02x08 - Mother's Day

[bunniefuu]

Ella: When is the food going to come?

Lina: We just ordered.

I'm bored.

Me, too.

You never see your father.

Have a conversation with him.

Hello, Father.

Oh, hello, daughter.

Now what?

Russ: All right, I have an idea. Let's all do impressions of people in our family.

Ooh, yes!

Please let me be Mommy.

Okay, you be Mommy, and I will be Ella.

This is stupid.

This is stupid.

You're the worst, Mommy.

You never let me do anything.

Shut up, assh*le.

(gasps) Hey!

(laughing)

No offense, Mom, you do curse a lot.

Like, all the time.

Constantly.

Shut up, assh*le.

Hey, hey.

Look how in control I am.

Thank you.

I can keep liquor in my house just for my friends and I don't touch it and I don't want to touch it.

It's impressive.

Thank you.

Look at that.

Look at our kids playing together, huh?

Isn't it great?

It's nice.

Yeah.

God.

Ella is so big.

And mean.

Oh...

At least to me.

Oh, teenage girls and their mothers.

Mm-hmm.

Man, I cannot wait until Caitlin hates Roxanne.

(laughs)

Russ: Hey, look who's here.

Hey.

Hey.

Hey.

Hi.

Where's the wife?

She's, uh, picking up a couple of things for her trip.

What? Where's she going?

She's taking Harrison back east to see her mom.

Solo Mother's Day?

She said that I didn't have to go, so... so I'm a free man.

AJ: Well, I don't have any plans.

You want to... do something? Hang out?

I'm not that free.

You know, I love it when you play hard to get.

Yeah, I'm not playing.

Uh, I thought you usually spend Mother's Day with Roxanne's family.

New shrink.

Doesn't think it's healthy.

Oh. I like this new shrink.

What's that supposed to mean?

Well, I mean, you just spend a lot of time with your ex.

I get lonely.

There's a reason suicides spike around the holidays.

(laughs) Come on.

Mother's Day?

Mother's Day, Halloween...

Secretary's Day.

(laughs)

I'm not joking.

That's one of the hardest ones.

Well, you're welcome to join us.

(sighs)

I don't want to intrude.

Okay.

Okay, I'll come.

Great.

♪

Lina: I don't care if you want to go to the mall.

You're not going to the mall without a parent.

Ella: Harper's mom lets Harper go to the mall by herself.

Lina: I am not Harper's mother. I am your mother.

Because I can see your ass cheeks, and some guy is gonna take you in the bathroom and shave your head and throw you in a van, and you're never coming home!

(urinating)

Ella: Stop yelling at me!

Lina: Stop acting like a baby!

You're ruining Mother's Day!

Jesus.

Ella: You're ruining my life!

(footsteps)

(door opens, closes)

(toilet flushes)

(car engine starts, car drives away)

Where's Mommy?

She left.

What did you do?

Of course.

It's all my fault.

I didn't say that.

You kind of did.

Excuse me, how much are these?

You know what? Don't even tell me.

No prices today.

(phone ringing)

(groans)

Lina: Yes?

You're alive.

It's too late, Russ.

I'm already in Mexico.

Okay, look. Ella is really sorry.

Is she?

Well, she probably will be.

You know, at some point.

When she has kids of her own.

I knew it.

Come on. I want my wife back.

Well, that little sh*t won't go to Sweet Jam.

It's Mother's Day, and I'm not even allowed to pick where we eat? What the hell?

What is going on with you guys?

She hates me.

She doesn't hate you.

She just doesn't love you as much as she used to.

Anything else?

What time is the reservation?

Not until 2:00.

All right. I will get her there.

How?

I don't know, but I'll think of something.

All right, guys, we're here.

Uh, this isn't Harvey's.

No, it's a new place.

Better than Harvey's.

Oh, my God.

This is Mommy's place!

This is bullshit.

You tricked me.

Hey, watch it, okay?

I had to get you in the car.

We always go to Harvey's.

Yeah, well, Mommy wanted to go to a new place this year.

It's Mother's Day.

Hey, Bowmans, what's going on?

Where is the big lady?

Uh... she and Ella had a tough morning, so she'll be here soon.

Oh. (laughs)

Hopefully.

Okay, well, our table is ready.

I'm not going in.

(chuckles)

I love it when you guys get all dysfunctional around me.

It makes me feel like I'm a part of the family, you know?

Come on. Let's go in. Let's go sit down at our table.

AJ: All right, yeah. Let's fight inside, guys.

