04x08 - Prison Breaks

[bunniefuu]

Previously on Awkward...

I want Matty to date.

Why don't you set him up yourself?

Maybe I will.

Matty and I kissed.

You're a liar, and I need to break up with you.

What?

I promise not to interfere with you or Eva.

We don't need each other's blessings, Jenna.

We're not together.

Out of the car right now. Right now, come on.

We didn't do anything wrong.

The night so far had been an epic fail.

Three girls, three fights, and two broken hearts.

I was sick of fighting with Matty.

Why couldn't we move on?

Why was I letting Matty McKibben ruin another night?

I had a new man in my life, and he and a drama-free night were just 40 minutes away.

Turn the car around. Not going down like this.

We can still make it to SCU by midnight and spend our night with real men, college men.

Who's down for a little road trip?

Hell to the yes.

They say the best way to get over someone-- that someone being Jake-- is to get under someone new.

And that someone new is a yet-to-be-named college guy-- or guys-- with their manly scruff and five-button cardigans.

Every one of them is like a living, breathing J Crew catalog, only hotter.

Let's frickin' do this.

Let's frickin' do this.

Let's frickin' not!

I need you to take me home, pronto.

The only thing worse than getting dumped is an "Eat, pray, suck" road trip with you two morons.

Good luck with "Crossroads 2."

What did Sadie know?

Crossroads is an underappreciated gem.

And Luke and his bed would be the perfect remedy to everything.

Surprise!

I couldn't believe it.

Was Luke really cheating on me?

I wanted to speak, but I couldn't form words.

Lucky for me, I had a best friend who was never at a loss for them.

WTF? A rub and tug with a fug?

The only ending you're getting tonight is an unhappy one.

And you?

I may look like a delicate flower, but I am a million-dollar baby.

I will grab that messy mop and pull so hard, you'll have to go to every Supercuts from here to Oakland to re-create that "Oh, I just rolled out of bed looking like this, let me give you a sensual massage" look.

So put 'em up, 'cause it's go time, bitch.

Jenna, I'd like you to meet my best friend, Shayne.

Hi. I'm Shayne.

By the way, I'm gay.

Gay or straight?

Don't worry. My brother's been through this a thousand times.

They hold us for a night, then we're brought before a judge in the morning.

We will be out after that.

Okay, right.

What's the matter?

You can't do a night in the clink, bro?

Oh, no, it's not that.

I had a ton of beer back there.

I got to go to the bathroom really bad.

They have toilets inside.

You know I'm pee shy dude.

Gay or straight?

Straight.

Hey, what are we going to say?

We're straight.

Yeah, but what if the gay wing is nicer?

[Door closes]

Gay or straight?

Straight.

Wait. Why would you ask me that and not him?

[Chuckles]

[Door slams]

[Ominous music plays]

♪

Don't we get one phone call?

Yeah, we do.

How's this thing work?

Do we need wooden nickels or something?

It's like that gumball machine, but no, uh, coins.

Collect calls only.

Okay, whatever.

Whose number do we know by heart?

What about Jenna?

You have to have her number memorized.

I'd rather die in prison than call Jenna right now.

Come on, man.

There's got to be someone else whose number we have memorized.

[Phone beeps]

[Phone vibrates]

Hello?

Hello, this is a collect call from the County Prison.

Not tonight, Ally.

Get out of another drunk-driving sitch yourself.

[Dial tone]

Yo.

Holy sh*t, you escaped?

Do you know how much trouble you're in now?

What are you talking about?

I just wanted to remind you before the vikes hit the zinny that I got a girls' brunch with Val and Lacey tomorrow.

Weirdo.

[Phone beeps]

[Phone rings] _

I'm sorry to just barge in.

I was just missing you.

No sweat.

It can be a little hectic around here during midterms.

"Hectic" didn't capture the real.

It was a full-on sensory as*ault, a revolting blend of stank, rank, and jank.

Desperate times equals desperate measures, which equals Tamara digging for treasure in this filthy heap of boy scuzz.

