Tonight it's the dos and don'ts of social media, internet dating, creating a profile picture, and a guide for seniors.
Hashtag fail.
That's how not to behave.
(Cheering and applause)
Hello I'm Gretel Killeen.
And I'm Matt Okine.
And this is How Not To Behave -- the show that tames your inner grub, and transforms you into an accomplished social butterfly.
Yes, tonight, we head to my neck of the woods -- social media.
BigDickBoss right here --
34,000 on Instagram. Selfie game strong.
14,000 on Twitter -- staying chirpy.
8 thou -- on Facey.
Hit it and quit it, my friends. That's how I roll.
(Laughter)
You know, Matt, if you're gonna try and show off about your social media figures, you really need them to be impressive.
I hate to kind of upstage you, but Grumpy Cat has 7.8 million Facebook followers, OK?
And get a load of this.
Do you know who has 90,000 Twitter followers?
Who?
The San Francisco fog.
(Laughter)
There's no denying that social media is a massive deal.
14 million Australians have Facebook, that's 60% of the population.
So tonight, we're looking at social media.
We're looking at friendships, dating, finding out who that meathead your ex keeps duck-facing next to is...
All of that through the lens of the internet.
Now, I work in this arena, but even I yearn for a time when a 'friend' used to be someone you'd actually met, 'tweeting' was the sound a bird made, and to 'go viral' meant contracting the bubonic plague.
Now, if you feel the same way, then you might need our introductory oldies' guide to the new rules.
Here it is.
VOICE-OVER: Social media enables people to exchange information, connect with loved ones, and make lifelong friends with strangers they will never meet, nor do anything with.
It wants to know what TV shows we like.
QI?
I think I'll put in Midsomer Murders.
Australians over 50 often share a Facebook account with their partner.
This is because older couples are two halves of the same soul, and because only one of them knows how to use a computer.
Facebook is popular with the youth, so your grandchildren may have a Facebook account.
However, due to the seismic generational difference, you must never respond to their status updates, engage with their friends, or 'like' any photos of them on schoolies week.
Awww.
(Buzz!)
Whereas Facebook is about communicating with friends, Twitter is all about communicating with strangers.
It is a place to read and send short messages called 'tweets'.
Although Twitter allows us to follow strangers, normal rules of politeness still apply.
Deliberately upsetting people online is called 'trolling', and is never acceptable. - Eugh!
#FatTart.
(Laughs)
(Buzz!)
Instagram is a social network for uploading and viewing photos of meals, outfits, and faces in front of different backdrops.
Hashtags are a way to categorise anything you post by topic.
However, too many could make you appear like a deranged man shouting random words in the street.
Mother and child!
Blessed! Thinspiration!
I'm lovin' it!
(Buzz!)
Vine is a site where users share six-second videos.
As our attention spans dwindle, the six-second feature film will be commonplace.
Film: I've never shaved myself downs --
(Electric razor buzzes)
(Screams)
(Laughter)
(Buzz!)
On Snapchat, images or videos you take self-destruct after the recipient has seen them.
This makes it the ideal network for elected officials.
Social media is a great resource for young and old, but it can be addictive...
(Gasps for air)
.. so try not to lose focus on what's really important.
(Audience laughter)
(Buzz!)
Hashtag fail!
(Laughter and applause)
Hashtag inheritance.
That's gonna be you in 40 years.
Yeah, probably.
Yeah, it will be. Just completely addicted.
Now, social media is actually increasingly popular with seniors, and has proven to be beneficial for their mental and physical health, despite what that sketch just showed us of people dying.
The thing is, social media can make us feel powerful, but it can also make us hugely vulnerable, feeding the thriving social sport of public shaming.
Now, as a result of this thoughtless tweet, 'Going to Africa. Hope I don't get AIDS.
Just kidding. I'm white!'
(Audience groans in disapproval)
Completely inappropriate -- the girl sent it off before she caught a plane to Africa.
