02x06 - William Tell; Grant a Wish; Rowboat

[bunniefuu]

Life... it's literally all we have.

But is it any good?

I'm a reviewer, but I don't review food, books, or movies.

I review life itself.

[screams]

[triumphant music]

[parrot squawks]

♪ ♪

Over here.

♪ ♪

Hello, and welcome to the show.

I'm your dedicated life reviewer, Forrest MacNeil, and this is my life experience curator, A.J. Gibbs.

Hello, Forrest. I cannot wait to find out what our audience wants you to do next.

Well, me neither. Please, let's have at it.

Eli from Rolla, Missouri...

A William Tell?

I-I don't really know what that...

I don't know.

Well, let's find out.

What does it mean and what is it like to do a William Tell?

Forrest: What it was, was horrible.

Oh, my God.

Have you ever heard this William Tell story?

Apple on the head thing?

Yeah. This guy in the 14th century was forced to sh**t an apple off of his son's head with an arrow.

Yeah, and he did it, too.

Forrest: I was faced with a major problem.

To review sh**ting an apple off my son's head with an arrow, I would have to sh**t an apple off my son's head with an arrow.

Oh, hey, buddy. Hey, how's it going?

Forrest voice-over: As it happened, Eric was scheduled to fly here with his grandmother for the weekend.

Hey, is there anything in particular you're looking forward to doing while you're down here?

No, I don't have anything planned, really.

Well, I-I do.

I have one, sort of, activity.

Forrest voice-over: That gave me three days to become a master archer.

[bleep].

Forrest voice-over: It seemed unlikely, but then, what choice did I have?

I need to be really good at this, you guys.

Josh: All right, whoo!

Tina: [bleep] that apple.

[bleep] that apple.

[bleep] that apple.

Josh: [bleep] that apple.

[grunts]

Oh, Jesus.

Oh, [bleep]!

Forrest voice-over: On my first day of practice, I did not come anywhere near my son's precious face, and that was all right with me.

My second day went slightly better than the first.

I think I've been holding this upside down the whole time.

Look at this.

Josh: Come on, Mr. MacNeil.

Oh! Mr. MacNeil, that's great!

Tina: That's, like, five points.

Josh: You got him.

It would have been his foot.

Or that would have been his foot.

All right, let's do this.

Forrest voice-over: On the day of Eric's arrival, I had time for one last practice, and I would leave nothing to chance.

Josh: I like the intensity, Mr. MacNeil.

Yep, it's all about intensity now.

Forrest voice-over: I obviously had no innate ability to zip a stick off a string, so I invested in the most advanced stick-zipping equipment available.

Forrest: All right, Eric, we can do this.

No more [bleep] around.

Oh.

Oh, my God.

Tina: Oh, my God.

Interesting.

[adventurous music]

Tina: Oh.

Holy [bleep].

♪ ♪

You're like a [bleep] elf. This is insane.

Josh: Whoo!

Tina: More!

No!

[grunts]

Tina: Use your pain.

Josh: Ho ho ho ho! You're my hero!

No! I would have k*lled him five times!

Okay, well, how many sons do you have?

One!

Then, yeah, that's a problem.

Forrest voice-over: Tina was onto something.

Since I clearly could not put my boy at the mercy of my bow and arrow skills, perhaps I needed another son.

woman: So what kind of child do you think would be a perfect match for you?

Um... Well, it needs to be a boy.

Mm-hmm.

And... it'd be great if he had a flat head... and a thick skull.

Thick skull?

No.

No.

You okay?

This... this is a terrible idea.

I'm a [bleep] monster. [cries]

Forrest voice-over: And that's when I had a revelation.

Dad, have you ever sh*t a bow and arrow?

A bow and arrow? Yes, at summer camp.

As a matter of fact, I won a trophy.

Of course, it melted in the fire.

You gotta be kidding me.

No, it was plastic.

This was meant to be then.

Come on over here.

Forrest voice-over: I realized that the question I'd been asked was, what is it like to do a William Tell?

Not, what is it like to be William Tell?

I could still experience a father/son apple sh*t, not as the father...

Okay, here.

But as the son.

What I need you to do is just sh**t this apple off my head, okay?

Are you out of your mind? I can't do that.

Aim it. Just see if you can aim it.

Forrest.

What are you doing?

We have to talk about this because William Tell did this 700 years ago, right?

We're still talking about it because it's impossible.

Look, William Tell didn't have a bow like this.

Drunken hillbillies are taking down deer at 100 yards every weekend with these things.

You're not drunk, right?

No. Are you?

You can do this.

You won a trophy in this.

