01x01 - Pilot

[bunniefuu]

Man: This isn't child's play.

Do you have any idea how much money it costs to send someone to college nowadays?

You must take advantage of what you've got right now.

I know you're having a great time, I know that college is as wonderful as you thought it would be, but your grades are for sh*t.

You've got to apply yourself.

They have to become better.

What's the big deal? I still passed.

Barely.

A "C" isn't barely passing.

That's a "D". A "C" is satisfactory.

Yeah. A "C" is a Jewish "F".

Look, honey, I don't mean to nag, but I don't understand how you can get an "A" in, uh...

What was it?

Cinema of the French New Wave.

An "A" in French cinema, and you get a "C" in your major.

[sighs]

It's not my major yet.

See, this is what I'm talking about.

What's it gonna look like in the fall when you apply to the CPA program, and they see that you barely squeaked by in Intro Accounting?

Like I don't belong.

Honey, I get it.

I was young once.

First couple of years of college it's all about having fun.

You go to keggers, you smoke a little refer, you get a little wh... you know, it's...

You figure things out.

But after a while, you've got to buckle down.

You've got to think about the future.

I know.

I know you know.

Now, look, this summer job's a great start.

Okay, you meet people, you make contacts.

There are gonna be a lot of wealthy people who are gonna remember you down the road when they need someone to do their taxes, okay?

Now, come on. Let's play another set before the bugs get too bad.

Okay.

You serve.

You gonna serve or what?

Dad.

[groaning]

Dad, what's wrong? You okay?

I think I'm having a heart att*ck.

Hey!

Ah, ow!

Hey, call 9-1-1.

He's having a f*cking heart att*ck!

David, come here. David, I love you so much.

Promise me that you won't make the same mistakes we did.

Who? Who?

Your mother and I.

We never loved each other.

We should have split years ago except you came along.

What?

[groaning]

I should have married Sun Yi.

Who's Sun Yi?

She's this girl I knew in Korea.

Oh, she had such beautiful eyes.

I... I love the Orientals.

Okay, okay, well...

David, David, David, David, David!

What?

I think your mother's a lesbian, or... or at least technically bisexual.

Okay, shh!

Shhh! Take it easy.

[groaning]

I'm here, I'm here. Okay.

Okay.

Quickly, I love you.

You love me?

It's coming, it's coming.

Man: Good news, folks. He's gonna be fine.

As heart att*cks go, this was pretty mild.

More of a wake up call to ditch the cigarettes and take up jogging.

I've been telling him that for years.

He doesn't listen to me.

He doesn't... Does he listen to me?

Can you imagine seeing your father dying in front of your eyes?

Horrible.

He did this to himself.

All right, I'm just gonna...

Okay, well, I know you're eager to see him, but keep your voices down and don't get him too excited.

I'm sorry.

Whisper.

Yeah, okay.

Thank you. Thank you.

You are never to scare me like that again.

Honey, I'm sorry.

Are you kidding me?

Totally my fault, I take the blame.

Yes, it is your fault.

I almost had a heart att*ck when I got the call from our son.

Honey, I didn't want to have a heart att*ck.

And your son had to see that?

Do you know how...

I wanted to have a stroke, but I didn't know what the difference was.

[Robbie Dupree's "Steal Away"]

♪ Come on and hold me ♪
♪ Just like you told me ♪
♪ Then show me ♪
♪ What I want to know ♪
♪ Why don't we steal away ♪
♪ Why don't we steal away ♪

Just a review so we don't have any misunderstandings.

Base salary is 300 a week.

But the real gelt is in the private lessons.

$50 an hour which you'll split with me 60/40.

Am I 60 or 40?

And on a good week, if you hustle, you can clear nine bills.

We have other perks as well.

We eat for free.

King crab, New York strip, chef salads.

All you have to do is sign for it.

They serve New York strip at the staff cafeteria?

How the f*ck do I know? I'm not staff.

You're not?

Neither be you.

