02x06 - m*rder!

[bunniefuu]

Russ: My work is in the ghetto.

Lina: I don't have an office.

Russ: My commute is longer.

Lina: You get paid more.

Well, I have to manage employees.

Lina: I have to manage second-graders.

I don't understand. Why are we having this fight again?

Because you still won't admit that my job is worse than yours.

Because I... (crashing)

Shh.

What was that?

I don't know. It sounded like it came from the backyard.

(dog barks)

This is exactly the home invasion we always talked about needing to be prepared for and we never did.

You're gonna get k*lled.

I'm gonna get r*ped and k*lled.

Don't be so sure about the order.

Can you see anything?

Russ: No.

I'm sure it's probably fine.

Lina, come on. (gasps)

(screams)

There's a man in the backyard.

S02E06
m*rder!

Frankie: Thanks.

(dishes clinking)

Lina: Judah's been moving stuff in all morning.

Who's Judah?

He is the creepy guy who lives in the guesthouse.

Can't we just kick him out?

He's a renter, just like us.

Ella: I don't get it.

We rent the main house, he rents the back.

We're poor.

You poor people have IPads.

Grandma bought them.

That's not the point.

Nina said that that guy would never be around and now he's creeping around in the middle of the night...

It was 9:30.

To me, that's the middle of the night.

(knocking at door)

Hello?

Hey.

Hey, you don't have any of my mail, do you?

Uh...

Um, I might. I can look.

Well, thanks, man.

Just let me know if you find anything.

Oh, you'll probably be seeing a lot more of me around here now.

Why is that?

Well, Russ, I was kind of living full-time with my lady.

That's over now.

Oh. Well, um, you know, maybe you guys can work things out.

(scoffs)

No chance. No.

I did some pretty bad sh*t.

She's gone for good.

Well, I'm sorry to hear that.

Thanks, man.

(door closes)

Wow.

I wonder what bad sh*t he did.

Did you see that?

What?

He couldn't even look at me.

He didn't even acknowledge anything I said.

Oh, I'm sorry, did you say something?

Lina: I want you to add it all up and write down the number. All right.

Ugh, get out of my chair.

Come on.

But it's so cool. You have your own chair.

But you let Mikey sit in your chair.

I like Mikey.

(knocking at door)

Do you have a minute?

Children: Ooh!

Really?

Finish math.

(door closes)

So I just talked to Betty, and she said her recovery is going quicker than expected and she'll be back earlier.

It's okay. Nothing lasts forever.

When's my last day?

Well, that's the thing. We really don't want to lose you.

Well, I... really don't... want to go.

What if we offered you something permanent?

How permanent?

Russ.

Um, you need to talk to Bernie. People are getting upset.

Ugh. What did he do this time?

"Grandpa."

Who's Grandpa?

Bernie.

Oh. Hey, Russ.

Hey, do I look older to you?

(laughs)

That is "Grandpa"?

In the flesh. Bernie, the office is no place for Grandpa.

Whoa, Russ.

I'm gonna have to report you to HR.

You're reporting me?

Yeah, for age discrimination.

(chuckling) Come on.

You have to stop doing that at work.

Are you sure, Russ?

Isn't this something of a gray area?

I'm serious.

You can't do that joke here.

Oh.

Can't? Or won't?

Hmm?

Hey, guys.

Check out my pubes.

(dog barking)

Lina: I'd be a teacher's aide.

That's not even a real teacher.

So what?

So, I don't know, subs are cooler.

They're in and out.

They're like hit men.

I don't know if I want to commit to the same class for an entire year.

But we need the extra money.

Maybe we should downsize.

The family?

It's easier to get a hotel room with two kids.

Look, just take the job and if you hate it, you can quit.

Mommy's a quitter.

See? (Lina gasps)

Every decision you make affects them.

Why do I have to be a role model?

Isn't that what celebrities are for?

No way.

Hmm?

This came for Judah.

It's from the state parole board.

What?

Yeah.

I told you that he was into some bad sh*t.

I knew it.

Abby: This is so cool. I mean, if you get this job, we can hang out every day.

Or we can be real friends instead of just work friends.

I thought we were real friends.

You know what I mean.

I guess so, yeah.

Why are they hiring me?

Don't they know what a bad attitude I have?

Yeah. If they need a reference, they can call me.

I can confirm.

You know, you shouldn't complain.

People actually value you.

My ex-partners thought I was worthless.

Lina: You know what?

I will take your huge buyout settlement and you be a teacher's aide.

You know what? Rich people have problems, too.

I know.

They just don't matter. Mm.

So did Lina tell you about the m*rder*r we have living in our guesthouse?

No.

What?

No. I don't want them to make fun of me.

Aw, it's cute.

Ugh.

No, there's no m*rder*r. There's a guy who got a letter from the parole board.

Uh, yeah. About m*rder.

You didn't give him his letter?

