02x04 - Knotty Pine

[bunniefuu]

Emma: Here's the thing. We have to push her boundaries.

Mm-hmm.

Okay?

Because she's playing it way too safe.

Yeah, I know.

I mean, her body be banging. We've established that.

I can hear everything you girls are saying about me.

Tina, can you please come out and show us?

Maggie: We can't help you if we don't see it.

God, she's tough.

Tough nut to cr*ck.

Yeah.

Whoa!

Whoa, whoa!

Mamacita, mamacita.

Ay, ay, ay, ay! Damn, girl.

Oh, my God, give me that.

Look at this.

Give me that sweet stuff, girl.

This is crazy.

Yes to the dress.

I feel very exposed.

Okay, Mark is gonna lose his mind when he sees you in this dress.

Oh, I don't know, I doubt he'll even notice it.

Look how good you look in this picture, even under these fluorescents.

I'm gonna send it to him.

That is a lot of skin.

Tina, it is our responsibility, as citizens of these United States of America, to purchase you this dress.

Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.

I don't know.

And that dress, honey, is complimentary...

both: To your butt!

I'm gonna get another sh*t of this.

I didn't even know you had a butt.

I do. [laughs] I do have a butt.

Got it.

You know what?

Let's go for it.

[cheering]

All right, first disco purchase.

Girlfriend time is fun.

We should really do this again.

Absolutely, absolutely.

We should.

Okay, good, 'cause I signed us up for an all ladies woodworking class.

What's that now?

We're gonna learn to build our own birdhouses!

Are you girls in?

That...

Yes! I'll bring my toolbox.

What about you, Emma?

You know what it is... ah!

I can't wait.

♪Just can't wait ♪

Yay. Girlfriends.

[together] Girlfriends.

[laughter]

[Say Hi's Back before We Were Brittle playing]

♪Hey, remember when ♪
♪All of time stood still ♪
♪Ooh, do do do do ♪
♪Back before we were brittle ♪
♪Back before we were brittle ♪

Why do we have to build houses for birds?

Birds are doing it for themselves.

Think I wanna be here? I don't need this.

But we are here because we are being good girlfriends.

There she is.

Maggie, Emma, I'm so excited you made it.

[laughter]

Can't wait.

man: All right, ladies, let's take a seat.

[Ozzy Osbourne's Crazy Train playing]

♪♪
♪Ay ay ay ♪
♪♪

Greetings, ladies.

I'm Buck Finch.

I'm a master woodworker.

And today I'm going to take you on a journey that's gonna cr*ck you all wide open.

Good-ness.

Ladies, in front of you, you have a piece of lumber.

Go ahead. Touch it.

Cup it at the base.

Get comfortable with the wood in your hands.

Mm. [chuckles] How's it feel?

Oh, hard.

Wrong.

Because in the right hands, a hard wood can be made soft.

And a soft wood can be made hard.

[slap]

Mm.

And a knotty pine, that can be made as smooth as the inside of a woman's thigh.

Did he just blow on it?

He did. Yes, he did.

[soft rock music]

♪♪

We've just been sanding the same piece of wood for 45 minutes.

This is basic.

Hey, how's it going over there, Teens?

I'm loving it.

Hey there. What's your name?

Oh, I'm Maggie.

You're doing some great work there, Maggie.

Yeah, I know.

Okay.

All right.

Ah, mind if I look at your bird entry there, Tina?

It's all yours.

Buck: Very smooth.

Well, you just keep doing what you're doing, 'cause you're doing everything right.

Oh, hey, Buck, do you want to check my bird entry?

I don't have to. You have a rough hole.

Very unwelcoming.

My hole is very welcoming. Ask anyone.

[upbeat music]

Last week, I had a drop-off at Shirley Lambert's house.

Oh, I saw she had another wreath up on her door.

Another week, another wreath.

This one is just a bunch of dirty flip-flops hot glued in a circle.

Excuse me, what holiday is that?

Gek.

[laughter]

Anyway, so she goes, "Do you want a Diet Coke?"

And so of course I said, "Excuse me?"

