01x01 - Move in Day

[bunniefuu]

Hutcherson Dorm is on fire!

Please, send every fireman that you've got.

I need hoses and ladders and Dalmatians.

Oh, when did you stop using Dalmatians?

(ALARM BLARING)

(CRIES OUT)

Fire! This is not a drill. Come on, Come on!

Oh, God. Oh... Please get your penis off my nose!

Ahh! There's no time. Ahh! Ahh.

Shh!

Hey, it's okay. It's okay.

Can you please take your hand off my ass?

You got it.

God! Look at it.

Hutcherson Dormitory.

Congratulations, Dean Berber.

Hmm.

It's my new baby.

Which makes you, as resident director, the mother of my baby.

Didn't you just have an actual baby?

Oh, he's useless. You can already tell.

Dean: So, how are you feeling about your team...

Nathan!

... of resident advisors?

Olivia: My RAs?

Mmm-hmm.

Sorry, sorry...

I feel very confident.

That guy...

Whoa!

Doug Weiner.

Get rid of him.

I don't want some 30-year-old goof ball as the face of Hutcherson.

Really? I feel like f*ring someone on move-in day would send a message of...

Authority?

Leadership?

That you're worthy of my numerous corporate connections in Silicon Valley?

Olivia: I am very worthy of your corporate connections and I will do anything to get myself into that valley.

I knew I could count on you.

Hey, what's up guys? I'm Sam, I'm your RA.

Welcome to Hutcherson.

Want you to have fun, but we also want you to be safe with fire safety being priority number one.

That means no candles, no incense, no smoking...

No crock-pots, no hot plates and absolutely no lighters.

(SNEEZES AND FARTS SIMULTANEOUSLY)

You should know I can't sneeze without farting.

But I can fart without sneezing.

I'm Amy.

If you have alcohol, I will take it and I will drink it.

If you have dr*gs, I will take them and I will take them.

That is my right as an RA.

Excuse me?

Oh! Hey, Olivia. I was just joking around with the residents.

(WHISPERS) No, I'm not.

Tyler, I really hope I can count on you to help guide these students and create a positive living environment.

When do you figure we're gonna start sleeping with each other?

I'm just kidding.

(WHISPERS) No, I'm not.

What's that?

Hmm?

Listen, Tyler, if I ever decide to sleep with a 19-year-old in mesh shorts and enough body spray to supply an eighth-grade dance, I'll let you know.

Okay, you know where to find me.

She wants the D.

(WHISPERS) Okay.

Douglas Weiner.

Pursuing his fifth master's degree.

(DOOR OPENS)

Olivia, hey, I'm so glad you called me in here.

There is this sprinkler valve in the hallway that's, like, crazy hazardous.

I already hit my head on it.

That's not why I called you in.

Oh.

I've looked over your file, Mr. Weiner.

It seems you've been an RA for quite some time.

11 years.

Wow!

Yeah.

What wisdom and experience you must have collected.

Yeah.

But then again, there are those who may question whether or not it's appropriate for someone in their 30s to be living with students in their late teens.

Well, if I worried about what was appropriate, I wouldn't be a very good RA, would I?

The biggest incident this college has ever seen happened on your watch last year.

Let's take him out this way, so the other students don't see.

(ELEVATOR BELL DINGS) Oh...

(ALL GASP)

(SCREAMS)

(BLEEP)

That guy could have autoerotic asphyxiated on anybody's watch, really.

Advising students is my life.

I mean, watching them grow into young adults, facing new challenges...

I mean, HPV did not even exist when I started.

Now, it's everywhere. (SCOFFS)

I've been tasked with overseeing things here at Hutcherson and Dean Berber's very invested in making this the flagship dormitory for our school.

We're so lucky.

And the thing is...

I just don't know where you'd fit in.

I know these kids.

I know what they need during this very exciting and confusing time in their lives.

I'm your biggest asset.

Here, take my sack, as a sign of good faith.

(MUG CLINKS)

I'm sorry to say this, but I'm gonna have to let you go.

Well, I'm sorry to have to say this, but you can't fire me without a recent incident report.

Weiner's done his homework.

Well, then here's looking forward to your first incident.

(SCOFFS)

Taking my sack back.

Hey, can I get an iced tea and two sh*ts of grenadine, please.

Hey, babe.

Oh...

I'm on my period so we can't, you know, tonight.

Okay, um, Marissa, we broke up eight years ago, okay?

I think you need to move on.

Yeah, duh, right, I get it.

And we'll move on, together.

And as soon as you graduate, we're going to go on a trip around Europe, just like we talked about.

And then we'll rent a hacienda on the Mayan Riviera...

