01x08 - Hard Out Here for a Pimp

[bunniefuu]

Let's go get some drinks and go dancing.

Yes.

Have to twist my arm, baby.

Oh, I am too amped to sleep right now.

I just want to go back to the crib and crash.

Get some beauty sleep for tomorrow.

Oh, my God, you never want to go dancing.

I know. I will. I just...

My ears are ringing from the amps, and I want to get something to eat, get my feet up, watch Game of Thrones.

Special episode tonight, supposedly.

If I was on that show and I was the dragon, I would eat the evil midget on day one as an appetizer.

Wait a minute, wait a minute. There's an evil midget and a dragon?

I got to watch this show. Are there naked chicks?

Oh, tons, bro.

Why do you think he watches it?

It's a historical drama.

It's medieval tits and ass.

Middle Earth p*rn.

Middle Earth p*rn? Okay, I haven't done that.

But I'm not gonna see naked midgets or anything, am I?

'Cause I... that's kind of a deal breaker.

Guys, guys, guys, do you mind?

What's up?

Bam and I have something we want to talk to you about.

What?

We want...

Dude, you got to go first. You said you'd go first.

Okay, okay, okay.

Is one of you dying?

We want an equal split.

Of what?

The profits.

[laughs] Yeah, right.

You guys are getting all the publishing between the two of you, right?

Gigi's getting paid extra for singing and everything.

The... the two of us are basically left over as hired employees.

You two are paid employees.

We are the engine that drives this band, my friend.

Oh, really?

Yeah, we're the balls.

Yeah.

We're the b*at.

It's true, and we also...

We read this article on U2, okay...

At the very beginning of the band, they agreed, like brothers, that they would split everything...

Every g*dd*mn cent four ways.

That's 25% Bono, 25% The Edge, 25 bass, 25 drums.

Bam: What?

You guys don't know the names of the bass player and the drummer in U2, do you?

[laughter]

That's not... we know the names.

Name 'em then.

Dude, like... I...

You want the names? Is that what you need?

Yep.

I'll give you the names.

It's U2.

Okay, here it is...

Boom!

Adam, bang!

And Clayton. Whoo!

No!

Same guy. Totally.

Donal.

No Donal.

No.

Liam?

Let me explain something to you, okay?

You're proving the theory that nobody, including you, gives a sh*t who "the engine" is in U2, okay?

Or any other band, for that matter.

It's not about... listen, it doesn't matter who's who, okay?

It matters who gets paid what, Johnny.

We're not doing...

Seamus!

We're not splitting 25% of anything, okay?

We're staying the way we are.

His name is Sean.

There's no Sean.

[hard rock music]

♪ Sex and dr*gs and rock and roll ♪
♪ All right ♪
♪ All right ♪
♪ 'Cause I don't want to die ♪
♪ Anonymous ♪
♪ No, no ♪
♪ No, no ♪
♪ No, no ♪

[humming] Oh! Oh, God, that was a blast.

Yes.

It was so much fun.

I hate that Flash doesn't come out with us.

He never comes dancing. He's so boring sometimes.

He's incredibly boring, honey.

He's incredibly handsome.

Yeah, you know why he's so boring?

'Cause he's too old for you. That's what the problem is.

No, no, no, because Ron Wood is 67 and his new wife is 36, and that's the same age gap.

Okay, honey, can I just tell you something?

If you were going out with Ron Wood, I would be, like, the happiest dad in the world.

We'd have unbelievable, you know, Stones swag.

We'd have tickets to the gigs. We'd have backstage passes.

I could meet Mick Jagger.

Which is why she's never gonna date Ron Wood, okay?

I think that Flash is cuter than Mick Jagger.

Can I ask you something?

Yeah.

Have you... have you slept with Flash yet?

Johnny, come on!

I'm just asking.

Uh, no.

Okay.

'Cause you know I think it's a huge mistake for the band.

I know. You've told me that before.

Okay, good.

I... [laughs]

I did, um...

What?

I did blow him.

[laughs]

I don't want to know that, okay?

I blew him twice.

I don't want to know that.

Oh, but you ask her if she's slept with him?

That's different.

What the hell?

How?

Because I'm your father.

I think I have the right to know if you're sleeping with somebody, and that's a normal thing for a father to ask.

Okay, honey, let me clue you in on this, okay?

She's on the verge.

No, she's not.

Yes, she is.

She's just... you know...

I'm just going down on him?

Please don't say that, okay?

Which is different... It doesn't really count.

Oh, and how is that different?

