02x06 - What Comes First: Sex or Love?

[bunniefuu]

Previously on Awkward...

It was another natural disaster.

My mom's BFF, Ally.

What's up, lil' bitch?

Oh, you guys haven't met.

Courtney, this is Jenna.

Ricky?

I love you.

Awesome.

I couldn't shake what was keeping me awake.

That Jake said he loved me.

I didn't say it back, and I didn't know why.

What I did know was why I loved ice cream.

It was a delicious, comforting and cruel reminder of how cold I must have seemed when I left Jake hanging.

But I never left my hoodies hanging because it was obvious I loved them.

They were versatile, good for all seasons and could hide me from the probing, late night questions I didn't wanna face.

So I didn't know how I felt.

I knew how to read a label.

The label would tell me how long it would take for my problem to go away.

Six weeks. The same amount of time it took Jake to know that he loved me.

Maybe I did know.

But I didn't realize it yet.

Because it was too soon.

And that was okay.

Nobody falls in love overnight.

It happened overnight.

I'm in love.

Or maybe they do.

I can't believe my best friend is in love and engaged!

And what do you mean by "it happened overnight"?

Considering that ally's longest relationship was with nicotine, her spontaneous engagement seemed a bit sketch.

Details. We want them all.

Dan. That's his name.

You were always so good with Dans.

I'm not clear on exactly what, but the man is flush.

And the man drives a Porsche with a personalized license plate that says--

"Dan the man"?

Yes! Good guess.

It was educated.

If the dude wanted to marry Ally, he had to have questionable taste.

Don't judge, lil' bitch.

Be grateful that your future uncle in law can afford to surgically pack your cans since nature's not going to.

Love him already.

So, two weeks ago, while I was visiting my folks, I was working down at the beach club while I pretended to look for a job.

Meanwhile, Dan was pretending to work out while he made it his job to watch me sweat.

[Both chuckle]

And then you got to know him and he said he loved you and while you weren't sure how you felt at first, you soon realized that he was the best guy you ever met?

No. Then we went to Paris and he put a 4.6 karat rock on my finger. Bam!

He took you to Paris?

And he gave me his black Amex.

So when did you know you loved him?

I don't know. In the airport?

I can't remember all the details.

Can't you just be happy for me?

Jenna, we saw that.

It was a supportive eye roll, because now you don't have to get a job.

I know!

I don't know, I just didn't say it back.

So you left Jake hanging?

No, I kissed him.

Okay, this is promising. And then?

And then I might have said, "awesome."

Holy pulled goalie.

Exactly, it was pre-emotional ejaculation.

No, saying "awesome" on the heels of an ily is the equivalent of knocking someone up with heartache.

Or peeing in their face.

Which you wouldn't know, tinkle-bell.

That's right.

I have an expl*sive bladder.

It has a mind of its own so step away or I might spray you.

Okay, think fast.

Imagine I'm an unhinged, over-medicated hair stylist and I'm about to mow down your mane that you've been growing since the fourth grade unless you answer this question honestly.

Are you in love with Jake?

One. Two.

It's not that I don't feel something.

It's just that I'm not sure I feel "it".

You're not in love.

Don't be so tentative.

Grab 'em!

I like it when you take charge.

And I like it when you don't speak.

Oh, you're such a woman.

Pipe down and feel me up.

I can't stop thinking about you.

And you can't tell me you don't feel what's happening between us.

Oh, I can.

And if you'd shut up, I might let it out to breathe.

This isn't just some sordid affair, dollface.

I wanna win your heart.

I am not, nor will I ever be your dollface.

Why not?

It should be obvi, but I guess I need to break it down.

I don't do band geeks.

At least not in public.

Ah, but I'm the schwartzman.

I am the band.

Then this is all you get.

Okay, so let's say I'm not in love, which I'm not saying.

What do I do?

Break up.

Break up? Why?

Because it's not fair.

You're leading him on.

I'm not leading him on.

I'm taking my time.

Matty did that with me and he came around eventually.

When you were in a new relationship.

But I love being Jake's girlfriend.

See, love just slipped right out.

Totally unprovoked.

That's a good sign.

Maybe I'm coming around.

You don't just come around. You know.

Like with Fred, I could tell the second he pumped me a cup with more foam than beer.

He could sense I was a lightweight.

