03x02 - Annette Castellano Is My Nemesis

[bunniefuu]

Mindy: Oh, Danny, I just remembered the dream I had last night.

Please don't tell me.

No, you're gonna like this one.

So I was in the jungle, and this guy wanted me so badly.

He was, like, Tarzan.

Why would I like this dream?

You know, now that I'm thinking about it, I think you might not like it. All right.

It's me!

Ma?

Don't get up. It's only your mother.

What are you doing here?

Well, I was in the city, and I thought I'd drop off some old magazines.

Okay, ma, I told you a hundred times, I don't want your old TV guides.

Oh, are you the King of Siam?

You're too good for an inside look at the fall lineup?

Hello, Mrs. Castellano.

Such an honor to meet you. I'm Mindy.

All right, well, this has been a lot of fun, ma, but...

Oh, of course. It's very nice to meet you.

Would you remind me, how long have you been with Danny?

Couple of months, actually.

Oh, well, I'm glad he has you, because his last girl, she wasn't very good.

Oh, I know.

No, she was lazy and always listening to that Cucaracha music.

Ugh.

Yeah. Which girlfriend was that?

Would you consider coming out to Staten lsland?

Oh, no, no, no, no. She's a busy girl, ma.

This Mindy is...

What? No! I would love to.

Oh, could you do wednesdays?

Every wednesday?

Sure! What's your rate, hon?

My rate. That's a great question.

I think I'm an eight.

You know, a ten in Chicago, but a four in Los Angeles.

Okay, that's great.

Uh, ma, enough with the jibber-jab.

I gotta get to work. Good to see you.

All right, all right!

This one has been in a hurry since the day he was born.

Don't I know it. Yeah.

He came out two months early, and he was only three inches tall.

Yeah, okay, good-bye, ma.

Good to see you. Okay, bye, Danny.

Good to meet you, Mrs. Castellano.

Bye-bye.

Your mother loves me.

She thinks you're my cleaning lady.

[Quirky upbeat music]

♪ ♪

Why didn't you tell your mother that I wasn't the cleaning lady?

Do I look Dominican to you? Do not answer that.

I didn't wanna get into a whole thing.

I mean, I never mentioned you before.

[Gasps] Don't gasp.

You've never mentioned me to your mother?

Danny, I have told everyone about us.

I even showed my waxer that beautiful poem you wrote.

Brown orchid? That was for your eyes only.

It was beautiful and it was erotic.

Okay, look, I wanted to. I wanted to tell her.

I wanted to say, "ma, this is Mindy," but she's... She's very difficult.

Are you insane? I'm difficult.

I make you get me a present every day, otherwise I freak out.

Yeah, no, I know.

What was your plan?

You're just gonna keep us apart forever?

What were you gonna do on our wedding day?

You'd be fine.

You'd be all covered up in your religious garb.

She wouldn't even see you.

What religion do you think I am?

Orthodox something, I don't know.

You are unbelievable, Danny.

Okay, look, I guess I was hoping that things just resolved themselves before I had to introduce you.

What does that mean?

Well, you know, that, you know, natural forces would just...

Just make things resolved.

Were you trying to run out the clock until your mother d*ed?

Look, my mother wasn't like other mothers.

She's tough. She had to be.

She raised two boys all by herself.

She cleaned hotel rooms just to make ends meet.

What is "ends meet" anyway?

People are always talking about it.

Is that, like, the last, fatty part of the rump roast?

It sounds delicious. I'd love to try it.

Okay, look, the point is I don't think you guys would get along.

She's hated all my ex-girlfriends.

Yeah, but, Danny, I'm not like your ex-girlfriends, okay?

Moms love me. You know why?

Because I have a foolproof, four-point mom-catching plan that works on even the prickliest of moms.

Step one...

Okay. Okay, fine, you can meet her.

I just... I can't listen to one of your cuckoo plans before 10:00 A.M.

Oh!

[Whistling]

Morning.

Hey... what are... Why is the door open?

Okay, relax, I'm just peeing.

Why are you sitting down?

Oh, Tamra makes me sit down when I pee now, because when I stand I splash everywhere.

Oh, for God sakes, man. No, she's right.

I mean, when I'm done it looks like singin' in the rain in there.

