01x03 - Who's Your Daddy?

[bunniefuu]

Why, why, why, Mom?

Oh! Oh, my God, Nate!

God, it's laundry day.

Every Wednesday for my whole life.

Okay, I totally forgot. Back in a flash.

It's probably not a good choice of words.

If you're busy, you could have called me or texted me or put a sock on the door handle or anything.

Oh, stop. I wasn't busy.

Jimmy and I just had a romantic dinner last night and...

I don't need the details.

Okay. Well, he's gonna be dead till noon anyway.

Besides, I would never miss Wash and Dry Wednesday with you.

It's our thing.

[gasps] What happened to Andy Rooney?

I know. Jimmy got spaghetti on him when we were watching When Bears att*ck.

Aw. It's okay. We'll get him all clean.

You think?

Yeah.

So how was your workweek? What's going on at...

[retches]

[farts]

I'm sorry.

I don't think dinner agreed with me last night.

We made our own ricotta.

Either that or you made a baby.

[laughter]

♪ Hey! ♪
♪ Ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ♪
♪ Ah ah ah ah ♪

Nate: Can these things be wrong?

Of course they can.

Yeah?

Yeah.

This isn't error-proof. I mean, it is.

That's why it's called that, but this one is older than Justin Bieber, so it's gotta be a false positive.

I can't be pregnant.

You mean, like, physically you can't?

[gasps] I need more pregnancy tests!

Jimmy: Baby?

Oh!

Oh.

[exhales]

Okay. What?

Nate, this has to stay between me and you.

You cannot say anything to Jimmy.

What? Why?

Because I'd like to be sure when I tell my 26-year-old boyfriend he's about to be a father.

I don't want to freak him out over nothing.

You'd actually consider keeping this thing?

Hey, you've always wanted to be a big brother.

In here, baby! Jimmy!

Baby Jimmy, oh, God.

Stop it. Stop it, please.

Oh, God.

Nate, you have to swear that you won't say anything.

Swear.

Swear on Andy Rooney.

I can't hide something this big from Jimmy.

He can always tell when I'm hiding something big.

I have a very obvious tell. So give me the bear.

I will rip this bear's head off.

Fine, I swear on Andy Rooney. Give me the bear.

Give me the bear.

Hey, buddy!

Hey.

What are you doing here?

Oh, yeah, just...

Just, uh, laundry.

Jack Nicholson eyebrow?

No.

What aren't you telling me?

Nothing.

[gasps]

I have to go. Uh...

Give me the bear. Give me the bear.

Walk away. Walk away.

Uh, I'm gonna go.

What is he hiding from me?

I have no idea.

Okay, buddy, what's going on?

Friends don't keep friends in the dark.

Light the candle of truth.

Jimmy, there's no truth to tell.

Fine, if you won't light it, I will.

Oh, come on.

What, that stupid thing?

It's totally unnecessary.

Mm, it smells like honesty.

No, it smells like fresh linen.

Which you picked because it calms you.

So just wrap yourself up in the scent and let it set you free.

Jimmy, I have to go to work.

Hey, come on, I told you the truth about me and your mother.

No, you didn't. I walked in on you naked.

You lied to my face.

And now I know exactly how that feels.

No, I don't. Maybe you should get naked.

Are you kidding me?

No, I'm trying to help you to heal.

I don't want to heal. I don't want to get naked.

I just want to go to work with my open wounds.

But I can help you close them.

No, you can't.

I don't want to talk about this because there's nothing to talk about.

You know the headband totally moves with your eyebrows.

Mom, I can't do this. I can't lie to him.

No, you're not lying. You are lying in wait.

And it's only until tomorrow.

Tomorrow? Why tomorrow?

Because I'm seeing my OB-GYN, and then I'll ow if I should tell Jimmy or if I can go have a margarita and get back on birth control.

You're not on birth control?

No, I didn't think I needed it.

You know, your father and I tried for years to get pregnant after we had you.

You said I was perfect, so you only needed one.

Oh, God. Wait, what happened with the take-home tests?

Well, they were positive.

Or negative. Depending on your point of view.

How many did you take?

A few.

What?

Aah!

[squeals]

I told you not to come in here!

To my own home?

This isn't your home anymore.

Sure, it is, or that sign is a lie.

Besides, I come bearing gifts.

The only thing I want from you are signed copies of our divorce papers.

I hear your request, and being that it's not in my best interest to sign those papers, I'd like to offer you a counter.

These are my house keys as a gesture of goodwill.

This will always be my home, but I respect that it is your house now.

