02x11 - Once Upon a Blog

[bunniefuu]

Previously on Awkward...

My life was full of unexpected choices.

We've decided not to let a girl come between us.

So you need to choose, him or me.

You should date each other.

But someone had to win, someone had to lose, and I was still left to choose.

I used to think being in love with two people at once only happened on reality shows, where finding a soul mate was nudged along by a dozen roses, a cheese-tastic host, and a camera crew up your ass.

I never bought that bogus B.S.... until it happened to me.

I didn't have to choose between Matty or Jake, but I wanted to.

When it came to life-altering decisions, I resorted to my go-to method of problem solving... blogging it out.

[Computer beeps]

"Pick Matty." "Pick Jake."

"Matty is the only choice."

"Jake is awesometown."

Turns out, my readers were as confused as I was.

[Computer beeps] "Get over it."

"Pick a guy already." "Team Matty."

"Team Jake. Team... Jonah?

"We have third period together.

I'm the one with the Jew 'fro."

Oh.

It was impossible to think with the peanut gallery chiming in.

How could I possibly blog my way to an answer if I couldn't write my truth?

Unless...

I tried my hand at fiction.

It was the six month anniversary of the first tryst in the utility closet, and Jenna couldn't stop thinking about it.

Those ill-fitting camp shirts, the filthy space, the cold, dank floor...

Matty's sub-zero skin, Jenna couldn't help but consider, should she finally let him turn her so they could spend eternity together?

Do you know what today is?

Tuesday.

He didn't remember.

Jenna was crushed.

She didn't realize the undead could suck so hard.

Happy anniversary.

He'll never be able to give you what you need.

But I can.

But she couldn't discount Jake, who she occasionally referred to as Jacob.

Sexy in his own right and an amazing kisser, Jenna could only imagine how their sex would be.

She thought it would be hot.

For real, Jake's body temp hovered around 150.

[Computer beeps]

My brief foray into fiction lead me to one obvious conclusion...

I was a hack.

So I wasn't all that great when left to my own devices.

What I needed was a push in the right direction, or any direction.

Because I was lost, in love.

Whenever I lost my keys, which happened a lot, I retraced my steps.

Maybe I needed to retrace my past to figure out my future.

"If you had a do-over with Matty, how would you handle it?"

A do-over... it was an interesting concept.

And I knew exactly what I would do differently.

[Techno music]

I was afraid you weren't gonna show.

Wait, I'm not going in there.

Why not?

Because if I do, we're gonna have sex.

And I'll be totally into you, and you'll ignore me, and I'm not cool with that.

So if you wanna get to know me, ask me out.

[Acoustic guitar music]

♪ When we meet again ♪
♪ my bones will ache ♪

Didn't you hear me yelling at you to come get your clothes when you came in?

Yeah, I heard you.

I just didn't feel like doing it.

Watch your tone, young lady, or you can start doing your own laundry.

This letter came for you.

I'll take the clothes, but... you might wanna rethink that.

[School bell rings]

Guys, this is Jenna.

Hey.

Sit next to me.

Jenna, you would look so pretty with a makeover.

Oh, damn, is it "bring a freak to lunch" day?

I totally forgot mine.

Back off, Sadie.

Jenna and I are together now.

We are?

I hope so. [Chuckles]

Spoiler alert, you won't last the week.

So forgive me if I don't commit your name to memory.

You're welcome.

Like a hungry coyote, Sadie preyed on the weak and wounded.

If showed any fear at all, she'd spend the rest of the year eating me alive.

Well, I already know your name.

It's Sadie Sucks-ton, right?

[Chuckles]

[Laughs]

Sorry.

I'm not sorry.

You are such a bitch.

I like you.

[Laid-back music]

So, "J", are you hanging with us today, or are you eating at the V.I.P. table?

It's been, like, a week.

Well, I'd rather eat with you guys, but I don't wanna hurt Matty's feelings.

What about our feelings?

Come on, guys.

It's not like I'm gonna be BFFs with Sadie and become popular overnight.

[Techno music]

♪ Come with me come with me ♪

Where'd you score the lactoids, Hamilton... sudden grown spurt or cutlets?

I got a boob job.

Overnight?

I heal fast.

Do you think I should get implants?

Maybe just a lift.

And a nipple reduction.

Hamilton, can we sidebar?

Isn't it obvious? She's moved on.

So feel free to resume your life on the D-list without her.

You're welcome.

Come on, Sadie.

To join the mob, you proved your loyalty by making your first k*ll.

To stay popular, I had to sacrifice my friendships.

They're not D-listers... unless you grade on a curve the size of her shelf-butt.

[Laughter]

Sorry. I'm not sorry.

And just like that, I was made.

Nice whore-drobe, skanksquatch.

This is the first time you've come up on my radar, Miss Hamilton, and I hope it's the last.

[Cell phone chimes] Yeah, me too.

Why am I here?

Because I didn't like mean girls when I was in high school, and I don't care for them now.

If you're calling me a mean girl, you better have the proof to back it up.

Because the way I see it, that's slander.