Listen, we're tennis pros, man.

We eat in the dining hall with the members.

We take a shower in their locker room, a steam in their sauna, and a sh*t in their toilets.

The only difference between them and us is we do not get to schtupp their wives, even if they want you to, and believe me, boychik, some of them will want you to.

Good morning, Mrs. Shapiro.

Why don't you go ahead and get warmed up?

I'll be right there. Case in point.

I could hit that but I don't. Do you know why?

Because you're married?

Because she's married and you never know to whom.

Well, I have a girlfriend, so...

She's actually the aerobics instructor.

Karen?

Yeah.

She's your girlfriend?

Yeah.

Lovely.

And turn over, time for doggy style, ladies.

And up, up, and 5, 4, 3, 2, 1.

Great job, ladies.

Same time, same place tomorrow, okay, guys?

Hi, sweetie.

You look so adorable in your little tennis outfit.

Yeah.

You want to come over after work?

Tonight?

Yeah, Mom's been staying at the hospital 'til 10 or 11, so we get the house to ourselves.

Can't tonight, remember? We have the, uh, party.

What party?

That, uh, staff summer kick off kegger.

Everyone's going.

Am I allowed to?

I don't see why not.

Well, I'm not staff.

I mean, technically.

Technically?

According to Nash.

Nash is full of sh*t.

Um, my next class is starting.

Uh, come on in, guys. You should get out of here.

Yeah.

Okay. Leave those.

Women aren't f*cking action figures.

No, they're mammals with fur.

Big bushes are sexy.

Bigger the better.

Like a badger.

Yes, yes, in a Russian hat.

I love it. Just get it.

Dude! What are you doin' here?

I'm the new assistant tennis pro.

No sh*t!

I thought you were workin' for your dad this summer.

Yeah, I was supposed to, but luckily this came along and I snagged it.

I'm happy, I'm happy to know someone around here with a decent IQ.

Or who can even spell IQ, these f*ckin' schmoes.

IQ.

IQ.

Hey, you goin' to this staff party tonight?

Most definite.

I'll see you then.

All right.

Getty. Fifty bucks says he won't shake my hand.

[clears throat]

Good morning, Mr. Getty.

Beautiful automobile you have here, sir.

Well, what is it, a Countach?

Right.

Do not park it in the sun or under a tree.

Or anywhere a bird could sh*t on it.

Yes, sir.

All right, where we gonna park it?

Uh, not in the sunshine, in a tree, or anywhere a bird might poop on it, sir.

You got it.

You got a good head on your shoulders, son.

Thank you, sir.

What's your name?

Uh, Wheeler.

Wheeler. Nice to meet ya.

I've been here for four summers, sir.

Well, then, nice to see ya.

[engine revving]

[rock music playing]

You got the poontang, but who's got the Countach?

Good morning.

Hey, Nash, you think Connors has a sh*t at winning Wimbledon?

Eh, it's hard to say.

He's not getting any younger and his net game is for sh*t.

Ever play him?

Once.

Who won?

Well, he did make me work for it.

[laughing]

Nasser.

Skip.

Who is that?

Golf pro.

Cocksucker.

So why NYU?

I don't know. It's a good school. Commute's easy.

I mean, why would you even do the whole college thing?

Why does anyone?

To get laid.

And hopefully get a job.

Well, you've got a job.

Yeah, but one I can still be doing when I'm, like, 40.

Well, I'm 38.

Yeah, but you played on the pro circuit.

Briefly.

You b*at Jimmy Connors.

When he was 12.

Excuse me, darling. We'll have two iced teas, please.

Thank you. Do you want anything else?

No? Just right away, thank you.

[sighs]

You know, I just hate to see a bright young fellow like yourself throwing away your future for an education.

And for what?

A desk job and a fax machine?

Two weeks paid vacation in Florida?

I spent the entire winter in Florida on the resort circuit getting paid to work on my tan.

So, take a look.

Compare. Look at that. Look at the difference.

