02x09 - Homewrecker Hamilton

[bunniefuu]

Previously on Awkward...

I'm breaking up with you.

What happened?

Are you sure there's not something that I don't see?

No.

I love you, Jake Rosati.

What did I do?

Guess I just waited too long to tell him how I felt.

Maybe the timing's finally right.

I had been blogging all night, if only to keep my hands occupied and off my phone.

And after fighting the urge to text Jake for two days, my willpower was waning.

My willpower had been waning.

A lot.

[Phone tapping tones]

I'm breaking up with you.

I wasn't the type of girl to expiration-date, so if Jake thought our romance was past its prime, I would accept his decision...

If he had a damn good reason.

No, I don't.

I wasn't thinking clearly, but neither was he.

I thought Jake and I were happy, then wham, bam, break up, ma'am.

I must have done something to damage our relationship, but what?

[Phone tones]

Oh, cancel. Cancel!

Hey, come outside.

I have a surprise for you.

[Phone rings]

[Click, beep]

Kevster, it's Hannah. Call me.

So, Kevster, who's Hannah?

Someone from work. Don't peek.

Huh? Now all your friends will want to take a joy ride in the Jenna wagon.

That sounded bad.

Check it out!

It was the hoopty of my dreams, A grand gesture meant divorce.

Was my dad trying to do damage control?

[Phone tones] Or was Jake?

[Dramatic music]

♪ ♪

[snap] Turns out my car and I were a match made in hell.

Holy sh*t!

Holy sh*t.

You're supposed to be calming me down.

I am sorry, J, but holy sh*t!

[Sighs] What am I gonna do?

Be pissed.

He was spying on you.

I'm just trying to spin it.

Not working.

Okay, let's stop baking drama cakes for a sec, and think t*nk this.

[Ticking]

I don't even know why Jake was at my house in the first place.

Well, I guess after he came back to the wedding looking for you.

What?

He went back?

Why didn't you give me the heads up?

I don't know.

Maybe I was busy buying lottery tickets 'cause I'm a freakin' psychic.

How was I supposed to know Jake was gonna go back to your house?

He probably wanted to get back together.

I had never considered that possibility.

Could there be a silver lining to my storm cloud of despair?

Fact is, I wasn't cheating on Jake.

So once we straighten out the timeline--

Everything will be okay.

I just need to clear it up.

How am I gonna clear it up?

You're not a cheater. Jake broke up with you, out of nowhere, which means he has no leverage, right?

It's a little thin, but it's all we've got.

Jake, I really need to talk to you for jus--

What just happened?

The classic ice burn.

Oh! [Groans]

I wouldn't hit your head like that if I were you.

Seriously, you're k*lling brain cells, and you don't have any to waste, which is why you need this.

Test answers, for geometry.

Sweet.

Stupid combo won't work.

Let me try.

The combo is 21...

You know my locker combo?

I also know your bra size, but I'm not gonna advertise it.

[Whispers] 32B.

Uh...

Since you seem to possess, I don't know, universal knowledge, do you know where Fred Wu is?

I haven't heard from him since Friday and we're usually in constant contact.

What's his name again?

Fred Wu.

Fred who?

Wu.

Oh, Fred Wu!

I don't know him.

But I do know where your glasses are.

You left them in my car.

Oh, yes. I thought I lost them, and in the afternoon, my contacts start to feel like sandpaper.

Thank you.

No, thank you, for giving my life a purpose.

Aw.

I'm kidding.

[Laughs]

[Both laugh]

Wha...

Want to go in? If he's mid-stream, he won't be able to run away.

I don't think I can move.

Do you need the pep talk again?

'Cause I can rally.

No, that's okay.

Yeah, I need it.

You are in the right here, okay--

I didn't cheat on you!

That was a warm-up.

Jake, I know it looks bad.

I mean, that photo, it was awful, and I understand that looking to Matty for comfort was a terrible choice, but I wasn't cheating.