Ladies, huh?

That's what they do to you.

They ruin your life. They make you wash your sheets.

They kiss Jeremies.

Okay, are you talking about Dr. Reed kissing your girlfriend or is this directly applicable to this situation?

Oh, the latter, dude.

What ladder?

Look, Tamra has you whipped like a frat pledge, which, you know, they say is cool, and you think those guys are your friends, and then... You know what?

I'm not gonna sit down to pee. Don't.

I'm gonna stand up when I have to pee, 'cause I'm a man. Yeah.

I'm never sitting on a toilet ever again.

You shouldn't have to.

Starting now. My legs are asleep.

All right, okay.

Help, sir. Yep. No, no, no.

Danny, I am so happy I finally get to see your office.

It's nice, Daniel.

Welcome to Shulman and associates.

I'm sure your son's told you all about me.

Shulman. Very New York-y.

And, ma, this is Mindy.

That's the woman who... I'm... I'm...

Uh...

You know.

You see, these days...

Mindy's my girlfriend.

Yes. Yeah. Yeah.

Mindy. That's Mindy.

I'm so sorry about yesterday's misunderstanding.

No, it happens all the time.

One Thanksgiving, a little boy thought I was the Dora the explorer balloon.

Well, this is great, right? This is fun.

Everyone met each other. That's... that's nice.

Okay, time to go. Let's just... All right.

Well, what are you planning on doing in the city?

I know this great frozen yogurt place nearby.

I myself can't go.

I've been banned for sample fraud.

Well, we're going shopping.

Richie is buying me a new outfit for my birthday tomorrow.

Yeah, he always takes time off for his ma.

To be honest, it's not taking time off if you don't have a job.

He's got a job. He plays tennis, and he makes that web series about how to be gay on a budget.

Yeah, yeah, no, no. I'm sorry.

No, it's a great series. I loved it.

I mean, I loved the first one.

That was, like, eight months ago, but it was great.

Hey, look. Here you go, okay?

Take this for ma's outfit.

And get a haircut.

You look like Mowgli from The Jungle Book.

What's The Jungle Book?

So do you have big plans for your mother's birthday?

Oh, yeah, we're all going to brunch tomorrow.

Oh.

It's not a big thing.

Yeah, it's a big thing.

My boys will be there, and my best friend, dot.

We're going to this place where Kelly Ripa always goes.

I miss Regis.

I do not like the new guy.

You should come, Mindy.

Oh, I would love to come. Thank you.

But the reservation's at 1:00.

1:00 P.M.

At the same time that my c-section is scheduled, which I told you about.

I forgot that you told me that, but there'll be other opportunities to get to know each other. We'll figure something out.

I know we'll figure something out someday.

Anyway, this was fun. Where are we going?

Let's, uh... let's just go for a walk.

[Whispering] I'm sorry.

Hmm.

Danny: Happy birthday, ma.

Bon apetit.

Oh, Madonna Mia, I forgot my cheaters.

Danny, could you read me the whole menu?

I forgot my hearing aid, so make it loud.

Okay.

Appetizers.

Deviled eggs.

Ten dollars.

Macaroni and cheese balls...

Hello! Guess who's making a brunch cameo.

I got Peter to cover my c-section so I could join you. Happy birthday.

Oh, how nice.

How nice.

What are you doing here?

Danny, your mom invited me. I thought she wanted me to come.

No, no! She was just saying that.

I told you, she hates all my girlfriends; She hates 'em.

Okay, even if your mom isn't crazy about me, she will be by the time this brunch is over.

Danny, my mom-catching plan always works.

Listen, it's not gonna work with ma, okay?

She's tricky.

You go in there, you're being nice to her, you say one wrong thing, and blamo... blamo!

You're dead to her. Danny!

Whoa, what are you doing?

Why are you ripping off my dress?

I thought it was a little trench.

This is obviously a dress.

Okay, I'm nervous.

Okay, don't be. I got this.

Mindy: Step one, compliment her.

Mrs. Castellano, I love your new blazer.

Thank you. It's from the Janet Reno collection.

Mindy: Step two, find common ground.

All you need is one TV show that you both watch.

Real housewives? No.

Basketball wives? No.

Army wives. No.

