03x21 - Best Man

[bunniefuu]

Jeremy: So now, on to the matter of Peter's wedding.

We can't all take a week off for the wedding of an ex-employee.

It's unprofessional.

distorted deep male voice: Hello. I want to play a game.

You're all gonna die.

And then I'm gonna k*ll your families.

Oh, God, ah! Ah! Ah!

Oh, God, ah!

Mindy: Oh, my God.

Peter!

[laughs]

[in Urkel voice] Did I do that?

Whoo! It's always so awesome.

Peter, hey.

I love that.

Hey.

Hey.

Best guy.

It's good to see you, pal.

How's it going, man?

Peter, what are you doing here?

You look awful.

Oh, man, did Lauren call off the wedding? I knew it.

[gasps]

This is a lesson for all of us, okay?

Next time, pick someone in your own league, right?

No, the wedding's going on. I signed her pre-nup yesterday.

Hey, screw the wedding.

When's the bachelor party? Okay.

Are we going white water rafting?

And if so, if I don't have a swim suit, can I just wear my underpants?

I kind of had the bachelor party yesterday.

And the festivities got a little out of control.

Pube tried to kiss me.

And then begged me not to get married.

So I'm kind of in the market for a new best man.

Oh, God! [clears throat]

Dr. Peter Prentice, will you give me the honor of letting me be your best man?

If I don't have a tuxedo, can I wear my underpants?

Mindy, will you be my best man?

Wow!

Peter, I would be honored.

No, a best man that's a girl?

What's next? Is the maid of honor gonna be a chair?

Thanks a lot, Ryan Murphy.

Peter: It's a big responsibility.

You got to learn the best man dance.

Pube and I have had some sweaty, intimate rehearsals.

I feel like you've been sending Pube mixed messages.

Mm.

Mm.

I've only just now heard of this tradition.

And it's already the most important one in my life.

Hey, best man.

Maid of honor?

[hip-hop music]

♪

Hey, sweetheart.

Hey, babe.

Do you remember how I told you that my parents are moving to lndia for a year?

Yeah, I said, "I guess even the Third World is better than Boston."

Hilarious.

Yes.

Well, we're actually having a going away party for them in Boston.

Oh, yeah?

And I thought you could come with me.

And you could finally meet them.

Wow, your mom and dad.

That's big.

Are you nervous?

No.

Aren't you excited to meet the parents of the little girl whose innocence you stole, you pedo?

Yeah, I am excited.

And, yes, it's a little nerve-racking.

They are going to love you just as you are.

Yeah?

Yeah. 'Cause you're perfect.

Thanks, babe.

Okay. I can't wait.

Oh, and, um, it might be a good idea to bring my mom a nice bottle of wine.

Absolutely.

And you could bring my dad a cool non-fiction book.

Sure.

He loves reading.

Great.

And maybe, like, a rare coin for Grandfather.

Terrific.

And don't bring up the Yankees 'cause my dad is a big Red Sox fan.

Okay. Wine, coin, book, no Yankees. Got it.

Oh, I have a procedure Wednesday afternoon, but I'll just come up to Boston after... is that okay?

Of course. I'm so excited, sweetheart.

By the way, I love this new scruff that you're rocking.

Oh, yeah?

Very sexy.

Thank you. I'm just trying something new.

But when you meet my parents, you should shave it off, 'cause they will hate it.

Bye. I love you.

[playful music]

♪ ♪

Morgan: Women can't dance and they're not funny.

I should be Dr. P's best man!

Peter: Hey.

I haven't gotten your RSVP for the wedding.

Yeah, I can't make it, buddy.

I'm so sorry.

I've got a lot going on at work.

And I have these new succulents that are having real trouble adjusting to their pots.

So I'm just totally busy.

You're not that busy.

You're taking a gift-wrapping class.

[sighs]

Hey, are we cool?

You know what? We're actually not.

I'm still bumming out about the best man thing, to be honest.

Not you. Never you.