No! No, no, no. You know what? Not today. Not on move-in day, okay?

I've got an RD that is hell-bent on f*ring me. I can't.

So we'll talk about it later.

Okay... No! No. We don't talk about stuff.

Okay, we're not together.

I'm sorry what was that?

Did you say you want to move in together?

Oh, my God! I gotta call my mom.

Oh, and babe, on second thought, it's not even a heavy month, so we can just put a towel down.

(GROWLS)

Sorry, nerdy dude. No frogs allowed.

(CROAKING)

The only pets allowed in dorms are doggies.

Actually, there are no pets of any kind allowed in the dorms.

Especially doggies.

(CHUCKLES) Yeah, right.

Wait, are you serious?

Got it. Would you excuse me for a moment?

Boo?

Boo... Boo...

Oh! Good boy.

Bad news.

(WHIMPERING)

(WHISTLING)

Hey, guys. Everybody settling in okay?

Uh, yeah, small issue.

Rachel here's been assigned a room with Leslie.

Classic move-in day.

Let's just find Leslie and figure out the problem.

Hmm...

Uh, I'm Leslie.

Well, we found the problem.

Oh, boy.

Doug: We have one resident in a single.

Depending on if it's a girl or a guy, we get them to do a clean swap.

Piece of cake. Easy as pie. Simple as sorbet.

Bogey on your nine.

Yup.

Hi, there.

Hey.

Um...

Would you be interested in getting a potential roommate?

Oh, absolutely. I was so bummed that I got a single, but I would love to live with someone just like me.

I'll get my stuff.

Okay. Okay.

On the count of three, why don't we both say what we think Morgan is?

One, two, three.

Lady. (BLEEP) Okay.

Man.

A sausage for your journey.

Goodbye, sweet prince.

(SNEEZES AND FARTS SIMULTANEOUSLY)

Don't you get it?

It's not safe for you in Hutcherson.

Go! Live life.

(SNEEZES AND FARTS SIMULTANEOUSLY)

Rachel: I can't live with a boy.

Now, Rachel, I don't see why this is such a bad thing, you know?

You and I, we can hang out, we can share secrets, you know, explore each other's bodies.

I just want to live in a normal college room with a normal female roommate where...

I don't know, we watch The Notebook and talk about what bathing suits are right for our body types.

Are you kidding me? I want that too.

I'm swim trunks and for you...

I'd go tankini.

What's a tankini?

What's a tankini?

What kind of person doesn't know what a tankini is?

(SCOFFS) I'm kidding.

I'm kidding. I know what a tankini is, okay.

It's, um, it's a t*nk top bikini.

Okay, you're right, but I feel like you were guessing.

Look at me. Are you a weirdo?

(SCOFFS) What? No, no. I am a regular girl.

I like cute boys, I shop at the mall, I raise chickens, I...

Ha!

You're totally a weirdo. Whoa.

Wait are you, like, just a home-school weirdo or straight up Flowers in the Attic weirdo?

I don't know what that is.

That's it. Looking good.

Tyler, what the hell are you doing?

Just spotting Sarah here.

It's Heidi.

Focus on your work, Holly.

Tyler, can you, um...

Stop spotting Holly? Sure, if you insist.

It's not very safe, but, hey, you're the boss.

I haven't received your fire plan yet.

Um, I'm not planning a fire, but if it happens, it happens.

No. I meant, each RA has to submit a detailed list of the protocol that they would follow in case there was a fire and you haven't...

(SCREAMS)

Oh, my God! (GROANS)

My vag*na's broken.

You distracted me. I could have prevented that.

Heidi: Ow, ow.

Okay, just ask Morgan if Morgan needs to pee, and see what door Morgan goes into.

Okay, okay, okay.

Hey, Morgs, hey. Do you need to use the bathroom?

Maybe like a number one, where you'd be sitting or standing?

Great idea.

(WHISPERING)

Ugh!

Okay, you know what?

What?

I'm gonna go in there and try to sneak a peak at his or her soft parts.

Okay? You keep the coast clear.

What, no! That's a terrible idea.

You want to mess around here all day?

Argh! All right, coast is clear. Hurry up.

Okay, okay.

You have to look at it.

No, I think it's a better idea if we just take it...

(BOTH EXCLAIM)

Is it bad?

Um... It's just a vaginal contusion.

What? I've seen a contused vag or two.

(GROANS)

I'm gonna get you some ice.

Yeah, I'm gonna, I'm gonna get you lots of ice.

Ow.

Ow.

I don't think I've ever said this, but you should pull your pants up.

What the hell! Why are you spying on me in the bathroom?

Well, excuse me for being curious. Man...

So what...

Hey!

