02x10 - Pick Me, Choose Me, Love Me

[bunniefuu]

Previously on Awkward...

[Crowd groans]

I f*cked your girlfriend.

Everyone is talking about you.

Your secret blog--

Not so secret anymore.

You humiliated me.

[Horn honks, brakes screech]

Jenna Hamilton tried to k*ll herself!

Again!

I was dead.

Metaphorically speaking.

Like Sylvia Plath, I'd taken my own life.

Except while hers ended in an oven, mine ended on the internet.

My blog was no longer a safe haven, so there was only one way I could take refuge from the internal slaughter in my head.

I had to put pen to paper.

Turns out, releasing my blog to the public was not the answer to my problems.

Once again, I was a pariah.

And even though I hadn't forgiven my mom for writing the letter, she was wise to my guilt trips.

So I couldn't expect she would let me stay home, which meant I had to ensure it.

Mom, I have a fever!

My hand wasn't the only thing getting hot and bothered.

[Lacey giggling]

My mom was too.

Suddenly I didn't need to play sick anymore.

I was sick, and I needed to escape before I was confronted with what I expected to see--

My mother with a...

Dad?

How are you feeling?

Uncomfortable.

Understandable.

It's probably a little shocking to see us together.

Mm-hmm.

Just talk to us.

What's going through your head?

Your boobs.

Might want to belt up.

I thought you were dating Hannah.

So did I.

I wasn't.

Which is why I came over to clear things up.

And you did.

[Growls softly]

Are you guys back together?

We're working it out.

Right, there's still work to do.

And if that work was gonna happen in the house, I had to vacate the premises.

Right, well, I am feeling much better now, so I'm gonna head to school.

Well, let me get dressed.

She can drive herself.

She is not driving the slut-wagon.

The thing will only bring her negative attention.

Car or no car, negative attention was about the only attention I could expect.

You sure you're feeling okay?

You don't look so good.

I'm fine.

I wasn't, but how do you tell your mom you're about to walk into a public lynching?

Really?

Well, there are a couple small things that happened recently which are making me a wee bit apprehensive.

Bitch!

Like that.

Don't call my daughter a bitch!

Not her, you.

What's going on?

So Jake broke up with me and then caught me making out with Matty, which shouldn't have been a thing, 'cause I was technically single, but he thinks I'm a cheater because he didn't know that I was with Matty before I was with him, so he thought that we were seeing each other while I was seeing him, that "him" being Jake.

Following?

So I exposed my blog and basically everything about myself, and I didn't realize that there would be collateral damage, which I guess sort of definitely involves you and the letter.

Everyone knows I wrote the letter?

You're disgusting.

I know it seems like I did this on purpose because things aren't resolved between us.

I didn't mean to hurt you.

Have a nice day, honey.

We need to talk.

I can't. Not now.

Please, let me say my piece.

Writing that letter to Jenna was terrible.

Agreed.

And cruel.

I get it.

No, you don't.

But I do, because despite how together I may seem I was once a misfit too.

Yeah, I know it's hard to believe, but things weren't always smooth sailing for this old kimosabe.

And do you know who always lifted me up?

Your mother.

That's right.

And let me tell you, I was pretty heavy back then.

I had a tendency to eat my feelings, but no matter how heavy my load or my ass, my mother could always lighten it with her unconditional love because that is what good mothers do.

They love their kids. They don't tear them down.

L-Dawg, I really expected we were on the road to being besties, but now I--

I don't think I can even be your friend.

[Sighs]

What kinda day are we looking at, lunch in the bathroom?

Nope, I'm clear for quad exposure.

I'm back in with the mafia, big time.

They got my parents to buy me a car.

You're kidding. Why?

It's a peace offering.

Becca's scared shitless of you, and by proxy, now me.

Why is she scared of me?

'Cause putting yourself up for public consumption is, like, batshizat on cr*ck.

You're the scariest kind of loose cannon, Jenna.

You're a su1c1de bomber.

I wasn't trying to blow myself up.

Motive doesn't matter but mission accomplished.

Your social su1c1de scared everyone silent.

I assumed it was merely the calm before the storm, and as such I was battening down the hatches.

Watch it!

Jenna.

Sorry, Julie.

Julie.

I had hit the hornets nest-- The Julies.

They were power brokers, the kind of girls who could make or break a reputation with a simple smile or a smirk.

Nobody wanted to mess with them, and I definitely didn't want them to mess with me.

What you did was ballsy.

And psychotic.

It was a mistake.

No, the mistake was ditching Matty for Jake.

Team Jake all the way!

Seriously, when Matty showed up at the dance, total panty drop.

Forget you.

Nothing trumps the bit with Jake when he decked out his mom's minivan.

It wasn't really a bit.

That actually happened.

Whatever. I just loved it.

Anyhoo, gotta go.

Back-up pants a-calling.

That was strange.

And unexpected.

She just said "back-up pants."

That was her quoting you quoting me.

Do you realize what just happened?

You've just been bitch-backed by the Julies.

Okay.

