03x10 - What About Peter

[bunniefuu]

Mindy: Dating a manly guy like Danny Castellano has its advantages.

He can cook a perfect steak in ten minutes.

The secret to a great steak is, you got to massage the meat for an hour.

Vito... my butcher Vito, not my barber Vito...

He said, "Danny, you got to make sure it's a very sensual massage."

Dear God.

You want another?

Oh, that's hot.

Mmm.

Mindy: And he's so handy, he can build anything.

Done.

Why do you need another row of dresses in there?

Oh, this one is for my aspirational sizes.

Mindy, this is a doll's dress.

Oh, yeah? Yeah.

You know what else you can drill?

What?

[Drill whirs]

Oh! Oh, God!

Mindy: But as great as a manly guy is, sometimes you need a pinch hitter...

A pal you take to the Rihanna book signing when your boyfriend calls it "the reason China is winning."

You mind waiting outside while I change?

What? No. I'm coming in.

I've never been here, and I want to Judge your taste.

No, I don't want you to see my apartment.

Get out of the way.

Take it easy! I...

I'm coming in! [Glass shatters]

Oh! [Rock music playing]

You're up, black man!

5,000 bucks I hit this.

[Glass shatters, all cheering]

Oh, my God. So this is how I die.

Relax. These are my roommates.

Boys, this is Mindy.

Mindy, this is pube, pubeless...

And Bush.

Bush is a Kennedy.

All right, I'm gonna change.

What? You're leaving me here?

No, Peter! Peter!

Guys, be nice to her.

She gets freaked out easily.

So... You're a girl.

That's tight.

I am.

I am a litigious, g*n-owning woman.

[Laughs]

[Dog barking] [Gasps]

What'd you do to Nicole?

Oh, we spray-painted her for Dartmouth homecoming, but at this point, we're just leaving it for St. Patrick's day.

We were so drunk that day.

[Laughter]

Yeah.

Bush even made out with his sister.

Half sister, dude. Mm-hmm.

It's complicated.

Oh! [Chuckles]

[Gasps]

How'd you do that?

Dude, come on. Throw that one back.

It's too small.

It's enormous, but it's mine, you perv.

Peter, why do you live here?

'Cause a room opened up when scrote's dad d*ed, and he became King of Kuwait.

Oh!

[Gasps]

[Hip-hop music]

Danny: Hey, min, what do you think about this listing for my extra apartment?

"Immaculate pet-hater's dream.

"A perfect place to take your shoes off and not smoke."

Hmm.

Where are you going?

I am going to go do rounds with my interns, and then afterwards, I'm getting brunch with Peter.

You know what, though?

You should come to brunch with us.

You'll have so much fun, and you never hang out with friends.

I don't need friends, okay?

I have a girlfriend.

That's the whole point of a relationship...

So I always have my little buddy to watch the weather channel with me.

And I love tracking pollen counts with you...

Yeah, last week, Vermont...

More like sneezington, right?

Should we turn it on?

No, no, no, please don't.

So want to come to brunch?

Oh, I can't anyway.

My contractor, Ray, is coming over to the second apartment.

He's gonna put the cornucopia tile on the oven backsplash.

What? Shut up!

Today is backsplash day?

Yeah, and the open house.

Yeah, I got to go to work.

Okay.

Bye. Bye.

Lauren: Thank you so much for watching Henry.

I have to go find my sister because she's following that stupid band again.

Are you sure this is okay?

Lauren, relax.

Henry and I will be totally fine.

You just focus on snapping your sister out of Kenny Chesney's evil spell.

It's so embarrassing for our family.

Thank you.

Oh, I really appreciate it.

I love you.

I love you too.

If you need help, call me.

I won't, but I will call you.

Okay. Okay.

Uh, hey, couldn't help but overhear you're gonna have a kid this weekend?

Yes, Henry and I are gonna be having a macho little stag party.

You know, I think Lauren's gonna be rather impressed by what a Mrs. mom I can be.

If you need help, I actually have been trying to dip my toe into the babysitting pool.

Okay, I deliver babies for a living.

Or would you ask your postman if he needed help babysitting a letter?

[Laughs]

Yeah, I'm gonna talk to my postman in front of my dogs.

[Laughs]

No way.

Ray, great job with the backsplash.

I could taste the bounty from here.

Ray: Yeah.

Hey, let me ask you something.

How much work would it be to combine my two apartments?

You'd just have to knock down this wall.