I'm miles ahead of you. Mine is perfection.

Look down at my arm.

It's got a chain on it. See that?

David. Hey!

What were you looking at?

Ah, yes, a piece of ass.

You the new assistant pro?

Yeah, I'm David.

[scoffs]

What are you, about 12?

No.

I'm Doug Getty.

Wanna hit?

Excuse me?

It'll be fun for ya.

Are you asking to book a lesson?

Fine, whatever. I'll pay for the hour, okay?

Can we play already?

Okay, let me get my racket.

Good. Get your racket, David.

What are you doin'?

Hitting you balls.

You're f*cking kidding me, right?

No ball, we just play.

Okay.

Let's... let's play.

Anything specific you'd like to work on today?

My serve.

Uh, okay.

Let's start...

No, I'm saying my serve.

I'll serve.

Put the balls away. I will serve to you.

Jesus Christ.

[Billy Squier's "The Stroke"]

♪ Now everybody ♪
♪ Have you heard ♪

All right. You ready?

Here we go.

♪ Then the stroke's the word ♪
♪ Don't take no rhythm ♪
♪ Don't take no style ♪
♪ Got a thirst for killin' ♪
♪ Grab your vial and ♪

All right, I see how it is.

Let's play for real now.

Look at this. Yeah, all right. f*ck!

♪ Give a firm handshake ♪
♪ Talk to me ♪

That might drop, you don't know.

Hey, Mr. Getty, remember your follow through.

Don't talk.

I just think...

You understand what I mean? Don't talk.

When the words come out, broads.

♪ Both far and wide ♪

You fucker!

Good for you. Good for you.

This is where it turns around.

Oh! Oh, look at that.

All right, don't blame yourself. That happens.

Oh!

♪ Stroke, stroke, stroke ♪

Nice point, Mr. Getty.

Let's go.

♪ Stoke me, stroke me ♪
♪ Say you're a winner, man you do the sinnin' now ♪

f*ck!

Good game.

You have to eat.

No.

You have to.

This food is so bland it's like Army chow.

David. David. Do me a favor.

Go to the corner, get me some White Castle, will you, please?

Oh, no, don't you dare, David.

Just six.

Don't you dare.

A half a dozen doesn't hurt anybody.

Okay, your White Castle days are over.

Stop it.

When you get home...

No, when you get home, you are going on a diet, you're gonna do my Richard Simmons tapes with me, and you are not gonna be sneaking those menthols, those nasty menthols that I found in your...

All right, then.

So, how are we doing in here?

Ah, great, how are you?

Has anyone ever told you that you have the most beautiful eyes?

Okay, everything sounds great.

I'll see you in 45.

I'll see you later.

♪ [radio]

Hey! Hi.

How's your dad?

He's okay. He's just gotten so weird.

What do you mean?

Nothing.

Nothing?

Uh-huh.

I get it. My family's weird, too.

Hey, why don't we look at apartments this weekend?

Okay, I'm getting ahead of myself.

How about we just focus on tonight, and we have the best night ever, just you and me, and we'll go from there.

Interesting.

All right.

Tonight is gonna be so perfect.

[indistinct chatter]

[giggling]

Oh, hey, there's Wheeler.

Oh, those are my friends.

Um, I'll come find you later.

Bye, sweetie.

[coughing] Boba Fett?

He's a badass.

He wears cargo pants, for Christ sake.

You want badass? Try Scaramanga.

Who?

"The Man with the Golden g*n." The f*ckin' Philistines.

[laughs] You're kidding.

Which one of you is Wheeler?

Uh, the one you went to high school with.

And junior high.

I pissed on your mom's couch at your Spider Man sleepover in third grade.

No clue.

Also, our moms are best friends, dude.

You know me.

Oh, yeah. I hear you got weed.

I'll see you later.

See you later, dude.

Maybe, maybe not.

How much you need?

Just a dime.

I can help you out. Hold this, Alan.

Nice.

sh*t better not be all stems and seeds.

