03x12 - St. Pete

[bunniefuu]

Kevin: A toast.

To the McArthurs in the playoffs.

Jenny: Cheers to that.

Yeah.

And not just two McArthurs in the playoffs.

How about Taco?

Well, that boy just rode Arian Foster the entire way.

Taco versus Andre-- that is a frittata versus a fantasy frittata.

Either way, one of us is playing a frittata for the Shiva!

It's crazy.

It's so good.

I was thinking, this year it'd be really fun to do a friendly wager.

Mmm.

Between us.

Okay.

If I win... Mm-hmm.

...I would like to have another baby.

Wow.

There, I said it.

Really do.

I was thinking, like, a month of back rubs, but...

We could do both.

All right, Kevin McArthur, if you bring home a healthy six-pound Shiva trophy, I will cook you one sweet healthy McArthur baby.

This is great!

I am so excited, you have no idea.

Yeah?

I'm telling you, you're not gonna regret this.

Yeah?

I have so much on the line now.

(Jenny coughing) gotta win.

I mean, look, yes, it's gonna be a change in our life-- Are you okay?

(Jenny coughing)

All right, just get it down the right pipe.

Easy.

All right, relax.

Did you just check the TV?

While I'm choking?

No, I-- you know, there was a... a little ticker at the bottom about LaGarrette Blount.

But that-- I was, I was concerned about you.

Are you okay?

Yeah.

I'm so much better now.

So strong when you're angry.

I just glanced away for a second to see the LaGarrette Blount ticker, and I was right back.

Taco: Yeah, it's not like you're responsible for her safety or anything.

Well, theoretically I am.

Ruxin: 'Cause you're more attractive than she is.

Look, babe, I just got to a meeting, so I got to roll.

Pete: Lies, lies.

But I will talk to you when you get ho-- H-Hello? Hello?

What happened?

Dropped the call.

I pay $150 a month, and my phone can't complete calls.

The app I want for my phone is "phone."

You know what, you could develop that app, now that you have all this free time in the losers' bracket, away from the Shiva Bowl.

Oh, you know what, you could help me with it.

Andre: Actually, you both are one loss away from being in the Sacko.

How the mighty have fallen.

First to worst.

(ringtone playing)

Oh, Sofia's calling me.

Hey, girlfriend.

No, he's not in a meeting, he's at the bar with me.

Uh, I don't know.

Were you in an accident?

Every time I have a dropped call, she thinks I've been in an accident.

Are you okay?

No, I got decapitated, you platypus.

I don't know.

He says he got decapitated.

Give me that phone.

Hey, baby.

No, it just dropped the call.

Why are people so obsessed about finding out why you dropped the call?

All of a sudden, everyone becomes a cell phone Columbo.

"I think it was the truck, or maybe it was the hills."

Okay, babe, I'll pick up the roast chicken.

I love you, I love you.

(sighs)

See you later.

Bye-bye, buddy.

Marital bliss.

You know, the choking, the accidents-- we're living in a dangerous world.

That's why I want you to all know that I am available to be your ICE.

Ice?

What's ice?

No, no, "in case of emergency" contact.

I got Jenny.

I've got...

Yeah, mine's my homeless friend Doak.

Doak doesn't have a phone.

He has a walkie-talkie.

All right, well, I'm offering you guys an upgrade.

I'm a doctor, I'm available at all times.

Actually, could I get Doak's contact from you?

I could use a backup.

All you need to do is buy a walkie-talkie, turn it to channel six.

Channel six, got it.

Thank you.

You know what, think about it.

We don't have to make a decision right now.

The door is open.

Eh, close it.

Close that up.

Close it up.

Door's unlocked, so you can just keep on opening it up.

Just do a little...

Guess what, I'm by the window.

Hi, guys.

Oh, we got to nail that one down.

This one over here, too, all right?

Just close.

Paint it shut.

There we go.

Put them there.

What's this?

(making expl*si*n noises)

You blew up the house.

You should call your ICE.

I don't have one.

(sighs): Ooh.

Hey, I can use Doak?

Mm, he's got a lot on his plate.

I thought I was gonna be in the playoffs, at least.

I certainly didn't think I was gonna end up in the g*dd*mn Sacko Bowl.

No one ever does.

Guess I just feel like, is this it?

Like, is this really my life?

You ever just... you ever just think about throwing it all away?

Just take a little step, and all of a sudden, you're just...

Hey, hey, hey, hey.

No, no, no, no, no.

Stop! Stop it! Stop.

I'm just saying, Kevin.

I've decided to commit Shivacide.

No, you can't do that.

Benching players to intentionally lose is against the rules.