I think everyone could sense that when you were blowing chunks by the door.

But, that doesn't take anything away from the fact that you know, Ming.

'Cause people just know when they know.

But how do you know when you know?

Hey, beautiful.

Die.

Damn it.

You just know.

And you know I'm the one and only Jake Rosati, with a special guest.

Matty McKibben.

And these are the Palace Hills morning announcements.

It's black history month, titans, and so today we have a very special history lesson brought to you via recording from our very own, very white history teacher, Mr. Samuel Wollman.

So last night... ending up at the same place.

That was a little awkward.

Yeah.

But not as awkward as it was when I told Jenna that I loved her.

What? When did you guys have sex?

We haven't.

But that's off the table because I freaked her out.

You know what her response to me was?

"Awesome."

Yeah, that's because you can't say "I love you" before you have sex.

Come on, man, there isn't an order.

Dude you are so JV. [Laughs]

Right now you are at the "I love hanging out with you" or the "I love being around you" phase.

You aren't supposed to blow the "I love you" wad until after sex.

That's the carrot you dangle to get it, baby.

I could just take it back.

You can't take it back.

It's out there.

Now you just gotta play it cool, all right.

Easy for you to say, you've never been in love before.

Aha.

Evidence of my love.

Note the big smile, warm embrace.

Need I say more?

Hey, do we look in love?

Thank you.

If I didn't know these people, I'd be convinced.

But you do know these people.

And you don't need to convince me or anyone else.

You need to convince yourself and maybe your notebook.

Of what?

That you're not still into Matty.

No way. That ship has sailed.

It wasn't entirely true.

My feelings for Matty were present and accounted for.

But like Jake, I didn't know how to interpret them.

Was residual love for Matty clouding my new love for Jake?

We know you were in love with Matty, but when did you know?

It was... after we had sex.

Okay.

You have to have sex with Jake, then you'll know.

I wasn't sure I was ready to have sex with Jake.

It wasn't a question I ever pondered with Matty.

I just did it.

Did I just need to do "it" again?

[Bell rings]

[Chuckles]

Hey.

Yo.

I've been thinking--

That's funny.

Because, uh, last night, I wasn't.

I think I know what you're about to say.

We should have sex.

What?

[Over intercom] I think we should have sex.

[All laugh]

Oh, uh, the mic.

Was that just--

Yeah.

So I've megaphoned my mission to bang my beau.

Maybe no one knew the voice over the PA was me.

Dude, yo I heard Jenna Hamilton rolls commando so she's good to go at all times.

Apparently, Jenna Hamilton can't live without Jake's man juice.

Jenna Hamilton can't keep it in her pants.

Slut.

I was overreacting.

There was nothing to avoid.

Nothing but-- [Both laugh]

My pile of denial.

Which I had stepped in. Again.

I'm down to bone.

Nice try, dude, but the girl's got higher standards.

Which I would know firsthand.

Come on, it was a joke.

Not funny.

Okay, I'll quit.

So...

So...

You and Jake are gonna do the deed.

I realize I made a very public pronouncement, but I'm not ready to discuss the details with you.

Why not?

Um, because you and I were just sealing the deal a few months ago and because it's weird.

Maybe talking about it will help us get out of the weird zone and put us into the friend one.

You should let me casually give Jake some pointers about the Jenna dos and don'ts.

Wait, what do you mean, Jenna's dos and don'ts?

You know, the stuff you do and don't like when doing it.

I do not have dos and don'ts.

Oh, yes you do. Remember the playhouse?

You were on top of me, and you--

Do not tell Jake to do that.

I'm not gonna tell Jake anything.

But I will tell you this. Go easy, he's nervous.

He really... likes you.

While the Jake case was still under investigation, I realized the Matty case had not gone cold.

It was closed 'cause I finally knew something.

Matty and I were friends.

What's up, suicidal slut?

Get used to it, sex is gonna pay your way through college.

You're welcome.

Mmm, dollface.

Skedatz, I have a call to make.

Don't look at me, keep moving, pull out your phone and pretend you're having a conversation.

What happened between us was supposed to be a one time deal.

One and done.

It was Valentine's Day, and I was in a vulnerable place.

This morning was... hormonal.

Don't read into it!

I'm gonna fall apart without you, dollface.

You can live with that?

