02x17 - Be Cool

[bunniefuu]

This morning I woke up in bed with Danny Castellano, because I am straight up dating Danny Castellano.

It's so nice to wake up, turn over and see Danny instead of a Kn*fe I hid to protect myself.

♪

Go back to bed.

Mindy: Oh, and best of all, the free pancake breakfasts.

Danny, work is gonna be so much more fun now that we're dating.

We can take x-rays of us making out.

Yeah, I actually wanted to talk to you about that.

I was thinking maybe for now, we should just... Be cool.

"Be cool"? What does that mean?

Well, look, it's bad enough that Peter already knows about this.

Every time I see him, he asks me if I've had any hot chocolate.

Talking about your skin tone, okay?

I just... I don't like it.

Danny, are you embarrassed of me?

'Cause I'm, like, very smart and successful, and I'm hot, but I, like, don't even know it, which makes me even hotter. No, no, no, no.

No, I'm not embarrassed of you.

It's just that this is new, and I don't want people talking about us and making it weird.

Okay. This, us...

You're very important to me.

Really?

Yes.

Okay, we can date in secret, sure.

Let's be cool. I'll be cool.

Mindy: Dating is fun, but dating in secret is really fun.

Danny, can I get a second opinion on this chart?

Yeah, sure.

I was looking at it, and it doesn't add up.

[The cars' just what I needed]

Whoa, whoa, let me read the chart first, and then I'll give you kisses.

That was obviously a lie to get you in here.

You sly dog.

♪ I kind of lose my mind ♪

Mindy, I just got a call from the hospital.

You gave a patient the wrong medication, and she's in a coma!

[Both gasp] In my office, now!

I know a guy who can disappear you.

You're bad at this.

♪ And wasting all my time ♪

[Elevator bell dings]

♪ I guess you're just what I needed, just what I needed ♪

I saw a headline in the post today.

[Whispering] It said, "news flash...

You're staying at my place tonight."

[Light slap]

♪ You're just what I needed, yeah, yeah, yeah ♪

Mindy: Clandestine make-outs, sexy glances, footsie-ing each other's brains out, and not to brag, but I haven't been home in three days.

God, I am such a slob.

[Gasps] I have been robbed.

Hey, Jeremy, can I get friday night off?

I got a real hot date with an E.T.P.C.

What's an E.T.P.C.?

An eager-to-please chubster.

This chick requires no work whatsoever.

I go over there, bring her some kettle corn.

Next thing you know, we're knocking boots, baby.

Friday is technically Mindy's night off.

I did try to switch her to thursday, remember, but she wrote that jezebel article about how I "r*ped her weekend."

I have this box of condoms that's about to expire.

Speaking of hot dates, I was talking to your girlfriend this morning.

What? What do you mean my girlfriend?

Who told you I had a girlfriend? I don't have a girlfriend.

Okay, yes, I am friends with lots of girls, like your Beverlys and your Betsys, but I don't have a girlfriend. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Relax. I'm talking about Brooke.

Oh, Brooke? Yeah.

Brooke's in town? Yes, she is.

Right now she's...

Is that my pen, man? Ugh, gross.

Bite your nails like an adult.

Who's Brooke?

Brooke is a pharmaceutical rep. She comes once a year.

Last year her and Danny hit it off, rather, and they shared a cornish handshake.

[Whispering] Sex.

That's great, right?

'Cause if you were dating someone else, then that would be kind of uncomfortable for you.

Uncomfortable? Uncomfortable?

I am the most comfortable I've ever been.

Oh, clearly. You seem loose.

Jeremy: This is a new low. Are you wearing sleep pajamas?

Yes. Yes, I am wearing a nightgown.

For the record, I still look adorable.

I look like Wendy from Peter Pan.

And I'm sorry that I didn't have a lot of clothes options, because my apartment was robbed.

[Both gasp] De Blasio's been mayor for a couple of months, and now we're suddenly living in Baghdad?

Yes. Hey, what was the point of me choosing to live in a gay neighborhood, okay, if I can't leave my door wide open?

It's not for the culture and the art and all the parades.

Be careful. Criminals, they can return to their marks.

I've been mugged five times by the same g*ng of teenage girls.

Maybe somebody should stay with you.

Well, that would make me feel safer.

Well, I'm not gonna make you ask twice.

I'm in. I'm moving in indefinitely until you feel safe. Yes.