What are you thinking?

I don't know.

A little more space down the road, for family.

Well, be a couple of thousand if you do it the legal way.

A couple thousand...

A couple of hundred if it's just me, a sledgehammer, and a picture of my ex-wife.

Now, if you want me to make your closet a walk-in, all I need is a circular saw, a picture of Rachel...

Okay, I'm gonna stop you right there.

Ray, you got to get over it.

Mindy: Now listen up.

I want you to forget everything that you've ever learned about medicine, save this: No matter how good of a doctor you are, a good bedside manner will take you far.

Write that down.

Yeah, but do we have time to perform three Wayne's world sketches for every patient?

Sorry I care, gigak.

Now go. Party on.

That's a line from Wayne's world.

Okay, get out of here.

Hey, Peter! Schwing.

Can we get out of here?

I had a really rough night last night.

I passed out, and my roommates tried to give me a weave.

God, okay, Peter, no offense, but your roommates are garbage from hell.

Yeah, I know.

It's getting really bad lately.

I'm trying to date a more, like, classier type of lady.

Last week, I brought home a lawyer.

She got lyme disease.

Oh, God.

Well, why don't you just find your own place?

I wish I could. No one would rent to me.

Oh, my God, Peter, I know where you can live.

Ah! Ah! Hot! Hot! Hot! Hot! Hot!

Mmm. Worth it.

What are you doing?

Those are for the open house.

Danny, I actually canceled the open house, because, good news, I found you the perfect tenant.

It's perfect. I'll take it.

Danny: I can't have Peter living here.

What if he steals my Wi-Fi?

As Borat: My Wi-Fi!

See, Danny, that was hilarious.

Big whoop. Everybody does Borat.

Nice. I like.

Was that a...

Borat.

Oh! That was good too!

Thanks.

Look, Peter is our friend, and we need to help him.

His roommates are bringing him down.

This sink is amazing.

It looks like no one's puked in it yet.

And I intend to keep it that way.

He intends to keep it that way!

I don't know.

Look, I happen to know he'll pay practically anything for this apartment.

Danny, I will pay double.

I will pay triple!

I will pay double.

Look, I just... I really need some help finding a new, grown-up living situation.

Right now, I'm a grown-up who's living like the situation.

The situation is a character on a reality show that is...

Fine. Fine.

[Whispering] Yes.

But there are rules.

No halogens. No hot plates.

Use poster putty. No posters.

And you can't just waltz over to my place unannounced.

You got it? Deal.

Nicole, we have a home!

Who's Nicole?

[Dog barks my mini pomeranian.

Hey, babe.

Wow. Smells great.

Did you light one of your pot-roastecandles?

Peter: Oh, nope!

This is the real thing.

I never knew I could cook one of these without using actual pot.

Pete, what did I tell you about stopping over uninvited?

No, it's okay. I invited him.

He just wanted to say thank you for renting out your apartment to him.

Peter: Dude, I already feel like more of an adult.

Today I went out and bought curtains, and I closed them before I...

Relaxed.

See? He said "relaxed" instead of "masturbate."

Danny: Wow. That was fantastic.

Pete, in my house, the chef doesn't clean up, okay?

Mindy, hop to.

What? Ow!

Guys, I'm actually done.

I'm gonna hit the hay.

I wish it was hay; I'm actually just gonna sleep on a bunch of crumpled newspapers.

When I told my roommates I was moving out, they stabbed my waterbed.

Thanks, guys.

Sounds good, Pete. Good night.

What? No. It does not sound good.

Wait, Pete, stop.

You're not gonna spend the night on some floor of an apartment on newspaper.

You know what?

You can spend the night here.

What? Here? He's gonna spend the night here?

Yes.

Okay, yeah, Pete.

You can spend the night on the couch.

Okay, cool!

[Chuckles]

[Grunts]

Peter: Hey, which channel is spike?

Mindy: Hey, big boy, those reading glasses are making me horny.

What? Oh, no.

We shouldn't do that 'cause Pete's right out there.

I... I really don't want him to know my noises.

Peter: I don't mind if you guys need to get freaky!

In fact, I insist!

He insists. Come on.

Nobody's doing anything, Pete.

Everybody's going to bed.

Good night!

Okay, well, I'm all wound up.

Not sleepy at all.

I'm gonna go watch TV with Peter.

Peter, stay up! We're watching TV!

Peter: Aw, yeah, get that butt out here and watch TV with me, girl.