Lydia, I just want you to be happy, even if it means you sleeping with our son's best friend.

So you're bursting in here to tell me you're not gonna burst in here anymore?

I don't burst. I arrive with gusto.

Do you have any bologna?

Hey, boss man. Love the new look.

Totes emo. Question for ya.

Since I've been spending a lot of time on Atticus' farm, I've decided to write a country song.

Wondering, can I use your life?

It's totally Tennessee tragic.

I'm really not in the mood, Sam. Thank you.

Maybe you should look into some Transitions lenses.

My nana loves 'em.

Buddy. Okay.

I brought a growler of my Honesty Is the Best Pilsner.

You're going to drink this and tell me what's going on.

Nothing's going on!

Take off your grandmother's glasses and tell me that.

Give me those!

No can do, buddy.

Fine. I'll be in my office.

Oh, that's good.

I knew that was the ladies' room.

I just needed a... maxi pad.

For stuff.

Like maximum comfort and protection?

Right!

Something.

Hi.

Babe, I think Nate might...

[clicks tongue]

Oh, I can come back.

No, no, no. It's fine.

It's fine. Harrison just came by to give us his blessing.

And make himself a sandwich.

Actually, I did ask you to make it, but...

I told Nate that if Lydia and I took us seriously, eventually, you would too.

Well, that is exactly what has happened.

The positive effects of my vision board are a constant surprise.

Up next, a hamburger in a hot dog shape.

Oh, how do I invest in that?

I have a kickstarter.

You know what? I have something for you.

Ha!

Wow, you're giving me a key?

Yes.

I feel like I should give you something.

Here, you know what?

[mouths word]

I want you to have this.

What is it?

It's a thumb ring.

I got it from an indigenous man in Machu Picchu.

It symbolizes individuality and strength.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my gosh, that is so...

[gags]

Sweet.

I just got choked up. You know what?

I'm gonna run upstairs and get a chain to put this around my neck to wear it really close to my heart.

Be right back.

Okay.

Mr. M, I just want to say...

Okay, let's cut the crap, kid.

I don't bless any of this.

But I know better than to tell a woman what to do.

So instead, I'm just going to grin and bear it, like I do when I go to the ballet, because I know that, just like that, this will eventually end.

And when it does, I will be here with my charm and my money and the knowledge that I am the better man.

In fact, I'm the only man.

I resent that. I'm a man.

Men do not decorate their thumbs.

Actually, in the Maori tribes of New Zealand, thumb jewelry is worn by their warriors.

Actually, here in the tribes in this country of A-mu-rica, thumb jewelry is worn by ungrateful losers who suck on the teat of democracy.

So you have a good time keeping my wife warm for me.

Okay. Wow. [Laughs]

Babe, we have a problem.

Oh, don't worry, I can handle Harrison.

No, Nate. All right, he's hiding something big from me.

He won't look me in the eyes, and he said he'd rather walk around with open wounds than heal.

Oh. Oh my God, I don't know. I'm sure it's nothing.

I'm not so sure, all right?

Today, he got a maxi pad out of the ladies' room and said he needed it for stuff. What stuff?

What does a guy need a maxi pad for?

I mean, comfort and protection against what?

You know what? I'm... I'm sure it's nothing.

It's probably not even about Nate.

It could be about someone else.

What do you know?

I don't know anything.

So that's where he gets it from.

No, mother-son confidentiality.

I can't say anything.

Okay, fine. I will work it out myself.

So Nate is walking around with open wounds in his maxi pad region.

Oh, my gosh!

What?

Nate's got herpes.

[laughs]

Nate does not have herpes.

Uh...

Oh, my God, Nate totally has herpes.

Promise me you won't say anything.

I promise.

Morning, buddy. How'd you sleep?

I have nothing to say.

That's fine. We just want you to listen.

First we want you to know we're here for you.

No matter what pops up or breaks out.

Or spreads around.

What's going on?

Your mother told me the secret you've been carrying.

She promised me not to say anything, but I learned my lesson... No more secrets between us.

So you know?

Mm.

Oh, thank God!

[laughs] Are you okay?

I'm okay if you are. Are you okay?

I honestly don't know how I feel.

I mean, at first I was pretty irritated.

You know, it was kind of uncomfortable, but knowing that you know makes me feel so much better.

You know, I told my mom I couldn't hide it from you.

You and I share everything.

Oh, not this, buddy, all right, this only happens after two people have sex without protection.

Yeah, I know.

Which you're now legally required to wear.

