03x07 - Carmenjello

[bunniefuu]

(moaning)

Sofia: Babe?

Ruxin: Mm-hmm. What?

You always focus on the left breast, you ignore the right breast, and then you move on.

Are you accusing me of breast favoritism?

Is there something wrong with my right breast?

No, it's fantastic, so... Okay, so why don't you pay attention to both of them?

I guess I have kind of my routine, like, you know...

Can't you just improvise?

All right, I will improvise a bit.

What if we tried, like, where you're, like, a French courtesan from the 19th century who loves to give blow jibbers?

How about I pretend to be a nun?

All right, we'll just do, like, a little spoon and slip.

And... scene.

So, sue me. I have a routine.

Kevin: Mm-hmm.

We all have a routine in bed.

Of course.

I like to count off-- one, two, three, four, one, two, three, four.

It's like a sexual fox-trot.

Pete: You have a play that works, you keep running that play until you get stopped.

And she stopped me, and I don't know what to do.

I mean, I love her breasts.

I would make a statue to them.

They're perfect.

Andre: Actually, a lot of guys are doing that now-- making statues of their wives.

So if I made a statue of Sofia's naked body, maybe I could, like, give it to her for Christmas.

If you're serious about it, I have a mold guy.

Is he the guy who did The Dre?

Uh, no. He moved to Taiwan.

Yeah, should have done it before baby Jeffrey was born.

Taco: Yeah, her breasts were great back then.

Okay, can we just stop talking about breasts and sex?

I'm sorry.

Are we offending you?

Just, I'm very frustrated right now.

I am counting the days till we can just paint the room and get her back into her own place.

Just be careful of the paint you use.

Why?

Because I am currently representing a cheap paint company whose cans allegedly explode.

Just out of curiosity, what is your defense?

Well, if you are purchasing something that is half the price of your competitors, then there is a reasonable expectation that that product will explode in your face.

And morally, you're good with this?

There was just one word in there that I am not familiar with.

That one.

Jenny: No, it's too dark.

This one.

No. She said she wants cinnamon.

None of these are really cinnamon.

She wants a color that does not exist on this color wheel.

Yes, exactly.

Tell her that cinnamon only exists in spice racks and strip clubs, that's it.

Well, I think we're gonna have to go custom.

Custom?

I don't want to spend more time.

I want our daughter to be in her room in her bed so that when you and I are in our bed, we can do the recreational activities that we like to do.

I don't want you to get frustrated.

I mean, what are we gonna do about this, babe?

I don't know.

She's outside playing right now.

Want to do a little recreation?

Mm-hmm.

I like this.

Yeah, you do?

Yeah.

Ellie: What are you guys doing in my bedroom?

Oh! Oh, oh, oh.

Hi... sweetie.

Honestly, I was looking for zipper fairies... Yes.

...in Daddy's zipper.

What are zipper fairies?

Uh, fairies that hide in your zipper and get it stuck, and Mommy was just trying to get them all out.

Yeah.

Did you get all the zipper fairies out?

No, I didn't.

No, no, she did not, sadly.

Um, I found these in your bathroom.

I don't exactly know what they are.

Ooh.

Oh... I... No, too soon, too soon.

It's too soon.

They... They're stickers.

Sticklers?

They're underwear stickers.

Underwear stickers?

Underwear stickers!

Oh, here, check this out.

Okay.

What do you think of that one? Yeah!

That one looks like doggie doody.

I don't know what you're looking for.

Cinnamon.

You said I could pick, and I choose cinnamon.

Oh, I guess we'll just have to forge on and get rid of these fairies.

Well, I have to go get my underwear stickers back, so you are left to hunt for fairies on your own.

Oh.

Sorry.

Well, start packing your bags, fairies, 'cause yoguys are going home to a tube sock.

Sofia is now bugging out about the body image stuff, and I'm, like... Mm-hmm.

..."You have a beautiful body.

I don't know how to tell you."

I feel like the statue's the thing to do.

What is this?

What is this thing?

It's a breast implant.

This is a breast implant?

Yes.

This is awesome.

It's like a stress ball.

It's actually quite helpful.

It's like a stress plant.