It doesn't count.

What do you mean it doesn't count?

How does it not count?

Since when did it count?

Like, since the beginning of time.

From a woman's point of view, basically since Eve has been blowing Adam.

Oh, really? Okay. I think you forget, honey...

I went 12 years at Catholic school.

I don't remember anything about blow jobs in the Bible, okay?

Okay, well, do you remember they were together for, like, 900 years?

Yes, I do.

Yeah, that's a lot of blow jobs.

Okay, will you please stop saying that, okay?

I'm sorry. Listen, you brought it up.

Uh-huh.

Okay, I...

I go down on a guy...

I don't want...

I said... I changed the words!

I go down on a guy I like to decide whether or not I want to sleep with him.

Like, I'll do it, like, two or three times to keep him interested, and, you know...

It's my system.

Okay... you have a system?

Yeah, of course I do. Every girl does.

Really? 'Cause Ava didn't have a system.

That must be a generational thing.

Uh, do you remember when we first met?

Yes, I do.

Okay, how many blow jobs did I give you before you were begging me to be your girlfriend?

Just that one, that first night.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, you must be really good.

Oh, Hall of Fame, kid.

Hey, I can suck the stripes off a candy cane.

Okay, she doesn't need to know that.

I will teach you things that will make Flash go weak in the knees.

You have to tell me. You see, Dad, I could never talk to my real mom about stuff like this.

Johnny: You're not supposed to talk to your mom about stuff like that.

I do this thing where I tickle the taint.

You tickle the taint!

Don't tell her about the taint!

Telling her about the taint!

Taint!

Oh, my God. Who is that?

Holy sh*t, he's gorgeous.

Yes, he is. It's Jim.

The singer/songwriter from the two-man band Jim and Mike.

I just signed them.

They have more heat on them than The Heathens had back in your heyday.

Yeah, can he sing?

Who cares?

Look at him.

He's so suburban.

Well, Jim is a leader in the "norm-core" movement.

It's purposely dressing like you're on the way to the mall.

So Jim's kind of like a trendsetter, like I was back in the day?

Yeah, but hopefully he won't be wearing the exact same outfit two decades from now.

Honey, this is my look, okay?

No, no, this is Axl Rose's look from 1987.

[laughs]

I think he looks pretty douche-y.

Well, looking douche-y is the new not looking douche-y.

Why can't she go out with a guy like this, her own age, instead of Flash? I don't get it.

Well, because you're a moron.

What do you mean?

She's 21, right? You're her old man.

Yeah.

What did you do when you were her age and your mom wanted you to become Billy Joel?

I said, "f*ck Billy Joel."

Exactly. That's reverse psychology.

She's all over Flash because from the day she first showed up, the last guy you wanted her to sleep with was him.

This is basic parenting 101, John.

I mean, Steve the monkey could Google this sh*t.

I wanted my daughter to marry a Jewish guy.

You know what I told her?

"Don't marry a Jew?"

Now I have a son-in-law named "Noah."

♪ Ooh, my desire ♪
♪ Ooh, my desire ♪
♪ ♪

[cheers and applause]

Hey. She's hot, right?

Oh, yeah, man. She's dope.

Yeah, and she's single.

Dude. You...

Yeah, you're Jim, right?

Yeah, man.

How you doing, man?

Hey, Good. This is Mike.

What up?

How you doing?

You guys know who I am?

No, man.

But I dig your threads though, bro.

Oh, thanks.

So ironic.

No, I'm not trying to be ironic.

We're "norm-core," which I invented.

Right, okay.

We wear mall clothes. No irony, bro.

Or actual ironing.

It's all polyester/cotton mixes.

Cool.

man: What's up, Johnny?

Hey, man. How you doing? So...

woman: Hey, Johnny.

Hey. How you doing?

Do you work here?

Do I work here? Seriously, you're asking if I work here?

You guys don't know who I am.

I'm a downtown New York City rock legend, okay?

I used to be the lead singer in The Heathens.

Holy sh*t, bro. Are you Johnny Thunders, man?

I'm not Johnny Thunders.

Johnny Thunders d*ed in 1991.

That's what the government wants us to think.

He d*ed. He was a junkie. I knew the guy.

Listen, I'm gonna give you another clue.

My last name begins with R. Johnny...

Johnny Rotten! sh*t, man.

Johnny Ramone!

No, I'm Johnny Rock, okay?

I'm her father. Jesus Christ... Johnny Ramone?

All right?

Okay.

Listen, um...