I couldn't, because then he would know that I knew abouthe thing.

Who thinks I should open it?

I definitely do.

Okay, as your lawyer, I have to tell you that A, opening his mail is a felony.

And B, the letter's not gonna tell you what his crime was.

Crap. Why didn't you tell me that first?

Because I thought that the whole federal crime part of it would be a stronger deterrent.

You're fired. We need to hire a new lawyer.

Maybe he just screwed up once.

Doesn't make him a m*rder*r. I've made mistakes.

Would you guys have a problem with me staying in your guesthouse, would you?

I think you know the answer to that.

Well, it's your loss. I'm a model tenant.

Well, how do I find out about this guy? I mean, who is he?

What's his deal? Who did he m*rder?

We need your help.

I can't help you. You just fired me.

You're hired again.

Great. I'll make some calls.

Yes, thank you. She's been a little obsessed.

m*rder.

Russ: There you go.

All right, everybody in.

Hi, Judah.

Hey, Russ.

Russ: Hey.

Did you see that?

That guy is so guilty about k*lling a woman that he won't even look at one.

Maybe it's cultural.

What does that mean?

It means that in some cultures, it's more respectful to ignore women.

I don't know.

I think that we might need to call in sick and figure out what this guy's deal is.

We need to do this. For the children.

For the children?

Yeah.

We could all call in sick.

No. No one is calling in sick, okay?

Mommy... has a big decision to make.

And she thinks that if she doesn't go to work, then work will make it for her.

That's not accurate.

Don't listen to your dad this one time.

(door closes, engine starts) Bye.

Have a good day at work.

(whispering): Hey, Magnus, it's Lina.

Look, I... um, sorry for the short notice, but I am not gonna be able to make it in today.

I have a family emergency.

Okay. Oh, I got to go. Bye.

Hey, Russ, did you talk to Bernie yet?

Uh, about what?

You were supposed to fire him.

What? You're f*ring Bernie?

Sorry. There's something wrong with my calendar updates. I thought I told you already.

Look, I-I... He's just not used to corporate environments. Let me ju...

I'll just talk to him.

No, we already hired his replacement.

Gil, come on. I can't fire him.

He was your hire.

Hey. You're not gonna believe this.

I have to fire Bernie right now.

Lina: Oh, my God, that's terrible.

I know.

What are you gonna do?

I-I... I don't know.

I don't think I have a-a choice.

Why are you whispering?

I followed the m*rder*r to a bookstore.

He's in the travel section.

What about work? Did you tell them that you're gonna take that job?

Forget about the job.

Judah's buying travel books.

To places we don't have an extradition treaty with.

So you're sabotaging your job.

You're sabotaging my life.

(scoffs) Fine.

Do what you got to do.

Bernie: Hey.

Do I look older to you?

Uh, Bernie.

Hey.

Hey, what's up, Russ?

Hey. So, uh...

So... this is really important.

And... difficult.

And... maybe unfair.

What's going on?

I have to leave work early today to help Lina with something.

(sighs) That is unfair.

Huh.

Oh, hey, do you know a good waxer?

No?

Ugh, I froze... I just couldn't do it.

You know, it's Bernie.

I get it... he's helped us out so many times.

I know, and now I have to fire him?

I mean, it's bullshit.

How do you fire a friend?

(whispering): Look.

He's buying sandpaper.

Obviously trying to remove his fingerprints.

Or he's refinishing furniture, but, sure, he's removing fingerprints.

This is why we're such a good team.

You're the by-the-book guy to keep a loose cannon like me in line.

I solve the crime, you file the paperwork.

Holy sh*t.

A convicted criminal has a bow saw, bleach and sandpaper.

What more do you need?

Evidence?

Damn, you really are by the book.

Come on, come w us?

Maybe not... (cell phone chimes) but we should probably stay in here until he leaves.

Damn.

Hmm?

The school wants an answer by the end of the day.

How can I even think about that when I'm trying to protect my kids from a serial k*ller?

Stop.

Come on.

You're doing it again.

What?

Using our kids as an excuse.

If you don't want to take the job, don't take the job, but don't pretend like we're out here protecting our kids.

A teacher's aide.

When I was ten, I thought I was gonna be an astronaut.

(chuckles)

Do astronauts have to fire people?

(gasps)

What is going on in here?

Uh, how much are the sheds?

Bernie?

Oh, hey.

You're still here.

How are you still here?

(scoffs) I'll be here all week, thank you very much.

That's an expression comedians use.

Actually, I have another printing job I go to on Thursdays, but, uh, try the veal.

What veal?

Okay, that's a very common comedy thing.

Hey, did you speak to Russ?

Yeah, he said he had to leave early, something to do with his wife.

Why don't you take the rest of the day off, too?

Ah.

Now that sounds fair.

All right, thanks, boss.

And Bernie?

Yeah.

