01x05 - Suffering & Scuccotash

Episode transcripts for the 2015 TV show "Significant Mother". Aired: August 2015 to October 2015.
"Significant Mother" is about a guy who starts sleeping with and then continues to date his best friend's, and roommate's, recently separated Mom.
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01x05 - Suffering & Scuccotash

Post by bunniefuu »

I said sell, Janet.

I don't care if no one's buying, we're selling.

'Cause I'm Harrison Marlowe, and I'm wearing a suit.

No, take that off immediately.

I have to go, Janet. I gotta go.

If you're gonna give all this stuff to Goodwill, can I please keep this suit?

What do you want with a stuffy old suit?

I was thinking that it's time to take life more seriously.

No, no, no, no.

I love the way that you take life, light and sweet...

Just like your coffee.

Yeah, but you deserve a deeper, more robust brew.

What are you saying, Jimmy?

I'm saying I want to be fancy for you.

B-but see, I-I-I I spent almost 30 years married to a guy in a fancy suit.

Now I just want a guy who suits me.

No, I-I'm saying that, that I like you for you, just the way you are.



Now take that off.

Why don't you take it off for me?

Because it's Harrison's suit.

Good point. Uh... Better idea.

[dance music]

♪ ♪

I don't know that that's better.

♪ ♪

Oh, okay, okay, all right. That's better.

♪ ♪




What? This?

♪ ♪

[gasps] Oh, my God, hide.


What, why?

It's my mother!


Jimmy, you have to get out of here.

Get out, please, go.

[rock music]

[doorbell rings]



♪ Hey! ♪
♪ Ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ♪
♪ Ah ah ah ah ♪

Oh, my gosh, Mom.

Oh, honey, look at you!

What a fun surprise.

Yeah, just like those bangs.

Mom, why didn't you tell me that you were coming... to my house? In person?

Called you bunches.

Well, I guess your, uh, phone doesn't receive incoming calls.

Or make outgoing ones.

Mom, I text you all the time.

I deserve a more personal message from my daughter than I get on Twitter from Kim Kardashian.

I heard that she calls her mother, used to be father, every day.

I just want to hear your voice once in a while, as proof of life.

Text messages are proof of life.

Liam Neeson would disagree.

Oh, okay.

Anyway, I just thought if I showed up, you couldn't keep avoiding me.


Did your housekeeper quit?

Mom, I don't... I don't have a housekeeper.

Oh, I can see that. Bless your heart, honey.

Now, how are things with Harrison?

Oh, they are... They are complicated.

Well, let me make it simple for you.

You do not want to start over at your age.

Your options are limited.

Older bachelors?

Well, they will dump you the first sign of the lady sweats.

And even worse, younger ones who will do the same thing unless you pay their way.

Trust me, after your father d*ed, I saw it all.

It is time to take your husband back.

Ooh, besides, once a man has been inside you, you can never truly get him out.


And, uh, whose are these?

Um, well, those are Harrison's, and I'm taking them to Goodwill.


Goodwill, good-bye. Boom.

And, uh, are you taking these too?


Nate, I need youhelp.

Uh, Jimmy, I'm kinda busy here.

(on phone) It's an emergency.

I'm in your mom's bush, and I'm naked and afraid.

[mellow music]

We'll give you some privacy.

Are you seriously calling me while having sex...

Not that bush, her front bush...

The... the front bush in her front yard.

(on phone) Gammy came over and I had to jump out the window without my clothes.

My Gammy's there? Oh...

Oh, no, oh, okay, all right, stay right where you are.

Where else would I go, Nate? Where else would I go?

[upbeat music]

Jimmy? Jimmy.

Nate. Over here.

Thank you.

You're welcome.

So, based on the fact that you're out here and my mom's in there, I assume she's not telling Gammy the truth?

I don't know. It all happened so fast.

I mean, one minute I'm doing a strip tease for your mom, the next I'm in a bush, having a naked staring contest with a squirrel.

Please stop talking about my mom's bush.

Nate? Is that you?

Oh, hey, Gammy.

Jimmy, what are you doing in Lydia's bush?

I was just smelling the roses.

My mom texted me.

Of course she did.

And told me you were here.

So, so, Jimmy and I came by to see you.

Oh, well, I'm so glad that you did.

(Gammy) Your mother just told me the good news.

She did?

What good news?

Your mother and father are back together.

[together] What?

So, Mom, why did you tell Gammy this unbelievable news?

I don't...

Before you told me, I mean.