Technically, I was single, and devastated, and--

I know everything.

Everything?

Everything.

It suddenly all made sense.

I knew exactly why Jake broke up with me.

He knew everything.

He knows everything? What does that even mean?

Oh, I'm not sure, but I assume "everything" means "everything."

No. No. No way.

Way. Jake took this.

Holy sh*t.

Holy-- Holy sh*t!

No wonder he won't talk to me.

How the hell did this happen?

You. Your lips.

I was vulnerable and you took advantage.

Your lips were pretty involved too.

Oh, my God.

He knows everything?

Everything!

Well, who the hell told him?

Yeah, I told him.

I really don't understand why you're so upset.

Now that Jake is out of the picture, she's all yours.

I still don't get the appeal of Jenna Hamilton and her oversized maternity tops, but I guess the heart wants what it wants, even if it wants a social misfit with a butterfly fetish.

You're a bitch.

I know.

And you should be thanking me for removing the obstacle that kept you apart.

I can't believe you would do this to me.

We've been friends since the fourth grade.

You can try and make me the villain in all this, but the truth is, you're the bad guy here.

You're the one who kept this huge secret from your best friend.

Maybe telling Jake was the wrong thing to do, but what you and Jenna did was way worse.

Dude, you don't have all the information.

Come on, man, stop.

Let's hash this out.

He won't talk to me.

Me either.

But I'm gonna try again.

[Bell rings] Jake.

The everything you think you know?

Some of it's wrong.

Yes, Matty and I had a thing, but it wasn't an official thing.

And it was over before you and I became a thing, because we were official.

[Clears throat] Jenna.

I don't remember you being in this class.

Oh, I'm not. I just came to talk to Jake.

Doesn't look like he wants to talk.

You gonna talk to her?

No.

Ms. Hamilton, you have two options...

Stay here or go to class.

I'll stay.

Ah, that triggers option number three.

Follow me.

After you.

[Whispering] Fred!

Fred Wu!

What is your deal?

Why won't you talk to me?

I got a "D"?

Did you guys get "D"s?

What the hell?

Did you guys get a different cheat sheet?

♪ Our chimney puffs a lighter cloud ♪
♪ I hear you don't even make a sound ♪
♪ once I recalled the gall of that one ♪

I'm starting to get the feeling I'm on the outs with the Asian mafia.

[Gasps] Disavowed?

No idea, but I just got a bum cheat sheet and weird stuff has been happening all day.

It feels cold on the outside.

It does.

Ladies and gentlemen, and those of you in between...

How did it go with Jake?

It didn't.

Wildcats, we're gonna get pumped up, with the wheel of pep! [Cheers and applause]

All right, you know how this game is played, folks.

I just need one female volunteer to make that first spin.

How can we explain the situation if he won't hear us out?

Come on, which one of you lovely ladies would like to join me onstage and spin that wheel?

I'll make him listen.

Jenna, please, not again.

Lightning doesn't strike twice.

I'm telling you, going up on that stage is not gonna work out in your favor this time.

It will. It has to.

Uh, Jenna's raising her hand.

Can't you see it?

We just need a girl.

Any girl.

Jenna Hamilton, come on up!

[Mic feedback]

[Light applause]

Okay, now we need a dude.

Not you, Clark, we need a real dude.

How about you?

[Laughter]

I didn't cheat on you.

I slept with Matty before I really even knew you.

Mm-hmm.

He never wanted to be seen with me, which made things confusing and unclear.

Well, how about we fix that?

Hm?

Matty McKibben, come on up!

Yeah.

Let's give him some encouragement, titans, huh?

Matty! Matty! Matty!

All: Matty! Matty! Matty!

This isn't how you play.

You can't stop the wheel of pep.

Zip it. The rules have changed.

I knew this was gonna happen.

I really might be psychic.

Okay, McKibben.

Time to come clean.