I know things ended weird between you and I with the whole Lauren thing, but it would really mean a lot to me if you came to the wedding.

Peter, we're cool.

You know, I'm swamped.

I wish there was more to it, but, you know, that's it.

That's it.

Yup.

Okay.

All right.

Hey, man, as a person who just received his first invitation to an event, I think you're making a big mistake.

[sighs]

[upbeat music]

♪ ♪

Mindy on phone: Hey, babe. Are you at South Station?

I'll come and get you.

Okay. Whatever you do, do not talk to any white people.

In Boston, they're the dangerous ones.

I'm still here at the hospital.

The procedure went late and I missed my train.

Mindy: Just take a later train.

We can spend the morning with my parents.

My dad can get us into Fenway Park.

You can spit right on the field.

I got to get home, and pack, and shave.

I'll be up late anyway.

Some of the cousins are gonna watch Happy Gilmore.

Well, I guess I could catch a flight.

But by the time I get to La Guardia, buy a ticket... they always pull me at the security line.

I don't know. Is this...

Does really make sense for tonight, babe?

[family laughing inside restaurant]

You should stay in and get some sleep.

Danny: Give my regards to your folks, okay?

Tell them I said hi.

Love you.

Love you.

[somber music]

♪ ♪

Mindy: Ooh, what's he saying now?

Peter: He's doing a Schwarzenegger impression, and it is really funny.

Really?

Yeah.

How's your blood pressure?

Did you go see that new doctor I recommended?

I don't understand why you can't keep being my doctor in Texas.

Because I can't deliver your baby over Skype, Mindy.

Now promise me you'll go see the doctor.

Fine.

Thank you.

But I will not have my crotch do voices for her.

That's for you.

Thank you.

Hey, babe.

Oh, what's up, Pete?

Hey, man.

Could I talk to you for a sec?

Sure.

Sorry about the party last night.

Mm-hmm.

But I'll tell you this much, I got a lot of sleep, so I'm a new Dan.

That's good.

I was thinking, when your folks get back, the baby will be here, our home will be ready, that I could meet them then.

Mm-hmm. That sounds good.

Can I get their address?

I want to send them some flowers.

No, no, no. Don't. Please.

Flowers are a symbol of death in lndia.

Really?

Yeah.

Okay, well, that's definitely not the message I want to give them.

What about candy, or fruit, or something?

All symbols of death.

It's okay, because I talked to them, and I explained to them that you were very tired, and that white men get more tired than men of other races, and they totally understood it, and they're fine.

That's great 'cause Sicilian men need ten hours of sleep anyways.

They sound like nice people.

I love you.

Love you.

Later, Pete.

Hey, take it easy.

So what's that lie about now?

Hmm?

Oh, my God.

Do you not have parents?

Were you raised like Mowgli from The Jungle Book?

I think I've seen you eat bugs.

That was one time, and of course I have parents.

Just, I don't want Danny to contact them because my parents don't know that Danny exists.

Peter: What do you mean your parents don't know Danny exists?

They know he exists, Peter.

Uh-huh.

As my co-worker.

Just not as my boyfriend or the father of my baby.

Oh, my God.

Do they know about me?

Do they think I'm cool?

You know what? That's not important right now.

What were you gonna do when Danny showed up to your parents' party?

Well, that was when I was gonna come clean and introduce him.

Why would you lie like that?

When I found out I was pregnant, I wasn't even sure that Danny and I were gonna stay together.

Eight months ago, he had a problem with me leaving a toothbrush at his place.

Yeah, but now he's all-in.

He's even practicing jogging while pushing a stroller.

I thought he was all-in.

But then, I invited him to come up to Boston to meet my parents, before they leave for a year, and he bailed on that.

[sighs]

And I would end my best man speech with, "Lauren, Peter, together, you can do anything.

Even walk on the moon."

Oh!

I don't think you're gonna get to be best man through talent, Morgan.

Mm.

So why don't you win him over the same way you got me to go on a date with you?

Cry like a baby until he says yes.

Yes. Yes.

