03x17 - The Campaign Fail

[bunniefuu]

Previously on awkward...

You're suspended.

Ms. Marks called you For dating advice, and she made you touch her breast?

I am not gonna publish this.

It's all true.

It's cruel.

I need to go home.

See ya.

Thank you for being my hero.

That's all I ever wanted to be.

[austra's hurt me now]

Morning had broken, and so had I, Because of the choices I had made under the influence Of a drug-- collin jennings.

Against my better judgment, I had bought into his propaganda, And it left me heartbroken, alone, and humiliated.

I felt left out in the cold...

Because I was.

[leaf blower roars]

? on a bed of stone ?

Surprisingly, my dad was willing To let me back in the house...

? oh, don't hurt me now ?

Which didn't mean he was ready To put me back on his "friends and family" plan.

? oh, don't hurt me now ?

There were no "buts" about it.

I had hit rock bottom.

I wanted my life back.

I knew it wouldn't be an easy campaign, But I couldn't make an omelet without cracking a few eggs.

Fresh pepper?

Sure. [chuckles]

I printed off the college basketball scores From this morning's paper. Go, jayhawks.

Thanks, jenna.

My campaign seemed to be working.

I was winning over constituents left and right.

What's this?

Your bill for the month.

If you don't want to live by our rules, Then this is a business relationship, And you can pay rent.

Oh!

I'll deduct 20 bucks since you slept in the yard.

I may be your landlord, But I'm not heartless.

Mm.

My well-meaning breakfast Having done nothing to sway public opinion, I resorted to pandering.

I know you love that extra vent.

You look pretty.

I know.

What are you doing?

Getting a life.

Apparently, I need one.

Okay, posters up, banners draped, speech written.

Do you think people will know I spelled "president"

With a "z" on purpose?

No one's gonna vote for me if they think I'm a dumbass.

I can't believe you did all this in one night.

Did you sleep at all?

Yeah!

I made these too, with my button maker from fifth grade.

Thank god my mom's a hoarder.

I was hoping I could win back my friends With a little glad-handing.

Hey, guys!

Hey.

Uh, hi.

I think you'd make a great president, t.

You always were a leader.

Are you being sarcastic?

Not at all.

Can I wear one?

Well, you both look good.

[sighs]

You proved your point. This is hilarious, And adorable, and you can stop now.

Oh, no, no, no, no. I am running.

I already got the required 175 signatures.

Overnight?

Look, jake, If you want to be president, You're gonna have to fight for it like everyone else.

You think it was easy for me to find banner paper And grommets after 7:00 at night?

Crepe paper doesn't twist itself.

So, if you're done dancing around the maypole, It's time to strap on and play some hardball.

Okay. Game on!

Game on.

More like game off!

That's not a thing.

The warm--or rather, lukewarm--reception From my peers was a clear sign My approval rating was on the rise.

I felt encouraged, inspired, and like myles mcallmond, I was determined to run a clean race.

? breathe it out breathe it in ?

And, like myles, I would fail.

As a result of my recent trip down ecstasy lane, I have conveniently forgotten The mud-slinging had already begun, And I was the one with mud on my hands.

Mr. Hart, you cannot publish my essay about val.

You were right, it was cruel, and when I wrote it, I was in a bad, bad place.

But I am no longer in that place, So you can just throw it away, And I will write something new. Deal?

Hart's not here today, so I'm covering for him.

His grandma d*ed.

Again.

Great!

Not great about his grandma, Great that I have time to k*ll my essay Before the experior comes out.

That would have been all over the place.

Wow, timing on that couldn't have been better.

There was nothing I could do.

The information had gone public.

I had to warn valerie.

I need some advice about getting a life.

I want do something, be something, go somewhere.

I cannot tell you how long I have waited for you to say that!

I have always wanted To blow this town thelma and louise style.

Like, take a drive into a canyon.

Then we live how I imagine they lived in that canyon, With some indians.

No, I mean, get a job.

There's got to be something here at the school I can apply for.

I'll do anything.

Can you apply a band-aid?

Yes!

Can you dial 911?

Yes.

Can you wield an ice pack, even if it's really cold?

Yes!

Can you wield A really cold ice pack While dialing 911?