Doug, what the hell is going on?

I have a perfectly reasonable explanation for this.

Were you spying on a student going to the bathroom, yes or no?

Yes, but only to see the genitalia.

Welcome to your first and final incident report. You're done.

Wait. Olivia?

Hey! What? Olivia...

Sam!

She snuck up on me.

Damn it.

My last sloppy joe.

You were worth every minute on the toilet.

Oh, my God! Did you quit your job?

Oh, this is really happening.

Okay. I'll go get our passports.

I took yours from your locked dorm room because I needed to get the appropriate visas.

(SQUEALING) This is gonna be amazing!

What? No, I didn't quit. I got fired.

What?

Yeah.

But you're the best RA at the school.

What happened?

No matter what you tell me, it won't change how I feel about you.

Okay, um, I was spying on a kid in the bathroom.

What?

They fired you for that?

What is wrong with these people!

It's not even that I got fired.

I couldn't figure out the rooming situation.

They put these two students together that just couldn't live together.

And now I'm leaving them high and dry.

Doug, you're the master of roommate situations.

Remember that student you had who drank all the time and his weirdo roommate who wouldn't even drink soda?

You got them to be friends, and now they're both alcoholics.

Hey, this is not like Chet and Pepper, okay?

These two should've never been together.

It was a mistake from the get-go. It was.

Well, that's what you always say about us.

But I know you're kidding.

Why can't they just stay together?

I mean, sometimes it's worth staying together even when things are hard.

No, they...

They can't stay together 'cause...

Wait a minute.

What if they just stay together? That is it!

Did I just help you?

Yes!

Oh, my God! Let's kiss.

No, no. Thank you. Thank you so much.

Oh, my God!

Oh, and, um, Marissa...

I'm going to need my passport back.

Never gonna happen.

Whoa!

Do you see a dog right now?

Yeah. (GASPS)

Do you?

Yeah.

Is that...

Is that a sausage on its back?

Yeah.

Oh.

Do you want to eat it?

Yeah.

(BOTH LAUGH)

Wait, the sausage or the dog?

Oh, we'll wait for the next one.

(GIGGLING)

I feel incredible.

Wow. Someone's feeling a lot better.

I gave her a mild pain reliever.

I'm like 90% sure this is ibuprofen.

Okay. Uh-huh, okay, that's enough.

You can't give a resident dr*gs!

But I took the dr*gs from the residents to begin with.

It's kind of beautiful when you think about it. Circle of life.

Just with dr*gs.

(CELL PHONE RINGING)

Hello. Oh, hi, Dean Berber.

No. Give me that.

Yes! Yes, everything is going great.

Hey, no.

Uh-huh.

You and Mr. Hutcherson are gonna come tour the dorms, now?

Give it back.

Oh! Okay...

You know, you know, now is not such a great time.

Okay, then I'll see you in five minutes.

Get her off me! She's got super strength. I can't breathe.

She's got super strength!

Okay.

I love dr*gs.

That's enough.

I love dr*gs.

Just take... Hey! Thank you for giving them to me.

Hey! No vining.

Freedom of speech.

No.

Okay, Tyler will you please get her to your room.

You can't film this.

Yes, I can.

Give me that.

No. No!

Olivia: Wait. No. Come back here. Come back.

Ooh!

(CHUCKLING)

Damn it! Who pooped in the hallway? Huh?

What is happening in this place?

No. Tyler will you... Please stop her.

Hey you! No filming. You can't film this. Come back.

(GROANS)

Rach, Les, hey. I was looking up your guys' roommate card and, um, I found something curious.

Uh, listen, you both are non-smoking, clean, and academically-minded, right?

When asked about how much you plan on partying, you checked the box marked "heavy partying."

For preferred wakeup time, you both put "party o'clock."

And even though there wasn't a box for it, you each created a box and wrote, "live to party."

Um, just a question, have either of you ever been to a party?

I have.

(SCOFFS) Look at me.

Yeah, exactly.

Doug: You know what I see?

I see two nervous freshmen trying to figure out who they're gonna be in college.

Um, Leslie, it says you have two dads and you're an only child?

Mmm-hmm.

Right, yeah.

Uh, Rach, you have how many siblings?

Doesn't matter.

Humor me.

Uh, 18?

Whoa. Is your mother a factory?

I grew up on a polygamist compound, okay?

I don't want to talk about it.

Well, good, 'cause I could not care less about your boring poly-family.

I actually have zero interest in hearing about it.

"Boring"?

Are you serious? I'm curious as hell about it.

You seriously don't care?

You're not interested in my weird family?

So your dad has a few wives, big deal.

I have two gay dads, dude.