We got you pamphlets.

And hydrocortisone cream.

Prognosis: Normal?

The Itch You Will Never Scratch?

Living with Herpes?

If it makes you feel any better, I've got a yeast infection.

I-I don't have herpes.

And I don't have a yeast infection.

My mom told you I had herpes?

Yeah, but the better question is, why didn't you tell me you had herpes?

Because I had no idea.

I'm really confused. Will you just tell me the truth?

You can't handle the truth!

What in the hell is wrong with your mother?

So many things.

She is hiding something.

All she said was she had a doctor's appointment, but she wouldn't say for what.

Yeah, she's fine, and so am I.

See, that's the right attitude.

All right, living with herpes is all about managing stress.

If this head's a mess, that one will be too.

Oh, God! You have herpes?

I don't have herpes!

Then why did your mom say you did?

So she didn't have to say she's pregnant!

Oh.

My country song is writing itself.

Let me clarify... Mom thinks that she might be pregnant.

But she's at the doctor right now, finding out for sure.

That's impossible.

Yeah, she can't be pregnant. I did the hokey-pokey.

I put my whole self in. I pulled my whole self out.

I can't believe my wife has sex with you.

How could you keep this from me?

Your maybe-baby with my mother was not my secret to tell.

How could she keep this from me?

Because she knows you can't handle it.

You're not man enough.

Would you stop saying that? I'm man enough.

And I'm gonna prove it.

How are you going to do that?

By raising this child as my own.

It is your own.

Which is why I'm gonna raise it as such.

Not unless I raise it first.

Dad, where are you going?

To get your mother back and steal this kid's baby.

Do you even know where her doctor is?

Of course I know where her doctor is.

I've been playing golf with Robert Richter since before you were born.

Perfect! I'll follow you.

No, wait...

Uh, hey! Aw.

You might want to let her know they're coming.

Women always like to know when men are coming.

[knock on door]

Lydia.

Hi.

A vision in paper. [Laughs]

How have you been?

Oh, pretty good, pretty good.

Just failed a couple of pregnancy tests.

Or passed them. Depends on your perspective.

[laughs] Which is?

Well, there's a part of me that's excited about the idea of a baby, Mm-hmm.

But the other part of me is really worried about a “geriatric” pregnancy.

I mean, do I really want to enroll my vag*na in AARP?

Lydia, you are not too old for this.

And there are some advantages.

You and Harrison won't have to hound Nate to give you a grandchild, and your vag*na will get fantastic deals on hotels.

[laughs]

Harrison and I are separated.

Oh, well, then, who's the lucky...

Oh, none of my business.

No, no, no, it's okay. It's okay.

I mean, there's... There's another guy, obviously.

It's just, we're not that far along to be this far along.

[laughter]

What am I... What am I saying?

I am not pregnant!

I'll be the judge of that.

[laughter]

[car lock chirps]

Hey.

No! [Grunts]

I'm sorry!

Congratulations.

Hi, I'm looking for Lydia Marlowe.

She's in with the doctor. And you are?

Her boyfriend.

Lucky her.

Hi, I'm looking for Lydia Marlowe.

And you are?

Her husband.

Well, I'm gonna have to talk to her before she leaves and get some tips.

What room is she in?

I can't tell you that.

But I want to be with her when she finds out if she's having my baby.

And if she wanted you in there, you'd be in there.

[chuckles]

I'm actually a friend of Dr. Richter.

Well, why didn't you say so?

Dr. Richter, of course, lets all of his friends sit in on his pelvic exams.

You can both have a seat.

Nate, what are you doing here?

Hi.

Stopping you both from making fools of yourselves.

You need to leave.

both: Not until I see Lydia!

Shh.

Dad, this has nothing to do with you.

And if you really want to win Mom back, forcing yourself into her gynecologist's office isn't the way.

'Ginacologist.

What?

I'm pretty sure it's pronounced 'ginacologist.

Short for vaginacologist.

Wow.

You know, son, maybe you're right.

I will just catch this fly ball on the way down.

Okay, Jimmy, as much as this has to do with you, it's not about you right now.

Now, I understand my mom may have handled this very poorly, but I'm sure she has her reasons.

I mean, I don't know what they are, but...

[clicks tongue]

Hey, wait!

You can't go in there!

Oh, no, no.

[gasps]

Oh!

Oh, wow.

Oh, my 'gina!

What are you doing here?

I'm scarring myself for life.

Cover your eyes! Have some respect for my wife!

Cover your eyes. Have some respect for my girlfriend.

