02x05 - Pimps

[bunniefuu]

Come on, you really have to go to bed.

I'm not going to sleep until Daddy says good night.

(sighs) Fine, I'll get him.

Russ: Hi, sweetie. I love you.

Remember me?

Kinda.

S02E05
Pimps

It's, uh, it's almost 11:00.

Is it?

Yeah. How, uh... how much longer you-you think it'll be?

Till when?

Uh, just, you know, until we all go home?

Mm... let's give it another hour.

And then we'll see where we are. (sighing)

Okay, well, uh... this design here is definitely the room favorite.

Yeah, you mentioned that.

Okay.

(scoffs softly)

What'd he say?

Mm, no end in sight.

(groans) What is wrong with him?

He has no one to go home to, that's the problem.

Yeah, well, at least I have my cats.

Cats? Really? As in, plural?

Yeah. I rescued another one.

One more cat, and no man will ever love you. You know that?

Three cats. Die alone.

Got it.

I'm so lucky to have you as my mentor. (chuckles)

You should go home.

No.

Ypi stay, I stay.

It's my job, boss.

There's some chicken in the fridge if you're hungry.

Oh, uh... Miranda and I had Greek.

And pizza.

Whoa.

You spend more time with her than you do with your family.

Assistants are better than wives.

They do what you ask them to.

Well, then I should get one of those.

Mm-hmm.

(footsteps rapidly approaching)

Mom, Dad, oh, my gosh!

Shh. What are you doing up? Why are you awake?

Harper's family is going to Hawaii for spring break, and they invited me to come with.

Uh... how much is that gonna cost?

Oh, they're paying for everything.

Can I go?

Whoa.

I got to... your dad and I have to talk about that.

Okay? Go back to bed. We're gonna talk about it.

Right?

Yeah.

It's probably fine. (sighs)

We'll talk about it. We have to talk about it.

We have to... your father and I have to talk about that.

We have to talk about it.

Shouldn't the first time that she goes to Hawaii be with us?

When are we gonna go to Hawaii?

I wish I knew.

Well, maybe we can take our own family vacation over spring break.

I'll never get those days off.

You could ask.

(sighs) Why don't we just let her go?

Don't you see what this is?

What?

It's the beginning of the end.

This is when she starts to care more about her friends than spending time with any of us.

That's normal.

Well, I'm not ready for it.

Russ: I don't know what she wants from me.

You know? Before, I didn't work enough, and now I work too much.

It's like... ugh.

You know, most men who abandon their families start new ones. (scoffs)

I wasn't considering that.

Oh.

I fantasize about abandoning Cindy all the time.

But then what?

Another Cindy.

Abandon that Cindy.

Then what?

Another Cindy.

I have a type.

Yeah, well, my Cindy wants me to go away with the family for spring break.

Oh, so your wife wants you to go away with your kids.

You're right, she's a monster.

No, it's Gil.

I don't want to have to ask that Asperger shithead for permission to hang out with my family.

That's humiliating.

He's like talking to a robot.

Exactly.

Yeah, I'm not asking him.

What are you gonna say to Lina?

Then I forgot.

It's a good strategy.

What happened to group hang?

It used to be so good for vacations, and now it's just all tattoo and laser hair removal.

Yeah. It's crazy.

You're not even listening.

Sorry. I-I'm texting with AJ.

Ooh, that's still happening?

Mm-hmm.

I never met anybody like him.

Most people haven't.

Anyway, sorry.

You were talking about a cheap vacation.

Yeah. Do you have any ideas?

Um...

Oh.

You know, um, one of the moms in Maya's class has a condo in Carpinteria.

It's, like, a walk from the beach.

Carpinteria.

Yeah.

I could work that a little.

Yeah, work it.

Hi. Alice, right?

Hi.

Hi. I'm Lina.

I'm Maya's mom. Oh, yeah.

Yeah. You teach here, right?

Substitute. I substitute teach, so I don't really teach.

But I still need a vacation.

Great.

Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom.

Hi, Jane.

Hi. Jane, don't be rude.

I'm sorry.

Oh, it's fine.

I'm just realizing that we've never hung out.

That's right.

Should we get the girls together?

Jane's always asking for playdates.

(school bell rings)

No, no, no. That girl has problems.

Everyone has problems.

Hers are worse.

I need you to go on this playdate.

Do you know how many shitty moms I've had to hang out with because of you?

(sighs)

What if I told you that Daddy and I were planning a family vacation of our own over spring break?

Where would we go?

Well, we might go to Carpinteria.

Fancy condo, right on the beach.

It all depends on Maya, though, doesn't it?

Russ: Lina, why would you say that?

You can't promise them things that I haven't agreed to.

Yeah, but now I'm gonna be the one that lets them down.

I realize we need time together, but we also need to eat.

