03x10 - The Light of Genesis

[bunniefuu]

Nice force.

Nice arm bar, AJ, yes.

Kevin.

Good aggression.

Looking really good.

Kevin: Thank you.

Nice.

Are you sure we're not supposed to wear a cup?

Somebody just bumped my twig.

I'm sure your twig is going to be just fine.

Okay.

Are you sure you're not an athlete?

Well, I used to do Zumba at the Y, but... this is a little different.

Looking really good.

Thank you.

All right, guys.

Everybody partner up.

Oh, Kev, you're with me.

Yeah, over here.

Okay.

In Krav Maga, we want to be able to defend ourselves from any situation, any angle.

Your assailant can come at you with a big bear hug, so... come on, bear hug, right?

Okay.

Yeah, grab me, right?

So we've been through some of the frontal att*cks, but today, I really want to focus on coming from behind.

Put your hands on my chest.

On my... on my chest.

Okay.

Chest, right?

You're going to grab the assailant's right thumb out to the side, step, elbow... and spin around.

Assailant is down-- mount and finish him off!

Dismount, one more time-- mount and finish him off!

Got that?

You okay, Kevin?

You good?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Andre: And the problem is what?

I just feel like I'm crossing a line.

She was hitting on me, essentially.

Taco: And then she blew you?

There's no blow jobs.

Yeah, it's Krav Maga.

Taken classes before.

You do all that stuff, and then they blow you in the bathroom.

No, no, there's no blow jobs.

No, you're not doing Krav Maga.

Okay, here's what I'm going to do.

I'm just going to tell Jenny.

That way, we can clear the air and she doesn't have to...

Ruxin: No, no, no, no.

Why?

You don't tell Jenny.

Why?

Because you've done nothing wrong.

You're not cheating on her.

This is all incidental contact, okay?

I'm within five yards, so it's kind of...

That's bump and run.

That's bump and run.

Enjoy the sport.

It's sex with someone else.

It has nothing to do with Jenny.

Pete: Thank you!

You want to start a prank w*r with me?

Oh, you got my gifts?

They're not gifts when you subscribe someone to 40 obscure magazines and bill them later.

Young Miss, uh, Surgery Today, Bass Chasers... Ooh.

Polish Food Monthly?

There's a lot to be learned about pierogis.

How about Miniature Donkey Talk?

How do you feel about that one?

I feel like regular donkey talk is too broad of a topic.

There's one in here I can't even bring myself to touch yet.

It's called Him.

Oh, I love Him.

Did a great article on cravats.

Yeah, I filled it out at Andre's loft.

You may have won the battle on this one, but I will destroy you.

Who's got the bass fishing one?

I do-- Bass Chasers.

Let me see it.

Oh, there's an article...

I like the fish one.

Oh, g*dd*mn it, Taco.

This is ruined.

Who cares?

It's just a tie.

Well, I have to wear them every day, so... and they're expensive, I have a limited amount.

You know what would make it easier?

If there were a service like Netflix, but for neckties.

You know, you don't have to buy a bunch of ties-- you just get two in the mail every week, return them once you wear them, get two new ones.

Neckflix-- Netflix, but for neckties.

Or you can skip the ties entirely and just go with the T-necks.

Oh, you mean like a foreskin for your neck.

It's not foreskin.

Taco, that might be legitimately the best idea you've ever come up with.

Seriously.

What about the live rocking horse?

$30 of wood, a hammer and some nails turns that useless horse into a beloved children's toy.

(doorbell rings)

Hello.

Hi.

Ugh.

We're from the Light of Genesis, here to deliver your specialty Bible.

Thank you for checking the box online that said that you'd like to learn more about our organization in person.

Yeah, very funny, Pete.

Very good payback prank.

We'd like to just talk to you a little bit about the Light of Genesis.

This is probably that point in the conversation you're all too familiar with, where I shut the door in your faces.

He's forsaken the path to truth just as Pettigrew's ankle has forsaken him.

Whoa, I'm sorry, you just said something about...

Brandon Pettigrew?

Yes, woe has befallen Pettigrew's ankle, and the Lord today will see him paying penance for it on the bench.

