01x09 - Free Wednesday

[bunniefuu]

Hey, A.J., you know why you're a lucky guy?

Ooh. Uh, I'm not under the illusion that vests make me look cool.

Waiters don't give me coloring books when I go to restaurants.

All right.

No, no. Okay, I got two tickets to the Sox/Yankees tonight, all right, and I decided you can go if you cut 15 heads today.

Ehh. You know what?

I don't think I'm gonna reach 15, so, thanks, anyway.

Um, look, okay. It doesn't have to be 15.

You can just... uh, you can have the ticket, but you're buying the beer.

You know what? I just paid rent, and beer at the park is, like, wicked overpriced, So, thanks, anyway.

No.

Okay, uh, you don't have to buy the beer, but, uh, if you catch a fly ball, I get that.

Thanks, anyway.

Oh, you got plans?

I do not.

Well, don't you want to go to the game?

I really, really do.

So what's your problem? Go to the game with me.

Thanks, anyway, man.

♪ It's time to show the world what they've waited for ♪
♪ Something like they've never seen before ♪
♪ Whoa, we're just getting started ♪
♪ Just getting started ♪

So she's sitting in my chair, and she shows me the photo, and I said, "put that phone down.

Just 'cause you're transitioning does not mean I need to see a picture of what your junk is gonna look like."

I hate people who think we care.

I hate people.

Hey, Charmaine.

Actually, you could probably help us out.

This dingbat here let her uncle store illegal fireworks in our apartment.

I bet you got some friends who could take them off our hands.

Now, why would you say that?

It's not what you think.

She's asking you 'cause you're black.

I love Boston.

Hey, Joy. He just had a Buzzy cut.

Oh, he did, did he?

Well, it's better to have a Buzzy cut than a cuzzy butt.

[laughs]

Uh, yeah, I guess it is.

You're so nice to me. Your hair's so tall.

You know what they say big hair, big tushie.

[laughs]

I don't think that's what they say.

Have you been drinking?

No. Little bit, little bit.

You never drink. It's not even noon.

Oh! You just said "noon" backwards. Wow.

[laughs] I just said "wow" backwards.

Is, uh, something wrong?

Mm. Can I tell you a secret?

Sure.

My marriage is falling apart. [Laughs]

All right. Hold my calls. I'm going to lunch with my ma.

I'm surprising her with an open hearts necklace from the Jane Seymour collection. Huh?

Oh. Is it her birthday?

No, it's not her birthday, nosy Parker.

I'm doing it because she's a delight and no one ever tells her.

Every creep begins with Kay.

Look. I'll be back in an hour.

Wait a second.

Edwin Painter's coming in for a haircut...

Our geometry teacher Edwin Painter?

Yeah. He called this morning.

I hate that guy.

Why? He was a great teacher.

Yeah, maybe for you, Johnny baseball.

We had very different high school experiences.

Did this teacher flunk you or does he just not like you on "Game of thrones"?

We had an incident, and I don't like to talk about it, all right?

Oh, you're still mad at him for making you...

Do not finish that sentence, A.J.

All right, do you guys remember how he cleared his throat?

I mean, he would literally say the word "ahem."

Who says the word "ahem"?

Ben, I think you could tell Buzzy the real reason.

I've listed all the reasons I care to list, Daniel.

Wait. Do you really think my full name is Daniel?

I think your real name is you work for me.

So we're done talking about Mr. Painter, all right?

I always thought it would have been funny if Mr. Painter taught painting.

Get it? [Laughs]

Yeah. That's fricking hilarious, Joy...

If you're 8.

Look, if I'm not back when Edwin Painter comes, make sure he knows that his favorite student, Ben Grossman, owns the barbershop, all right?

And gives his mother romantic gifts for no reason.

Not for no reason. My mother's a delight!

Hey. You feeling any better?

Oh, much, I ate a loaf of bread.

I think it soaked up all the Frangelico.

The Frangelico?

You can tell you've traveled.

