01x04 - Motivational Speaker

[bunniefuu]

(ALARM BLARING)

Oh, oh, my God.

Oh, my God, she's dead, she's dead!

No, no, I'm fine.

I'm going to scare Olivia.

No, there's a fire.

Go, go! Save yourself!

But you also have to leave.

Don't argue with me.

Get out of here. I've lived long enough already.

Why are you talking like... You're not trapped or anything.

You can just get up and go!

Sweet Mike, I'll miss you the most.

What is wrong with you?

(WAILING) Mike...

(SOBBING)

Hey, is this my floor or your floor?

I can never tell. All these hallways, they all look the same.

It's mine. Look, I got all my residents to go to our motivational speaker thing. How many have you got going?

Zero, but with your 40, it's like we've both got 20.

What? No, Tyler!

That's not what it's like at all!

Okay? I got the speaker, I booked the room, I made the Facebook event.

You haven't done a single thing.

All I'm asking is you get some of your residents to go to our event.

And all I'm asking is that you stop with this complaining.

And you keep doing all the work.

Why'd you even become and RA if you don't want to help anybody or do any work, man?

It's not like you need the free room and board.

No, I don't.

But I do like the access to all the confiscated dr*gs and the names of all the incoming freshman girls.

Tyler, can you go one conversation without being a d*ck?

Why do you care?

None of this matters.

None of this matter to you.

Exactly.

Hey, you guys.

I'm so excited.

Thanks for booking the motivational speaker.

It was my pleasure, Olivia.

What?

Oh!

I invited Dean Berber to come. She should be here soon.

Where's Doug?

Oh!

Olivia, I'm sorry I am late.

Hey, Amy! How's it going, Tyler?

What it do, Sam?

I'm sorry, who are you?

And how do you know our names?

I'm Doug, Doug Weiner.

Oh, I thought you looked familiar. Hey, Doug.

Hey, girl!

Amy, this isn't Doug!

Uh, okay, what's going on here?

Where's the real Doug?

Oh, I see. Doug didn't tell you all.

He hired me to take his place today while he has jury duty.

So let's get down to it.

I got eight easy steps to being Doug Weiner.

We're gonna make it happen.

"Now, first of all, just 'cause I'm not here, doesn't mean I'm not here.

Point to your heart."

Oh, sorry about that.

Not here.

Wait, you can just hire people to take your place at this job?

Why haven't I been doing that?

You have.

Wait, Doug just gets to do jury duty?

Jealous.

Okay, this is ridiculous, this is not...

I'll be right back.

I know she ain't sayin' I'm ridiculous.

(TAPPING PHONE KEYS)

This is Doug.

Really? Because there's another guy here who also claims to be Doug.

Oh, he's there? Great, I hired him on Task Rabbit.

He's gonna be taking care of my responsibilities for the day.

Doug, you can't just hire someone to take your spot like this.

(SCOFFS)

He's not just anyone, he has like 60 five-star reviews.

And now he knows all eight easy steps to being Doug Weiner.

You know, I really wish you'd consulted me...

(TEXT ALERT BEEPING)

Oh, sorry, getting a text.

Ah, got a problem on my floor.

Got to put Doug on it. Talk to you later.

(TEXT ALERT BEEPING)

Oh!

Getting a text.

Got a problem on my floor. I'm on it. Talk to you later.

Dean Berber, I'm so glad you and your children could make this.

Yeah, um, who's this lady again?

I'm not sure. Our RAs set it up, but she's supposed to be very inspirational.

Great, um... Ooh. I got to take this.

Watch my kids.

Here.

Hey, guys.

What are your names?

Let's not do this.

Okay.

Hey, Leslie, you okay in there?

Uh...

Who are you?

I'm Doug.

What? No, you're not.

Yeah, I am.

Okay, well, I have a problem here.

Uh, this won't go away.

Oh!

Ugh.

Did you try...

(SPITTING)

Yes.

And it didn't...

(SOFTLY) No.

All right. Well, let's take a look at the book.

Okay. Well, it says in here, "There is no problem too big or too small for Doug Weiner."

Okay.

And I guess your problem falls within those parameters, so let's get you to a doctor.

Okay, I'm gonna take you right down here.

All right.

We're gonna hang this little guy right on there.

Oh, uh, careful.

Oh, yeah.

Sore, yeah?

Tender, tender, oh. Okay.

Walk it on out.

Okay.

Walk it out.

Oh, thank you, no, that's perfect, yeah.

Just some water is great.

Tyler Stone.

Nice to meet you.

I'm Rachel.

You know, we've met.

Oh.

Like, numerous times.