She said that as a result, she lost her job, her reputation, and she's not able to date anymore.
She says her life was destroyed.
Well, it doesn't always turn out like that.
This 19-year-old American girl received global death threats after posting these images.
On the upside, she went from 12,000 Facebook followers to 470,000, and she now has her own web series. - Oh, k*lling it!
Interestingly...
(Audience laughter)
.. it is rumoured that the entire Kardashian empire is based on a viral sex video.
That's a terrible phrase.
(Laughter)
So, for your own social survival, it's important to know the etiquette of social media.
Take a look.
VOICE-OVER: Social media is a great outlet for self-expression, but your profile does not exist in a vacuum.
Lisa's posted an update about her son Max.
He's just started day care.
Aw, that's nice.
Aw, cute!
Yeah.
(Bell rings)
When deciding how to behave online, consider your audience.
She says, 'Toilet training is going well.'
Oh, yeah. Oh, she's put a picture.
Eugh.
Oh, Lisa.
Be careful not to overstep the fine line between sharing and over-sharing.
(Buzz!)
Many people use Facebook to share their innermost thoughts and feelings.
Oh, my God, having you seen Anne's status update?
Yeah, it just says, 'Dark, dark times'.
Avoid being intentionally vague, as this can cause your friends undue alarm.
Anne! Anne! Anne!
You have so much to live for!
Are you in there, Anne!?
Hey, guys. What's up?
Well, we came as soon as we saw your status update.
'Dark times'?
Oh, that.
It's -- I was watching Masterchef, and the recording cut out in the last five minutes, so I didn't get to see who got kicked off.
(Buzz!)
Every image you post is open to interpretation, and may stir up strong feelings.
Oh, pathetic.
Yeah, I wish there was an 'unlike' button.
Your Instagram and Facebook pages are like your own private newspaper.
Imagine that you have your own editor to decide what's interesting enough to publish.
(Knocks on door)
Gavin, what have you got for me?
I've got a picture of my lunch. I had a salad and a smoothie.
What kind of salad?
Greek salad.
What's your angle on the smoothie?
I was thinking of sh**ting it from above and captioning it with #IQuitSugar, #Wellness, #SkinnierThanMyStraw.
You know full well this is strictly a one-hashtag-per-post publication!
What about an inspirational quote set upon a washed out landscape?
(Scoffs) Righto, Gandhi!
Maybe a picture of my legs on the beach with the caption, 'How's the weather back home?'
Jesus, no wonder we're haemorrhaging followers!
On the way to work today, I saw a cat...
Ugh. - No, no, stay with me, boss.
That looked like... Ryan Gosling?
Maybe... that could be a thing?
Yes!
Yes?
Break the internet. Let's run with that.
OK!
When posting on social media, try to avoid oversharing, vague announcements, and cliches.
(Laughs)
But when all else fails, people will always love pictures of cats.
How funny is that cat!?
(Both laugh)
(Ding!)
(Applause)
We're gonna get onesies like that for next week, and then Gretel's gonna hold me above the crowd like the Lion King.
I am. (Imitates Lion King song)
I am, I am.
You know what really gets me about that business?
Like, why aren't there more options than 'like'?
Like, if you know how people announce everything now -- they put everything on Facebook. - It is tough.
What about when, 'Oh, grandma's d*ed'... you can't just go like, can you?
No, no.
I usually just post the emoticon that's winking and the tongue's out.
That's my stroke emoticon.
(Laughter)
Who winks and pokes their tongue out at the same time?
But what about people who post images where their friends look really ugly, but they look fantastic.
Oh, stop doing that!
OK!? - I think we've all done that.
That is the rudest thing to do.
Just 'cause you look good, doesn't mean your friend can be winking with her tongue hanging out in the background, alright?
Stop it!
Whenever you take a photo...
'Oh, yeah, there we go.'
.. you look at it yourself, and you only look at yourself.