I can!

You're qualified.

Oh, my god.

Yeah.

I'm qualified!

Wha--uh--for what?

Have you heard of the a.S.S. Contest?

I won one!

But I didn't get a paperweight. I won 50 bucks.

It's a district-wide after school special contest That we won!

And the prize is a nurse for a month.

A school nurse?

Am I really qualified for that?

No, but you don't have to have any experience, Or to pass any competency tests.

Heck, our last nurse was certifiable...

In cpr, but she was also koo koo kachoo.

I mean, she had a walrus face.

Huh.

One last question.

Do you have any problems with nepotism?

Don't even know what that is!

You're hired.

I'm a nurse!

And, I already own a nurse's outfit.

Okay, crotchless doesn't count.

Hey, is it okay to sit here?

[clears throat] Absolutely.

Is devon gonna be okay with that?

Yeah.

She's actually off-campus and... [phone chirps]

Texting as we speak. [sighs]

Is everything okay?

Everything is fine.

Do you want to talk about it?

I think that might be A little weird, you know? Considering?

We don't have to talk about it.

Good.

Great.

Okay, so here's the deal.

Devon was totally cool about You and our...History. I mean, she completely Encouraged me to stay your friend.

Wow, she's perfect.

That is what I thought, until she completely freaked On me last night when I went to pick you up.

Well, she's human.

Wait, you left her to pick up me?

That is besides the point.

The point is that she hasn't stopped yelling at me over text.

Is it all in caps?

Half and half.

Then you're good.

She's just venting.

But now I am--

I am a little freaked out.

I mean, I've had enough drama, So I think I might need to take a break or something.

What do you think?

It was a loaded question.

Selfishly, I wanted him to take a break And spend his free time with me.

But, it was time to stop being selfish.

I think you should take a b*at and let her calm down.

It's understandable why she's upset.

I would be too.

Yeah, you're right.

Now, can I get your opinion on something?

Sure.

During my sanity sabbatical, I wrote a mean article about val for the lit magazine, And it came out today.

Hey, maybe it's not as bad as you think.

Let me take a look.

The lowercase "t"s are gluten free, 'cause I care about The digestive requirements of all students.

Vote for tamara!

[fanfare music]

My fellow titans, Vote for Jake!

[cheers and applause]

[laughs] All right!

[cheering]

Ming! You forgot to "asiacate" the mafia about the game change!

Dude! Take off the shirt.

Unh!

[grunts]

[groans]

Mm!

Vote for tamara, okay?

[mumbles]

Got it?

[distant cheering]

Point those crazy eyes somewhere else.

I'll fix it!

Sadie, I need your help.

Skiddads, nancy pe-loser.

I'm making a deal with urban outfitters.

Ten times what I got for the banana slicer.

But I need your virtual support, And since you're my cheer-sister, You have to give it to me!

You wanna settle, crayzilla?

Settling.

I know you've got thousands of followers, And even if only a few of them go to this school, It could totes rock my vote.

So, if you could just tweet about me, Maybe use one of my slogans, Or post a pic of us in our cheer gear?

My followers look to my feed for opinions delivered cruelly, Sans couching, in under 140 characters.

It's not about promoting you or anyone else.

That said, if you'd like to be a paid sponsor--

Yes! How much?

I'll give you the banana slicer rate.

500.

I don't have that kind of money.

Well, then, I guess I can't help you.

Which works out, because I didn't want to.

Hmm.

These cookies taste like defeat.

So does my fist.

Okay! New mandate.

We're putting our support behind tamara now.

You're flip-flopping.

So?

The circumstances were beyond my control.

Clearly.

Now, I want t-shirts, Cupcakes with tamara's face on them with leopard print icing.

Figure out how to do that.

And who do we know who's a skywriter?

I'm gonna stop you right there.

We're not doing any of that.

[mocking voice] Um, yes, you are.

You still don't know how this works.

Please. As head of the asian maf--

That's exactly what I'm talking about.

We never say those words aloud.

We're supposed to be hiding in the shadows.

Taking down posters in the dead of night, That's the kind of thing we do.

And what's up with the cheat sheets?

I'm getting "c"s.

What?

Yeah.

And have you seen our ledger?