No guarantees.

How's Misty, dude?

Not my f*ckin' problem anymore.

You two broke up?

Wow, I'm... I'm really sorry.

I'm not. [laughs]

Alan.

Yeah.

Get the f*ck off my car.

Sure.

Nash: He gives them rooms and a troll wheel, and decides who does which chores.

Woman: Uh-huh. Hey, don't miss. Don't miss.

Nash: Focus, it's all in the hips.

Both: Ahh!

Nash: Boom. You sure? You had the option, tops or bottoms.

Boychick, when did you get here?

Just now.

Flying solo tonight?

No lovely Karen by your side.

No, she, yeah, she's somewhere.

She's...

Mm.

Where's your wife?

She d*ed. Yeah.

Earlier today, yes. Very sudden, very tragic.

I'm still picking up the pieces.

sh*t. I'm sorry to hear that.

Thank you.

Hi. I'm Dawn.

Oh, pardon me. Where are my manners?

Dawn is a massage therapist here.

And, uh, Kimberly waitresses in the grill.

Hi.

I thought you looked familiar.

Want to play?

I... I don't.

No, there's too many mosquitoes.

The itching and... It sucks.

No kidding. Ugh.

Little f*ckers love me.

And what do you taste like, Nash?

Cardamom and Drakkar Noir.

Keeps the skin young.

Uh, David, where are you going?

To find Karen.

Well, hang on a minute, please.

We need to have a little talk.

Caused a bit of a problem.

You know the, uh, chap you were playing tennis with earlier today?

Getty?

[gasping]

Mm. [sighs]

It can wait.

So, who wants to be the bedroom wife?

You know, I'm getting really into crystals.

Really?

You can, like, put 'em on your body, and sort of do things to your energy.

I heard about that.

Kind of like the healing powers of different crystals.

Right?

Yeah.

Oh, there you are.

Honey.

Hi.

Barry, this is my boyfriend David.

Hey, buddy.

Barry here is a freelance photographer who sh**t all the weddings and bar mitzvahs here.

Obviously, it's not why I went to art school.

Working here pays my condo fees and that ain't bad.

Heats my "Jacuzz," let's me pursue my real passion.

Magic?

No, bro.

Fashion photography. Matter of fact, I've been trying to convince Goldie Locks here to pose for me sometime.

She is really beautiful, isn't she?

Yeah, no sh*t, Sherlock, she's f*cking "georgeous."

I'll talk to you guys later.

Nice to meet you, Doug.

David.

Big whoop.

Magic. Really?

That guy? That guy is so full of sh*t.

What, now you don't think I'm pretty enough to model?

Not stupid enough to believe that line.

Barry is just a friend.

Who wants you to wear his balls like clay mask.

Perv.

Mm.

Never seen you so jealous before.

Did someone bring his putter?

Nine wood.

Try six.

Move out of the way. Move it!

Hey, Misty.

What's goin' on up there in that tree?

It's a wicked party, huh?

Everyone's having a very good time.

No offense, but I kinda wanted to be alone.

I'm sorry, but I cannot allow a woman as beautiful as yourself to be sitting all alone up in that tree.

I'm coming up to sit on that other branch.

[grunting]

Ow! Ow!

f*ck it.

I'm physically not able to be with you.

Why do I know you?

I was your Driver's Ed partner.

Oh, my God.

I'm sorry.

What a total ditz I am, yeah.

Nah. It was a long time ago.

Feels like a lifetime.

Yeah.

I was still brunette then.

And I was still fat.

[laughing]

You're funny.

I remember that.

You want to go to my car, smoke some marijuana with me?

Yeah, get me out of this tree.

I got you.

You have really nice legs, by the way.

Oh, my God. [laughs]

[gasps] Oh, my God.

[gasps] Are you okay?

Oh.

I'm fine.

I'm... I'm better now.

What are you thinking about?

I hope nothing crawls up my ass.

Be serious, please.

I'm not thinking about anything.