Because, you know, I...

You...

[together] Can't say "no" to a Diet Coke.

I know.

[laughter]

So I'm sitting in her kitchen, and what do you know, but Shirley Lambert walks in stark naked.

[gasps] Rod, no.

Maggie, yes.

Excuse me.

Excuse me.

Excuse me?

Oh, Emma, you know our delivery guy, Rod Rockemoor?

Of course, hello.

Emma.

Ooh, so great to see that bleaching system you ordered is working out.

You can hardly see any dark hairs at all... eh.

Eh.

Eh.

Well, Maggie, I gotta scoot, but I will see you tomorrow.

All right, bye now.

Oh, God, that guy.

What is the delivery man doing in our house?

He is a human being, and his name is Rod.

Well, it's inappropriate.

Maybe you should spend less time gab, gab, gabbing and more time build, build, building this birdhouse of mine.

Absolutely not... you need to learn the lesson of building the birdhouse yourself.

Ugh.

There's gonna be a lot of birds that are going to be very unhappy.

Well, they can come on over to my triple townhouse, have a grand old time.

Ugh.

Just one last piece and you're mine.

Whoa, wait, no, whoa!

Can you make these pieces look like a birdhouse?

Emma!

What?

I was in the midst of solving a crime right here.

Do you understand?

What crime?

Somebody wrote the word "turd" on every single vending machine in town.

It's just like The Wire, huh?

Where's McNulty when you need him?

Hey, listen, I really do need you to build that birdhouse for me though, okay?

Why are you building a birdhouse?

I'm in that dumb class with your wife.

Didn't she tell you?

Maybe she did. She says a lot of things.

Well, she's making us take this woodworking class, and I need to build a birdhouse.

Why don't you just ask your boyfriend, the rabbi, to do it?

I'm sorry, he's too busy leading the spiritual lives of people.

Okay, so thank you very much.

N-n-n-n-n-no. Don't leave this here.

I have other crimes to solve.

What, like who wrote "burglar" under the word "turd"?

That was me.

Crawford, are you kidding me?

You did not build that birdhouse.

Yes, I did. I built it all night long in my room.

Uh-huh, you fell asleep at 7:45 watching the burn victim episode of Downton Abbey.

Don't you think I didn't notice.

Okay, but what happened was, I woke up in the middle of a dream, and I was like, "Oh, my God, this is how I build a birdhouse."

And I was like... [clicks tongue]

Uh-huh, uh-huh.

And I just built it.

Oh, shut up, shut up.

Buck: That's it, so smooth.

Well, he seems to find her hole a-very welcoming.

God, I wonder who it is.

I don't know.

You're doing a heck of a job.

You're a great teacher.

[both gasp] Bird Bones.

Oh. [laughs]

Wow.

Okay, this is bad.

Okay. We have to make it stop.

How do we make it stop?

I don't know. I don't know.

Do something, Maggie.

Um, um, um...

[screams]

Oh!

My birdhouse that I built myself.

What a klutz.

[laughs]

What are you two kids up to?

Buck is teaching me how to use the hand planer.

And let me tell you, there is nothing plain about it.

[laughter]

I'm gonna head back to the hand planer. You wanna come?

Okay.

All right.

You're gonna want to find the hole.

Don't... don't jam it. Just give it a nice, slow push.

Well, at least we know why he wasn't into me.

Yeah, that's the thing we're taking away from this.

Okay, here's the thing I don't understand.

They didn't act caught at all.

Mm, so they clearly haven't done the nasty.

Yet.

[squeals and claps]

You're a natural.

You're an absolute natural.

All right, we have to stop this before it starts.

N-n-n-n-no. We are not touching this with a 10-foot pole.

Do you remember the last time I got involved in a "Mark and Bird Bones" situation?

It did not end well.

We have to, okay? We are her only friends.

There is no one else to warn her.

Buck: That was amazing.

Thanks for the demo, Tina.

Probably the best one I've ever had. I mean that.

Ladies, if I could have your attention, please.

I have a confession to make.

