02x18 - Girl Crush

[bunniefuu]

Mindy: Historically, breakups do not bring out the best in me.

[Yells]

What is the matter with you? [Yelling]

How could you do that to me?

[Shouting] Stop, stop, stop.

[Sobbing quietly]

But I could always throw myself into work to stem the heartbreak.

But not this time.

This time, there's literally nowhere to hide.

Good morning.

Morning.

Okay.

Danny, I love you.

Come on.

And that's just on the way to work.

Two to three minutes that you have, and so you have to make sure that your patients know...

Mindy: Every office meeting is a delicate ballet of awkwardness.

Peter: You don't want to run into any complications.

Hey, Mindy, take a seat.

Oh, no, no. I'm gonna stand.

Morgan: There's a space right next to Dr. C.

You're not in good enough shape to stand. Nah.

Sit right there. There's an open seat.

I synthesize material better standing.

You're making me uncomfortable. Just sit down.

You know what? I will take a knee.

I saw this in a High School football movie.

Okay. So where was I? Right.

You only have cord blood for a little bit of time.

A good way to remember things, especially when they refer to...

Mindy: There is no escape.

Which is why, Doris, I am sitting in the hot pipe room, eating my lunch by myself.

You're sitting on my bucket.

Oh. Oh, yeah, of course.

You know, Doris, you could join me for lunch here.

Table for two.

We could talk about boys and stuff.

I'm sorry, someone defecated in one of the urinals, and I gotta go take care of it.

Go. Go, go, go.

Oh, no. Okay.

This is women's deodorant. This is not my deodorant.

There's no way this is gonna be strong enough.

Miss, I'm sorry, is this yours?

No. Excuse me, miss.

I'm sorry, I think I've used your deodorant.

And you probably have mine.

It's a m*llitary-grade men's roll-on?

No, it's not mine. I don't sweat.

Oh, my God.

You're Sheila Hamilton of Hamilton health partners.

I just read your profile in vanity fair.

Oh, I cannot believe Annie Leibovitz got me to wear nothing but bubbles for that sh**t, but you know Annie.

Can I ask you something? Sure.

What was it like delivering north west?

They barely even needed me.

I mean, Kim's canal is spectacular, and Kanye's tender birthing rap really just did the rest.

The closest I've ever had to a celebrity patient was...

Do you remember Trishelle from real world/road rules: Inferno?

Oh.

Her mom was a patient until she let me go.

Well, I caught your twins delivery today, and I must say, I thought your technique was amazing.

You did?

I have got my eye on you, Dr. Lahiri.

Oh, you know my name.

It's written in magic marker on your rather large bag of potato chips.

I'm gonna eat that over the course of a month, so...

Danny: Mindy, what did you want to show us?

[Champagne cork pops]

Ow.

Oh, God. Oh, God.

I'm so... I'm so sorry.

I just think that we should start a champagne spritzer happy hour to provide some much needed glamour to this office and maybe attract some new patients.

I like my booze two ways only...

Straight up and by myself.

Okay.

But I think this would add some class to the practice, and it would attract some movers and shakers.

I don't want to name-drop, but last night I was talking to Sheila Hamilton.

Ugh, Hollywood Hamilton?

She's the worst.

Also, why is she talking to you?

You're not famous.

Maybe because I'm a good doctor.

Also, I am very famous.

Remember when I was featured in those TV commercials for Mamma Mia! On Broadway?

Mamma Mia? More like "mama likey."

It was the best birthday ever.

We were dancing in the aisles.

Sheila Hamilton is so full of herself just 'cause she treats celebrities.

Oh, wrong tack, Pete.

Look how her face lights up when you say "celebrity."

No, it didn't. It didn't light up.

Yes, you are. A little bit.

You lit up. Rather. Lit up.

I didn't light up.

Just be muted, okay?

Be muted like me.

I think we got plenty of glamorous patients here.

Mrs. Hernandez named their daughter "cashmere."

Yeah, Sheila Hamilton is nothing but a puffed-up star snogger.

I think she's very nice, and she complimented my twins delivery.

I don't even remember the last time you guys complimented any of my work.

You don't praise someone for doing a job they're supposed to do.

That's why I refuse to clap when an airplane lands.

[Cell phone vibrating]

Jeremy: Hold on, that's me.

Oh, my God, she's here!

We can stop talking about this bollocks.

Follow me.

Your lives are about to be changed.

What's going on?

Oh.

