02x06 - Kimmewah Kup

[bunniefuu]

Okay, so I left you all the milk you could possibly need...

Got it.

And there's an extra day in case there's a power outage and we can't get back for some reason.

Oh, like a "World w*r Z" situation.

No, listen to me, if there's a "World w*r Z" situation, head to the coast and I will send word.

Mags, relax.

Me and Char-toons are gonna be fine.

You go have a great girls' weekend at the lake with Emma. You deserve it.

Thank you, buddy.

Now, is there enough room in here for me?

No, but you know where there is enough room for you...

All right.

What?

I was gonna say my heart.

Sure you were.

No, I wasn't.

No, you weren't.

[laughs]

Okay.

[both giggling]

Here, let me take these.

So what's the deal with this Kimmewah place anyway?

Oh, it is the best.

The best.

Yes.

Have you ever heard of the best?

My family has a cabin up there and Mags and I would just, like, pack up and go for the entire summer.

Yeah, sharing dreams, slapping skeeters...

Yeah, a lot of makeovers.

A little bit.

Man, I'm jealous.

I love being in the woods.

Oh, well, too bad you can't come.

Oh, I'm gonna miss you.

Me too but I gots Shabbats.

Oh, by the way, I also gots...

Not to be cheesy or anything.

What?

I made you a mixtape.

Oh, my God. This is so old school.

I know.

Oh, I love it.

[baby talking]

We used to be like that.

Nope.

Nope.

Not at all.

Okay, guys.

You know what? We are... We gotta go.

Yeah.

Bye-bye.

I'm ticklish.

I know.

We gotta go.

I gotta go. I gotta go.

I gotta go.

I gotta go.

I'm literally gonna go right now.

[upbeat music]

♪♪

[mumbling]

Oh, God. She's really going.

Okay.

Okay, Maggie!

Maggie! Maggie!

[Say Hi's "Back before We Were Brittle" playing]

♪Hey, remember when ♪
♪All of time stood still ♪
♪Ooh, do do do do ♪
♪Back before we were brittle ♪
♪Back before we were brittle ♪

Man, you and Rabby D were really giving each other the business back there, huh?

I know. I don't know what it is but I just cannot get enough of that guy.

I feel like I haven't seen you in weeks.

That's why this weekend we are gonna be getting back to basics.

It's gonna be epic.

Oh, yeah.

Okay, 'cause I brought some weird twisty curlers.

And I also got a Caboodles full of eye makeup with Bonnie Bell lip smackers.

Yes! Can I give you a party perm?

You absolutely can.

Yes!

Oh, and for our viewing pleasure...

Mm-hmm.

I packed "Terms of E."

Oh, love it.

Then we're gonna bring it up with a little "Fried Greens-to-the T."

Oh.

And then "Hope Floats" with Sandy B.

Yes.

So good.

Does somebody die in that one?

They die in all of them.

Good.

Hey, press play on that.

I made us a playlist.

Oh, you know what, that reminds me.

I gotta listen to that mixtape that Dan made me.

Wasn't that sweet?

Oh, okay.

I just... I thought we were gonna harmonize.

You know, 'cause you bring the little "hee" and I bring a little "ho."

But I just gotta listen to this first in case he asks about it.

Emma, can we not?

What?

This sweet nav system says we got two more hours to go, so there's plenty of time to listen to both.

[jam band music]

Okay, no, no, no.

I don't think I can listen to this.

Is this Phish?

Maybe.

Dan's really into jam bands.

Jam bands?

I'm kind of getting into it.

Are you also taking psychotropic dr*gs and setting fires in the desert?

Dan has really opened my eyes about some of these songs.

Uh-huh. Uh-huh.

You know?

It can be very soulful.

And sensual.

Mm-hmm.

Sensual?

Yeah?

You're doing it to the jam bands?

Is that what you're telling me?

Well, no, no. Weirdly enough, at night, he prefers "Two Princes" by the Spin Doctors.

Oh, that's an odd choice.

Don't knock it. It's very athletic.

You know? Mm-mm.

Mm. Mm.

Mm-mm. "That's what I said now."

This is gonna be a long drive.

[laughs]

[folk music]

♪ We're at the lake We're at the lake ♪

both: ♪ We're at the lake We're at the lake ♪

♪We're at the lake ♪
♪We're at the lake 鈾

both: We're at the lake!

Oh, my God, oh, my God.

Yes!

[gasps]

[laughs]

Oh, my God. Look at this place.

Oh, it smells exactly the same.

It's like old cedar mixed with sunscreen...

Yes, and a little bit of bourbon.

Oh, the smell of our youth.

Oh, my God! What is this jammer?

