02x14 - The Desert

[bunniefuu]

Mindy: Every great love story has a beginning.

I want you to be with me.

I want me to be with you too.

But every great love story also has an end.

We can either break up now, or we can do it three years from now.

I'm just doing us a favor.

What?

Mindy: And when your love story ends, all you can do is cry, listen to sad music, and drink wine that you bought from a gas station.

[Sarah McLachlan's building a mystery]

♪ So careful when I'm in your arms ♪
♪ 'Cause you're working ♪
♪ Building a mystery Home. Go home.

Mindy: And I'll think of some way to get him back.

Scarlet, you are a genius.

I'm coming for you, Cliff!

How can you be in such a good mood?

Your boyfriend dumped you.

On a technicality, Danny.

And like Amanda "foxy knoxy" knox, I, too, will be exonerated.

I changed my flight.

I'm gonna go back to New York this morning, and I'm gonna win Cliff back.

No, you're not.

You're coming with me to see my dad.

Your dad dad? Yes.

The man who abandoned you, leaving you emotionally closed off and completely immune to tickling.

Okay, okay, for the last time, there's no scientific correlation between being emotional and being ticklish.

I called him last night, okay?

I called him.

He lives a couple hours from here, and you're coming with me.

I can't.

I already called and left a message for Cliff.

Well, it's just one day.

And, you know, I could use you for, you know, whatever it's called...

Emotional support.

I would love to be there to support you.

You've never been this interesting.

Then come!

Danny, I can't waste any more time.

I was lucky to be with Cliff.

He didn't cheat on me. He didn't flake and become a DJ.

The worst thing he ever did was suggest that we eat healthier.

And as awful as that was, I didn't appreciate him till he was gone.

I have to go win him back. I'm sorry.

Fine. Oh, and, Danny...

I need a ride to the airport. What?

And I don't like the way that the seat belts look over my boobs, so I'm not gonna wear my seat belt.

I'm gonna...

Okay, I'll give you a ride. Thank you.

Hey, doctor P!

How was L.A.?

It was horrible.

Thanks to Mindy, I was humiliated on national TV.

Did you bring me back anything?

My husband went to California once, and all he brought me back was the clap and Orson Welles' oscar.

I brought you back nothing because I'm getting a little sick and tired of the fact that working here means that everybody's got to be involved in everybody's business.

Ooh! Can I have this little football?

I love tiny things!

No, you may not have my tiny football.

Now, I have a lot of work to get done before my date tonight with a D.T.F. butterface, whose name I think is Megan.

So, if you could please just leave me alone...

Morgan: Dr. P., I'm stuck in the bathroom.

The handle... It fell off.

Could someone who's not me please deal with that?

Mindy: Hey, thanks for driving me to the airport, Danny.

You got that tonic water? Yeah.

Thank you. Hey, cr*ck it open for me.

[Can opens]

I think you could've done it yourself, but... thank you.

It's so beautiful here, you know, so arid.

The quality of the air... [Spits]

Was that necessary?

Did it go bad? What's wrong with you?

It's not tonic water. It's seltzer.

You couldn't swallow one sip of a different kind of fizzy water?

It's all over the car now.

It's the same thing!

It's not the same. Tonic water's tonic water, okay?

It's refreshing, it's crisp.

It's the tiniest bit sweet.

Okay.

God, it's taking a really long time to get to L.A.X.

Are we there yet much?

Gonna sleep.

[Imitates snoring]

No, really, I'm gonna sleep for real.

Yeah, yeah, sleep. It might take a bit.

I'll wake you up when we get there.

Peter: All right, face, hope you got your life vest on, 'cause you are about to go motorboating.

Oh, no.

Morgan: Dr. P?

Do you have any baby wipes?

Oh, no!

What are you doing?

I'm trying to get out of here.

Dr. P, it only opens from the outside.

Mindy: Wait. Where are we?

Danny? Danny, why are we not at the airport?