Not only do I teach women how to work with wood, but I'm also a DJ for hire. [laughs]

And I'm gonna be throwing down some hot jams tonight at Snuffy's Clam Bar, and I sure hope I see you all down there.

Hard pass.

No, thank you.

I'll be there, Buck.

Thanks, Tina.

[sighs]

Us too.

We will also be there.

[wood creaking]

So, Tina, that Buck is really something, isn't he?

Oh, I am learning so much from him.

Yeah.

Hmm.

He told me he wants to take me to the lumberyard next week.

Wait, what?

He's gonna put you in his car?

Yeah, he wants me to experience all the different woods that the world has to offer.

Okay, okay.

Is that right?

Sometimes, Tina, um... we can get too close in a relationship without even realizing it's happening.

Yeah, suddenly...

And then you're just in it.

You know?

You're enmeshed.

Yeah, and you're like, uh-oh.

Does that make sense?

This is too close.

Right.

'Cause I don't really know you.

Mm-hmm.

Totally.

Wait, what are you saying?

Um...

Let me take this.

Maggie: I thought that was pretty clear.

Por ejemplo...

That's, uh, "for example" in Spanish.

Maggie here has an inappropriate relationship with our delivery guy.

Oh, come on.

You invited a delivery person into our sunroom.

He just put his gammy in a home, and he was feeling very sad.

See what I'm talking about, Tina?

I think I understand.

It's like you and Mark.

What now?

Well, that relationship was inappropriate.

Okay, I don't... let's...

I think we can just moveon.org about that.

Okay, I'm going to give it to you straight, Buck Finch is trying to sex you.

What? No.

He definitely has a thing for you.

He just likes my birdhouse.

Okay, well, he doesn't give me that kind of personal attention, and my birdhouse is phenomenal.

Well, it's just a little basic.

Oh, God.

What did you say to me?

Okay.

I said it was basic.

Say that again, Teens.

It's basic.

No, Tina, please don't say it again.

No, say it again.

Don't say it again.

Say it again.

You keep saying "Say it again."

Don't do it.

Say it again.

Please don't, Tina.

Basic.

What did you say to me?

Girlfriends, right?

[upbeat music]

♪♪

Oh.

Emma.

W-what are you doing here?

Your cruiser was in the driveway, but you weren't answering the front door.

That's because I didn't want to be bothered.

Why? What are you doing in here? Oh, my God.

Is this a train set?

It is not a train set.

It is a tabletop railroad modeling system, set in a miniature Pinebrook.

Man, this is bananas.

I don't know, I just kinda go to work, and then I come home, and I work on this.

[gasps] Is that our house?

Yeah, look in that window right there.

Oh, my God, there's a baby Charlotte.

Okay, that is cute.

And look right next to it, that's Maggie.

Yeah.

And then I don't have a model for you yet, so I just...

I've been using a Grimace from a Happy Meal.

All right.

Hey, listen, I need you to build this birdhouse again.

W-what happened to the first one I built?

Well, the students were so jealous of it because of how good it was that they destroyed it.

Yeah, I'll make an inferior one.

Okay.

Yeah, yeah, that makes sense.

So, uh, Tina mention anything about this class we're in?

Nope, nope, I only know about it because you keep talking about it.

Huh, that's interesting.

What?

Oh, I just think maybe you should spend a little less train time and a little more Tina time, you know?

[sighs] Okay, listen. She does her thing.

I do my thing. It's just much easier that way.

Sure, sure, sure, but you know what?

Sometimes you gotta, like, meet them in the middle, you know?

Like, we got a DJ thing we're going to tonight.

Maybe you could come, hang with your wife?

Emma, what are you doing?

Nothing.

I'm just a friend, you know, looking out for another friend.

Oh, no! Oh, Postmaster Terry.

Oh, God. Oops.

Oh, God.

How's this going to affect you building my birdhouse?

I will build it. Get out. Get away from it.

All right.

[knocking]

[chuckles]

Hey, Rod.

You will not believe what I just saw at Shirley Lambert's house.

Oh, my God. Was she naked again?

Worse. She was painting her piano.