Well, every time feels like a first time.

Um, anyways, Rachel, the speaker we have today, excellent.

So, what are you up to now, Rachel?

Now? Um...

Mmm-hmm.

Well, I'm at this now.

That's hilarious.

Hey, you wanna get out of here?

I'd kind of like you to get out of here, Tyler.

(WHISPERING) Sam.

(WHISPERING) Come on, let's go.

Thanks for coming, everyone.

Yeah, you forced us to be here!

No, it's not true.

I didn't.

Thank you very much...

Sit down, you know you have to be here.

Okay?

Anyways, guys, uh, we're very lucky to have Ms. Michaela Roberts.

Uh, you may have seen her blog.

Lifeitup.MichaelaRoberts.tumblr.com.com.

Or, you may have seen her self-published e-book, Helping You Help You.

You.

Great. Anyways, guys, here she is, Michaela Roberts!

Class of 2017, whoo!

(CHEERING)

Oh, wow, ooh, ooh, what a warm welcome.

Oh, my goodness.

Um, I am so happy to be here with you guys today.

Uh, I promise I'm gonna keep it short, sweet and not too boring though, okay?

Uh, let's have a little bit of fun, huh?

Quick show of hands, who here has ever (BLEEP) for heroin?

Come on, guys.

Really?

Good morning, how are we doing today?

Well, hello.

Hey, Doc, how you doing? I'm Doug Weiner, I'm Leslie's resident advisor.

Oh, it says so much that you accompanied your resident here today.

So, Mr. Leslie.

Quite a blue veiner you got there. What's going on?

Uh, well...

You know how Big Pharma's a joke, right?

Ugh, disaster. Go on.

So, Bolivia, they sell this all-natural vitamin supplement that's supposed to double your girth within two weeks.

Wow, that's quite some growth.

Yeah, and I figured, you know, take double the dose and quadruple the girth.

Stands to reason.

Yeah, cut to...

I've got this three-hour boner that feels like one of those squeezy toys where the eyes pop out.

Oh, sure, my dog loves those.

All right. Well, just lay back, sport, we'll take a little peek at your penis.

Oh, uh...

Yeah, let's take a peek.

Yeah.

It's not weird.

(SCREAMS)

Oh!

Just playing. I've seen way worse.

And bigger.

Oh. Oh.

I think it's a good penis.

Doug Weiner's first priority is students' self-esteem.

Well, it's quite girthy, that's for sure, so mission accomplished.

The bad news is, it's very dangerous to have an erection for more than four hours.

So we're gonna have to perform a therapeutic aspiration.

Uh, a therapeutic aspiration, what...

Yeah, it's nothing.

I'm just gonna take this really large needle and inject it into your penis, I'm gonna have to draw out all the blood.

Then I take the same large needle and inject saline solution back into your penis multiple times over an hour, flush out the remaining blood.

Doesn't take any time at all.

You can bite down on this.

What?

And enjoy that.

Oh, no, no.

I don't want it.

Yeah, yeah, shh, shh, shh.

Shh, shh, oh sweetie, it's just like giving blood.

Really, it is.

Except the needle's much larger, there's more blood and I'm gonna take it right out of your penis.

Hey, hey, you know what, Doc?

There's got to be something else we could do.

Doug Weiner likes to think outside the box.

(SIGHS)

Well, I suppose if you can get it down on your own in the next 60 minutes, you might be okay.

But otherwise, you know...

Snip, snip!

(GASPS)

I'm just playing. (LAUGHS)

No, I'm just gonna use the big needle that I already talked to you about.

Okay, well, I do have a pamphlet here with some "boner busters."

Good luck with that.

Uh, your penis is back in your own hands.

And his.

I was born a cr*ck baby to a whore of a mother.

I mean, she was an actual whore, you know?

Um, and then...

Okay.

Is everything okay?

Yeah, uh...

Listen, lady, you seem really nice, but you're kind of k*lling my flow here, so I'm gonna give you five seconds to get your hand off my mic or I will scratch your vag*na.

Good choice.

As I was saying about whores...

Hey, g*ng. Let's go back to Mommy.

Can we stay? This is funny.

I want to sock a duck for heroin.

Okay, let's go.

Sure, at times, I have chlamydia.

Um, born with it, actually.

I hired you to pick him clean.

That's your job.

Dean Berber...

Olivia!

Not now, I'm on with my divorce attorney.

Well, the thing is...

Just handle this simple task!

It doesn't need to be a federal case.

Oh, Terry, yes, I'm still here.

The last thing I heard was, "We should make this a federal case."

All right.

