04x22 - Double Happiness

All episode transcripts for the TV show "Melissa & Joey". Aired: August 2010 to August 2015.
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04x22 - Double Happiness

Post by bunniefuu »

Oh, my God! You're pregnant!

Finally, really, truly pregnant!

I'm going to be a cousin!

A cousin, right?

Yep, that's the technical term.

I don't know what I'm going to be, but congratulations.


Wait... oh, am I allowed to hug you? 'Cause...

Yes. I don't think you'll accidentally squeeze the baby out.

(Doorbell rings)

(Gasps) That's Hank!

Who's Hank?

He's the guy raising money for my campaign.

What the hell are we going to tell him?

Let's tell him the good news.

No, no, no, no, no! Not right away!

No, don't scare the money!

We gotta ease him into it.

Maybe wait a couple days. Or weeks.

How many weeks?

I don't know, like 30, 40, couple hundred.

So basically just let the baby tell him.

Kids can be very persuasive.

[ ♪ ]

♪ It's all good, all good ♪
♪ it's okay, okay ♪
♪ it's all right, all right ♪
♪ as far as I can see ♪
♪ it's all good, all good ♪
♪ it's okay, okay ♪
♪ it's all right, all right ♪
♪ I guess you're stuck with me. ♪

Okay, so we're agreed: For now we say nothing to Hank about the pregnancy.

You got it, baby. Mom's the word.

I'm kidding, mum's the word. Open the door.

How are you feeling, Mel?

Yes! Yes, I'm pregnant!

I thought you said we weren't going to say anything.

I changed my mind.

I don't want to start my potential congressional career with a lie.

That's good. There'll be plenty of time for that down the road.

Yes, Hank, I am pregnant.

I'm sorry, I know this is right when we're kicking off my campaign.

Are you kidding me? This is great news!

What's not to love about a pregnant candidate?

"Mel Burke delivers for Ohio!"

Oh, thank you, Hank!

Oh, I was afraid you were going to pull out.

It's a little late for that, huh, Joe?


Sorry, that was out of line.

Heh, yellow gloves? Who does that?

I have an artist's hands, and I would like to protect them while making a kitschy statement.

Fair enough. Can I help?

No! No, Joe would flip out, okay.

And these chores are paying my rent here.

Yeah, speaking of you living here, I'm really sorry about our fight over your dumb music.

Okay, let me rephrase that.

Our dumb fight over the music that you have a perfect right to enjoy.

Well, thank you for your heartfelt half-assed apology.

No, I'm just saying, you know, since we moved our relationship to this next level, I am very motivated to find a...

Commonality of interests, you know, and see if we can partner up on an effective conflict resolution.

Well, that sounds both reasonable and like you're reading.

You need a cheat sheet to talk to me?

Okay, I didn't have time to memorize all of Ryder's shrinky buzzwords.

But what he said the other day made sense.

And I'm willing to learn how to communicate, and even...



You are willing to compromise?

Okay, you hit the "you" a little hard on that one.

But yes, ideally in a relationship, everybody wins.


That was some really good compromising.

Yep, that was definitely a win-win situation.

I think you won multiple times there yourself.

You know, I'm really glad we kissed and made up.

(Knocks on door)

Ryder: Hey, Zander?

You almost done in there?

My man in Hamburg is online and this video game won't it forever.

Yeah, be with you in a minute, roomie!


Aren't you moving back in here?

Actually, I thought it'd be a better idea if I kept my stuff across the hall.

'Cause when I moved in with you, you got upset with everything I did.

'Cause everything you did was stupid.

I'm sorry. I really do want to be able to compromise.

(Knocks on door)

Still waiting, bud!

Be with you in a minute, buddy.

I really shouldn't keep him waiting.

Oh, go be with your boyfriend!

Okay, he's not my boyfriend, all right, we just sleep together.

You know what I mean.

Even though this is just an interview for you to meet me, I always like to give prospective new patients as much information as I can.

And an ultrasound is a quick and easy way to get a lot of info.

I found a good doctor, huh?

Not everybody gives you free ultrasounds.

Yeah, freebies are the hallmark of superior medical treatment.

Well, here's something you'll want to know.

See those two little beans there?

Oh! Look at the size of those cajones!

