03x04 - Let's Talk about Sex

[bunniefuu]

Previously on Awkward...

One a day keeps the baby away.

Oh, yes.

No one wants to be around me.

At school, everyone hates me.

I'm crazy about you.

There were certain things in my life I always wanted to keep to myself.

For example, my secret for shiny hair, my ridiculous superstitions... and my birth control pills.

[Ominous music]

[Whispering] How did he find them?

I think I left them in the guest bath.

Don't worry.

I got this.

[Yelling] What are these?

You know what those are.

I can explain.

Ha ha, Jenna, I know how birth control works.

Why didn't you tell me you were on the pill?

It's a surprise.

Actually, for your birthday... [Giggles] three months ago.

But we shouldn't be having this conversation in front of Jenna.

I agree. Gonna take my breakfast on the go.

Lace?

Why are we still using condoms?

Jenna!

In that moment, my dad went through all five stages of grief for the loss of his only daughter's virginity.

Denial.

Anger.

Bargaining.

Depression.

Acceptance.

[Types on keypad]

What are you doing?

Looking up Matty's parents' number in the online directory.

He added one more...

Broadcasting.

Mom, don't let him do this.

Kevin... don't do this.

Really? That's the best you can do?

Dad, please think before you act.

I am thinking before I act.

Because if I were to act before thinking Matty would be dead.

I'm calling.

They need to know that their son is having sex.

I agree with your father.

What?

Well, it's just good parenting, Jenna.

I don't understand why you guys are making such a big deal of this.

You bought me condoms. You knew what could happen!

I can see how that is a confusing message to send her.

The condoms were a preemptive strike to make sure that you'd be safe when the time came, which I hoped was well into your 20s.

That makes no sense.

It doesn't have to make sense to you!

It only has to make sense to me!

I'm your father!

He's right.

Even though it really doesn't make sense to me.

Dad, please don't do-- mom, help me, help me.

Kevin...

Hang up, hang up, hang up...

Just put down the phone.

Hang up, hang up.

Please, I am begging you, hang up the phone!

Hello, this is Kevin Hamilton, Jenna's dad.

I think that you should know our children are having sex.

Call me back if you want to talk about this.

You left a voice mail?

[Overlapping chattering]

Follow the sound of the clapping noise, monkeys.

Since we had to skip lunch to squeeze in this extra practice, I'll keep my notes short.

Katie, you're hyper-extending your Russians.

No one wants to see your flying "V."

Tobin, yell from your diaphragm.

You know, that place that's located directly under your itty-bitties?

And Jessica, you need to skip a few more lunches.

[Overlapping chattering]

Shut the f*ck up and let's start with partner stunts!

Lissa!

[Peppy] Ready, okay.

[Whistle blows]

What the hell is everyone gossiping about?

Is the the Ricky Schwartz bullshit again?

Like, I m*rder*d him?

'Cause if it is, this sh*t is getting really old.

Uh, no, no. [Laughs]

That's not it.

One, two.

Then what the hell is it?

Nothing.

You want me to walk into a low branch?

Everyone's talking about how your parents are broke.

[Screams, thud]

It was an accident.

I left my pills in the guest bath.

Ooh, that reminds me, I really need to get on the pill.

Are you guys having sex?

Not yet.

But soon, and then Jake-ara will finally have something over Jake-enna.

There's just one thing keeping me from being the first lady of hump city.

I'm waiting for him to say "I love you."

What are you talking about?

He says "je t'aime" all the time.

Not the same thing.

He said "je t'aime" when we were abroad.

And he was in a France-trance.

And he only says it now because he already said it, and it's stronger than an "I like you," but not quite an "I love you," which is as high as you can go love-wise.

I'm sure he'll say it soon.

[Shutter clicks]

My last pre-sex selfie.

You know it's a myth that you look different after.

Um, you looked different.

I call shenanigans.

I didn't tell you until weeks later.

But I knew something changed, and it wasn't your bangs, because those have been the same since 1998.

Well, I hope, when you do have sex, your dad doesn't call his dad to announce it.

How am I gonna warn Matty?

Just blurt it out, and then bolt.

That's how I told my mom I broke her vibrator.

I thought it was a neck massager.

