02x07 - Another One Bites the Dust

[bunniefuu]

Previously on Awkward...

Jake said he loved me.

You left Jake hanging?

You know what her response to me was?

"Awesome."

Ooh.

We know you were in love with Matty.

But when did you know?

After we had sex.

Okay, you have to have sex with Jake. Then you'll know.

It will be worth the wait. I promise.

From an early age, I'd been programmed to dream about my wedding--

What I would be wearing, who I would be marrying, and...

What kind of debt I'd be inheriting.

'Cause, let's face it, the matrimonial business was a racket, and my mother was a sucker for a good party.

I'd be paying that sh*t off till I d*ed.

But it would be worth it, because the day would be...

Crap! I forgot my cutlets!

Considering Ally's past, I never expected her to be a traditional bride.

Found 'em.

She was more the drive-thru chapel type.

How much you wanna bet her dress is gonna have cutouts?

[Mouth full] 20 bucks.

50.

It's not gonna be obscene.

It's gonna be spandex.

[All giggle]

[Romantic music]

[All gasp]

♪ ♪

You look stunning.

And you will too.

Because...

I bought you all your dresses.

I love it.

I'm not gonna throw up.

You did a good job, Al.

Ally had really turned a corner.

She suddenly had style, class, I guess people really could escape their past.

What? You're not a bridesmaid.

You're the flower bitch.

But clearly, I couldn't escape mine.

There has got to be a way to tone this down.

Suggestions?

Put on a hat.

What's that gonna do?

Hide your face.

Okay, look at the bright side.

You're in a wedding.

It's gonna have full booze bars and dirty old men to sneak you drinks.

Nobody's getting me a drink looking like a five-year-old.

Every family has a perv.

And, knowing Ally, her family would have more than one.

So my mom's crashing at the hotel, which means tonight is gonna be the night.

Project bone is in effect?

Yep.

With my lifetime supply of protection...

I'm ready.

But maybe we won't do it here.

I should prepare for spontaneity.

Where am I gonna put these?

Mom, I need a purse.

Look at the ones on my bed.

Your bad tan lines are lifting.

I knew that moron at the salon used the wrong skin toner.

Lil' bitch, get me my sippy cup.

Sippy cup?

I need my juice!

And a cheeseburger.

Ally had been on a cleanse for over a month, which had taken her from bridezilla to bridesaster.

I'm getting nervous.

Why?

It's my big day.

Well, I'm hoping that the wedding will rekindle something with Kevin, which is why I got a room for the night.

He is a sucker for hotel sex.

[Giggles]

Lace, put the fan down.

Kevin's not coming. He RSVP'd with regrets.

Regrets? What kind of regrets.

The wedding kind. Frickin' relax.

'Cause guess who's single, hot, and still hung up on you.

[Whispers] Ben's coming.

My Ben?

Who's Ben?

Did she just say "my Ben"?

Mom, why is he your Ben?

Damn... I haven't seen him in like--

15 years.

Yeah!

Not since after-- after Jenna was born.

Is he still funny?

Ohh. Funnier.

With my dad out of the picture and my mom in a vulnerable place, suddenly a hotel room out of my sight didn't seem like a good idea.

I needed some clarity on the Ben sitch.

Mom, answer me. Who is Ben?

Lil' bitch, why do you need a purse?

You're supposed to have a basket-- Where is it?

Don't know.

[Screams] Emily!

Where's the flower basket?

It's... here.

Let's see, we have something old, something new, something borrowed, and blue.

And-- and basket.

I don't see a basket.

That was on your list!

Don't worry, we're gonna...

Figure this out.

And we'll be right back.

I can't have a wedding without a basket.

Take this!

See? Big flower bitch.

Big basket!

That is not gonna work!

[Slurping]

Mom, who is Ben?

So we have a little bit of a glitch.

Nothing too major, but my assistant just quit.

Don't fret, I'm gonna find someone to help.

I hope.

Tamara can assist you.

What? Why me?

Because I can't get through this day alone.

I pay cash!

I am your sl*ve.

Ohh.

Whoa.

Everything is under control.

They're gonna get me a basket, and you don't need to implode.

Implode?

All I asked was for you to do one thing.

Hold a frickin' basket!

You are ruining my wedding just like you ruined my life the day you were born.