Oh, he takes after his old man.

Those are two hearts.

You know what this means?

My baby is a freak with two hearts?

No. There are two babies.

You're having twins.

What? No.

No, no, no.

No, no, no, no. No!

Wait a minute, we're having twins?

I had no idea my little troops were that powerful.

You see what happens when you pick the doctor?

I wanted a doctor that was gonna tell me I had just one baby.

Well, good luck there.

See... one, two.

No, no, no, no, no.

No, no, no, no. No!

No, no, no! No, no, no.

No, no! No, no, no, no.

So, as you can see, Mel is still taking in all this awesome, happy news.


Wow, twins and running for congress.

Mel: No, no, no, no, no...

Is she going to be all right?

No, no, no, no...

Yeah, oh yeah. Yeah.

No, no, no, no, no...

I mean, I...

I think it's probably best if we just let her celebrate it on her own for a little while.

No, no, no, no...

Maybe avoid making all eye contact in the meantime.

Well, congratulations again, Joe.

Thank you.

Yeah, Joe, congratulations, man.


No, no, no...

You know what, you probably want to keep an eye on her.

No, no, no, no, no.

No, no, no, no, no, no.

Can we talk about the "no" s?

No, no, yes, no.

Ooh, yes. Hey, I heard a "yes".

That's a good place to start.

Joe, I have a confession: I am sometimes... A little selfish.

Honey, thank you for trusting me enough to share that.

I mean, look, I do want it all.

I want a baby. I even want two babies.

And I want to run for congress.

I just don't want it all at the exact same time.

You know, it's-it's terrifying.

I need a glass of wine. I'm drinking for three now!

Hey, no, no, listen to me, no more wine.

In fact, I'm getting rid of all the wine in this house.

You know what, you have been waiting for this moment, haven't you?

Hey. Come on, calm down.

We're going to get through this.

How? How?

With one newborn, you get no sleep.

With two, you get twice as much no sleep!

And twice as much no sex.

Honey, I'm here for you. It's going to be fine.

No, no, no. I'm gonna suck at doing my job, and you're gonna suck at doing your job.

We'll be double suckers with double suckers hanging off of me.

Hank has your campaign completely under control.

And because none of the publishers I sent my book to want it, I'm gonna have all the time in the world to manage the rest of our lives.

So all you need to worry about, honey, is-is-is just making great baby cells and being your fantastic, electable self, all right.

Say it with me: "I am fantastic and I am electable."

I am fantastic and I am electable.

Yes, you are. All right, you believe it now?

I don't know, I guess so.

Do you really believe that we can do all this?

Yes, yes, I believe it a hundred percent!

No, you know what, check that I believe it a thousand percent!

All right, now just go upstairs and rest.

Thank you, Joe. You're my rock.

(Chuckles) Of course I am.

Your rock, you know it.

Your... your rock, baby!

Your big, lying rock.

Oh, screw it, I'm drinking for four now.

Oh, are you kidding me? Cheese puffs?

I just vacuumed in here.

Don't you have any respect for what I do?

(Cell phone chimes)

Oh, crap. It's a reminder.

We're supposed to go to Fletcher and Josie's wedding tomorrow.

Well, are we still going?

In the middle of a fight?

Well, we already rsvp'd, and frankly, I'm scared of making Josie mad.

Ooh, yeah, if she sees two empty seats at our table...

Oh God, she'll hunt us down and gut us with a cake cutter.

Yeah. You know, I think it's just safer if we go.


Well, yeah.

We can listen to your music in the car on the way there and my music on the way back.



Oh, great.

I can wear that vintage powder blue tuxedo.

Absolutely not.

But what about a compromise?

Trust me, I'm saving you from yourself.

What are you doing up so late?

I can't sleep.

Mel's not the only one who been, um, stressing out about this whole twin situation.

Hey, how 'bout I make you a nice fluffy omelette?

Learning to k*ll a man with my big toe was not the only skill I picked up in the Navy.

All right, let's see what you can do.

With the eggs, not with your toes.

So, tell old Ryder what's bothering you.

(Scoffs) I'm just wondering if Mel and I have bitten off a little more than we can chew.

Having twins and running for congress?

I mean, you know, it's kind of a crazy situation.