Oh, Morgan, that's very sweet of you, but maybe someone else would be more of an appropriate choice.

What about Danny?

Could you stay with Mindy?

Adobe acrobat is still updating in here.

I got to take care of it.

I'm sorry. I just said I would do it, okay?

I-I-I... What's up?

[Whispering] What the hell are you doing?

[Whispering] I'm sorry.

If you just asked me in private, Morgan wouldn't be sleeping in your apartment.

I know. I'm so used to everybody knowing everything about my life.

Morgan knows my menstrual cycle, and I find it very helpful.

Look, Mindy, we have something really nice, and I just don't want the peanut gallery in the office to stick their nose in and screw things up, okay?

So we still cool?

[Normal voice] Uh, let this answer your question.

[Beatboxing]

Ow! Oh, God, I bit my tongue.

[Sighs] I don't know why, but I still want to hit it.

What do you mean you don't know why?

Morgan: Dr. L, if those burglars try to break in again, they're toast.

I have a plan.

I'm gonna get that doorknob piping hot.

So, if they touch it, sss! Burns their hand.

They kick the door open, boom, paint can right in the head.

Kaput.

Did you learn this from home alone?

I didn't just watch home alone.

I also watched some grown-up films.

Like grown ups?

I watched home alone and grown ups.

You know what? If you're gonna stay here for a very short amount of time, we have to have some ground rules.

Yes, we are roomies with benefits.

What? Absolutely not!

What about friendship?

Oh, yes. Yes, yes.

Go to bed. Just don't touch anything.

I'm not even here.

You're the best.

You know what? Not a lot of guys would do this.

No one is gonna cut you up into little pieces tonight.

What? I'm gonna keep you safe.

Go, don't think about it.

Hey, you like eggs Benedict?

I do.

So do I.

Good night.

Good-bye.

Real quick... Tutorial on the remote?

Which button is pow... Okay, I'll figure it out.

[Whispering] All right, come here, come here. I know, I know, shh.

Listen, you begged me to come here, okay?

So don't screw this up for me, you little son of a bitch.

[Smooches] Oh, my God, I love you so much.

No accidents. That goes for both of us.

For the bath. [Puppy growling]

[Normal voice] What do you got there?

What is that? What are you doing?

No, no, no, no, no. Stop it. Stop it.

Get out of there. It's Mindy's scrubs.

These are men's scrubs.

"Dr. Peter prentice."

Mindy and Peter are sleeping together?

Aah!

Morgan, I told you. I can't promote you to doctor.

That's not even why I'm here. Listen to me, listen, hey.

God, how do I put this delicately?

Dr. Lahiri and Dr. prentice are having an affair.

[Laughs]

Peter and Mindy? That's ridiculous, Morgan.

No, it's not. I found his scrubs at her apartment.

And they're always hanging out together.

She took him to that wedding, even though I'm her best friend.

Come on. Although...

You know what? Peter did ask for the same night off as Mindy yesterday.

Come on. No, no, but he was going on a date with an E.T.P.

Oh, good God, Mindy's the chubster. A chubster?

Come on, man! I mean, how many creeps in this building is she gonna throw herself at?

Cliff, Deslaurier, you.

Yeah.

She's really bottoming out, isn't she?

Peter's awful to women.

Yeah, he broke up with a girl one time on the kiss Cam at a Knicks game.

Ugh. I got to go talk to her.

This is a roommate-to-roommate thing.

It's just better off if I just go and I burst into her office and yell at her.

No, no, no, no, Morgan. This is a personal matter, not a professional one, okay? It's not our place to interfere.

Okay, we have to lock this secret away along with the memory of daddy kissing the rubbish man.

Poor Dr. L.

Yeah. Poor rich Dr. L.

Danny. Hi.

I was hoping you'd be here.

Brooke, it's really... It's good to see you.

You too.

I mean, you always have such interesting medications to tell us about.

I have a new kind of naproxen that will blow your mind.

Oh, good, good.

Naproxen's good for treating thick uterine walls.

You always remember the details of my presentations.

Oh, you better be careful.

I have a very contagious rash on my arm.

I don't want to give it to you. Oh, okay.

I'll see you in there, right? Okay. Okay, I'm gonna see you...

Yeah, I'm gonna check you out in there.

Okay, great. [Clears throat]

[Whispering] Hey.