[TV clicks on]

Woman on TV: I'm not gonna let chantel ruin my vacation.

Peter: Oh, this is that reality show about the black beauty shop that's on a boat.

Can you turn it down, please?

Man on TV: Or I'm gonna pull that weave out!

Mindy?

Jeremy: Okay, why don't I sing you a British lullaby, hmm?

♪ Go to sleep, little babe ♪
♪ Or the bog-man will slice your tongue out ♪

Please.

[Henry crying]

I'm so tired!

Hey!

Oh, my God! Stay back!

Whoa!

What are you doing here, Morgan?

Okay, I knew you would need my help, whether or not you admitted it, all right?

And rule number one with a baby: Don't use it as a human shield.

Oh, my God.

Truth be told, Morgan, I'm doing a bit of a botch job.

Oh, God, he's crying more than mother when we sold wormwood manor to the saudis.

I don't know what that means.

Do you know what? I give up. I give up.

Please, just... Just... just hold him.

Just hold him. It's okay.

Okay, come here. It's okay.

Come here. Yeah.

[Crying stops]

Did he just stop crying?

He hates me. No.

Yeah, like everybody hates me.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no.

He's just remembering how great it was when you were holding him, and that's why he stopped crying.

You think so?

Yes, I do. Here. Try it again.

Come here. Come here. Oh, here you go.

[Henry crying]

You're a liar! You're both liars!

Danny: Hey, babe, I'm home.

[Seals and crofts' summer breeze playing]

Seals and crofts...

Daddy likey.

Seals and crofts: ♪ summer breeze ♪
♪ Makes me feel fine ♪

Mindy: Sorry we couldn't get frisky last night.

Love, Mindy.

P.S. enjoy the cannolis.

They, um, forgot to put filling in them.

♪ ♪
♪ Summer breeze makes me feel fine ♪
♪ Blowing through the Jasmine in my mind ♪

I'll show you frisky.

[Shower running]

♪ Summer breeze makes me feel fine ♪

Give me some of that brown butter.

♪ Blowing through the Jasmine in my mind ♪

[Peter and Danny shouting]

What are you doing?

[Both shouting]

Oh!

Oh, now I can never use that shower again.

What the hell, dude? You grabbed my butt!

I was confused.

You have a very womanly silhouette!

Yeah, I know.

I have a beer butt and weed boobs.

Thanks for reminding me.

Mindy: [Muffled shouting]

Your apnea mask is on.

[Garbled] What the hell...

[Muffled shouting]

Mouth guard!

What the hell is happening out here?

Mindy, your boyfriend groped me.

You are a beard.

Oh, no. It's happening again.

Why did you let Peter use our shower?

She didn't.

I had to use your shower because my dog, Nicole, is sleeping on the t-shirt I use as a towel.

See? Reasons, Danny!

No.

I told you about stopping over uninvited.

Okay, we don't need a Kramer, and if we needed one, Morgan's more that energy.

I'm sorry, Pete.

Rules are rules. You're out.

Okay, okay, wait. Let me handle this.

Sweetheart, I am so sorry that happened.

I can't imagine you walking in there thinking it was my beautiful body and then happening upon him.

But, Danny, you can't kick him out of the apartment.

We're just beginning to wean him back into society, okay?

[Snorts] You said ween.

God. He's a monster.

[Sighs] All right, fine.

You can stay, but from now on, you're banned from this apartment, okay?

You don't bother us, and we don't bother you.

Got it?

Very well.

All right. What the hell.

Jeremy: Well, it's been the worst night of my life.

[Sighs] I'm leaving.

Thank you, Morgan. I won't pay you.

But you can have all the soda you can drink.

Okay, it would be.

I just want to say that.

If you need me, I'm gonna catch a matinee of Wagner...

Depressing, anti-semitic, sure, but more fun than here.

All right, can I say something real quick?

What? You should stay.

I mean, first of all, I can teach you how to put this littlpork chop to bed.

And also, you told Lauren that you would do this.

Yeah, it's a nice ought, Morgan, but I don't think I have a paternal bone in my body.

Sorry.

Henry: Peter.

Did he just say "Peter"?

I think he said "pita," as in the middle eastern bread, and definitely not Peter, Lauren's ex-boyfriend and our coworker.

Morgan, put the coffee on.

You're gonna teach me how to make this stupid baby like me, or my name isn't Jeremy matilda Reed.