So is changing the draft order at the front of the season.

You know I did not want to do that.

Kevin, this is very simple.

The teams with the two worst records end up in the Sacko Bowl.

If I lose this week, no matter whether Ruxin wins or loses, he ends up in the Sacko Bowl with me, and I know that I can crush him there.

Wait, are you sure?

Yes, I've done my homework.

I've looked at the tiebreakers, I've crunched all the numbers.

I sacrifice myself for the greater good of the league.

You're like an angel.

I prefer saint.

Saint Peter.

Bless you, my son.

Lunch?

Yeah, let's do that.

Guys, I know I've been chewing your ear off all year about Taco Corp.

Yeah.

Yes.

You guys are probably really sick of hearing about it.

Definitely.

Absolutely.

Because it's not real.

Finally.

Thank you.

That's why I've decided to incorporate Taco Corp for real.

(others groan)

Ruxin, as my lawyer and wartime consigliere, I need to discuss these matters further with you.

All right, Ruxin, before we get to business, buy me a drink.

Why?

'Cause in business, the host buys the visitor the drinks.

You invited me for the drink, Taco.

Yeah, but you're my lawyer, so you're probably gonna do most of the talking.

Hey, hey, hey.

That's my phone.

Give me that back.

What are you doing?

Oh, nothing.

I just added myself as your ICE.

Now you can call each other and talk about not being in the playoffs.

"Hey, Andre, it's Pete.

It's an emergency.

I'm not in the playolas, and I'm not sure I ever will be."

Andre, you accepted your own Facebook invitation to me?

Yes.

It was sitting there for ages.

No, seven years.

And the reason I want you for this job is because I respect you.

I don't respect you at all.

And the reason I respect you is because you remind me of a young me.

You're younger than me.

Wide-eyed, naive, stealing other people's mail.

And you're a decent lawyer.

Not the best, but you're a friend.

You're not my friend.

You can have a whole career at Taco Corp.

I have no interest.

And you get to work very closely with me.

I can't stand being around you.

We'd be glad to have you.

I'm not doing it.

Welcome on board.

I have no interest in being on your board, Taco.

And it makes me crazy that you somehow drooled your way to the playoffs, and so it ends right now.

I cannot say it clear enough: no.

Fine, we'll just part ways and you'll buy me that drink.

It's like talking to a block of marble.

I just can't get it up for college football.

It's kind of weird to just watch a football game with no ulterior motives or agendas.

Ellie, I hope you're doing your own homework in there and not having Uncle Taco do it for you.

All right.

Don't talk to her like she's a child.

She is a child, Taco.

And I'll know if the homework is done by you, honey, okay?

The handwriting.

No one will be able to tell.

That's not a compliment.

You realize that, right?

All right, just... If he keeps helping her, she's gonna get left back.

Hey, did you see my lineup this week?

It is on.

Okay, what have you done?

Hakeem Nicks-- eh, I don't know.

Looked like he was maybe limping a little bit.

What if I start Percy Harvin instead?

Slow subtle maneuvers.

And, yeah, Saint Pete will have his ass handed to him in week 15, but Ruxin's players are all on teams that are going to the playoffs.

Mm-hmm.

So they're gonna be sitting on the bench in Week 16, and I will crush him.

That's the way it should be.

Putting a beard on Andre and making him play flute?

Nothing.

That's nothing compared to what's coming.

Child's play.

Now, check this out.

I have come up with a couple of things I wanted to show you.

I've run some very extensive scenarios.

What the hell is this?

And I've come up with this-- an alternate season.

(whispers): If we didn't cheat.

Don't say that.

Now, look, the draft order would essentially have been Ruxin first, and he probably would've taken Adrian Peterson.

But it's almost irrelevant when you crunch all the numbers, and I still would've made the playoffs.

The trajectory that I'm on to the Shiva would've happened anyway.

All right, you need to take this and put this back in your Trapper Keeper, and you need to do a better job hiding it than you did with that g*n of yours.

Pete, Pete!

What's the emergency?

Andre, thank God you're here.

Just in time.

I need a ride home.

That's not an emergency.

Well, it's an emergency to me.

And while you're up, could I get a Bud Light, too?

Okay, no, we have to talk about what constitutes an actual emergency.

Well, if you get him a beer like you're supposed to, then he won't be able to drive home; hence the emergency.

Just having, like, second thoughts about this whole ICE thing.

Andre, you're a doctor; you took an oath.

Look, this is not some episode of Diff'rent Strokes where I'm Willis's butler for a week.

A Hippocratic oath.

More like hypocritic oath.

Yeah.

Okay, I'll get you a beer.