Hey, there. I'm Tamara.

[Belches]

Not sure that was the heat Tamara had in mind when she pledged to hook up with a college guy.

OM Jesus, I need to scrub a "Tuna fish, root beer, and corn chip" burp off my face, stat!

Bathroom's down the hall to the--

It's coed!

Hey.

I'm sorry. I really have to study.

Luke was proving difficult to pin down.

Maybe I just needed to get a bit more creative in my approach.

What are you doing?

How about I quiz you, and for every right answer, you get a reward.

Okay.

"The end of the Neutrality Act came with the passage of this law in 1941."

The Lease Lend Act.

Yes.

Wait. No, I mislabeled it.

I think it's the Lend Lease Act, I'm pretty sure.

Can I see it?

Yep.

[Hip hop music]

[Toilet flushes]

I can't do this.

I can't do this.

Go. I'll form a human shield.

No, it's not that.

Then what?

My... "situation" .. has graduated from a stand-up job to a sit-down one.

Eesh.

[Prison cell door closes]

Good luck with that.

[Buzzer sounds]

Uh, hey, that's my bunk.

Hey, man, I was assigned that bunk, so...

Wha-- Oh! Um, I'll go up in... here.

With Luke distracted, I thought a nice view and some fresh air would help us reconnect.

Isn't it nice?

Plus, it doesn't smell like coffee and Ritalin up here.

[Chuckles] Totally.

Ugh. Seriously?

All right, let's-- Jenna, no!

What? It's just a nasty old flip-flop.

That was the doorstop.

It keeps the door from closing.

I don't have my phone.

Can you call Tamara and get her to come get us?

I left my phone downstairs.

Great. Now we're locked out here.

My effort to connect with Luke had left us locked out in the cold.

I needed to generate some heat and fast.

[Sighs]

Well, while we're stuck out here, we might as well make the most of it.

Hmm?

[Sighs]

Hey. Hey, what's wrong?

Jenna, you just don't understand how important my studying is.

You're still in high school.

What does that mean?

Look, that didn't come out right.

No, Luke, why don't you tell me what else I don't understand because I'm just in high school.

Ugh.

Ugh.

[Sighs]

Ah.

Wait your turn, son.

I got a few pounds to drop in here.

Oh!

Oh!

Word to the wise-- you might want to think about keeping an eye on your boy tonight.

He ain't making no friends.

Thanks.

What you in for, homes?

Who knows? You?

Pulled a trigger, made some things disappear.

Normally, I'm one easygoing mother.

But if someone gets on my nerves, look the hell out!

Believe it or not... my troubles began when I was younger than you.

[Buzzer sounds]

Oh, hey.

Doing your nails-- nice.

You know, when you think about it, there is no more important part of a lesbian than her fingers.

Do you just blurt out every offensive thing that you think?

No. It's actually very careful curated.

Why aren't you studying for midterms like all the other cockroaches in this godforsaken hellhole?

Because I finished them last night, duh.

Boys-- not only are they unsanitary, but they don't know the first thing about managing their time.

[Gasps] Oh, my God.

Exactly.

I am all about managing time appropriately, especially for senior year.

My color-coded system to get me through the next few months would blow your mind.

Really? 'Cause I'm the girl who goes to staples to unwind.

Oh, my God. Don't even talk to me about how much money I spent at staples last week.

Hold up. Is that Caramel Spell?

Obvi.

Scooch over, girl.

Hey.

I didn't mean that you don't understand because you're still in high school.

I just-- [Sighs]

I'm on scholarship here.

And if I don't make my grades, I'll lose it, and then I'm out.

There's no way I can afford this place otherwise.

So midterms are an extra-stressful time of year for me.

I'm sorry. I had no idea.

I wanted to tell you.

I just know you maybe have this picture of me as this cool, confident college guy, which I am.

I totally am, like, all day.

Right.

But I'm also a complete dorkus about school.

I put myself on lockdown this weekend so I could get everything done and make time for the important things in my life... like you.

In that moment, Luke was everything-- his vulnerability, his honesty, his work ethic, no games, straight lines.