We're not going to the airport.

We're at my dad's house.

Did you kidnap me? This is an Amber alert!

Okay, come on, that's for cute little blonde girls.

It's not for you.

You cannot just kidnap people because you need moral support.

I don't need moral support.

I need you to reset my hand, because I'm gonna break it when I punch my dad in the face.

Stay in the car. What? Danny!

Danny, no!

Danny, stop! Stay in the car!

No. Danny, stop it!

I said stay in the car.

You stay in the car! You're not doing this, Danny.

Danny, stop!

What are you doing? Stop it.

Get back in the car.

I'm not gonna get back in the car.

Danny!

Who are you?

I'm Danny Castellano.

I'm Danny Castellano.

I think you're my brother.

Dad, come here.

What's that?

Danny.

Hey, Danny.

That's the first step.

Will you come in and stay for some potato-chip pie?

Yeah. I think will. No. No, we're good.

Potato-chip pie sounds like it combines all my favorite things.

We're gonna stay. Come on in.

No, we're gonna... We're going.

We got to hit the road.

We drove out here. Now we're gonna do...

You wanted this, and it's happening now.

Dr. P, every time I ask Tamra out, she says no. Uh-uh.

Do you think she has a crush on me?

Um, let me think about it. I don't care.

Hey.

I only hope that my nose will adapt to the stench that you've made.

Do you know every time you bring it up, it hurts my feelings a little bit more?

What am I supposed to do, ignore it?

I can see the smell. I just peed.

Then you need serious medical attention.

If I had health insurance...

Cliff: Hey, Inez, you can head home for the day.

Is that Cliff?

I'm just gonna finish up some paperwork here.

Okay, good night, Mr. Gilbert.

[Jewel's you were meant for me plays]

[Singing along] ♪ I hear the clock, it's 6:00 A.M. ♪

It's coming through the vents.

He can hear us. He can get us out of here! Cli...

Cliff, high-pitched voice: ♪ Anymore, 'cause... ♪
♪ Dreams last for so long ♪

♪ Even after you're gone ♪

[crying]

Is he crying?

Oh, my God.

We can't let him know we're in here now.

He'll know that we heard him.

It's not that big of a deal. It's not tharrassing.

It was pretty... Why? Why?

Now we should let him save face.

Oh, my God.

Mindy: Great news.

I just got off the phone with the airline, and in nine short hours, I will have forced my way into Cliff's unwilling arms.

See? Was that so hard?

It was, and it was very expensive.

And I was on the phone for so long that the phone started smelling like my breath, which you know I hate.

You'll be fine, 'cause you're getting home to Cliff, right?

So you want that.

Some more pie? Mindy, thirds?

Oh, God, yes, please. It's so good.

No, she's good. It's delic...

No, you're good. You're all good.

So you cook now, huh?

Mm-hmm. That's great.

I remember when I was a kid.

All our home-cooked meals came from the inside of a fast-food bag.

What's fast food?

Fast food's what you eat on the living-room floor while your dad watches TV and comments on Sandy Duncan's chest.

Danny!

Actually, the wife and I don't allow TV in the home.

Where is she now?

She's, uh, working double shifts because you're between jobs right now?

Actually, Tara travels for her work.

She sells these oversized turkey legs at renaissance faires, and I have a barbershop over at the m*llitary post...

"The United States of haircuts," a little wordplay. [Laughs]

So I have a soccer game tomorrow.

Can you come?

Danny, you should go.

You know, I can... I can drive myself to the airport.

Uh... sure.

Soccer game? Yeah, I'll go.

Okay. Dessert?

Love dessert.

Mindy: Bye! Bye!

Thank you for having me. Danny. Danny.

They are so cute.

They could have their own reality show.

The real house-child of desert...

You know, I'm not good with names.

That's someone else's...

Yeah, ye, they're cute. They're really, uh...

[Can opens] Really cute.