I would never look at your face, I'd go, 'Oh, I look alright. We'll post that.'
You might look like a dead dog! - I don't know.
No, it is not OK, OK?
Now, when it comes to Twitter, never retweet a compliment.
That's not cool.
You do that!
You do that!
It's still not OK, alright?
He doesn't only do it, he writes his own compliments first, and then retweets them.
I've set up another account that's under a different name.
Alright, and the other thing is, don't do this on Facebook -- if you're someone's boss, please do not add your employee on Facebook, OK?
It puts you in a terrible dilemma.
Or if you're someone's grandma, or auntie -- don't add someone on Facebook that you don't wanna see the truth.
You'll be like Tom Cruise in that movie --
'You can't handle the truth'.
My son told me that he was creating a special group -- a special group, and I was allowed to be a part of it, and I've since realised I'm the only one in the special group.
(Laughter)
And it's all just him doing really good Samaritan things, right?
Giving to the poor.
Yeah, exactly!
Helping old people.
Well, that's the thing, you've gotta set up a secret life in that way.
You've gotta set up a separate life to your real life if you wanna add your boss, auntie, grandpa.
So, if you want to create a secret life, can you?
It raises a question, how easy is it to create an image online?
Well, we sent our photogenic field reporter Zoe Coombes Marr out into the field to find out.
Hey, guys, do you mind if I take a selfie with you guys?
I want my ex to think that I'm hanging out with a whole bunch of people.
I'm actually here on my own in Sydney. - That's great!
But I just wanna put it online! Is that cool? - Of course!
So, if we just look like I'm having a really excellent time...
Can I ask you a favour? - Yeah?
Can I borrow your glasses for a photo? For a selfie?
Uh, yeah.
I'm just trying to make it look like I'm a bit more fashion-y.
Do you guys wanna get in the back so it looks like I have really cool friends?
(Laughter)
Can I take a photo with you guys with the map out? - Yeah!
I want it to look a bit more like I'm kind of vacationing.
OK. - Yeah? - Yeah, yeah.
Just looking at a map here. Oh, where are we?
(Laughter)
I told my work that I was visiting my grandparents, but I'm not -- but they don't know what they look like. Is that alright?
Right, is that cool? OK, let's smile.
Gotta snuggle in a bit more.
Beautiful!
(Laughter)
Lovely to meet you, Nana and Papa.
Yeah, good luck with that one.
Can I take a selfie, and maybe if you put your hand on my shoulder as though you've just given me a job? - OK.
OK, great.
Excellent.
I'll be really...
No, turn, turn, turn.
Oh, great! Yes.
(Laughter)
Pleasure doing business with you. - OK! (Laughs)
Cheers.
Nice selfie sticks.
Can I take a selfie with you guys?
That's nice and...
Ah!
Ooh!
Alright, OK. Everyone in?
(Laughter)
Do you mind pretending to be my boyfriend in a photo?
Pretending to be your boyfriend?
Yeah, I'm trying to beef up my social... my online profile.
Yeah, you wanna beef it up. - Yeah.
(Laughter)
Do you mind, like, kissing me on the cheek or something?
OK.
Is that alright?
Is this like, a social experiment? Am I being filmed somewhere?
No, no. - OK, a kiss on the cheek.
(Laughter)
Was that a good one?
Thank you. That was great.
Was that a good one?
Yeah, cheers.
It is a bloody social experiment. Joke's on you, boyfriend!
(Laughter)
(Cheering and applause)
I do just wanna point out that everybody who appears on these things does give their permission, so we were not out shaming that bloke at the end.
No, not at all!
It's such a sensitive area, that whole blaming and shaming people in public, and making out to look foolish, which is interesting, because we have a very special guest here who knows all about social media, knows what's happening, and he's joining us I-R-L -- that's 'in real life' -- would you please welcome comedian and human hashtag Joel Creasey.
