03x12 - Stanford

[bunniefuu]

Mindy: Leaving New York City for a fellowship across the country at Stanford University is both scary and exciting.

You can't help but feel it's like the first day of college again.

Will it be like Felicity? Who'll be my Ben? Who'll be my Noel?

Who will be my Greg Grunberg?

Me, you dope. I'm all the guys.

You know you're doing a fellowship in reproductive endocrinology and not pledging a sorority, right?

Obviously, Danny! But...

Do you think I should join an a cappella group?

Oh! Or better yet, an improv troupe, 'cause I'm so quick on my...

Damn it, what is the word?

Anyway, super-good at improv, voice of a nightingale.

Hel-lo, Stanford!

Hello, Stanford.

[Speaking hindi]

I got this. Hola. ¿como esta?

I'm from... India.

I don't got this. You got it.

I actually don't speak any lndian languages, but I do know how to do a kind of offensive lndian accent.

Oh... [chuckles]

I'm Neepa, from Gwalior. Where are you from?

Boston, baby. Home of the freedom trail and Tom Brady's penis.

[Snapping] Hey.

This is Neil, my son.

I'm sorry... I didn't know there was a child in this room.

My husband is back in lndia working in a chemical plant until I finish this fellowship and we can be a family again.

This handsome one right here...

He doesn't live here either.

New York City. But he's gonna visit a lot, because he's got a ton of miles 'cause he's constantly complaining to the airlines.

Yeah, I don't like when they change the gate on me.

I'm all set up at 42B, and then they reroute me to 41.

I mean... it'll cost you.

We're in the same boat.

Thanks.

[Hip-hop music]

The Mindy Project - 03x12 Stanford Danny: I wrote down your campus security phone number.

This right here... this is a money belt so you don't get robbed.

[Chuckles] Danny...

You're acting like my dad dropping me off at college.

What's next... you gonna give me brown bear even though I've totally outgrown him?

[Gasps] Brown bear!

I guess he can stay here with me even though I don't need him.

Of course you don't.

He takes up no room.

No. He's small.

What's this stuff?

Oh, my supervisor's hosting a kick-off party for all the new fellows tomorrow.

Wait a minute... your supervisor's Robert Gurgler?

Mm-mm.

Bob Gurgler?

Yeah.

Man, I went to med school with that guy.

I tell you what... Why don't I give him a call and just, you know, put in a good word for you?

I don't want you to do that, Danny.

Why not? You love nepotism.

The other day you said wouldn't it be easier if the next president was just this president's kid?

I don't want you to call in any favors for me.

And I don't want you to worry about me, and I don't want you to give me...

Oh, my God!

Is this $1,000 in traveler's cheques?

Hot diggity!

Okay. Now...

I wanna do this on my own.

Yeah? You sure?

Mm-hmm.

Okay.

Hey... Rosie's really working on you, right?

We can do it.

Who?

Rosie The Riveter.

That's Taylor Swift.

Who?

All right, we are connected.

Thank you.

[Beeping, buzzing]

[Beep]

Oh, good morning, sleepy head!

I'm in California. It's 5:00 in the morning.

What are you doing? So as I'm sure you know, the hospital basketball tournament is in two days, and our team...

Morgan's best friends...

Tamra: You see that?

We have a practice tonight, and we were thinking maybe you should take an earlier flight in so you can make it.

I found a flight with a connection in Alaska.

It's $4,500, but it's the right thing to do.

I'm not doing that, but...

I'll be home for the game so, uh...

I gotta get back to bed.

Good night.

Bye!

Whoo!

Morgan, you're a really good coach.

Thanks, Tam. It's just frustrating, you know.

You own 40 dogs and you think one of them might be like air bud, but no...

[Giggling]

All right, I'll see ya at practice, champ.

Mindy: Voila. My first Stanford party.

Man: Due to the nature of the procedure, you will want to make sure that you are all current with your basic... can I help you?

Oh, no. I'm so sorry. I...

I thought this was a kick-off party?

It said kick-off bash: Beginning of academic scholarship hangout.

Well, at least I got here before the professor arrived.

