01x08 - Who's Grover Cleveland?

[bunniefuu]

(theme music playing)

How bad is this politically?

You absolutely did nothing wrong, Mr. President.

No, sir.

Zaman was there. The intel said so.

Yes, sir.

Israel confirmed it.

It was the right call. Of course it was.

Even knowing we were going to miss, I would still recommend we do the strike again.

I agree. Yes, sir.

It shows resolve. Don't f*ck with our friends in Tel Aviv.

(gasps)

(crowd shouting angrily)

Marine: Stay sharp!

Yes, I understand.

I will not let these girls out of my sight.

I trusted you.

You f*cked me.

I'm trying to save you.

Please, Alex, stop pretending you care.

I do care. This is the best thing for everyone.

This is the best thing for you and Walter Larson, and the g*dd*mn United f*cking States.

The g*dd*mn f*cking United States brings clean water into your homes.

We bring medicine to you people...

Did you just really say "you people"?

Did I?

Yeah.

(stammering) Is there a problem with "you people"?

I mean, you can call my people "you people." We don't mind.

Come on, Rafiq, I'm the good guy.

Oh, you're the good guy.

What about that $200,000 tip that Raja gave you for risking my family's lives?

You gonna use all those Grover Clevelands to build me a well?

You know what? I think I deserve a little gratuity for making sure that your farmers don't die of malaria and waxy eye disease.

(whispers) It's the worst of all the eye diseases.

We don't need you to solve our waxy eye problems.

We need you to get out of our country and leave us alone.

(quietly) When we leave you alone, we get the Taliban and 9-11.

You supported Osama, in the '80s!

He was your creation, just like Zaman.

Okay, well, now I'm trying to make up for all that.

How? By risking these girls' lives so that they become targets for every crazed militant who wants to make a name for himself?

Now you're overreacting.

You're a patronizing little sh*t.

You boys appreciate Shakespeare?

Both: Sir, yes, sir.

Romeo y Julietas.

Cuban.

These are not a reward for getting your asses sh*t down.

I'm just glad you're alive to smoke them.

Oh, thank you, sir.

And, Tilson, CENTCOM was kind enough to set up a video chat with your family back home.

I'll leave you to it. Make it quick.

We got to get sh*t down more often. (chuckles)

So tell us more about this little plan that you have where you lie about everything to everyone.

Gail tells me there's a Dunkin' Donuts in San Diego.

Maybe you could bring up some Boston Kremes and a Coolatta when you come to LA pretending you don't have a third child.

Seriously?

What the f*ck's wrong with you?

What the f*ck were you thinking?

Um...

I'm going to give you a little privacy here.

♪ ♪

Mr. President, Zaman was in custody.

Raja was in control.

We achieved the most delicate transition in modern diplomacy, a bloodless coup.

But why bother when you can just drop a b*mb down his g*dd*mn chimney?

That's actually And after you took out Zaman, what came next?

Vehement denials that we did anything wrong.

I mean, was there a plan or are we just freeballing it?

Like we did in Iraq, Syria, Libya?

Because then we know what happens next.

Rival factions emerge. Civil w*r breaks out.

Total f*cking chaos.

These people tend to prefer chaos.

Yeah, but Iraq didn't have nukes.

What happens when extremists swallow up a nuclear state?

We work to install a friendly dictator.

Who eventually turns against us, then needs to be removed.

Why mess with something that works?

Oh, Christ! Am I in Oz? What the f*ck? Jesus!

Mr. President, we need to think very carefully about our next move.

I've already decided our next move.

I'm ordering the evacuation of our embassy.

You what?

What about the Pakistani school girls?

I say we take them, too. Get them onto US soil.

If we leave those girls behind and Zaman comes to their rescue, he'll parade them all over TV and now he's a big hero.

You put those girls on a chopper, they're hostages.

You're just throwing fuel on the fire.

We can't give Zaman the win. Put the girls on a chopper.

Christ! Can't anyone in this room see more than three feet in front of their f*cking face?

Except for you, of course, Mr. President.

Kittredge: Thank you, Mr. President.

Woman: Let's go, girls!