A half-done jigsaw puzzle?

How long you been working on this?

Three summers. And, hey, don't touch it 'cause I'm almost done with the spokes on that wagon wheel.

Why don't I just buy you a painting of a wagon wheel?

Well, I have a present for you first.

What?

Please close your eyes.

Oh, God. This cannot be good.

Oh, what!

[shouts]

Oh, my God!

Our old hats from the Kimmewah Kup? Are you kidding me?

It's this weekend and I entered us to race.

Shut your face.

And guess who we're going up against.

No, not the Custerman twins.

Oh, yeah, the Custerman twins.

Those dirty little cheats are still around?

What else have they got to do?

Nothing. Except for eat their own asses as we feed it to them.

Would you like some ketchup with your asses?

Whoo! That said, I have RSVP'd yes to their cocktail party later today.

We're not animals.

But first, get your suit on 'cause last one to the water's edge is the most rotten of eggs.

Uh, you know what? I'm not really feeling up for a swim.

Oh, really?

Psych!

You little rat.

[upbeat music]

Oh, man, this is gonna be good.

Hey Emma, you think should wear this?

[humming gibberish]

[laughs]

What are you wearing?

Wear-a-wear-life-raft.

Dan, you gotta see this.

Oh, no, no!

What are you doing? I'm in a tankini two-piece, man.

Yeah, but it's just Dan.

I know, but he hasn't even seen me in my shorts.

Oh, just say hi.

Hi, Dan. Wish you were here.

Hi, Maggie.

Why don't you have your suit on?

I thought we were going swimming.

What? I just wanted to show Dan the water's edge.

Just give me two secs, okay?

Oh, my God, I love your mix CD so much.

Maggie loved it too. She was like, "Oh, my God, I love it so much."

[laughs]

Really?

One more look. [laughs]

[folk music]

♪♪

Oh, look at all these unsuspecting victims.

Yeah, I can't wait to slowly pedal my paddle boat right up their asses.

All right, easy, k*ller.

Yes.

But P.S., how refreshing is this lemonade?

It's so refreshing.

You know, there's not too much pulp but not no pulp.

No, you know what it is?

I venture to say it's the perfect ratio of pulp to juice.

Cheers.

Cheers.

Oh, no. There they are.

Uch.

The Custerman twins.

Ew, are they both double-dipping the guac?

That's double double-dipping.

Hey, are they still living together, those two jerks?

They have side-by-side townhouses overlooking the Charles.

Oh, I mean, who lives together into their late 30s?

I know.

It's pathetic.

Well...

I mean, well, at least we have a baby.

Yeah, that's true.

You know?

Oh, no, no, no.

Don't look. Don't look. Oh, God. Oh, God. Oh, God.

Both: Ladies.

Hello, Ronnie. Conrad.

Great to see you enjoying your 'ades.

Excuse me?

What?

Lemon...

Ades.

Yeah.

That's right.

We took our childhood lemonade stand and turned it into a multi-million dollar company.

You're drinking it right now.

Ew.

Hey, why don't you guys, later on tonight, swing by the cabin and we can test-drive the new jacuz.

That's French for "jacuzzi."

Which is Italian for "hot tub."

You know what, I have this feeling that we're gonna be good and we'll remain good for all of time.

Yeah.

So I'm gonna pencil that in as a maybe.

That's gonna be a no.

I wouldn't.

Maybe.

That is a hard maybe.

It's the softest no you'll ever feel.

Both: Hmm.

Okay.

So you gals gonna get your pom-poms and cheer us on at the Kimmewah Kup tomorrow?

[laughs]

We're actually gonna be cheering beside you for ourselves as we b*at your asses.

(both) Hmm.

We probably won't notice 'cause we're gonna be too busy...

Both: Twinning!

Oh, because you always...

both: Cheat!

Ow.

Hmm.

And you've met your match this year.

Yeah.

Because the Dream Team has been reunited.

Where is that?

And I don't know if you can see, but I've been working these calves out.

Right? Can you see the definition through the jeans?

Can't see through the jeans.

Nope.

Do you wanna do this?

This is calf power.

Do you wanna go with this?

Feel it, feel it.

Do you wanna get involved in this, guys?

Okay, I don't wanna get aggressive, but hold on one second. So sorry. Keep looking at me.

What's happening? Did you get a cramp?

It's Dan. Oh, I gotta take it.

Right now? In the middle of... We're smoking them.

I'll be right back, okay.

Sorry, guys, it's my boyfriend, and he's a rabbi, so...

Ooh.

Seriously?

Hey, Dan.

Uh-oh.

A little trouble in paradisio?

