02x03 - Falsely Accused; Sleep With Your Teacher; Little Person

[bunniefuu]

Life... it's literally all we have.

But is it any good?

I'm a reviewer, but I don't review food, books, or movies.

I review life itself.

[screams]

[triumphant music]

[parrot squawks]

♪

Over here.

♪

Welcome to Review.

I'm Forrest MacNeil, and I am completely dedicated to exploring the life experiences you want rated.

Here is the delightful A.J. Gibbs.

Hi, Forrest.

I don't suppose you have any reviews for me today.

Oh, I do.

Great. Okay.

Our first review is an email from ChoBeatsCho97.

Oh, to be falsely... accused.

Well, you know, as a man of a certain stature, I have a lot to lose, having charges thrown willy-nilly in my direction.

Who's that?

What?

Who's Willy Nilly?

Oh, that is not a person.

I guess I'm off to be the victim of injustice.

Then why are we talking about him?

Talking about who?

Willy Nilly.

Oh, we're not talking about Willy Nilly.

Forrest: In order to be falsely accused, I would need accusers.

I turned to my intern, Josh, and his girlfriend, Tina.

So this is the police blotter for the city of Burbank.

Now pick a crime on here, any crime at all, and then accuse me of it.

I don't want you to back down no matter what, no matter what the police say, certainly no matter what I say.

Just point the finger of blame at me, please, and keep it pointed.

Okay. Yeah, no problem.

Okay, good. See, look here.

Someone's been stealing avocados from this woman's tree.

Like, that's perfect.

What you doing? Oh, you're getting started.

You know what to do?

I think Tina's got it.

Forrest: But very quickly, I began to suspect I'd left this task to the wrong people.

Josh and Tina seemed to be putting off their accusation in favor of all other manner of business.

While on an outing to buy headphones from a store called craigslist, Tina ran out of gas.

You get this at the gas station, fill it up with gas.

Well, if I'm going to the gas station, I'm just gonna fill it up.

Sure.

Yes, you can hold on to that.

Have a good day.

I hope you weren't doing anything really important.

To be honest, I was not, but this is still an inconvenience.

Forrest: Josh, in an effort to make up for this frustrating time suck, offered to have my glasses fixed...

Like, this side is closer to my face than this side.

Forrest: An errand which I did appreciate, as they'd been crooked ever since I was sh*t in them.

Here you go.

Thank you very much.

I felt useless in the meantime, a feeling Tina tried to soothe by having me sign some responses to our fan mail.

I guess they'd get a big kick out of seeing my name signed on there, huh?

Forrest: I began to suspect my coconspirators had completely forgotten their assignment.

Great. And that's just your whole name.

All right.

Forrest: I couldn't have been more wrong.

The police are here for you.

[sighs] At last.

Are you Forrest MacNeil?

Yes, I am.

But, officers, I'm sorry to say you've got the wrong man.

I don't even like avocados. You see, they upset my stomach.

Great. You're under arrest for arson, attempted m*rder...

What? No, no, no.

And destruction of property.

What are you talking about? Whoa, whoa, whoa, hey.

You have the right to remain silent.

Oh, no, no. Hey, Dad, call my lawyer, okay?

Forr... Who's your lawyer?

Call a really good lawyer.

A realty lawyer?

If you cannot afford an attorney, one will be appointed for you.

Oh, Forrest.

Forrest: My lawyer, Daisy, rushed to the police station.

What took you so long?

I couldn't find my shoes.

Well, this is ridiculous.

I mean, they can't possibly have any kind of case against me.

Well, I normally would tell you not to worry, Forrest, but I think you should worry.

How could it be bad? There's no way for this to be bad.

Forrest: To my shock and horror, I had been charged with the incredibly serious crime of burning down a sorority house at the University of Southern California.

They found your fingerprints all over this container used to pour gas on the house.

Well, that ought to do it.

They found eyeglasses that match your prints and your prescription.

Here you go.

Thank you very much.

I appreciate it. Think about it for a second.

How would I have driven home from there without my glasses?

Well, you might have a backup pair.

I do have a backup pair.

Oh, my God.

And finally, a whole series of hand-signed hate letters.

"Put a jacket on, whores."

That's my signature.

"Life... it's literally all you have.

"And you're a bunch of stuck-up sluts.

Signed, Forrest MacNeil."

I guess they'd get a big kick out of seeing my name signed on there, huh?

Forrest: Apparently, Josh and Tina had not felt it adequate to simply point the finger at me for a minor crime.

This was supposed to be stolen avocados.

Forrest: Instead, they chose the fiery destruction of a house inhabited by college girls, and they constructed an impressively thorough trail of evidence linking me to it. [gavel bangs]

judge: Forrest MacNeil, you are charged with arson in the second degree, attempted m*rder.