Just wait for Raja, okay?

He'll get the girls safely back to their families.

Raja's dead.

Both: What?

Mm, yeah. We got him good. Zaman's alive, so we gotta go.

Evac order just came in from the president.

It looks like the Lord is finally pulling this place back down to hell.

"And it shall come as destruction from the Almighty."

Evacuated to where, sir?

Afghanistan. Bagram Air Force Base.

These Marines are gonna take the girls to the helipad.

Marine: Let's go, now!

Sir, Bagram is a clearing house for t*rture and rendition.

Ten years ago. They've cleaned it up since then.

What? They cannot make us go.

These girls need to be back home with their families, not held prisoner at a US Army base.

Prisoner! No, no, no, no! More like guests.

They'll be well taken care of. It'll just be a few days.

Marine: Move! Come on!

I'll talk to Walter.

The girls will be fine. Don't worry!

Buddy, you got to know, this is not the outcome I anticipated!

I am not your buddy. I am not your friend.

I am not your driver.

I don't ever want to talk to you again.

I realize you're upset.

No!

I'm done with your banter! I'm done with your jokes!

f*ck you!

I'm pregnant and you were going to leave me alone for three days a week?

And every other Saturday.

What about when we get married?

I thought you wanted to fix our marriage!

And what f*cked up Mormon universe are you living in where you think you can have two wives you just bounce back and forth from?

Yeah, say something!

Anything that makes sense!

Okay, fine!

Ashley, I love you. I never stopped loving you.

I want to move back in with you and the kids.

Gail, I don't love you. I'm sorry.

I can't start another family.

I will be there for Atticus or Petunia or whatever you want to call this kid, but the romantic side of us? It's over.

f*ck you, Zeke. Really.

And f*ck you.

Well...

What do you say, Ash?

Did you get that care package I sent?

Yeah, but I haven't opened it up yet.

I sent you a ton of Provigil, and some of that buffalo jerky that you like.

Sell the pills, make a little cash, and then we can start talking about how to save this f*cked up relationship.

Okay. Thank you...

(rumbling)

(panicked murmuring)

What the f*ck was that?

"And it shall come as destruction from the Almighty."

At zero-nine-two-three hours, Echo Time, USGS has confirmed a seismic event registering five-point-one at a Pakistani m*llitary installation.

Zaman's forces attempted to launch an intercontinental nuclear ballistic m*ssile.

It failed... and detonated underground.

Good God.

Mr. President, it's time.

We're out of options.

Navarro: I agree.

Gentlemen, Operation Infinite Wisdom begins now.

You should all take note that I do this with a heavy heart.

Infinite Wisdom? What the hell is that?

I'm not seeing any infinite wisdom here.

Pierce: Operation Infinite Wisdom, in which the gods cease to be benevolent, in which the full bicep of the American m*llitary machine flexes its... bicep.

This is full-scale w*r against a nuclear-armed state.

Yes, sir. We've been gaming this one out since the '90s.

Jesus.

Are you... You're actually drooling.

He's... He's actually drooling.

The full resources of the US Fifth Fleet.

The biggest show of American air power since North Vietnam.

Every m*llitary base...

Everywhere they could hide a nuclear w*apon will be neutralized.

We will completely remove their ability to wage w*r.

You will return. You will reload.

You will take off again.

Gentlemen, you're about to send the Pakistani army back to the Chinese junkyard it crawled out from.

No one on this ship should expect to sleep for at least the next 36 hours.

Is that understood?

Pilots: Yes, sir!

Let's sell some f*cking dr*gs.

(crowd shouting angrily)

♪ ♪

This way! This way!

Let's move it!

Sir, this way.

Rafiq! I know you told me never to talk to you again, but you're right, I was f*cking stupid.

It's my fault. I'm an assh*le!

Tell me what I can do. What can I say?

You want me to admit that America sucks?

That I was wrong about Raja?

That... that I'm just another entitled American douche bag?

It's true. It's all true! I'm sorry.

I'll say anything, because I love you, dude.

You're my Tonto!

I'm your "Tonto"?

I realize how that sounds. I can be Tonto. Whatever.

