02x02 - Sex, Lies and the Sanctuary

[bunniefuu]

Previously on Awkward...

You want another chance?

I won't screw up again.

I came with Jake.

But you can stay with me.

I should wash my mouth out. I puked in the sink.

I'm all in.

This came in the mail for you.

With the new year came freedom.

I had a boyfriend who was happy to be seen with me in direct sunlight.

And I had to say it felt good to have an open relationship.

Not open in a creepy, polyamorous way, just public.

Oh, no, man, look at that!

Something's going down at the sanctuary.

Check it out.

Bad news, dudes.

We've been TMZed.

How long has that been recording?

I don't know.

Last time I clocked the security camera, it was pointed at the football field.

Can you imagine all the scandalous stuff that's been caught on tape?

Including my secret relationship with Matty McKibben.

[Whistles and cheers]

I am barely over my su1c1de stigma.

I can't be known as the girl who hooked up on tape.

If you got down and dirty in that hellhole, you have more to worry about than your image.

The sanctuary is the slutty vag*na of Palos Hills.

Total petri dish.

It is so gonna suck when you get expelled.

Thanks for piling on my freakout.

Who gives a [bleep] if someone stole the footage from the sanctuary?

It's not like it's gonna ruin your reputation when it goes viral.

Everybody already knows you're a slut.

The tape is going public?

No!

Oh, my God... [Pained sob]

If these happy sacs are gonna be webified, I'm gonna need to be compensated.

I won't be on that tape.

Kinda hard to get in trouble when you're uber-boring and have no secrets.

It's a good day to be Asian.

But not a good day to be me.

Now I have to tell Jake about Matty before he finds out the hard way.

I have to get more info on this footage.

I seriously doubt they picked up anything on that sanctuary cam. It's so dark, I'm sure all you can see are shadowy figures.

Probably not faces, right? No faces?

Yeah, I guess. I know it's in the past, and I told Jenna that it doesn't bother me, and I don't want it to bother me, but it kinda does.

Get to the point. Any point, please.

Jenna told me she's not a virgin.

She's not?

No.

Did you sleep with her?

No!

Well, I mean... not yet. You know.

That has nothing to do with you, man.

That happened before you two started going out, so... stop stressing it.

Remember that girl I lost it to?

No.

Exactly. Either do I.

[Scoffs]

Is that supposed to make me feel better?

Hey.

Hey.

Oh, hey. I gotta go to study gym.

Which is... does exist.

What was that? Did you tell him about us?

No, he told me about us.

What?

He said you slept with somebody, but for now, he doesn't know who it is.

Why'd you tell him?

That's none of your business.

It is now. That video could surface any minute.

So we can tell Jake, or he can find out with the rest of the world.

[Clears throat]

Oh, principal Cox.

Good day.

No, bad day, Ms. Marks.

If this sanctuary scandal blows up, we could all go down.

I don't want to go down.

I've been there. One minute, you're on top of the world, the next, you're butt-poppin' meth in an abandoned warehouse with a guy named rooster.

Oh... oh...

I-I need your connections to help us get this God dang tape.

Mmm, let me put on my m*rder, she wrote glasses and I will get on it.

Actually, they're just reading glasses, but when I lose my keys, I put 'em on and boom, I instantly find 'em.

'Cause you can actually see.

When you do find that tape, don't watch it, just bring it straight to me.

J, like former president Clinton and former prime minister Tony Blair, you and I have what some might call a special relationship.

Absolutely.

Okay, ha!

In this scenario, I will be prime minister Tony Blair, and you will be Clinton.

[Clears throat]

[Bad British accent] Do you know anything about this alleged sanctuary tape?

Why? Do you?

I asked you first.

No, but I was hoping you had some inside information with special friends would obviously share.

Why do you want to know?

Just curious.

And desperate to know how much time I had before I had to tell Jake.

My honeymoon was not ready to be over.

All right, the truth is I don't know anything.

I didn't even know there was a sanctuary until this morning.

Great. Well, thanks anyway.