Anyway, good luck, gotta run. [Laughs]

See, just like that.

[Tense music]

♪ ♪

Hey.

Hey, so my dad called your parents and told them we're having sex.

Gotta go, bye.

What? All this extra practice was for nothing.

It was an accident.

We have to call the alternate.

No way Lissa's going to recover.

She'll be out the whole season.

We're not calling the alternate.

That is the final word.

Actually, it's not the final word, because I have something to say.

The PHHS cheer bylaws do allow for an alternate substitute in case of injury, failing grades, or polio.

They were written in the '50s.

Guys, I'm sure I'll be fine.

I just need to get on my feet.

Could somebody help me up?

[Indistinct radio chatter]

Listen to me.

Lissa cheered at nationals the day after a bird flew into her face on a roller coaster.

We do not need the alternate.

I'll be fine!

[Class bell rings]

All right, listen up.

I want to congratulate all of you for inspiring me... to come up with a whole new grading system.

That's right, letters would not suffice.

I had to use words.

"Cancerous."

"Nauseating."

Uh, "debilitating."

Uh, nice one.

"Self-inflicted g*nsh*t wound to the head."

I know it's more than one word, but it was earned.

Are you my "hopeless"?

[Paper rustling]

Let's go.

[Slam]

Okay, there you go.

My essay is...

"plodden-tory"?

Is that even a word?

I had to create a word.

To describe your piece of sh*t.

Because "piece of sh*t" just sounds mean.

Now this one, this is "illuminating."

Would you care to regale us with a bit of your essay?

[Thinking] Given my recent private humiliation, it was nice to have some public recognition.

Actually, you know what? Do me a favor.

Don't read it. I can't hear it aloud.

It hurts me too much.

But you said it was illuminating.

Yes, because it opened my eyes to how bad your writing can be.

The reason you're a terrible writer is because you belong to "generation whatever."

You only know how to express yourself with abbreviations, misspellings.

You've turned punctuation into picture books.

Miss Hamilton, it's time you make me feel something.

You have to dig deeper.

Tell me something that's not easy.

With words, not emoticons.

Mr. Jennings, "promising."

"Promising" as in you want me to promise never to put pen to paper again?

No, "promising" as in "I wanted to read more about what you had to say."

And I have to say, not to sound like a creeper, but I really felt like I was in that hotel room with you.

When your mother's friend was seducing you... it was titillating.

Ugh.

[Class bell rings]

So your dad called my parents and said we were having sex.

He's so transparent.

What? Your dad?

No, this guy in my class, Collin.

My dad, he's gonna k*ll me.

I don't understand what the big deal is.

So he slept with an older woman.

Whose dad are we talking about?

No, still Collin.

Mr. Hart liked his paper and not mine.

What exactly did he say?

He said it was "illuminating."

You went into detail about our sex to your dad?

No, I meant my paper.

And, no, I didn't.

And my dad didn't speak to anyone.

He... left a message.

What number did he call?

The one from the student directory.

Nice. [Claps hands together]

It's a landline.

They never use it, and I can delete it from here.

I was grateful that Matty could erase my dad's message and put the whole thing to bed, so to speak.

Do you know what this is?

Or this?

These are photos of warts and lesions on a vag*na.

Dad, our food will be here soon.

Can we, um, put away the infected... genitalia?

I wish we could.

But you need to be aware of what could happen now that you and Matty are engaging in sexual intercourse.

And, you know, the more intercourse that you have...

Please stop saying "intercourse."

The higher your chances are to have a vag*na that looks like this.

[Doorbell rings]

Dad, got the message.

And apparently, so did Matty's parents.

What do you have to say to Mr. and Mrs. Hamilton?

I'm sorry I-I took your daughter's virginity.

Thank you.

Jenna?

What?

[Softly] Apologize.

[Softly] For what?

I am sorry for... letting him... take it?

Okay.

I think that about takes care of that, hmm?

We appreciate the phone call. [Doorbell rings]

Oh, uh, sorry. Chinese.

[Laughs nervously]

Hi!

Thank you very much.

[Sighs]

Okay, let's go.

Yes.

You're welcome to stay for dinner.

No, we can't.