You don't get it.

You're, like, a small cable show.

You may not have a budget or marketing, but you're interesting and you're catching on with the right peeps.

Peeps that get you and care what you think.

Nobody cares what I think.

But ironically, they did.

I had fans.

♪ And I don't know, know ♪
♪ I don't know what I can do for you ♪

And they wanted dating advice...

Psst.

Fashion tips...

[Overlapping talking]

And a teenage perspective.

Suddenly everyone needed my opinion on their life and to weigh in on mine.

It was overwhelming and exhilarating.

I was a tastemaker.

Ugh, how is the hamil-troll's star rising while mine falls?

The bitch really crossed the line exposing my relationship with Ricky.

I call shenanigans.

She didn't ho and tell.

Everyone already knew about you and Ricky.

Ho and tell?

Don't make me puke with that side-stooge's lingo.

Look, I know Jenna's blog didn't paint you in the best light.

But you gotta give her credit. She can spell.

I'm not going to give her credit for anything except inducing my stress.

She totally exaggerated Ricky's past indiscretions on that Ret*rded blog, which is why I now have the worst breakout of my life.

See?

Tia!

Please, stop with the slang or I'm gonna slap you.

Why are you looking at me like that?

I don't think you're breaking out.

You've been making out. That is a kiss blister.

What the hell is a kiss blister?

Herpes.

This is not that.

It's a zit.

Good luck with everything.

You should say something.

What is there to say that hasn't already been said?

Or read?

Good point.

With all my newfound validation, I had almost forgotten the one opinion that mattered most.

Make that the two opinions.

Maybe it is a good time to talk.

'Cause my new positive approval rating could be rubbing off on them too.

Right?

I don't know about them.

But it's definitely rubbing off on me.

People have been rocking my slanguage left and right.

I've heard three Tamara "isms" in the first two periods alone.

Although Amy Dube doesn't really get that a "Fail Mary" isn't a good thing.

Go. Talk to them.

What's the worst that could happen?

They could spit in my face.

They could, but they won't.

Turns out my great expectations, not so great.

Hey, do you mind if we switch seats?

I do. I'm not on your team.

I am. You could switch with me.

Thanks, but my objective is to get further from someone, not closer.

Can we trade?

No.

You're lame. No wonder Jenna dumped you.

All right, frenchies, Miss Kang had an emergency and had to go home, probably 'cause she ate some bad creme fraiche this morning.

Some creme not-so-fraiche, huh?

C'est la vie.

Well, I didn't have time to call in a sub, so you're watching a movie.

It's called Jules and Jim.

So in case you wanna tune out and take a napster, here are the highlights.

"Two best friends fall in love with the same woman, who leaves the insecure one for the passionate one, causing friction between them.

Then the woman drives one of them off a bridge."

A stupid suicidal girl comes in between two friends.

That sounds familiar.

Oh, it's just like Jenna Hamilton's life.

Except the movie is better because the girl actually dies.

I hope you're taking notes, 'cause Matty's not in the wrong-- You are.

Listen, I appreciate your opinion, but you don't have all the information.

Actually, I do. I read the blog.

Good for you, but there's no way a stupid movie's gonna give me a new perspective.

I'm never talking to that assh*le again.

[Speaking French]

We should talk.

Why didn't you just tell me that the camp girl was Jenna?

I don't know, man.

I was still figuring it all out when suddenly you were into her, and every time I tried to tell you, it got more complicated.

More complicated than this?

Dude, I don't want our friendship to go out this way.

Neither do I.

So what do we do?

We just move on.

And we tell each other the truth, okay?

About everything.

Yeah. Good for me.

Me too.

Well...

So you should know--

So you should know--

I still love Jenna.

I still love Jenna.

[Overlapping chatter]

Can you help get me somewhere safe and out of the spotlight?

I got you, J.

Back off, sycophants.

Jenna doesn't have all the answers.

But you do have all the answers.

Have you read my blog?

I don't. My life is a mess.

Au contraire.

That's French for "on the contrary."

I gathered.

Your life isn't a mess. It's amazing.

You have friends, a bro-down, and a very nice way with words, which I know because I devoured every last one of them, virtually speaking of course.

Of course.

So here's what I need to know.

I was bracing myself.

Will you help me write my memoir?

[Toilet flushes]

This is getting insane. I'm not a role model.

No, you're a Lifetime movie.

Seriously, we should think about adapting your blog.

This isn't a movie, this is my life, and I don't have a remote to take control or delete the traumatic episodes involving Matty and Jake.

They're never gonna talk to me again.

That's so major!

May-jer!

May-jor!

May-jer, may-jor.

Lose the E and stress the O.

Amazeballs. And so are you.

You really dodged a b*llet with that Ricky reject.

Rumor has it he's rocking some nasty STDs in his sex-cretins.

Sex-cretions.

But he is a cretin, that's for sure.

[Giggling]

See, Jenna? Nothing to worry about.

You're on a positively positive upswing.

The boys are bound to come around.

No doubt.