She's very pretty.

Really? I don't think so.

Did you guys have, like, a little thing?

Brooke and I are old news, okay? It's nothing to worry about.

I'm not worried. I'm cool, Danny.

Actually, I think it's kind of hot, you know?

She thinks she's gonna get with you, but secretly, you're with me.

Yeah. So what's the deal?

Did you get rid of Morgan tonight?

Am I... am I staying over?

What? What's going on?

Is Dr. C gonna be at our house tonight?

Well...

He is, Morgan, because...

Dr. C and Dr. L...

Are throwing a party...

[Laughs] At Mindy's house, and everyone's invited.

Morgan: A surprise housewarming party for me? I knew it!

Brooke: With this new birth control pill, any woman can sync her menstrual cycle with her friends or a list of endorsed celebrities.

I'm on Sandy Bullock's.

That's all. Fantastic presentation, Brooke.

Peter: Yeah, you made me wish I could menstruate.

Oh, Dr. Castellano, I know you always have a lot of follow-up questions.

I'd be happy to answer them one-on-one, maybe tonight.

Tonight?

Tonight we have Mindy's party. Maybe she could join?

Oh, well, you know how Mindy is with the velvet ropes.

I mean, unless you're "Benjamin Cumberbeach," you know, good luck to you.

Peter: Since the guest list is so tight, well, maybe you and I could hang out.

Yeah, let me think about that.

Peter, you're seeing someone.

The chubster? Yeah.

It's just a hook-up thing.

It's not a "lights on" situation.

Uh, Brooke. What?

Hmm? I think what Danny was trying to say was that maybe he's seeing someone and he wants to spend time with her at the party.

Oh. Is that true? You have a girlfriend?

Nope.

He's fine. Yeah, no girlfriend.

He's free.

Great.

I'll see you there.

Well, everyone will be seeing everyone.

Both: You're disgusting.

Morgan: Oh, my God, I'm freaking out!

What if no one shows up? I'll never live it down.

[Cell phone chimes]

All right, well, I already went out and got all new food, 'cause I ate all the other food.

Hey, how do I look?

[Cell phone chimes]

Aw. You like it?

I feel like I'm bursting in it.

What a dweeb.

Are you texting Dr. prentice?

What? No.

Okay.

Does this look okay from the back?

'Cause I feel like little pockets of fat are sh**ting out from the side of the vest.

Do you have a different vest?

No, I don't have a different vest!

I'm not a hedge funder.

♪ I stepped up in here like I'm k*lling 'em all ♪

Hey, how's it going? Anything you want.

You can take anything you want.

Hi! You look like a little bear cub.

Let me get these bad boys in here.

Morgan, that's very nice. Yeah, after you.

Hey, how many people can spend the night here?

'Cause I told everybody they could.

None can. No one can. No.

Zero? Okay. Yeah.

Have you seen Danny?

Yeah, he's in my bedroom.

Wait. The living room?

Eh...

Okay, I don't want you to call it that.

I sleep there, so a little bit of both.

Hey.

Hey.

Great tie.

So when can we leave this lame party?

♪ There's no hype, I look nice in my nikes ♪

Hey, Brooke! Oh, hi.

What are you doing here in my house?

Danny invited me.

Hmm.

Oh, everyone invited everyone.

No, remember, you asked me to come specifically.

It was like a date.

It was a... oh, I don't... I didn't think it was.

It was, like, a big, big group... Group thing.

I don't know that dynamic.

Heard it's gonna snow tomorrow...

In April.

[Laughs] Oh, my God.

Do you remember that blizzard last year, and we didn't leave your apartment for two days?

Uh, I don't... You do.

[Gasps] Oh! Oh, my God. Oh, God.

Morgan: No one freak out... Some glass in the food, no big deal.

You okay? Are you okay?

I have... I have no feelings in my hands...

Or in my heart.

Brooke: So what's new with you, Dr. Lahiri?

You seeing anybody?

I'm not seeing anybody. Oh.

I am single, because my boyfriend was decapitated.

He was what?

He was acting like a jerk, and then someone just took a scimitar and cut his head right off.

So nice to see you.

I'm gonna go drink alone in my bedroom, so have a great night. Okay.

Bev, I'm gonna grab this from you.

Thank you, bev.

Hey, Danny, have you seen some of the weird feminist art in Mindy's apart...