Don't worry about us. We're right as rain.

You're gonna need to be as right as rain, 'cause if you wanna b*at us you gotta be...

Both: In sync.

Can't touch this.

What was that?

That was like the worst choreography I've ever seen.

Do you even know how to body roll?

Okay. There you go.

Ugh.

Can you... oh, my God.

What is going on with you?

I don't know, maybe I'm having trust issues, 'cause you left me hanging with the Custerman wieners.

God, I said I was sorry, all right?

And I promise, the rest of the night is about you, me, and these 13-year-olds on YouTube teaching us how to do a smoky eye.

God bless their absentee mothers.

All right, now what is the plan for tomorrow?

So we're gonna get up early.

We're gonna prep the boat.

Done and done.

And then we're gonna brush and braid each other's hair, and then we'll relax by hitting the old jiggy puzz.

Oh, what if I were to braid your hair while you were doing your jigsaw puzzle?

Now you're talking jazz.

Yeah!

[laughter]

[phone rings]

Oh, it's Dan. That's weird.

Oh, is it weird?

You're not gonna get it though.

Oh, no, I'm just gonna let it go to voicemail, so...

All right.

There we go.

Oh, my God, what if we were to do a dramatic smoky eye for the race, like as part of our uniform?

My God, that's the fiercest thing you've ever said to me.

Ooh, girl!

You're welcome.

[phone rings] God. Ugh.

I'm sorry, I just hope it's not an emergency.

What kind of emergency could it be, like a rabbinical sex emergency?

No, I just... I'm just gonna take it real quick.

Really?

Yep.

Hey, Dan.

Okay.

Hey, is everything okay?

Oh, I wish you were here too.

"Wish you were here."

Wait a second. No, you didn't!

I'm here.

Ahhhh!

Oh, my God, Maggie, he's here!

What a surprise!

[chuckles]

So, I mean, that was Red Rocks.

And Dave Matthews closed off the set with this incredible version of "Watchtower."

Oh.

It was on the mix that I...

Yes. Oh, my God, it was so good.

Remember, Maggie?

Oh, yeah, God, I am just so glad that somebody recorded it.

Mm-hmm.

Yeah.

So, Dan, are you staying the whole weekend or are you driving back?

Oh, no, he's gonna stay the weekend, right?

I don't know.

Yes!

I don't want to barge in on you guys.

I just... Maggie kept saying that she wishes I was here.

Oh, I did.

I did say... Did I say that?

Yeah.

But I don't wanna mess with your guys' flow.

I will do whatever you guys do.

Well, right now we're doing smoky eyes.

I don't think he wants that.

Well, he said he wants to do whatever we're doing, and that's what we're doing, so...

Actually, I have been told that I'd make an attractive woman.

Okay.

Oh, great!

So first step is mascara.

Okay, please don't put mascara on my boyfriend.

No, I don't mind.

He said he wanted to do it, so...

He's just being polite, so...

He does wanna do it.

No, he doesn't.

He wants to. I'm gonna put mascara on your boyfriend!

Oh.

Um, I'm sorry.

Uh...

[laughter]

That was obviously a joke.

I'm not gonna put mascara on your boyfriend.

Yeah, okay.

Well, you know what, actually, we should all just hit the hay, 'cause, you know, I wanna get up with the sun as I love to do, you know?

No, you don't. [laughs]

What?

Oh, my God, I get up early all the time.

I'm always doing my sun salutations.

I'm trying to remember when the last time you got up early was, and I think it was when that sick bat flew into your window.

Oh, no. Were you hurt?

No, I was a little scared.

Scared? It was... The bat was scared.

I wish I was there. I woulda gotten rid of that bat.

You know what, fine, you guys, why don't you just go talk about that sick bat in your bed?

Are you sure?

Yeah, we'll just get up fresh and early for boat prep in the morning, right?

Absolutely.

All right.

Okay.

Pancakes.

Oh, pancakes! That'd be great.

Good night!

Night, guys.

Don't!

All right, um... guess I'll just dive into "Fried Greens-To-The-T" and see what old Idgie Threadgoode is up to.

[Spin Doctors' "Two Princes" plays]

Come on!

♪ Yeah, one, two prince kneel before you ♪
♪That's what I said now ♪
♪Princes, princes who adore you ♪

Oh. Oh!

You mad at that boat?

Yeah, why do you hate that boat?

I'm just preparing it for the race tomorrow, friends.

Well, you might want to check the underside, 'cause, uh...

There's a whole lot of starboard oxidation.

And a ton of dorsal rot.

Goo!

You know what, why don't you guys work on your own boat?

'Cause we're working on...

both: These vessels...

