03x05 - Indecent Exposure

[bunniefuu]

Previously on Awkward...

Jenna!

They need to know their son is having sex.

I found things. Condom wrappers.

Mom...

Jenna won't get pregnant.

I put her on the pill.

[Laughs]

Can I crash here for the night?

For a week, Matty had been on my living room couch with full parental consent.

We were living in sin with constant easy access...

[Drill whirring]

♪ I see you every time ♪

.. for my dad.

[Squeals]

♪ I close my eyes ♪
♪ the evening shadows ♪

"While living under a microscope was not always ideal, I was willing to make the sacrifice to be up close and personal to the perfect specimen otherwise known as my boyfriend. He was massively hot, wise, and--" intrusive.

But, given our intimate proximity, we had grown close.

One could argue too close... for comfort.

[Alarm beeping]

[Groans]

Matty's "staycation" at my house had been exciting.

Until my lips started to cr*ck from overuse.

Their recovery required a little extra time in the bathroom.

So I had to make sure I got there before he did.

Morning.

Or I would never get to use it.

[Splurt]

Isn't there a bathroom you can do this in?

No. Mom is in yours. Matty is in mine.

And the guest sink is too small.

[Water running]

Agh! Cold, cold!

Ooh.

Now there is no hot water.

What the hell is he doing in there?

Hmm. Mixin' the creamer.

Boys have needs.

You know, for their hygiene.

Dad...I need your help.

It's been fun having Matty here and all, but I need my space back.

And my bathroom.

Think you could make a subtle inquiry into his timetable for vacating the premises?

He's going through some tough stuff on the home front.

We need to be supportive.

Like mom's bras?

Notice she's been wearing bigger pushups lately?

No.

Well, she has, and I can guarantee they're not for you.

Good morning!

Thanks, babe.

Are you wearing a new bra?

Why, yes, I am.

You know, I think it's time for Matty to--

Toss my sheets in the laundry.

Are you sure your want me to leave the comforter folded on the couch? I can hide it.

Don't sweat it, honey.

The fact that you even made your bed is more than I can say for... other people.

The morning dig.

For my mother, it was the best part of waking up.

Kevin, the garage door is still stuck.

I had to park on the street last night.

Do you know what a dash-and-drizzle does to a blowout?

Not a clue.

I could take a look at the garage door.

Maybe this weekend?

Excellent.

I almost forgot.

Lunch? You haven't made me lunch since kindergarten.

And I feel really bad about that.

So I'm making up for lost time.

He may never leave.

Matty gets the cow, the milk, and to live in the barn for free.

And you need to do a better job with your wakeup makeup.

I'm not wearing any makeup.

Maybe you should. You're starting to look old.

You could easily pass for 25.

Thanks.

And what's up with the angel hair?

Oh, it's frizzy from my whore bath.

No, I mean... the angel hair.

Pasta. Matty's favorite.

We have had it every night.

Why should you be forced to carbo load because he ran away from home?

Does he know how cramped you feel?

I'm trying to hide it. But how can he be so oblivious?

It is like living at a resort that serves sex, spaghetti, and sports center.

I don't even miss home.

Really?

Nope, not at all. I am more than comfortable.

You haven't worn out your welcome?

Psh, nah. Jenna's cool with it.

I am so not cool with it.

We share everything-- her bathroom, deodorant.

I think he's been using my toothbrush.

Uck!

She lets me watch sports 24/7.

He cleared my TiVo for ESPN.

What about the Real Housewives?

It's as if they were never real at all.

Are you getting any action?

Nightly.

Every...night.

How do you poop when he's always hijacking your safe space?

I don't.

What? He's been at your house for over a week.

I know.

Jenna, a backup like that could easily become a blowup. He has to move out.

You can never leave.

Oh, hey.

Hey.

Jenna, how you doing?

Hi.

Oh. Um...

I should get to class.

Don't forget to take your pill.

Your mom told me to remind you.

Hey! I wanted to make sure you're bringing alcohol tonight.

I'm always down for a booze schmooze.

What are we doing?

The annual cheer sleepover at Sadie's.

Didn't you get the email?