Well, um, Gammy, found your father's suit and underwear on the floor, so I had no choice but to tell her he'd moved back home.

Can you believe it, Nate?


The power of prayer, it works every time.

Well, at this point, I'd believe pretty much anything.

Well, I am thrilled.

Harrison, bless his heart, is not a perfect man.

But the two of you took a sacred vow in front of me, Jesus, and your poor d*ad father, and if you had broken those vows, it would have k*lled your poor daddy all over again, ugh.

["Hallelujah" ringtone playing]

Oh, I have to take this. Excuse me.

♪ ♪

So I guess you're not telling Gammy about us?

No, we can't. I'm sorry, Jimmy.

I may like you just the way you are, but... but this isn't about me.

This is about her and what she thinks of me.

I thought you were all about standing up for your relationship.

Yes I am, just not to her, not now.

I know it's awful to lie to her, but our relationship is a little hard to swallow, and it's so new.

I just want to protect it from people who'll be determined to see it fail.

I don't think you're giving Gammy enough credit.

Really? You heard her.

Between Jesus and my d*ad father, do you really think she'll accept that I'm dating the kid she caught tooting his own horn to the Bible?

Hey, I was 12, and I wasn't tooting my own horn to the Bible.

I was tooting it to the nudey pictures I had hidden in the Bible.

Said my boyfriend to my mother.

You know what? You're mom's right.

We need to keep it a secret.


At least until I can prove to Gammy I'm more than just some...

Immature Bible humper.

Oh, so you're never gonna tell her?

Look, I'm sorry, you guys, but I can't lie to my Gammy.

I won't.

Okay, well then I guess we're just going to have to tell her who k*lled Barky Mark.

That was an accident.

Yes, that you caused, and I took the fall to protect you.

But you know what, you're right.

It's wrong to lie.

So I think we should probably just tell Gammy that it's your fault the dog she got you ended up under the old elm tree.

You wouldn't dare.

I would.

Welcome to adulthood, Nate.

The people you love are monsters.

(Gammy) Sorry about that.

Now I am absolutely starving.

How about we call Harrison and have him meet us for some private family time at Nate's restaurant.

You know what, I have a better idea.

Why don't I just swing by and pick him up, and then we'll meet everybody there?

You don't mind leaving us alone for some family time, do you, Jimmy?

No, of course not.

After all, there's no "I" in family.

[lively music]

♪ ♪

Well, this is a nifty turn of events.

So are you gonna help me or not?

I don't know, Lydia.

On the one hand, I would like nothing more than to move back into my own home.

On the other hand, I don't think I'm over you abandoning me.

Abandoning you? I didn't abandon you.

I asked you to take a break, which led to you [clicks] breaking in your secretary.

And to you making a sex tape with our son's best friend, so I think we're even.

Fine, then name your price.

All right. But you're not gonna like it.

Oh, come on, I spent 27 years married to you, I know how to deal with things I don't like.

I want a Tesla.

[guitar strums]

Gammy. I didn't know you were in town.

You look fantastic.

So do you, Sam.


I wish I was as flat as you so I could pull off your style.

Oh, I wish I was as old as you, so I could remember the Korean w*r.

Oh, this is a good find, Nate.

Tells it as it is, no B.S., so refreshing.

Oh, who is this talk drink of muddy water?

The name's Atticus.

I am the farm to your grandson's fork.

And the bangor to my mash.

Looks like a brown Indiana Jones.

Thank you for that observation, I can see where Lydia and Nathaniel get their casual elegance from.


["Hallelujah" ringtone playing]

Oh, me again. Ooh, be right back.

Since when are you two so close?

Since last time she was in town.

We both have a thing for Burt Reynolds.

Who doesn't? She seems to be taking the whole Jimmy and your mother thing well.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, she... That's because she doesn't know.

Yeah, apparently my mom and Jimmy are determined to keep it a secret.

Until Jimmy can prove he's mature enough to be a suitable suitor.

So they're never gonna tell her.

That's what I said.

Ah! Nate.

My boy! I am so glad that you know that your mom and I are finally back together.

(Lydia) Ooh. Yay.

Oh, so that's where that went?


Yeah, it's amazing, isn't it?

It is.

And I know just how we are going to celebrate.

Nate, you are moving into the house for the entire weekend, so we can have family time.

Oh, I can't... refuse.

I can't refuse.


Because I am fixing to make a celebratory succotash tonight.


And tomorrow...

Sam and Indy are gonna join us for an extended family brunch.

Well, we would not miss that.