Say hi to the wife for me.

The four of us should get together for some fondue.

Seriously, j, if you think of anyone who's in the know, just send 'em my way.

If there was anyone at P.H. who knew what was going on before anyone else, it was...

The Asians?

I'm not eating lunch with those people!

Ming, you're Chinese. They're your people!

I am in a code orange soon-to-be-red situation.

My happiness is at stake. I need to know if Matty and I are on that frikkin' tape.

How do the Asians fit into this equation?

It's no secret, they know everything about everything.

The Asians brought their earthquake kits to school a week before the last earthquake.

And they threw Elena Harvey a baby shower before she knew she was knocked up.

Asians aren't magic.

They don't have to control over everything.

Yes, they do. Why do you think our school flag has a dragon on it?

Ming, I'm not asking you to be friends with them.

It's just one lunch.

[Groans]

[Exotic eastern music]

♪

Hi, I'm...

Ming Wong.

555 Trailriders drive.

We know you.

You do?

Your parents own a sundries shop on the peninsula, and they're crazy strict.

How do you know that?

The how is not as important as the why.

Asians make up 30% of the Palos Verdes population, so it's important for us to know everything about them.

What I don't know is are you a cool Asian or a school Asian?

What are your PSAT scores?

120.

Low. You're not a school Asian.

Have you ever spring breaked in Cabo, dealt Adderall, or had an affair with the lead singer of an indie rock band?

Not a cool Asian either.

So what am I?

You're white.

Sushi?

Wow. Thanks.

Uh, I'm not a real Asian, so I don't know your name.

[Laughter]

Becca.

What can we do for you?

Do you know anyone that can get their hands on that sanctuary footage?

My friend needs to know if she's on it.

We don't stick our necks out for round eyes.

That's kinda r*cist.

No, it's not. Their eyes are round.

Yeah, but...

Now you're a r*cist.

, I'm not!

It's cool. Why do you think I changed my name to Becca from Wan Fu Win?

Because everyone's a r*cist.

I'm kidding.

[Nervous laugh]

We'll see what we can do and get back to you.

Until then, here are the answers to tomorrow's history test.

Oh, my God, this is great. Thanks.

No, thank you. You've been making us look bad.

[Laughter]

They had Sushi delivered? A-masian!

You guys, Asians are so cool!

They agreed to investigate the tape sitch and slipped me some test answers!

Thanks for the hookup. If anyone can smoke out the footage, it'll be them.

I think we lost Ming to the far east.

I feel dirty... And alive.

I feel Asian!

Kung Pao shrimp, lasagna, and potato chip chicken casserole.

Those dishes don't really go together.

Sure, they do.

They are Jenna's favorites.

[Chuckles] I guess I know our daughter a little better than you do.

My mom thought she could work her way back into my heart through my stomach.

She didn't know me at all.

What's going on here?

You're cooking, and you're not eating.

My Matty secret wasn't the only one I was keeping.

My mom and I were still harboring her secret that she wrote the letter, and I figured she should be the one to bust it out.

Mom, do you want to tell him?

Why not?

Lacey, what the hell did you do?

Jenna wanted me to tell you that I...

We're both getting perms!

[Laughs]

Guess I should have let her tell you.

When are you going to tell dad about the letter?

[Sighs] I've tried.

You don't know how hard it is to tell someone something that might break their heart.

I knew exactly how hard it was, which is why I had conveniently forgotten to tell Jake about Matty.

What about me?

You broke my heart when you wrote that letter.

And I still don't know why you wrote it.

Jenna, I was only trying to help you.

I swear.

You are unbelievable.

I'm sorry. I wish I could take it back.

Not a minute goes by that I don't regret writing it.

Tell dad about the letter, or I will.

I am done with secrets.

And I wasn't the only one.

The thr*at of the sanctuary tape being exposed ignited a school-wide pre-emptive strike.

People were spilling their secrets faster than a bunch of drunk-ass reality stars in a hot tub.

I kinda cheated on you in the sanctuary.