(Cheering and applause)
Hello! Thanks!
How are ya? Human hashtag!
Human hashtag, you are indeed. You're also a big fan of the selfie.
How many selfies do you reckon you've clocked up so far?
Hundreds. Thousands! A day!
I just wanna ask, do you feel this is an artistic form of expression, or do you think you're a raging narcissist?
Abso -- , the... the latter. And that's why I'm here.
If I don't get at least 100 Instagram followers from being here tonight, I will be disappointed and upset.
How many have you got? On Instagram, I've got 30,000.
Nothing! - Yeah. Not as many as me. That sucks.
How many do you have on Instagram!? - 34. Whatever.
(Laughter)
Hey, now, is there an inappropriate time/place to do a selfie?
No, I don't think so.
But, I mean, I went to the 9/11 memorial, and there were a lot of people taking selfies there.
And I thought, 'Why would you take a selfie there'?
You wanna be -- Instagram's about being sexy, and that's not a sexy location.
That's a sad location.
Yeah, let's have a look at this one.
Well, that's at Martin Place.
The Lindt Cafe.
Yeah, no. No.
I think the problem is they're smiling.
Go and have a photo at Bondi. No, not there. That's awful.
And also, the other thing is, the guy's doing the peace sign.
The situation is the exact opposite of peace.
Yeah, absolutely not. Get a Mai Tai on the beach at Bondi.
Take your shirt off, use the Amaro filter, you'll get a lot more likes.
It's so weird, because my generation was brought up not to draw attention to yourself.
And yours is completely 'draw attention to yourself'.
Hey, my grandma's on social media, so...
What's she doing with it?
She's online dating.
No! How old is she?
81. Muriel, from Perth.
(Laughter)
How's she going?
Yeah, how's she going? Is it...?
Nailing it.
Because she met a guy online -- his name's Barry, he's 83,he lives here in Sydney, and --
Is that his real name?
That's his real name.
I don't make up fake names, 'cause it doesn't feel right to me.
Shouldn't we take a moment to think about how it feels for Barry?
Muriel and Barry.
Oh, umm... Hi, Barry. Call my grandma back.
(Laughter)
Anyway, this is a true story, I swear to God.
Well, I swear on Meryl Streep's life this is true.
I'm atheist and gay.
I, uh... they were chatting online, and they went on their first date.
And for their first date, I was like, 'But you're in Perth, he's in Sydney, what, are you gonna go to Alice Springs for coffee, like halfway?'
And, um, for their first date, they didn't do anything normal and then go out for coffee or to the movies.
For their first date, they went on a two-week cruise together, that she managed to get him to pay for.
(Cheering and applause)
Go, girl!
Yeah!
And she doesn't wanna settle down with him, does she?
No! She's got like six cruises booked this year!
One from eHarmony, one from Tinder... Yeah!
Just tell me, in all of your social media activity, any regrets?
Oh, yeah, constantly.
Like what?
Oh, a couple of bad filter choices. - (Laughter)
No, I'm always picking fights on Twitter with people, and I'm not very smart, so I'm always wrong.
Would you pick the same fights in real life? - No! Absolutely not.
So you're a troll as well!
Absolutely!
But surely you get trolled?
I love getting trolled -- so much.
What's the most horrible thing you've been told.
'Die.' I've had that heaps of times.
I'm like, 'Oh, I'm flat out, I can't.'
(Laughter)
I have this online hater named Darren.
What I do is I go and like all my haters' photos, and it freaks them out.
And this online hater named Darren, he doesn't have a profile picture, 'cause he's very brave.
But, um, he messages me, honestly, every few days.
And I think I'm falling in love with him.
Why?
What does he say?
He'll be like, 'Burn in hell!' - (Laughter)
Honestly! I always reply.
I'm like, 'Oh, I went to Bikram yoga this morning, so I get it.'
Do you send nude photos?
Yeah, I've sent nude photos before.
To Darren?