Have you ever betrayed anyone?

Maybe a friend?

No.

Well.

Looks like Matty has put you in the hot seat.

If he's not willing to come clean, then we're gonna have to play dirty.

Go, girl! You got this!

Jenna has a lot of experience playing dirty.

She should kiss Matty.

[Cheers]

Shut up, Sadie.

No, great idea.

Jenna, kiss Matty.

Show some school spirit. It's for the baseball team.

Please don't do this.

Oh, are you shy?

Would you be more comfortable doing it privately?

Or maybe in secret?

I don't want you to feel like a slut.

That isn't funny.

Yeah, I agree.

There's nothing funny about being laughed at by your friends.

Back off, man.

[Crowd murmurs]

[Grunts]

[Crowd gasps]

Stop!

You don't know the whole story.

I do!

You talked to me about her.

Huh? I gave you advice about her.

That must've been really hilarious.

I'm confused. Are we playing a new game?

Yes, it's called "down with the slut."

No one was ever laughing at you.

Well, then what were you doing?

Say it!

Stop it!

What do you want me to say?

The truth!

Say it! Say it!

[Grunts]

[Grunts] [Crowd gasps]

I f*cked your girlfriend!

[Crowd groans]

Two boys fighting over a girl is... a fantasy for some women, but, uh, I am going to have to put personal fantasies aside, because as vice-principal, it is my job to punish boys for having those strong... sexy feelings that... burst into action.

[Clears throat]

The good news is, I'm not caught up in your drama, and I am not gonna determine who's right or wrong.

It's your fault, isn't it?

Yes.

Yeah.

That point goes to Jake, because he's not to blame.

But he did cheat on his last girlfriend, so this could be karmic retribution.

You're still even.

Jake didn't really cheat on Lissa.

I'm surprised you would defend someone who just slammed a fist in your face.

Current score is 1-0 in Matty's favor for being noble.

Noble? I don't think so.

All right, listen.

I understand why this happened.

As a layperson, I totally get why you would fight over Jenna.

I really like spending time with her too, but I wouldn't necessarily throw down for her.

Okay, maybe. I might.

She is a really remarkable friend.

Student. Student-friend.

She's no friend of mine.

Don't be mad at her.

She wanted to tell you and I asked her not to.

This whole thing is my fault.

When I heard you broke up with her, I only went to her house to see if she was okay, because I knew how much she liked you.

Shouldn't you have been checking on me?

I tried to, but you shut me down.

[Clapping] Bravo.

Everyone can see the damage to your faces, but no one can see the damage to your hearts.

I'm throwing away the score sheet.

[Low] You won.

I think we learned a lot today about honesty and forgiveness.

So, no more fighting?

You're done?

Yeah. We're done.

Are you okay?

Please say something.

Anything.

I came to your house, thinking that I made a mistake breaking up with you.

I made a mistake too.

I should have told you everything about Matty, but I didn't know how to.

I never cheated on you.

I loved you. I still love you.

Please believe me.

Why would I believe anything that you say?

[Whisper] Ming. Ming.

Ming.

Ming.

Why are you hiding? We're in the sanctuary.

Nowhere is safe. Shh.

What? Why are you acting so creepy?

First, you blow me off and then you ignore me in class.

I thought you liked me.

I do like you. A lot.

Which is why I can never speak to you again.

Why?

[Whispering] Becca is my ex-girlfriend.

Damn.

No wonder so much bizarre stuff has been happening to me.

And it's just the beginning.

You're scaring me.

You should be scared.

Are you familiar with the difference between a white bitch and an Asian bitch?

When a white bitch is after you, she's in your face.

Loud, angry, making sure you know that she's responsible for your destruction.

But the Asian bitch--

Derives from the way of the ninja.

They're everywhere and nowhere.

All stealth.

You never see an Asian bitch coming.

But she looks so sweet and harmless.

But she's not!

And now nothing is safe.

