05x03 - Chalupa vs. The Cutlet

[bunniefuu]

Did you fart?

Kevin: Yeah.

(chuckling): Yeah.

You can't do that in here.

It's the men's room.

Come on, man.

What country are you from?

I'm from America where you can fart almost anywhere you want.

You, sir, are an animal.

I'm not an animal!

I'm a human being.

Humans fart!

Okay, we fart!

Oh, no.

If you can't fart in the bathroom, then where can you fart?

I was just giving out little bubbles, little...

Pete: You know, just 'cause you give it a cute little name doesn't make you any less than of a sh*t bag, okay?

Well, I have been extraordinarily gassy recently.

We know.

God, this is like a rancid batch.

I think I still have Ted's AIDS cocktail floating around down there.

I don't how those guys put up with that stuff.

Well, Kevin, the alternative is the end of Philadelphia, so...

Hmm, good point.

Taco: Spoiler alert.

I only saw the first half. I feel like I'm at a MacArthur family reunion. I mean, I realize Ruxin is out of town on business, but where the hell is Andre?

Have you seen him? Yeah. He's not doing good.

Went to his place to shower, and he didn't even get off the couch to cook me breakfast. Do you guys think he blames us a little bit for the whole Trixie situation?

Why, because of the bachelor draft thing?

Can you imagine how you would feel if that whole thing just blew up in your face?

I think you mean her face.

(laughter, Kevin groans)

Okay, this is what I'm talking about, okay?

The NFL has a whole bunch of new rules for safety this season, right?

Mm-hmm.

Maybe we need to institute a few of our own, like no headhunting, no attacking a defenseless receiver.

I an, if there was ever a defenseless receiver, it's Andre.

That's not how we were taught to play the game.

We were taught, when someone says something stupid, bam, you say something back.

All right, you just take it easy, James Harrison.

This is our best friend we're talking about.

Fine, I'll do the best I can, but on game day, when he comes walking in in some stupid outfit that an Ecuadorean gay man would dress his dog up in, then I don't know what I'm gonna do.

Mm.

Jenny: Oh, Christopher is gonna love this school.

This play yard's amazing.

Although this playground looks a little p*rn to me.

What?! It's not.

Yeah, look, babe.

That tube's like a... like a shaft, and those spheres...

Look at-- that girl's playing with the balls.

Stop. Stop doing that.

Look, the-the tube is heading right towards the pink curtain.

No. Stop.

Which is obviously the labia minora.

Stop it.

Labia majora.

Oh, God.

I don't know which one.

The labia.

Oh, my God, just stop saying "labia."

But I'm just saying, you could be, like, "Oh, hey, Timmy, show me on the playground where the man touched you on the playground."

Oh. Oh, my... Oh, my God!

Is that who I think it is?

That is Jay and Kristin Cutler... and the Cutlet.

Our kid's gonna go to school with the Cutlet! Yes!

Our kid is going to go to school with the Cutlet!

See? I told you, babe.

You go out to dinner, you get drunk, you go home, you have sloppy unprotected sex, and look.

You become best friends with the Cutlers.

It all works out. I told you!

Ooh.

Whoa!

Not good.

Oh, my gosh.

He has yet to touch his copy of Mister magazine.

Can you smell that?

Not even a hint of CK One in the air.

Jesus.

Hi, Andre.

So, this is the man cave, huh?

Andre: No.

It's supposed to be the magic man cave.

A place for all the dudes to come once I was married.

Defenseless receiver. Mm-hmm.

Defenseless receiver. But now I'm not married, and no dudes want to come in my man cave.

Hmm. Andre?

I'm just alone. It's okay.

I know I wasn't your best man in marriage.

(whispering): God help me. But I am prepared to be your best man in bachelorhood, and... What?

I will make you forget all about...

Trixie. How'd you learn that?

I've been practicing that for three weeks.

I couldn't get it. Andre, it took, like, two minutes to learn. No wonder why she left.

It's not because I made her blind.

It's because I'm a terrible magician.

There are other reasons, too. Yeah, but...

Man cave was supposed to be full of magic, but now it's just a dark, smelly hole. (Taco and Pete sniff)

Nights were gonna be filled with ball juggling.

I even had a night for black magic.