I, um, I was actually talking about you and Bart.

Oh. Yeah, well, I decided I'm gonna pray about my marriage and wait for a sign...

You know, something that tells me if I should stay with Bart or if I'm meant to leave him.

Two questions.

Uh, could that sign be in a fortune cookie, and do you feel like Chinese food?

You're so funny, Mo.

[laughs nervously]

Those were real questions.

So, how's retirement, Mr. Painter?

Boring.

Oh.

But that was by design.

I've had three heart att*cks in the past two years.

I'm under strict instructions to avoid all stressful situations and people.

That's why I stopped teaching and got a divorce.

How about this? Let's keep you nice and relaxed.

How about a hot shave on the house?

Sounds nice.

[Chuckles] All right. I got to get more towels.

FYI... Ma loved the necklace.

Big "Dr. Quinn" fan.

She said she couldn't think of one other son that would do something this loving for his mother.

Oh. How about Oedipus?

Yeah, I don't know what you're talking about, but you never Oedipus in your life.

[laughs]

Ben 2, Buzz zip. All right.

If anybody needs me, I'll be in my office.

Ahem.

Hello, Edwin.

Hello, Benjamin.

Oh! It's "hello, Benjamin" now, is it?

You think I forgot what you did to me?

Excuse me. Ahem.

Oh. All right. You know what?

Enough with the "ahem," all right?

Who says "ahem"?

"Ahem" is what a tailor does to your skirts.

I thought you hemmed your own skirts.

I've got to go.

Oh, but so soon?

But we were just starting to catch up.

Geometry sucks, by the way.

Yeah, I didn't learn a thing in your class...

Waste of time.

Yeah, the circumference of a circle is pi times my balls.

[laughs] Oh, that was fun.

I don't know, Ben. He seemed pretty upset.

Yeah, I hope he was. But you know what?

My guess is that he wasn't because that guy has no heart.

Ugh. What a drama queen.

Yeah, that's what he should have done.

He should have taught drama.

Where's Mr. Painter?

And why is there a crowd gathering outside?

And why is there a Mr. Painter-shaped person on the ground?

Terrible about Mr. Painter. You think he'll be all right?

I hope so. I'm praying for him.

Yeah, me too. Me too.

Hey, hey, hey. Hey.

You know how you were looking for a sign before?

I think I got it. 'Cause you see...

I got my sign, Mo.

Yeah?

I'm pregnant.

Why?

Didn't... you... tell me sooner?!

I just can't believe Mr. Painter was alive yesterday here talking to me, and now he's dead.

I texted Ben, but he never responded.

When I heard Mr. Painter was coming in, I sent him a friend request.

Now that request will be forever pending... hashtag frowny face.

I hate your generation.

You know, I can't believe I'm saying this, but I actually feel bad for Ben.

I know. I mean, can you imagine the guilt he must feel for yelling at him like that?

Poor guy must be devastated.

[Singsong voice] I've got bagels.

Yeah, the grief is palpable.

[Sighs] I just won a lottery scratch. Crazy, right?

First time ever.

I scratched off those three little dollar signs, and I was like, "yeah!

I'm getting bagels for those people who work for me."

You do know our teacher d*ed last night in the hospital?

I... yeah. I know. A.J. texted me.

So sad. [Sighs]

Moment of silence. And... scene.

Anyhoo, you got your lox schmear, your chives schmear, Your regular schmear, your low-fat schmear.

Buzz, who loves ya?

Hey, don't you feel any remorse about what happened?

Why? Not my fault.

The guy was one ahem away from the a-hereafter.

[laughing]

Mm. Man, that guy had a heart like a water balloon.

And all it took was one little prick to pop it.

What did that teacher do to Ben?

Well, each of us promised Ben we would never tell.

As individuals. But we never said we wouldn't all tell together as a group.

Can I get a ruling on that?

That's semantic bullshit, but I'll allow it.

Now, Daniel, please proceed.

Stop it. I don't want "Daniel" to stick.