Oh, no. No, no, no.

I wasn't implying that.

I meant that as a popular, envied student with good hair and a great set of bazooms, you have the opportunity to use your power for good.

Okay, val, why don't I start with you?

Unless you keep a lid on the crazy and stop dressing like a Walmart greeter, the only action you're ever gonna get is your annual visit to the gyno.

Sorry. I'm not sorry.

[Rock music]

Whenever peeps bitched about high school being the most painful time of their lives, I always assumed they were losers.

Because I was halfway through sophomore year and I was k*lling it.

Every girl wanted to be me and every guy wanted to bone... except the gay ones, who still wanted to see my boobs.

But even though my life was perfect, I couldn't help by wonder why the hell was I wasting time recounting every little thing that happened to me on some lame blog?

Blogging was stupid.

Hey, pretty girl.

I need your expert opinion.

What do you think of this for the Sotos' cocktail party?

Add earrings. Hoops, not studs.

Change the pumps. And you might wanna think about busting out the spanx.

Oh. Thanks, honey.

I would be a mess without you.

Oh, and this letter came for you.

Can you read it to me?

My nails are still wet.

Okay.

"Dear, Jenna, as you are now, you are... awesome!

Words cannot express how perfect you are in every way.

You are a role model for girls the world over, because you are beautiful, skinny, cool and stylish.

I would not change a single thing about you.

Love, mom."

Thanks, Lace.

[Knock at door]

You can go now.

Okay.

[Door opens]

Wow. You look smokin'.

I am smokin'.

[Laughs]

I saw Tamara at the game and she asked about you.

You should really hang out with her sometime.

I can't. She's a dork.

And I don't have that luxury now.

As the most popular girl at Palos Hills, it's my job to worry about what everyone thinks.

And they think about me all the time.

Well, for whatever it's worth, Tamara misses you. Shut up.

No, really, she does.

No, really, shut up.

Mmm.

Oh, I can't be horizontal.

I just had a blowout.

Babe, I just got lasered!

Lay off the merch.

I told you, they have to settle in.

It's been three months.

["Bad Feeling" by Veronica Falls]

♪ Your face in the mirror ♪

So, are you thinking limo or town car for the dance?

I told you 20 times, I want a black on black stretch limo.

Do I need to write it down, or is reading an issue?

Don't get mad at me for saying this, but someone has to.

Jenna Hamilton's a raging bitch.

I know. But she hasn't always been like that, man.

She used to be really cool.

She was the first girl who actually liked me for me... or so I thought.

So then why do you put up with her crap?

I don't think we should see each other anymore.

I'm sorry, Jenna, you're just... you're not the same girl I met at camp.

You changed.

And to be honest, I'm kinda into someone else, someone off the grid and... and normal and down to earth.

You stupid moron. You can't break up with me. I'm breaking up with you. And for the record, it's not me, it's you.

I don't need you anyway. I could have anybody I want. I'm Jenna Hamilton!

[Screams]

Since my due-over fantasy turned out to be more of a nightmare, I decided second-guessing myself wasn't the way to go. Maybe I had made the right decision to go into that closet with Matty.

"Enough about Matty. I'm pro Jake. How did you t*nk that relationship?"

Thought that was pretty obvious.

I should've told him the truth about Matty from the beginning.

But I couldn't go back to the scene of the crime to right the wrong... or could I?

Stop.

Before you kiss me, you should know.

That guy I've been upset about, it isn't you. It's Matty.

I just had to lay it out there before you got further invested in me and I got invested in you because if I didn't, someone would've gotten hurt... namely you, with a punch to the face.

So if given the choice between you or Matty, which normally I would debate for months, I pick you.

This is a lot to process.

Trust me, you'll be much happier with me than you'd ever be with Lissa.

So I'll break it off with Matty, you get rid of Lissa, and we can be together.

What I'm saying is, I don't think that either one of us has been happy.

I feel like I need some space.

You're transferring to another school?

No, Liss.

I think that we should, you know... break up.

But I really like you.

Actions speak louder than words, which is why I'm gonna be dating your best friend.

What?

Yeah.

[Exhales]

Should we be doing this in your room?

In my fantasy, my mom and dad were out of town... a lot.

My parents are in... Aruba.

It was a win-win for everybody.

Cool.

Ahh, yeah.

Aah.

Both: Ahh.

Wait, wait.

[Moans]

Ooh, don't move.

Yeah.

[Exhales]

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

"T," the sex with mind-blowing.

It wasn't just a physical experience.

It was emotional and spiritual.

There was zero chemistry.

Sorry, man. That blows.

I don't mean to be weird, but was there chemistry with you and Jenna the first time?

Definitely.

So it is me.

Damn it!

Maybe I should try it again.

Hey, do you mind waiting in the car?

♪ Oh, I need ♪
♪ your bedroom eyes ♪
♪ oh, I need your bedroom eyes ♪

I wasn't sure if it was exhaustion from our recent bone-a-thon, but Jake was acting strange.

Maybe he was afraid I wasn't as into him as he was into me.