When did this happen?

Oh, just this morn, but Tony Scheffler will heed the call.

(cell phone beeping)

Well, Scheffler's light has faded since Denver.

But he will rise again in Detroit.

How did you find this out before me?

Our religion, the Light of Genesis, forbids any dr*gs or alcohol or engaging in sexual intercourse with women, so our only real peccadillo is fantasy football, and we love it.

It's our one clean vice.

Praise be. Praise be.

Praise be.

Praise "C," huh.

Jenny: Hey, I'm not going to win the Shiva if I don't get a running back.

You have very nice running backs.

I do.

Are you offering me bacon for a running back?

For a running back.

Nope.

You are on your own, and Daddy has his own problems to worry about.

I'm going to go to work, but I wanted to see what you were thinking about for dinner tonight.

You have Krav Maga after work.

About the Krav Maga-- I have a distinct feeling that my Krav Maga teacher is... like... hitting on me-- like, sexually.

Really?

Yeah, she's, like, in... into me.

Sounds like she has a wicked case of the Kevins.

That's right, she does.

What if the whole class catches a case of the Kevins?

Now you're making a joke of the whole situation.

I got a lot to offer.

Which is the problem.

So you go to that class and get less fat.

Well, you're the one that gave me bacon.

That was business.

Go.

Fine.

Okay, Mrs. Crabtree.

Jenny?

Hey.

What's going on?

Oh, I made up a fake name to be discreet.

It was silly-- I know.

You want to get this little miss "A" cup into a "C" cup.

Am I right?

What? No!

Get a little Botox, maybe?

No, I'm good.

I got it.

You want to surprise Kevin with a little vaginal rejuvenation surgery.

No.

What I am about to share with you does not leave this room.

It's a secret?

Yes.

Oh, well, you can tell me anything.

Okay, just back up a little bit, all right?

Okay, uh... it's called bedside manner, okay?

Yeah, bedside, not in my bed.

Fine, I'll back up.

All right.

Okay.

I need a tattoo removed.

Jenny, come on.

That's nothing to be embarrassed about.

It's just, I have a daughter.

I'd like to raise her to be a classy lady.

(chuckles) Ellie?

Good luck.

What does that mean?

Nothing.

Sorry.

Okay, uh...

I've seen hundreds of these.

No reason to be embarrassed, okay?

Oh... oh, my.

"Pleasure chest"?

Wow.

Does Kevin know about this?

Does... Yes.

We have a kid together.

How much was this in use if you needed to advertise it as a location stop on your body?

Look, I don't need your medical opinion on how horrible this tattoo is.

Okay, you know, this is easy.

Two, three sessions max, we'll just laser it right off.

You're not going to say a word, right?

I mean, look who I am.

I'm a doctor.

You can trust me.

I will not betray you.

Not a word.

Not a word.

Not a word, Andre!

Not a word.

Good, AJ, good.

90-degree angles-- keep that, with the wrist on wrist.

Ow!

Boop! (laughs)

That's not funny, dude.

Don't go near my d*ck.

Sorry.

Okay, boys, bring it in.

Bring it in.

All right, we're going to review some moves now.

I'm going to need a volunteer.

Right here.

Um... Kevin, come.

Uh, Pete-- he's new.

He's my buddy.

Yeah, yeah.

Go get 'em, Pete!

How's it going?

All right, we're going to, uh, go over some of the frontal att*cks.

Frontal.

And let's start with the double-hand grab, okay?

Frontal two-handed grab?

Just... all right.

Feel like I should buy you a drink first or something.

Don't make it awkward.

Grab me.

All right, let's get to it.

Okay.

(Pete yells)

The old one-hander?

Is that...?

No, uh, maybe you're a lefty.

Here we go.

(grunting and groaning)

That's how you repel a two-handed grab.

You see that?

Oh... busted!

Nothing sexual about that.

Knocked your ass out, son.

(Pete groaning)

d*ck.

All right, we're going to go over one more move, you guys.

Okay...

Kevin, I need you as a volunteer.

Come here.

We're going to go over a new move called the Lever.

Remember, we're going to start with your hands on my chest.

Hands on my chest.