Do you want to date her?

Do I... do I... what do you mean?

Take my daughter out... date my daughter...

Do you want to date her?

Take her to the movies, get her dinner or something.

And you don't have to have sex with her if you don't want.

I'll have sex with your daughter.

No, I don't want you to do it. I want him to do it.

What's wrong with me?

You're not handsome enough.

But you... you're a gorgeous kid.

Well, how would you describe me then?

Stout. You're stout, assh*le.

I don't have any money for this, or whatever.

I'm not stout.

Money for what? Why would you need money?

Sex, man.

What? No, no, no, no, no.

Maybe a little husky, wide in the shoulders.

It's hard to find clothes that fit.

Could you shut the f*ck up so I could talk to him?

Listen, she's gonna come out here, you go over, you talk to her, okay, maybe you ask her out.

But whatever you do, just act like you didn't talk to me, okay, 'cause her whole thing is, if she thinks I hate you, then she'll totally want to f*ck your brains out, okay?

Okay, then, your daughter.

My daughter, yeah, yeah, okay?

All right.

Can you handle that?

Yeah, man.

Okay, guys. Good luck.

All right. Right on.

No red flags there.

Yeah.

I mean, I bet she's worth it.

[cheers and applause]

♪ ♪
♪ Gonna burn you down ♪
♪ ♪
♪ To the ground ♪
♪ ♪

[guitar drifting, bass slapping]

♪ ♪

[scatting]

♪ ♪

I hate this sh*t. I'm getting out of here.

All right.

Call me later.

Bye.

See ya, guys.

♪ ♪

[scatting]

♪ ♪

Think these guys suck.

No, I think they're kick-ass.

Really? The lead singer guy's a real pretentious douche.

Whatever.

Yeah.

♪ Give me some fire and gasoline ♪

[loud rock music]

♪ ♪
♪ Our eager eyes meet across the room ♪
♪ Get a room is all I want to do ♪
♪ Get a room is all I want to do ♪
♪ Get a room all I want to do is ♪
♪ With you ♪

Yes.

What's up?

It's just like those two douche bags last night.

Yeah.

And like XNY. And like The Kills.

Right.

And like White Stripes.

You and me...

Uh-huh.

Form a two-person band.

[laughs]

I like it.

That's cool, man.

Right?

That's what music is.

Bass and drums.

That's all there is.

That's artistic freedom, bro.

We get to throw off the creative shackles they put on us.

Plus, it's two less guys to pay.

No, no, no, no.

Bro, it can't be about the money.

No.

It has to be organic.

It's about us expressing ourselves.

That's totally why we're doing this.

Right.

It is.

Plus, it's cheaper.

Plus, it's a big "F you" to Johnny and Flash.

Those sons of b*tches have it coming, and you know it.

For 30 years, they've been treating us like this.

Money and revenge are the wrong reasons to do this.

All right, how about this?

Uh-huh.

I barely eat.

All the food backstage is for you.

[sighs]

This is gonna be so cool, brother.

Who is it?

It's Jim.

Come on up.

Hey, Gig?

Yeah?

Jim's here.

Okay, I'm just getting dressed.

Okay.

This is so awesome.

This kid's totally hooked.

Hey, take it easy, Captain Backwards.

Honey, listen, she digs him, he digs her.

Everybody's digging each other, okay?

Okay, you don't even know how long this is gonna last or what's gonna happen, so don't say anything to Flash, because he will lose his sh*t.

Why would I tell... Do I look like an idiot to you?

I'm not gonna say anything to him, okay?

Stop worrying.

Hey, what's up?

Hey, come on in.

Hey, listen, remember, I hate you, you hate me.

Oh, right.

So listen, man, don't get any ideas about dating my daughter long-term, okay, assh*le, with your stupid "mumble-core" bullshit, okay?

Yeah, yeah, it's called "norm-core."

Yeah, yeah.

Uh, fossil face, huh?

Yeah, well...

Hey, you know what?

I'm digging that whole Duran Duran haircut you got going on.

Duran Duran didn't...

Oh, what is this?

Nice turquoise necklace there.

They sell those at the Peter Frampton festival, right?

I got to get me one of those.

Leave him alone, Dad.

I'm not doing anything.

I just want to point out, this is not turquoise.

It's aquamarine, okay?

And Robert Plant wears this stuff and he's in the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame.

Gigi: Whatever.

So you know how all these experimental noise pop bands add in white noise and avant-garde sounds underneath regular songs...

Mm-hmm, yeah.