It got puked on at a rave.

The accountant went to a rave?

You need to get that kid under control.

And you need to lose the 'tude, And the jake shirts.

And wear what?

Do I have to figure everything out for you?

You can go now.

Wow!

It's bad.

Yes.

But don't worry, people only read the experior

For the sex stories.

Nobody's gonna bother with your essay.

As much as it pains me to say, Your essay is awesome!

I am impressed.

It is way more barbaric than anything I could have written.

Unfortunately, matty was wrong.

People were reading my att*ck ad, And worse, they were believing it.

[bell rings]

Hey, what's up?

Why are you giving me the cold shoulder?

Are you kidding me?

I'm really sorry I didn't take you home last night.

If it's any consolation, I ended up getting a cab.

That's why you're sorry?

? swing for me child is there something else I should be apologizing for?

? swing for a while ?

Oh, I don't know.

Letting your ex slip me "x,"

Making out with her right in front of my face--

I mean, right in front of my face--

Trying to lure me into a threesome?

I thought you'd be cool with it.

No. Not cool.

Did you sleep with angelique?

How long have you been sleeping with her?

... you and I will become one...

[sighs] You never stopped.

I'm sorry.

I thought we were on the same page.

So did I.

Look, I'm pretty sure I was clear About not wanting a girlfriend right now.

If you were clear, then I am deaf.

Hey, if you brought this up to me At any point in the relationship--

So now it's a relationship?

Yeah.

A relationship that was never exclusive.

I ruined friendships because of you, Alienated my parents, publicly eviscerated valerie--

Stop! Those were all your decisions.

That's all on you, jenna.

You're right.

And being an ass[bleep] is all on you.

But I was a bigger one.

As much as I wanted to blame collin, or the pot, Or my evil twin for corrupting me, I was a willing participant in my descent into darkness.

?

And I'd pulled val down with me.

That brings me to proposal number 20, Locker swap.

Many of you suffer from l.P.S.D., Locker placement stress disorder, Because your locker is near an ex's, Or some creepy guy who leaves you gross notes.

With locker swap, you can trade lockers With someone in a different hall.

It's like online dating, but for lockers.

In conclusion, it's time for a change.

Vote for me.

Make palos hills tamara-land.

[cheers and applause]

Whoo whoo whoo whoo! [cheers and applause]

And now, we'll hear from our next candidate, Jake rosati! [cheers and applause]

Hello.

Whoo, whoo, whoo!

Yeah, jake!

You got it!

I know what being a.S.B. President entails.

My opponent, unproven.

You've trusted me for three consecutive years, But can you trust my opponent?

Well, that depends.

Can you trust someone who sometimes pretends to be On her period...

Oh!

To get out of gym? [crowd murmurs]

Sorry, guys.

With me, what you see is what you get.

My opponent?

It's not even her real hair color Or her real eyelashes.

[laughter]

Oh! It's latisse!

They grow really long.

Can I finish?

Honest, real hair color.

I think the choice is clear, huh?

[cheers and applause]

You want to play dirty?

Let's do this.

The only reason prom tickets aren't sold out yet Is because everybody thinks "barack o-prom-a"

Is a lame theme. [laughter]

Miss kaplan, this is not a debate.

Mr. Rosati, don't respond to that.

This is a forum where people can just speak--

Please.

If it wasn't for me, That water fountain outside the cafeteria Would have never been fixed.

No one cares about that drinking fountain.

With my soda machine initiative, it will be totally obsolete.

[cheers and applause]

Instead of focusing on the past, We should be thinking about "tamara"!

Give it a rest. We got the reference the first, Second, and twentieth time that you used it.

[crowd oohs]

At least I have a slogan.

But how do you expect us to take you seriously when it's written in glitter pen?

[laughter]

It adds pizazzle, Which is what I plan to do in office.

I have an endless supply of brills ideas.

Like hiring a DJ for picture day.

What's wrong with that?

There's no need to change picture day.

Picture day was just fine on his own.

Like this campaign, it doesn't need you.

[gasps] you think you can just Show up on picture day and put in no effort Until the last minute?

Picture day is special. Don't take it for granted.

Don't you have plenty of other things to worry about Instead of meddling in picture day?