Your mind's a total blank?

Yeah.

It's taken some effort, but, yeah.

Kinda diggin' it.

I'm thinkin' I should do it more often.

Not think?

Mm-hmm.

Just, you know, be.

[sighs]

Do you want to know what I was thinking about?

Well, I was imagining when you're done at NYU, and we both have good jobs, and a cute little place together, garbage disposal, curtains, maybe even a cat, and I was thinking... oh, my God, we could be members here one day.

And that would be perfect.

[inhaling] Did he give you a reason?

Yeah, he said he wasn't ready for the real thing.

Whatever that means.

Douchier version of it's not you, it's me.

See, you're just assuming it means he wants to screw other people.

That, too.

I know you don't want to hear this right now, but I think you're better off.

He's a d*ck.

Always has been.

You deserve better.

Thanks.

God, look at him.

He doesn't even see me.

He's such a tool.

He won't let me eat pizza.

Says it'll make me look fat in my bathing suit.

I don't know what it has to do with saving people.

I don't even know if he knows CPR.

I think he cheated on the test.

He just looks at himself in the mirror when we have sex.

He's never once looked into my eyes.

What are you doing?

Taking this thing for a spin.

For old time's sake. Driver's Ed class.

Oh, my God!

What are you doing? Oh, my God.

I don't know, maybe... Oh, my God!

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

Mike, you're running away from your feelings!

assh*le!

f*ck you, Wheeler!

Karen, put your clothes on, you slut.

Dude, this summer's gonna be awesome.

Love you, bitch!

Whoo!

I read a book about Buddha, who, turns out, wasn't like the Chinese Santa, but actually this skinny Indian dude.

Anyways, Buddha believed life is basically a big wheel of suffering.

A merry-go-round we're all stuck on.

Wow.

I just keep thinkin' about my dad.

I love both my parents. They're so different.

How did they meet?

How did they get together?

They had to be happy once, right?

The only thing is, we're not really stuck on the merry-go-round.

It's just an illusion. We stay on it by choice.

'Cause most people are just too scared to get off.

We had a good time at mini putt, did we not?

But you're married.

Don't be so provincial, darling.

In many cultures, it is customary for a man to take several wives.

In fact, in my own home country, the role of wife number two is held in considerable esteem, as you would be exempt from many menial household duties.

That's not gonna be us. We're so much alike, and we want the exact same things.

We're made for each other.

You can get off, Misty. Tonight. Right now.

All you've gotta do is take a chance.

Do something totally spontaneous.

[water splashing]

Whoa. You're cool.

[chanting]

[screaming]

♪

Ahh.

There he is.

Nash.

Having fun?

Ah, epic.

Yeah? Good.

Epic. I mean, look at that.

You might want to take it a bit easy with that.

You know that little problem that I mentioned earlier?

Uh, Getty?

Yes, Getty.

Really should have finished my thought earlier, but, uh, the arousals were overwhelming.

He's the president of the club, and, well, he unfortunately thinks that your game is not strong enough for you to be employed here.

Wait, wait, are you kidding me?

I... I b*at him.

He said he got three games off you.

Yeah, because I let him.

He was such a sore f*cking loser, I felt sorry for him.

Mm-hm.

He wants me to fire you.

Well... well don't. Don't... Please, don't.

Okay, Nash, I... I need this job.

I can't spend the summer working for my dad.

Well, I won't have any choice if you don't wipe the court with him.

I mean it. He can't hit a single game off of you.

Not one.

What do you mean?

I got him to agree to a rematch.

All you have to do is defeat him six-nil, and you get to keep your job.

When?

Tomorrow morning.

Actually, in four hours.

So, you know, shake it off, or you're f*cked.

Coffee?

Looks like your boy is a no show.

Let's just give him a few more minutes.

See, this is exactly what I'm talkin' about, Nasser.

It's not skills the kid is lacking, it's maturity. It's respect for the game, it's respect for people. The kid's a punk.

No, the kid's a punk, he doesn't belong here.