Awesome, thanks.

Can I get one, too?

No.

He needs it; it's an emergency.

(groans): Ah, I'm thirsty.

Fine.

Thank you.

I'm getting beers.

Help yourself.

What are you doing?

I'm helping Ellie with her assignment.

It's to draw her hero.

And for some weird reason, she chose her father.

Aw!

And here's the picture.

Oh... What is this?

Why am I naked?!

Ellie did not draw that.

No, no, no, I helped her with this one.

Taco, she can't bring this into a second grade classroom!

I'm sorry the crotchal region is not flattering, but it's accurate.

It's inappropriate, is what it is.

Are you upset about the bend?

Look, that's a McArthur family tradition.

No, it's a lilt, first of all.

Whoa.

That's a bend.

Anything past 19 degrees is a bend.

I can fix that if you want.

No.

Technically, that's a medical emergency.

You are never touching my d*ck again.

You give me the sign, I'll do it at night.

Taco, the fact that you drew an anatomically correct version of my husband is just wrong.

Not 100% anatomically...

I gave you an extra inch... No.

...because it's about hero worship, right?

(Jenny sighs)

What's wrong with her?

And what's even more creepy is that you used an actual photograph for my head.

Yeah, dicks: great at drawing them.

Balls: not so much.

Faces: not at all.

Why don't you just concentrate a little more on faces?

I still got a lot of work to do on dicks.

But then again, I'm my harshest critic.

DeMarco Murray is out, which means Felix Jones will be cleaning up.

Let's take a little walk over to the waiver wire, and guess who's got number one priority on the waiv...

Taco?

(sighs)

(line rings)

Hello?

Hey, Taco!

Ruxin.

Yeah, I want to take you out to dinner, and just, like, pick your brain.

Huh?

Come on, Taco and Ruxin... BFFs.

It's not in there!

How do you lose a briefcase?

I don't know.

Ellie plays with things, she moves things around.

How am I supposed to keep track?

(gasps)

Oh!

What?

Change.

That's not important.

We're looking for the stupid alternative league universe thing you created.

Hey, I worked really hard on that.

Well, you better work harder on finding it.

Well, what am I supposed to do?!

I don't know where it is!

Well, we have a lot to talk about, so I'm glad you agreed to business dinner with me.

To have a business dinner.

No, we're gonna business dinner.

Last week, I business dinnered with Doak.

Taco, "business dinner" is not a verb.

Yes, it is.

Like "moonwalk" or "karate."

Okay.

I don't want you to worry about the cost of the business dinnering tonight.

It's on me.

All right, buddy?

I can pay, Taco.

'Cause you're basically a homeless person.

Um, Ellie, have you seen Daddy's briefcase?

Oh, yeah.

Uncle Taco took it for his dinner meeting with Ruxin.

Dinner meet-- what do you mean "dinner meeting"?

It's for Taco Corp.

It's the end of the fiscal year.

God, okay.

If Ruxin sees what's in that briefcase, this whole season is toast.

All right, all right, relax.

Honey, did Uncle Taco tell you where he was holding that business dinner?

Well, not exactly, but he gave me these to play with.

He gave you matches?

"Obscura."

That's that stupid restaurant downtown.

You're gonna love this place.

It's dining in the dark.

Dining in the dark?

Welcome to Obscura, where the only sense you need is your sense of taste.

Is this joker blind?

This joker is blind, but he's not deaf.

All of our staff have been trained to provide excellent service in complete darkness.

Thank you, Joker.

Come this way.

This is gonna be great.

And totally not awkward.

Come this way.

Give me your hand.

(Ruxin sighs)

Mm, someone napped in their car this afternoon.

Wasn't my car.

How dark we talking here?

Jesus, it's pitch black.

(thump)

Ow!

Watch your step.

You got it, Joker.

Is this the kitchen door?

Okay, you ready to do this?

Yeah, let's do it.

Let's hit it.

Boom!

Get it.

Quiet.

Let's go.

(people chattering)

(whispering): Holy sh*t, it works.

This is awesome.

Okay.

(whispering): I don't know what that means.

What are you doing?

Come in and split up.

What's wrong with you?

All right.

Waiter, waiter, waiter.

Back up, back up.

(sniffing)

I hope you're enjoying your dining experience.

Mm-hmm.

Wait, there he is, there he is.

Oh.

Okay, go.

...in-depth business plan.

I'll lay it out in my briefcase, which I will bring out in a few seconds.

Mm-hmm.

The first investment I'm thinking: underwater theme parks.

Uh-huh. Uh-huh.

So I wanted to hear your opinion on some of the ideas that I had.

That's awesome.