I did the stone 'n bone with Cici Markling.

I ate a double cheeseburger there.

Best thing I ever put in my mouth!

I made out with Matty McKibben, and he is a terrible kisser.

It didn't happen in the sanctuary, though.

I wouldn't go near that cess pit.

As pissed as I was at my mom for not divulging her secret, I was just as mad at myself for holding on to mine.

Ming, you can 86 the tape hunt.

I've decided to tell Jake.

What if it turns out you're not even on it?

It doesn't matter. Jake deserves to know.

Even if he hates me for it.

I'll tell Becca to call off the search.

[School bell rings]

I don't need the tape anymore.

I'm sorry, but that train already left the station. And you can't jump off of a moving train.

Actually, you can, but then you might break something!

I'll have that tape to you by tomorrow.

Ooo-kay.

And thanks again for the cheat sheet.

I'm not complaining, but did you know a few of those answers are wrong?

I didn't want to "red flag" you.

No one would buy it if you went from being a "c" student to full-immersion overnight.

You still only know one language.

[Speaks foreign language]

Oh...

I'm just saying I can't imagine some dude sitting through a billion hours of footage just to find a few minutes of good stuff.

What a pain in the ass.

Are you on it? Have you been cross-dressing in the sanctuary?

Yeah. Can I borrow your thong again?

As long as you hand-wash it.

You're the one obsessing, Rosati.

I can't help it.

This Jenna thing is bumming me out.

I'm really into her, man.

I just assumed she was a virgin.

You you can't be upset with Jenna for something she did before she met you.

I know.

But that's not what's driving me nuts.

It's that Jenna was in love with this other guy.

How am I supposed to compete with that?

Is she still in love with him?

I don't know.

Why would you say that?

I'm sorry.

Sorry, I gotta run.

I need to ask you something.

Have you slept with anyone else besides me?

No, but what I have or haven't done doesn't...

I love you.

Hey. Sorry it took so long.

You ready?

I was definitely ready...

To hit the nearest self-destruct button.

Do you like this song?

I like this song. I don't get it, though.

"Her kisses taste like damage."

Is he trying to say that the girl is emotionally damaged, or that she tastes like vodka and cigarettes?

[Chuckles]

Yeah. [Music stops]

Jenna, I don't like secrets!

Secrets? What secrets?

The guy you slept with.

I'm totally jealous of him. Does that sound crazy?

Yeah, I know, it does. And I'll own it.

I'm acting like a total whack job, and I don't even know who this guy is.

And you know what?

I don't wanna know.

Because you're with me now...

And that's all that matters... Right?

Okay.

[Sighs] Yeah. There.

Got that out of my system. Now I can act like a dude again.

You still have to tell him.

He doesn't want to know.

One way or another, [bleep] gets out.

And Matty said he loves you.

Which is totally [bleep] up, by the way.

How dare he do that now. What a jerk.

A jerk in love, which is why he could go rogue.

Look at all the crazy stuff I've done because of Ricky Schwartz.

The clock is ticking, Jenna, and according to Ming's new fr'asians, wait, friends who are Asians?

Yeah. The footage exists, and it's coming out today.

Today, Jenna!

This tape is a t*rror1st's backpack, and it's entering the open market of your relationship.

Well, Jake said that he wasn't interested in hearing the details of my former relationship, and I am going to take that at face value.

Yeah, well, how is Jake gonna feel when he finds out that face belongs to Matty?

You're taking the easy way out.

Maybe. But even if I am on that footage, I'm covered.

Jenna Hamilton's not on it.

The security camera was only turned around for two days.

How did you know I was getting it for Jenna?

How do I know your grandparents were born two Miles outside of the Jiangsu province, where they sustained themselves by running a fish farm?

I just do.

My grandpa said he was an engineer.

Oh. You still want this?

The only thing interesting is vice principal Highmore hooking up with some guy in a fugly snowflake tie.

Gross. I'd still love to check it out.

And should I ever need a favor?

Anything.

Not right now.