Not to Darr --
Oh, have I to Darren? Probably at some point.
By mistake, I've accidentally sent a lot of friends nude photos too.
Have I sent you one?
No, I haven't received one.
Could you send me one, please?
Absolutely, Gretel!
Please thank Joel Creasey, ladies and gentlemen!
(Cheering and applause)
Thank you.
Now, whether you're in the market for true love, or you're just using Tinder to find a mad rooter, you're gonna need an etiquette system update.
Let's swipe right on these rules.
VOICE-OVER: Love can be elusive.
Thankfully, there's no longer a stigma attached to online dating, and many have turned to the internet to find that special someone.
When building a profile for online dating, choose a range of images that clearly reflect both you and the kind of person you wish to attract.
Never opt for images that are too blurry, too outdated, too crowded, or expose too much flesh.
(Laughter)
Your photo may help to communicate your personality and interests.
You are not obliged to reflect all these interests on your first date.
(Buzz!)
Everyone wants a flattering profile picture.
However, it is unwise to raise the expectations of your date by trying to make yourself appear more attractive than you actually are.
(Buzz!)
When arranging a date, activity choice is paramount.
On my signal, unleash hell!
And that's how they do it.
(Buzz!)
The ideal first date would be in a public space, inexpensive, and close to transport, in case one of you wishes to escape.
(Ding!)
Those of you who are lucky enough to find love online may still have to contend with tricky matters of protocol.
Do you, Dave, agree to cease playing the field, on Tinder and OkCupid, for the duration of this relationship?
I do.
And do you, Chloe, agree to delete your online dating profiles, even though they only remained activated just to keep your options open?
I do.
You may now delete your profiles.
Deleting your profile should occur after a couple has decided to date exclusively, but before selecting 'in a relationship' on Facebook.
(Applause)
Yes?
What, have you ever done that? Instagram dating?
I've never done -- I've, you know. I've dated people on Instagram.
I've got issues with Tinder and stuff, though.
I think that when it comes to just profile pics, just use a sh*t of yourself.
Don't have a fish in there, don't be with a group of friends, OK?
It's not a lucky dip.
You shouldn't be trying to figure out which one you're gonna end up meeting.
I like people putting props in, because it allows me to determine how tall they are.
(Laughter)
I think that's important.
It is actually quite important -- to figure out what you're gonna get.
That's the other thing, OK.
Have a full body sh*t at one stage, have just a headshot at the other -- keep it simple.
Yeah.
Now, to get the lowdown on the high life, we conducted a poll on online dating, and we discovered that 18% of Australians aged 18-64 use dating apps or websites.
Did you think it would be more than that?
If Joel's 81-year-old grandmother is using it, I definitely thought that everyone would be using it.
But don't forget, a huge part of the population is married, so presumably they're not using them -- although, there are special apps for people having affairs when they are married. - Mm.
Alright, second statistic.
53% use it to find a long-term relationship.
23% for sex.
7% for friendship.
7% to find a short-term relationship, otherwise known as a failed long-term relationship.
Or the weirdest one is, 9% use it for 'something else'.
(Laughter)
What the hell is 'something else'? - I don't know.
What is that?
Aerobics?
I don't know.
Now, have you ever sent a nudie sh*t of yourself?
Ah, no. No, I have not.
I think my penis is too recognisable.
I have a friend, and whenever she dates someone, they seem to send a picture of their penis to her...
What?
.. and then she sends it to me. - (Laughter)
And I cannot tell you how many of her boyfriends I will only recognise if they're not wearing pants.
Now, while it appears that everyone is sending people nudie sh*ts, the fact is you can't always trust the recipient will keep you privates private.
So, the rule?
Well, some people suggest you shouldn't post a picture that you don't want the whole world to see.
Everyone is, of course, despite that, going on apps and sharing photos.
Yes, there's dating sites for everything you can think of.
Every race, creed, and fetish.