And I know that you're very--

Did you, did you take my wine?

No.

Maybe you just have no sense of where things are anymore.

No, no, no, I'm used to being in the dark.

I drank out of a puddle when I was seven, was blind for a week.

Since I'm now part of the Taco Corp family, you know how you have the priority on the waiver wire this week?

Mm-hmm.

And I was thinking, maybe if you just sort of sat back, then I could come in and grab Felix Jones.

Okay, well, you see, all my instincts are telling me to say no right now.

But I think there's a little guy on my shoulder telling me to say yes.

So, you got it.

Yes!

Now that we've filled our stomachs, I would like to show you my business plan.

And it is in my briefcase.

It's gonna be hard to read, but I'm gonna bring that out for you.

Uh-huh.

(blowing)

Did someone open the window?

I don't know, Taco.

I got some pepperoni wind in my face.

And here.

(both laugh)

Yes!

That was awesome!

We just did that!

Let's see the loot.

It's all paperwork, stuff for work...

Maybe it's in that one.

All right, hold on.

Let me look in this one.

What?

Stupid Taco.

You know what?

Think I left it at work.

(laughs): You dumb-ass.

I know.

Oh, well.

The most important thing is, if it's not in there, Ruxin didn't see it.

Okay, yeah.

You still got to find this thing, though.

(laughs)

Want me to give you a lift home?

No, this sounds like an emergency.

I think I'll, uh, call Andre.

Ah, good idea.

So big there...

Dez Bryant's out?

It's two hours before game time.

All right, I need somebody on the waiver wire here.

(siren wailing)

Oh, no! Crap.

Hi. I am so sorry, Officer.

Well, you know why I pulled you over?

Texting while driving.

I'm actually not texting.

Was changing my lineup.

Well, it's the same thing-- using your phone while operating a vehicle.

I'm gonna have to give you a ticket.

Okay.

License, registration, proof of insurance, please?

Sure. There you go.

Can I ask you a question?

Okay.

Jabar Gaffney, Lance Moore-- your gut.

'Cause I have been down the Lance Moore path many a time.

I don't know who those characters are.

What kind of game are you playing?

Characters? They're not...

Is it World of Warcraft?

It's not World of Warcraft.

These are football players.

Jabar sounds like a wizard to me.

Yeah, I wish he was a wizard at touchdowns.

Okay, sir, could you put your phone down?

Okay.

Sir, put the phone down.

Okay.

Sir, clearly, you're still doing it.

Sorry, I'm sorry. I just...

Put down the phone, sir.

It's a playoff week.

I mean, you're writing me a ticket for texting, so let me just text.

It's, like, if you're gonna arrest me for m*rder, let me m*rder the person.

m*rder? All right, sir, step out of the car.

That was a bad example.

Step out of the car, sir!

I didn't m*rder anybody.

Just give me the phone.

No, just one second, just one second...

Give me the phone!

Hello?

Hey, hey! It's Andre!

Where you been?

I've been texting you all morning.

What's going on?

My car got impounded, and I need 500 bucks to get it out.

So can you come down here and pick me up?

You know what, I'm already at Kevin's.

That's not super convenient.

Well, this is an emergency.

You're my emergency contact.

That's the thing, Andre.

I'm not your emergency contact anymore.

What do you mean you're not my emergency contact?

I traded you to Taco.

What?! I don't want Taco as my emergency contact.

I wouldn't even trust him to do my laundry.

Hey, I had to throw in Jason Witten just to sweeten the deal.

Jason Witten?

With Dez Bryant out, he's gonna crush me.

You know, he's playing me this week.

Whoa. God, that does sound like an emergency.

Coming, Andre! Don't worry!

I'll save you!

Oh, great, here he comes.

Have fun.

Don't worry about it.

Thank you so much.

Mwah! See you later.

What's your emergency?

My car got impounded.

What I need to do is get it out of here.

Yeah, you do.

You're my ride back to Kevin's house.

What about that girl?

I don't know, I don't even know her phone number.

What do you mean you don't have her phone number?

I don't even know her name.

Do you have any money?

No, I was gonna borrow some from you.

No, this is my emergency.

I need the money from you.

Look, I'm here, I'm your emergency contact, I'm gonna help you out.

Oh.

Ooh.

God! What's in there?

Oh, yeah.

I turned it into a sandwich bag.

That's an old baloney sandwich.

You know what, I'm gonna walk.

I can't believe I was this close to the The Shiva and then you had to trade Jason Witten to Taco.

Congratulations, Taco.

You're going to The Shiva Bowl!

Oh. Cool.

All right, I'm late.

What did I miss?

What's going on?