Are we calling me "Indy" now?
[suspenseful music]


♪ ♪


♪ ♪

[ladder rattling]

♪ ♪

Uh, I miss you so much, babe.

[both screaming]

Gammy, it's me.

What are you doing sneaking into Nate's room?

Jimmy, what are you doing here?

I didn't know it was Nate's room... that Gammy was sleeping in.

Well, now you know. What is this all about?

And why are you calling him "babe?"

♪ ♪

Ugh, it's gonna come out sooner or later.

You're right.

Yo, and Gammy should know that...

I'm gay.

For Nate.

And Nate's gay for me. And, uh...

We are gay for each other.

I love you, babe.


Well, something definitely came out.

Guys, this is getting out of control.

You're the one who almost outed us to Gammy.

What was I supposed to say, babe?

You... Jimmy, you don't have to call me babe when Gammy isn't here.

Don't worry, Gammy's leaving tonight.

Everything's under control.

Oh, yeah, that's easy for you to say.

You're not the one stuck in some weird fake relationship.

Oh, really?

Okay, bad example, but...

Hey, guys, what color Tesla should I get?

You're getting a Tesla?

Yeah, that was the price for my silence.

Don't say that to him.

Why am I not getting anything?

You're getting to remain an angel in your Gammy's eyes.

Stupid Barky Mark.

The ghost of that dog will haunt me forever.

Nothing says "Hello, world, we're gay," like mimosas and brunch.

Gammy, I have to say, I'm a little surprised you're so okay with this.

Why? If the Pope is okay with it, who am I to judge?

Besides, I always knew you were gay.

You're so fastidious.

Mom, that does not make him gay.

No, but Jimmy slipping it to him, that kinda does.

Dad, why would you suggest Jimmy is the one slipping it to me?

(Gammy) Don't you be ashamed, Darling.

If you prefer a dominant man, we are all behind you.

Especially Jimmy.

(Gammy) Though I am concerned about the pairing.

You are so smart and ambitious, and...

And Jimmy is, um, an immature Bible humper.

Well not anymore, Gammy.

I'm ready for a serious relationship.

With your grandson, who I love, dearly.

What are you doing?

Just setting the stage.

(Sam) Well, look at this big, happy family.

Nate texted me that the truth is out, just like these two.

You sneaky poofters.

(Gammy) Welcome! Now let me go prepare the fixings for the mimosas so we can have a toast.

Uh, Lydia and Harrison, can you help me?


What exactly are you setting the stage for?

Well, the way I see it, if I can prove to Gammy that I'm good for you, then she'll know I'm good for your mom.

Then we can just tell her the truth.

How are you gonna prove that?

By showing Gammy how deep my love goes.

Holding my tongue.

And by pitching her all my best business ideas.

That way she knows I could provide for you.

For your mom, sorry. It's a little confusing.

You know, you should probably run these by us first.

I mean, just to get an objective opinion.

(Jimmy) Good idea.

Allow me to tell you about Jimmothy Industries newene invention... the shower toaster.

Never again will you have to choose between bathing and breakfast.

Won't the toast get wet?

Good note.

Yeahl'm also thinking about starting an artisanal jam company called "Totes Jelly."

It will be the envy of the spreadable fruit world.

Do all of your ideas involve toast?

Like 70%.

I've got one you can have if you want.

It doesn't have a name yet, but, basically, it's a doorknob with a phrase on it.

So every time you enter a room, you turn a phrase.

So you always come and go thoughtfully.

That's pretty clever.

Yeah, I actually kinda like that.

Thank you.

I don't know...

It's kind of a thinker. It's not really my brand.

But I've got plenty more ideas.

So just sit back, relax. We could be here all day.


So, what do the two of you really think about the two of them?

Oh, I think as long as they're happy, that's all that matters.

Do you really think that he can keep our Nate happy?

I've been wondering the same thing.

Of course he can. He's a good man.

He is smart, he's loyal, he's a good listener, he loves people.

He sounds like a golden retriever.

Mom, if you just give him a sh*t, I'm sure you'll see what... what Nate sees.

Jimmy's got a really big heart, and a lot of untapped potential.

Ooh, I'm pretty sure that's been tapped.

I don't know, I still feel there's something off with the two of them.

(both) No.

Jimmy, please, no more.

Just one more.

The spork.

That already exists.

For eating. Mine's the new sexual position.

"It's like spooning with a little "How you doing""

Well that sounds more like a "get down to business" idea.

Now how are you planning on marketing that?

Don't ask me that. I'm the idea man.