He should be working a fry station at McDonald's.

That's a great shirt, by the way.

What the f*ck are you talkin' about?

Matches your wristband.

Good morning, gentlemen.

Jesus Christ.

There he is.

Here. Drink this.

[coughing] What is this?

Hair of the dog. Absolut and Gatorade.

[sighs] Can't do it, man.

I'm hurting so bad. I can't do it.

David, you are going to f*cking do it.

Why, Nash? Why do you care?

Dt-dt-dt-dt! Don't.

Look, I'm building up to something, don't betray my motivational speech.

Okay.

I suppose you remind me of myself when I was your age.

I mean, you're more of a white person.

Clearly less well endowed from what I can see through those delicate shorts.

But gifted. Not of heart, not of hustle.

Also, none of the other applicants I interviewed would agree to the shitty split you accepted on the hourly rate.

60/40? Oh, Jesus, what a schmuck. Oy!

Now, go get 'em, tiger.

Get the balls.

♪
♪ Lost on some bad road to the river ♪
♪ Lying in bed for a week ♪
♪ I heard a voice say tonight by the river ♪
♪ You will find something unique ♪
♪ In my dreams you are looking for me ♪
♪

♪ Out in the streets you can hear church bells ringing ♪
♪ Voices cry out from below ♪
♪ What saves us from death is the song that they're singing ♪
♪ Fear is beginning to show ♪
♪ We were praying for a miracle ♪
♪

♪

f*ck!

I'll get it back from you in a week or two.

You.

You got better in the last 24 hours.

Uh, just luckier.

Mm, mm, mm. Don't do that.

What?

Don't play modest. It's patronizing.

Listen, if you b*at a man, you may piss him off, but he'll respect you.

But if you patronize him, then what happens is you've made an enemy.

And believe me when I tell you, you do not want me as an enemy.

Yeah.

Ask around.

That was fan-f*cking-tastic!

You were incredible out there, kid, come here.

You should be very proud of yourself.

I never doubted you for a second.

Even when you hit those three straight volleys into the net, you kept your cool, you persevered.

God, by the end you were like a silk blouse dancing on a clothesline.

[laughs] Poetry in motion.

What's this?

Oh, this?

This is your cut of the winnings.

You bet on the match?

I bet on the match. $500 a game.

You just made me three grand.

Come here.

Ahh!

I'm getting you drunk on Harvey Wallbangers tonight, my friend.

Now, go ahead and get cleaned up, you're disgusting.

Okay.

Get a move on.

And brush your teeth.

Hey. What are you reading?

"Delta of Venus". How is it?

For erotica, surprisingly boring.

I'm David.

I know.

And you are?

[sighs]

You're not gonna tell me your name?

No.

Why not?

More fun to make you work for it.

Okay, how about this? Uh, tell me your name, and I'll give you a free tennis lesson.

I hate tennis.

Then what are you doing here?

I was curious if you were any good.

Well, and I wanted to watch you b*at him.

You know that assh*le?

Oh, yeah, he's my father.

See you around.

David.

[Roger Hodgson's "Had a Dream (Sleeping with the Enemy)"]

♪ Had a dream ♪
♪ I was born ♪
♪ To be naked in the eye of the storm ♪
♪ And now it's standing right in front of me ♪
♪ What's it gonna do to me ♪
♪ Who knows ♪
♪ Had a dream ♪
♪ It was time ♪
♪ To be taken to the front of the line ♪
♪ Well, that is not a place you wanna be ♪
♪ Sleeping with the enemy ♪
♪ You know ♪
♪ I don't care ♪
♪ What the future brings ♪
♪ Give a damn ♪
♪ About anything ♪
♪ I'd be fine ♪
♪ If they'd only leave me alone ♪
♪ But it's time ♪
♪ Gotta take a stance ♪
♪ 'Cause I won't ♪
♪ Get a second chance ♪
♪ And I know ♪
♪ Now I have to make it alone ♪