A stress plant. I like that.

I don't know why woman don't just grab onto their own whenever they're stressed out.

You know, if you want to keep it, take it.

I got tons of 'em.

It's just a sample.

Great. Thank you.

All right, so what do we need to do to get the statue thing done?

It needs to be a surprise.

If you want it to be a surprise, just get me a picture of her, I'll give it to my guy, and he can work off of that.

That's all you need is a picture?

Yeah.

Wow. Why do you have a topless photo of your wife in your jacket?

Will that work?

Yes, sure, my God.

Whoa! Sofia boobs.

Let me see that.

What's going on here?

Absolutely not.

How did you get that picture?

I went on vacation with her for our honeymoon to Europe, and I convinced her to go topless for a few hours.

I grabbed a few photos, told her I erased the tall, kept one of 'em.

But the question remains, why do you keep it in your jacket pocket?

For personal use.

Oh, no.

No, you don't.

You do not masturbate to a photo of your own wife.

Out of everyone in your life, you picked the only person you can actually have sex with.

What?

I'm not allowed to have p*rn in my house, and my roster sucks, so I need some material.

That's like if a serial k*ller wrote a romance novel, he would jerk off to his wife.

Extended family, sure.

Like your aunt or something-- fine.

Your aunt?

Excuse me?

She's not really my aunt.

I mean, we call her Aunt Kiki, but she's more like a cousin.

Kiki.

She used to be a boat show model.

Oh, my goodness.

What is this? Toro Tails.

Hmm.

Really?

Why do you have our high school newspaper?

I just donated some money there, and they put me on the mailing list.

Why would you give money to the school?

You hated high school.

No, I didn't.

I loved high school.

High school was my jam.

We shat all over you in high school.

I know, but you guys said that was all in good fun.

That's what we made you tell the principal.

Since I gave that donation, the school wants to do a little ceremony to honor me, so they want some pictures, so what do you think?

So the message you want to send is that it's okay to be second best?

Is that it?

Oh, no, I didn't...

I, on the other hand-- still number one.

Pete Eckhart-- pole vault record, baby. Boom.

Barely, though.

Look at that.

Oh, you know what?

Let me find out where this principal's office is.

Hey, excuse me, um... Hi. Yeah.

Carmanjello, um, where's the principal's office?

What?

No. It's been forever since I've been here.

I just... I totally forgot.

Oh, my God.

Did you just call me Carmanjello?

Yeah. That's your name, right?

No, it is not my name, man.

Did it ever occur to you that it might be the name of the janitorial service I work for?

Oh, I... Yeah, my name is Steve.

And you just assumed that all black people have crazy-ass names, huh?

I don't assume anything about black people.

It's written on your shirt.

I'm not a r*cist.

You sure you're not a r*cist?

I'm not a r*cist.

I'm gonna ask you a question.

Why would somebody name their baby Carmanjello?

What kind of woman would do that?

I don't know.

Maybe your mom liked opera and desserts.

Okay, so now you're making fun of black people.

I'm sorry, I'm not a r*cist.

Taboo is my favorite Black Eyed Pea.

I love the show Martin!

You so crazy.

You're not helping yourself.

Why did you think his name was Carmanjello in the first place?

It's written on his uniform.

So when you go to the gas station, do you call that guy Exxon?

No, okay, Carmanjello could be a name.

I mean, who here has Plaxico?

I love Plaxico Burress.

Right?

Jermichael, D'Brickashaw, LaRod.

Montario Hardesty.

Jacquizz.

Laveranues Coles.

Carmanjello.

Yeah, except Carmanjello's name is actually Steve.

That's the problem.

This is gonna haunt me.

Now I'm a donator at this school.

Every time I go there, I'm going to be embarrassed.

I just, I can't get comfortable.

My back is k*lling me.

Because you need to get laid.

Ellie is still sleeping in our room.

I want to go to that spa that we went to and get a massage.

Oh, wait a second.

This is a great idea.

I should bring Carmanjello-- I mean, I should bring Steve to the spa.

What?

Like, kind of a race summit over a couples massage.

The same way Obama brought that black professor and that white cop.

This solves all my problems.

Coming through.