The only thing that matters is you know that if this goes down like Saigon, and there's only room for one of us on that chopper, that seat is yours, man. That's how much you mean to me.

You know that once those choppers take off, we're never coming home.

Sergeant, Sergeant. All of these people have to be out of here by 1100 hours.

Where are the rest of the helicopters?

Why, what happens at 1100 hours? Unilateral bombing.

This time tomorrow, Islamabad is gonna look like Newark, New Jersey.

f*ck! I need to call my parents.

Alex: Hey, here.

Take my phone! I have full bars.

Also, these girls and I must be on the final chopper out of here.

But, sir, I got to get you on the next chopper, for your own safety.

No, no, no. All these people first.

I know where I die. It is not at this embassy.

Whatever you say, sir.

Everybody stick together.

And the angels descended and carried us to our hereafter.

Is that the Bible?

No, it's just me talking.

Mr. President, do we even know if Zaman is capable of launching any of these missiles without blowing his hands off?

We don't know.

And because we do not know, we must act.

Wow. That is the dumbest f*cking thing I've ever heard.

Walter, our backs are against the wall.

Zaman's already shown he's willing to strike first.

Estimated civilian casualties of Operation Infinite Wisdom?

Don't have an exact number.

Then ballpark it for me. What? Nagasaki?

Oh, hell no. More like a Redskins game.

Especially after the season they had.

I'd say more like a James Taylor concert.

Yeah.

Walter: Christ.

So, we really do not know.

It's an unknown known, but we're working on it becoming a known unknown.

Okay. I know before I said that that was the dumbest thing I ever heard.

What you just said right now, is the dumbest thing I've ever heard.

Pierce: Okay, Walter. I'm still not hearing a better option from you.

I mean, the man has already tried to launch a nuclear w*apon, for Christ's sake!

He's right, Walter.

What other options do we have?

I don't have a clue.

You need to get back in that room, sir.

No. I need some f*cking air. I need a f*cking drink.

I need to be f*cking an Asian hooker with a pillow over my face.

No. No, you don't. I'm out of options.

Raja was my one good card, and these a-holes torched his f*ckin' corpse.

And he's a corpse because he trusted me.

There's nothing to do now but watch it all blow up.

Good-bye Israel! Good-bye Pakistan! Good-bye...

Is that a hockey team?

Yeah, it's the Minnesota Snow Devils. They're the under-12 state champs. They're waiting to take their photo with the president.

Walter: Here? Today? Are you f*cking kidding me?

The president wants to maintain a sense of business as usual during this crisis.

Hey, kids!

Just want you to know, your future is in the hands of a bunch of impotent, w*r-loving maniacs.

Sir? Gather round.

No. Sir, I don't think you want to...

You kids need to start a g*dd*mn revolution.

And I don't mean this Occupy Wall Street bullshit, with their human microphone and their jazz hands.

I mean the real deal, where people are actually terrified to leave their homes.

You need to arm yourselves! f*ck the ballot!

Time for b*ll*ts! Burn it all down, I say.

Okay, kids?

We're just here to get our picture taken with the president, sir.

Aide: Excuse me, while you're here, the president would like you to come into the Situation Room to immortalize today's events in their historical context.

(quietly) Okay.

Wow. Well, I guess someone should capture the moment when our country doomed its future generations to a nuclear winter of perpetual darkness.

That's sort of my job, sir.

While we're at it, let's call the Franklin Mint!

Maybe they can glaze it onto a commemorative plate.

You don't remember me, do you?

Haymarket Hotel. Eisenhower suite.

You asked me to k*ll you.

Cheryl.

Kimberly.

assh*le.

f*ck.

♪ ♪

Sir, where are you going?

Bobby Van's Steakhouse.

If you need me, I'll be getting hammered with the help of a ridiculously well-hung bartender who's also banging my wife. He owes me a drink.

No. I did not choose to work for someone who cuts and runs.

I need you in that room.

The world needs you in that room.

God, you are the smartest man I know, and if you won't go back in there for them, then do it for yourself.