Oh, Amy! Hey, Amy.

Can you watch the kids until Michaela's done?

Cool, I love kids!

Plus, I should quit this.

Great, thanks.

So, uh, what do you guys do?

(PANTING)

Okay.

The ice pack's not working. The jumping jacks aren't working.

Can we stop?

No! "Step four, Doug Weiner never gives up."

I'm not gonna bail on you, bro.

We gonna lick this d*ck of yours.

But that brings me to when my mom actually married her pimp...

Okay, so this is a total (BLEEP) show.

You wanna know what's cool?

My room, do you want to see it?

Oh, gosh no. See, I told Sam I'd stay.

Yeah, see that, she told Sam she'd stay.

Guys, seriously, who's talking here?

Oh, that'd be Tyler. Tyler Stone. S-T-O-N-E.

Yeah.

You ever been homeless, hot sh*t?

No.

No.

Ever have to decide whether or not to follow your mom into the family biz, when the family biz is taking it up the rear from an Asian tourist?

(AUDIENCE SNICKERING)

You are a pathetic excuse for a human being!

Calling you a good man would be like calling the Chicago Cubs a good baseball team!

What, are they not a good baseball team?

They're the worst!

Just like you!

Okay, okay. I know that you're trying your best, but I'm...

I'm still rock hard.

It's gonna be okay, buddy.

"Step five, call everybody buddy."

Your room is stupid.

I don't think so. It's got all kinds of cool things in here.

Like that pillow or that TV Santa brought me last year.

Santa isn't real, you idiot.

Of course he is.

He lives in the North Pole.

No.

It's just something parents say.

Then, who brings the presents?

Moms and dads buy them for you and put Santa's name on them.

I can't believe you thought Santa was real.

I stopped believing when I was eight.

What are you, like, 50?

(WHISPERING) Nineteen.

Wait a minute.

Did you say you were a Stone?

'Cause I couldn't help but notice when I was driving on campus today, there's a Calvin Stone Auditorium, a Martin Stone Science Center, a Cecilia Stone Library.

Gonna take a s*ab in the dark though, I'm gonna guess there's not so much as a Tyler Stone toilet on the entire campus. Would I be right about that?

Come on, Tyler, you gotta give me an answer. We're all...

Okay, okay, we get the point.

Oh, wow, guys, look at what we got here, we got a hero.

I call him a hero because he's so brave.

You know what? Since you're so brave, why don't you come up here and join me on stage, hot sh*t?

Actually, why don't both of you come up here?

Let's go, lover boys, let's do this.

(MICHAELA APPLAUDING)

Yeah, nice round of applause, that's right.

Olivia?

Dean Berber.

Hi.

How was your, uh, phone call?

Fantastic, I always feel so alive after talking to my divorce attorney.

Shall we?

Um, actually...

You know, I, um...

Come on.

Let's go see that speaker you so highly recommend.

Yes. Hold on, Dean Berber.

Olivia, what are you doing?

Let's go...

Wait...

I have something to tell you.

What? Better be important.

It is, it is very important.

Um...

I have feelings for you.

Feelings?

Romantic feelings.

Oh.

Is that all?

And sexual ones?

Now we're talking.

Still hard?

Yeah.

Want me to scrub your back?

No, thanks, I'm, I'm good.

Good call, good call.

"Step six, always listen to better ideas."

Ah.

I would like for you all to take a really good look at the two idiots up here on stage with me, okay?

And I would like for you to think about everything you dislike about them.

And when you think of something especially hurtful, please raise your hand. Let's start with our hero, Sam. Hey.

(SOFTLY) Thanks for booking me, by the way.

Okay, who's first?

Hey, that was really cool of you to stand up for me earlier.

Hey, don't worry about it, man.

I mean, especially after me, uh, not helping you with any of this. I should have at least tried.

Yeah.

Michaela: You're all shy now? Nobody wants to start?

It's okay.

I didn't want to start crystal meth.

I mean, in hindsight, it's probably smart that you didn't bring anyone here.

(CHUCKLING)

Can I ask you a favor?

Dude.

Whatever you want, 50% off.

No, actually, could you stop flirting with Rachel?

Who's Rachel?

(WHISPERING) Oh, Rachel!

Dude, are you into Rachel?

I had no idea.

Dude, yes, of course.

Thank you.

Yeah.

I won't even bone her, if you want.

What?

If we're being honest, I've had a number of sexual fantasies about you that start pretty much like this. Um...

Emotions are running high, the sexual energy is palpable.

We can feel it.

We know we're going to have sex.

It's like two comets on a collision course.

And we do.

Slow. Fast.