And-and-and Mel was sorta gettin' all crazy about it, and I was trying to play it cool, and I said, "Mel, don't worry, we can do this."

And as those words were comin' out of my mouth, I'm thinking, I'm not sure if we can do this, and to be honest with you, I'm starting to freak out a little bit.

Hey, pull yourself together, man.

When you're under f*re, that's when you've got to dig deep and take control.

And right now you are in the heat of the battle.

What do you know about being in a battle?

Are you kidding? Fifty guys trying to get a hot shower in the morning before the water runs out?

Heh, let's just say I've done some things I don't want to talk about with civilians.

I don't know, man, I think this might be a little different.

Hey, sure, listen, you're in a scary spot right now, but I read somewhere that "fear is the starter p*stol to life's greatest moments."

That sounds familiar.

Yeah, it should. It's from your book.

You left the manuscript in the bathroom.

So ultimately, what you're saying is I should follow my own advice.

I can't say I'm wrong.

And you helped out a little, too.

Look at you, man, finally starting to figure things out, huh?

My God, man, how many eggs are you using?

Oh, ha ha.

Yeah, so I'm used to cooking for fifty guys.

It's okay. Eggs don't go bad.

[ ♪ ]

Mel, you have to get to the floor of congress.

You're the only one who hasn't voted yet and the entire country is very mad at you.


(Crowd booing)

(Closes door)

Don't boo at me!

Okay, I'll be right there!

Not before your lunch appointment.

What? With who?

Your favorite constituents.

(Babies crying)

Aww, my beautiful babies!

Joe's bringing in the rest.

The what now?

(Babies crying)

Those are all mine?

Well, honey, they're yours and mine.

Well, no. No, no, no, no! No, no, no.

It's time for you to nurse group A.

No, I have to get back to work.

How can I possibly nurse all these babies?



My job!

Well, tell the president I'm sorry.

Hey. Hey, honey. Honey.

Quick, Joe, how many boobs do I have?

You... you...

You-you have two, honey.


Two, two beautiful boobs.

As per usual.

What's going on?

I don't know how to do this.

I am completely scared.

I know that's something you don't get because you've never been scared of anything.

Are you kidding me?

No, that whole "no fear" thing I put on, that's just a bunch of baloney.

I'm actually terrified.

Well, if you're scared and I'm scared, then why are we doing this?

Because that's why we should do it, honey.

Look, fear is the starter p*stol for life's greatest moments.

You know, bang!

When you hear the sound of that g*n, all you need to do is focus on that finish line.

(Sighs) Joe, you're sweet, and smart and supportive, but this is nuts.

You know... And it's not fair...

To you, or to me, or to the constituents or to these babies...

But mainly to me.

Look, honey, whatever you want to do I'm going to respect it.

I-i think we can do it, but the decision is up to you.


I can't do it.

I'm not going to run.


If that's your decision, then I guess that's what's best.


Want me to count your boobs again?

It's always good to double-check your math.

I think my favorite part of the wedding was the chocolate fountain.

Especially when the bride stood too close to it and the wind picked up.


You know, I just couldn't get over the vows.

"Till death do us part"? What is that?

They're only twenty-two!

I freaked out when they made me sign a two-year contract for my phone.

You know, Josie and Fletcher haven't even been going out as long as we have.

I know!

It's crazy that they're married.

How can they think about that kind of commitment at our age?

Right? They have their whole lives ahead of them.


Watch out! It's a deer!


Oh, my God.

Oh, my God, are you okay?

Yeah, I'm okay.

I'm okay. Are you okay?

Ah, yeah, I'm okay.

Yeah, I think I might've peed my pants just a little bit, but I'm okay.

We almost k*lled that deer.

That deer almost k*lled us!

You're right!

We could have died!


I am so glad I wasn't wearing that powder blue tuxedo.

Again, thank you.


I'm here to announce that I'm not running for congress.

You couldn't take down the big sign?

Well, I was kinda hoping I could change your mind.

But I can't.

Or can I?

I'm sorry, Hank. I'm out.

I respect your decision.

I just hope a few years down the road we can take another crack at this.

But don't wait too long.- twins lose their P.R. appeal around age five.

My God, when we hit that sign, my whole life flashed in front of my eyes.