Right now.

Let me see your abs.

Uh...

You know what?

Not at liberty to show you those right now.

Yeah, that's a no-fly zone, sister.

Tell you what though, we're gonna be hanging out a little bit later, taking a nice long soak in the cooze.

You might want to stop by.

We'll throw in some 'ades.

Okay, stop saying "'ades," Connie.

Uh, it's Conrad. Don't call me "Connie."

And don't call me "Ronrad."

God. [beep]

Hut!

Ronnie: There she is, looking good.

Like we knew she would.

Ew. Hey, morning, sailor!

Hey.

I'm so sorry we overslept.

Yeah, what happened?

Oh, we just were, uh... we were tired.

Yeah.

[chuckles] So...

Hey, come on, grab your hiking boots, 'cause I promised Dan we'd take him on a hike.

What?

Yeah.

You hate hiking.

I love to hike.

Since when?

What are you talking about? I hiked all the time in China.

Remember that Great Wall of China? I've hiked that.

You didn't though.

Well, listen, we don't have to hike right now.

We can go anytime today.

Yeah, we have a lot of work to do on the boat, 'cause there's, like, starboard and oxidation with the dorsals.

Why don't we just get this baby in the water, see if it floats?

Fine.

Fine?

Fine. both; Fine!

See? Everything's fine.

All right, so you wanna take these calves for a practice lap?

All right, yeah.

Oh, wait, you know what, there's only two seats.

I feel bad. Dan, you get in.

Oh, no.

No, no, no, I insist.

No, no, no, no.

I insist, get on in there.

Come on now.

Really?

Just get in. You're gonna love it.

Just... Okay. Hey, hey.

Okay.

Nobody wants this.

What?

Emma, you get in.

Oh, are you sure?

I'm sure, uh-huh.

Okay, all right.

Hey.

There we go.

There we go.

All right!

Hey!

Whoo.

See, Mags, she rides like a dream, just like the old days.

I see that.

Feels good.

Looking good.

[chuckles]

You're doing really good.

Hey, you guys gonna come back or...

Emma: Whoo!

No? You're just gonna paddle away.

[chuckles]

A kiss on the lake, right?

Just like "The Notebook."

I hate that movie.

[gentle music]

[sighs]

♪♪

Okay, got the syrup.

Give me that sweet, sweet syrup.

How was the lake?

Oh, my God, you are not gonna believe what we saw.

The loon.

Oh, my God. I've always wanted to see her.

I know.

What does she sound like?

[imitating loon]

Oh, that was her!

I know.

Did you get a picture?

Well, I was gonna, but then Dan said it would have disturbed her.

You never want to frighten a mother in her natural habitat.

I learned that the hard way.

Yeah, I'm so glad that no one is gonna have that special moment except for the two of you.

Yeah.

Oh, yeah.

What's, uh... What's going on here?

Oh, we finished the puzzle.

Ta-da!

Dan's really good at puzzles.

Well, you had it mostly done, I just sort of quickly finished in the rest.

Okay.

I've just been working on that puzzle for three summers.

No big deal.

I'm sorry, let me just break it up and...

Ahh! What are you doing?

I've been working on that for three years!

Okay, Maggie, Maggie, I have to speak to you outside for a second.

Excuse me. We'll just be right back.

God!

What is your problem? You owe Dan an apology.

For what? He's the one that messed up the puzzle I've been trying to finish for three years.

Okay, that is way too long to be working on a puzzle.

That means you're bad at puzzles.

It was just supposed to be us, okay?

I didn't give up a whole weekend with Charlotte just so you could hang out with your dumb boyfriend.

What are we supposed to do, ask him to leave?

Yeah, would you? I didn't think so.

You know what, so I'll just take the boat out and hang out with my best friend, the loon.

Maggie!

[imitating loon]

I don't think you should be bringing that angry energy her way.

Where's the boat?

What are you talking about, where's the boat?

Did you tie it up?

Did you and Dan tie it up after your lovers' paddle?

Yes, of course.

On a scale of one to ten...

Shut up.

Oh, my God, there's got to be another way.

Why do we have to do this?

Well, unless you have another way for us to get our paddle boat, this is our only option.

Both: Ladies.

[sighs]

Ew.

Can I interest anyone in some frozen grapes?

Both: No!

Always, my brother.

Get up in it, my brother.

How long is this gonna take?

We'll be more than happy to fetch your boat once we're done with our soak.

Okay, well, my boyfriend doesn't know where we are, so...

Maybe check up his butt, 'cause that's where you've been all weekend.

Excuse me?

Whose butt are we talking about?

Her boyfriend.