I give you the future of mobile gynecology: Our new medical bus.

This sign sucks. What?

It's like some soap opera star, a Mexican dentist, a beautiful indian woman, and some kid who just got bar mitzvah-ed.

And why did you use a photo of me when I was sneezing?

That's what you get for not taking your antihistamines.

I think it's kind of adorable.

I mean, I can actually hear the cute sound you make when you sneeze.

[Roaring]

Seriously, what do you guys think?

I hate it. I love it.

Okay. It's even sicker than I dare dreamed.

Thank you, Peter.

Is there a sign-up sheet?

'Cause I'm gonna need it for Mardi Gras, Dartmouth-penn weekend, and pretty much all of ski season.

Well, tomorrow we're taking it to spaniards' Harlem to give out some free breast cancer treatment.

We'll be the Harlem globe-screeners.

[Siren wailing]

Oh, I can't stay here.

I've got... Parking permit runs out, so...

Okay.

I'll drive around till tomorrow.

Look after my patients.

Great work.

Sally, take it easy on the sodas.

Mom'll be so pissed if you get fat again.

Mom can suck it. So can you.

She's 300 pounds, so I'm headed that way no matter what.

You are too, fatty. Aw.

[Spitting] Damn it!

How many times do I have to say, don't buy these low-Cal muffins?

Didn't I freak out about this in the meeting?

Who are you?

I'm Sally prentice, Peter's "crazy" sister.

Hey, I'm Danny. Hey.

Sally is in town from Tampa for her education, not to party.

Well, that's good.

Education is good. What are you studying?

Laser hair removal.

And 11 saturdays from now, I can zap all that knuckle hair off for you.

At cost. Well...

Oh, uh, no.

No, no, no. I'm good.

I'm good with the knuckle hair.

Take my card.

I haven't had a chance to make new ones yet, but...

"Sally prentice, closet organizational services."

Yeah. That was...

Very cool. All right.

Thanks for the sodas.

Bye, Peter.

No one gave them to you, so there's no reason to say thank you.

I will be back later for the deli meat.

Deli meats are how you got fat the first time.

Hey. What?

Quit eye-boinking my sister.

I would rather her date another death row inmate than you.

Just back off, okay?

What's wrong with me?

[Cell phone vibrates]

Hello?

Hi there, Mindy. It's Sheila Hamilton.

Oh, hello. How's it going?

I have been talking about you to some of the women in the office, and we think that maybe you should come by to talk about your future.

Oh.

Uh, I... I don't know.

Hey, min, we're gonna head home.

Do you want us to walk you out, so that horny raccoon doesn't follow you?

No, no, I like the attention.

Get out of here. Cool.

Mindy, it's just a quick tour.

You wouldn't want to let down your fans.

Fans?

Wow. I've always wanted fans.

I'd call them mindians, and we'd have, like, a signature growl.

What's that?

You know what? What the hell?

I'll come by tomorrow.

All right. See you then.

See you then.

[Raccoon chittering]

Not now, pepe.

[Raccoon chittering]

Everyone, I have a patient's emergency, so I'm just gonna go to the hospital.

Ooh, I am gonna go with you because it is french dip day in the I.C.U., and those guys can barely eat.

I-I... you can't come with me.

Because the patient is me.

Oh, you finally decided to go on lithium.

I think it's brave.

I don't need that.

Is it lap-band?

No.

It is not lap-band surgery, Morgan.

Thank you for asking.

It's actually very normal, and I just need to do it by myself, so...

Shh, we just keep this between us.

Okay. Okay.

That was weird, right?

Mm-hmm.

Hello.

Can I interest you in a warm cookie?

You need to put some meat on those bones, or you'll blow away.

Right? Thank you.

You have so many, I'll take a couple, if you don't mind.

Mindy, I'm so sorry I'm late.

I was on the phone turning down yet another award, the golden vulva.

Anyhoo, I see you've met Gladys.

She's a Princeton girl as well.

Shut up. No way.

Well, of course, back in the day it was all male, so I had to disguise myself as a man. I...

All right, thank you, Gladys. Thank you.

Let's not bore Mindy with your stories.

No, that was a great story.

At my work, all anyone talks about is NHL realignment.

Whoa, what is this?

Do you have a yoga studio here? Mm-hmm.

Pardon my french, but this place is bitchin'.

But you know, all the amenities in the world don't mean a thing unless the patient experience comes first.

Let me show you how we treat our patients.