Come on.

Hey, man.

Hey.

Hi.

Oh, somebody's done some Mother's Day shopping.

Yeah.

I'm gonna go home and pretend my family bought this stuff for me.

Well, good for you.

What's your story?

Just airing out the kid.

I thought Jess was taking Harrison back east.

Yeah, well, she was going to, but then she remembered how difficult it is to travel with a toddler.

I don't miss that.

Yeah. Where's your clan?

We broke up.

Good call.

(laughs)

Well, you're welcome to hang out with us.

Woman: Excuse me.

Excuse me, your son is stealing my wishes.

What?

(splashing)

Oh, sweetie, n-n-no, don't take the money.

I'm so sorry.

Those are wishes.

How many wishes were there?

Just one.

It was a good one.

Yeah.

Just...

Lina: Is she actually inside the restaurant?

She's basically inside.

So she's not inside.

Can you just get over here?

Why? So she can make some big show about not going in?

No. Forget it.

I am tired of being the bad guy.

Today you can be the bad guy.

Everything okay?

Ella's refusing to go to my Mother's Day brunch.

The one that you're not at?

She was the cutest baby.

Well, listen...

They don't stay cute forever.

You know? Hey, it's just a matter of time before little Harrison is whacking off in every corner of the house.

Ella has been taking long baths lately.

Probably flicking it to One Direction.

Liam or Harry?

Nice.

Listen.

It's just hormones, you know?

Whatever she's going through, she will grow out of it.

Okay, but what about the other two?

They're so cute right now, but when I see what's around the corner...

Three girls.

sh*t.

See, boys are just not that complicated.

Thank you.

Mmm.

Thank you for admitting my life is worse.

Oh, sure.

How old is Harrison now? Three?

Four. Next month.

Are you doing a party?

I don't know.

I should.

He's a child.

They like that.

They do.

Our birthday packages are all-inclusive.

Food, cake, gift bags.

All you have to do is show up.

Terrific. And what's your June look like?

Uh, it should be pretty open.

Hey, buddy.

We...

Is this your son?

Yep.

Harrison's turning the big oh-four.

Harrison.

That's right.

Oh, sh**t.

Actually, I just realized...

You said June?

Right.

Yeah.

Boy, we are pretty booked up.

Ah.

(Russ sighs)

Relax. She'll come in eventually.

Are you sure?

Totally.

Besides, abductions in this neighborhood are way down.

Now, if we were in Boyle Heights, girls there, they just...

(makes poofing sound)

Hi.

That's so helpful.

You don't like the truth?

Happy Mother's Day, everyone.

Can I start anyone with a drink?

Uh, I think just water, please.

Yeah.

Waiter: Okay, I'll be back to take your order in a minute.

Great. Thanks.

And can I just say, you two have such a beautiful family.

Thank you. Thank you so much.

Russ: No.

(laughs) We're... we're not...

All here yet. Our eldest is having a bit of a moment.

She'll be here soon.

Waiter: Three girls. That's adorable.

(chuckles) We got our hands full, man.

(Russ groans)

Did you hear that?

He thinks I brought you here for Mother's Day.

Uh, so I am the mother?

You're very nurturing.

No, I am not the mom.

Face it: I am the top, you are the bottom.

What's a "bottom"?

When two people love each other, somebody has to be the top, and somebody has to be the bottom.

AJ.

Which one's better?

There's no better or worse.

AJ: Yeah.

You are what you are.

That's right.

There's no shame in being a bottom, right, AJ?

I wouldn't know. Eh.

If your dad and I were in a relationship, I would dominate him.

Try that one.

This one does come with pizza also, so...

That's weird, right?

Hmm?

I mean, one minute, they're hungry for the business, the next minute, they're booked?

Eh, what are you gonna do?

Something's up with her.

Let it go.

I can't.

So we have a couple different packages...

Hi.

Hi.

Could you give me just a second? Thank you.

I just wanted to double-check about the party.

Yes. Ugh, I forgot June was booked.

Sorry.

What about July?

Ooh, pretty busy.

August?

I can put you on a wait list.

I'm confused.

My friend is a good guy.

Like, a really good guy.

Look... I know his wife.

Okay.

She's been in here before with her friends.

I just don't feel comfortable hosting a party for her.

I don't understand.

She and a few other moms went in the bathroom here, and when they came out, they had the... the sniffles.

(sniffs)

Oh.

So you're gonna punish a child?

No, I don't want to punish anybody.