No.

Maybe it went to spam.

Maybe.

Did you get the one about pom-pom hygiene?

Purelled and polished.

The new dance pants?

High cut.

And I wonder what kind of...

I'll be right back.

Actually, there's not gonna be a sleepover this year.

I got confused. It happens.

Bye!

She just froze me out.

Why would you want to spend a night at Sadie's anyway?

Because she is still treating me like I'm the cheer alternate when I am the cheer ultimate.

I'm going to that party.

Are you sure?

Yes! Sleepovers are game changers.

And I give professional sleepover.

The key is not to sleep until it's over.

And then we hiked out of the canyon and back into reality.

My guide was gone, and suddenly... my life made sense.

Are you done? I couldn't tell.

Hamilton, what'd you think?

[Clears throat]

I thought it was... a little pretentious.

Really?

Yeah.

Taking acid in the desert, quoting Hunter S. Thompson, and writing about a half-peyote shaman that you hallucinated-- it's cliche and obvious.

Easy, Hamilton, you're describing my early 20s.

[Laughter]

Then again, I was a stupid kid.

I didn't understand life.

Or pain. Or love.

Or how to write a damn thing...

That wasn't an attempt to seem cool.

Humility, Mr. Jennings.

It's a very important part of the process.

And, although I don't agree with "Hambien" over here, she does make a good point.

It's easy to go where expected, guys.

Don't go there.

Now...

Ms. Hamilton.

Ooh! Sorry. Sorry. [Laughter]

You okay?

Yeah, I-- just a little sleep deprivation at home.

My suggestion: Grab a nice glass of warm milk with one of your essays.

If you're anything like me, it'll knock you right out.

[School bell rings]

All right, that's it, turds. See you guys later.

Jenna.

I just wanted to thank you.

For what?

Your candor in class.

Listen, I am tired and out of it.

I don't have patience for your sarcasm.

I wasn't being sarcastic.

It was sincere. You were right.

My story was pretentious, and I'm okay with that.

But...obvious?

That's the last thing I want to be.

So thanks for being honest.

It's a... hard thing to do.

Collin was the last guy I thought could handle the truth.

But if he could, maybe Matty could too.

And since I'm all about quid pro quo, you might want to check out a mirror.

You've got a bit of a 'stache.

Little experiment gone awry, huh?

Bet you wish you would have drawn it on your finger instead.

Less of a commitment.

I didn't do it.

It's was Mr. Hart's idea of a joke.

Fell asleep in class.

Ah, result of some late-night sex play with the live-in?

Mm, mm, mm?

How's it going?

To be honest, it's changed things.

I mean... I want to be there for Matty during this hard time.

I just don't want him to be there with me.

You need the lovin', but you want to bring back the mystery.

I feel ya.

How do I do that without hurting Matty's feelings?

J, you came to the right place.

I am an expert at getting men to leave my pad, most often in the dark cover of night, while I'm sleeping.

Okay, just brainstorming here.

Ideas. [Sighs]

Ideas, ideas, ideas.

Get a cat.

What's a cat gonna do?

Right. Better make it two.

While some men can handle the warm purr of a single kitty, they can't handle a cat's cat.

Oh, and look for one with a**l gland issues.

Unwanted cat splat will send him a-packin'.

Val, I'm not getting any pets.

Tried sharing his neti pot?

I don't even know what that is.

Baby talk during sex!

Oh. Ahem.

[Baby voice] Ohh...

Matty watty, your little peeny weenie is sho shnuggly wuggly.

I want him to move out, not move on.

Well, that's all I got.

Ugh, look at the time.

If you have any follow-up questions, you can call, text, or tweet.

Bowling lesson. I gots to go.

[Stomach rumbling]

Suddenly, so did I.

The coast was clear.

I finally had the house to myself.

My guilty pleasures had been piling up all week, but with no throne to perch on, I couldn't truly enjoy them.

It was time to take care of business.

Uh, what are you doing here?

Practice was canceled.

Ohh. Oh.

Bet you my mom made you a snack.

You wanna meet me in the kitchen?

I'm not really hungry.

Can you try to be?