He was a great boyfriend, and I wanted to be an equally great girlfriend.

Okay.

If you need to keep this scholarship, then we need to get down to brass tacks.

Hand me those flash cards.

I am going to lend-lease you a hand.

"Lend-lease"? Really?

I regretted it as soon as I said it.

My parents abandoned me.

Trouble kept finding me.

Soon, the streets became my true moms and pops.

I was raised on the block, son.

I got my PhD in straight hustling, homey.

Yeah, I can relate, man.

I just found out I was adopted.

Really?

By some rich-bitch m*therf*cker up in PV?

Yeah, but--

They fed you, bought you clothes?

They did, but--

What kind of car you drive?

Escalade.

Drove it off a cliff.

[Laughs] An Escalade?

Damn, son.

They ain't even have the courtesy to buy their adopted boy an S Class.

Homey, you got adopted by some straight jerks.

[Laughing]

"Drove it off a cliff."

[Chuckling]

Come on, Luke.

What were the main points of the Potsdam Treaty?

I think it was...

I thought you had to study.

I think we've studied enough for the night.

I just want to enjoy you.

I came here tonight to hook up, but it's been a complete fail Mary.

What's the deal?

I thought college guys were supposed to be so much cooler, but they're just like high-school guys, plus 2 years and 20 pounds.

I did the guy thing for a while, but it wasn't until I was with a woman that everything clicked.

I mean, guys just take so much longer to evolve into functional adults.

And the road to get there is filled with douche stops.

Oh, talk to me about douche stops.

My last boyfriend went into a "Mumford and dumbs" phase.

So trajnoxious.

"Tragic" plus "obnoxious."

That sounds horrible.

Not to mention he could never buy me a ticket to ride the big oh-llercoaster.

You know what they say.

Never send a man to do a woman's job.

[Both laugh]

Okay, I need to stop or get a towel for the serious verbal vom that's happening right now.

Nice, huh?

Oh, my God. I am so sorry.

I totally misread the situation.

Let's do this.

Hey.

Freedom.

♪

Ugh. Shayne, you've got to stop hooking up with girls in my bed.

Good morning.

Oh, my God.

Walker, you have a visitor.

That's you.

Let me go.

Are you insane?

This might be my one sh*t at getting to an actual bathroom, man.

Fine.

But whoever it is, you get us out of here.

I'm Walker.

Is there a real bathroom anywhere?

Even a plastic bag would do at this point.

Sadie, how did you find us?

I was there when Matty got his fake last night, dickweed.

And since you left with Eva, I figured you were dead or in prison.

Oh, and the recorded call from County helped.

Now, what the f*ck happened to you?

Matty and I got busted for drinking.

We showed the cops our fakes, and they bought them, but then Matty started mouthing off, so he got us arrested for open containers.

Where was Eva?

I don't know. She was there, but she bailed.

That bitch ditched?

I'm going to f*cking k*ll her.

Oh, relax.

Sadie, if I don't get out of here soon, I'm gonna do something really bad.

You're gonna hurt someone?

No.

I'm gonna sh*t myself.

Listen, dumb-ass, give up your fakes, tell the cops you're minors, and legally, they can't hold you.

If they even hesitate, tell them that your friend is going to tweet at The LA Times that their incompetence is endangering the lives of two cute, innocent high-school boys, and it'll go viral faster than HPV at Coachella.

And they'll be mall cops at the Beverly Center for the rest of their meaningless lives.

Whoa.

Okay.

With processing and everything, you should be out in an hour.

Thank you.

Oh, hey, wait. How do you know all this stuff?

Orange Is The New Black.

Hmm.

And the next thing you know, we were breast friends...

Hands everywhere.

I think we had sex--

Not 100% sure, but I did feel, like, 1,000 volts sh**t through my thighs at one point, and my eyes rolled back into my head, and the orgasms just kept coming, fast and bi-furious.

I swear I saw Jesus surfing a rainbow-colored star.

So does this mean you're--

"Heteroflexible"?