Peter: You've done a lot of immoral stuff, but this is the worst.

Mindy: Shh! Keep your voice down.

I don't want Danny to hear.

If it wasn't Danny who got you pregnant, who did?

Mindy: Just some guy I dated.

And he's not in the picture anymore.

Danny is gonna freak out.

I know. That's why you cannot tell him.

You have to promise me.

Morgan?

[sighs]

What were you doing?

Watching my entire world crumble around me.

Okay.

Mindy, you have to tell him because this is not cool.

And more importantly, when your heart is filled with lies, it makes it difficult for your feet to be light with dance.

Now, let's go.

We have a best man dance to learn.

And you need to see that doctor I told you about.

Okay.

Trapeznikov: Hello.

My name is Dr. Ludmila Trapeznikov.

It is great honor for me to care for you in pregnancy.

Oh, well, thank you.

Peter speaks very highly of you.

Peter. Peter is my favorite Jew.

He's my favorite Jew as well.

Yes.

You are high-risk because of, uh, how you say, fat, and much age.

Hey, man, I know you just moved here from, like, the Urkraig, or whatever, but in this country, when you call a woman fat and old, it's considered rude.

I mean not be rude.

Where I come from, this is compliment.

You not understand, "fat," like big, happy, fat, lots of meat.

For the baby, this mansion you give.

You are pregnant, yes?

I am going to Texas for a wedding and I need to know if I can ride the mechanical bull.

No, no, no, no, Mindishka.

You have pre-eclampsia.

You no ride nothing.

No bull, no man, and no flying nowhere till the babishka is pushed out.

Is my blood pressure that high?

Yes. You see these numbers?

It went around, tried to go another time, broke.

I don't know how I'm gonna tell Peter that I can't be his best man.

You are a man!

Oh, now this makes so much more sense.

Yes. Yes.

Hey, Danny, can we not stay here too long?

There's actually something that I wanted to talk to you about.

It's gonna take as long as it's gonna take, okay?

Can you just be quiet for once in your life?

You know, Cookie from Empire says, "No man hushes me!"

And I'm like her, okay?

So...

Why is Beverly's chopper here?

That's not Beverly's chopper.

Oh, no.

all: Surprise!

Oh, my God! What's happening?

It's a surprise baby shower, dum-dum.

Get your head in the game.

[laughter]

A onesie that says "feminist." I love it.

I thought it would be empowering for him.

Yeah, no. I love it for, like, pajamas around the house.

I don't think I like that for him, right now, so let's...

Thank you so much, Tamara.

That's a onesie from Tamara.

Mindy: The gifts have been so thoughtful, with the exception of the edible underwear that Beverly gave me.

I can only assume she thought this was a bridal shower.

Just 'cause you're a mom doesn't mean you can't look good, babe.

Edible...

Yeah.

You don't have to write that.

I'm not gonna send a "Thank You" note for that.

I also want to just say that it's been wonderful being around all of my loved ones, and Annette's walking group, and her mailwoman, Regina.

Mindy, you know, I tried to invite your side of the family, but Danny didn't know how to get in touch with them.

Annette, don't pry.

Maybe she's from a broken home.

Guys, come on. Give Mindy a break.

Her parents are probably in lndia somewhere naming a goat after our son.

Well, why don't we just see exactly what they're doing right now?

What do you mean, "what they're doing right now"?

It's a surprise for Mindy and her parents!

I talked to your brother, Rishi, and I got your parents' email address so they could join us in a video chat.

both: What?

Why?

Oh, no.

Why'd you do that, Mom?

You know what?

They're very shy, so... Oh, God.

Oh, no, no.

Okay.

Okay.

All right.

Morgan: Shut the laptop!

I got something to say.

Guys, Morgan's here.

And he has something to say.

Thank you.

Go ahead.

This shower is a lie!

Their relationship is a lie!

The father of that baby is one of these men behind me.

[hip-hop music]

Yeah, they're all here, baby.

All these men.

And one of them is the dad.

What?

You recognize any of these penises?