[Knocking at door]

Mindy: Who is it?

Oh, I didn't order any food.

Hi. I'm Ray.

Danny wanted me to change the locks.

He said he was the victim of a bathroom invasion.

Hey, while you're here, I'd love it if you could take a look at the shower and see if you can install one of those old lady seats.

I get so tired.

I can take a look.

Oh, I checked with the city, and we can knock down that wall, so you guys can combine Danny's two apartments.

Hmm?

He said something about wanting to make room for family.

Family? Family?

Ray, come here.

My sweet Ray.

I've been waiting for this my whole life.

A man wants me to move in with him.

Tell me your name again.

I'm Mindy, Ray, obviously.

Okay, I got to go. Excuse me!

Hey, neighbor!

Peter, you're evicted.

What?

Danny wants to combine the two apartments so that I can move in with him.

So you got to go.

God, what did I do with the place once it's mine?

I was thinking like a "strawberry shortcake meets S*ddam's palace" vibe.

Okay, I'm being insense.

I'm very sorry.

But I don't want to go.

I'm doing so well ling next to you and Danny.

I know! I think we fixed you.

I think you should move on.

Didn't you tell me that you bought groceries today?

Yeah, and then I left them at a strip club.

Damn it.

I'm a mess.

Look, I'm so sorry, Peter, but I'm, like, 200 years old, okay?

I got to lock this down.

I finally found a boyfriend with a perfectly proportioned penis.

Do you know how rare that is in Manhattan?

I'm gonna hold on to him until a coroner drags me away.

I'm sorry, Peter.

I just need this more than you.

Very well.

I think I see the writing on the wall.

And I'm sorry about that by the way.

I will be out of the apartment by the morning, but until then, it is mine.

Thank you.

And just so you know, you're acting like a crazy spinster, and I didn't expect that from you for another two years, and I don't know what is going on with you and Danny, but this is pathetic.

Be that as it may, this is how it is.

I'm so sorry.

Nicole, please see this jerk to her apartment.

Nicole?

I forgot her at the strip club too.

Jeremy: Morgan, explain to me again why you're shirtless.

'Cause a very wise woman once said to me, "if with a baby you want to win, always go skin to skin."

Do you know who that woman was?

That was doctor...

It was Mindy.

I was gonna say it, but...

She loves to rhyme.

I like it, though. Yeah, me too.

You're up next, okay?

And if he starts suckling, just go with it.

Okay, so, um...

Oy. So I just... uh, I just...

Okay, so take off your blouse.

Well, it's not a blouse.

It's a men's peasant top.

Okay, whatever. Just take it off.

I'm not gonna take it off.

Just take it off. Trust me.

No, no. What are you doing?

Come on. Listen to me.

No, no! Shirt to skin! Shirt to skin!

You're jiggling like a woman!

I'm gonna freak out!

No, no, no! Agh! My elbow!

[Giggles]

He's laughing.

Why is he laughing?

He likes it when you hurt yourself.

Hurt yourself again. Hurt yourself again.

No way. I bruise like a peach.

Dr. Prentice would do it.

Okay, fine.

Do it. Do it.

What are you gonna do? What are you gonna do?

Agh!

[Giggles]

Morgan: He loves it!

Personally, I don't.

I like the dry, you know, like frasier, that type of humor, but...

Mindy: Finally, an intimate evening for three: You, me, and Dr. Dan's winter melon ale.

Bon appetit, baby.

I thought you said it tasted like urine.

No, I would never say that.

It's my favorite drink.

[Coughing]

You okay, babe? Mm-hmm.

I love the way it tastes in my mouth.

Come here.

Yeah.

[Dmx's party up playing loudly]

♪ ♪

What's that noise?

[People shouting and cheering]

Dmx: ♪ whoo! Y'all gon' make me ♪
♪ Lose my mind ♪
♪ Up in here, up in here ♪

What the hell is Peter thinking?

Mindy: Oh, my God.

There's not a single coaster being used.

Mindy: How dare Peter throw a party?

How dare Peter throw a party and not invite us?

I mean, look at all these basics!

Oh, my cornucopia.

My cornucopia!

Hey! Put the pens down!

Peter, you son of a bitch.

Hey, hey! Come here!

Get over here.

Get off me, mom!

What the hell is wrong with you?

My real friends are throwing me a going-away party to protest my eviction.

Pete, what the hell is going on, man?

I checked the microwave. It's cheese city.