Silk or raw silk?

They're both fair trade.

I don't even care about fair trade.

I'm sorry? [Clears throat]

I do care. Yeah.

Don't know much about the topic 'cause I find it boring.

These are amazing. Aw.

Oh, so I'm gonna go get... We're doing...

Right. I'm gonna go...

Okay, cool. Yeah.

Danny, Peter, pack up.

The mobile mammography bus is all gassed up and sanitized.

Also, there's gonna be a photographer from a spanish language newspaper there, provided we don't get bumped for a parade riot.

So, Peter, how's your sister holding up in the big city?

That is the second time that you've inquired about my sister, and if this pattern continues, I'll k*ll you.

Jeremy: Wh-wh-where are you going?

The bus leaves in five minutes.

Come on.

What the hell was that?

[Sighs] Peter and I are buds.

We were gonna get scuba certified together.

Why won't he let me date his sister? Why?

Any girl would be lucky to have your sculpted body, even a girl who's been under your nose all...

Danny: What about me? What about me?

What's the problem with me? What's the problem?

Well, maybe Dr. P doesn't like you because you're so intolerant.

I mean, you never let me take off the High holidays.

You're not jewish, Tamra.

How do I know if I want to become jewish if I've never tried it?

I don't need anyone's permission to date Sally except her and my mom, okay?

No, no, why do doctors keep on leaving?

Danny, the bus.

And where's Mindy?

I need a magic flute for you people.

Oh, zandra, this head massage is amazing.

But have we saved enough time for the pelvic exam?

All done.

What?

And this is a model of your uterus from our 3-d printer.

I use mine to raise succulence.

Between the smoothie and the kindly old ghost who hands out cookies and the nail art bar, I don't want to leave.

Well, maybe you don't have to.

Maybe we could figure out a way for you to stay here.

Are you offering me a job?

I think our practice could make you the doctor you were meant to be.

When I first met zandra, she was a disgraced doctor with a highly unfortunate cruise line.

And now I'm flying to Washington to give Sasha and malia the talk.

Oh, my gosh.

You know, you don't have to decide now.

We'll go to lunch later, and we can talk about it.

Well, well, well.

What the hell?

[Gasps]

This is Hamilton partners.

Mindy, what, are you sneaking around on us?

I wasn't at Hamilton health partners.

No, I was using the locksmith on the first floor.

Did your locksmith make that?

Because I would recognize your uterus anywhere.

Anywhere!

You were sneaking around with another practice?

Morgan, how did you even know where I was?

I told you, you're always supposed to believe my lies.

You left a trail of crumbs.

And that's not how I found you, fyi.

I'm friends with every nurse in Manhattan!

Did it feel good? Did you get off on it?

Did you get your rocks off on it?

That cheating feeling feel nice?

Okay, that's gross, Peter.

And yes, I did get my rocks off on it.

And it did feel good, 'cause you know what?

They were nice to me, and they appreciated me, which is more than I can say for you stupid bunch.

All right, you know what, guys, forget it.

If Mindy wants to go, let her go.

That is not our policy, Danny.

Mindy, get on the bus right now.

This bus is leaving immediately.

We can scold you on the way to spaniards' Harlem.

How dare you, sir? I will not get on that bus.

You can scold Morgan.

I didn't do anything.

Anyway, I'm gonna go have lunch with Hamilton health partners, and I'm sure it'll be very expensive.

Let her go, guys.

She's dead weight anyway.

I don't weigh anything. I'm like a cloud.

Bye, Danny.

Don't... Why?

A rain cloud.

Why?

Danny: Free blood pressure and...

Ladies, you look like you need some screenings.

Excuse me, senorita.

Would you want to come on this bus and have us examine your breasts?

Cochino! Whoa!

Oh! What does that mean?

She cast a spell on me!

Go and tell all your friends.

No one is coming on the bus.

Well, I guess a group of white guys offering free breast exams in the barrio might be a touch sinister.

Is this the bus where men can look at the women's breasts?

How much is a ticket?

Get out of here, you son of a bitch.

Get out of here. Get him out. Get him out.

Go to a peep show.

Mindy: This is just exciting for me, you know?

To Mindy. Welcome. Thank you.

I was sure it was gonna take a lot more wining and dining to get you to say yes.

Oh, no. Did I give in too easily?

I always do that.

It's like when that telemarketer called me and I went on a date with him.

Then he dumped me, but...