There you go-- right there.

We're going to do a double thumb break, step to the side, groin, elbow up and pop to the face.

All right?

I'm going to break that down.

Groin, elbow up, to the face.

Groin, elbow up and to the face.

Groin is very sensitive.

Very important in Krav Maga.

Groin, elbow up.

Groin, elbow up.

Got it?

And then to the face.

Really good.

Thank you.

Really god job, Kevin.

Okay, think we got that one.

Are you sure it wasn't a graze?

No, no, it wasn't a graze.

It was at least a half full stroke.

So what exactly constitutes a stroke?

Like, are we talking about when you're sitting on the couch and you do a lift and separate?

Oh, no, that's a classic rerack-- that's involuntary.

So this was, like, a coordinated effort?

Know what?

Maybe I have it wrong.

Maybe I was the one out of line.

Could have been part of the move.

It could have been part of the move.

Is that what we think Krav Maga is?

The old lsraeli art of hand jibber to hand jibber combat?

I don't know what to do.

I told Jenny, and she said I was overreacting.

Whoa!

Okay, then you have a loophole, my friend.

It is not cheating; it is Krav Maga.

This is your little secret.

Enjoy it.

Actually, as long as we are telling secrets, um, I have a great one.

Nobody cares.

How about we do it like a blind item?

What person who we all know was in a very unusual place?

Ooh, I know-- Andre, in a woman's vag*na.

There it is.

That's a strange place for you to be.

If you have something to tell us, then tell us.

I can't.

Doctor-patient confidentiality.

Oop, I've said too much.

We really don't care.

Fine, you don't deserve to know.

I'm going to leave it for myself on voice mail because I need to say it out loud.

Okay, bye.

Oh, Andre.

Okay, so... We still don't care.

Please leave.

Thank you.

All right, just keep it together.

Hello, friend.

Hi.

Is there a problem?

Uh... yeah, actually.

I have this secret, and it's so good, and it's burning a hole in me.

I just got to tell somebody.

Can I tell you?

Of course.

We all have secrets.

Wow, okay.

My best friend, Jenny, is married to my best friend, Kevin.

Now, Jenny comes to my work 'cause she's got a tattoo; she wants me to remove it.

And I was like, "Does Kevin know about it?"

She's like, "Yeah, Kevin knows about it."

Sir, you might want to sort of streamline the information.

Oh, yeah, so she's like, "I need this removed."

And I'm like, "Please.

I could do that, no problem."

You guys notice Ruxin made some pretty bold lineup choices for Thursday night's game?

He started Marshawn Lynch against Philly, and it actually worked.

Where is he getting his intel?

And as the Lord turns his all-seeing eye onto Carolina's backfield this week, do you think it's praise be Jonathan Stewart or praise be DeAngelo Williams?

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

What's that?

Is that Ruxin?

And who is he with?

He doesn't have any friends.

We'll just have to look at a couple things, but...

Hey, Ruxin, what the hell is going on?

Oh, I found salvation.

You see, we've been spreading the Good Word in the neighborhood with my brothers, Gabriel, Ezekiel, Julian and Hank.

Hey, friend.

How are you?

Uh, we should get out of here, right, guys?

No, no, we need to meet Ruxin's friends.

See you, weird guys.

Thank you for bringing me to the Light of Genesis.

Your friends seem nice, but lost and wandering.

You know, we could help them.

Yeah, I think they're beyond salvation, just like the 49ers' defense.

Seriously, what's going on with the 49ers' defense?

So you got Ruxin to join a cult?

That's it-- prank w*r is over.

You won, buddy.

You know, normally I would agree, but something's wrong.

He's legitimately into it.

Yeah, maybe it's their awesome ties.

Man, that is the kind of inventory I need at Neckflix.

Speaking of which, your first two ties have arrived.

Oh... um, I got a tie that I already own.

That's why I'm saying I need more ties.

All I have is 15 of his stupid, ugly ties.

I'm not paying for this.

Well, then, you're going to have to pay the $200 cancellation fee.

Oh, praise be, my brothers.

What is with all this cult sh*t?

You look like a guy who gets b*at up by the Mormons.