But one day in the future, Ming Fei Yen Huang.

One day.

Jenna, I've got it.

[Chuckling]

Oh, [bleep] me!

Guess what I got. Nice tie.

Isn't it a little late for snowflakes?

You didn't watch that, right, like I specifically instructed as your higher-up?

I have seen it, and it is tres scandalous.

What... what did... What did you see?

I saw things. Things that would have made a lesser woman weep.

Are you familiar with French new wave cinema?

Look, don't m*rder, she wrote me, Marks, all right?

What are you getting at?

There was a lot of shoe leather to get my hands on this thing, and I feel I'm due some respect.

Okay, come here. I'll give you anything you want.

I'm sorry, Becca, the DVD was snaked by our crazy guidance counselor.

I know. That was the plan.

I'm confused. Average student here, remember?

Attention, students, as of today, vice principal Rachel Highmore is stepping down, and guidance counselor Valerie Marks will be moving into that position.

Kudos, Ms. Marks.

Highmore was trying to stop us from parking our cars in the visitor spaces.

That bitch had to go.

You're in our circle of trust now, Ming Fei Yen Huang.

And that trust can never be broken.

Never... ever.

You're not on the tape.

Oh, thank God.

Now you can stop worrying about yourself and start worrying about me.

Hello kitty played me like her sacrificial pawn.

Whenever she got all serious, she called me by my full name!

[Shudders] It creeped my [bleep] out.

O.M.G.D.F., I think you've just been inducted into the Asian mafia!

What?

As bad as I felt for forcing Ming to roll with her homies, I had to admit I felt good.

The black cloud of scandal had lifted, and I no longer had to live in fear.

All my business was handled. [Cell phone chimes]

[Whistle blows in distance]

I got the tape from Fred Wu, and we are...

Not on it, I know.

Guess I'll see you around.

That's all you have to say?

What else is there?

You know.

I was in such a panic over the tape, I had put Matty's "I love you" in a box and shoved it into a poorly-lit corner of my mind.

So we don't have to tell Jake.

I don't want to be anyone's secret anymore.

And I don't want to keep secrets from Jake.

I really like him. He's not embarrassed of me, and he never makes me feel bad about myself.

Did I?

I'm so sorry, Jenna.

Just please don't tell Jake.

I can't lose him too.

My secrets were still in the closet.

Jake didn't want to ask, and Matty didn't want me to tell.

And my mom wasn't ready to out herself either.

So I had to ask myself, were some secrets better revealed or concealed?

[Computer chimes]

"It all depends on the secret."

What do you... mean?

"Is it your secret to tell?"

Thanks for dinner.

I made a chocolate silk pie.

Remember that road trip to Santa Fe when you were eight?

You loved this pie so much that you begged us to order one for the road?

And then you secretly ate the entire thing and threw up in the cooler.

Mom, stop. You don't have to keep bribing me with food.

I'm never gonna tell dad about the letter.

That's your secret, not mine.

Thank you.

Kevin...

I wrote that letter to Jenna.

[Knock on door]

I got your text.

But why am I coming through your back door?

Uh, for the record, that's the only back door you'll ever have access to.

Not a problem.

Thanks for bringing it up, though.

I still have P.T.S.D. from the whole Lissa situation.

D-don't... Don't say it.

B-hymen [Laughs]

So, uh, before I sweat through another shir...

Can you tell me what it was that was so important that you had to say it in person?

Do I need to sit down?

I'm gonna probably sit down.

No, I'm gonna stand.

OK, so, Jake...

I know you don't wanna know about the other guy, but I want you to know, that is, if you do want to know.

But I think you would want to know.

What I want...

Is for you to be comfortable telling me anything.

Even if it's something you think I don't want to hear.

I want to hear it.

And I think it's only fair that you know.

I'm not in love with that other guy anymore.

I am completely and totally invested in you.

♪ This life could be ♪
♪ great, spent simply... ♪

You taste like pie.

As long as I don't taste like damage.

Well, maybe a little.