I wanted to learn the ancient art of sword swallowing.

All right. Enough, enough. Bye, Andre.

All in my man cave. Bye, Andre. Sorry.

No one's coming in my man cave anymore.

Everyone's just pulling out. How great is this place, guys? I know, it's really nice.

Beautiful, absolutely. I love it.

Oh, oh, I'm sorry. Oh, my... Oh, that's all right.

So sorry. I-I apologize.

Okay, see you guys. Good to see you.

It's okay. Okay, bye. Good to see you there.

Wow. You look so much like Jay Cutler.

I get that all the time. I don't see it, though, really.

Weren't we in a baby class together?

Oh, wow. I don't know. I don't. Maybe.

I haven't been back. Do you know that somebody actually stole a bottle of my breast milk?

Unbelievable. No way!

Yeah. KEVIN AND JENNY: No!

Oh, it's probably that Russian mob.

Whoa! Whoa! Jesu...

Good God! Holy cow!

Kid's got a cannon. Probably gets that from his mother. Is it just me, or does this playground look like a sex act? You know, I was thinking the same thing. I'm, like, "This kid looks like he's about to be ejaculated right out of that thing.

He's about to be a money sh*t." I mean, who puts a pink curtain on a slide? I know.

Jungle gym is about to plow that piece over there.

Yeah. This kid just keeps rubbing these balls like they're gonna do something, you know?

Yeah. Hey, it's great meeting you, Kev. It's good to know there's some cool parents here. Kev?

This is amazing! The MacArthur-Cutler road trip.

No, no, the MacCutler road trip.

I like that. Every year, Kev.

Ah, let's get T-shirts made up.

Jenny, of course. We would be honored to be Chalupa Batman's godparents. Thank you so much.

Hey, Jay, what do you say tonight we pull the old wife switcheroo? I yell "Yahtzee," and we all switch rooms? Why not?

Awesome! Hey, I'm sorry you got to take one for the team. What are you gonna do?

Oh, oh, I get it. It's okay. Cool, cool.

So, uh, I'm sure I'll be seeing you guys around.

Yeah. That would be great.

Later, guys. You, too. So good...

Bye, guys. See you guys later.

Bye. Yes! Yes!

They called me Kev! They called me Kev!

They said we were cool. I knew these things would start to pay off.

That's right, I'm gonna be best friends with Jay Cutler.

Really?

Yeah. I can't wait to leave you sh*t sippers in the dust.

Well, I'm glad you're having a great time, 'cause there is one among us, namely Andre, who is doing much worse than we thought.

Ah.

We're gonna have to do something to goose that poor bastard's spirits.

Well, I will not go back to that spa with him.

I won't do it.

No, we-we may have to let him win.

The season?

No! Geez, what's wrong with you? I'm talking one game.

It's week one.

It doesn't really matter long-term.

Okay, who's he playing?

You know.

Oh.

Yeah.

Okay, you good with that Taco?

You good with letting him win?

Yeah. I'm cool with it.

It's not up to me, though.

It is totally up to you.

It's your team.

Yeah.

I gave the control of my team to this guy who hangs out at the library.

He's a w*r vet.

He has something called, uh, PSTD?

You mean PTSD.

No PSTD-- plenty of STDs.

Taco, why aren't you running your team?

I'm supporting the troops.

And who has time for this bullshit anyway?

Should be around here.

He likes to sleep in the reference section.

Sure, why not?

(sniffing)

Yeah, he's here. All right.

(snoring)

Okay. There he is.

Waking him up's a bit of a process.

(whispering): Penico.

Penico.

I'll take you to Hell with me, hajji!

Jesus Christ.

Holster your w*apon!

Holster your w*apon now!

Oh, Christ, sorry. Taco.

Hey, buddy.

Hey, how you doing?

I need my fantasy football team back.

Oh, so you made your first billion-- congrats.

Mm, not exactly.

The PBIB's still losing a lot of market share-- people just shaking it off.

So as per your orders, the team is still under my command.

I'm so glad you guys came over.

I know. Me, too.

Thanks for having us.

Of course. I'm sorry the place is such a wreck.

Our house is ten times worse.

We're just finishing up construction.

You are?

It's been a real hassle, especially during the season.

Jay literally cannot focus on anything but football.