Yes, fine, I will ask him.

Good-bye.

Everything okay?

Yeah, it's just my wife wants you to ask Gil for those vacation days I need.

Your wife wants me to do that?

Come on, please?

Help me out, here.

I-I really don't think it's that hard.

I think you just have to, like, act like he's a pal.

I think he looks up to you. Just hang out with him.

Ew. Really?

Call him a... call him a bro.

He'll like that. He'll be, like, "Oh... we're friends."

(chuckles)

Hey, buddy.

How you doing?

Um, hey, what are you, uh, what are you doing tonight?

It's a work night. I'm not sure what you mean.

Oh, I was just thinking...

I don't know, maybe we should, uh, go out.

You know? Like, grab a bite. Have some fun.

Grab a bite? Hmm.

Hmm.

Hmm.

So, uh, do you... do you come here often, or...

No. Between work and the gym, I don't really have time.

Russ, can I ask you a question?

Caveat: it's personal.

Uh, sure, man.

Are you having sex with your assistant?

What? Excuse me?

Your assistant. Are you having sex with her?

No.

But you guys are always laughing and joking around.

Yeah.

Like... two people who do have sex.

Yeah. That's... 'cause we're friends.

That's... that's it.

So you don't wanna have sex with her?

Not really.

You're lucky.

You understand women.

The rituals. WantThe communication. her?

Uh... I try.

You know?

I got a full house of 'em at home, so...

Which, uh, reminds me... can I ask you a favor? I...

Please keep sh**ting.

It's, uh... about my family.

Evade! Evade!

AJ: When I met you and I told you that I was sober, that was not a put-on. That was not a pose.

That was a life choice I had made that meant a lot to me.

The chicken piccata looks so good.

I was definitely gonna get that.

And then, a week later, I went into a dark place, and I slipped again.

I can relate.

Um... a couple weeks ago, I found out that my ex got his new girlfriend a... a boob job.

Wow.

So I drank a whole bottle of wine that night.

Really?

Mm-hmm.

How often does that happen?

Oh, well, I think she just got the one boob job.

No, I meant the drinking.

Do you want another glass of wine?

Um... Do you want one?

Uh, yeah, I kind of do, if that's okay.

That's a very personal decision.

Mmm.

Hey, I just had a great idea. What are you doing this weekend?

I don't know.

I do.

Oh... all right. (chuckles)

It's a surprise.

Hey, did you get the dates?

I tried. I really tried.

Did you really?

Yeah, I did, okay? Don't do that.

I just spent the whole night playing video games with that weirdo, and he still shut me down, okay?

Well, are you gonna tell Ella, or should I?

(sighs)

Hey, Daddy.

Hey.

How are you?

I can't wait for our vacation.

Oh, yeah, yeah. Our vacation.

Yeah, um, I was thinking, though, wouldn't... wouldn't you rather getting to Hawaii with Harper?

It sounds so much fun it's beautiful there.

Yeah, but when I told Harper we were going on vacation, she invited Lily instead.

(clicks tongue)

Okay.

(chuckles softly)

(birds chirping, dog barking)

Do I have to do this?

Honey, here is a photo of the condo in Carpenteria.

It is right on the beach.

Fine.

Thank you.

You're really taking one for the team right now, and I appreciate it.

You're my hero.

This is fun.

I know, right? It's very...

We should do this more often.

Yeah, totally.

I'm kind of surprised that Gil let us leave early.

Actually, Gil is joining us.

(chuckles) Wait, really?

Yeah.

Why?

Well, Gil is...

Why?

He's-he's a really interesting guy.

Is he?

And I may have told him that you wanted to hang out.

That's... Why would you tell him that?

This could be good for us.

Us? Why would that be good for us?

Yes.

Because... Okay, think about it.

If Gil becomes more comfortable with women, right, then maybe he'll become more of, like, a normal guy and let us go on vacations and stuff like normal human beings.

He'll treat his employees...

Okay, so you want me to blow him or something?

No.

No, I don't. I just want you to, like, talk to him, you know, and-and laugh at his jokes and make him feel comfortable.

Okay, I thought this was about work.

I brought you my portfolio to look at, and now I'm just, like... I feel stupid or something.

No. Now you can just cut out the middleman, right?

And you can just... show 'em right to Gil.

You pimped me out to the robot.

Hey, dude. You guys talking about robots?

No, no, no. We... No.

Oh, it's okay.

I know that's what everybody calls me.

(scoffs) I don't... No. I don't...

(chuckles) No.

Robots aren't so bad. (chuckles)

Um... I-I have a Roomba.

Russ: Very cool. That is very cool.

See, you guys have a lot in common.

(chuckles) That's awesome.

Um... Oh, no.

Oh, Lina just texted. There's a family emergency.