And there was only one way to set his mind at ease.

I love you.

Awesome.

Awesome? What was that?

You need to back off.

As in, put your thing down, flip it, and reverse it.

You're gonna scare him away.

But I love him.

That's the sex talking.

Yeah. You're in a sex trance.

No, I'm not.

Am I?

You were so right.

Jake's totally cooled it on that skitch.

So instead of looking like an a-hole by punching Jenna in the face or putting bleach in her shampoo...

I was just spit-balling.

You're in the perfect position to swoop in and win him back.

You're welcome.

Now get in there... and act cool.

Yeah.

I just feel like she's suffocating me and I can't even talk to her about it.

I'm sorry. Is this weird for you?

No! I like hearing about you and Jenna, especially how she annoys you.

Well, I probably shouldn't be saying this, but I think I made a mistake.

I miss you, Liss.

[Squeals] Yay!

We're back together.

[Giggles]

[Kissing]

Oh, yeah.

Jake's about to pump and dump you.

He's getting back together with dumb-o.

No way. We're in love.

You're in love. He's in awesome.

[Cell phone chimes]

He is dumping me.

What do I do?

You need a sexorcism.

No! Save face.

Blindside him with a preemptive dump.

But he's the one.

Both: Sex trance.

[Exhales] Ooh.

I have received many a similar text.

There is no doubt about it, you are toast.

So how do I keep him?

We have two options.

One, you tattoo Jake's name on your arm where it's visible to the viewing public.

Then you beg him to stay together.

He'll say yes because he's a sucker.

And then, never get it removed.

Or we could do it the old-fashioned way.

I'm pregnant.

[Giggling]

[Snickering]

Looks like history's repeating itself.

Maybe you'll have a girl so you can pass on the legacy of slutitude.

Just because Jake and I are back together, doesn't mean I'm gonna help you raise your baby.

Unless it's, like, really cute.

This day sucks.

Which is what you should've done so you wouldn't be in this position.

My advice, give that rugrat up for adoption.

Cute white babies go faster than singles at a titty bar.

Guys, I'm still eating for one.

I just said that to hold on to Jake.

You were trying to trap him?

[Shushes]

You make it sound so horrible.

Jenna, it is horrible.

So you're not pregnant?

Sorry.

I just didn't want to lose you.

Even if you were, we could never be together.

I would love that really cute baby, but I would never love you.

What are you guys doing here?

Shouldn't you be in Aruba?

We should be.

Seems like we're there a lot these days.

We came home as soon as we got the news.

I'm not pregnant.

It was a last-ditch effort to try an keep Jake.

Oh, thank God.

[Laughs]

I am far too hot to be a grandma.

I don't trust you anymore, Jenna, which is why I need you to pee on this stick.

[Sighs]

I can't believe you're making me do this, dad.

I'm so not... pregnant?

Switch places with me, mama bear.

You don't need to see that.

[Shudders]

Dodged a b*llet.

♪ Upside down Turns out, I couldn't trust my instincts or my blog, which apparently was h*jacked by an angry muse determined to send my do-overs off the rails.

Or was gut subconsciously trying to protect me from a miserable future with both guys?

Which meant there was a third party in the mix.

I could pick Jake or Matty or no one.

I still can't believe you blew off camp for summer school. It was so worth it.

With the extra credits, I can graduate early.

Why would you wanna do that?

Because nothing interesting ever happens in high school.

Really, not even getting digitized by Ricky Schwartz in the back of the bus?

You dirty little... you know what.

If you had gone to camp, "J," maybe you'd be a woman of the world too.

Matty McKibben worked at Camp Pookah this summer.

Why does everyone always call that guy by his full name?

Like Matty McKibben would ever notice me.

Camp levels out the playing field.

Imagine if you guys had hooked up, or had sex in a closet or something.

Boy, this year would be different.

Me and Matty McKibben? Yeah, right.

Oh. Whoa.

I'm sorry about that.

That's okay.

Missed one.

Without so much as a flirtatious wink from Matty or a coy smile from Jake, the boys walked off with their girls, never even bothering to ask Jenna's name.

[Indistinct chatter]

Isn't it great that Matty and Jake finally came out of the closet?

What I discovered during my journey into the world of fiction, one, there was no point in hoping for a do-over, because sometimes, they suck more than the reality, two, I did not want to write fiction, three, I couldn't write fiction, and four, I couldn't write the facts with an audience.

So when it came to the boys, I had no regret.

If I hadn't trusted my instincts, I would have missed out on some amazing, and incredibly painful experiences.

Experiences that made me who I am.

Who paved the way for who I'd be.

Good, bad or ugly, I was going to go with my gut, if a do-over wasn't an option maybe a start over was.

And I finally knew who it would be with.

But why was I telling the public at large?

It should be private.

Next on Awkward...

Spin the bottle, it was a wreck of a rite of passage.

The bottle didn't know what I wanted, but I did.

Remember, all good things in my life, are closely followed by something bad.

The other shoe is poised to drop at any moment.

Surprise!

Ever heard of a knock?!