Because... and I'm just gonna say this, sir, I think stopping a world w*r might cure your survivor's guilt from your activities in Cambodia, which is the root of all your insecurities.

And probably why you always want East Asian hookers to pretend-k*ll you.

Well, draw me up a play that works. Please. I'm all ears.

Fine. You want a play.

Yeah, I want a play.

Fine. Fine. Fine. How about this?

Stop acting like a child, get back in there, and be a g*dd*mn grown-up.

Sir.

Fine.

As you can see from the strategic map, the red circles indicate primary targets, and the green circles are our secondary target.

Walter. Would you mind getting out of the way?

You're not in my photo.

I am now.

(both grunting)

Pierce: Get off of me!

Walter!

All right, boys. We got some Provigil, 30 bucks a pop.

Side effects include intensified concentration, unnatural stamina, and a totally unfounded sense of invincibility.

What if we don't have any money?

Then you don't get your Provigil.

I don't have any money either.

Well, does anybody here have any f*ckin' money?

I got money. You got Ecstasy?

What the f*ck?

He works in the kitchen.

What?

Zeke: Look, you guys, I'm really sorry.

I'd love to help out, but I got mouths to feed, you know this.

Tilson!

It is illegal to sell prescription dr*gs on a US m*llitary ship.

Or in general, for that matter.

Now, I can either confiscate them or you can quit being a selfish assh*le and lower your damn prices.

But, sir, you always...

I don't care. Your country needs you.

Be a g*dd*mn hero.

On the house!

Whoa, whoa, man. Are you sure?

Yeah.

Band of brothers, right?

(crowd shouting angrily)

And they're going to b*mb everything!

Alex: Fareeda!

Fareeda! I know you hate me and you never want to see me again.

But I need you to know that even though we weren't meant to be, just knowing you has changed me profoundly!

Rafiq: Fareeda!

Did you reach the family?

Yes. They are going to Uncle Hassan's cabin at Banjosa Lake!

They'll be fine!

That sounds nice! Get on the bird now!

Alex!

Yes?

Go f*ck yourself!

Okay.

Okay.

Oh, Ashley's going to m*rder me.

Listen, man, I've been waiting for the right moment to tell you this.

Well... now that you're completely destitute, it seems like the right moment.

(zipping)

I stole it from those crazy antique sex people.

g*dd*mn it, Glenn.

Hey, they said it was worth a fortune.

I want us to go 50-50 on it.

Fine, 60-40, your way.

Okay. (sighs)... 70-30, 'Cause you got kids.

(grunts)

God bless you, Jammer!

(groaning) Uh, it's a little tight, man.

So, we're all good?

We're good.

You're doing great.

Thanks, man. We're good.

Thank you. All right.

We're good.

Where are we going?

To a beautiful place.

It has a great high wall, with 12 gates and 12 angels.

And on the gates are written the names of the 12 tribes of Israel.

And for saving your lives, I have earned admission into this wonderful place.

Uh, yes, but where are we going?

Let's get the f*ck out of here!

♪ ♪

(crowd shouting angrily)

(whimpers)

Come on, man. I'm not a protester! I work here!

No one gets on without a US passport!

What are you talking about?

Okay, I'm with the girls and my sister.

He's with me. He's seeking asylum.

Are you seeking asylum?

Yes. Fine, okay. I'm seeking political asylum.

Nice try, Haji. But you'll have to apply at our nearest embassy.

Are you a f*cking comedian? Look at the...

Mr. Ambassador, I cannot go without Rafiq!

And I am part of the Lord's plan!

You need me! I'm the leopard!

I am so proud of you, Talbot, for staying behind with your friend.

f*ck!

That's the kind of sacrifice Jesus speaks of!

I will surely see u in heaven!

Oh, by the way, you're definitely the bear, not the leopard!

No, Fareeda...

You're a crazy m*therf*cker!

That's my brother! Rafiq!

They'll be fine!

Damn it! We got to go!

No! I got to get on...

Fareeda!

They'll be fine!

Rafiq!

(inaudible)

Come on! We got to go to the Chinese tunnel!

The Chinese tunnel, come on!

(door slams)

What in God's name were you thinking?