With regular lyrics.

I'm terrible at lyrics.

You know that.

That's okay. So am I.

Okay.

You got to listen to this.

I have an amazing, mind-blowing idea.

I mean, this is a big concept. Are you ready?

Yeah.

Okay.

Noise pop songs...

Yeah.

With no words.

You want to hear my idea?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

My idea is that that idea sucks.

What?

People like to sing along with the words in the song.

That's why they love rock and roll.

People still get to sing along, jerk head.

It's just that they get to sing along to sounds.

Okay.

Grunts.

It's like John Lee Hooker meets...

Marlee Matlin.

[grunting rhythmically]

All right.

You hear it?

I get it. I like... I think that's dope.

I like that.

You know what the name of the band is?

What?

[clicking tongue]

The name of the band is three... Three clicking sounds?

Yeah, it's three dolphin clicking sounds.

It's a bottlenose dolphin thing.

Where'd you get that?

Shark Week.

How are you gonna put that on the marquee out front?

How... how you gonna put three dolphin clicking sounds?

That's actually a better name...

Three Dolphin Clicking Sounds would work.

I'm way ahead of you.

I'm media savvy, bro.

My God, there's hundreds and hundreds of this.

I know.

Viking metal... is that a thing?

It never became cool. The helmets were really expensive.

Well, why are you showing me this?

There's one kind of music that isn't on here because it hasn't been invented yet.

Until today.

Dude, we are "beast-core."

[laughs]

Why are you laughing?

What is "beast-core"?

It's all driving bass and drums, guttural sounds.

We throw in all sorts of sound effects...

Lions, whales, camels...

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Roars, you know, we put 'em in, like, foot pedals, we mix 'em in, maybe we get a keyboard.

Yes!

We start an entire genre here.

Holy sh*t!

It's more than a genre.

Dude...

It's a movement.

This is genius.

Right?

The... what's our first song?

Our first song is... [snorts]

That sinus thing... you got that?

I had that last week. Take a shower like this.

No, listen.

Like that.

Bam, that's the name of the song.

[snorts]

All right.

You hear what I'm doing?

It's the sounds.

Right, it's guttural.

Can I try?

Please.

All right, ready?

Yeah. You are the beast.

[trumpets]

[exhales]

I like... I like it.

It's a little hacky.

Johnny: Hey. What's up?

What are you doing?

Well, I haven't talked to Gigi since last night.

I texted her ten times today... nothing.

Bam told me you guys went dancing with that "stumble-core" kid last night.

It's called "norm-core."

Whatever. What's going on?

How would I know?

I saw you talking to the kid from the stage.

I know you don't want me dating Gigi.

I was talking to the kid because... I'll tell you why I talked to the kid... 'cause I saw the kid ogling Gigi and I said, "you know, I should go over and say something to that kid," and I said, "Hey, she's spoken for," by you.

Bullshit.

That... let's write a song. Come on.

Yeah, let's... let's write a song.

Let's write a song called "Johnny's a Giant sh*t-heel Liar."

No, let's work on a song called "Flash is Acting Like a Gigantic 12-year-old p*ssy."

How about that?

Hang on... I've got one I've been saving.

It's called "My Name is Johnny Rock and I look like Willem Dafoe if he was a g*dd*mn Total cr*ck Head."

That's funny. That's funny, 'cause I have a new one too, and it's called "Your Hair is Getting Thinner and Your Stomach's Getting Fatter." How about that?

It's catchy. Hang on, I'm writing one right now.

It's called "f*ck You."

I'm working on kind of a big one.

It's a big rocker and it's called "It's Not My Fault You're Old and Gray and Boring Because You Sit Around Watching Midget Middle Earth p*rn," okay?

Hey, man. That's our show. We watch that together.

Well, she's watching a new show now, pal, and it's called "Young, Dumb, and Full of Cum."

Okay?

This is the theme song.

♪ Young ♪
♪ Dumb ♪
♪ So full of really healthy semen ♪
♪ I'm gonna use it ♪
♪ ♪
♪ Young ♪

Where you going?

♪ Dumb ♪

Hey!

Where you going? I got a second verse.

[cell phone buzzing]

One second.

Hey.

Hey. What... What's up?

I've been calling, texting since last night.

Where you been?

I know, I know, but I can't talk right now.

What... why not?

Because I'm shopping.

Are you with that "more-core" guy?

It's called "norm-core," okay? "Norm-core." It's really cool.

Yeah, if you wanna be some kind of vag*na Jerry Seinfeld.

