04x07 - After Hours

[bunniefuu]

Previously on Awkward...

It's you.

It's over, Tamara.

Jake, no.

I'll see you then.

That girl's a straight-up creeper.

I left because what happened to you up there was kind of rough.

I couldn't figure out standard deviations for the life of me, but there was one formula I was finally getting the hang of-- the formula for moving on.

One spectacular senior year with my friends plus one amazing new boyfriend minus absolutely zero lingering feelings for Matty equals me ready to start a new chapter in my life.

Okay, babe, break time's over.

Back to the riveting world of statistics.

So for each number in the formula, you subtract the mean and do what?

I have no idea. Want to make out?

Uh-huh.

Hey, kids, do you want some desser--

Jesus!

Someone needs a tutorial on knocking.

I am so sorry, sweetie.

I'm just gonna be a bad parent and pretend I didn't see any of this.

Just promise me you'll be careful, because if you've learned one thing from your father and me, it's that it only takes one thrust for someone to become a teen mom.

That is so embarrassing.

[Clears throat]

Now, where were we?

Uh, it's getting pretty late.

Should we just pick this up next time?

Good idea.

No more distractions.

It's been a pleasure being your math tutor.

I accept payment in the form of Visa, MasterCard, or, in your case, a really excellent kiss.

My formula for moving on seemed to be working out great.

When I kissed Luke, all I saw was my present and my future... and Matty?

On second thought, maybe I needed to get my eyes checked.

Hey.

Sorry to interrupt.

Matty, right?

Great to meet you. I'm Luke.

Yeah, I know. Hey.

Matty, what are you doing here?

I thought you'd be on lockdown after the Mr. PHHS pageant.

Yeah, I'm grounded for life, but what are they gonna do, add another day for sneaking out?

Anyway, I'm here on business.

Oh, the BF/GF/BFF concert.

BF/GF/BFF is the name of a band?

No, it's not. It's a--

Never mind.

I'm sorry. I forgot about this.

Same.

No clue what Jake and Tamara are doing with theirs, but I figured you could have mine and--

I don't know-- take Luke if you want.

Thanks, man, but I have midterms this weekend.

Why don't you guys just go together?

Seriously? You wouldn't mind?

Not at all.

You shouldn't miss a show you already paid for.

I am down if you are.

Sure. Why not?

It was great being with a secure, mature college guy.

Only some high school spaz would make a big deal out of a couple of stupid concert tickets.

These concert tickets are a big freakin' deal, Rosati!

You don't even deserve to look at them!

Oh, okay, I can't look at them.

No, you can't look at them.

Ugh.

This footage is fantastic.

Why are you guys filming this?

We're making a documentary called Straight People Are Basic.

You'd be so great in it!

Oh, no, no.

Good luck with that.

Would anyone be interested in either Jake or Tamara's ticket to Echosmith?

There's no way they're both going.

Oh, pick me. Pick me, please.

Oh, please, Hamiltacky.

Even if Austin and I didn't already have tickets, I'd never be desperado enough to take your friends' sloppy seconds.

I believed you when you said you had three pet dingoes and a vacation home in the Outback!

Do you know how humiliating that is?

OMG, did you hear that?

Hear what?

That's the sound of me not giving a flying f*ck.

All: Oh.

Thank God we were never that bad.

I'm sorry you had to see Luke and I mid-make-out last night.

Well, Jenna, it's not like it was the first time.

Ouch. Totally true, but ouch.

Luke seems like a good guy, though.

I'm really happy for you.

[Sighs]

It is hard to find a person of quality around here.

Trust me.

You know, maybe I'll write another song and call it My Crazy Ex Talks Like A Speed Freak No JK, LOL.

How are you gonna do that without your precious harmonica?

All: Oh!

Aw.

I didn't do anything wrong, except date a psychopath who can do a convincing Australian accent.

When you speak, I want to die, just FYI.

Stop it! Stop it! You've both been acting crazy.

It is time that you learn a thing or two from your friends/model exes Jenna and Matty.

These two have managed to maintain the peace even after Jenna cruelly cheated on him and fell down a rabbit hole of sin.

Smash-cut to the brutal irony of this year--

Jenna is now dating a hot college stud, and Matty is still single and alone.

I'm-- I'm fine, actually.

Shh. Don't speak.