Actually, we all took home a trophy.

We got... the trophy was for participating.

Everybody took home an archery trophy?

Yes.

Okay, but still, you did it.

I believe in you.

I just need you to believe in you as much as I believe in you.

Because if you... if you don't, um...

I'm gonna try and sh**t an apple off of Eric's head.

That's... Okay, just stand there, please.

Dad, you can do it.

Just focus on the apple.

[groans]

Forrest voice-over: The oppressed people of 14th-century Switzerland needed someone to show them that passion achieves the impossible.

William Tell did that.

And today, my father would do it, too.

Or so I dearly hoped.

Okay, I'm gonna do it.

Do it.

I'm gonna do it.

Do it!

I am gonna do it.

[William Tell Overture by Gioachino Rossini playing]

[screams]

Roger: Oh, no, no! God!

Ow!

Oh, my God!

Josh: Mr. MacNeil, he sh*t you!

Forrest: I know!

Oh, I'm so sorry!

No, you have nothing to apologize for, Dad.

Please do it again, okay?

What?

Don't let this be for nothing!

Please, Dad.

Try it again. What do you got to lose at this point?

This is terrible.

Would somebody put the apple back on my head, please?

Oh, my God, oh, my God, oh, my God.

Okay, thank you, yes.

God that hurts! Here we go.

You can do it, Dad.

[groans]

[whimpers]

[both groan]

Please, Dad! [screams]

Roger: Oh, God, no! What have I done?!

[screams]

Do you want me to call an ambulance?

Yes! Yes.

Okay, you just tell me when.

Now! Call an ambulance now!

Josh: Mr. MacNeil, maybe if you just duck down and you... you put your head where your shoulder's been, he'd get it, 'cause he keeps hitting you in the same spot.

No, no! No, no, no, I'm done!

Dad. Dad, no, he's exactly right.

You keep doing what you're doing, and I will put the apple where the arrows are going.

One more. Only one and one only.

Okay, but please hurry, 'cause I don't think I can hold this position very long.

I'm going faint from loss of blood.

You don't have to do this.

I do have to do it. Thank you, though.

Forrest.

Yeah.

I love you, son.

I know. Okay, but please hurry.

You're not a perfect man...

Dad, please hurry. but you've made a lot of mistakes in your life...

Dad, I cannot hold this position very long!

Okay, I love you.

I'm going faint from the blood loss!

I want you to be proud of me.

I've always been proud of you, kid.

So I'm gonna...

Let's go!

Aah!

Aah!

[bleep]!

Tina: [bleep]! Holy [bleep]!

Someone call an ambulance!

Call an ambulance!

[bleep]!

I've been sh*t!

Call the ambulance!

Forrest: This is terrible!

Forrest voice-over: And that's when I had another revelation.

When William Tell's son placed that apple on his head, he didn't know whether the arrow would pierce the fruit or his cherubic renaissance-era body.

Either thing could have happened.

What do I do?! How do I fix it?! I'll cuddle you!

Forrest voice-over: So to experience a William Tell, one only needs to be involved in a father sh**ting an arrow at his son.

Where it lands is mostly irrelevant.

Doing a William Tell forces a man to put the person he feels most compelled to protect in mortal danger.

So if you're considering attempting this feat, my advice to you is don't.

Doing a William Tell, two stars.

Oh, and I should add that my executive assistant, Lucille, is going to be just fine, but I can't really say any more than that due to pending litigation.

Let's hope a settlement is reached soon.

Hopefully, this next review won't hurt a bit.

Oh, I hope you're right. Yes.

@StalkHore7 Tweets...

Oh, that is a delightful request.

I'm off to make a wish come true.

Forrest voice-over: It was just MacNeil family luck that my son, Eric, had a birthday coming up and was sure to make a wish blowing out his candles.

The party was being thrown by my ex-wife at the house in San Francisco where she fled after our marriage failed.

And I came prepared to make a splash wearing a jacket that I'd had specially designed for parties.

Hey, the fun bus is here! Choo choo!

Forrest voice-over: The prospect of making my son's day put me in a happy mood, so much so that I even began to feel that today might open the door to a new future with Suzanne.

Hey, Forrest.

Hello. How are you?

I'm good.

Yeah.

What happened to your arm?

Oh, I got sh*t with a couple of arrows.

Yeah.

Sure.

Nice to see you again.

You, too, but there's actually somebody I'd love for you to meet.

Okay.

Hey, Eric, honey, where's your best bud?

I think he's in the back signing autographs.

Oh, okay. I'll go get him.

Signing autographs? Oh. How are you?