I'm gonna cry.

I'm seriously gonna cry right here right now.

Fine, meet me after school.

But consider it a parting gift.

I know what you're doing after school.

Everyone does.

If it isn't "info nympho" and "peed-her-pants pants."

I prefer tinkle-bell, thank you!

It's fun to be us.

[Over intercom] Jenna Hamilton, please report to the vice principal's office.

So, I heard there might be something you wanna discuss.

Nope. Nothing.

Not even... Chugga-chugga-chugga -choo-choo?

Definitely not that.

All right, listen. I'm gonna give you a little advice that my mom imparted on me. Always be a lady in the street, freak in the sheets, and quiet over the PA system.

Your mom said that?

Actually, it might have been Usher. And the PA tidbit, that's just my own rule of thumb.

I find that sometimes it's better to use suggestive gestures in public rather than overt expressions like, "do me, big boy."

I didn't say that.

No what you said just spelled it out.

At least "do me, big boy" has alternate connotations, like spreading mustard on a footlong.

Jenna, I am not trying to further your embarrassment or turn this into a bigger deal than it already is, but you could go to jail!

For what?

P.M.U.I.

Premeditated underage intercourse.

There's no law against wanting to have sex.

There is if you wanna have sex with a minor.

We're both minors.

I'm not a pervert.

Well... That's still up for debate.

I mean, we already know you have a fetish for open forums.

Can I go now?

Sure, see you at home.

What?

Oh, I'm going to yoga this afternoon with L-Dawg.

Your mom.

Don't worry, I won't let her know you're a ho-bag.

Between all the heckles and howls, I had come to my senses.

Sex was not the answer.

The answer is yes.

To what?

To the question that reverbed around the hall?

That was more of a statement.

Either way, I'm in.

Okay, so I guess we should talk logistics.

When do you wanna do it?

As soon as possible.

Okay, how's tomorrow after school?

Uh, I have AsB. Friday?

Out with my dad. Darn it.

Guess we're gonna have to wait.

And maybe forget.

Okay, well let's just look at next week and pencil it in.

You know, so we don't forget.

It looks like I could squeeze it in now. You?

You're in luck.

And I was in trouble.

There were no take-backs with sex.

Good to go. Where to?

My car?

It's too small.

Oh, yeah.

Well doesn't your mom have yoga today?

Yeah, but she's only gonna be gone two hours.

Two hours.

I'll be lucky if I last two minutes.

[Chuckles]

I mean...

Uh, 20.. minutes.

Are you sure you wanna do this? We don't have to.

You know, if you're nervous, or...

And like that, I wasn't.

Jake wasn't laying on the pressure.

He was buckling under it.

I wanna do it.

Yes!

I mean, it's cool, baby.

I can't believe you wanted to do it in your car.

[Kissing noises]

I quit band.

Good for you.

Babe, I traded in my tenor sax for my tender saxton.

That was idiotic.

I'm a fool.

Fool for love.

What the hell is wrong with you?

I treat you like crap and you keep coming back for more.

I get it.

You're too good for me.

I knew I could never be with a girl as funny and as smart and as beautiful as you, but I had to try.

Why can't this just be about sex?

Well, we aren't having sex.

You know what I mean.

Don't play with me, dollface.

If I don't have you and I don't have the band, I got nothing in this world.

Aw, Jesus, kiss me before I throw up.

Are you excited?

I can tell you are.

We're doing this.

We're really doing this.

Oh...

We're not doing this.

Mom? Isn't it time for yoga?

Ally here persuaded us to down the hatch instead of downward the dog.

Wait a minute, did we spoil your plan to have sex?

[Gasps]

[Giggles]

And on that note, nice to see you.

Rain check?

Rain check.

[All giggle]

[Doorbell rings]

What are you doing here?

Oh, it's my favorite niece.

I'm your only niece.

Dan the man is your uncle?

Jenna's also her niece.

Please tell me we are not about to be related.

She's all yours.

So you guys know each other?

Everyone knows Jenna.

She has a reputation.

Are you ready to go?

Jenna, isn't it fun that Dan is Sadie's uncle and he went to Palace Hills, too.

Although he must have been a few years ahead of us.

How about a decade?

My uncle like 'em young.

Well, young-ish.

Thanks, sweets.

He's not quite the ten I am.

