02x04 - Cult; Perfect Body

[bunniefuu]

Life... it's literally all we have.

But is it any good?

I'm a reviewer, but I don't review food, books, or movies.

I review life itself.

[screams]

[triumphant music]

[parrot squawks]

♪ ♪

Over here.

♪ ♪

Welcome to Review. Hello to you all.

And please, say "hello" to A.J. Gibbs.

Hi, Forrest. You look ready for a review.

And you look ready to proffer one to me.

Ew.

Theo from Oklahoma City, Oklahoma.

Hmm.

Hi, Forrest.

I've recently saved up enough money to open up my own CrossFit gym.

So what's it like to be a cult leader?

What's it like to be a cult leader? Eek.

I think you'd be good at that, Forrest.

I think you'd get a lot of followers.

Really?

Yeah.

Huh, well would you like to join my cult?

No.

Okay.

All right.

Forrest: Oh, there's old Chuck Manson.

Always nice to see him.

I really don't understand how these things work.

It's really very simple.

You find some vulnerable people, you isolate them, you exploit them for money, so on and so forth. Rivers of blood.

Rivers of blood? Good Lord.

Trust me, I have seen every cult documentary ever made.

Forrest voice-over: Lucille's dire assessment of cults was certainly overblown, but I did worry about the possible impact that this review could have on my family life.

My girlfriend, Mrs. Greenfield, and I were happily living together with my father in his timeshare cottage, an arrangement made necessary after a fire had tragically destroyed his home.

It's such a lovely home that you have here.

It is.

Uh-huh.

If we can just keep Forrest out of the kitchen, we'll be fine.

Oh, I see. Oh. [laughs]

I get it, I get it, I get it.

I b*rned down our other house, cooking a meal.

Yeah. Yeah.

I feel like a walk. Okay.

Forrest voice-over: That night, as Mrs. Greenfield and I expressed our growing love, I puzzled over a message to base my cult on.

And I found it in the stars.

Do you see those five stars up there in the shape of a letter M?

That's Cassiopeia.

Yeah, that's shaped like a W.

No, it's an M, like MacNeil.

I feel like those stars are shining right at us.

It's making me feel like... we can lead a five-star life.

Wow, that's really... that's big stuff.

Forrest voice-over: And, just like that, I had my first follower.

But a good cult needs more than two people.

We're out here today just talking to people about leading a five-star life.

Forrest voice-over: I set out in search of lost, sad people.

You can lead a five-star life. It's possible.

Forrest voice-over: And several of them were willing to be found.

Guys, I think we're really on the first steps of an exciting and important journey of self-discovery.

Forrest voice-over: In truth, there wasn't much to my message, but there didn't need to be.

♪ One star is better than half ♪
♪ Two stars better than one ♪
♪ One star's better than half ♪

Forrest voice-over: I had offered a sense of belonging, and that was enough.

♪ ♪

Forrest voice-over: This cult was a purely fun and positive experience.

And over the next couple of weeks, we attracted more and more followers.

I trust you, you trust me.

One, two, three, four, five... ah!

[laughs]

Forrest: What a great feeling!

What do you say, Dad? That's pretty cool, right?

Forrest: Yeah, you can put me down.

These are great, aren't they?

Forrest voice-over: As the days passed and my little community came to feel more and more like a family, I decided our utopia was missing someone.

Hey, Dad.

I have a really exciting idea, okay?

You seem pretty lonely in here, and something pretty exciting is going on just across the road over there.

Uh...

Dad, don't you want to lead a five-star life?

Yeah, um... I am worried.

You know, worried is not the right word.

I'm wondering... slash worried that this might turn out like the model-airplane club sophomore year.

This isn't gonna be anything like that, Dad.

For one thing, my followers love me out there.

Forrest voice-over: It was a low blow for my father to bring up my disastrous leadership of Model Airplane Club.

Now I was determined to prove to him that I could lead a cult as well as anyone.

I began following the wisdom of cult leaders who had succeeded before me.

First, I granted myself the extraordinary power of absolving the sins of my followers.

Who else has a burden to unleash?

I stole money from the pension fund at work.

The stars absolve you!

all: One, two, three, four, five!

I cheated on my husband with a total stranger.

The stars definitely absolve you.

all: One, two, three, four, five!

I hit a homeless man with my car, and I just kept driving.

Seriously?

Yeah, I did.