Oh, laugh all you want, Kevin, but the Light of Genesis has helped guide me through life's most thorny questions.

Like what?

Like: who will the Patriots' number one receiver be this weekend?

Praise be Wes Welker or praise be Rob Gronkowski?

The cult guys are into fantasy football?

My brothers are God's fantasy warriors.

We share our knowledge with one another.

Wait a second.

So they're probably not good about keeping secrets, are they?

Whatever my brother knows, I know.

Is Jenny home?

Yeah, she's floating around somewhere.

Be right back.

Poor lost Andre.

I remember when I was like him, but that'll all change on Sunday when I'm officially baptized into the Light of Genesis and all of their knowledge will be mine.

You're joining a cult to get fantasy football information?

Oh, Pete, "cult" is such a pejorative term, like "creep" or Andre.

Nay, the Light of Genesis is a path than can help one visualize one's life, and the visualization that I have right now is of me holding the Shiva.

That's it-- visualization.

Crazy Cult Ruxin, tell Lawyer Ruxin to write this down.

I need to apply visualization to Neckflix.

I can no longer be your lawyer, as I serve a higher power now.

There is no higher power than Taco Corp.

Peace be with you, my brothers, and also with backup Oakland running back, Taiwan Jones.

I'm going to (bleep) crush you guys this week.

I knew it-- he's in there.

Hey, Jenny.

Can I sit down?

Sure.

I just want you to know that I value our friendship paramount to anything else.

Okay.

I told your secret to somebody.

No... Andre!

I didn't mean to.

I didn't... I told a stranger, and I thought it was going to be okay, but now that stranger's not a stranger; he's part of Ruxin's cult, and now everyone's going to know about it.

I'm so sorry.

I just want you to know, I will do anything to make this up to you.

You want a boob job?

I don't need a boob job.

Mmm... I don't!

I'll throw in the vaginal rejuvenation, too.

We'll be all... You know what?

I don't want you anywhere near my business, and you clearly can't be trusted.

I will do anything.

Look at me-- I'm on bended knee.

I am hurt.

I am betrayed.

I want Rashard Mendenhall and LeSean McCoy.

Yes, yes!

That will make it better?

Friends trade, right?

Here it is-- trade accepted.

Friends?

We'll work on it.

(door slams)

Jesus.

Take it easy.

Oh, wow.

It's creepier than I thought.

Only a place this creepy would take Ruxin.

Some of the Light of Genesis's teachings aren't that creepy.

I've been visualizing my Neckflix business plan and, of course, listening to Abacab.

And let me tell you...

Taco, nobody cares about visualizing, all right?

Can we just get Ruxin and get out of here before he wins...

Hello.

Hi.

Hello.

Welcome, friends.

Hey, how are you?

There's so many of them.

Welcome to the Light of Genesis.

How may we show you... The light?

A little bit faster.

Well, thanks for the, uh, welcome.

We are big fans of what you guys have going on here.

Huge Genesis guys.

You know, to cut to the chase, we want in.

Well, before we can share the light with you, you have to share the light with one another.

We'll lead by example.

Okay, you turn to your partner, and you just extend the fellow finger-- just the tip-- touch it and express your appreciation.

I appreciate your smile, and I like how you say my name in your sleep.

I like that you watch over me when I dream, and I like the tiny shoulders that surround your head.

It's easy.

Now you try.

No.

No.

I'll try it.

No, no, you... Yeah, come on.

We'll do it-- me and you.

Yeah, you're going to need a partner.

Go ahead, Kevin.

No, I don't want to do it.

Come on, try it.

All right, do you have to...

He doesn't have to do the... the... this, right?

It does feel better.

It's optional, but you should.

Can you just do it Western grip, please?

Thank you.

Okay, fine, if I must.

Kevin, I know you may disapprove of your wife's tattoo, but I find it very...

What are you talking about-- tattoo?

It's okay-- we're in a safe circle right now.

Secret is out, and, uh, we can all share it.

Jenny has a tattoo.

She does not have a tattoo.

The pleasure chest-- show him.

I don't have a tattoo.

In fact, what I showed you the other day was fake.

I don't have a tattoo.