Mine too.

It had this really edgy handheld look.

But that was such a close call.

It made me realize, you know, my life could end at any moment, and I want to make the most of everything, every single minute.

You know, I feel the same way.

Life's too short to be fighting over these petty "living together" problems.


Are you thinking what I'm thinking?

I think so.

We should get married!


I was going to say we should just move back in together, but I like your idea so much more.

Hey! All right, honey, so look, I got water here for you.

I got some crackers in case you start to feel a little sick.

And Ryder has a trash can in case you start to feel a lot sick.

Yeah, just give me a signal if you're going to hurl.

Oh, you'll know.

Aw, thanks for taking such good care of me, guys.

Hey, I'm always here for you, baby.

(Sighs, clears throat)


Ladies and gentlemen, I came here today to announce my run for congress.

But I learned a few days ago that I am pregnant.

Uh, double pregnant.

With twins, so...

(Crowd murmuring)

And it raised a lot of big questions like, "what the hell am I doing?"

"Is this insane?"

And could they double-check that ultrasound because sometimes machines make mistakes."

Anyway, I had to weigh the responsibilities of a mother of twins and a congresswoman, and consider if I could handle it all on my own.

Of course, I'm not really on my own.

I have my husband, Joe, who has always got my back.

But today, standing before the people of Toledo, I'm afraid I have to...

I'm afraid I have to...

I have to run for congress.

(Crowd murmuring)

Because someone told me fear is like a g*n that goes off at a race...

What was it again? It was really good.

It is good, it is good. It's very good, yes.

Hi. Um...

Yes, fear is the starter p*stol for life's greatest moments, all right.


When that g*n goes off, ladies and gentlemen, all you need to do is focus on the finish line.

Focusing on the finish line is the key to success...

I got it. I got it, Joe.

I know you got it.

So, my finish line is being the best representative Toledo could ever have.

So I'm running for congress.

And I'm going to win!


Okay, guys, so Mel and I have some exciting news.

It was awesome. So, what happened at the speech, right...

Yo, yo, yo, yo! Will you let Mel tell 'em, please?

Okay, so even though we're having twins, I've decided to go ahead and run for congress.

Hey, that's awesome!

Told ya!


Aunt Mel, I'm so proud of you.

Thank you, Len.

I'm proud of me, too.

Well, you know, Lennox and I have some news that we want to share, too.


So, since Zander and I didn't die in a car accident today, we decided...

We're getting married.

Are you nuts?

Just 'cause you don't die in a car accident doesn't mean you get married!

What Joe means is, that's great, guys!

You know, it's so romantic to want to get married so very, very, very, very, very young.

Don't worry, Aunt Mel, it won't be right away.


I had my heart set on a June wedding.

Well, since I guess we're all sharing important news, I've got something to show you guys.



I got my orders from the Navy.

I'm going to be proudly serving my country in...

It's too far away!

Aunt Mel, he hasn't said where he's going yet.

I know, but it's still too far away!

Yeah. Well, I'm going to be shipping out to somewhere called Portsmouth, Virginia!

It's actually pronounced "portsmith."

Don't think so, ha ha.

It's spelled "ports-mouth."

And I'm pretty sure the Navy knows how to spell their own cities, so...

Congratulations, buddy.

Um, you know what's great, is that "ports-mouth" is near Washington D.C., so after Mel wins, you can come over for dinner.

Oh, at the White House?



(Cell phone chimes)

Oh, I'm so happy for you, baby.

Holy crap.

What is it?

What? Oh, it's, um, no, this guy finally sent me this recipe I've been dyin' for, so...

No, that's not your recipe face.

Yes... what... What are you... hon.


Someone wants to publish your book!

That's great!

Lennox: Oh, my God!

Well, yeah, I know, but it's not gonna happen.

Why not?

Why not?

Because read on, honey, they also want me to do a big book tour.

That's fantastic!

No, no, it's not fan...

Come on, we can't have twins, run for congress, and a book tour... That's not gonna work.

Are you kidding, Joe?

That's the starter p*stol.


You really think that we can do it?

We'll hire a nanny.

You know, some...

Some hunky, good looking guy.

It worked out for you before.

Hmm, jury's still out.


Come on.
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