Hey, Gig, how awesome is this?

Is that him?

Yeah.

Listen, Flash, I can't talk right now. I have to go.

Well, when can you talk about it, Gig?

I don't know. I need some time, okay?

I'll call you tomorrow.

[sighs]

[upbeat rock music]

♪ I stick to you ♪
♪ Like glue ♪
♪ You're my weekend ♪
♪ I like what you ♪
♪ Did ♪
♪ ♪

Here you go.

Thanks, babe.

Mm-hmm.

[sighs]

Hey, Gig. Is Jim up?

No, he needs a few minutes.

[inhales sharply] Oh. Hey.

Hey.

Whew.

Mm-mmm.

[Johnny belches]

Oh, that's disgusting, Dad.

Use a glass, Tarzan.

Hmm.

[sighs]

Ahh.

Mmm.

So... you must be here for Jim.

Ira: Yep.

'Cause he stayed over last night.

I think you probably know that, right?

I know.

He was in Gigi's room all night...

Whew...

Just in case you were wondering.

Okay, okay. Thank you.

Ahh.

All right, uh, we need to talk about something, 'cause, yeah, I'm concerned about Jim.

He has some of your old traits, John... and not the good ones.

Every opportunity I get him, he purposely screws up, and he thinks it makes him cool 'cause it means he's not a sellout.

Oh, just like what you used to do, honey.

Key words, "used to."

Last week, you know, I asked him, you know, how he decided on a two-man band, you know, figuring it might be a "norm-core" thing or some other artistic bullshit...

No, he did it because he's a minimalist.

He did it because there used to be four guys in the band, and then he slept with the bass player's girlfriend and the keyboard player's fiancée.

Now who does that remind you of?

What can I say? I'm a minimalist.

So last night we all went to see Bam and Rehab's new side project.

Oh, how bad was it?

Well, it was this bad.

Check this out.

[loose drum b*at, animal sounds]

♪ ♪

[whale noises]

♪ ♪

[laughs]

You got to be sh1tting me.

♪ ♪

[laughs]

Did they get booed off stage?

They got a standing O for the second song, which had a lemur mating call in it.

So now "beast-core" is a thing.

g*dd*mn hipster douche bags.

Yeah, and Jim's pissed 'cause he says he did "beast-core" first and Bam and Rehab stole his animal essence, like Dooley stole his vibe.

Yeah.

Well, no, because Bam and Re had a song, you know, called Uh-uh-uh.

Oh, that sounds amazing.

Yeah, well, Jim had a song called Yeah, uh-huh, which is just a total rip-off.

And now Davante Hines is taking credit for "norm-core."

He's not gonna let them take animal sounds.

It's his thing.

All right, Ira, where are you going with this?

What I'm saying is that sometimes girls are attracted to men who remind them of their fathers.

Wha...

Okay. Not me.

Yes.

Not me! No, Jim is nothing like my dad.

Hey!

Hey.

Morning.

Hey.

Oh, yeah.

[gulping]

Mmm.

Oh, yeah.

[exhales]

[belches]

Oh, my God.

You're dating me.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Eww!

sh*t.

Ew. Oh, my God.

Whoa, what's everyone freaking out about, man?

Gigi is dating you because subconsciously, I guess, she wants to be with someone like her father.

Eww!

Okay, it's not that bad. You're overreacting, all right?

Oh, my God. Is that why you wanted me to have sex with her?

[scoffs]

What?

I don't know what he's talking about.

Ira, do you know what he's talking about?

This is what happens when you interfere.

I'm gonna go to my room and I'm gonna freak out.

Ira: Okay, this isn't a problem. It's solvable.

That's f*cked up, man.

Ava: Gig? Oh...

Won't come out of her room?

No.

Just crying all day?

Just crying all day.

Would you please... date my daughter?

Okay, but I'm only gonna do it 'cause I really dig her.

I know, I know.

It's not 'cause I enjoy watching you squirm.

Unlike you, I'm bigger than that.

I know, man, and I wish I could be more like you.

♪ Hey, hey, I got to say ♪
♪ I'm gonna make love to Johnny's daughter someday ♪
♪ There's a little baby midget with a tiny little taint ♪
♪ Can Johnny Rock get a young girl? Hell, no, he can't ♪

Come on, man.

[door thuds closed]

Jim: ♪ Give me some fire and gasoline ♪
♪ ♪
♪ You're gonna find out what I mean ♪
♪ ♪
♪ Give me some fire and gasoline ♪
♪ ♪