Oh, Mindy.

Mindy, we have needed someone with your...

[Inhales sharply]

Spice.

[Mouth full] My patients, they're gonna flip out for your practice.

Do you think that many of your patients are gonna be able to follow you?

Uh, they better follow me if they want to keep getting my raunchy horoscope emails.

Which reminds me, I should get your email addresses.

Mm, you do know that we don't take insurance, right?

Ex-squeeze me?

Well, in order to provide all of our premium services, we need to have our patients pay out of pocket.

Our kegel toning machine has to be serviced at the Swiss monastery where it was built.

But most of my patients can't afford to pay out of pocket.

Well, Mindy, you'll get new patients.

The rich and famous need medical help just as much as anyone else, maybe even more so, because they all have herpes.

Man, it'd be awesome to treat pop stars for their venereal diseases...

Yes. But those patients have been with me for years.

God, conscience, why won't you let me do this?

I'm so sorry.

Thank you for the opportunity, but I cannot abandon my patients.

I'm terribly sorry to hear that.

Sheila, before I leave, will you name-drop one more time?

Katherine Heigl.

Oh, you got to be kidding me.

[Cell phone vibrating]

Peter: What are you looking at?

Is that one of Mindy's raunchy horoscopes?

If you ask me, they've really fallen off lately.

Uh, it's just nothing. It's my mom.

She took a pic of a really big meatball she's making for dinner.

I love pictures of food. Let me see.

Oh, no, no, no. It's not a... it's not a...

I'm not showing anybody this.

Why are you holding on to this so tight?

I want to see the meatballs, man.

It's my mom's favorite recipe. Don't...

I don't care if it's your mom's recipe.

I want to see the meatballs.

Pete, Pete, Pete, don't look at that. Whoa!

Don't look. Those are not meatballs.

Put it down, Pete. Those are boobies.

Put it down. Put it... I'm sending them to myself.

Don't send them... don't send them to yourself, Peter.

Fine, doesn't matter. They're in the bank.

Don't put them in your bank. Mmm.

Every time I close my eyes, I see them.

Pete, it's your sister. It's Sally.

What?

[Gagging] Oh, my God. Oh, no.

She just sent this to me.

Oh, no, I just...

I'm sorry, Pete.

I just saw my sister's boobs.

Okay, I'm sorry.

I was turned on by my sister's boobs.

I don't know why she sent me that.

I just... Are you having a thing with Sally?

I asked you not to.

I'm sorry, Pete.

I can explain. Oh, Pete, just...

Ladies, please.

We are licensed professionals.

I don't care what you say.

You have a picture of my sister's boobs on your phone.

Pete, we look at boobs all day long.

Come on! The bus is a trick!

They want to take naked pictures of our breasts, and they're not even giving out t-shirts.

No... that is true, but not the first part what you said.

This guy is here to photograph our charity work, okay?

Morgan: Let's pose. Thank you, sir.

Very kind.

No, my editor said there was a riot to shut down a pervert bus.

No! Don't say that! Pervert!

[Crowd yelling]

Ow!

I got hit in the head by a churro.

Betsy, Tamra, guys, what is all my stuff doing out here?

My Anderson Cooper pillow?

It is k*lling me to throw out your stuff, Dr. Lahiri.

I know that even touching your stuff is a pinchable offense.

Damn right it is. Ow! Oh.

The doctors called and said you're a dirty cheat, so you can't work here anymore.

This is outrageous.

And as a woman of color...

Uh-uh. Damn it.

Sheila! Sheila.

All right. I'm back.

I let you sweat it out a little bit, and you totally bought it, but now I'm here to make my counteroffer.

Mindy...

This is what's gonna happen.

I will keep all of my patients with insurance.

I will, however, take a modest pay decrease.

Mindy, I'm sorry. We've moved on.

What?

We're ready for your interview, miss sundaram.

Wait. Who are they?

When you turned us down, we had to get on with hiring someone else.

And they just had to be an indian woman?

Okay, I can see what's going on here.

I'm not dumb.

I'm ignorant, sure. Very.

But I'm not dumb, Sheila.

Potato, po-tah-to.

We're putting up a new billboard, and we want it to be as diverse as possible.

This is why you tracked me down in the locker room.

Your millionaires needed a slumdog.

And yes, that is exactly the kind of "Dorothy Parker meets family guy" sense of humor that I will be taking with me, for I will be no one's token.

Clearly you are the token woman at your practice.