[laughter]

Who paints a piano?

Shirley Lambert, that's who.

I know.

She's so crazy.

Hey, Rod, do you think that our relationship is inappropriate or that we, like, spend too much time gossiping?

No way.

My gammy says, "Gossip is God's friendship-glue."

Yeah, that's what I thought.

Yeah.

Hey, though, what do you know about Buck Finch?

How much Diet Coke do you have?

[laughter]

[rock music]

Okay, and you know what else Rod told me?

What?

He's broken up 11 marriages in this county alone and four in the Philippines.

Ugh, that piece of sh*t.

Okay, well, you know what, Mark is too obsessed with his dumb train set to even care.

This is what we're gonna do.

All right.

We're gonna make a force field around Bird Bones so that he can't get at her.

Thanks.

Oh, no.

We're too late.

She's wearing that dress.

And we were right, body be...

both: Banging.

[Playing]

♪Well, you can rock it ♪

Excuse me.

Sorry.

Excuse me.

Hey, Tina?

Hi, you wanna come with me and get a drink?

Friend... oh.

I-I've had two drinks already.

Oh, then we need some water, don't we?

Oh, no...

Okay, oh, yup.

Hey.

Ugh.

I thought it got cold in here.

We know what you're up to, all right, and nobody's interested, okay?

Look, I'm single... and looking to jingle.

All right, well, Tina is a married woman, okay?

They always are.

What is that supposed to mean?

Grow up, kitty cat.

You think all these ladies want to build birdhouses?

Come on. Their needs aren't being met at home, and if I can provide a little sunshine in their life, well, so be it.

Well, just back off this one, okay?

I'm sorry. [laughs] I don't take requests.

All right. This next request is going out to Big Ruth, who decided to get that plastic surgery.

Good call, Ruth.

Can we get some water please?

Can I get another one of these Long Island Iced Teas please?

No, that's a "no" on that.

There's, like, no alcohol in here.

There's, like, six kinds of alcohol in here.

[laughs] Good one, Maggie.

Excuse me, excuse me. Hey.

Bad news, my straight talk with Buck had zero effect on him.

All right, it's Buck time!

♪Everybody clap your hands ♪

What's "Buck Time"?

Oh, God, no. He's hitting the dance floor?

♪Ah, looking good, looking good ♪

Oh, my God, he's driving these women wild.

♪Ah, you're looking good ♪

What is he doing?

♪Everybody, clap your hands ♪
♪Clap clap clap ♪
♪Ah, looking good, looking good ♪

Tina, honey, Tina.

Oh, no.

No, no, no, Tina, wait!

No, no.

Oh, God.

♪We're gonna do the twist ♪
♪ And it goes like this, come on, let's twist again ♪
♪Like we did last summer ♪

Oh, no, he's going low.

Why is he going low?

♪Yeah, let's twist again ♪

You gotta do something, Maggie.

What am I gonna... okay.

Good thing I packed my body rolls.

Okay.

♪♪

Hey, come on.

Maggie, get in there.

♪♪
♪Let's swim ♪

Ah!

♪♪

Oh, my God, Mark?

♪Do the swim ♪

Trouble, we got trouble.

Hey, what are you doing here?

You told me to come.

Emma: Oh, well, you know, it's just a bunch of stupid dancing, so if you wanna...

Mark: I leave my trains for all this stuff?

Ah! Oh, Mark? Wha...

Hey. Yeah.

[stammers]

♪Till you're by my side ♪

Oh, God. No, no, Tina.

No, no, no, no.

Emma: No, no, no!

Tina?

Mark. No, Mark, wait!

Mark, wait!

I don't wanna talk...

I do not wanna talk to you right now.

No, no, no, but I didn't kiss him.

He kissed me.

Why were you even dancing with him?

I don't know. I... He was j...

It was just nice to have someone pay attention to me for once.

What are you talking about?

All I ever do is pay attention to you.

Not anymore.

God, I feel horrible. Do you think they're okay?

It's Mark and Bird Bones. They're never okay.

[sighs] Oh, great.

There's Buck, lining up his next target.