Sister wives. Nope.

Wife swap?

I only watch castle.

Excuse me.

Oh, he writes m*rder mysteries and he solves them?

That is a great idea for a show.

You know, Mrs. Castellano, I love how Beckett is always giving castle a hard time.

Me too!

Call me Annette.

Okay.

Mindy: Step three, come bearing gifts.

And don't forget about mom's friend.

Huh?

Eeh!

Mindy: Step four...

And this is the most important step of all...

Agree with everything she says.

Everything.

This restaurant is freezing.

I know. Antarctica much?

I wouldn't mind them if they didn't have so many parades.

I know, I hate that ethnic group too.

Enough with this Michael Fassbender and his penis.

I know, put some clothes on, you ugly perv.

I think our waiter has an attitude.

Ugh, yeah, he's worse than the guy that replaced Regis.

[Laughs]

I like this one, Danny.

Morgan: Dr. Prentice, your Tamra advice worked.

She totally gets it.

And I'm now allowed to pee standing up again.

There it is. Congratulations, huh?

Thank you. Happy bro mitzvah.

Mazel brov.

Thanks.

Hey, so do you wanna adopt all my dogs?

'Cause Tamra just found out she's allergic to them, so I have to get rid of all of them.

Hold on.

Dude, you can't get rid of these dogs.

They're your whole identity.

Look, it's not Tamra's fault she's allergic to dogs.

Chief, she's allergic to dogs the way I'm allergic to latex.

She's lying to get what she wants.

You know, adult-onset allergy is a real thing.

She also recently found out she's allergic to all metal that's not gold. Mm-hmm.

And she's allergic to all seafood that's not very expensive lobster.

She's a woman.

All women have thicker folds in their brains, making them more manipulative by nature.

I don't know what medical journal you're reading that from.

Is your dog's fur silky?

Could it be mistaken for long-haired mink?

Yeah, it could. You could brush it out.

Oh, you know what?

No, I don't think any of them could.

Thanks though. Actually, a couple of them could.

The guy on the left. Eh...

I-I gotta be honest with you, it could very easily though.

She's gonna k*ll those dogs and make 'em into a jacket.

Beverly!

[Cheers and applause] You got 'em all.

Annette, I don't know what you could have wished for.

You already have the greatest sons in the whole world.

That's very sweet, dear.

But I wished that the mean waitress at our favorite diner would die.

Well, I can't k*ll Helen for you, ma, but I did get you a little something for your birthday.

Oh, thank you. Happy birthday.

It's a new stove.

Brushed chrome, digital read-out, state-of-the-art.

I had it installed today, ma.

No.

No, Danny, this is too much.

You gotta return this.

I'd feel guilty cooking on this.

What, with Jesus looking down at me from the crucifix above the microwave.

I couldn't.

Your old stove was leaking gas, ma.

The bird d*ed.

The gas helped me sleep.

But the guy installed it today.

The guy? Who's this guy?

Just a... Now he knows the layout of your house.

That is how elder r*pe occurs.

All right, thank you, Danny.

This is a very nice gift.

You're welcome, ma.

Hey, ma, I got you something too.

Oh.

[Gasps]

Oh! Oh, richie!

I love bears!

You got this yourself?

At the airport.

I got you a snow globe too, but I kept it.

You okay with the bear?

This is perfect!

And from Hudson news.

La-di-da.

And at least the bear doesn't know the layout of your house.

It doesn't matter if someone knows the layout of your...

House. Yeah, sorry.

Dot, you're absolutely right.

I think it'd be unsafe to know the layout of someone's house.

I'm so sorry, ma.

Look, Danny, I love your gift too.

It was very thoughtful.

It was just too much. Sure, sure.

Way too much.

Like, it made everything awkward.

Mindy: Step four, agree with everything she says.

Everything.

I don't think it was too much.

No, I-I actually thought it was an amazing gift.

And if Danny was my son, I would be so proud.

He planned this incredible brunch, and he does so many other things for you.

And he's always talking about you.

What do you mean, "so many other things"?

Oh, boy. Nothing.

So Danny told you he pays all my bills?

No. No, no.

Did he tell you about my QVC dolls?

The thousands I spend on my phone game, coffee crunch?