The stars absolve you!

all: One, two, three, four, five!

My children, I have taken your sins and transgressions and crimes, and I have banished them into the deep, dark void of space.

We are free!

[cheers and applause]

Forrest voice-over: Then, to keep everyone focused on me and being more like me, I instituted a new uniform.

Here.

We have a new uniform!

Forrest voice-over: And a reward system.

As you earn each level, you will get a new piece of clothing.

The first level of achievement is shirts.

Th second level is pants.

Let's hope you get to that one soon.

The third level is jacket. The fourth level is tie.

And level five... the glasses of enhanced sight.

Forrest voice-over: And it was all working beautifully.

Forrest: Congratulations. You've attained Shirt Level.

Forrest voice-over: Two months into our time together, the members of my rapidly growing family were beginning to treat me like a messiah.

[applause]

And I liked being a messiah.

Cosmic Father, this is all I have in the world, made out to you in a cashier's check.

Congratulations.

Yes, indeed.

Cosmic Father, it's my father's old watch.

You're my father now.

One, two three...

all: Four, five.

Rachel?

You haven't surrendered your assets to the movement yet.

I just don't think I can, Cosmic Father.

Well, I would hate for anyone to find out about the man that you hit with your car.

A cashier's check will be just fine.

all: One, two, three, four, five.

Forrest voice-over: As time progressed, my leadership of the cult was going well... far better than Model Airplane Club, even on its best days.

The Universe has brought us an H3T Hummer.

It's got a 5.3 liter V8 engine, so it really hauls ass.

And it's ours! [laughs]

I will keep the keys.

One, two, three...

all: Four, five.

Forrest voice-over: And yet, there were problems.

There are a few followers who are thinking about leaving.

What? Thinking about leaving?

Mrs. Greenfield: Yes, they've been speaking about it amongst themselves, and they confided in me...

How shall we punish them?

No, no, no, no. We need to engage them and help them move forward.

It might be easier to punish them.

Perhaps we could dig a ditch.

Okay, well...

Do you have a better idea?

Maybe a special project.

That's what I did when I had special needs children in my classes.

I will ruminate on special projects to engage the followers.

Forrest voice-over: My beautiful Mrs. Greenfield had provided me with wise counsel.

We needed a new goal.

This is why, my friends, we must build a great space ark to conduct us into the stars!

A space ark?

A space ark!

Yes, indeed, my friends!

It may take years to build it, but when it is complete we shall leave this dying planet and we shall make the stars our destination!

Ha ha ha! Yes, yes!

Mrs. Greenfield.

Yes?

Why don't you head up this project?

Will you organize it and do all the work?

Absolutely.

Forrest voice-over: This idea was obviously absurd, but busy people are happy people.

Let's gather together.

Does anyone know how to get to space?

Forrest voice-over: And Mrs. Greenfield, who had left her job as a teacher to be with me...

Was truly in her element.

But my difficulties were not all behind me.

I'm really energized now.

Forrest voice-over: It has been said that power is the ultimate aphrodisiac.

Many of my female followers would need more than a space ark to keep them invested in my movement.

Yes, my child.

Forrest voice-over: I am not proud of what I had to do next.

Being a cult leader had clearly gone to my head.

You're welcome, Devon. It was my pleasure.

Sorry, I'm not really sure how to feel about this, Cosmic Father.

Feel about what?

You fellating so many other women.

Forrest voice-over: I encouraged Mrs. Greenfield to channel any feelings of jealousy into the special project that I had entrusted her with.

I'm making a real sacrifice here, you know?

These girls would leave if I didn't show them some attention.

Uh-huh.

Try to put yourself in my place, okay?

I will, Cosmic Father.

Forrest voice-over: This was, in retrospect, a colossal mistake, as I learned one week later.

[g*n sh*ts]

Whoo!

[g*n sh*ts]

Hey, hey, hey!

Hey, hey, hey! What are you doing?

What is happening right now?

[g*n sh*t]

Whoo!

This ATM will help us finance the space ark, huh?

Wait a minute, wait a minute.

Hey, hey, Mrs. Greenfield, where did you get that g*n?

I got it at Walmart.

[g*n sh*ts]

Oh, God... no!

Whoo!

Absolutely not!

Absolutely no g*ns! I forbid it.

No, you can't do that.

What do you mean?

Well, you're fifth level and, as you can see, I am sixth level.

This is my movement...