Whatever you want, they got it.
That is so true.
There's Meet-An-Inmate.com, for those seeking companionship with someone incarcerated, High There, which has been described as 'Tinder for drug users', Positive Singles -- online dating for people with STDs, GlutenFreeSingles.com, and my personal favourite, ClownDating.com.
(Laughter)
Yeah, and if you are a disease-ridden clown, behind bars, who doesn't like bread, uh, call me!
(Laughter)
You're right up my alley.
As far as relationships go, let's cr*ck the binoculars, and look through the online bushes towards Facebook, where nine out of ten peeps, Gretel, admit to using it to keep tabs on their exes.
Which leads us to the phenomenon of online sleuthing.
Ooh!
Let's take a peek.
VOICE-OVER: The internet is a wonderful tool for accessing almost anything you desire, but the temptation to snoop through the social media profiles of our friends and enemies can be too much for some to bear.
I hate you!
Too much sleuthing can be invasive.
You wouldn't go through your friend's bin.
Similarly, you shouldn't 'like' an old holiday photo posted eight months ago.
(Siren sounds, dog barks)
(Buzz!)
The culture of online sharing has made it easier to stay abreast of the lives of friends, but remember to be tactful when listening to anecdotes.
Oh my God, you'll never guess whose suitcase I picked up from the carousel..
Justin Bieber's! I saw you post on Facebook, and I retweeted it!
Now it's trending worldwide! How good's that!?
How good's that?
That was your news.
(Buzz!)
And a photo on the internet doesn't always tell the whole story.
I need to find out, though, who is this new man, please?
Who's this silver fox whose got his arm around you all over Facebook?
Hey? Hey?
That's my grandfather. It was at my nan's wake.
OK. So, he's single.
(Buzz!)
When it comes to work, it is prudent to research a company before your job interview.
Alright, do you have any questions for us?
Um, well, I read online about the recent acquisition of your major competitor, and I was just wondering how that might affect this role, and the general culture of the company.
(Ding!)
But remember, your entire digital footprint is searchable.
I came across your Twitter account.
We were wondering, would you be willing to make it private?
It's just that you seem to tweet about Justin Bieber a lot.
Like, 'a lot' a lot.
(Buzz!)
Scanning the social media profile of a potential love interest can be a convenient way to assess compatibility.
Guess what.
Oh, your favourite film's Donnie Darko, you majored in political science, and your ex-girlfriend has a surprisingly lucrative protein ball company in Adelaide...
Byron Bay!
(Clear throat)
No, I was... just gonna say I need to put money in the parking meter, actually, so...
Too much pre-date sleuthing can k*ll the mystique.
(Buzz!)
No, I love a stalk.
Why?
Oh, I could stalk... find out your Instagram handle with a used bus ticket and a strand of hair.
Honestly, I'm so into it.
But why would you want to?
It's just interesting. You wanna find out the history of some people.
I'll tell you why I don't stalk ex-relationships -- because I do not want to see them happy.
(Laughter)
I don't.
Unless they are gonna show pictures of themselves miserable and depressed, I don't want that in my life.
But did you know, actually, I'm accidentally onto the right thing, because studies show that checking the Facebook pages of less attractive and less successful friends can dramatically lift your spirits.
(Laughter)
So I hope you've learned something from that, Matt.
No, I did. I did.
But, what are the rest of us planning to take away from tonight's social media seminar?
No one does social media as well as a senior citizen.
Keep your Facebook friends close, but crop your enemies out of your photos.
And you should update your privacy settings, 'cause Matt's probably already stalking you.
(Laughter)
Well, that's it for tonight's lesson.
Yes, join us next week, where we continue to fix the world one rule at a time. Night!
(Cheering and applause)
01x05 - Social Media
"How Not to Behave" is based on a Swedish format on manners and etiquette, each episode tests the boundaries of a familiar theme providing a "how-to" guide and offering solutions to social shortcomings.