Hey, maybe cool it with the beers, okay?

You already had, like, three inside.

'Cause, you know, you're gonna get the hiccups, and I'm not gonna be there to scare you.

I'm good. Don't worry about me.

Okay.

Well, wish me good luck with Cliff.

I'm gonna take a walk, and, uh...

Yeah.

Be careful driving.

You're not very good.

Are you sure you should be head...

Okay.

Cliff, singing along: ♪ I know you love me ♪
♪ A soon you will see ♪

[sighs]

It's been the same song for two hours.

I'm starting to lose it.

Why is this guy so sad? What, did his grandma die?

[Gasps] Grandma's dying.

No, my friend.

I'd know that cry anywhere.

That is the sound of a man who's had his heart broken.

How do you know?

When Becca left me, I was a mess.

But Mindy and Cliff are dating. There's no reason she...

What?

Did Mindy dump Cliff?

Does she think she can do better?

'Cause she can't. No!

No guy wants a chick that's successful.

Yeah, I heard that.

Of course you did. A-roo!

[Barking]

This is our fault. We set them up.

I already wrote a toast for their wedding.

"The dictionary defines wedding as a gathering..."

Hold on.

He stopped.

It stopped. Yes.

Cliff, high-pitched voice: ♪ Dreams last for so long

I'm losing it! Shh.

We're gonna die! No, no. Shut up!

Shut up!

Shut up! [Screams]

Oh, my God, thank God you're here!

I knew this was a gay pickup spot.

No, it's not, Doris.

Come on, let's get the hell out of here before he makes a big mistake.

I feel bad. Should we say something?

I got a date I got to try and salvage.

I mean, we all have things, you know what I mean?

I got a carton of kittens at home that think I'm their mom.

I'm their dad.

Hey, Cliff. What's... what's up, man?

Hey... brah.

Guys.

Cliff: You've reached Cliff Gilbert. Please leave a message.

[Beep]

Look, babe, I will do anything to win you back...

Like, anything. I will vacuum.

[Incoming-call beep] Oh! Hey, babe!

I was just leaving you a message.

Look, I was telling you that I would vacuum, and I don't know that I would do that.

What? What?

Danny?

Yes. Who'd you think it was?

Cliff, obviously.

Oh, give me a break with Cliff!

I'm lost in the desert right now, and I'm drunk.

What? What do you want?

I need you to come out here.

Yeah, well, call your dad.

I'm not calling that son of a bitch.

I'd rather... rather die here in the desert.

I think you're being dramatic.

I am not being dramatic!

What are you doing?

Nothing! I'm fine!

You know what? Go, go, go.

I'll figure it out on my own. Good-bye.

[Phone clicks]

Damn it.

[Tires squealing] You've got to be kidding me.

Stupid... stupid Danny.

[Elevator bell dings]

So, Cliff, do you got any plans for tonight?

Oh, you know, probably just...

Get in my PJs and...

♪ Hop into bed ♪
♪ Dreams last so long ♪

Hey, Cliff, you okay, buddy?

Yeah.

♪ Hearts are broken every day ♪

Hey, you're singing a lot of jewel, man.

Mindy and I broke up, and, uh...

[Elevator bell dings] I'm taking it pretty hard.

Maybe you need a guys' night out.

You guys want to take me out?

I don't know. Oh, yeah.

I got a sex date with a two, which means she's a Chicago four, which means she's a Wisconsin nine.

I think you can move that around...

A little bit.

All right! Why not? Yeah!

I can have meaningless sex any night of the week, but I can't ignore the call of a dude with a broken heart.

Let's make this a night not to remember, huh?

Three, two, one...

Both: Best friends club!

I'll get it by the end of the night.

This is gonna be bad. Yeah, I know.

[Whispering] Danny.

Danny!

If you're here, please say something, Danny.

Mindy! Oh, my God!

What took you so long?

What took me so long?

Yeah. Oh, I don't know.