Well, I am sorry!

I told you I had to keep buying coffee hammers so I could b*at level 44, I told you that!

It's an impossible level.

Of course it is. Ma...

Ma, please, calm down.

Mindy didn't mean anything by it. Nothing.

I'm sorry we're such a burden to you, Danny, and that you felt it necessary to broadcast our private family business to her.

I do not like you.

Ma, that's not...

Ma!

I think... I think it was...

I think it was, like, an a-minus.

Oh, ma. Okay, that's a bit much.

Can you just please call your mother.

Okay, she's probably over it by now.

No, Italian people don't get over things.

They let their anger fester and ferment, growing stronger over time.

That's why our wine's so good.

Well, I'm sorry, Danny.

I should have never forced you to introduce me to your mother.

God, so this is what it feels like to be wrong.

I don't like it.

It was a valiant effort, but ma and girlfriends, they don't mix.

Yeah, but I didn't wanna be just another one of your girlfriends, Danny.

I wanted to be different.

You are different.

You're very different.

My old girlfriends, they loved to work out.

And they never stole change from my coin jar.

Eh, you know what?

I think the whole thing will blow over in about...

Five or ten years.

[Sighs]

[Phone line rings]

Annette can't come to the phone because I've gone back to work cleaning hotel rooms so as not to burden my son.

[Beep]

Beverly, I'm going to Staten lsland.

Cancel my 1:00.

Scheduling's not my job.

I'm in charge of pencils.

This cake is terrible.

It's a dog treat.

I know!

Just I'm not sure she's ready to be a dog owner.

I mean, what would you do to make sure that she got the proper exercise?

Take it on little walks.

Oh, damn it, she's right.

Sophie's been wanting a dog for a long time.

Ever since her mother left, actually.

Well, then you, more than anyone, understand the importance of keeping a family together.

And I can assume that you'll take all 40 dogs.

Uh, no.

Okay. Hey, baby!

Hey, baby.

You can do this.

Excuse me for a minute.

I don't love you anymore.

In fact, I hate you.

Your name is not Nicole.

Your name is anonymous.

Good-bye forever.

Ah-ah-ah!

Get this mangy mutt...

Hold on.

Do you remember when we watched America's got talent?

I can't, I can't. I'm sorry.

Do you remember when we saw Tron 2?

Wait, uh, Dr... Dr. P, hold on.

Make sure she doesn't take any dogs.

Dr. P!

Tamra!

You have broken a good, if not weird, man's spirit!

I have had enough of this B.S. dog allergy.

[Sneezes]

[Wheezing]

Can't breathe.

Why are you trying to k*ll me, Dr. P?

Oh, no, I was... I thought you were faking.

Help me. Help me! Okay.

Okay, okay, okay, not the croissants.

First things first, you need to relax!

Okay, I'm gonna cut a hole in your throat!

Tamra! No, she was like this when I found her.

You know, she's got... Epipen!

[Breathing normalizes]

Mrs. Castellano, I know you're angry with me, but you cannot take this out on...

Danny.

Mrs. Castellano?

Mrs...

Oh, my God.

I'm fine!

Fine!

Just trying to lift a comforter, and I popped my hip. Oh! Ow!

Okay, I'm gonna...

No, no, don't worry. It always finds its way back in.

Just leave me be.

Okay, just let me help you.

No! No! I don't want your help.

Just get away from me.

All right, I will get away from you. Oh, good.

I know when I am not wanted, and I'm respectful of you, and a good person.

Okay? See?

I'm gonna pop your hip back in!

No! Oh! Your hand is on my pubis!

Just lie there! It'll be over soon!

Elder r*pe!

Hey, Bev, you seen Mindy?

She said she was going to Staten lsland.

Mindy: Why did you go back to cleaning hotels?

You're not even good at it.

Look, I found this pizza slice on the floor.

I didn't want Daniel to resent me. Yeah, right.

You wanted Daniel to feel guilty.

But guess what, he feels guilty enough as it is.

Every time we take a shower together, he makes a donation to the Vatican.

Ugh!

Hey, you are not doing this anymore.

You're gonna go back to letting Danny take care of you.

Fine, jeez.

I still have to finish today's shift.

[Groans]

Okay, bozo, just sit down.