I mean, it's not like you gave them herpes.

sh*t.

[Bell rings]

Finally, the tide had turned, and I was about to get the smackdown I had anticipated.

Okay, here we go.

Lay it on me. I'm ready.

We've decided not to let a girl come between us.

I understand.

So you need to choose.

Him or me.

Team Jake!

[All shouting]

Team Jake! Team Jake! Team Jake!

[Shouting continues]

I know.

I know! Just let me be!

Mom?

I'm home.

[Phone rings]

Please don't.

Hello.

I'm fine.

My mother is not a monster.

Has this been happening all day?

Honey, don't worry about it.

How 'bout a snack?

Apparently my stigma hadn't disappeared.

It transferred to my mother.

Mom, I'm so sorry.

You have nothing to apologize for.

I deserve this.

This isn't tit for tat, I swear.

I know.

Because even though you haven't forgiven me, you have never been cruel.

But I have.

That letter was cruel.

So why did you write it?

[Sighs]

The day I wrote it, my mother laid into me, telling me that I wasn't raising you right.

And instead of tuning her out, I tuned her in.

And I did what I never wanted to do.

I att*cked you the way that she has always att*cked me, and it wasn't right or fair.

It was just a family pattern that apparently I couldn't break.

We need to call dad.

No, please don't call him.

He can fix this.

I know, but he can't fix me.

I'm a monster.

That's not true.

Jenna.

Your dad didn't stay with me for me.

He stayed for you.

And while I will always be your mother and I will always love you, you have a choice.

You don't have to love me.

Again, my life was full of unexpected choices.

Choices that I didn't want to make.

You can handle this with medication.

I don't want to take medication.

I want to wring Ricky's neck.

And you should.

A real man would have disclosed.

He's branded you for life.

So should I break up with him?

I don't know.

Who else is gonna want you now?

Actually, a lot of guys.

According to the commercials, one out of every four.

[Phone rings]

It's my doctor.

I'm too nervous. Answer it.

Hi.

Yes, this is Sadie.

It's not herpes.

So it's nothing.

I told you so.

I was just about to break up with Ricky thanks to you...

I'm gonna go before I wring your neck.

Dropped a new word today.

"Adora-whore-able."

Adora-whore-able? What's it mean?

Slutty yet sweet.

You've heard it?

Unfortunately.

Amanda Shillingford said it in reference to me on my way out of Geometry.

God, I'm so on fire! I'm trendsetting.

And I'm trending in two categories, hashtag Jenna-pick-Jake and Jenna-pick-Matty.

Why can't everyone just mind their own business?

You need to breathe.

And then tell us, who's it gonna be?

Is it Matty or me?

No pressure or anything.

I appreciate that.

But we need to know.

And so did everyone else.

I just-- I can't think like this.

Then don't. We'll do it for you.

I can vouch for Matty.

He's a good-looking guy with a great head of hair and a really big heart.

Wow. That means a lot, man.

And see, it's that kind of thoughtfulness that makes Jake the better contender.

He's about the best kind of friend to have around when the going gets tough.

Well, you're no slouch in that department either, man.

I don't know, what would I have done without you when my brother went to rehab last year?

And when my mom had that cancer scare, you were right by my side.

And I'll be there again.

So?

I've made a decision.

You should date each other.

[Onlookers gasp]

Is mom coming to dinner?

She went to bed.

It's 6:00.

She's had a rough couple of days, and she's gonna get through it.

With you?

I'm not going anywhere.

Did you only stay with mom for me?

Your mom tell you that?

Yeah.

Uh, when we were younger, I did and said a lot of awful things to her, things she's forgiven but clearly hasn't forgotten.

I-- I wasn't always the best guy.

Let's be real, she hasn't always been the best either.

No, I know.

But you've got to cut her some slack.

Because what you don't know is that I wasn't always around as much as I should have been.

And when I was, you didn't want me to hold you.

That's not true.

You were the only one who could put me to sleep.

With your mom's song.

Singing that lullaby was the only way to get you to calm down.

So your mom taught it to me.

She wanted me to be your hero.

You are my hero, dad.

And your mom is mine.

In an unexpected turn of events, I was neither a winner nor a loser.

I was a chooser.

But someone had to win.

Someone had to lose.

And I was still left to choose.

It was a big decision and not an easy one to make.

[Computer beeps]

So I had chosen... my mom.

♪ Special wonderful surprise ♪
♪ rest your eyes ♪
♪ rest your eyes ♪
♪ what a blessing you will make ♪

Both: ♪ when you wake ♪
♪ when you wake ♪
♪ strong and beautiful you'll be ♪
♪ next to me ♪
♪ next to me ♪

Next on Awkward...

"If you had a do-over, how would you handle it?"

A do-over-- It was an interesting concept.

I was afraid you weren't gonna show.

Wait.

"Enough about Matty. I'm pro-Jake."

So I'll break it off with Matty, you get rid of Lissa, and we can be together.

Cool.

I didn't have to choose between Matty or Jake, but I wanted to.

And I finally knew who it would be with.