Apparently, Ally couldn't get past the past.

And I was done.

You just lost your flower bitch.

Good.

Girls, please.

Let's not get crazy.

Okay, we're already there...

[Dialing]

[Cell phone rings]

Hey, babe. Just borrowing a suit and I'll be on my way.

Forget the suit. I quit.

[snickering] Quit? What do you mean you quit?

The wedding.

There's baskets everywhere!

We will find--

I just wanted to marry...

Ally's lost half her body weight, along with her sanity.

We're gonna do something fun instead.

My mom's staying at the hotel, so we've got the place to ourselves.

Are you suggesting what I think you're suggesting?

Oh, I don't know.

But if you have a dirty mind, you'll meet me here around 5:00.

I'll be there at 4:59.

Ally! Ally!

Change of plans, dude. I don't need a suit.

Good thing, 'cause this might be cursed.

[Snickers] Last time I wore it was to the formal.

Right... When you got dissed by that girl with that other guy-- I forgot about that.

Hey, who was that, anyway?

[Cell phone playing jingle]

Courtney? Don't you wanna get it?

Not with you here.

Uh, oh, hey, it's Matty.

I been thinking about you all day, writing in my diary.

Hi.

Yeah? Can I call you back? [Kissing noises]

Courtney.

Yeah, uh-huh.

I'll see you tonight.

Dude, really funny.

So what's up with you two, anyway?

Eh... She's cool.

As in... girlfriend cool?

I'm feeling it out, yeah.

Well, I'm glad you're finally over that chick from camp.

Yeah, I'm ready to move on.

I can't move on.

Ally's always holding my birth against me, like I had some choice in the matter.

I hate her.

Then why are you helping me?

Because I'm a nice person!

[Gasps] Hide it.

Now that I'm out, I don't want a way back in.

No, you are.

[Giggling] No, you.

Ricky, shut it. I gotta go.

Where can I get ready?

By the dumpster.

That's sweet, but I don't have time for a tour of your home.

Guest bath is through the kitchen.

I can't do this.

I can't work a wedding while Sadie and Ricky gnaw on each other.

I'm into p*rn, but not the t*rture kind.

Ricky's with Sadie. He's the one being tortured.

True.

Ricky has a sadie.

[Gasps]

Ben is coming!

My mom has a Ben. Who the hell is Ben?

He's the guy your mom should have married.

So far, there were no Bens in my mom's freshman class.

Maybe he's older?

Jesus, your mom documented every moment of high school, like it was the best time of her life.

It was.

Sad.

Sad.

Lode to the mother. I struck scrunchies.

Ben and my mom were definitely a couple.

Maybe this is the guy she slept with before my dad.

Red flag. See his skin? Oily.

Odds are, he's now bald and fat.

They went to a costume party?

Something called "kid n play"?

What is that?

Not a thr*at.

Ben's definitely not gonna out-hot your pop.

Kid!

Play!

thr*at alert.

T, get me that basket.

You smell so good.

Are you still using...

Coconut body wash.

Coconut body wash.

Yeah. [Both laugh]

[Forced laugh]

Reunion's over. Oh, hi.

Looks like you got that nasty skin condition cleared up.

Jenna!

Ben, I am so sorry.

She is not usually this rude.

Ah, it's okay. She's spunky.

She takes after her mom.

[Chuckles]

Sounded like a compliment, but you should know that all the good things about me are directly related to my dad, who, for the record, is still married to my mom.

[Laughs]

So... What are you doing here?

Uh, Ally wanted me to give you all a ride over to the ceremony.

Oh, did she?

Yeah, she did.

[Laughs]

Good news, mom.

We found the basket.

Back in the wedding!

That is so great, sweetie.

[Snaps fingers]

We need to finish getting ready.

Oh! Well, Ben, why don't you wait in the living room?

Or the car.

I w-- I will go wait in the car.

Okay.

Ahem.

What was that?

Was I frazzled?

I felt frazzled.

I haven't seen him in...

15 years.

15 years.

I forgot how handsome he is.

And those eyes.

What he could make me do just by looking a--

No wonder I felt frazzled!

I look frazzled! Why didn't you say something?

Well, it was a little hard to get a word in edgewise between his stare and your drool.

Who is this Ben guy?

He's my ex-boyfriend.