My mom has... salmon thawing at home.

Oh.

Thank you for the invitation.

We couldn't impose.

[Scoffs] It's not an imposition.

I do like Chinese.

Okay.

All right.

Okay.

What... is... happening?

This is what's gonna happen.

For the next few games... [Overlapping chattering] we do mostly chants, but not lame ones.

And when we build, we do three turtle tubs with one dragon roll in front of it.

Can everyone calm the f*ck down now?

I should be back by this weekend.

Does anyone have some food?

[Whimpers]

You know, I'm about Lissa's size.

If you want me to step in...

I don't think teachers can be on the squad.

Cheerleader law is fluid in some areas.

And, yes, faculty can step in in cases of injury, pregnancy, or bear fever.

I think we should put it to a vote.

All those in favor of an alternate...

No vote.

I am the captain.

You're not going to be able to buy your way out of this one, Sadie.

All those in favor of calling the alternate?

Opposed?

I'm raising my hand.

Come on. How bad can this alternate be?

[Screams]

I'm a cheerleader!

[Line rings]

Hey, it's Jenna.

Leave a message. [Beep]

I got the call.

And now you're getting the call-call.

[Screams]

[Line rings]

Hey, babe.

So I was totally ready to do it with you.

But I was waiting on something.

But that was before I was made a cheerleader.

And right now, I am too excited to wait.

What?

I am a cheerleader!

I'm ready. Okay?

Okay!

So when y-- when you got Kevin's message, I guess it was quite a shock, huh?

Well, ahem, yes and no.

I mean, I've found things.

And by "things," I mean "condom wrappers."

Mom.

Well, on the one hand, you know it's gonna happen eventually.

On the other-- "wrappers"?

That sounds like a lot of condoms.

Have you had multiple partners?

Yeah.

How many partners have you had?

[Thinking] Maybe some things were meant to go public.

Yeah, how many?

Ah, a few.

Two?

Three.

[Mouths]

[Sighs, clears throat]

"Something private... will become public."

Well, that's dead on.

You know what fortune cookies mean?

Dinner's over.

[All muttering]

[Clears throat]

Thank you. Yeah.

We sure are glad to meet you.

Thank you for sharing your dinner.

We will do it again sometime.

Almost over.

Homestretch.

And next time we'll have better dinner conversation than our kids' sex lives.

[All laugh nervously]

Hey, we all want the same thing, and that is to not be grandparents for at least ten more years.

[Nervous chuckles]

Don't worry, Jenna won't get pregnant.

I put her on the pill.

[Laughs]

[Door slams]

Oh, my God! We're gonna do it!

I've totally been waiting for this moment for, like, at least a year.

In minutes, I'm not gonna be a virgin anymore.

This blindfold, is this part of it?

Are you kinky?

Maybe I'm gonna be kinky.

Oh, my God! I'm so excited!

[Upbeat rock music]

♪ ♪

[Crying]

Let me get this straight.

So you took your teenage daughter to get birth control pills?

Well... yes.

And here I was thinking you were concerned about our children having sex.

Matty has condoms.

I didn't buy them.

No... I did.

So you put your daughter on the pill, and you bought my son condoms.

You're encouraging our kids to be promiscuous.

No, to be safe.

Nothing good can come from teenagers having sex.

Actually, I did.

They had Jenna when they were teenagers, mom.

Let it go.

Matthew don't speak to me that way.

I'm your mother.

We need to go.

Our kids are having sex.

It's not like they're doing dr*gs.

[Softly] Matty's brother went to rehab!

Why would you violate our family's privacy?

Mom, everyone knows.

Thanks to you, because you can't ever keep your mouth shut.

Hey, Matty's a good kid.

Don't take this out on him.

Who the hell are you to talk to me about my son?

I'm just trying to help.

Listen, honey.

I'm glad you're all loosey-goosey and hippie-dippie in this house, but we don't condone risky behavior.

I am lucky that my daughter came to me and said that she was having sex, that she felt comfortable enough to seek my guidance.

Clearly, your son can't do the same.

Clearly, we're different kinds of people.

How about you worry about your family, I'll worry about mine.

And thank you for the Chinese.

Come on.

You're welcome.