I've pretty much been attending tolerance lectures since both my dads came in a bowl, mixed the semen around so no one would know who the real father was.

The last thing I want to have is another talk about unconventional families.

All that I've ever wanted at college was to be normal and not talk about my upbringing.

See, Rachel? Leslie is the perfect roommate for you.

Now, I don't want to put words in his mouth, but I bet if you were willing to help Leslie meet girls this year, he'd be willing to stop hitting on you in return.

Hmm, absolutely not. I mean...

You sleep with Rachel, you sleep with one woman the entire year.

You make Rachel your wing woman, you have the potential to tap every ass in this building.

Think about it.

Think...

Rachel, you and I can party so hard together...

(SIGHS)

Sure.

Yes!

Cool.

Doug, one problem...

Uh, the handbook says a boy and a girl can't share a room.

Well, Sam, that's not the only thing the handbook says.

I like this. What are we lookin' at?

Hard A, soft B?

Oh, my God. What happened?

You hit your head pretty hard, so I took you to your room.

Give me that.

Can I get you anything? Aspirin, water, shower, wash you in the shower?

No.

(CELL PHONE RINGING)

Where's my phone?

Dean Berber.

Oh... (BLEEP)

(SIGHS)

Leslie.

Mmm-hmm.

This is a girl's room. You got a girl name.

You want to stay, you gotta man up.

Mmm-hmm.

I'm not sure I follow.

You gotta say you identify as a woman.

Yeah.

Excuse me?

Boys and girls can't room together but, according to the Thoreau handbook, no student may be discriminated against based on personally chosen gender.

(RACHEL CHUCKLES) This is great.

Look, Leslie, just say you're a woman, everybody goes home happy.

You got this.

No, Leslie Flowers ain't no lady.

Ladies shower in the ladies' shower.

That's Miss Leslie Flowers to you.

Bam!

Excuse me, have you seen Olivia Blunt?

I have not.

Dean Berber? Dean Berber. I'm so sorry.

What's happening here?

Are a boy and a girl sharing a room in my new dorm?

No. No, that is not what's happening.

I was just about to fill out a...

Dean Berber, allow me to introduce to you two very special new freshmen.

Ms. Leslie Flowers and her roommate, Rachel Cunningham.

Doug, what are you doing?

I'm sorry, it sounded like you said "Ms."

I did.

See, we here at Thoreau recognize that gender is not binary.

That how a person identifies personally may be different than how they identify biologically.

Well, I got to say, man, what you're doin' here, I'm lovin' it.

Thanks, man.

You got a pretty cool nephew.

No, I'm not her nephew.

I'm Beep. Beep Hutcherson.

Whoa! Like...

"Hutcherson," like the building Hutcherson?

Yup. Yeah.

No, I paid for this place with the money that I made from my game, so...

You guys play Monkey Snatch?

Love it.

Oh, Monkey Snatch is like the best...

(ALL SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY)

(IMITATES MONKEY)

It's my favorite.

Super addictive.

Yeah, thanks.

Look, I have a sister Danny who used to be my brother Danny.

But, it's really cool that you guys are so progressive about that... (BLEEP)

All: Yeah.

Again, this all looks really nice.

I hope when I get to college next year I have an RA who's as cool as...

Sorry, what was your name?

Weiner, Douglas Weiner.

Doug is one of my top RAs.

Great job, Olivia.

Monkey Snatch, are you kidding me?

That guy?

Got it.

If you gave me a nine-inch sausage, how long could I last?

Amy, you and I are gonna have a lot of fun this year.

So what are we doing later, like, after party? After-after party?

Uh, this'll be the last time we party together.

Ah, got it.

Yeah.

We'll keep it on the DL.

Okay.

Okay, so you have 18 brothers and sisters?

I thought it was hard, me being the youngest out of eight.

Okay, so you know what it's like to have to wait two hours to take a shower.

And to have to sit on the floor because there's no room on the sofa?

Yeah, or to share a bed with nine other people until your moms decide that you've hit puberty.

Wait, what?

What? Nothing.

So, I got rid of that sprinkler valve that was posing a hazard to...

Well, just you, really.

Thank you.

And thank you for sorting out the roommate situation.

I guess you are pretty good with the residents.

Ah, wait a minute.

It sounded like you just complimented me on my job back there.

I mean, Beep Hutcherson is quite taken with you, which means that Dean Berber is quite taken with you, which means that...

You are quite taken with me. I get it.

Which means that we are stuck together.

Hmm.

For now.

That is beautiful.

(GRUNTS)

This isn't a hug moment.

Every moment is a hug moment.

Come here, come on, all right.

That's okay. That's okay.

Come on.

No.

Sorry. Touched your boob.