You know what, I got to go. I'm so sorry. Um...

That's okay.

I will see you at work.

Um... Uh, uh, is everyone okay?

Yeah. Yeah, no, it's just Lina's got this thing here.

She has a thing? A thing?

She's got a thing, and I...

Yeah, and I got to help her.

Specifically...?

It's just this thing that I-I got to... I got to...

I got to take care of.

You know you're a terrible person, right?

I owe you one.

I trusted you.

You're the best. (scoffs)

(gasps)

Wow, this place is beautiful. (chuckles)

Where's our room?

We're in the Sandpiper Conference Room.

Are they out of regular rooms?

(indistinct chatter)

What is this?

Who are all these people?

(chatter stops)

AJ: People who care about you. People who came on short notice to help you talk about your problem.

Is that my gardener?

I dialed the last ten numbers on your phone so that we could talk to you.

Woman: Excuse me.

You rear-ended me last Thursday.

I got to settle the insurance claim.

We hurt people when we're sick.

Is that my neighbor?

I hope so. She was standing right outside of your door, so...

I really don't understand.

Like, who is that lady?

That's your yoga teacher.

That's not my yoga teacher.

I'm-I'm filling in for Heather.

(sighs) I know these aren't your closest family and friends, but I did the best I could on short notice.

Hector, maybe you start.

"Dear Miss Abby, I hear you have a drinking problem. Sorry about the mean thoughts I had for you. And now I understand why you don't tip. It's because you're sick, sick with addiction."

It feels good to finally sit down.

Oh, doesn't it?

I always say that sitting is like a vacation from standing.

And don't we all need that?

Yeah.

You know?

We do.

Right.

Hi, Peach.

Can we go home?

No, not yet.

She keeps making me play robber.

Lina: So?

Maya: I always have to be the robber.

So? That's great. The villain's the best part.

I don't want the part.

Go.

So, teaching.

Did you study education?

You know, it's funny. I didn't.

Um, I went to business school.

Kind of stumbled upon teaching.

I spend, you know, all day now with kids.

All day... all night, at home with my kids, so it's kind of nonstop. Just kids, kids, kids.

I do that, too.

You're a psychologist, right?

Child psychologist.

Oh, sh*t. So you're in the same boat.

Yeah.

(Maya screams)

Get off of me!

Oh, my God.

Jane, what are you doing?! Jane!

Get off of me.

Mom, she robbed me!

Maya, Maya, Maya. Stop it right now.

Nobody steals from me!

Oh, sweetie. (crying)

I'm so sorry. Is she okay?

Oh...

(crying): Mommy.

So, I hear you have a condo on the beach?

I'm sorry. It's just when you said you drank a whole bottle of wine...

I was trying to connect with you.

But then you drank three glasses at dinner.

Three glasses? You know, sometimes I drink, sometimes I don't.

I'm not an addict.

I'm starting to figure that out. I just got excited because I thought we had something in common. My bad.

If you don't want to see me again, I get it.

(sighs)

No one's ever thrown me an intervention before.

So you liked it?

No, I didn't.

(sighs)

But I like you.

You do?

Hey.

Hey.

How'd it go?

It was good.

Do you hate me?

No.

Are you sure?

Yeah.

What happened?

Mm, we just, like, got a few drinks.

And?

(sighs) So, like, you know, I get out my portfolio to show him. And he's like, Uh-huh.

"Should we take this to my place?"

Oh, no.

So I was like, "Screw it." I went.

You went?

We were there maybe, like, 15 minutes, Uh-huh. and he... asks if he could touch himself.

Oh, Miranda, I'm so sorry.

So I said, "Sure."

You did?

I don't know. I don't know.

It was, like, so direct.

I thought maybe it would be interesting, like, in a story or something.

And, like... (chuckles)

I'm sitting there. He gets up, he goes to the bathroom for, like, lotion, I'm assuming, and comes back five minutes later.

And he says he's finished and now we can make milk shakes.

Wow. Wow.

Yeah.

Wow. Okay.

(chuckling): Oh, God.

Okay. Uh... wow.

All right, uh, we got to... we can't talk about this at the office.

(chuckles) No. We just can't. This would be bad for me.

Hey. Heard about the masturbating robot.

Awesome. (whirring noises)

Eh, eh, beep, boop, beep, boop, beep, boop, beep, Oh... boop, beep, beep, boop. (whirring noises)

I might have told a couple people.

(whirring noises) Beep, boop, beep, boop, beep, boop.

Isn't it beautiful here?

Russ: Yeah, it's pretty sweet.

Can someone turn me a little away from the sun?

Say hey to daddy.

Hey, daddy.

Hey, daddy.

Guys, do you mind just trying to, like, sort of turn me to the right?

I just want to see, there's a... girl in a bikini over there.