These ideas aren't gonna change anything.

That's what they said about penicillin.

I don't think it is.

[singsong] Hope you're thirsty.

Oh, good, you guys are back.

I would like to make a toast.

To love, in all its forms, traditional and not-so-traditional.

Made even more traditional by gay marriage.

Which I hope you will consider before you consummate.

(both) Hear, hear.

(all) Cheers.

I think a kiss is in order.


You two okay?


We're fine.

Of course.

(Gammy) Oh, don't be shy on my account.

If you're really happy with each other, you should kiss and not be ashamed.

Go ahead. Give each other some sugar.

Sugar, yeah. [Clears throat] Of course.



Um, hey.


[Jimmy clearing throat]



(both) Mm.


I forgot to get the ice bucket for the ice.

I'll get it, sweetie.

No, it's okay!

I was gonna ask Jimmy if he could help me with his big, strong arms.

Yes, please, uh... Sorry, babe, I'll be right back.



Jimmy, I am so sorry.

I never meant for it to go this far.

I know, all right. It's okay.

It is?


I'd do anything for the woman I love.

Even her son.


Wait a minute, did... Did you just say you love me?

Yeah. I guess I did.

Is that okay?

Well, yeah... I mean, I think it is.

I mean, I might be biased, because I kinda love you too.



What in tarnation is going on here?

[rock music plays]

I can't believe the two of you would go behind Nate's back like this.

I mean, he's your best friend and your boyfriend, and...

And your son.


Don't you dare.

I always knew he wasn't good enough for my Nate, and apparently neither are you!


Nate, there's something I have to tell you.

["Hallelujah" ringtone playing]

Mom, stop.

No. No more lying.

Nate, Jimmy is...

My boyfriend.

Ugh, I was really looking forward to hearing Gammy's thoughts on a spork.

I'm sorry... what did you say?

Jimmy is my boyfriend.

He's not gay.

My experience with penises is purely firsthand, looking down.

For a million bucks, I couldn't tell you what the bottom of one looks like.

(Lydia) Okay, maybe let me handle this.

Mom, Harrison and I are not back together, but I knew how badly you wanted us to be, and I also knew how disapproving you'd be of me and Jimmy, so I lied.

You should be ashamed of yourself No, I shouldn't.

The only thing that I should be ashamed about is how I treated these guys.

I've been so busy trying to make you happy, I wasn't even thinking about the people that make me happy.

And also Harrison.

I'm still getting the Tesla.

Nice, mate. What color you getting?

Lydia, if you were so proud of this relationship... [cell phone buzzing] .. why didn't you tell me the truth?

Uh, Gammy?

Oh, not now, Sam.

Lying to your mother is never an option.


If you can't be proud of your relationship, how can you expect me to be?

Hey, Gammy?

Sam, please.

I'm sorry, you just have a phone call.

It kept vibrating, so I picked it up, and he says he's your fiancé.

What is it, Jeremiah?

I am in the middle of a big speech, and now I'm sounding like a hypocrite.

Yes, I-I love you too. I'll call you later.

Well, I guess the cat is out of the bag.

I am engaged to a man.

Mom, how could you not tell me?

How could you not tet me about your relationship with Jimmy?

Because you're very judgmental.

And I, on the other hand, am supportive and open-minded, and... and I welcome honesty.

Okay, well, just because I-I'm not the most honest doesn't mean I don't welcome it from others.

Anyway, my point is, it's your fault I'm like this.

I-I guess I always did care more about how things appeared than how they really were. Yeah, but...

I'm Southern. That's the way we are.

That's why I didn't tell you about Jeremiah.

After your daddy d*ed, I swore to you that he was it for me.

And I didn't want you to look down on me for going back on my word.

Mom, I would never look down on you.

I don't even remember you said that.

[sigh] Well, then I have been going through a heck of an internal struggle for nothing.

Make you a deal?

If you give my relationship a sh*t, then I'll give yours one too.



I think you all are gonna like Jeremiah.

He has a wicked sense of humor, and he looks a lot like Morgan Freeman.

And he really has loosened me up...

Not like that, but...


Also like that.


Thank you.

That was really sweet.


Is there gonna be any food?

I was hoping you would be my maid of honor.

Oh, my gosh, of course.

As long as Jimmy can be my date.

Of course, but no flip-flops.

And we will find somebody real nice for you to bring too.


In fact...

My dentist has a son that is exactly your type.

Gammy, [chuckles] I'm not gay.

Of course not, darling.

And you didn't k*ll Barky Mark either.

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