What I'm trying to say is that these two have a million reasons why they should be putting up their dukes in the quad, but they are choosing to be mature.

Fine. You want maturity?

I'm giving up my ticket. Have fun at the concert.

Yay! That means I win.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, stop!

Do you guys, uh, know anyone who might want Jake's ticket?

'Cause I think I know a girl who could really use a night of love, laughter, and music.

Talking about me.

Val was right.

It wasn't fair that I was in a solid relationship with Luke while Matty was getting hit on by girls who didn't even know how to spell "monogamy."

He deserved better.

Now that my ex has exed himself out of our plans, who should we invite?

I'm cool with whoever.

I'll see you guys later.

This is gonna sound weird, but I kind of wish Matty had a girl to bring to the concert.

Hold the iPhone. What are you talking about?

Seeing Matty move on like I have would make me happy.

I call bluffnanigans, Jenna.

No one wants to see their ex date other people.

I do. I want Matty to date.

Really?

Well, if you're so sure, why don't you set him up yourself?

Maybe I will. Got any suggestions?

As a matter of fact, I do.

Eva.

She's so down-to-earth and nonthreatening.

What do you think?

Setting up Matty with one of the hottest girls in school wouldn't be my first choice... or second or 90th.

See? I told you, Jenna.

Put a TBD on your NBD attitude.

You know what? You're wrong.

Hey, Eva.

Mother F, I wasn't serious.

Hey, girls. You both look super chic today.

What's up?

I was wondering.

How do you feel about live music?

Wow! What a cool car, Tamara.

Just remind me to put a paper bag over my head when we roll up to the venue, okay?

Press pause on the ungrate hate, Sadie.

Would you rather be driving your wienermobile to the concert?

You're showing visible signs of discomfort.

Back massage commences now.

Now that I had accepted Tamara's challenge and gotten Matty and Eva together, it was time for me to do a little massaging of my own.

I love your dress, Eva.

Oh, thanks.

It was a gift from an old friend-- Alexander Wang.

Ugh.

Too strong?

Too desperate.

You know, you two look really good together.

Oh, you think?

Excuse me. Oh, sorry.

Hey, uh, what are you doing?

I just want you to have a good time tonight-- no hidden agenda.

Okay, well, you're being weird, but okay.

Playing matchmaker with an ex proves you've gone from point A to point cray.

I'm not crazy.

Maybe once you finally get over Jake, you'll understand.

Please. I'm so over Jake.

Can we go?

♪ we walk like there's nothing wrong ♪
♪

Rude. Give it back.

Can you not look at your phone while driving?

You are way too obsessed with Jake.

It's not healthy.

Please tell me someone here has alcohol.

If I have to share this gross oxygen pool with you losers, the least you could do is get me drunk so I don't remember it.

I left my flask at home, but we can get drinks with our fakes at the show.

No one here has a fake.

[Clears throat] I do.

Matty, this won't even get you into an R-rated movie.

It's okay; we can stop by this place downtown.

They do fakes on the quick.

I got my first ID there when I was, like, 15.

You told us you were at boarding school in Switzerland when you were 15.

Le Rosey, yes, and I was dating a DJ in LA.

That would fly me out on the weekends and stuff.

From Switzerland?

A couple of Xannies on the plane, and the distance feels like nothing.

The show's gonna start soon.

Do we really have to do all this work for just a couple drinks?

Oh, come on, Jenna.

We all know you roll with the older crowd now.

But us children, we still got to fend for ourselves.

Okay, whatever, I'll take us.

Just put the address in my GPS.

♪ we walk, we walk, we walk like nothing's wrong ♪
♪ we walk like there's nothing wrong ♪

[Siren wailing]

Eva, you neglected to tell us this place was on the corner of hep C and r*pe.

Oh, it's fine. We can park here.

Seriously, I've parked here all the time.

It's never been a problem.

Eva, you've been everywhere, and you know everything.

Would you please consider being my life coach?

Sure, I'm always happy to help those in need.

Sadie, can we talk for a sec?

Ugh. What do you want?

I have this great photo of you for your ID.

Nice try, you sketchy skitch.

Nothing happened that night, and you know it.

I know.

It just kind of looks like something did.

I wonder what Austin would think.

You wouldn't dare.

Probably not.

But if you're at all worried, you might want to think about being way less bitchy to me.