Well, I'll tell you what-- got some good news for you, Ruxin.

Yeah?

You are winning.

Whoa, there.

There we go.

But you do realize it's probably all for naught?

What do you mean?

Because the teams with the two worst records automatically go to the Sacko Bowl.

Right. So Ted, Pete... Not if he loses.

So basically, no matter what happens to him, if I lose he goes to the Sacko?

Yep, because of all the tiebreakers.

That's crazy!

Well, how is your team doing?

I am actually losing, with only Tolbert left to play.

What's going on with him in the game?

I haven't really seen him since the first half.

I don't know what's going on.

But he's the Vulture.

He's sort of like a sick vulture.

Yeah, the Vulture's a little ill.

(imitating vulture groaning)

(fake sneeze, groaning)

Uh, it looks like you and I are gonna be in the Sacko together.

You don't seem that upset about this.

You know, you win some, you lose some-- I'm at peace with it, really.

Hm.

You know, Ruxin, you keep making that face, it might freeze that way.

If I keep making this finger, you think it'll freeze this way, too?

First to worst, buddy.

Something stinks here.

I made a Cheerio fart.

(choked up): You know, what I smelled was betrayal.

Are you... are you crying?

No, I'm not crying!

This is bullshit!

Bless you, my sons.

You, Pete, you should be canonized for that.

That was awesome.

He was crying!

Like a real person.

Fart! Fart!

g*dd*mn collusion!

This is not the way it was supposed to go!

I'm the league champion!

I'm the league champion!

Ruxin, you're being a real d*ck to my frog.

What is this, Ellie?

Daddy's hair pills.

I'm making my daddy a collage.

Propecia? Is that why his hairline goes halfway down his forehead like Teen Wolf?

(chuckles)

Thanks for the a*mo, Ellie.

What's this?

It's my hero collage.

I chose Daddy.

Your daddy's your hero?

Mm-hmm.

You should aim higher, like a low-end bookie or a spare tire.

What is this?

Oh, this is the papers Daddy works on every day.

"Alternate league draft order"?

I knew there was collusion.

Whoa!

Hey! That's my homework!

Get bent!

Oh, come on, you'd think I'd get more from the Baltimore D than this.

This is exactly how I saw this going down.

Down seven points and San Diego's still driving.

Come on, guys!

First the Shiva Bowl, next...

Mother of the Year Award.

Wow, a Jenny-Taco Shiva Bowl.

Boring.

Yeah. I'm not excited about it, either.

An all-McArthur Shiva Bowl, and I'm not even in it.

You know, I did not set up this league to have a trophy end up with my wife's name on it or as a bong in my attic.

And I'm destined to never win it.

Maybe you're like Moses, you know-- you're supposed to lead the people from the desert but you're not allowed to go into the promised land yourself.

Look at this! Look at this!

Holy sh*t. Interception.

Two points.

Go for the sideline.

Keep going, Ed Reed.

He's got one guy to b*at.

What?

(all talking excitedly)

Aah...!

Whoa, whoa, wh... Yeah!

Oh, my God!

You saved me.

Kevin, six more points!

You won!

I didn't even see the play.

You took your eyes off the game and you saved me.

And I b*at you.

Suck it!

Oh, I love you did great.

Oh!

I'm going to the Shiva Bowl!

Hey!

Shiva committee!

Someone get the drum!

What is this?

Ellie's homework.

This is why I wanted a new kid-- this one's no good.

You cheated me in the draft order, and you thought you could outsmart Ruxin!

Ruxin, just look at what I drew up-- you'll see there was no difference in either way-- I'm telling you!

I'm not looking at anything, 'cause all I see are lies and collusion!

This whole season is null and void!

Vull and noid!

(shouting slurred gibberish)

What?

(crying): Sofia? Yeah, you're not gonna believe what the other guys did to me.

Yeah... No, they totally (slurring): betrayed me.

Hello? Hello?

Whoa!

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Ruxin?

Oh, my God, I think he's having a stroke.

Hello?

Hello?

Ugh! Rodney, you got to get a new cell phone provider.

He's frozen in Ruxin face.

Now, even though he didn't choose me as his emergency contact, I will help him.

Okay, Ruxin, can you hear me?

(Ruxin grunts)

I'm going to give you mouth-to-mouth.

(Ruxin grunting)

Okay... all right... okay...

(Ruxin grunting)

He's fighting-- this is a good sign.

I'm trying to help you!

(Ruxin grunting)

(both grunting)

I think he is breathing fine.

I think we're supposed to pee on him.

That's jellyfish, you idiot!

Might not help, but it can't hurt.

(unzips zipper)