'Cause I really, really need to catch up on these important cultural critiques.

Important.

Yes, and I need to do it in there, alone, with scented candles and dim lighting, and you are driving me crazy!

I love you, but I love myself too, and I need space. And my bathroom and my hair products. And I need privacy, Matty!

Okay, slow down.

I can't, I've kept it all bottled up, and I just need to let it-- [Passes gas loudly]

Your parents called to remind you that they're going to the Hollywood Bowl tonight.

Won't be home till late.

Good to know.

And your mom left money for pizza.

Or we could just head over to the chili cook-off.

[Both snicker]

[Laughing]

Matty, I am so sorry.

Oh, don't apologize.

Every once in a while, we all have to let out a little steam.

Oh, shut up.

No, hey, hey, hey.

You were right to explode.

Don't--

[snickering]

I am a dude.

We can be a little oblivious.

I didn't mean to put so much pressure on you.

[Chuckles] I have a solution.

I will call Jake, and I can head over there tonight.

Somehow, Matty had made it comfortable to be uncomfortable.

Don't.

If you're comfortable here, you should stay as long as you like.

Really?

No.

But stay the night.

We had turned off the pressure, which meant it was time to turn on the fun and shift Matty's gears from brother to lover.

What do you want to do?

Something we've never done before.

You don't have to do this.

But I do.

If those girls smell fear in me, I'll never be accepted.

Tamara, they're evil.

Do you remember Lee Anne Hodges?

The girl who transferred to the school for the performing arts?

She's not performing anything except One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest,

24 hours a day.

She's at a psychiatric facility... in Utah.

She checked in after those girls made her check out.

I call shenanigans. They're just cheerleaders.

Who are out for blood.

Just promise me that if anything goes wrong in there, you'll say the word?

What word? Our safe word?

We don't have a safe word.

Then we need one. What is it?

Stop.

You know, I'm gonna be fine.

As they say, there is always safety in numbers.

You can't handle this.

It might be painful.

And dirty.

Oh, the dirtier the better.

You sure?

I'm ready.

Pick your p*rn.

How 'bout that one?

Asian Persuasion 9?

You think Ming is hot?

No.

So she's not?

Eh, she's not not... hot.

This is a trick question.

I'm kidding. Grow a funny bone.

I'm trying to.

Oh,Harry Potter And the Half-Blood Whore.

Call me Dumbledore, and I will show you my staff.

[Laughs]

I can't watch wizard p*rn.

But it's the only one with a story.

Why do you need a story beyond "This goes into that, repeat until everyone makes a weird face."

Because that sounds gross.

Why are we doing this again?

'Cause... we've gotten way too comfortable with each other, and we need to shake things up.

We need to shake things up.

When are the other girls gonna get here?

Never. No one wants to deal with Sadie now that she's broke.

She can't soothe her sadism with spa treatments anymore.

So it's just the three of us?

Yeah.

I gotta make a call.

[Sighs]

Jake, you need to stop doing whatever you're doing and stop me from staying the night--hurry!

Consuela's gonna give us mani-pedis, but she only has energy for two, so, Tamara, feel free to wait outside... with my dog.

Thanks for your lack of hospitality, but I think I'm gonna head out.

Good! Now I won't feel bad talking sh*t about you to your face.

Oh, please.

Don't hold back.

Really?

Because I do have a question for you.

Bring it.

When you kiss Jake, does it taste like Jenna?

I don't know-- when you kissed Ricky, did it taste like me?

Skitch.

Whore.

Guys, let's not get wound up.

Consuela, get my spirit board.

Unlocking the afterlife can be really dangerous.

We should keep it locked.

How about we play "Light As A Feather" instead?

Ricky, if you can hear me, set the record straight.

Did you love me more than this bitch?

Ricky, were you attracted to Sadie's mannish appearance because you were gay?

Guys, I-- I brought Tangled.

Did the thought of Tamara's face put you in the grave?

Or did Sadie shove you in there herself?

Was your death an accident?

[Gasps]

Did someone k*ll you?

Both: Who k*lled you?

This is not okay!

Let the spirits rest!

I need a ride home.