Okay, so sophomore year, Mr. Painter asked Ben to come up to the board for a geometry proof... and Ben's pants were tight like real tight.

Anyway, you know, Ben was not a great student, and Mr. Painter didn't really like him for it.

Like, you could tell he was Jewish tight.

Thank you, Charmaine.

So, you know, Ben's up there doing a super-hard proof, and he's really nervous.

Like, we're talking male camel-toe tight.

You know, I hate to do this, but the legal term is actually moose knuckle.

Can... can I finish the story? Sure.

So Ben dropped the chalk, and when he bends over to pick it up...

Oh, no. His pants split? I've been there.

They did, but that's actually not the worst part.

Ben wasn't wearing any underwear.

Why?

I can answer that.

It was a Wednesday.

Wednesday? You remember what day it was?

What do you have... that Marilu Henner memory thing?

Hyperthymesia?

Also known as superior autobiographical memory?

Yeah, I got it.

But that's not how I know it was Wednesday.

I'd tell you, but Ben made me promise not to say anything to anybody.

But you didn't promise not to say everything to everybody.

A.J.?

I'll allow it.

But you are now on a very short leash, counselor.

Thank you, your honor. [Sighs]

So Ben's mom worried about his sperm count being too low, and that's why every Wednesday, she made him not wear underwear so his testicles could air out.

She called it free Wednesdays.

So he splits his pants in front of the whole class... on free Wednesday.

Free Wednesday. Gosh, that's brutal.

That's actually not even the worst part.

Ben asked if he could be excused, but Mr. Painter made him stay up there and finish the proof.

That's terrible.

I think we are losing sight of who the real victim is here.

Danni was in the front row.

Some things you just can't unsee.

"Congratulations. You're expecting."

[crying]

[Crying in distance]

Mo, is that you?

Hey, Joy.

How you doing, huh?

Aww.

I wasn't crying. You?

I was crying, actually.

Yeah, me too.

I'm just so sad about... about Mr. Painter.

Ohh. That's what I'm sad about.

I'm lying.

I'm not really crying about Mr. Painter.

Me neither. I never even had him. I took algebra twice.

I'm crying because I'm just so happy I'm pregnant.

And I'm happy for you.

We're both so happy about you being pregnant.

Go, team!

Yay!

[Both crying]

No, I'm not... I'm not really crying about that, Mo.

I'm crying because I'm stuck.

I don't think I want to be pregnant with Bart's baby.

I don't think I want to be pregnant with Bart's baby, either.

[Both crying]

Hey, men's wearhouse.

You sure you're gonna like the way you look?

[laughs]

Ah. What?

Somebody die?

Oh, right.

You know, you can still come with me to Mr.Painter's funeral.

Hmm. Is it an open bar?

No? "Passachusetts."

You know, maybe you should try forgiving him.

I mean, what's the point to holding on to this?

Mm, I like a good grudge. Keeps my edges sharp.

That's why I'm so successful. Forgiveness is for suckers.

Uh-huh. Remind me again where it says that in the bible.

It doesn't. It's implied.

That's why Jesus was a carpenter And not the owner of a home depot franchise.

You know, I always used to think that this was an act, that you deliberately put up walls because you weren't popular in high school.

Now I think behind the wall is just more wall.

See, that's where you're wrong, A.J.

I have a big heart, all right?

I just don't show you people because I'm the boss and I need to maintain separation.

Okay, well, mission accomplished.

By the way, if you ever want to be the kind of guy I would go to a ball game with, maybe try showing that heart once in a while.

[Door closes]

[Sighs]

Where the hell are you going?

That teacher's funeral.

I've been crying all day!

Didn't even go to our high school.

[Somber organ music playing]

Rita, where you been?

The toilet.

You went to the bathroom in the presence of a dead person?

She wasn't in the presence of him.

She was in the can.

He could have been there in some form, Rosalee.

Okay. So what are you saying, Rhonda?

That you think Mr. Painter's ghost is flying around the john, watching girls tinkle?