Not anymore.

What do you mean, "not anymore?"

Well, I'm above you.

There is no sixth level!

You can't go higher than six.

There's five levels! Come on, guys.

Hey, let's get a bonfire going, and we'll do some dancing.

Come on.

No, no, no.

She's sixth level, and you're fifth level.

Holy [bleep], she's... she's right.

Six is better than five.

Six is greater than five.

One, two, three...

all: Four, five, six!

Come on.

I think you should go.

No. No, no.

You are outcast.

Rachel: Outcast!

No. I... I get that you're kicking me out of the cult, but are you and I still gonna be?

No. No!

Outcast.

all: Outcast!

Make way for the outcast.

all: Outcast!

No!

I have a g*n.

all: Outcast! Outcast!

Begone!

all: Outcast!

I was gonna get a volleyball net!

all: Outcast!

That's a good idea.

We're gonna get a volleyball net.

I love that.

One, two, three, four...

Forrest voice-over: I am happy to say that Lucille's predictions of bloodshed did not come to pass, but the emotional trauma of losing my new family and my girlfriend was pretty bad.

I had forgotten the first rule of leadership... know when and where to delegate.

I had also forgotten the first rule of cults... never delegate.

Just like Model Airplane Club?

Yeah.

It was uplifting to briefly feel like I was making a difference in people's lives.

Giving them a purpose and a space ark they didn't have before, but it hurt to have that joy ripped out of my hands and by a woman I loved and trusted, no less.

Perhaps the real lesson here is that not all who are lost should be found.

Being a cult leader, two stars.

One, two.

I guess that's it.

Yup.

[triumphant music]

It's time for a new review. A.J., what'll it be?

It's from @kickitorlickit.

What's it like to have a perfect body?

#review #question #iwouldhitthat.

Well, I... I think I understand the first part of that, anyway.

What's it like to have a perfect body?

As a reminder, Forrest is allowed to veto two reviews this season.

[triumphant music]

Yes, that is true, but this is not going to be one of them.

I see what you're saying, and I take it as a personal challenge.

I am off to achieve physical perfection.

[laughs]

Forrest, voice-over: The perfect body... this was surely a subjective judgement, but by any standard, I did not have one.

Oh, hi, Grant.

Hi, Forrest.

I thought the door was locked.

Nope.

Forrest, voice-over: I started by joining a spiffy downtown gym, but I did not like working out.

It was boring, and it hurt.

Plus, being surrounded by all those mirrors made me focus on my many flaws.

Look at these teeth.

Do you see what I see?

Forrest, voice-over: A simple dental prosthetic took care of that problem, but it wasn't long before I found another one.

My teeth were now perfectly white, but my skin was too white.

Fortunately, tanning salons are easy to find.

My journey to perfection was well under way.

But the cult that was living on my dad's timeshare property had gotten into the habit of playing drums around a bonfire late into the night, and it was interfering with my beauty sleep.

What the [bleep] is going on here?

Stay right where you are, Outcast.

We will not be moved!

Yeah, that's fine...

One, two-

all: Three, four, five, six!

Okay, that's fine. That's fine.

I'm just really stopping by to ask if you could please keep it down a little bit at night?

You know, with the drumming? You could be a little quieter.

What happened to your face?

Oh, I'm trying to have the perfect body.

Uh, well, that's not what it looks like.

It looks like you're an orange beaver.

Oh, Mrs. Greenfield.

Let's not play these little games.

Okay, remove the non-believer.

I want him off the property!

All right!

All right, all right.

Get him!

Forrest, voice-over: My rapidly improving appearance was clearly making Mrs. Greenfield jealous, and that gave me all the encouragement I needed to keep going.

all: Four, five, six!

One, two, three.

Forrest, voice-over: Being perfect from the neck up didn't make it any less of a nuisance to become perfect from the neck down.

I knew there had to be an easier way.

We just lay the implant in under the skin... instant six pack.

Can I do it with other muscles, too?

Like, with my arms and my legs?

Why not? And listen to this...

I'm having a special on phalloplasty this month.

Really? What is that?

That means I can give you a really big penis.

How big are we talking about?

Forrest, voice-over: Dr. Pirbal seemed to have a magical shortcut to perfection.

I opted to get the full package.

Thanks to 40 pounds of silicone muscle implants, and my new gigantic penis...

Wow.

I was now a walking work of art.