Forrest: Their departure from the plan was, to say the least...

How do you plead?

Forrest: Startling.

Not guilty.

How could you do that?

People could've been k*lled in there, and then I would be blamed for it.

I don't know what you're talking about, Mr. MacNeil.

Yeah, I had friends in that house.

Dear, dear friends.

Guys, we need to drop the act for a minute, all right, because this is a very serious crime.

This is 10 to 15 years in jail.

In jail! Do you understand what that means?

We got to figure out a way to get me out of this, okay?

No. We're not gonna get you out of this, okay?

You deserve the punishment you get.

Yeah, you're evil.

Oh, oh, my God, I just felt it.

What are you talking about?

She's really sensitive to evil.

You know I'm not evil. Guys, guys, all right, all right.

Hey, forget about what I said before.

Oh.

You're doing such a good job.

[chuckles]

Forrest: As an indicted arsonist, I now felt accusing eyes on me wherever I went...

Hi.

Forrest: The world's suspicion landing on my shoulders with devastating weight.

Feeling alone and distrusted, I sought the support of my only lifelong ally, my father.

I did not do it.

I know.

Thank you.

I need that.

I believe you.

But let's just say that you did do it, you know?

What did you have against those girls?

[sighs]

Forrest: Even my dad thought me capable of sorority house arson.

My lawyer and I met to strategize my defense.

They have offered you a plea deal, and I think it's quite generous.

You would do eight years in jail, and then you would get out.

Eight years.

[sighs]

Forrest: Before turning myself in to serve eight years in prison for a crime I did not commit, not even a little bit, there was one thing I had not tried.

Please, please, please.

I am begging you. I didn't do it.

We should've had a safe word, you guys.

Something like pineapple, so I could say pineapple, guys, pineapple.

You have to tell them I'm innocent, please.

We can't tell them you're innocent because you're guilty.

You have to stop saying that, okay?

You know the truth. Please.

Mr. MacNeil, the truth is, you wanted to k*ll them, so you b*rned down their house.

Shut up, shut up, shut up! Stop saying that.

It isn't true! You're ruining my life.

Mr. MacNeil, you know what's ruining your life?

You're lying to everybody. Stop lying. Just confess.

You'll feel better if you confess.

[together] Confess, confess, confess!

Confess, confess, confess, confess!

[phone rings]

Forrest: Then, in my darkest hour, there shone a miraculous ray of light.

Shut up! It's my lawyer. It's my lawyer.

What? Oh, God, what? What?

Oh.

Oh, you're kidding me.

Oh, my God.

Oh, thank God. Okay, oh, yes.

Okay, bye.

The charges have been dropped.

Really?

They arrested somebody else for it, some woman named...

[together] Tracy Mahidi.

Forrest: As it turned out, Tina had a psychotic roommate who told her that she was going to set the Zeta Kappa house on fire.

Rather than warn the police, which is what you're supposed to do, Josh and Tina framed me for the crime.

Thankfully, the crazy roommate later confessed.

All the blood went out of you, and you were like, "Pineapple, pineapple, pineapple."

Have a really good night, okay?

I will see you.

Welcome home.

Forrest: I was relieved to have the charges dropped, but having been brought to the edge of serving significant time in prison and having seen my own father believe me capable of setting a house on fire and letting it burn, well, I felt my punishment had already been served.

Being falsely accused, one star.

Your next review comes from Stephen Shea, a high school sophomore in Muscatine, Iowa.

Hey, Forrest, I've got a big crush on my algebra teacher, Mrs. Greenfield.

And I keep wondering, what would it be like to have sex with your teacher?

[scoffs]

You know, Stephen's curiosity is very understandable.

He'd like to know what it's like to sleep with Mrs. Greenfield, and I'm going to find out.

Oh...

Forrest: Sleeping with Mrs. Greenfield presented daunting challenges.

I had never met her, and she was obviously married.

Oh. She's charming.

Forrest: But thanks to our modern collective disinterest in privacy, I was able to find basic information about my sex target rapidly.

Yeah.

It'll be a pleasure to have sex with her.

Forrest: For Stephen, Mrs. Greenfield's adolescent student, she represented forbidden fruit, an impossible conquest.

For me, a divorced adult, stalking a married woman halfway across the country, the situation was basically the same.

Mrs. Greenfield alerted the entire world by way of the social media web that she'd be meeting some girlfriends for '90s trivia night at this local bar.

Hey there, do you guys mind if I join your team?

I'm sorry. It's just kind of a girl power kind of night.

Can you scooch over just a little bit there?