Tell me about it.

When Kevin is in the middle of football season, he's just... gone.

Jay has laser focus.

I mean, he pushes his body to the limit.

Kevin, too.

When he is setting his lineup, he will lock himself away in the bathroom for hours.

Laser focused.

Yeah. Yep.

Surprise!

Hey!

Hey.

Where is Jay?

Jay's at work.

Oh.

How's it going, boys?

It's going great.

I'm glad.

You think Jay's gonna come to the next playdate?

Probably not...

Oh.

...would be my guess.

Hey, can you watch them for just a second?

I'm gonna go grab some milk.

Yep.

Excuse me.

Okay.

Kevin.

What?

Don't ruin this.

I'm not ruining it.

You're probably ruining it.

What are you... telling her stories about your college years again?

No.

"Oh, I got drunk and I pumped gas naked one time."

That was you!

(laughing): That was awesome.

Oh, my God. Just...

It was like yesterday.

...go. Go before you...

So wasted.

Did you...

I got bubbles.

Oh, my God, I can taste it.

Jenny, the kitchen is gr...

Oh, my God.

Oh.

You guys don't smell anything?

Nothing?

Maybe one of the boys has a poopy diaper.

Mm-hmm.

Here, bud.

Here's your milk.

Here, you hold it.

Ooh, there you go.

(screaming)

Whoa-ho! What a hit!

Oh, my God, oh...

Oh, my God, oh, my God.

Nice hit!

Are you okay?

Whoa, he took the milk.

Is he all right?

That's breast milk, that's kind of weird.

Uh, I don't know what...

Yeah.

...just happened.

Um, I'm so sorry he sacked your son.

Yeah.

That wasn't a sack.

Well, it was a sack and a strip.

No one sacks a Cutler.

Have you seen your offensive line?

I think everybody sacked a Cutler.

Kevin?

Well, my little guy's getting tired, so we should go.

No, you don't have to go.

Nope, no poopy diaper.

But you should check your slacks maybe.

Bye.

(door opens, closes)

That went well.

It did not go well.

In fact, Seabiscuit decided to put on a little bubble show for the Cutlet.

I was so close to hanging out with cool people finally.

I hear you, bro.

After being out there, it's hard to come back in here and listen to all this mishegoss.

We are not out of this.

The Cutlers are huge on charity.

They're hosting that charity event for the school at their house.

We are gonna charity the sh*t out of them, you guys.

They are going to love us for it.

Well, while you guys are desperately trying to become the couple that the Cutlers hate the least, I'd like you to see what the newest member of our league is up to.

Not only will he not throw the game or give up control of Taco's team, but now he's posting.

This is Taco and I will be victorious on the b*ttlefield.

Hey, Taco.

Hey, Andre, I have one question for you.

Did you ever have to tell a friend that his d*ck was blown off and then you realize it wasn't your friend, it was you?

You don't know what it means to lose.

But you will.

I think this will really cheer up Andre.

I don't think it will cheer him up at all.

I think it'll do the opposite actually.

Hey, you know what?

Since the season hasn't started yet, what do you say we make it a ten-team league?

I got just the guys.

Oh, it's Will and Ron.

Ten teams!

They're really violent.

Ten teams!

Ten teams!

Yeah, ten teams!

Ten teams, Andre!

Ten teams.

You... (shushes)

What do you mean... (shushes)?

I lost my d*ck for your freedom!

Have fun on the Fourth of July while I'm sitting there peeing like a girl!

I got no d*ck!

Okay.

And that is the newest member of our league.

All right, don't worry about it.

The commissioner will take care of this.

You should bring a g*n.

You turned it into a bong, Taco.

I did.

Sergeant Penico?

Oh, wasn't there, didn't do it, wasn't me.

My name's Kevin MacArthur.

I'm-I'm a... Remember the league?

I'm sorry, I'm sorry, the commissioner.

I have a proposition for you.

What do you got?

How would you like to meet Jay Cutler?

Jay Cutler?

Yeah.

I'd love to meet... I mean...

(stammers)... In person?

In person, yeah.

Do you think he'd sign something for me?

I mean we can ask, we can...

Brought it back from Fallujah.

We'll certainly ask.

Yes, ladies for Andre.