What the hell is wrong with you, man?

You're skeeving even me out. Just tell everybody about Mindy.

Look, I just... I need... I need to take my time.

Just tell everybody.

No, it's private.

What do you mean it's private?

Everybody knows everybody's business around here.

I don't want anyone to know mine, okay?

Just leave it like that, thank you.

Whoa, whoa, over there. Look, look.

[Hip-hop music]

[Knocking]

Hey.

Mindy? Min, where are you?

Mindy, what are you doing?

I'm smoking one of Danny's cigarettes to be cool.

Just leave me alone. Stop it!

[Mumbles] Stop it.

It doesn't make you cool.

Don't take away my cigarettes! I love them.

Are you kidding me? Ugh.

Can they be more disrespectful?

Dragging Peter in her bedroom for meaningless sex in the middle of the party, in my home?

Well, maybe you're right, Morgan.

Maybe we should step in.

Look, I saw what was going on out there.

Danny's being a real tool.

Why does he want to keep our relationship a secret?

I'd be so excited to tell everyone that we were dating.

I wish you would tell everyone you were dating.

Then I could make fun of you two in public.

Maybe if I looked more like Brooke.

Is Danny embarrassed by me, Peter?

[Sighs]

Is there something wrong with me?

Come on, there's nothing wrong with you.

I mean, I don't know why guys are shady about this stuff.

They don't like to go public sometimes unless they feel like there's a real chance they'll lose their girl.

Should I fake my own kidnapping?

I did that once to try to get out of a fun run.

Look, there's this chick that I've been macking on a month or so, on the D.L., and every time we go to have the girlfriend talk, I tell her I have to go to the can, and then I flat out do not come back.

Oh, my God!

But the truth is that if I ever thought even for a second that another dude was interested in her, I would lock it down.

Start calling her Lindsay in front of my friends.

Lisa? But...

Peter, there is no other guy, unless you count Prince frog.

Stop it. Ow, my batwing!

You do have other dudes, one in particular.

Who?

Me.

All right, what are we working with here?

All right, we got to slut you up a bit.

Okay. What are you doing?

There we go, that's great.

I'm trying to make him think we're up to no good.

Oh, come on, Peter, Danny's never gonna think we're messing around.

It's not about that. It's about perception.

If I saw my girlfriend go into a bathroom with Andy Cohen, I'd freak out.

This is what I want you to do...

I want you to giggle like a little girl.

[Chuckles awkwardly]

Like a... like a human girl.

[Giggles] That is great.

Now, put two fingers in my belt loop, drag me out of here, and say, "Peter, you're so funny," so the whole party can hear. Well, that's gonna be the hardest thing I've...

Okay, I'll do it. I'll do it. Let's go.

[Giggles]

Peter, you're so funny. It's true.

[Hip-hop music]

Come here. Okay.

Luckily for you, I'm a very sensual eater.

Oh.

♪ So many things ♪

Feed me some of these grapes.

They are from my breaking bad finale party...

Just feed me the grapes.

All right, all right.

I'm just scared they have gone bad.

[Coughs] I'm gonna gag.

[Whispering] I'm gonna gag, but we're gonna make it look sexy, okay?

She's acting like a woman's only job is to serve a man.

What is it, 2008?

Nothing's going on there. It's friendship.

Yeah, that's why I'm all turned on, watching friendship.

Do me a favor. Stay right here. Okay, stay right here.

Okay.

[Mouthing words]

Peter: Hey, little thing.

Me?

Come sit on my lap.

Are you sure you mean me? There's, like, a lot of other women here who are a lot smaller than me.

Yes, Mindy.

[Laughs] Okay.

You wanted to speak to me? Yeah, come here.

Hey, hey, Mindy, can I...

[Whispering] Can I talk to you for a second?

No, we're busy. We're being cool.

You talk to Brooke. Yeah, Danny, be cool.

Hey, what's the deal?

I extended my visit for this party.

I'm really sorry.

I should've been up front with you, but...

To be honest with you, I do have a girlfriend.

But you should enjoy the city.

I mean, people say the Statue of Liberty is cliche, but I go see her every weekend.

[Laughing] It's okay, Danny.

If I know you, you'll be single the next time I'm in town.

You're sitting on me like a ventriloquist's dummy.

I feel so wooden, yeah.

Peter: Turn around. Make it hot.

I... okay. My hip flexors are very bad.