I'm sorry, Mr. President. It was involuntary.

Every time you piss somebody off, you... you go rogue, you ignore my direct orders, I think to myself, he's doing this because he believes there's a better way.

Thank you, Mr. President.

This isn't a testimonial. Shut the f*ck up!

Yes, sir.

Your position in this administration is no longer tenable.

Sir?

I'll expect your letter of resignation so I can announce your replacement.

Who?

Carlyle.

Carlyle? Warren Carlyle?

Mm-hmm.

He's a four-star general.

He sits on the board of Raytheon.

Every time we b*mb someone, he gets a f*ckin' royalty.

My decision is final.

And seriously, Walter, I'd look into getting some real psychiatric help.

Now get the hell out of my house.

(door slams)

(rattling)

sh*t, sh*t, sh*t. I've got a chip light warning.

What the hell is that?

Yeah, what the hell is that?

I got to land this thing, right away!

What? No, no, no! We've gotta get to Bagram!

Mr. Ambassador, unless you wanna be part of a "Black Hawk Down" situation somewhere in the Taliban-controlled region of Afghanistan, we got to put this baby on the ground, now!

Well, I saw that movie. Do what you got to do, son!

Why? What happened in the movie?

♪ ♪

Hi.

Walter: Hi.

I'm glad I did that. Thanks for the advice.

What happened?

I punched Pierce in the face.

What? Oh, my God.

No, I really enjoyed it. Thanks for the advice.

You're welcome.

Downside is I lost my job.

What?

Listen very carefully.

Get Alex Talbot on the phone, ASAP.

The president just suggested I get psychiatric help, which is exactly what I'm gonna do.

Well, that's actually pretty good advice, sir.

A few days ago, Talbot managed to fax us three pages of Umair Zaman's psychiatric evaluation.

I want the other 27 pages.

Oh, okay. That's a good idea, too.

And let's find a place to lay low in this building so I can spend my last few moments as Secretary of State doing my job.

(helicopter whirring)

Sir! Our stabilizer bar is showing undue stress.

We're gonna need to lighten our payload significantly or we're never gonna make it to Bagram in one piece!

Uh...

Uh... Get rid of her!

Not enough! You're gonna have to lose the girls as well!

No, no, no. I need these girls!

These girls are the beast!

Sir, I'm not even sure we can make it without them, but it's our only sh*t!

For f*ck's sakes! Let 'em go!

Okay. Fine, fine.

Sergeant... Get the girls off.

Sergeant: Let's go, move it!

Just get back in the air before Infinite Wisdom turns this entire country into a smoldering heap.

Dear Lord... clearly, these girls are not your chosen.

I mean, they did come from that loser Talbot.

Alex Talbot is not with you? It's a glorious day!

Father!

Forgive me for misinterpreting your divine guidance.

My bad!

Everything's happening so fast.

I promise I'll get it right next time. Amen.

All right, let's get the hell out of here!

Who's Grover Cleveland?

Who the f*ck cares.

(laughs) Where are we?

My Uncle's cabin. Girls, go inside.

We need to call all your parents.

♪ ♪

What is wrong?

I just realized I have misjudged someone very badly.

And I may never get the chance to thank him.

We have to get to the Chinese tunnel.

From there, we can get to the street and back to your house.

♪ ♪

(mutters quietly)

Where is the ambassador?

He's not here?

Where is the deputy ambassador?

(stammering) He, uh...

Also, not here.

Who's the highest official still here?

I guess that would be me.

What?

No. No!

(cell phone ringing)

(line ringing)

Come on. Come on.

(line ringing)

Come on!

(cell phone ringing)

Pick the f*ck up, Talbot!

(cell phone ringing)

(music playing)

♪ It's getting near dawn ♪
♪ When lights close their tired eyes ♪
♪ I'll soon be with you, my love ♪
♪ To give you my dawn surprise ♪
♪ I'll be with you, darling, soon ♪
♪ I'll be with you when the stars start falling ♪
♪ I've been waiting so long ♪
♪ To be where I'm going ♪
♪ In the sunshine ♪
♪ Of your love ♪

(music continues)