I will do it.

Great. Fresh linens are on the cart.

Watch out, the bed's pube city.

God.

You know, your son is a really great guy.

Every night when I fall asleep on the sofa, he carries me to bed.

Well, he tries to, and then he just drags me by the leg.

You think I don't know my son is great?

Of course I do. He's my son.

Then why are you so hard on him all the time?

You know, my parents send me an email every day, and the subject heading is, "Mindy's compliment corner."

Well, now that's a different kind of problem.

Look, I treat Daniel the way I do because he can handle it.

He's tough.

He doesn't need someone to take care of him.

Well, I think everyone needs to get taken care of sometime, even Danny.

Maybe that's why he likes you so much.

He finally found a strong immigrant woman tough enough to take care of him.

I don't know if I would describe myself that way.

No, all of Danny's old girlfriends, they were little wisps of women.

Fragile, always agreeing with everything I said.

Thin, lithe bodies with these giant...

That is enough.

Everyone knows I got the biggest cans in town.

Hey, look, if you're a good little worker, we can split the tip.

I'm keeping the entire tip.

Just because you have your own backwards-ass issues with women does not give you the right to burn down our paradise.

I'm sorry.

You put this innocent man through hell, Dr. P.

This whole week's been a real mind-screw. Yeah.

Listen, I shouldn't have doubted you, Tamra.

I'm sorry.

I just haven't been feeling very trusting lately, especially towards women.

Oh, yeah, you shouldn't trust us.

We're manipulative by nature, because our brains have thicker folds.

I know.

Hey, look at me right now.

I love you.

I know you do.

You saved my life.

I know.

You don't have to get rid of your dogs.

Are you serious?

Yeah, I'll just...

I'll take allergy medicine and never come to your house again.

I hate it there.

His grandma's kisses are hella wet.

That is true.

Hey, everyone, how's it going?

The dog fair has been cancelled!

Hit the road, scum!

Keep walking, brother.

Keep walking, brother.

Get her out. Get her out.

These are my dogs. Oh, I love you.

I was kidding. It was a joke.

I would never leave you.

Get outta here.

Scram. Get.

Dr. P., I think you should take Nicole.

Oh, no, I can't have a dog.

I get crazy jealous when I see them lick their own junk.

Look, I think it'd be good for you to have a strong female influence in your life.

And maybe you should forgive your girlfriend.

She is pretty cute. Yeah.

She has hemorrhoids real bad.

That's... No.

Gotta apply this salve to her "B" every six hours.

It's really expensive.

Thank you.

I was never gonna leave you.

And I missed you guys so much.

Mindy: Hey, Danny, are you making sausage and meatballs?

It's okay if you're not.

I just wanna mentally prepare for disappointment.

I'm making both.

Oh, thank God.

I gotta tell you, Danny, this new stove, I like how quiet the fan is.

Thanks, ma.

Hey, psst.

Yeah?

That was a real nice moment.

Just keep cutting and be quiet.

I'll keep cutting, but I will not be quiet.

Huh, Danny Castellano's childhood bedroom.

But where are all the posters of the hot chicks?

There's just these weird ones with men with moustaches.

Danny, what's a Thurman Munson?

The heart and soul of the Bronx bombers is what.

[Record crackling]

[Strange magic by elo]

♪ Strange magic ♪
♪ Oh, what a strange magic ♪

Well, that's the opposite of helpful.

Yeah? I'll show you helpful.

Get over there.

Listen, thanks for taking care of ma.

Sorry she bit you.

Yeah, well, I'm sorry I bit her.

She's kinda crazy, but I'm glad I could help.

And you're such a good son.

Oh, yeah?

Yeah.

♪ ♪

Mm.

♪ ♪

I brought you so... Oh, ma!

[Annette gasps]

Are you arousing my son in my own house?

A boy's bedroom should never have an erection in it.

We weren't doing anything.

Like fun.

I bought Danny those pants, and he's tearing right through 'em.

Okay, can we not do this in front of Bernard King?

Who is Bernard King?

Who's Bernard King?

Who's Bernard King?

He scored 30 points a game for the Knicks in 1984.

I was barely alive then.

You people are so old. Okay.

Annette: Where did she come from?