You got to put that top on, the protector... What do you call it?

The plastic protector shield! Put it on!

I don't know what you're talking about!

I wouldn't use anything like that even if I wasn't having a party.

What did you say...

Hey, man, you better watch yourself!

There is a big disparity between sizes!

Oh, you're, like, an inch taller!

Inch and a half! With hair!

Yeah! And some forehead!

Okay, this is stupid.

It's like an ant fighting with thumbelina.

Peter, you're gonna ruin this place before I even get a chance to move in!

Yeah! What do you mean, "move in"?

Oh, you don't know what this one's thinking.

Oh, there's a conversation to be had here.

Now, if you will excuse me, I need to go get greased up by my real friends for my party slide.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no!

Pete, no sliding! It's in the lease!

I thought about everything!

I can't hear that!

What do you, uh...

What do you mean, "moving in"?

What's that?

Oh, Ray told me.

You don't have to keep it a secret anymore.

I know you want to combine the apartments to make room for our family.

[Sighs] No, no, I...

I want to expand, so ma could have a place.

Oh, you meant your mother, your family, yeah.

Mindy, no, no...

Ha... I am so embarrassed.

No, no, no. Don't be embarrassed. No, no, it's okay.

I'm gonna go.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold... hold on.

Mindy? Min?

Get my nips. Don't forget the nips.

Peter: I'm Peter Pan!

[All cheering]

Whoa!

Oh, my God! Pete!

Come in.

Hey, pal, glad you're feeling better.

Really?

Yeah, I want you to get healthy and strong, so I can k*ll you for what you did to my apartment.

Look, I only threw that party because Mindy evicted me with no warning.

Yeah, well, I got a bone to pick with her too.

I don't understand why she's so upset with me.

Dude, you read her diary.

You know Mindy's all in.

So when you start talking about knocking down walls, she's gonna think that you're all in too.

Yeah, you're right.

We have been getting real close lately.

She admitted to me that she's in her 30s.

Shut up.

She swears to me she's 24.

Nope, 30s.

Yeah, I mean, I know.

Yeah. Well, go.

Make things right with Diane.

What?

Uh, Mindy. Sorry.

I am legit concussed here.

All right, pal. Rest up, okay?

Hey, Danny?

Yeah, buddy?

Thanks for coming to visit me.

None of my other friends did.

You know what, Pete?

I think you should spend a little more time at my other place.

Are you being serious?

Yeah.

Even though Bush dropped a deuce in your washing machine?

[Sighs] I didn't know about that.

Oh, wherever did I leave my banana peel?

Oh, it's there.

Coccyx, forgive me.

[Hissing]

[Whispering] Oh, my God.

Thank you so much.

And, listen, I know I tried to bail on you seven or eight times...

Yeah, you did.

But thank you for sticking with me.

And, listen, I owe you way more than soda, so...

Oh, no, no, come on. That's crazy.

Come on, come on. That's...

All right.

Lauren is gonna be so impressed.

Oh, yeah, she's gonna want you to watch Henry all the time.

What are you talking about?

I mean, this could be your life now.

You know, you're a lucky man.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no...

Ye but what if I don't want any of that?

What if I just wanted a girlfriend and I hadn't thought any of this through?

I don't know what to tell you.

Oh, dear.

I'll see you monday.

That baby's got to sleep.

Okay.

Bye, buddy.

[Crashing]

[Clattering]

[Henry crying]

Bye.

[Crying continues]

[Door opens]

Hey.

Hey.

You don't have to do that.

You told me, in your culture, cleaning is a man job.

It is.

I just wanted the place to look nice for when your mom moved in.

Can we talk about that?

When I was thinking about having my mom move in, that...

I'm talking down the line, in the future, when her bones finally turn to dust.

She's got to take the yogurt for her bones.

Promise me you'll take yogurt for your bones.

Do you want talk about yogurt, or do you want to talk about us?

Look, I'm nervous about it, really, really nervous.

But if you really want to move in, I want to give it a try.

No, it's okay, Danny.

Look, I just want to be with someone who's as excited and certain as I am about our future.

And if you're not, that's fine.

Just let me know.

Because honestly, I'm gonna be fine no matter what happens.

You will?

Hold on. Hold on.

What if I want to move in with you?

Well, then you should ask me sometime, when you're not really, really nervous.

[Rustling]

[Groans]

That's a good woman.

You better hang on to her.

Get out of my apartment.