Okay. Just waiting on Tamara.

She's not coming.

[Phone bloops]

She's not coming.

Do you believe in the afterlife?

In what way?

In the way that your sins come back to haunt you.

You mean like karma?

Yeah.

Sure.

I think God's punishing me.

♪ Oh oh oh ♪

I lost my virginity this summer.

[British accent] I'm not ready to lose my virginity.

Is that supposed to be Hermione?

Less watching, more kissing.

Mmm.

[On TV] Oh, yeah!

Ohh!

Why would someone do this?

Oh, I don't know. Costume fetish?

[Both giggle]

Oh. I'm sorry.

But look at that girl.

She's actually pretty.

She could have been a real actress.

Yeah, if she could act.

She's probably a runaway.

So?

So it's disturbing.

It's not like there are little girls who run around saying, "When I grow up, I want to have sex with strange men on camera."

It's sad.

What's sad is how much you're k*lling the moment.

Way to be insensitive.

It's not like those girls have their boyfriends' homes to run off to when things get tough.

You know, I'm-- I'm tired.

I'm gonna crash.

I'll be out of here in the morning.

That's it. Let it happen.

Off to dreamland.

No.

No, I won't go there.

Unless you want to call a truce?

If you let me sleep, I will let you sleep and I'll leave first thing in the morning.

You don't even have to feed me.

Oh, I won't.

Good.

Great.

Both: Truce.

Your bed is the floor.

Or you can sleep in my dog's bed, since he's with Consuela.

But there's plenty of room for both of us in yours.

It's non-negotiable. I don't co-sleep.

[Whimpering and crying]

What is wrong with you?

I have a bad back.

And I don't care.

[Whimpering like a dog]

Are you gonna do that all night unless I let you up here?

Yes.

Fine!

But don't touch me.

[Sighs]

Matty, we need to talk.

Uh, not now.

I'm sorry.

I didn't mean to hurt your feelings.

Please don't make me do this through the door.

I'll just be a minute.

That's when I realized Matty might have been working out another problem.

Oh, my God, are you shaking the...

So our comfort zone had finally gotten uncomfortable.

For both of us.

I finally realized Matty didn't need a lover.

He needed a mother.

Maybe it's time you talked to your parents.

Why?

They haven't called since I left.

That's pride.

I didn't talk to Jennifer days after she found out I wrote the letter, and I'm the one who made that mess.

And what'd she do?

She let me process... how to talk to her and then, when I didn't, she found the strength to talk to me.

There's no instruction manual on how to parent.

Sometimes, our kids have to teach us what they need.

Jenna did that for me.

Maybe you could do that for your mom too?

♪ Charade's all over ♪
♪ why are we so sad? ♪

What...the...f*ck?

Ooh! [Thud]

What the f*ck?

You were touching me.

Don't get excited. I'm a snuggle bug.

Any warm body will do, especially one that's bigger than mine.

It's morning. You can leave now.

I'm going.

Can I get a ride?

Consuela has Sundays off.

What about your parents?

They're not home.

Where are they?

Don't f*ck with me.

I know you know my dad left the country and my mom's holed up somewhere for exhaustion.

So it's true.

You are broke.

Yeah, so what?

Are you gonna tell everybody?

Yeah! I have a big mouth.

If you want me to keep quiet, you're gonna have to thr*aten me.

If you say a f*cking word, I will ensure that you also break your neck during practice.

Your secret's safe.

Hey.

I'm, uh, I'm gonna take off.

Get out of your hair.

Are you going to Jake's?

No, I'm gonna go home.

Your mom gave me some good advice.

I'll see if it works.

Okay.

Okay.

Are we okay?

Yeah.

By the way... what did you think I was doing in the bathroom?

Oh, I thought you were... you know... shakin' the creamer.

Oh, no.

I do that in shower.

It was the first time in days I could relax.

I was free to do anything I wanted in the privacy of my own room.

Within limits since my dad had yet to put the lock back on.

My space was finally safe.

But suddenly, it felt empty.

I forgot something.

So apparently we were back to normal.

And all it took was confining Matty's access to the back door.

The actual back door.