You tricked me.

But what I do have-- pinky up-- because of your generosity, I have Rashard Mendenhall and LeSean McCoy, sucker!

I'll pinky on that.

You like that, guys?

Pinky love!

I'll just finger myself, thank you.

It's lovely to see you all sharing in the light, and I wish we could stay here and bathe with you, but I have a baptism to attend to.

I'll be here even in my absencee hugging you with my mind.

Baptism!

You know, that is something we would really like to see.

The baptism is only for elder members.

Julian... come on.

Come on, you can let us in.

Well, I... I'm on thin ice already.

Julian, we can be your new best friends.

Five new best friends, Julian.

Okay, okay, okay.

May the light of Genesis be with you.

Initiate, please kneel.

Oh, Jesus, Ruxin.

Today we welcome a new member.

Shh, shh, please, just stay here and be very quiet.

(whispers): You got it.

Okay, enjoy the show.

We'll be right here.

We're not going anywhere, okay?

Let us all bow our heads and collect our thoughts in our bowl of consciousness.

Oop, there's no room.

You brought your lineup?

Yes. Why should Ruxin get all the help?

You know, there's a lot room in this row.

Just shh! Get back.

Please.

That felt good.

Rise, initiate, and join me at the baptismal.

Guys, where's Taco?

Bathroom... (door creaks)

Hmm.

Whoa! It worked!

Visualize, manifestize.

(chuckles)

There are enough ties here to keep Neckflix in business for years.

There's something for every demographic, every occasion.

World Cup, poor person wedding, your own funeral.

Oh... thank you, Phil Collins, Tony Banks, and to a lesser extent, Mike Rutherford.

I forgive you guys for We Can't Dance. Oh!

I am the light.

Glory be to the word of truth.

I am the light.

Glory be to the word of truth...

(coyly): and my lineup.

Now let us join hands and express our appreciation.

Really?

I got to touch pinkies with you?

Your soul to me is like an eagle; it's ready to soar.

You have hair like a lady.

Thank you.

Guys, this is bad.

We got to stop this.

I cannot have another year of the brain of Ruxin.

Do you accept the church?

Mm-hmm.

Do you promise to live by its rules and obey its code?

Totally.

And once we all invite you into the League of the Light of Genesis, do you swear to forsake all other leagues?

Well... Really?

Is he gonna do this?

My God.

Do you also swear to renounce other deities and false idols?

Mm-hmm.

(whispers): Shiva...

Why are you resisting?

(whispers): Shiva... She sees you.

Brother Ruxin... (Ruxin grunts)

...you have to accept before you tip your head.

I just need a minute.

Brother Ruxin?

What will it be, Brother Ruxin?

Ow! I can't! No!

Shiva Komedi Somakanakram!

We got our boy back!

Whoo!

Yes!

I am in one cult, and it is the cult of Shiva.

And I'm the Grand Poobah of that mother!

Yeah!

Boo! Face, son!

Excuse me, Taco, how did Neckflix begin?

Well, I had a dream, I visualized it, and I stole a bunch of ties from the church.

Hey, Kev.

You walking to the lot?

Yeah.

Me, too. I'll walk with you.

Buddy system. (chuckles)

So, uh, this is me.

Ah, this is me.

God, you're doing so amazing in class.

You're k*lling it, Kevin.

I'm really impressed.

It's cold. (shivers)

I sweat a lot.

I mean, not just in class, but, like, right now.

When I get home, sometimes I'm so tired, I won't even take a shower.

I just lay in my own filth.

Wallet and car keys now.

How are you supposed to drive two cars?

Oh, my God.

(both grunting)

Kevin, finish him off!

Do the Lever!

I can do this: groin, elbow, groin...

What are you doing?!

I'm doing the Lever, the move that you do on me!

I was hitting on you!

What? I'm married.

I'm married, too!

Get off my crank, man!

Okay, okay, you know what?

You know what, I can't, I can't do this.

I'm sorry.

Kevin!

I'm just gonna back to Zumba at the Y.

It's more my speed.

But thank you so much for all the material from my yank bank.

Kevin!

What are we gonna do with this?

Get the (bleep) out of here!