Would you speak to Russ as soon as possible?

All right.

Lina: He's altering his appearance.

Okay, I will admit that is kind of suspicious.

Yeah.

Lina: He's gone.

(gasps)

Wow.

Both: Hi.

Are you guys following me?

Lina: What? No.

That's crazy.

No, we were just, uh... we were just getting couples haircuts.

Jack and Jills.

I thought I saw you at the hardware store.

Oh, no, we-we get that a lot.

Yeah.

Okay.

See you later, Russ.

(sighs) What a creep.

Aren't we the creeps here?

(sighs) Why do you always take his side?

Why do I need to take a stupid job?

Yeah. Or maybe I can just quit my job.

Yeah.

We can just raise cattle.

Russ. Look.

Why is our door open?

Stay here.

(door creaking)

Somebody in here?

Hello?

(chair squeaking)

I hear we need to talk.

Bernie (chuckles): That was classic. Should have seen your guys' faces.

Yeah, it was a good one, Bernie.

We really believed we were about to be k*lled.

Really? Good.

So, uh, Gil said you had something to say to me.

Um...

Yeah. Well, you know, firstly, um, I want to thank you for... you know.

Oh.

You've just always been such a great friend, you know, and-and I really appreciate what you've done for me and-and my family.

Gil told you to say that?

What?

No, I... Look, the thing is, Gil and, um, well, some of the people at-at work, they don't always appreciate, you know, your-your heart, you know, your... how you have such a great, you know, big heart.

But I-I do.

Russ, are you hitting on me?

(knocking)

(groans) Hold on a sec.

Hey. Good timing.

Simple as*ault.

What?

Your friend in the guesthouse, his conviction was for simple as*ault.

Lina: Did you just say "as*ault"?

Simple as*ault.

What is simple as*ault?

It's basically the pussiest form of as*ault.

There.

Oh.

Simple as*ault. Right?

Thank you.

So I really don't think you guys have anything to worry about.

You haven't even seen this guy.

Russ and I have been following him all day, and I am telling you, there is something up with this dude.

So you stalked him but he's dangerous?

He is dangerous.

He won't look me in the eye.

Yeah.

That's because you have crazy eyes right now.

(dogs barking)

Is that him?

What is he doing in the backyard?

He's burying something.

Russ: Oh, here we go.

I'm serious. What if it's a body?

It's not a body.

What if it's a time capsule, like, from 1982?

Enough with 1982.

It wasn't a great year for everybody, okay?

Lina: All right, he's leaving. Russ, I need you to get a shovel.

I'm gonna get a flashlight.

Bernie, you're the lookout.

Okay.

You're not digging fast enough.

Are you kidding? You can take over at any time.

Bernie: Guys, guys, guys, guys, um, Judah's coming.

Yeah, Judah's here. What's happening?

There he is.

Lina: Oh, my God.

Really? Can... Let me fire him, please? Can I do it?

Russ, were you trying to fire me back there?

No, I... You...

Judah: I can't believe you did this.

Lina: Did what, found the body?

Destroyed my herb garden.

What body?

Your ex-girlfriend that you m*rder*d.

Russ, you think I m*rder*d my ex-girlfriend?

Lina: I think it. I do.

Bernie: Okay, can we put a pin in m*rder? Uh, Russ, am I fired?

No.

I... No.

Russ, you think I m*rder*d somebody, my ex-girlfriend?

No, I... Yes, you're fired.

I'm so sorry, okay?

But you did say you did some bad sh*t to your ex.

Judah: Yeah, Russ, I cheated on her.

And got a stripper pregnant.

Huh.

I know how that boat floats, man.

Judah: I'm not proud of it, but I didn't m*rder anything.

Except that p*ssy.

Wait, then why did you change your appearance?

What's up with that?

For a parole meeting I have coming up.

If they'd ever send me the damn letter.

He looked at me.

(Lina moaning loudly)

Oh... Lina.

Oh...

Lina...

(moaning)

(muffled moan)

Oh, my God.

Holy sh*t.

Whoa.

I think we should become amateur detectives, 'cause...

I mean, just for the sake of our sex life.

Hmm. I won't have time.

I'm gonna take that job at the school.

You are?

You really don't have to.

No, I'm okay with it.

But I'd like it if you played hooky with me every once in a while.

Absolutely.

I mean, if Judah did m*rder his girlfriend, how smart would it be to plant rosemary over it?

Should I grab the shovel?

I'm too tired.

I'm fine letting him get away with it.

This time.

Russ: You sure you're not mad?

No. It's for the best.

No offense, Russ, no one around here has a sense of humor.

What I'm worried about is what my next gig's gonna be.

It's hard to find work... at my age.

Oh, sh*t.

Where is it? Where is that thing?

You didn't happen to see a curly gray wig around?

No.

Well, that's probably for the best, too.

Rest in peace, Grandpa.

He will be missed.