Forrest voice-over: And then, Eric's birthday party turned into a surprise party, a terrible, terrible surprise.

My recent review of catfishing had allowed me to reconnect with Suzanne using a false name and a borrowed face.

My favorite writer is Agatha Christie.

Forrest voice-over: And through this deception, she and I fell in love again.

The face belonged to Joe Dale Jr., a handsome and dim-witted professional baseball man.

Did you bring a cashier's check?

Forrest voice-over: To prevent Suzanne from finding out the truth, I paid him to end things via Skype.

Now, this pretty-faced moron was dating Suzanne.

Hey, Forrest, Joe.

Okay.

It's nice to meet you for the very first time.

Yeah.

No.

Suzanne: No, you know what it is?

What?

Joe is a professional baseball player, so if he's familiar to you that might be why.

Is that why?

Yeah.

'Cause you do look familiar to me.

I mean, I didn't know that when I met him.

Uh-huh.

Yeah, we met online.

I was using an alias, because, you know.

Yeah.

Dad.

Interesting.

Joe is the first person to hit a walk-off home run in both games of a doubleheader.

That's great. I don't even know what a doubleheader is to be honest with you.

To me, it sounds like a two-faced monster.

Suzanne: He's not much of a sports guy.

Like a monster that presents itself to people one way and then the other way...

I'm so sorry.

It's cake o'clock. I gotta hit it. other people are saying a different thing.

Maybe he doesn't even seem like a monster on this side, but on this side, you know he's a monster.

Okay.

Right?

Shh. I know. I know, man. I...

This is real weird.

Yes, it's weirder than weird.

It just happened. We were up here playing the Giants.

I was craving a MILF, and I looked her up because I thought it was a pretty easy way to get laid.

What is a MILF?

MILF, it's like an old lady I'd like to [clicks tongue] [bleep].

Oh, my God.

Now, Eric's grandmother usually makes vanilla, but Joe, this time, said it has to be chocolate.

Forrest voice-over: Joe was a terrible person.

What a stark contrast with me, a man who had come here to do something wonderful.

I'd like to have a word with the birthday boy.

Can you young men go away, please?

[whistles] Thanks.

What did you just wish for when you blew out the candles?

Nah, I don't think you're gonna like it.

Whatever you wished for, whatever it was, I am going to make that wish come true.

Forrest voice-over: Eric was understandably hesitant to share a secret wish, but to make it come true, I'd have to know what it was.

What I wished for...

Yeah? was for mom and me to move back to L.A...

Well...

And to move in with Joe Dale Jr.

Can you really make that wish come true?

Forrest voice-over: Could I?

I did not know, but this review meant I would have to try.

That's what you want?

You don't want a go-kart or anything like that?

Joe says he has five go-karts at his house.

Oh, Joe's got five go-karts.

Oh, my God.

Forrest voice-over: This was a devastating, punishing, miserable request.

I came here prepared to build a go-kart, which would have been hard enough.

Instead, I would have to try and convince the former love of my life to move in with a jerk.

[sighs]

Wow, I was just thinking about Joe in there.

He's fantastic.

What a... what a great guy.

Yeah, he is great. I-I really like him.

Yeah. You do, huh?

Yeah.

So do I.

I didn't know if it was gonna be hard for you and I was even gonna tell you beforehand, but you were out getting sh*t or whatever.

Did you know this?

What?

Okay, so whatever, he's sweet, he's funny, he's handsome.

He's handsome, of course, but he loves Agatha Christie.

How cool is that?

Unbelievably cool.

Yeah.

Forrest voice-over: Incredibly enough, my wise and thoughtful ex-wife was genuinely smitten with a man who is capable of craving a MILF.

But she was still too sensible to pick up and move without an invitation.

For that, I would need to convince my betrayer.

You guys are basically like my favorite couple I've ever seen.

I like her, man.

Ever since I started dating her, whenever I get a little something on the side, I feel pretty bad about it.

Did you say that you have already cheated on Suzanne?

Yeah, but I'm gonna try not to.

Yeah, yeah. No, that would be great.

Forrest voice-over: Joe did not strike me as a family man, but I could not give up.

You should ask her to move in with you.

Mm, I gotta tell you.

I like to throw freaky parties, you know?

Like, good-looking women at the house in the pool.

Yeah, I'm glad you're saying that, because that's how these guys are as well.

They love to throw down with good-look... good-looking women in the pool.

It'll just be the same old Joe Dale Jr., just with a loving partner to come home to and a little guy hanging around who just thinks the world of you.

Whoo!

I can tell you, I had that, you know.

You could really literally just walk down there and go get it.

Cheers, man.