Excuse me.

Jesus, what, are you smuggling diamonds?

No, because diamonds aren't forever.

But Forever stamps are.

I invested all my money that I made pretending to be that old woman's gardener into Forever stamps.

It's a foolproof plan.

They never depreciate in value, they only go up.

I paid 44 cents for these, soon they'll be 45, 46.

And who knows, maybe one day, the big 5-0.

I'm sitting on thousands of pennies right now.

Oh, Ruxin, as my lawyer, I'm gonna need you to keep these valuables at your place.

I do not feel comfortable keeping them in my apartment.

The front door is half cardboard, and it gets really moist in there, so I think it's gonna make them all stick together.

Taco, as your attorney, I'm gonna say that legally it's your next of kin that has to hold onto them.

No, it's not.

Legally, it's not.

Yeah, I think he's right.

No, it is.

Next of kin, please?

No. Fine, okay, I'll do it.

Actually, I'm gonna keep a little bit of spending stamps on me.

Can't keep it all in the bank.

Taco, you can't use that as actual currency.

I beg to differ.

Everyone needs stamps.

Taco, where'd you get this briefcase?

Stole it from some moron.

It says "Kevin" on it.

Bartender, take another round, please.

How is the statue coming along?

Got a slight, a slight problem.

What, they can't make the statue as hot as my actual wife?

I lost the picture.

What?

Yeah, I mean, I'm trying to find it.

I just don't know where it is.

You, uh, you lost the topless photo of my wife?

I am searching high and low for it, and we're gonna find it.

I actually have a bunch of people looking for it as well.

You told everyone in your office to look for the naked photo of my wife?!

They don't know what they're looking for.

So what did you tell them?

Just to bring me anything that looks interesting.

Andre, not only did you lose a topless photo of my wife, but it is my main material for spank bank.

I can give you a picture of Aunt Kiki.

What?

She's in a onesie on a houseboat in Lake Havasu.

It's pretty good.

Ugh, disgusting. No.

Find it now!

Just so you know, I'm not r*cist.

I know we got off to a bad start.

I want to get a fresh start.

And I am so sorry I called you Carmanjello.

You know what, I'm gonna let it go.

Take the high road.

I'm taking the high road.

Okay, and I'm gonna take the road next to the high road-- separate but equal roads.

You want that?

I'm gonna give you the affirmative action to take that higher road.

The what?

How in the world you choose those words?

This is amazing.

Okay, look, we're here to what?

Erase the hate, okay?

Right, okay.

We're gonna have a really good time.

This is a high-end men's salon.

And what I've done is I've secured one of the best masseuses...

A white woman would be preferable.

And if you can't get a white woman, get, like, a little Chinese girl.

That a thing you like?

Why would I say it if it wasn't a thing I like, man?

I don't know.

All right, look, back there, you can kind of put on a towel, get a bathrobe.

Just in there?

In there.

Okay.

Oh, God.

Hey. This is great.

I thought you'd be gone.

This is not great.

This is the opposite of great.

I called up and found out when you were coming, so I figured you could come here, you could meet Carmanjello-- I mean, Steve.

Ah, keep on doing that.

I'm just gonna pretend like I don't know you.

I don't want to be a part of your massage on Selma, all right?

Okay.

Hey, man, they don't have any, uh, any robes in there.

Steve, meet my friend Kevin.

Kevin, meet Steve.

How you doing?

Nice to meet you.

Steve.

Let's get you a robe, all right?

Don't do that, man, come on.

All right, want to pound it out?

Okay, nobody wants to get pounded in a day spa.

All right, I'm with it.

I'm jivin' with it.

Nice to meet you, Steve.

You, too, man.

Take care.

Cinnamon.

Hey.

Did you, uh, happen to, uh, find a picture at school, like, a light-skinned Hispanic woman, topless?

What? No!

What, was it on the ground or something?

I had it on me and it fell out.

I haven't seen it, okay?

All right, all right.

Man.

Excuse me, masseuse?

(high-pitched): Yes?

Um... Oh, no.

Oh, yeah, sorry.

I keep on doing that.

Um, I had some lower back pain.

I was wondering if you could go down, like, my coccyx.