That would be me.

The guy down here at the front.

You're Dr. Gurgler?

Oh, I'm so sorry. I... I've apologized.

I will say, this is a little misleading.

All of us easily understood the acronym.

Regardless of what medically blonde here thinks...

[Laughter]

I actually thought it was a little mean, but thank you for calling me blonde.

This is a very rigorous program that will require a lot of time and energy.

Neepa!

It's your friend, Mindy! Neepa. Neepa!

We will... why are you still talking?

And sit down!

I actually can't sit in this dress.

Why not?

Because I'm not wearing underwear.

[Low murmurs]

Female GPS voice: 3 miles to airport.

Danny: Really nice nav system you got here.

I mean, I'd be more confident if it was a guy's voice...

But that's just me.

Hey, would you stop being so nervous?

Yeah, I'm not. It's just that this fellowship is a lot harder than I thought. Everybody hates me.

It's like the time I went to fat camp when I was a kid... I was by far the skinniest one.

Yeah, look, I know it's hard, but if you want me to call Rob, I can do that, no problem.

No, no, don't do that. I need to do this on my own.

Maybe I should apologize to him.

I'm actually really good at apologies.

I mean, you forgave me for dying all your gray hairs black in your sleep.

What?

Yeah. Do you think you were magically getting younger?

I'm sorry, Barbara, that we never go out anymore, but... look, this is the job that pays for your scarves.

I don't know why you need to...

I've gotta go. [Beep]

What do you want?

I wanted to apologize about yesterday.

Okay.

Is that all?

Ba-Dee-ba-Dee-ba-Dee... that's all, folks!

Mindy: So...

Idiot! Yeah, I know, right?

Who would park a bike in a parking spot?

I was talking about you.

That is my car.

That's a bike.

Uh, no... it's a car.

It's technically a motor vehicle, and it cost $20,000.

There's no motor.

My feet would be the motor?

Like Fred Flintstone?

Yeah. In his prehistoric car.

Faced! Welcome to Palo Alto, genius.

Hey, Dr. Gurgler! You went to medical school with Danny Castellano, right?

Yeah.

Well, he's my boyfriend.

Yeah. When I knew him, Dan always did like hispanic girls.

Well, I'm... it... okay, yeah.

Okay, it doesn't matter.

But he's still in town. Maybe you want to hang out.

I'd love to see Dan the man again.

[Both chuckle]

Are you gonna be there?

Yeah, I'm gonna be there.

He's my boyfriend.

Could you guys do a double date tonight?

Yes.

I'll clear my schedule.

Okay, that's fantastic. Bye, Dr. Gurgler!

Hey, babe.

Danny, I need you to come back.

Turns out, I do need your help.

Hey, Neeps.

I am actually leaving work early today.

Dr. Gurgler knows.

Mm.

I'm actually having dinner with him, and I was hoping you could cover me.

I could bring you and Neil dinner back from the restaurant.

I would not accept your guilt dinner.

Your loss... it was gonna be sloppy joes.

[Cell phone rings]

Talk to me, player.

Hey, buddy.

I gotta stay an extra day.

I'm sorry, I'm not gonna be able to make the game.

What? No! No, no, no, no. Wait... answer me right now.

What is more important...

Your relationship with Dr. Lahiri or this basketball team I made you join two days ago?

[Beep]

Dr. C? Damn it!

Okay, well, Dr. C's out.

And without a third person, we have to forfeit.

Tamra, give me your jockstrap.

Oh, no, no, no, we can't just quit.

We can find another player.

You better find one. I got a lotta do-re-mi on this game.

Hey, Dr. P, you play basketball.

Just a pick-up game I play with my friends.

Mostly... it's just an excuse for me to use black slang.

'Scuse me, blood.

Dr. P., this team means a lot to me.

And as an at-risk youth, this basketball program is really the only thing I have keeping me off the streets.

That sounds like a lie but also something that I would get in trouble if I say no to, so fine.

Yes! Whoo!

Rob: Hey!

Danny: There he is.

Aw! Dan the man!

Come here, you!

Ah!

Rob the man!