Well somebody had to meddle in it, Because picture day was phonin' it in.

Personally, I'm just glad I'm not the type of leader Who feels the need to prove a point.

And I'm glad I'm not the type of leader that thinks everything Will just be handed to them because of their popularity.

[cheers and applause]

This guerilla debate is over!

Ms. Marks, I need to see you in my office.

Oh, yeah, I know, cell phones are verboten in auditorium.

It was an emergency.

My kitties.

My office, now!

I didn't get a chance to give my speech.

Ugh, you were never gonna win.

The speeches are over. Get back to class.

Don't make me keep saying it.

I've said it, like, 40 times!

If our bodies were 70% water, I was probably down to about 4%, Which meant it was time to face valerie.

If only I'd had a speech writer to help me find The right words to say.

But I couldn't help but feel...

.. the memories slide there weren't any right words.

[knock at door]

Wrap it up!

I need my favorite stall for a tink and think.

.. against my mind I didn't know it was you.

How did your speech go?

It was okay.

It wasn't okay. It sucked.

.. your arms crossed to the ceilings ..

.. when the aliens came it was a bold move, but I couldn't help myself.

I needed that hug.

The smell of her hair, and the feel of her earring on my cheek Reminded me of the best of times.

Times I wanted back.

Our hugs were like an old sweater, The kind you...

Cram in a shrink bag.

Have you seen ming?

I could really use a friend right now.

Um, no.

Well, if you do, tell her to come find me.

♪ wake me up after midnight ♪
♪ with your atlas eyes ♪
♪ your atlas eyes ♪

Where's valerie? I really need to talk to her.

And what's there to talk about?

I'd imagine you've said all you needed to say.

What's going on?

Ms. Marks is on an indefinite suspension.

I always knew she was a few knights short of a crusade, But I had no idea she was that crazy.

You k*lled it.

Thanks, and thanks for voting for me.

Bye.

[both screaming, laughing]

Nice job, madame president.

Look at us.

The two most powerful people at palos hills.

Yeah.

Thanks for your help.

I couldn't have done it without the asian mafia.

About that--I'm not sure they voted for you.

I mean, you won, so they must have.

Why wouldn't they? No, they did. [laughs]

I don't know.

That was so sexy.

We have to role-play again like that sometime.

That's my cue.

What's wrong?

Are you for real?

A.S.B. President was my thing, So you took it from me just for the hell of it, And it means nothing to you.

Well, it sure seemed like it meant nothing to you.

You didn't even want to work for it.

I don't understand why you're so mad.

You're my girlfriend!

What if I wanted to be a cheerleader?

I'd love that!

Camp would be a blast!

What if I took your spot?

The only spot left on the team?

I'd go back to band.

What if I learned how to play The clarinet and then took the last chair?

I think anyone who wants to join band can join band.

You don't get it.

I get that someone's being a sore loser.

I'm not being a sore loser.

Whether or not you think I was over it, I wasn't.

I loved being president, and you ruined that for me.

You have no interest in this. You just had to prove a point.

You had to put me in my place.

Well now I'm gonna put you in yours.

We're done.

Take care.

I had bypassed dinner, And I wasn't even on a hunger strike.

I wasn't hungry.

All day, I had tried and failed to navigate my way Through the politics of my relationships.

If aristotle's theory was true, And man, by nature, is a political animal, I would argue that I was a sitting duck.

There was no point in trying to right my wrongs anymore.

I had gone too far, And there was only one action left to take--

Quit my campaign in disgrace.

?

Some say that actions speak louder than words, But actions are temporary. Words are forever.

I realized that I was making the mistake Of putting too much importance on actions, When ultimately, words were going to provide my redemption.

Specifically, two of them.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

I'm so sorry, mom.

[sniffles]

[both crying]

♪ ♪

I'm sorry.

Next on awkward...

What's tonight at matty's?

The saint matty's party, For saint patty's day.

Devon and matty broke up.

Why?

Apparently, she's convinced He's not over you.

Everyone, this is hunter.

She's a former student of mine.

What can I bring tonight?

Just yourself.

Matty, this is my friend, bailey.

Thank you for coming.

Come find me later. I want to hang out.