It's a weird spot.

I feel a lot of tension there.

Oh, yeah.

Even a little bit lower.

You know, you could just pull the sheet down a little bit and get right...

No, it's no good.

Okay.

This feels really good.

Yeah, get really in there.

(groans)

Harder.

I just get sore in this area.

Yeah, oh, that feels good.

(sighing)

(camera clicks)

The hell?

Are you taking a pic... What?

Whoa, what the hell are you doing in here, man?!

Nothing, nothing!

Why are you in here?!

Oh, you're gonna take a picture of the black man.

A black man is getting a massage-- what a rare thing.

Let's take a picture.

That's r*cist!

Y'all both r*cist!

No, no, no, it's got nothing to do with race!

It's about the color of your skin, that's all!

That's the definition of racism, man!

I'm just here because you're a perfect shade between lucky penny and chocolate ribbon.

You're my cinnamon!

What are you doing, man?

Get out of here!

He's perfect cinnamon!

Whoa, whoa, hold on a second.

Wait, if I'm anything at all, I'm between royal oak and burnt honey.

Well, I would disagree with that.

I mean, beehive is where I had you accurately.

Beehive-- are you kidding me?!

But I'm telling you right now, you're cinnamon.

I am so sorry.

You're sorry?

You should be sorry 'cause this is creepy.

You're a r*cist.

What?!

And you're crazy, all right?

No, no.

What are you talking about?

Uh-uh, I'm leaving.

I'm calling the authorities on both y'all.

Skin tester.

Carmanjello.

"Carmangelo"!

"Carmangelo"!

Say it right now!

Both: "Carmangelo".

g*dd*mn.

Oh, that was awkward.

Did you get the picture that I texted you of the color?

The picture of the black guy, right?

Yes, but let's not say "black guy," okay?

What should I call him, then?

You don't have to call him anything, Taco, you just take the picture to the paint store, tell the man, "Sir, I would like some color in this specific shade of cinnamon."

Black person cinnamon.

No, don't say-- no black people.

(whispering): Don't say "black people."

Stop saying "black people."

Stick to "cinnamon."

Okay.

I need this done today, as fast as humanly possible.

I want to go back into my bed and I want to have intercourse with my wife.

You must really want to have sex.

Is the sex you have even that good?

I don't know, Taco, probably not, but I still want it.

Monogamy is so sad.

Yeah, okay, see you later.

Hey, homegirl.

Hi.

Oh, no.

What are you doing?

I'm putting stickers on Mommy's underwear.

No, no, no, no, no, these are my life savings.

Wait, you can't take Mommy's underwear.

Trust me, I'm doing her a favor.

These are cheap panties you get in a 12-pack at Costco.

Not sexy.

Well, there's that picture you were looking for, Andre.

Good afternoon, sir.

I need you to mix three cans of your cheapest paint in this shade of cinnamon, please.

That's a very pretty shade of cinnamon.

Um, what do you call that?

African-American janitor.

I can mix that for you.

Ho yw do you want to pay?

Forever stamps.

Listen, I apologize for the cheapness and overd all unsexins of the style, but these stamps on here are legal tender.

But they're stamps.

Listen, everybody needs stamps.

Give me a second.

What happened to that shitty paint they recalled?

Great.

This is it.

Is that the cheapest?

That's the cheapest I have, yes, it is.

All right, done.

Okay, all right, then.

I'm just gonna take a couple...

No, no, no, no, no, no, no...

But I want a soda.

Ruxin, babe, have you seen baby Jeffrey's blanket?

What's that?

Oh, my God.

Is this some kind of sick hint?

You want me to get a boob job.

No, no, no, this is like a stress implant.

No, you hate my body.

No, I straight-up love your body.

You hate this breast.

No, I love that breast and I love the other one.

It's one of the main reasons I married you.

I take that statement back already.

Look, I want it to be a surprise, but in full disclosure, I am trying to get a statue made of your body to show you how much I love it.

Andre has a statue guy who's going to do it for us.

Not The Dre guy.

No, no, no, he's not allowed back in the country.

We're gonna go talk to Andre and he will corroborate the whole story, I promise.