That's what I used to call him back in med school.

I came up with it, Min.

He did.

It's a lot like Dan the man.

Naw, it's different.

Look at you! How's everything? Okay?

Oh, amazing. Look, this guy right here...

Taught me how to brew.

This guy taught me how to drink.

Woman: Ha ha ha! Not anymore.

One beer, and he passes out, and the only thing that wakes him up is his bladder.

That's my lovely wife Barb.

Rob, I think you and Mindy are really gonna hit it off.

You should hang out.

You know what? Take her to Alcatraz.

Oh, I would love that. What is that?

It's the world's most famous marriage.

I mean prison.

[Light chuckle]

Barbara has a razor-sharp wit.

I always say, if she'd just stuck with the writing...

With what time? With you working all hours in the lab, who's gonna take care of our home?

[Whispering] We have no children.

We have a rabbit, and that's harder because it can't tell you what it wants.

That's okay... I don't need to go to Alcatraz.

You know, Rob, I'm not too happy with you taking Mindy away from us for eight months.

I mean, eight months without this one?

Best surgeon in the practice.

Really? 'Cause she has the energy of a PR woman for an alcohol brand.

I hear you, but wait till you see her technique.

I mean, her stitches... Mm. Barely perceptible.

I had no friends in seventh grade, so I had time to master the cross-stitch.

I have to check that out.

I don't know what the practice is gonna do without her.

I don't know what I'm gonna do without her.

Wow, that is so self-sacrificing that you would let Mindy move across the country to pursue her dreams.

Oh, hello.

Hi.

Rob: Broccoli and Broccolini? What a restaurant.

You guys ready to eat?

Oh, yeah.

[Giggles]

Morgan: All right, pot it.

Pot it.

[All cheering]

You were watching the game tape I sent you.

The was just a VHS copy of Space Jam.

Good, though. Good stuff.

So what's up, Morgan?

You wanna maybe grab a bite after this?

Oh, I can't, I'm... Hanging out with Jessica.

Hi.

Hi. How are you?

Who you supposed to be?

I'm Jessica. I'm his friend with benefits.

When did this happen?

Oh, boy.

Christmas... ish.

When I was on my habitat for humanity trip?

I'm out there hugging barefoot ass appalachian kids and meanwhile, you're dating a "Jerssica"?

Which isn't even a real name!

Give me one second.

Give me one second. Just... it's cool.

Look, we broke up like a month ago.

You went on a whole bunch of dates with bit pull.

You know what, Morgan?

I think I'm off the basketball team.

No, Tam, we need y...

Great! The one person who watched Space Jam quit!

Mm... this cheesecake is pretty good.

It's real good.

Really unexpected.

Not that unexpected. I mean, I ordered it.

Oh, boy.

[Clears throat]

Do I love the cheesecake here.

Yeah.

Really? You used to hate dessert.

You said dessert was weakness entering the body.

Yeah.

I like that...

Cheesecake.

Weird. [Rob laughs]

People change, I guess.

You know, Mindy, I still have that procedure tomorrow, and I haven't picked a fellow to assist me yet.

Would you be... interested?

Oh, my gosh!

I love this.

Yeah, I would love that.

Maybe I underestimated you.

And if Dan vouches for you...

Hey, man, are you tired?

[Whispering] Yeah, I'm about to be.

[Rob laughs] I hear that.

This is a big fruit salad.

Are you okay? You're very sweaty.

[Low and throaty] I'm fine.

Wow, I'm full.

Whew! That's a damn good cheesecake.

Oh, I got a little raspberry on me. Can I borrow your napkin?

I don't think that's a good idea, Rob.

You can have mine.

Thank you, Mindy.

Already assisting.

[Both chuckle]

Kind of a cool couple.

We should hang out with them again.

Yeah, definitely. Good night.

Hey, thank you so much for coming.

The only reason he asked me to do that surgery was because of you.

I should be thanking you after that fancy footwork back there.

Huh? What are you talking about?

I'm talking about me and your foot making hot fire underneath the table.

What?

You cheated on me!

I thought it was your foot!