Check 'em out.

Morgan, what the hell is going on here?

Who are all these men?

Any why are they all white?

Because I heard this one tell Dr. Prentice that you're not the real father and it's just some random guy that she dated.

[gasps]

Oh, Morgan.

What have you done?

I used my extensive knowledge of your sexual history, and the plot of Mamma Mia, and several thousand dollars of my savings to wrangle the four of your ex-boyfriends that I find the sexiest to find out which one is the father!

That's right! The g*ng's all here.

The Manhattan Meat Train. I give you...

Josh, Jamie...

Hey.

Casey...

What's up?

Eric...

Lee.

Lee.

It's Lee.

And you're gonna take this rose, and you're gonna put it in the hand of the man that knocked you up.

I'm not gonna do that.

Can I get reimbursed for the flower?

Come on, man.

I'm sorry. Hey, Mindy, I know it's been a minute since I've been all up in it.

But I want to be in my son's life.

I want to provide tight kicks for his little feet.

No, just stop. Stop.

Everyone, stop.

None of you guys are the father.

Danny's the father, of course.

Yes. No kidding I'm the father.

Morgan, why would you even think that?

He thinks that because my parents don't know that.

What?

My parent's don't know that you exist.

What are you talking about?

Hey, uh, I'm so sorry.

I'm confused. So, I'm not the dad?

Okay, good, because I have a genetic condition that you guys would...

You would find chilling.

No.

Can we go talk about this in private?

Why don't your parents know about me?

I was gonna introduce you at the party, but then you never came.

Well, I would've come if I knew I didn't exist.

It shouldn't take that much for you to want to come and meet them.

I met your family because I knew it was important to you.

I was excited to meet them.

Yeah. I thought you thought Ma and Dot were cool.

Of course they're not cool, Danny, look at those vests.

They're reversible.

Inside, there's birds.

Danny, you couldn't meet my parents once when they were going away to lndia for an entire year.

Do you know how many of these guys have met my folks?

I went on a walking tour of Little ltaly with them.

Remember every single second of it 'cause I was high on crystal.

Is that why you peed yourself?

That is why I peed myself.

Great.

Amantes sunt amentes.

Jamie: Am I right? I'm sorry. Was that Latin?

I'm a Classics professor at Columbia University.

I don't even know I'm doing it.

"Lovers are lunatics." [laughter]

I'd love to sit down and pick your brain sometime.

Absolutely.

You know what, Danny?

I'm 34 years old.

I cannot introduce my parents to, yet, another guy, and have it not work out.

Especially now, when I have so much more to lose.

Dr. C, do I feel bad about what I did here today?

Yeah, sure I do.

You should've gone to meet her parents, dude.

Danny, why didn't you just go?

The procedure went late, okay?

The party was in Boston...

Ma, I had to shave, okay?

Yeah, you clearly didn't shave, Danny.

Yeah, no.

Okay, fine.

You want to know why I didn't go?

Here's why I didn't go, 'cause I was afraid that your parents were gonna ask us why we weren't married.

That's why I didn't go.

So what's the big deal?

You're gonna get married, eventually.

I don't know if we have to.

I don't know if I want to.

You don't?

Whoo.

[gasps]

No, I don't know.

I love you, but I don't know...

I just don't know about marriage.

Okay.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Let's just talk about this.

No. Don't.

Don't, no, no. I don't want to.

[dramatic music]

♪ ♪

Hey.

Since when do you not want to get married?

I don't know.

A while now, I guess. Uh... since I got divorced.

Well, you proposed to me when you found out that I was pregnant.

Because I thought it was the right thing to do.

Because I wanted you to know I'm committed to you, Mindy, and this baby, and then you said you didn't want to do it.

And I got to be honest, I was relieved.

Yeah, but I never said I never wanted to get married.

I just wanted you to propose because you love me, not out of obligation.

Come on, you know I love you.

I love you. Of course I love you.

Okay, fine.

Then, Danny, I want you to love me in a way that I can show on lnstagram.