Except people who do cocaine in a children's play space.

Strict.

I would dominate the hell out of you.

Excuse me, is that your daughter out there?

You know, actually it's his daughter. (laughs)

That's what I always like to say whenever she gets temperamental like this.

Like mother, like daughter.

I think they're on the same cycle.

Well, my manager's saying she just can't stand alone outside like that, so if you could go talk to her, maybe... ?

Or we can make your order to go?

Oh, we'll take care of it.

Thank you.

How are we supposed to get her in here?

A top wouldn't ask that question.

(chair squeaks)

Excuse me.

Hey.

You know, if you come in now, we'll let you order off the adult menu.

I'm not hungry.

Not even for lobster, huh?

How about caviar?

Isn't that, like, fish eggs?

Yeah.

Look, I don't know what is going on, but, you know, you got to realize that you're keeping your family apart today.

I was really looking forward to this brunch.

I don't get to be with my kid on Mother's Day.

She gets to be with her mother because of this stupid sexist holiday.

Anyway, I was hoping being with you guys would make me feel better, but you're actually making me feel worse.

You're almost making me feel like maybe I should have a drink.

An alcoholic drink.

You know I'm an alcoholic, right?

Uh, yeah, it's, like, all you ever talk about.

We're raising a sociopath.

Yeah, we're raising a teenager.

I'm raising a teenager.

Jesus.

So what's the scoop?

It's being closed for six weeks for a reality show.

Really?

Yeah.

What show is that?

Um, I don't remember.

Uh, Later, b*tches or, um, I Thought I Could Sing.

(chuckles)

I appreciate the lying, but...

I think I know what happened there.

We were just "Jess-balled."

What?

Like blackballed.

When Jess does something, and then we're not allowed back.

We were Jess-balled.

Believe me, I'm used to it already.

Sorry.

Nobody's perfect.

Oh, no, no.

Your cigar...

Is it bad?

No.

Reminds me of my dad.

Smell hung around longer than he did.

Here.

Happy Mother's Day to you.

Who told you?

How old were you when your... when your dad checked out?

Ella's age.

I was 11.

I was such a bitch to my mom.

Well, yeah.

You punish the parent that's around more.

That's how it works.

Yep.

Really?

Oh, yeah.

I'm impressed.

I remember thinking, "I would never screw up a family like that."

And I swore to myself I'd never get married.

Almost made it.

(coughing)

I should have gone with the chocolates.

(coughs)

(laughs)

Whatever. Maybe we should just give up, get the orders to go.

Give up? No.

Not a chance. No way.

I'm not giving up.

I'm not letting her win.

Okay, I like your attitude.

Yeah, I'm not gonna back down; she's a kid.

I mean, come on, give me a break.

Whoa, who's this guy?

Maybe you are a top.

Are you okay with that?

Look... there's only one guy I'd bottom up for.

Don't make me cry.

(chuckles)

Bring her home, Mommy.

(sighs)

I mean "Daddy." I'm sorry.

Got it.

Hey.

Hey.

All right, what's it gonna take?

Hello.

Uh, give it back!

I promised Mommy I would get you inside. Come on.

Mommy hates me.

That's crazy.

She loves you more than anything.

You don't see the way she treats me.

You're not there.

Yes, you're right, I'm not there, and... maybe that's part of the problem, you know?

It's hard for Mommy when I'm not there.

But you need to help out more; you're the oldest.

But I don't want to be the oldest.

Hey, I... don't always want to be the dad.

Some of the time.

Really? She's still out here?

I just wanted to go to Harvey's.

Like when I was little.

Oh, baby.

You're not little anymore.

And Harvey's is gross.

I saw a homeless man die there once.

Yeah. I couldn't tell you 'cause you were too little, but you're old enough to hear the weird stuff now.

Come on, Mommy needs a mimosa.

Thank you.

AJ: So how'd you do it?

I just told her to cut the sh*t.

Really?

Lina did it.

Oh, sh*t.

You know what this means, right?

Yeah, we're both bottoms.

Hey, we're not just any old bottoms.

We're power bottoms.

Power bottoms?

Yeah.

It's where the bottom tells the top what to do.

I can live with that.

Little domination from down under.

Power bottoms rule.

AJ: Hmm, totally.

Russ: I'm sorry I didn't more today.

You were there.

I was totally here. That's something.

You want to fool around?

Um...

What if my Mother's Day present... is that I don't have to have sex with you?

Okay.

But that is what I gave you for your birthday.

Get the lube.

Yes!