Yeah, it's not chuck berry in that casket.

You don't know what he was into, Rita!

He was a math teacher.

Well, because of you, Rhonda, our bathroom is full of fireworks so I can't go at home.

It would actually be dangerous if I tried to follow the house rules.

What house rules?

She who drops one down the hatch...

Together: Is the one who lights the match.

Beautiful service, huh?

[Cellphone buzzing]

It's Bart. I'm gonna take this.

Okay.

Well, that was that.

I thought you said Ben wasn't coming.

What?

Huh. "I did not expect that."

What is that voice you do? I never know who that is.

Johnny Carson.

"If the glove don't fit you must acquit" Johnny Carson?

Oh.

That question is parked right at the intersection of cute and you've got to be kidding me.

[Sighs] I'm sorry I'm late.

I didn't think you were coming.

Look, I don't want to be the kind of guy that nobody wants to go to a ballgame with.

I'm sorry about that. Obviously I was wrong.

I don't give you enough credit for being a good guy.

Look, if a guy dying right outside my shop isn't enough to let go of some petty grievance, you know, what kind of person would I be?

Okay, that's enough. That's enough.

It's not tight.

It's enough.

Now it's done.

If you don't mind, I'm gonna pay my respects.

Wow. You must have really gotten through to him.

You're good.

Thank you, Daniel.

That's not gonna stick.

I don't know. I just heard someone say it.

[Sighs]

I don't know if you can hear me, Mr. Painter, but if you can, I just want to say two words to you.

"Ha" and "ha."

Yeah. That's right.

I'm not really sad, but I do want to show my friends I'm not a heartless monster, so here's what I'm gonna do.

I'm gonna create the illusion of grief by hanging my head like I've seen in so many movies.

[Sighs]

How's that? Convincing?

If it's convincing, don't say anything.

Good. That's what I thought.

Now I'm gonna shake my shoulders so it looks like I'm crying.

[Sighs]

Is he crying?

That's what it looks like.

Oh, yeah. Look what time it is.

Time for the big finish.

Oh, man. I'm gonna bring the show on home with a heartwarming kiss on your ice-cold forehead.

I wouldn't be surprised if the crowd goes, "Aww."

[pants tear]

Oh, god. It's Wednesday.

You have got to stop sitting in the front row.

There you are.

Hey. Sorry I had to run out.

How was the rest of the funeral?

It was upsetting.

It's hard to say goodbye to a beloved teacher.

That's not what was upsetting.

How you doing?

I'm okay.

I'm sorry you had to see me cry like that.

Uh, no. If anyone should apologize, it's me.

I just got caught up in the moment.

But the truth is...

Everything's gonna be okay. More than okay.

You're gonna be an amazing mom. I'm sure of it.

And somehow everything will work out with you and Bart.

I'm afraid you're only half right.

All mothers-to-be are nervous, but you don't need large breasts to nurse.

You know, in Japan...

No, I'm talking about me and Bart.

This baby is the sign I've been praying for, but it's not telling me to stay with Bart, it's telling me to leave him.

I can't even count on him to remember my birthday.

May 29, 1989. Go ahead.

Robin: Hey!

Who took the scented candle out of the bathroom?

Oh, there it is.

You were saying about Bart not remembering your birthday?

Right. If I can't count on him for the small things, then how am I gonna count on him for something as huge as raising a child?

Well...

That phone call at the funeral home... that was me telling Bart that I'm leaving him.

Our marriage is over.

Oh.

What do you think?

I don't know.

You and Bart breaking up, I mean, that's big.

I don't know if I have the words to describe what I'm feeling right now.

Uh-oh!

If the words come to me, I'll let you know.

Damn it!

All: No! No!

All right.

No.

All right.

Don't do that.

Guys, can I get your attention please?

Joy has some wonderful news she wants to tell everybody.

I'm gonna count to three.

Together: One, two, three...

I'm having a baby!

Joy's marriage is over!

She's having a baby!

[cheers]