It's okay. Come on. What are you doing? I think this is sexy.

We can do this. [Chuckles]

[All scream]

Mindy: Is this lecture really necessary?

Your sex life is none of my business...

No, it is not.

But keeping tabs on it is my hobby, and I can't just stand here and let you date some creep from our office who treats you like garbage.

I'm sorry. You don't know what you're talking about.

Can't you correspond with prison convicts like normal desperate women?

Guys, I'm not that bad.

He's not that bad.

Mm... Yeah, you essentially are awful.

Well, I'm not the one that's dating Mindy.

Jeremy: Yeah, we know you're not dating her, Peter.

You're using her.

Ugh. You know, and Mindy deserves a man who will make an honest chubster out of her.

"Chubster"? Exqueeze-ez moi?

Yeah, some people say that about you.

Yeah, some people.

It's a different chubster.

I, too, have a confession.

I'm in love with Dr. Castellano.

Mindy, you keep on dating these men in our building.

It always ends in disaster.

Jeremy: You can't even take the stairs 'cause you're afraid you're gonna run into Cliff.

What happens when you break up with a doctor in our office?

He's using you for your perfect body and your covergirl looks, and you need to dump this scrub.

Okay, all right, look...

The truth is...

Mindy and... [Sighs]

The thing is, Mindy...

It doesn't matter. You know, I have a problem.

I have a problem. I have hit rock bottom.

What? I'm sorry.

I am a sex maniac.

I-I-I-I-I knew it. I knew it. There you go.

I'm going to take a good, hard look at my life, and I'd love some privacy.

Morgan: No, thank you. I'm sorry. We all... guys, I'm sorry.

It's been a long night.

I think Mindy and I really just need to unwind and relax, so if everyone could leave and give us our privacy... Morgan.

Morgan: I'm gonna go too.

I want you all out of my house, including me.

Peter: Hey, Lisa, yeah. I was thinking about you.

Actually, I, um... I can't come over tonight.

[Tires screech] Sorry.

Because I was hoping maybe I could take you out to dinner tomorrow night, you know, before we do it.

Hey.

Hey, is everybody gone?

Yeah, Beverly... she took all the cans and the bottles.

I hope that's okay.

I don't want to do this anymore.

I don't want to date in secret.

I think we should either date for real, or we should just end this.

Okay, yeah, I think...

I think you're right. We should call it off.

W-wait. What? No, no, Danny.

Danny, no, that was a false ultimatum.

I read in a magazine that's how you get a guy to...

No, I take it back. I take it back.

I don't want to stop. Okay, listen.

I don't want to stop dating, Danny. Listen, okay, please stop.

Just listen to me, okay?

[Sighs]

I don't know if you know this, but...

You're my best friend.

Sort of my...

My only friend, and, uh...

I need to have you in my life.

I have to have you, and this...

I'm afraid that this is... This is gonna...

No, no, no. No, no, no, don't, don't.

Wait a minute... you don't know what I'm about to tell you.

I do. I do.

You don't want to risk our great friendship.

It's a bunch of garbage.

That's what guys say... That's what cowards say when they want to get out of something, but they still want to seem nice.

I... [voice breaking] Don't tell me you want to be my best friend, 'cause I have friends.

I don't want you to get upset, okay?

I'm sorry, I just...

We want to k*ll each other at least once a day.

I don't mind it that much.

And what's gonna happen if we start dating?

I mean, really, what's gonna happen?

You're gonna get attached to me.

Yeah.

And then we're gonna fight more, then we're gonna break up, and... and... and then you're gonna go work somewhere else.

I'm not gonna see you. Is that what you want?

Or... Is that what you want?

No, or...

Or we fight, but we make up, and I change a little bit, and you change a lot.

Look, I've done that.

I know me. I will ruin this.

And there's... Mindy, there's a million things, and if could change one of 'em, great, but 2, 7, 20?

Look, I-I think the best thing for us to do...

I-I think it's... I think it's good that we stop this now.

I think you'll see that I'm right.

Why do we have to make this decision now?

Danny.

Why did you kiss me, Danny? Why did you even start this?

I'm sorry.

[Jimmy Durante's The Glory of Love]

♪ You've got to give a little ♪
♪ Take a little ♪
♪ And let your poor heart break a little ♪
♪ That's the story of ♪
♪ That's the glory of love ♪