I'm so sorry, Mrs. Hamilton. I am--

Oh, honey, this is not your fault.

[Sighs]

And I am not a hippie.

What hippie do you know has fake boobs?

[Sobbing]

Your mom said that I could come in, and that it'd be okay to shut the door.

Go away, and take your sex van with you.

I'm not going anywhere.

Just tell me what's wrong.

The blankets, the rose petals, the freaking moonlight romance.

The air freshener.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Is that what you wanted?

I used calypso paradise.

Yeah!

And that's the only thing that's different!

I'm really lost.

From Jenna's experience with you.

I'm always second best.

I'm the alternate cheerleader and the alternate girlfriend.

What are you talking about?

Everyone knows that minivan thing is what you had planned when you were gonna have sex with Jenna.

It was in her blog!

But Jenna and I didn't do it.

I know.

But you rehashed.

You didn't plan anything special for me.

Uh, look.

I'm a guy.

And so... I had this whole fantasy of my first time.

I just thought it would be so cool.

Really? A minivan?

Tamara, I want you and only you to be my first.

So whatever you want, that's what we'll do.

Well, I've always wanted it to be in a hotel.

Oh, yes.

Yes, great!

And then we can be as loud as we want, and no one will walk in on us, and we can put soft music on the TV.

And how about a bottle of champagne chilling in an ice bucket?

Yes, and then we can do that thing where we intertwine our arms and drink the champagne.

And then we go out on the balcony, and we yell down at people, because we're a little bit drunk.

And we'll wear those big, white, terry cloth robes when we open the door to our room service strawberries.

And then I could just pick you up, like this, [straining] And you're surprisingly light, even with the robe on. [Laughs nervously]

And I--

And you say nothing.

Because I shut you up like this.

♪ Hard to empty ♪
♪ hard to carry ♪
♪ up another flight ♪
♪ all the time it takes... ♪

Jenna?

Can we just not talk about anything personal right now?

I just wanted to tell you that I've been in your shoes.

When I was your age...

This sounds personal.

I had a dinner like that with your dad's parents.

They greeted me at the door with big hugs.

And they were so nice to me.

When we all sat down, that's when I told them I was pregnant.

Then what happened?

They started yelling at me and calling me horrible things.

They said that I had ruined Kevin's life.

And then I threw up... which just made it worse.

[Chuckles]

I was humiliated.

I am so glad we have the relationship we do.

It's the thing about my life I'm most proud of.

I'm glad you're you.

I'm so glad you're you.

And I'm glad you didn't forget to take your pill!

[Sighs]

[Laughs]

Did you?

[Upbeat rock music]

Can I get you some water?

No, thanks. I'm okay.

Just okay?

No. No, no, no.

I mean, that was--

I'm still vagingling.

[Laughs] Yeah.

It was everything they say it is, you know, in movies and songs.

Okay, I call shenanigans.

That was not fun.

Did that totally emasculate you?

Oh, no, no.

That's-- that's what I thought too.

It was uncomfortable.

And your mom started coughing.

[Both laugh]

We can try again, I mean, if you want to, of course.

Yeah, of course.

All I need is 18 minutes and a sandwich.

Ooh, a sandwich. That actually does sound good.

Yeah.

I'm looking forward to figuring out this whole sex thing with you.

I love you, Tamara.

I love you too.

♪ So hold my hand ♪
♪ 'cause talking is the source of misunderstanding ♪
♪ hold my hand ♪

Apparently I don't need that sandwich.

♪ 'Cause talking is the source of misunderstanding ♪
♪ hold my... ♪

[Chime]

[Rock music]

[Cell phone vibrates]

Congratulations.

Is that a post-sex pic?

Nope, it's a post "I love you" one.

But we had sex too.

You had sex too?

Yeah.

But the "I love you" felt much better.

Now I'm gonna go sit on some ice.

I'm sore.

[Click]

It wasn't easy for me to write about something that hit a little closer to home.

But I was finally ready to dig deeper.

"My Mother's Greatest Humiliation-- Me.

By Jenna Hamilton."

[Doorbell rings]

My mom was right about one thing.

You guys are different kinds of people.

And I'm your kind.

Can I crash here for the night?