I can only drink from sealed bottles of water, and as my known associates, I suggest you do the same.

I heard Jenna homewrecked two relationships in one weekend.

She's "homewrecker Hamilton."

Wha--

Here.

I'd trade your mafia wrath for my current situation any day.

Why does everyone get to weigh in on my life?

It's white bitch 101, but at least you know where you stand.

All this fear and loathing is giving me a mad case of stress eye.

Oh, you both need to arctic chill.

Jenna, someone else's drama-rama will be front-page news tomorrow.

And ming, honestly, this whole thing with the Asian mafia--

Why can't I see anything?

Holy sh*t.

Becca changed my prescription.

I've been Asian bitch-slapped again!

This day could not get any worse.

Ming was a blind optimist.

What she couldn't see... was that things could always get worse.

I have never seen something so offensive in my life.

That car is no way to bridge a relationship gap!

Buying you a car should have been a co-parenting decision.

But a car that hideous should have been a no-parenting decision.

As usual, my mother decided my humiliation was about her.

Why in the world would your father purchase a car with the word "slut" written across it?

It didn't come that way.

This is just further proof that your father needs me.

He could never be trusted to make big purchases alone, and a car is a big financial commitment.

Marie Claire said--

Or was it Cosmo?

Maybe it was on Real Housewives?

Mm.

Someone smart said that if a couple is in relationship recovery, or working on getting back together, they need to create an environment of mutual res--

You're not getting back together.

He's seeing someone else. Her name is Hannah.

The car is just his way of breaking it to me gently.

It means he wants a divorce.

I was feeling wrecked, wronged, and worn-out.

I couldn't take any more blows and definitely couldn't cushion them.

I had spent so much time protecting Jake's feelings that my own were left defenseless.

The damage was done and there was no way to undo it.

[Computer chirps]

"You're not a homewrecker."

I'm glad someone knows.

Homewrecker? I never used that expression.

Do you know me?

[Computer chirps]

Friend or foe?

I don't know if I can trust an invisible friend.

Jake would say an invisible friend can't trust me.

[Computer chirps]

"You can trust me. This isn't a set-up."

I'm feeling desperate.

There's no way to minimize this damage.

Everybody hates me.

[Computer chirps]

I wish I could put into words what I feel.

[Computer chirps]

"You already have."

You're the only one who knows the whole truth.

♪ Follow my way ♪
♪ follow my... ♪

Everyone is talking about you.

I know.

No, Jenna. Yesterday's slut-shaming is, like, 12 pages back in the gossip search engine.

Your secret blog? Not so secret anymore.

Jenna slept with Matty, but she only screwed Jake...

Over! They didn't have sex!

Thank God.

She didn't just homewreck two relationships.

It was three, if you count her parents.

Yeah. The band got back together.

Are you in shock? Are you gonna stroke out?

Do you need a trauma blanket?

I just need to talk to Jake.

And I need to get a life.

I never realized how Ricky-obsessed I was until I read it in print.

Your blog saved me from ever obsessing again and it saved ming by outing the mafia.

Now she's untouchable.

I wouldn't be so sure.

It's gonna take more than a blog to take them down.

Did you read my blog?

Then you know the truth.

I never cheated on you.

No. You humiliated me.

Rosati! You been played, but you didn't get laid!

The blog release didn't just expose me.

It exposed everyone in it.

There was widespread collateral damage.

Who the hell did this?

Who forwarded Jenna's private blog?

I did.

[Honk]

Jenna Hamilton tried to k*ll herself!

Again! [Laughs]

Next on Awkward...

Are we looking at? Lunch in the bathroom?

What's going on?

Your social su1c1de scared everyone silent.

What you did was ballsy.

And psychotic.

Everyone knows I wrote the letter.

Go. Talk to them.

What's the worst that could happen?

My life was full of unexpected choices.

Choices that I didn't want to make.

So you need to choose.

Him or me.