[Rock music]

♪

You folks lost?

Pinkberry's down the street.

Hey, babe. How have you been?

We're here for IDs.

White bread, perma-scowl, you two, in the back, now!

Yes, sir.

Jenna, just so I'm clear about what's going on, did you invite me to the concert to set me up with Matty?

Not exactly, but if you're into Matty, I want you to know I'd be totally cool with it.

Seriously?

Yeah, it's clear you guys have chemistry, and I don't want to get in the way of that.

I'm so relieved you're not one of those girls that's psycho about her ex.

You're awesome.

[Camera shutter clicks]

What do you want your name to be?

Austin Welch.

No, Austin.

You have to create a fake name.

But that would be lying.

Duh, that's the point.

Austin S. Welch.

[Camera shutter clicks]

[Tattoo needle buzzing]

That looks so painful.

Getting them removed hurts more.

Really?

Yeah.

When I got rid of all my tattoos last year, I had to drink straight tequila to get through it.

Why'd you get rid of them?

Things change. You need to cleanse.

Sounds like something I need to do with my tattoo.

Doubtful.

I bet it's sexy. Show me.

[Sighs]

Oh, that's an easy fix.

"4 Eva," see?

Well, that was quick.

With just a touch of her palm, Eva had found a way to erase my past with Matty, not that it bothered me.

Matty's and my history was exactly that-- history.

Yo, prom king and queen, front and center.

Hey, drop the phone.

Jake just tweeted that he's in a hot tub mackin' on some groupies.

WTF?

I'm the only girl he shouldn't be giving orgasms to.

[Cell phone clicking]

Stop it!

You're being a bugaboo, Jenna. I'm fine.

Do you think Matty's upset with me for setting him up?

I might have jumped the g*n on this.

Furious. He might never get over it.

You guys, guess what names we chose for our IDs.

William and Kate, because, duh, we're royalty.

Wow. How romantic.

Whoa! Where did that come from?

My plan to make Matty happy was working.

So why was I suddenly feeling so unhappy?

It's not like I still had feelings for him.

Holy f*ck, I still had feelings for him.

Let's test these babies at the liquor store down the street.

We're already late. Let's just go.

You know what?

I'd actually love to get a bottle of this rose that Luke turned me on to.

Eva, would you be up for some classy PBR?

It's my favorite.

Ugh. Fine. Go.

But I'm staying here.

I would have to lather myself in Purell before stepping into that etch-a-sketch place.

[Cell phone clicking]

Excuse me.

Do you have the time?

Ew!

Do you not own a cell phone?

I do now.

[Gasps] Oh, no, you don't!

This phone is my lifeline!

My texts, my music, my contacts, my photos, my Twitter, my Pinterest, and my comprehensive notes dedicating my five-year plan!

Back off, bitch!

Hey, let your phone go!

Thanks.

I had it under control, Jenna.

No, you didn't. You have a problem.

Actually, she has multiples.

Your car is being towed.

Stop!

My friend said it was okay to park here!

I said it's usually okay.

Please can I have my car back?

Consider it for $200.

Guys, put all your money in, now.

Thanks.

Hey! I thought you said--

Said I would consider it.

What?

[Engine turning over]

Guess we'll never forget this first date.

That made the three of us.

Just so you know, I only came because of Matty.

Sorry to pull you out of your groupie orgy.

Hope you disinfected before you came.

Or should I say after?

[Clears throat]

Oh, am I crushing you?

Nah, you feel great.

Wow, glad you two are enjoying yourselves after our friend got mugged and we lost all our money.

Is there a problem, Jenna?

I couldn't say.

In my quest to move on from Matty, I had ended up where I started-- a jealous, insecure wreck.

No. No problem at all.

Let's give Eva a round of applause for all her genius ideas that got us into this hellhole.

[Clapping]

[Cell phone chimes]

Oh, what's that?

It's nothing.

Keep clapping.

[Clapping]

Your threats don't scare me, Eva.

Austin and I don't have a typical relationship.

If you haven't noticed, he's a little different.

I can be honest with him about anything, so your little plan to blackmail me is as useless as you are.

It's going to cost you $400 to get it out of the impound.

Jake, you pay for it.

Consider it my settlement in the Jakara breakup.

No, I'm done.

I don't care enough to fight you anymore.