Maybe, though I think it's more like that time I wore a blazer around for a week.

Looks good on Ellen, but not for me.

And when mom was over in Seattle, she moved down here with Sonic Youth, so there's, like, a 65% chance I'm Eddie Vedder's kid.

And then there was that brief period that Kurt and Courtney broke up, so...

No.

Yeah.

Get out of my face.

Kurt Fuller and Courtney Cox might be your parents?

So cool.

I was almost the kid on the cover ofNevermind, but my mother's a very private person.

[Clears throat]

Hi, kids. How was your night?

Nothing too crazy--

Concert and then right back to Tamara's.

Okay, don't worry. I am off the clock.

There is no need to censor yourself.

I'm not Counselor Marks in your home.

I am just Val the pal.

Eva, what's up?

Oh, my God. I'm so glad to see you.

I really need to talk.

Lacey said I should just hang out until you got home.

Lacey.

Hmm.

Why don't we go talk in my room?

Sit, spill.

How was the concert? Any highlights?

Just the ones slipping through my fingers this morning.

Do tell.

Lesbi honest. I kissed a girl.

Whoa!

Boom!

Bi-curious George.

Interesting.

Well, that's a thing that-- that some people do.

Oh, please.

Once you've knocked a few back, a mouth is just a mouth.

Well, I could never do that with a girl.

Oh, really?

Newport Beach, junior year?

That wasn't Kevin, hon.

Oh, my God! [Gasps]

They're in jail?

I know, and I totally would have stuck around, but after my shoplifting thing last year, my dad would have frozen my trust.

Okay, this is insane.

I was hoping you could go down to the station with me and help get them out.

Matty's self-destructive streak had hit an all-time high.

But it wasn't my responsibility to be his savior anymore.

I'm gonna give you his brother's number.

Call him. He'll know exactly how to handle this situation.

[Buzzer sounds]

Hey, all we have to do is tell them we're minors, and they'll let us go.

But if we say that, they'll know we had fake IDs.

Ugh. We will deal with that later.

All I know is that this place will be painted brown if we don't get out of here right now.

So let's go.

Okay, okay.

Uh... yo, Jordan, uh, we're getting out, man.

b*at the rap. Enjoy it, son.

Thank you so much, and I learned a lot hearing about your struggles.

You know, if I can ever do something to help you get out of here.

Maybe put you in touch with some good attorneys...

Attorneys? Dude, I am an attorney.

You are?

Stanford, class of '02.

And you k*lled a man?

What the f*ck are you talking about?

Uh, you-- you pulled a trigger.

You made some things disappear.

Yeah, I work in an investment bank.

I shorted some securities that I couldn't cover, and then I made the transaction disappear.

Oh.

Now I'm gonna f*ck you up!

We're minors! We're minors!

And I really have to go to the bathroom!

Choices-- sometimes you need to make the hard choice to cut someone out of your life, or else you won't be open to the possibility of someone new and amazing coming into it.

Feel better?

Oh, much better.

I can't wait to get home, though.

I'm exhausted.

Me too.

Are you going back home?

Yeah, I guess. There's worse places, you know.

Mm.

I'm so glad you guys are okay.

Eva, what the f*ck? You totally bailed on us.

Hey, hey, hey, let me handle this.

So what happened back there?

Matty, I'm so sorry, but I've been in trouble before, and if I mess up again, my dad's sending me back to New York, and my mother--

So I went to find help. I went to Jenna first and...

And?

Well, to be honest, Matty, she was kind of rude.

She said she couldn't help and that the person that would know about jail was your drug addict brother.

I'm sorry. I came back here after and just trying to think of something else, and I've just been waiting for you.

Thank you.

It's been, like, the worst first date ever, right?

I didn't even get a good-night kiss.

Yeah.

What about a good-morning one?

What about a conjugal visit?

After that night, I knew if my head was full of Matty McKibben, it would get in the way of opening my heart to Luke, and I wasn't going to let my Matty story, which was over, mess up my Luke story, which was just beginning.