It's just us ladies.

Mind giving a little bit of room there?

You know, you'd probably be more comfortable if you kept scooching over just elbow room-wise... good, okay.

Forrest: Although this predatory behavior felt wrong on many levels, I knew I had to continue, for the good of humanity.

I've been brushing up on the '90s.

I know all about, you know, Diff'rent Strokes and Webster.

I think that was the... that's the '80s.

Nancy Reagan's "Just say no" thing, reading up on that last night.

That's the '80s as well.

And the various people that got involved, you know, with that.

In the movie Office Space, what item did Peter pull from the rubble?

Yes.

Red scissors.

No. Anybody else?

Red stapler.

Yes, red stapler.

What's the difference? It's the same thing.

Um, one's staples, one's a scissor.

Can we get half credit for that?

No, you don't. No.

You got the...

She... Well, you got the color right.

You got the color right.

It's fine.

Forrest: I paid a lot of special attention to Mrs. Greenfield.

Yes. How did you know that?

I watched a ton of Soul Train.

That is amazing.

Forrest: And thanks to alcohol and flattery, I was making surprisingly good progress.

Wow, that's great, so you've got now just the two cats.

Yeah.

Okay.

Forrest: As the night wore on and her friends left the bar, sex with Mrs. Greenfield seemed more and more likely.

So what's your story, mystery man...

Hmm, oh, well...

With you in the middle of nowhere?

Oh, I live in Hollywood, California, actually.

Forrest: My knowledge that Mrs. Greenfield had minored in drama was a valuable asset.

Has anybody ever told you that you should actress?

You mean be a, like, be an actress?

Be an actress, yeah.

Well, I am one.

I do teach, but, like...

Okay.

I also actress.

Do you really?

I think I should switch to waters.

I'm gonna switch to water.

Oh, no, no, no.

No, you don't, sir.

I'm gonna buy you a pitcher.

What? A pitcher?

Yes. Here we go.

Forrest: As our evening progressed, I saw that Mrs. Greenfield was a dreamer being held back by a distant and uncaring spouse, and that moved me greatly.

Just pull it off.

Forrest: That night, I had truly glorious sex with Mrs. Greenfield.

Though I do not know what she's like in a classroom, in bed, she is a gifted teacher, revealing to me sexual positions that have broadened my horizons and expanded my mind.

It was amazing.

My review might have ended here but for a surprising development.

Sounds like a fun activity.

Mrs. Greenfield?

Oh, hi, Stephen.

Oh.

This is Stephen.

Yes. Hello.

I didn't mean it like that.

Oh.

Well, I don't know, uh, who you are or w-what you could ever mean by that or anything else.

Okay.

So yeah.

It was good to run into you.

We'll see you later.

Very good. Okay.

Hey, I meant your teacher, not my teacher.

I don't have a teacher.

I'm a grown-up, so I couldn't have done that, okay?

Yeah, screw you. And your show sucks.

Come on.

Do not engage with him.

What?

Mrs. Greenfield: He is off.

Forrest: No, he's just a nice young man.

Well, an awkward ending to a very enjoyable experience.

Stephen, I'm sorry.

It couldn't have been easy watching me make beautiful and athletic love to the woman of your dreams.

But let's agree, we were both at fault here.

Your question was confusingly worded.

And I am very happy to announce that Mrs. Greenfield has left her oppressive husband and her dismal life as your math teacher to join me here in California, where we are having lots more sex.

This has been a life-changing assignment.

And again, Stephen, I am sorry.

I give sleeping with your teacher five brightly shining stars.

Highly recommended.

Oh.

Yay, a new girlfriend for Forrest.

I really like her.

I think sometimes the best relationships start out in the grossest and most messed up ways.

Thank you.

Yeah.

[triumphant music]

May I have my next review, please?

This one comes from a William Nilly in Ellsworth, Pennsylvania.

Mm-hmm.

He writes...

Hmm.

Well, sounds like I'm going to have to help this gargantuan man by exploring what it's like to be a little person.

Oh, actually, Forrest, they prefer the term "little people."

They're not just one person.

Yes, well, my apologies.

Okay, here I go.

A.J.: Oh, the farther you go, the smaller you get.

So far so good.

Thank you.

Forrest: There is a genuine little person who works in my office building.

I took in every aspect of his stature.

Can I help you?

No.

Forrest: I've never considered what it would be like to live in a world where everything is designed for people much bigger than you.

But I was about to find out.

Hey, Mr. MacNeil.

Hi.

Your giant ruler arrived.

Oh. Well, no.

Now, Josh, that's a normal-sized ruler, one foot long.

But it's... it's so big.

No, it's normal-sized.

I'm small.