Maybe it was the two-hour drive back from the airport or the mile that I walked through the desert.

Okay, it's very confusing out here.

I was trying to follow the big dipper, but I don't know what it means.

Danny, you made me miss another flight, okay?

I already pre-ordered my snack.

It was a fiesta salad wrap... My favorite!

Okay, relax.

I think coming to save me is a little more important than...

Than what?

[Sighs] Forget it.

No. What?

Than to run home to a guy that clearly doesn't want to be with you anymore.

Excuse me?

You want a tip?

Guys don't break up with girls they secretly want to be with.

That doesn't happen...

Maybe in the movies, but not in real life, okay?

He dumped you. It's over. Forget about it.

Sorry, sweetheart.

You know what, Danny?

Yeah, what? When I first met you...

I thought, "wow. That guy is so handsome and smart.

"How could he be single?

He's such a catch."

Then I got to know you better.

And I realized... You're mean.

Yeah, you're mean, and you are selfish.

And you're just like your dad.

No, you know what? You're worse than your dad, 'cause your dad changed.

You know what? It's cold. Let's just get out of here.

Fine. Let's go.

No, don't walk with me.

You walk 20 feet behind me. Wha...

And every so often, whistle that song from the hunger games so I know you're not dead.

[Swallows hard]

Mm.

Hey!

What is Mindy thinking? What a moron for dumping you.

Oh, no, Mindy didn't dump me.

No, I ended it with Mindy.

[Burps]

You dumped her? I don't understand.

What, are you crazy? Why?

Well, I couldn't trust her.

I mean, she went to a party in Los Angeles with her ex-fiance.

I was at that party, dillweed. Nothing happened.

She's obsessed with you.

You're all she talks about.

I know what size jeans you wear.

And I know that your mom's name is Ellen, but her friends call her "cookie."

W-w-wait.

D-d-do you guys think I made a mistake?

W-w-w-w-wait. Hol... hold on a second, guys.

Oh, "do you think I made a..." Yes, I think you made a mistake!

Aghh! Waiter!

I'd like another order of, "yes, this guy made a mistake."

I'm out of here, Morgan. Unbelievable.

Ere you going? I can't believe it.

I bought you drinks on my credit card, man.

You think I can afford seven mojitos for a guy who did not just get dumped?

[Whistling]

Oh, my God.

That sounds nothing like rue.

Have you even seen hunger games?

[Continues whistling]

Oh, look...

Civilization.

What the hell?

This town's not on the map.

[Sirens blaring] Oh, God!

Identifications, please.

Okay, I know that my I.D. says that I am 5'10" with blonde hair, 110 pounds with crystal blue eyes.

My philosophy is that an I.D. Should be aspirational.

That's very nice, miss Silverado.

Oh. Well, thank you for your service to our country.

Silverado?

Castellano?

Are you related to Alan Castellano?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Unfortunately I am.

Oh, man, Alan cuts all the boys' hair on the base.

That's great. Why don't you just give him a call?

Have him come pick you up.

This is very hard for him because he has a very complicated relationship with his father.

Oh.

He was abandoned as a child, and so now he feels...

Okay, okay. I'm gonna do it.

[Whispering] It's pretty messed up.

I can't imagine that phone call was easy for you to make.

Yeah, thanks for showing up.

I guess there's a first time for everything, right?

Come on, Danny.

Yeah. What do you want to hear? What do you want?

You want to hear it was hard? Yeah, it was hard.

The whole thing's been hard.

But, you know, I wanted to show up here, I wanted to show up, and I wanted to...

[Groans] I wanted to knock you out, man...

[Sighs] And be done with you, but...

It turns out you're a good dad now.

When did that happen?

Danny, I'm really sorry.

Oh, you're sorry. Now... you're sorry now?

I wasn't around.

I never came to any one of your dance concerts.

No, no, no. You mean my little league, okay?

My little league.

No. You remember.