The one who swiped your V-card?

Well, I wouldn't put it like that, but, yes.

Thank God for the girls.

At least they were in good form.

sh**t! I have to get ready.

Oh, I can't believe he saw me looking like such a mess!

Ohh!

This is not good.

No joke.

Ben's your mom's Matty.

Tamara had connected the dots.

Ben was hot, hovering, and waiting to give my mother a ride, again.

If he was my mom's Matty, then I was in trouble, and so was my dad.

Dad, it doesn't matter what you're doing.

Drop it and call me back.

It's an-- Emergency!

My water just broke.

[Car engine starts]

Crap... Balls!

Damn it! f*ck Me!

Now I have one more thing to worry about.

You know, Monica's gonna be fine.

She's on her way to the hospital.

I'm not talking about Monica.

Now, I have a hole in my bridal party.

Jenna can do it!

No.

Lil' bitch needs to throw the flowers.

I have to have one more bridesmaid.

What you have to have is a detox from the cr*ck pipe.

No one is gonna be available at the last minute on a Saturday.

I love it!

It's so blousy.

Now I can hit the ol' buffet extra hard.

[Giggles] Thank you so much for doing this.

Ah, of course.

Lacey!

I need a favor.

I'm here for you.

My dad isn't here, but my mom's ex is.

He's still hot for her.

Since my mom's an emotional hot mess, I think she might be an easy target tonight.

Get my drift?

You want me to keep the dude distracted so your mom doesn't feel the need to revisit history.

Exactly.

I don't know.

Please?

Ugh.

Let me break it down for you, J.

I'm in a relationship.

Okay? And in this bad-ass dress, I might have a hard time keeping his paws off me.

God forbid he hit my sweet spot...

Unh!

I can't guarantee I can keep Vixen Val from stepping out on her man.

I will buy you a cat.

Persian?

Feral. I like to rescue.

Bitch?

It's lil' bitch.

Bitch.

Crazytown 80 pounds wants us to wear our hair in double buns.

This is not gonna work for me and definitely not for you and your big love hair.

Can you reason with her?

[Giggles] No. Do what she wants.

As expected, you're useless.

I'll handle it. You're welcome.

Listen, auntie attitude, I appreciate that this is your day, but I'm at my limit of concessions.

I'm not gonna succumb to some fugtastic figure-skater style because you--

Because... I... what?

I hate her.

Well, welcome to the club.

Your dad just called and said there was an emergency.

What's wrong?

Ben!

I saw the way you looked at each other.

Need a reminder of the vow you took?

Honey, we're old friends. That's it.

So there's no need to worry about how ridiculously hot he is.

Mom!

Ladies, final touches.

And you have a special visitor.

[Romantic music]

Hey... What are you doing here?

I, uh, brought Jake my suit.

Yeah.

♪ Follow me around ♪

Uh, he should be on his way.

So the wedding's back on.

It was never off.

I just had a momentary freak-out.

Well, you look good now.

I look like a cream puff.

[Laughs]

Hey, I'm here.

I'm here. Hi.

Hi.

Where can I change?

Uh, there's a room down the hall.

Great. Thanks, man.

You're the best.

Oh... Have fun tonight with Courtney.

Do something I would definitely do, huh?

Then I guess I'm in for a dull evening.

Hilarious!

♪ You're the only one ♪

Everything good?

Yeah. Thanks for bringing the suit.

Oh, it's what I do. I problem solve.

And since the problem is solved, I guess I better head out.

♪ All that I want ♪

You guys look good together.

You think so?

Yeah, and I'm really happy for you.

Even if it does sting a little.

So how's Courtney?

Great.

Yeah, she's-- she's great.

Really great.

Thanks for asking.

Matty...

It still stings a little for me too.

Matty and I finally had closure.

And while it was bittersweet, we were rooting for each other.

So what was I worried about with Ben?

Well, Lacey looks really good.

And she's separated.

I think tonight might be my chance to make up for some lost time.

Where is the flower bitch!?

I'm married, b*tches!

[Cheers and applause]

This is gonna be a long night.

Can I get you something to drink?

Yes, preferably with some kick.

[Chuckles]

Oh! Mrs. Hamilton. Cocktail?

She'll have a soda.

[Light classical music]

Honey, I do not need a chaperone.