How dare you?

I will have you know that when Dr. Shulman hired me, he believed me to be an effeminate black man, so the joke is on you. [Cell phone chimes]

Ah, my friends need my help. Mm-hmm.

[Cell phone chimes]

Damn it.

Well...

[Crowd yelling] Calm down.

We just want to examine your breasts.

You stay the hell away from me.

What is happening here? Danny.

Danny, did you go on your rant about the latin grammys again?

They have their own categories at the regular grammys.

Come on, man!

What about the pomp and majesty of all the latin dresses?

Hey, that's Bruno Mars' night.

That's Bruno Mars' night.

Boo! We don't care what you have to say, traitor!

[Quietly] Thank you so much for coming. We are in big trouble.

I can not get caned by another abuelita.

What are you... Dude...

[Cane thunks] [Yells]

You are going to jail!

You are going to jail!

Okay, that's enough. That's enough.

Please, everybody, ladies, just listen to me.

I am so sorry.

And I know that these guys seem like a bunch of pedos.

What?

Oh, God, you can't listen to me because none of you speak english.

Okay. Hola, senoritas.

Donde esta biblioteca?

Jeremy: Senoras, por favor.

[Speaking spanish]

Yeah, si, si.

But I promise you as their friend, they are harmless.

If anything, they're just lame-o melvins.

[Speaking spanish]

And they just came here today to provide you with free medical care.

[Speaking spanish]

And for the record, a lot of doctors would not go out of their way to do that.

[Speaking spanish]

So please, go on your merry way...

[Speaking spanish]

And I promise you, I'll take care of these little estupidos.

[Speaking spanish] Stupid people.

Point is, they're not pedos.

No son pedos.

And that should never have come up.

Yeah.

[Applause]

That was amazing.

That was amazing, and I'm so sorry we took you for granted.

You know, you're like...

You're like that old, comfy chair, which you kind of hate and it kind of smells, but sometimes you're like, "where's lumpy?"

That's very insulting, actually.

Come here, you little butthead.

Ow! Stop! Noogie!

Stop noogying me!

Can I be honest, though?

I do kind of wish we had at least one new patient or one photo, which wasn't career-ending.

Today was a washout. I say we cut our losses.

Oh! Oh! Just give me...

Give me a second. Give me a second.

Give me a second. Excuse me, miss?

Hey, that's such a cool bracelet.

Thanks, I actually made it myself.

That's awesome.

Hey, we're providing free medical checkups if you want to partake.

Okay. Yeah?

That's wonderful. Okay.

Can you just quickly take a photo with us?

Yes, yes. Get in, get in. Everybody, get in.

It won't appear in anything weird, we promise.

Keep looking at this one.

Right here, here we go. Here we go.

One, two, three. [Camera shutter clicks]

Thank you. Awesome, thank you.

Oh, hey, thank you.

Please print that one and none of the other ones.

We'll go in... We'll go inside.

This is my colleague...

[Grumbles]

Okay.

Come on, man.

What's your problem?

What would be so bad about me dating your sister?

Look at what happened with Mindy.

Sally's just your rebound.

And if my sister were to ever end up dating you, you'd just lead her on, and then you'd break her heart.

[Cell phone vibrates]

Okay.

What text did you just get?

[Sighs]

Your sister's got real problems.

Oh, my God.

Ugh.

Mindy: Yes, Tasha, we do take George Lopez's health insurance.

[Sighs]

I don't know how we make any money at all.

See you soon.

Yeah, see you soon.

I'm glad you're not leaving.

The patients would really miss you.

And who would remind me to get a haircut?

[Chuckles] Thanks, Danny.

Hey, uh, I hope it wasn't weird for you before with Sally.

Oh, um...

No, it's okay.

You do need a haircut, though.

Morgan: Go.

Jeremy: Time to go.

Thanks to Mindy, we have one new patient.

Let's not lose her.

You're welcome, everybody.

I am driving.

No, of course not.

Why? Because I'm the token woman?

No, because you're a terrible driver.

Oh, because I'm the token Asian?

Okay, drive.

I had a little more fight in me, but thank you for acquiescing.

No problem.

All right, let's do this.

Whoo!

No seat belts required, boys.

It's gonna be a sweet and gentle ride.

Oh, God, everything is a blind spot.

Everybody, put your seat belts on!

[Tires screech]

[Shouting]

Aah! Mindy!

It's all right. No one d*ed.

I think.