You used to practice those pirouettes in the kitchen because the linoleum made it easier to spin.

Shh, shh.

I don't want the whole base to know I was a primo ballerino.

You were so graceful.

I was?

Danny, I can't ce the past, okay?

But you?

You can be a part of little Danny's future.

I don't know about that.

Danny, I want you to be part of the family.

Please.

Mindy: Um, I have a question.

How close do you think you are to finding Bin Laden?

What?

Well, I'm asking because I feel like I see him every day in Manhattan.

D-don't you... No.

I'm not seeing him. We're gonna get out of here.

I want to thank you. Sure.

It's just... why...

Thank you, sir. Salute him, salute him.

God, this knot is insane.

So what's your boyfriend like?

Is he cute like Liam from one direction?

Liam from one direction?

Uh, more like Harry from one direction.

Here, check him out.

Pretty bangin', huh?

He doesn't look like Harry.

Obviously. It's Harry styles.

No one looks like... But he's...

He's mad at me, though. Why?

Did you bring home a little snake and hide it in your room?

No, I was the snake.

And now I have to go apologize to him, but I don't know what to say to him.

I had to apologize to my neighbor when the snake bit her.

I wrote her a nice letter.

Write Cliff a letter.

Little Danny, that is a good idea.

Of course, because it came from the mouth of a wee babe.

[Laughs] Thank you.

You know what? Can you go sneak me one of the popsicles?

The moms are onto me.

What's your favorite flavor? Red.

Red. Got it.

Get a blue and a green just in case.

Mindy: Danny? Danny.

I'm not gonna get up again so you can walk the aisles.

You're not gonna get thrombosis.

I don't care what the today show says.

I don't care. No, it's not that.

I want to apologize.

It took a lot for you to make peace with your dad.

I mean, you did it in a completely melodramatic way.

I could've done without wandering around the desert.

I sat on an armadillo, k*lled it.

That was not good for my self-esteem.

But...

You're not mean. You're great.

Hey.

[Sighs]

And I'm sorry about what I said about Cliff.

You weren't lucky to be with him.

He was lucky to be with you.

How's that letter going?

Can I read you the first part?

Sure. [Clears throat]

"Dear Cliff, "I'm so sorry for what I did.

It's just that Casey and I had a sexual chemistry..."

No, no. That... that's not good.

Okay, can I help you? Okay.

Okay.

[Sighs]

How about something like this?

"Dear Cliff, please forgive me.

I'm sorry I was so stupid and reckless with your heart."

Oh, my God.

Okay, keep it coming, little Shakespeare. Okay.

"You know you're right for someone when they force you to be the best version of yourself. That's how I know we're right for each other, Cliff."

This is amazing.

All right, here goes nothing.

And...

[Tablet chimes] [Sighs]

[Phone chimes]

Mindy: "Dear Cliff, please forgive me.

"I'm so sorry.

I was stupid and reckless with your heart."

[Phone ringing]

Oh, God. Um...

Hello?

Cliff: Morgan? I thought about it.

I need to get Mindy back.

Yeah, you do!

Who am I speaking to?

It's Cliff.

Peter: You tap that, Cliff.

You tap that into the sunset.

I wi... [Phone clicks, dial tone]

Hello?

Hey, I really appreciate this. Thank you so much.

And as payment, one tonic water.

Thanks. I will be right back.

All right.

[Bang, plane rumbling]

[Intercom chimes]

Oh, brother.

[Sighs]

Hey.

Hey, Danny, all these waters look the same.

I-I just don't...

When I first met you, I thought you were a screechy head case.

Come on, Danny. Yeah.

We get it, Danny. You're so much smarter than us.

I am, though.

Just tell them that I'm not some crazy pervert.

I mean, I'm not gonna lie to them.

Danny, you are so selfish!

Danny: Then you became more tolerable, and we're good, right?

You're a woman, and that's good. Look like a woman.

Okay.