(indistinct chatter)

Taco, where are my underwear?

Oh, I spent them.

You gavoue my underwear to people?

I didn't give your underwear to people.

I exchanged them for goods and services.

Who has my underwear?

Uh, I bought something at the pet store, I bought some shin pads at a garage sale.

Some random guy at a garage sale has my underwear right now?

Yeah, and he wouldn't take 'em until I showed him a picture of you, and then he paid me.

Taco.

Students, we have a very important assembly today, and I thank you very much for coming out this afternoon.

Now, you may not know the name Andre Nowzik.

He was a student at this very school, and thanks to a generous donation, these kids' dreams are going to come true.

So now, without further ado, I'd like to present the Andre Nowzik Abstinence Awareness Center.

(applause)

What, what is this?

This is like virgin Christmas.

If I had known that that is what the donation was for, I would have written a check myself.

What is this?

This is your money helping others.

I didn't want this.

I had sex in high school.

Garbage time doesn't count, Andre.

Prom week-- is that garbage time?

You get the job done, you get the job done.

Well, Andre's generous donation is a great start.

That's why I'm encouraging all alumni to donate as well, which is why we have set up the donation cube.

That is filled with my underwear.

I got in the giving spirit.

With my underwear?

Nothing says abstinence like your underwear.

That is not true.

I have some very trashy underwear.

Granny panties in bulk is sad, not trashy, honey.

Get it back.

Excuse me?

Go get my underwear.

No, you go get it.

Sweetheart, go get my underwear.

We actually have some students here from one of our most popular clubs-- the Abstinence Alliance-- and I'm sure they would love to hear directly from you about your life here at North Winnetka as a virgin.

So would you mind?

(applause)

Oh, thank you so much.

I don't mind.

Uh, hate to burst your bubble, but I totally had sex in high school.

That's funny, that's funny.

What is this?

I mean, you want proof?

I'll give you proof.

I had, like, college-level sex in high school, like girl on top of guy, you know, reverse reverse cowgirl-- regular cowgirl, you know.

Hey, hey, it's great to be a virgin in high school.

Hey, it's great.

No, no, it's not, but thank you.

Hey, it's a good thing.

Don't touch me, don't touch me.

You don't want to touch me 'cause you don't know where these hands have been.

I fingered a girl inl y day.

One time a girl told me just to put the tip in, and I did.

(crowd gasping)

What the hell are you doing?

I'm taking back my, my wife's panties.

Jesus, you need underwear, I'll give you some stamps.

You're stealing panties from the donation cube?

No, no, no... These are my panties and they are trashy.

Thank you.

Why can't you just call Andre?

Because he's getting some stupid award.

He's here.

Oh, he can explain everything.

Andre, Andre, hi.

Can you please explain to my wife that I love her body and all of its features so much that I was planning on making a statue in her honor?

Oh, yeah, with that naked picture.

What?

What?

What?

What naked picture?

The one from your honeymoon-- the topless one.

I thought you deleted that.

You know, you should be complimented.

Most men will not masturbate to their wives.

Oh, my God, you're kiing.

Babe, it's not a problem 'cause the picture's gone.

Yeah, I lost it.

Where?

I don't know where.

Why does everyone ask me that?

If I knew where it was, it wouldn't be lost, right?

Bottom line is, it's gone, okay, babe, so...

(laughter)

What is... What... What is that?

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

Found it.

What happened?

W-What is it doing there?

It's not coming up.

It's waxed into the floor.

Andre, what did you do?

What did I do?

I didn't do anything.

I can't believe this is happening.

Okay, we can deal with this.

I don't even want you masturbating to me.

You are on your own.

You got to do what you got to do, guys.

Got it.

All your teachers smoke pot.

Babe.

All right, priming complete.

We have our cinnamon paint, courtesy of Carmanjello, so let's get this thing going and we can get Ellie back in here and we can get our room back.

Well, we don't really need our room back right now because Ellie is watching a video with headphones.

Really?

You dirty dog.

Oh, boy.

Yeah?

That's so cool.

I love it.

Mom, you're checking Dad's zipper for zipper fairies, right?

She didn't find any.

I think they're dead.