I'd really love to show you my lumberyard.

Hey, back off, Buck.

Oh, what now?

She's married.

No, no, no, no, no.

No, no.

Listen to me, you go home to Lyle, and you tell him that you love him.

Oh, thank you, Maggie.

Whoa, hey. Call me.

[chuckles]

You guys are dong-wronging me here.

Oh, we're just getting started, Buck.

What are we doing, Teen?

It's... it's just so much work.

I mean, aren't you tired?

I'm exhausted.

But I just...

I didn't want to stop trying.

I didn't... I didn't either, but, uh...

But we have, you know?

We, uh...

We've stopped trying.

I know.

Teen, honey.

Hey.

[soft music]

It shouldn't have to be this hard.

[crying]

♪♪

[sighs]

What kind of man gets his rocks off from breaking up marriages?

You know, what your mother think about why you're doing these things?

Oh, I'd like to get a word with your mother and see what her...

I would, 'cause you know what?

[roars]

Enough! [sobbing]

All right, Buck, you don't have to cry.

Get it together, man.

Yes! No, I have to, all right?

I'm an empty barrel of a man, okay?

[sobbing] Who's also a DJ.

Maggie: We're done with you.

Yeah, you know what, why don't you go back to the Philippines, where your pectoral muscles mean something?

Yeah.

Hey.

Don't forget about these, huh?

Oh, God.

These bad girls need some love too.

[soft rock music]

♪♪

Let me take this one, okay?

Okay.

♪♪

I never really liked The Twist anyway, you know?

[sighs]

I think it's over.

What? What is?

My marriage, I think it's over.

Wow.

I just never thought I'd be divorced.

Happens to the best of us.

I absolutely have no idea what to do next.

If you happen to have a best friend that could just move in with you and, like, get you into all sorts of scrapes, that really helped me out.

You know, I might... I might have one you could borrow...

My ears are burning.

What are you doing?

I told you to wait over there.

I'm so sorry, but there was a homeless man over there who started up a conversation with me about peanut butter.

What did I miss?

They're getting divorced.

Really?

Yes, really.

How is he feeling?

He's feeling like sh*t.

Guys?

What?

I'm right... I'm right here.

Right.

I don't know if this helps, but I have a loose fitting pant you could borrow.

Yeah, that, uh, that shouldn't make me feel better, pulling on a lady's pant.

We could go for froyo.

That always makes me feel better.

That actually sounds pretty good.

Can we go to Fixin's and Mixin's?

Yeah, okay.

Maybe not Fixin's and Mixin's.

Just, those mix-ins are covered in germs.

[whispering] What are you doing?

He just said he wanted to go to Fixin's...

I know, but there's a "Shame on You" segment about it on Channel Four.

I don't care. That's what he wants.

Again, guys, guys, I can...

I mean, it was terrifying.

Hear everything you're saying.

I'm trying to help him.

Guys, I can hear everything you're saying.

Come on, Mark, we're going to Fixin's and Mixin's.

Yeah?

Okay. Yeah.

With or without Emma.

Hey, with Emma. I'm coming.

We're just getting the fixin's, though, not the mix-ins.

Emma, I might get some mix-ins, okay?

[knocks and chuckles]

Hey, Rod.

You are not going to believe what I just found out about Shirley Lambert's son.

I can't, no...

He did not get into Brandeis.

Please, don't tell me.

I can't hear it.

He has to go to his safety!

Clemson.

Stop it!

What's the matter?

I can't do this anymore.

Was it something I said?

No, no.

We've been gossiping too much.

When I'm with you, I can't help myself.

Oh.

I'm going to start ordering from OnTrac.

No.

No, I never meant to hurt you.

Well, it's too late, for you have surely broken this heart.

Oh, Rod.

Oh, don't turn back. Oh, God.

Maggie, just promise me this.

When October rolls around and the leaves start to fall and Shirley Lambert picks up the ugliest, driest ones and glues them on a wreath, promise you'll think of me?

You know I will.

[sighs]

You know how to rock a brown short, Rod Rockemoor!