Okay, you don't like Dan. Why don't you just say it?

It's you I don't like right now.

Why?

'Cause you're acting like a completely different person.

Oh, my God.

"Hey, guys!

"I love to go on hikes!

"And, ooh, I love to wake up with the sun.

"And have you heard this jam band?

I think it's Phish, my favorite."

That's very hurtful.

But it's remarkably spot-on.

It is painfully accurate.

The thing I don't understand is why you're full steam ahead with Rabbi Dan when just last week you were on the couch trying to jump Mark's bones.

Okay.

Whose bones are we talking about?

Her ex-boyfriend.

Okay, we were just playing video games.

Oh, since when do you play video games like this?

That's not what we were doing!

Stop it! We weren't like this!

I can promise we were not like that.

You were more like this.

Oh, that's how we were?

[indistinct]

This is just how I pictured it.

We're fully clothed!

Both: Exactly.

Can you just take us to our boat, please?

It looks like you're paddling in different directions here.

Oh, you would love it if we didn't have our boat, because then we would forfeit and you would win.

Actually, uh, that's not what it's about for us this year.

Yeah.

Our dad d*ed on Christmas morning.

Guys, we had no idea. I'm sorry.

Oh, my God, I loved Bing. He was such an incredible man.

What a loss.

It's a huge loss.

That's why we set up a scholarship fund in his name, and tomorrow we race in his honor.

Oh, my gosh.

I'm just glad that we have this lemonade to hold onto.

Oh!

That's okay.

It happens all the time.

Oh, is that why it's so sticky in here?

Mm-hmm. Yeah.

Yep.

[folk music]

We're not racing tomorrow.

So no one has to get up with the sun, unless that's what they love to do.

Come on, Maggie.

Hey, we can't b*at the twins because of their dead dad.

Okay, well, at least let me wash your clothes.

They've covered in lemonade and cooze water.

Ugh!

Are you guys...

Did you guys k*ll someone's father?

It's a long story.

I shouldn't have come.

No.

No, it was a girls' weekend. I shoulda known that.

No, no, no, it's my fault.

I didn't know how important it was for Maggie that this be just the two of us this weekend.

But also, I, uh...

I haven't been completely honest with you.

Okay.

I'm just gonna rip the Band-Aid off.

Um... [clears throat]

I hate hiking.

I never, ever wake up with the sun.

And I think jam bands suck.

Like, they're the worst.

Wow.

I'm sorry.

I guess I just, I didn't want to mess things up by being myself.

Well, I want you to be yourself.

I actually like yourself.

Really?

Yeah.

Okay. I'm sorry.

Okay?

Mm-hmm.

[folk music]

And I'm gonna change your mind about the jam bands too.

No, you will not.

Yeah.

Mm, I think I'm gonna.

No!

You know what, I'm gonna make you another mix CD.

Right now?

Yeah, do you have an old tape deck?

No.

Emma: Don't be crazy. This looks so good.

Oh, she's coming. Shh, shh, shh.

Hey, what are you guys doing?

I told you I don't wanna race.

Oh, I know. We just had to do one thing.

You know, it's bad luck to have a boat without a name, so...

[Emma chuckles]

"The Charlotte."

Oh, my God, Em!

And it was all Dan's idea, so he can take full credit.

I told you I liked him.

Okay.

Come here.

[all laughing]

Hey, Mags, I know we can't win, but what if we were to get in this paddle boat, just the two of us, and have a good time?

Are you game?

Yeah, let's go not kick some butts.

Okay.

And I'm bringing Chardonnay.

I don't give a sh*t.

Get in here.

[cheers and applause]

Mmm.

Hey, you better stop pumping those calves, or we might accidentally win.

I'm sorry, there's just so much raw power in them that once I get them engaged, it's hard to slow them down.

I get that.

I'll do my best.

[phone rings]

Oh, it's Dan, but I'm not gonna answer it.

No, get it.

You sure?

Yeah.

Okay.

Hey, Dan, you're on speaker, so don't be weird.

No, this is kinda weird.

I'm standing next to someone you might know, Mr. Bing Custerman.

Wait, the twins' father? But he's...

Both: He's dead.

Afraid not.

I checked, no one's holding him up.

It's not a "Weekend at Bernie's" situation.

[scoffs]

I see.

So they lied.

Those dirty rats, they cheated.

All right, there's only one thing to do.

Wait, Mags, the finish line is that way.

Yeah, I'm not aiming for the finish line.

Oh, God.

I know it isn't right, but I can't stop pumping these calves!

Keep pumping!

What are you doing? No!

[both imitating loon]

They're coming straight for us!

Ram 'em!

Both: Kimmewah!