You both need to leave.

You know what? We're done here.

Lydia, why don't you get dressed, while I escort these two into the waiting room where they can thank me for not calling the police?

You're kinda sweaty, Bob. You okay?

You look like you've never seen one of those things before.

[door closes] [sighs]

[cell phone rings]

What is it, Sam? Everything okay?

Yeah, no, I just wanted an update.

How's things going at the gyno?

Well, my father and my best friend are fighting over who gets to raise my bastard half brother, and I just saw my mom's labia, so it's going great.

Well, if it makes you feel any better, my country song is getting better by the minute.

Check this out.

♪ Your buddy did the hokey-pokey with your mother... ♪

I'm hanging up.

♪ But... ♪

Nate, I specifically asked you not...

What, to tell my best friend something that he had every right to know?

I tried. I got a little thrown off when he told me that I had... herpes.

That was so stupid. It was such a careless decision...

You seem to be making a lot of those lately.

And I don't understand. You said this time in your life was about putting yourself first.

A baby's not gonna let you do that.

How could you be so irresponsible?

I mean, how hard is it to put on a condom?

Well, I wasn't really thinking...

No, you weren't thinking, and that's the problem.

And that's why I'm so disappointed and...

Oh, my God, you gave me this exact speech when I was 18.

I'm really glad that you listened.

And I'm hearing you too.

It's just, I have always wanted to have another baby.

And now, decades later, I might have a sh*t.

It's just I'm scared that I might lose Jimmy.

And you.

You won't lose me.

Look, I'm... I'm sorry too.

I got caught up in my own stuff.

But I'm... I'm just learning how to be okay with you putting me in second place.

I'm... I'm not sure I'm ready to be bumped to third.

Oh, honey, you will always be first place to me.

One forgotten Wash and Dry Wednesday and one oops baby isn't gonna change that.

Because what are you?

I'm not gonna say it.

What are you?

Your special boy.

Yes. Yes! You are my special boy.

And you always will be. Nothing will ever change that.

So what do you say?

Want to go see if I'm having your best friend's love child?

[groans]

Sure, why not?

[laughs]

Lydia, you cannot raise a child with this child!

You were both younger than me when you had Nate.

Yeah, but I had a job and at lst one pair of closed-toed shoes.

Seriously, why are you wearing flip-flops all the time?

It rains in this city 24 hours a day!

Maybe you're right, Mr. M.

All right, maybe I don't know how to raise a child, and maybe I do show a little more toe knuckle than you think is classy, but I do know what a real man would do in this moment.

Lydia...

[gasps]

Whoa, what are you doing?

The right thing, buddy.

Just press pause.

Jimmy, I don't want a shotgun wedding.

You know why, Jimmy? Because she's already married.

But a shotgun divorce would be lovely.

I don't need either to raise this baby.

I can do it on my own.

No, you can't. I won't... I won't let you.

Harrison, I know this might be hard for you to understand, but this isn't about you.

Well, as long as you stay on my insurance, well, I retain the right to weigh in.

Jimmy, I'm sorry.

I should have said something to you, but you're 26, and you have your whole life ahead of you.

And I didn't want you to sacrifice that for something I might want.

But I should have trusted you could handle it.

I can handle it, as long as we're in this together.

Oh, my God, will somebody please throw me out of a window?

You're on the first floor.

Yeah, I know. I don't want to die.

I just want to get out of this room.

You know, Harrison, you are welcome to leave anytime.

Oh, thanks so much for the permission slip.

Wow, this is nice. I'm not used to playing to a full house.

[laughs]

Well, let's get down to brass tacks, shall we?

I wonder where that saying originated.

I've never seen a brass tack.

It's like that saying “let's k*ll two birds with one stone.”

Let's not. Why are we murdering birds?

Robert, can you just get to the point? What are the results?

Yes, of course.

Well, according to your blood work, beyond a shadow of a doubt, you are...

[all gasp]

♪ Your buddy did the hokey-pokey ♪
♪ With your mother ♪
♪ But his welcome little Jimmy overstayed ♪
♪ Now your mama's full of your half brother ♪
♪ Which makes your buddy your stepdad in a way ♪

Oh, now I kinda wish you were pregnant.

Well, here's to false positives.

I'm sorry my homemade ricotta made you sick.

Oh, gosh, who knew that nausea medication messed with your hormone levels?

I didn't. I should have checked the label.

Well, look at the bright side.

At least we all got to be with Robert for his final moments.

To Robert Richter. He was a good gyno.