It doesn't really matter, all I know is that I climax and I climax hard!

And then I wake up, usually to my husband's snoring.

Bad breath, also known as halitosis. Give me something else.

Come on, yes, you in the hideous shirt.

Sam's, uh, he seems a little fat, a little pudgy.

Yeah, I agree with that, a little chubby.

He also sucks at sports, uh, he runs like he's being chased by a bee.

So strange, weird.

Also, you can just, you can just tell that he's got puffy nipples.

Yes, yeah, I thought that, too.

Okay, we'll go with fat first, yeah?

I still can't believe this Santa thing.

Believe it.

Do you know what this means?

That every single toy you have is because of your parents.

They thought of something you'd like and went to a store, and bought it, even if it was too expensive, and then they took it home and wrapped it in pretty paper and put it under a tree.

So that you could wake up in the morning, and have everything you've ever wanted.

And they didn't even take credit for it.

They gave it to some fake man with a beard, so that you could have the luxury of believing in miracles.

Do you know how beautiful that is?

Well, now I do.

(SOBBING)

There are rules against these sort of things.

But to touch you.

To possess you is wrong, wrong in, in, in all the right ways, sure, but wrong.

You're right, it is so wrong and I'm really glad we're on the same page about this and...

You're right, we should share a little kiss here.

So we know what we're missing.

No, no, no, no, no, no. We shouldn't kiss, we shouldn't.

Because if we kissed, then it would be really hard to part.

Oh, Olivia, your passion, your joie de vivre, my loins, they're ablaze.

Oh!

Uh, that was...

Exactly.

It was.

It cannot be.

(WHISPERING) Sorry.

Too puffy, love this. But I want to go back to Sarah.

Sarah, what was it you said when you talked to Sam, there's like a coldness behind his eyes...

Shut the (BLEEP) up.

(MICHAELA CLEARS THROAT)

What's that, hot sh*t?

Leave him alone.

He's putting himself through school with like 10 different works.

And he's an RA, and he doesn't even use it to get dr*gs or girls.

He's a nice guy.

And you guys are all making him feel terrible, and I'm not just gonna stand here while you guys make him feel like (BLEEP).

You think I'm treating him like (BLEEP)?

I think you're treating me like (BLEEP).

You think I'm the only person that's ever going to make you feel like less than you actually are?

Guys, do I get to determine Sam's worth?

Because you sat there and you let me do it.

You know, you even joined in.

When I told you about all the pain in my life, did you care or did you distance yourself from me?

But when I became cruel...

When I started trying to break other people down, oh, wow, you guys were only too happy to jump on the bandwagon then, huh?

Think about who you want to be.

Do you want to be the sort of person that stands there and laughs at my problems?

You know, or Sam's puffy nipples?

Or do you want to be compassionate and kind?

Michaela: College is about finding yourselves, okay? Becoming who you are.

I (BLEEP) for heroin.

Sam is putting himself through college.

We can't let these be the things that define who we are, because if we do, we're gonna go around, we're gonna try and bring everybody else down with us.

Tyler.

It's pretty clear you're not exactly your family's favorite.

I wouldn't be surprised if that made you selfish and uncaring, yet you were the only person in here who had the heart and the balls to stand up for Sam.

I think we could all stand to be a little bit more like Tyler Stone here.

We could?

Yes!

Yeah, we could.

Yes! Here is to having the heart and the balls, please say it with me.

Heart and balls, come on, guys.

All: Heart and balls.

Louder!

All: Heart and balls!

Louder!

Heart and balls!

Yeah!

All: Heart and balls!

All: Heart and balls!

Can you feel the compassion growing inside of you?

All: Yes!

Are you prepared to be kind, caring souls for the rest of your time at Thoreau College?

All: Yes!

Do you promise me you'll never (BLEEP) for heroin?

All: Yes!

Then I have done my job, the light in me honors the light in you, namaste.

(ALL CHEERING)

Uh-oh.

Must have been quite a talk.

Where are my children?

Amy: Here they are.

Oh, you two have fun?

Thank you, Mommy, so, so much, for everything.

I love you.

Oh, well...

You're welcome for everything.

All right, let's go.

Good-bye, my sweet.

Holy (BLEEP).

I guess it's time for the needle.

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

Who's that?

It's not time just yet, my friend.

Step number seven, the most important.

"Doug Weiner prides himself on solving a problem come hell or high water."

Leslie, meet my cousin Kiki.

Damn!

I'll leave you two to it.

Leave us to do what?

To help you with your problem.

Mmm, mmm, yes...

(LESLIE SCREAMING)

I didn't even have to touch him.