And others were taking notice.

Hello, Forrest.

Jesus [bleep] Christ.

Hey. What do you say? Pretty good, right?

Well, it's, uh... the penis is all right.

I like what you did with that.

Thank you.

You look good, but we're not looking for a good body.

We're looking for a perfect body.

A perfect body means symmetry.

You've got a long way to go.

Forrest, voice-over: Grant had a point.

My penis did turn out well.

I thought I was done.

Forrest, voice-over: But making my body perfect would require more work.

Forrest, voice-over: My new implants certainly made me appear to be in better shape, but the added weight of these artificial muscles made exercise extremely challenging.

I needed help, and I found it in the form of highly illegal steroid injections.

[growls]

Forrest, voice-over: After a few weeks of dosing, I was noticeably stronger.

I was also consumed with rage all of the time.

Hey, I want that.

I want that one, too!

Yeah!

I wanted it and I took it!

Dad, I put my protein shake down someplace, and now I can't find it!

Listen, I'm sorry, but I told your friends that they were making a little too much noise...

Those aren't my friends anymore, Dad.

I don't need friends. I'm perfect.

They just drummed louder, you know?

So I... I called the police to file a noise complaint.

The police?

Dad, the police are weaklings.

They can't do anything.

Watch this.

[growls]

I have already told you to be quiet!

Forrest, voice-over: Artificially elevated levels of testosterone may be useful for short-term muscle gain, but not for conflict resolution.

[yells] This is ending now!

One, two, three, four, five, six.

Evict the outcast! Evict him.

I have achieved perfection in body and mind!

I am the ultimate man!

all: Five, six.

I will destroy everything you have built, starting with this stupid tambourines!

And the these stupid drums!

Hey! Hey! Not the bongos.

This flag used to stand for something beautiful!

I want you off my dad's property!

Would you please just stop? Stop this!

Forrest, voice-over: As I rampaged against my ex-girlfriend and her heavily armed followers, the police my dad called arrived on the scene.

Drop it now! Drop it!

Forrest, voice-over: They were joined by members of the FBI cult squad.

As they pulled out their g*ns on Mrs. Greenfield's militia, I pulled out the last w*apon I had at my disposal.

Look upon my works and despair!

Oh... Oh, God!

Put down the w*apon!

Oh God, oh God, oh God.

Forrest, voice-over: I do not know who fired first, or how the horrible chaos began.

But clearly, I had to get out of there... and fast.

What are you doing?

All right, all right, all right, all right... Oh God!

I can't find my...

No! No! No! Ahh!

Protect the space ark! Protect the space ark!

Officer: Drop it now! Drop it!

Officer! Don't sh**t the orange Hulk!

He's a good boy!

Oh, God. Oh God, oh God!

Father: He's really sweet!

Dad!

Forrest, I love you!

Officer: Down! Drop the g*n!

Dad!

Oh!!

Dad!

Put down the w*apon!

Die, monsters, die!

Oh, no! God, no! Oh! We got to get out of here.

What?

Don't look. Don't look.

They blew up what?

Don't look at the house.

Don't look at... why?

Don't look at it.

Ahh! No!

Not again!

We got to go!

Forrest, voice-over: All this time later, I'm still coming to terms with the horror of what happened in that field.

How did my quest for the perfect body cost so many other people their bodies?

It is, by far, the most terrible experience this show has subjected me to.

As you can see, I have discarded the implants and the fake tan that caused so much horror.

I'm incredibly lucky to be alive, and my father is also lucky to have only been sh*t in the leg, and to have had his second and final home b*rned to the ground.

It could have been much, much worse.

Which brings me to Mrs. Greenfield, who, I'm very sorry to report, d*ed in a hail of police b*ll*ts.

She came out here to become a star, and now she dances among them.

Considering how little time she had left, I'm grateful that she found the courage to follow her dreams.

Getting the perfect body, half a star.

So you didn't even keep your new, uh?

No, I did not keep my enormous penis, and I would rather not say why.

I think your audience deserves to know that, Forrest.

[sighs]

My penis was so large that, whenever I achieved an erection, I passed out from the lack of blood flow to my brain.

That's all the time we have for Review.

Please join us next time.

All me! All me! All me! All me! All me! All me! Help.

Help. Help. Help. Help. Help. Help. Help. [grunts]

Why the [bleep] did you help me?

Because you...

Why did you help me?