Because that's what I'm like.

[sighs]

It's not weird to want your boyfriend to get down on one knee, and to meet your parents, and to get you a ring.

I'll get you a ring, if that's what you want.

I'll get you 10 rings. I'll get you 20 rings.

I don't care about the ring.

Look, I've done it.

I've been married and it didn't go so well.

It means... it just... marriage means nothing.

It means something to me.

I...

How do you know it wouldn't go well with us?

Why do I not get to try it out?

Look, I love you so much...

I know you love me.

But it's not fair.

[somber music]

I'll tell you, besides those guys showing up, I thought the party went really well.

Don't you think? [dishes clanking loudly]

Why are you slamming these dishes around?

Please, don't be made at Mindy.

In her culture, they don't have baby showers.

With the overpopulation, they'd never get anything done.

I'm not mad at Mindy.

I'm mad at myself for letting my lousy marriage completely mess up my son.

What are you talking about?

I'm not messed up. I'm doing great, Mommy.

All these years, I thought, wow, I am so lucky.

He's been through so much and it didn't even affect him.

But it did.

You were always grouchy and now you're cynical.

I'm not cynical.

Oh, you are.

You think everything is gonna end badly, so you don't even take chances anymore!

I'm just realistic, Ma.

I don't believe in fairy tales.

Oh, no?

No.

Well, then, you really picked the wrong girl to knock up.

When you married Dad, you thought he was the greatest person in the world, right?

Yes, yes, yes, yes.

When I got married to Christina, I thought she was the greatest person in the world. And now what?

We hate them both, Ma. We hate them.

I don't want to end up looking at Mindy that way, okay?

I don't want to split up from her, and not live with my son, and have him feel like I felt. Alone.

I don't want that. Okay?

That's what marriage is, Ma.

I'm sorry, but that's what marriage is.

[somber music]

♪ ♪

[sighs]

It's okay, Danny.

It's okay.

♪ ♪

Danny, maybe the problem isn't marriage.

Maybe the problem is we picked people who didn't deserve it.

♪ ♪

Mindy voice-over: "Dear Mom and Dad, "I need to tell you something. Do you remember Danny Castellano from work? The one I used to complain about all the time? Well, he's the father of my baby. I wanted to introduce you... [scanner beeps] But only when he and I had figured out our situtation."

Thank you.

Mindy voice-over: "But we haven't, "and I don't know if we ever will. Today, I realized, even if we don't stay together, "I am certain of a few things. He's the best man I've ever dated, "and he's become the most important person in my life, "besides you two and the baby. And most importantly, he will be a great dad."

[enchanting music]

♪ ♪

[playful music]

[phone rings]

Mindy: Hey, Morgan. How's the wedding?

Morgan: Really freakin' bad.

You know what? You got some nerve, lady.

How are you mad at me? I'm still mad at you.

Morgan: When you bailed, I thought I was gonna be the best man, but then guess who showed up.

Dr. Reed. And he's doing the best man dance!

And guess what. It's freaking beautiful.

Mindy: How'd he learn it so fast?

Morgan: I don't know, but they were born to dance together.

Very moving stuff.

It's better than anything I could've done.

But damn it, that should've been me up there.

And the worst part is, Dr. C's not here to keep me company.

[cheers and applause]

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

Danny's not at the wedding?

Then where is he?

[Santigold's L.E.S. Artistes]

man on overhead intercom: Ladies and gentlemen, we are starting our descent into Chhatrapati Shivaji International Airport in Mumbai.

♪ What I'm searching for ♪
♪ To tell it straight ♪
♪ I'm trying to build a wall ♪
♪ Walking by myself ♪
♪ Down avenues that reek of time to k*ll ♪

[car horn honks]

♪ Stop trying to catch my eye ♪
♪ I see you good you forced faker ♪
♪ You make it easy ♪
♪ You're my enemy, you fast talker ♪
♪ I can say I hope ♪

Hi.

I'm Danny Castellano...

And I'm in love with your daughter.