Mm, but that's the thing-- You do.

If it isn't the beautiful Hamilton sisters.

[Chuckling]

Gross. Ben's tactics were tacky.

But, unfortunately, so was my mother.

So they were working.

Still the charmer.

Oh! You don't wanna do something you'll regret.

I need to get out of here.

Emily is so far up my butt, I could taste her, and if that wasn't craptastic enough, I can't escape Sadie and Ricky!

They've been raping each other's faces all night.

I'm gonna cr*ck, Jenna. I am seriously gonna...

Move the wedding cake.

You owe me.

And I did.

Tamara had singlehandedly saved my sanity all day, and I needed to return the favor.

If she couldn't escape her past, then I would recount it.

Doll face, you are the most beautiful woman in this room.

And...

And I love your full lips.

And your full face.

And your full a--

Watch it.

Mind if I steal her for a second?

Only for a second.

Heel.

Can you tone it down?

Tamara's still a little sensitive to the Ricky suck-face sideshow.

Oh, no... I-I'm so sorry.

I'm not.

You win some, you lose some.

Ricky might want to be with you now, but just wait-- He's a cheater and a liar, and while you might think you're special, you're not.

So enjoy the delusion while it lasts.

You seem uncommonly calm.

I took a muscle relaxer.

Just a muscle relaxer?

Or three.

Al...

It is not too late to back out.

You haven't slept with him yet.

It'll be an easy annulment.

I think you rushed into this.

I did.

Why?

So he wouldn't change his mind.

Lace, he's the first man who's really loved me.

And that's a feeling that's hard to forget.

I know.

[Pop song]

[Giggles]

You're on. Ready?

Point me to the target.

Oh, God. No, I can't do this.

I won't be able to hold it together.

I know he's attractive, but--

He is not my type.

Pretend.

I can pretend to be many things, but attracted to a pretty boy?

That is above the call of duty, J.

I'll just keep your mom preoccupied instead.

How many girls have you cheated on?

Define cheating.

[Sighs]

Yes.

Okay? Yes. I've cheated.

On every girl I've ever been with.

But they were not you.

I love you, doll face.

And only you.

Say it again.

I love you, and only you.

♪ ♪

Hey, what's wrong?

What isn't?

I'm destined to be an unlovable loser and Sadie can't help but rub it in my face.

Yeah. She's out of control.

I'm gonna put an end to this.

I'm putting an end to this.

To what?

Your waltz down memory lane.

Just because my parents are separated doesn't mean it's open season on my mom.

I know your type.

You lost out, and now you want her back.

But it doesn't matter what you do, because my mom loves my dad, and she wants him back.

Point taken.

Good.

You're right.

I should have fought for your mom when I had the chance.

But learn from my mistakes.

I mean, if you have someone special, don't take it for granted.

And I did have someone special who I'd been taking for granted all night.

With the Ben sitch put to bed, it was finally time to jump into mine with Jake.

You off the clock?

Not quite, but at this point, Emily can suck it.

Have you seen Jake?

He's giving it to Sadie for me.

I love that kid.

And I did too.

And it was time to tell him.

Right there, right then.

[Cell phone rings] Come on, please.

Just chill out.

Mind your own business.

You're acting like an idiot.

Hey... Sorry I've been MIA All day.

I want to make it up to you.

I think it's time we ditched the reception.

Me? I'm the fool?

Um, sadly, that would be you.

Why don't you go back to your best friend's sloppy seconds and leave me alone.

Excuse me?

Ohh.

You don't know?

You really are the fool.

♪ ♪

You're a bitch.

And I don't believe a thing you're saying.

Ask Matty.

He had a piece of your Hamilton pie long before you did.

Go to hell.

[Snaps fingers]

Where is she?

She's with another guy.

Glad you're finally getting over that chick from camp.

Yeah.

♪ ♪
♪ the fate of the world you leave ♪

And one more thing.

I love you, Jake Rosati.

♪ Making a moment ♪

Gone were the secrets and heartache of my past.

I was looking at my future.

♪ Now's your chance ♪

Next on Awkward...

What's wrong?

Us.

Trouble in paradise?

I don't think she's being honest with me...

About what?

That other guy.

I just have a gut feeling that that guy's still around.

Listen, your dad's the one who ruined their relationship, and it started years ago.