Oh, come on, Danny.

You know that my talons would have torn you to shreds!

I just feel bad for Rob. I mean, he's gonna k*ll us.

Oh, we're not telling Rob!

What, so he can hate me again?

Danny, this is all your fault!

My fault?

Yeah!

I don't think so. I rearranged my entire schedule for the worst dinner of my life because you begged me to come back here.

How is it my fault?

I only arranged all this because you kept offering to put in a good word for me, Danny.

Yeah.

Okay? You know why? Because I think deep down you don't think that I can do this by myself.

Yeah, maybe I don't.

And you know what? I got a feeling you don't think you can do it by yourself either, Min.

What are you doing?

Stop packing.

I'm gonna try to catch the red-eye back to New York.

Thank you, Dr. Reed, for filling in last-minute.

Sorry we ran out of uniforms.

Oh, my pleasure. Only thing is, I've never played basketsball before.

I'm sure I'll pick it up. Who's gonna be goalie?

[Sighs] Who we playing anyway?

[Door opens] ♪ All I do is ♪
♪ Win win win ♪
♪ No matter what ♪

Oh, my God.

♪ I can never get enough ♪
♪ We like the u in the '80s ♪

This is not good.

♪ No matter what, got money on my mind ♪
♪ I can never get enough ♪

It's not what you think. She's who we're worried about.

Dr. Carolyn King.

♪ And they stay there ♪

All right, here we go!

♪ And they stay there ♪
♪ And they stay there ♪
♪ Up down, up down ♪
♪ 'Cause all I do is win, win ♪
♪ Win, win, win ♪

[All whooping]

Morgan: Double screen, double screen, double screen!

♪ Swervin' in my lo-lo ♪
♪ Head on the swivel ♪

Take it back, pass it down.

♪ Serving me's a no-no ♪

2 minute...

You sh**t like my cousin Sheena, and she gots mad carpel tunnel from her keyboard!

Ow!

Ohh... I'm tired, I'm tired.

No, that's not what that means.

That's not what that means. Okay, it doesn't mean that.

It means time out!

I don't know the rules.

[Groans] Ughhhhh!

♪ Represent that mud life ♪
♪ Dirty money ♪

What are you doing?

I'm very tired.

Here we go.

Falt! Falt! Falt!

Hello. I would like to order a cheese-burg, please.

Oh. Neepa!

Hey, what are you doing here?

[Chuckles] Oh, I'm doing research for a part in a play.

What do you think I'm doing? I work here.

Okay. What is your problem with me, man?

I'm only ever extremely nice to you!

You are my problem.

All you spoiled second generations care about are sex positions and nail art.

You always try to take the easy way out, and it's not fair.

For some of us, there is no easy way.

You know what, you think I'm a spoiled second generation?

Well, guess what, honey?

Neil's gonna be an outdoor pool DJ in Vegas!

No!

Oh, yeah!

No... he would never do that...

In Gwalior, they cut off your hand for that!

[Whispers] Wow.

All right... this is bad.

Do they have more points? Yes.

Do they have more skill? Yeah.

But do they have more heart?

Yes. And that is why we're gonna leave...

Right now.

What... we're losing?

I thought the aim was to score the least points like golf.

You think care what the scoreboard say?

It could be 200 to 2! I don't care!

Get out there and k*ll them!

[Tamra continues shouting]

No. We're not quitting.

Dr. P, why you...

Hey, Bobby Knight, you need to calm down.

This is a fundraiser for IBS.

I think there's a secret reason why you put this game together and why you're playing so hard.

'Cause I'm mad Morgan's dating someone else, and I wanna embarrass him.

I thought it was gonna be a little more below the surface, so I...

You have no idea what this is like, Dr. P.

I'm in love with someone who works in the same hospital, and now he's dating this cool, attractive doctor.

Tamra, that literally just happened to me.

I don't remember that.

Do you not listen to anything or pay attention to anything I do or say?

I guess I don't.

Look, Dr. P, the only reason I joined this team was 'cause it was an excuse to hang out with Morgan, and now he's not even noticing me, so I have to crush him.