Let's be honest, he's a four.

And since we're about to be family, I won't pull any punches.

You're more of a six. You're welcome.

You're pretty funny for a big girl.

And you're refreshingly transparent for a gold-digger.

Al, I'm worried. I really think you need to sleep with Dan before you get married.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, you haven't sampled the goods?

Oh, I've sampled and let me tell you, he is well-endowed.

In the bank.

Woo woo!

Why are you deflecting.

She's got herpes.

I'm not gonna lie, I've had to get past a few things.

Like his back.

I mean, the man might be part-bear.

But he thinks I'm smart and funny and beautiful.

[Loud whisper] He's trying to get laid.

He sees me the way I see myself.

Perfect as is.

That's why I want our first time to be special.

But it isn't your first time, so how can it be special?

Oh, it can be special.

Your dad was special.

That doesn't count.

He was your one and only.

[Stifles laugh]

Shh!

[Laughs]

Your mom had a life before your dad.

But not quite the life I've had.

That is code for huge va-jay-jay.

I used to jump into the sack thinking it would clarify how I felt.

And did it?

No.

If the feelings weren't there before, then the sex was just that. Sex.

By the way, Lace, you could use some.

We're gonna start mining your new husband prospects at my wedding. [Laughs]

Are you implying that my current husband isn't gonna work out?

Because... I'm a terrible person and he deserves better. [Sobs]

I don't think he loves me anymore.

You know, if you drink enough wine, it tastes like love.

I'm gonna go to my room.

Skinny bitch.

Yeah? - Yeah? - Yeah?

I'm leaving in three minutes so you better deal with this emotional crisis quickly.

I'll be in the car.

I hate her.

I love her.

[Phone rings]

Dollface?

Did you mean all those things you said to me today?

Which ones?

All of them.

Yes, of course.

Do you hate me?

No.

Do you like me?

Maybe.

Can I take you to dinner?

Don't push it, but call me later.

Yes!

On my quest to figure out my feelings, I was left only more confused.

If sex wouldn't clarify anything, was it worth the risk?

Honey?

I am sorry we got carried away with all of that girl talk.

I did not mean to embarrass you.

Don't worry, it wasn't the first time.

And it won't be the last.

Mom, were you in love with the other guys you slept with?

Guy. There was only one.

And I don't know if I was in love with him.

We had sex before I knew how I felt.

But with your dad, it just...

It all happened at the same time.

Jenna, contrary to the advice I've been giving Ally, you need to know that every first time is the first time.

And it should be special.

Hey.

Oh, hey, babe.

Pick me up in ten.

I'll bring the condoms.

Well, here we are.

Yep, here we are in your mom's minivan in a discrete location.

Call me crazy, but this feels a little hinky.

Damn it, now you've ruined my surprised hijacking of your virginity.

Oh, right, that's already been taken.

Touche. Okay, let's do this.

Hold on, hold on, you're getting ahead of yourself.

[Van beeps]

Moonlight romance.

Ooh, swanky.

Necessary.

My sister's a big slob.

Just trying to make it--

Special?

Come here.

Uh, wait, wait.

Um... This just doesn't really feel right.

I just am feeling a little exposed.

You can leave your shirt on.

No. No, all of it.

I feel like you're doing this to make me feel better about the other night, and you don't need to.

I said what I was feeling.

What I am feeling.

But I didn't say it so that you would say it back or sleep with me.

I said it because...

I can't hold it in anymore.

I don't wanna do this unless you do.

Because if we do this and you don't feel it back...

Then I don't think that--

That you can date me anymore?

No.

That I'd be able to get over you, Jenna.

I just want this to mean something to both of us.

And it would, because I finally knew.

I was in love.

But I didn't wanna say it in a minivan.

It'll be worth the wait.

I promise.

♪ No one like you ♪
♪ no one like you ♪
♪ no one like you ♪
♪ no ♪
♪ no ♪
♪ no ♪

Next on Awkward...

I can't have a wedding without a basket!

Ally's lost half her body weight along with her sanity.

Change of plans, dude, I don't need a suit.

Good thing, 'cause this might be cursed.

Last time I wore it was to the formal.

When you got dissed by that girl with that other guy?

Who was that anyway?

You really are the fool.

Ask Matty.

Go to hell.

You don't know?