T, can we sidebar?

You have got to stop it with Jake.

You're embarrassing yourself.

Oh, please, Jenna.

Ever since Matty and Eva started hitting it off, you've been guzzling down haterade.

At least I'm owning my crazy instead of leasing it.

[Giggles]

So do we make out now?

Not yet. I need to show you something.

Oh, I haven't seen this photo of you before.

Your skin looks beautiful.

Oh, and there's Matty.

It was taken one night after we had fallen asleep together-- totally innocent, nothing happened.

Okay. Great.

You look like you're gonna puke.

Matty and I kissed, okay?

And it meant nothing, and I promise it will never happen again.

[Sighs] I feel so much better.

I'm really glad you told me.

Really? I was nervous.

But I knew you would understand.

Oh, I understand.

You're a liar, and I need to break up with you.

What? Austin, I didn't lie.

I'm telling you now.

You lied when you said you would be monogamous, and you just lied again by saying that you didn't lie.

Austin, you're getting this totally twisted.

When someone lies about fidelity in a relationship, the probability that they'll lie again goes up by more than 80%.

I'm not some statistic.

I'm your girlfriend. I just need to--

I'm sorry, but this is about what I need, and that's 100% certainty that you won't betray my trust.

I can give you that.

Just give me a chance to prove it.

But that's the problem, Sadie.

You've already proven to me that you can't.

Hallelujah! We are free.

They are finally releasing my car from captivity.

How?

My expert negotiation skills, obvi.

My grandmother let me charge it to her credit card.

Are you okay, Sadie?

Where's Austin?

Matty, can I talk to you before we go?

Sure.

I'm sorry if I was rude tonight.

I thought I would be cool with seeing you date other people, but it bothered me more than I thought.

I noticed.

I promise not to interfere with you or Eva.

You two have my blessing to be together.

Your blessing? Are you serious?

Do you even know how ridiculous that sounds?

Should I have given you my blessing when you cheated on me with Colin last year or maybe when you started to date Luke?

We don't need each other's blessings, Jenna.

We're not together.

Hey, let's go.

Eva, you gonna come with?

[Mouths words] I'm sorry.

Jenna, we're gone, baby, gone.

Come on.

Hey! Get out of my car, man!

Jesus!

You too!

Close call, boys.

Bummer.

We didn't even get to see Echosmith play.

At least we got some fake IDs out of it.

Oh, you guys got fakes? Let me see.

I'll show you mine if you show me yours.

"John Smith"?

Jake, this is so lame.

Oh, whatever, William, Kate.

Whatever.

It's cute. We're cute.

Yeah.

What do you say we call Jake a car and then you and I can get out of here?

I love that idea.

Great.

Jake, we're calling you an uber.

You're too drunk to drive.

You don't have to do that.

Yes, I do.

Ugh, it smells like tweakers in here.

One sec.

Yeah.

I thought Eva was too good for high school guys.

Looks like she made an exception there, Jakey.

[Siren wails]

sh*t, hide the booze, man.

[Indistinct chatter over police radio]

You two been drinking tonight?

Well, yes, sir, we have, but our friend went to go call us a car, so...

Yeah, we didn't start drinking until we got to the concert, which we didn't even end up seeing.

Hey, I'm not asking for your life story here.

That's great, because I don't have a life story to tell you.

Show me your IDs.

You little candy-asses getting a thrill by being in this part of town?

Yeah, you don't know anything about us, so why are you being such a d*ck?

Shut up, dude.

That's it. Out of the car right now.

Right now. Come on.

We didn't do anything wrong.

Those open containers just jump in your car when you weren't looking?

How'd you guess, huh?

Get!

Matty!

[Cell phone chimes]

Sometimes it felt like I was stuck in an emotional prison waiting to be set free from my feelings for Matty, and now that I had Luke, the handcuffs were coming off.

Gets even better.

Precinct lockup is all full.

You boys get to spend the night in County.

[Sighs]

Next on Awkward...

We can still make it to SCU by midnight and spend our night with real men.

Every one of them is like a living, breathing J Crew catalog, only hotter.

Hey there.

[Belches]

Surprise!

Don't we get one phone call?

I'd rather die in prison than call Jenna right now.

Gonna give you his brother's number.

He'll know exactly how to handle this situation.

I went to Jenna. She said she couldn't help.