Who's ready to play?

Forrest voice-over: I had tried my best to make a wish come true, but I doubted that a shallow man like Joe Dale Jr. would make this sort of commitment to a woman no matter how great she is.

[dramatic music]

But a week later, I got the call that Suzanne and Eric were moving in with him in Los Angeles.

I got it. I got it.

Are you sure?

I got it. I got it. Oh!

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

I got it.

You got it?

Yeah, I got it.

Forrest voice-over: I had fulfilled my son's wish, and aside from the truly awful feelings associated with delivering my family into the hands of a habitually unfaithful fraud, I can report that it was satisfying to see the wish recipient so happy.

Dad. What are you doing here?

Suzanne invited me to stay in one of Joe Dale Jr.'s guesthouses.

Sleeping on the floor in your office is just doing a number on my back.

Yeah, Dad, I don't think that's a good idea.

He's got a pool, son.

Enjoy it. Beautiful house.

Yeah.

Forrest voice-over: The idea that making someone else's wish come true would involve any sacrifice on my part had, honestly, not occurred to me at all.

At many points in this review I felt nostalgic for the day when all I had to worry about was being sh*t in the heart with an arrow.

The power of wish is a heavy burden that no man should have to bear.

Making someone's wish come true, half a star.

[triumphant music]

The next review comes from Elliot in Homa Hills, Wyoming.

Homa Hills.

Hey, Forrest, what's it like to be alone in a rowboat?

Hey, man...

Forrest: Oh, my God.

A.J. I know our review selection process is totally random, but this one feels like the hand of God I need it so bad!

Ahh.

Some alone time in a rowboat, yes, okay, let's do that.

This experience will be documented by a mounted onboard camera.

Total solitude.

The terrible arrow injuries I received to my left shoulder are making it more difficult to row, but I'm not about to let that ruin this relaxing sojourn across a peaceful bay.

I took a few extra painkillers and I gotta try to limit my range of motion.

[chuckles]

[seagull caws]

Let's follow that bird.

I don't know if it's the cool breeze or the sound of lapping water or the double dose of OxyContin or the crisp salt air, but I feel at peace in a way that I haven't felt in a long, long time.

Think I'm just gonna lie back and enjoy it.

Forrest voice-over: But perhaps I had allowed myself to feel too peaceful.

[snores]

[dramatic music]

♪ ♪

I've been asleep for six hours.

I think I must have drifted out of the bay and into the open ocean.

All right, well, I guess I just gotta row back to shore as fast as...

Oh, no, no, no.

Oh, where are the oars?!

Where are the oars?!

Oars!

Hello, here's my situation.

I have brought along no food and no water and no method for signaling anyone, and my cell phone here doesn't get any service.

I am considering using one of my shoelaces here as a fishing line and pieces of my wallet as bait.

And I only pray that I am rescued before that begins to seem like a viable survival plan.

Jesus Christ.

Fish don't eat wallets.

Forrest voice-over: My review of making a wish come true had left me metaphorically lost at sea.

Being literally lost at sea was even worse.

There is a flashing red light on the camera now, which I assume means that the battery is running low.

I would like to say something to the love of my life, my... my ex-wife, Suzanne.

Suzanne, I...

I'm pretty sure I'm gonna die out here.

[static crackles]

[laughs]

Hello.

I do not know how many days I have been at sea.

Forrest voice-over: I had been at sea for 96 days.

It is difficult to look at this footage now, but the mere fact of my survival is a beautiful, glorious miracle.

I've been swept into some kind of a floating trash vortex in the middle of the ocean.

I have been k*lling and eating the sea birds that perch on top of the garbage.

I've been strangling them and snapping their necks with my hands.

And it's not a bad diet.

One of the things that I have been blessed to find here in this garbage island is a battery that works in this camera so that I can continue to talk to you because I have had important experiences to share with you about rowboats.

They are...

[static crackles]

Wow.

You were lost at sea for a long time.

Yep. [laughs]

I want to thank anybody who has ever contributed to the great Mid-Pacific trash flotilla.

If you don't properly dispose of your garbage, you saved my life.

I would also like to thank the gruesome practice of illegal whale hunting.

For it was a group of renegade Japanese whalers who ultimately found me and brought me to safety.

Arigatou gozaimasu.

Spending time alone on a rowboat is a horrifying, desperate struggle for survival that cuts a man off from his life and his loved ones frequently causing him to pray for death.

Spending time on a rowboat, half a star.

The ocean is a force of nature that must be taken seriously at all times, and it's not something to be trifled with or toyed with or... or enjoyed for fun.

I am sorry that I disrespected the sea!