You wanna be the bigger person?

I'll tell you right now...

You gotta stop making your ex look like a fool.

It only looks bad on you.

But it looks good on me. I'm winning, and I look hot in these children's basketball shorts.

Look, you wanna move on?

Stop dunking on your ex-boyfriend.

Mindy!

Hey. Oh, God, I had a great time last night.

Barb was in such a good mood, [whispers] We almost had sex!

Oh... hey, um...

I don't want you to give me special treatment just because you're friends with my boyfriend.

It's not right.

Mindy, I'm a professional.

I'm not gonna give you special treatment.

Did you just wink at me?

No!

Okay, damn it. I have to tell you this.

I didn't want to, but here it is.

Last night, your wife's foot had sex with my boyfriend.

'Scuse me?

She is stepping out on you.

I did not mean for that to be a pun, but it sure works.

If the shoes fits. There.

I mean, it's just a real fertile area.

Oh, God! Oh, God!

It's all right, it's all right, it's okay.

[Muttering]

I don't understand what you're saying because you're weeping so much.

Barbara! Barbara!

No, no, no, I don't think that's a good idea.

Barbara! I'm coming, Barb!

I'm so sorry.

Okay. All right.

Barbara!

[Sobbing, muttering] [Horn honks]

Aah!

Aah! Dr. Gurgler!

Rob: Ow!

Danny said you were good at this.

Or was that a lie too?

You know what, I know you're really upset about the stuff with your wife, but that's not my fault.

Oh, please.

I saw those pants Danny was wearing.

They were practically sprayed on.

Well, actually, that is my fault.

I secretly... take in his pants at the crotch to accentuate his bulge. But never mind!

Ever since I started this program, you've been so mean to me.

I know you think I'm this spoiled brat with an ass that's all that, but I'm not.

I'm smart. Hence, that cool rhyme.

I... and I know I didn't come from another country, but I had to sacrifice a lot too.

Like Neepa or Pramood or Gamorra or Groot or Rocket the Raccoon.

I think some of those are Guardians of the Galaxy.

And some of them aren't, Rob, all right?

I just wanna work really hard and be treated like everybody else.

Okay.

Thank you.

There.

Whoa!

God, those stitches are gorgeous!

Oh, God!

I got the intrafallopian transfer in ten minutes!

I can't do it like this!

Wait, c-could... can you do it?

Wow, me?

Imagine, me... the child of immigrants...

Who are you talking to?

Okay, nobody. I'm so sorry.

Peter: Morgan, I'm open!

I gotta score one.

Then do it!

I'm 0 for 47.

Carolyn: Tamra, block him!

Tamra, you're better than this.

Tamra, no mercy!

Crowd: Four, three... take your sh*t.

Two... one.

[Buzzer]

Oh!

Schooled you! Yeah!

Tamra, you hungry.

Yeah, of course.

I just b*rned 100,000 calories crushing it.

Wait. Are you asking me out?

No, I joined Morgan's worst nightmare because I thought we could go pro.

Come on.

Okay.

Okay.

After you.

Everyone, stop! Stop what you're doing!

Everyone stop right now. There's been a terrible accident.

Dr. Gurgler is dead.

[Gasps and murmurs] What?

I don't know why I said that... I'm nervous.

He's not dead. But...

He did ask me to cover for him for the surgery.

But I don't think I should do it.

I think Neepa should do it instead.

Really?

I didn't earn this week. You did.

Thank you, Mindy.

Danny: Ow!

Aah! Aah!

Oh, my God!

You sat on me!

Yeah, and I farted on you too!

Damn it, Danny!

Thank God I didn't unpack my g*n...

You'd be dead by now.

Come here.

God...

Look, I was boarding the plane, and I thought, if this thing goes down, I didn't want our last conversation to be a fight.

But if you don't want me to stay here, I can go back to this place...

The Castro, like a men's hotel.

They seem really nice.

What? For some reason, they were really like, "come in, come in!"

Okay, okay, okay, you're not staying there.

I do want you to be here.

And what I realized is that I don't need you to be here.

Taylor, cover your eyes.