Oh.

Yes.

Forrest: From the beginning, I found it to be strangely disorienting.

Even everyday tasks became more difficult.

Oh, Ah! Ah!

Forrest: And the people in my life, even my loved ones, discriminated against me constantly.

Forrest, what are you doing?

I'm brushing my teeth.

Or am I too small for that?

No.

You're not small at all.

Forrest: Though I hated to admit it, my father was right.

I had not fully committed to this review.

I was not small at all.

Hey, Mr. MacNeil.

I got your normal-sized breakfast.

That is not a normal-sized breakfast.

That's a gigantic breakfast. Get rid of it, please.

And we're getting rid of all the other nonsense upstairs.

And come on off those stilts.

It's time to get serious.

Okay, sorry.

You might want to watch your head there.

Josh: It's kind of a bummer, 'cause, like, I just got used to these.

Forrest: Mm-hmm.

I'd found a VHS tape in my dad's video collection of a charming little man named Dorf on Golf.

He is played by the actor Tim Conway and bears an amusing resemblance to h*tler.

A new plan was born.

Passing through the world of the normals, I was subjected to constant discrimination and blatant rudeness.

[scoffs]

Hey, hey.

I'm crossing here.

[horn honks] Move it, jerk-off.

What's the matter?

Get out of the road.

It takes the time it takes to walk across the street.

[horn honks]

Forrest: Sadly, I found even those from my own community didn't accept me, so deep was their self-loathing.

Can I help you?

No.

Forrest: But perhaps the greatest adversity I faced was the overzealous desire of everybody to help me.

There you go.

What are you after, the remote? Here.

Yeah. No, I got it. No, I got it.

Dad. [Sighs] I had it.

Forrest: Despite their good intentions, the people in my life seemed to assume I was helpless to make it on my own in this normal-sized world.

Should I just...

I can do it myself.

Okay, sorry.

Forrest: Even Mrs. Greenfield, whose loving support had done so much to help me move on from my ex-wife, had no faith in my ability to do the most basic activities.

I'll just give you this one boost.

Would you give a normal-sized person a boost into bed?

Forrest: To really discover the experience of a little person, I would have to contend for myself.

All right, you two, get going.

All right, but I...

Gosh.

I'll see you in a couple of hours, okay?

I've sent my dad and Mrs. Greenfield out for a couple of hours so that I can prepare a surprise meal made by me, here in this regular-sized kitchen.

Now, Mrs. Greenfield has let it slip that her favorite vegetable is Brussels sprouts.

But has she ever had them with my signature paprika?

I don't think so.

I know I took out the paprika.

Oh, there it is.

All righty. Very good.

Oh, what is that?

Oh, [bleep].

Oh, wow. Oh, no. Oh, [bleep].

Okay, all right, all right, all right.

Here we go.

Oh, [bleep]. Oh.

Oh, no. Oh, my God.

Oh, [bleep].

Oh, [bleep]. Oh, [bleep].

Forrest: Under the usual circumstances of my life, I could easily have grabbed this fire extinguisher and put out the blaze that was rapidly engulfing the kitchen.

[bleep]. Oh, [bleep], [bleep].

Forrest: But now I was a little person, a simple truth that outweighed any other considerations, be it my personal safety or my father's house.

Oh, I got to get out of here! [fire alarm blaring]

I got to get out of here!

Oh, [bleep]. [Screaming]

I got to get out of here!

Oh, God. Oh, God.

Aw, [bleep].

Oh, God.

[grunting]

Oh, [bleep]. Oh.

Oh, God. Oh, God.

[crying]

Where is the g*dd*mn fire department?

[bleep].

In what must be a common experience for little people, a fire extinguisher was thoughtlessly placed at a regular person's height off the ground.

As a little person, that didn't do me any good at all.

No! No!

God.

Forrest.

No, no, no, no, no!

Oh, God.

What have you done?

Come on, move, move.

I am moving as fast as I can.

No, could you just stand up for a second?

Don't tell me to stand up!

Come on!

I am standing up.

The house is on fire!

That is the cruelest thing you can say to a little person.

Dad, why was the fire extinguisher so high off the ground?

Stand up! [Siren wails]

Everything is in there.

Being a little person gave me a tremendous sense of accomplishment as I contended with the world up here from down there.

But a tremendous sense of accomplishment does not put out fires, as my father so painfully found out.

Being a little person, 3 1/2 stars.

Well, that's all the time we have for Review tonight.

Please be sure and join us next time.

By the way, how are you coming on finding me a normal-sized bowl to go with my normal-sized spoon so that I can have a normal amount of soup?

So you mean, like... like, a really big bowl, right?

Just do your best, okay?