Can I get two vodka tonics, please?

You stay here and just soak this in.

You are single, get used to this.

I don't want to be single, I want to be with Trixie.

You're looking at this completely wrong.

Do you remember in the old days we would watch football and there was one game on?

Yeah.

Even if it was shitty, even if it was boring, even if it was a blowout, you had to commit to that.

Now we got the RedZone channel, right?

Being single is the RedZone channel, okay?

You can watch any game you want.

You can watch two at a time if you want.

The one with the big butt over here? Great.

Big boob game, channel 27?

Going over here.

I mean, look at Taco.

This guy, his d*ck's just flipping around the channels willy-nilly.

Did your parents get divorced when you were young?

Oh, my God, how did you kw that?

This could be your life.

Yeah... I mean, yeah...

Yeah, yeah, you're seeing it.

You know, it's all good good.

Yeah, well, you know, I don't think you're using that right, but yeah.

Okay.

Hey, boys.

You guys see how many Jettas are parked out back?

Aren't you glad Trixie's dead?

She's not dead, she's blind.

Is it all right if I invited an Eskimo brother who was in town?

Yeah, as long as it's not Sergeant Penico.

No, they don't let crazy homeless people in this bar.

All right, put this in your body right now.

Yes.

Oh, vodka?

No, I want a Riesling.

Don't say that, okay?

No, don't.

You just lost 50% of the dating pool.

Lips to the glass.

Now, stop breathing and drink.

There it is.

Bartender, can I get a Vaportini, please?

What's that?

It's a way to inhale your drink.

Light a little flame.

Set the booze on fire.

It vaporizes.

Then it goes straight into your bloodstream.

Check it out.

(coughing)

No, Officer, I have not been drinking tonight.

I'm gonna smoke a martini with you.

Yeah!

Let's do this.

Can we maybe smoke a pisco sour?

Say, man.

You can smoke whatever you like.

But me personally, I prefer that good good.

What's up, Snoop?

We're over here.

Snoop is your Eskimo brother?

How do you guys know Snoop?

What's up?

Yeah.

What happened?

Snoop, this is my Eskimo brother, Pete.

Hey, Pete, how you doing, brother?

Does that mean that we're, like...?

Eskimo brothers-in-law.

Family.

And this is the guy I was talking to you about-- Andre.

Yeah, but you can call me Dre Dogg.

You know, I gotta say this, tonight was totally lame, but now it's all good good.

That's not the right way to use it.

What do you think about this outfit, Snoop?

You think this is good good?

On the real?

It's not even one good.

Oh.

It's horrible.

It's a train wreck. Bad bad.

All right, boys, let's light 'em up.

That's what I'm here for.

All right.

♪

All: Smoke your drink!

Good good!

Stop it, Dre!

Ooh-ee, that's the do-it fluid!

Eskimo brother. Whoo!

Ice fishing in the same hole, baby.

Yeah. I never asked you this, Snoop: what do you do?

Mm... Yeah!

Bro time.

Bro time!

Oh, boy!

Gentlemen, these ladies would like to smoke some drinks.

(Taco coughs)

You're getting me wasted.

Getting myself wasted.

You're just here.

Living in the red zone is amazing.

I can go to you, I can go to you, I can go to you.

Switch back to you, and back to you.

I have the power to switch to anyone.

Wait-- what are you talking about?

You're switching to different girls?

Yeah, 'cause if I get bored with you...

You get bored with me?

Excuse me?

Yeah, I'll be, like, I'm on this one over here.

Who do you think you are?

I'm an owner of a DirecTV package that allows me to have the RedZone.

Bam, bam, bam! I'm single and I'm loving it!

I'm out, assh*le.

You know what?

One game's over, another one's gonna begin.

What about you?

Okay, that's a man.

I sucked 'em both dry!

But I only have a pair of aces!

No, no.

Nope, not even close.

Pair of aces!

No, not close.

I am actually good at magic.

And I'm gonna invite all of you to see me perform tonight in my magic man cave.

Everyone is welcome inside my man cave.

So come into my man cave!

That's not really as bad as it sounded.

It sounded bad.

Guys, I forgot to tell you, come inside the back door, 'cause that's the one that's always open.

(clicks tongue, laughs)

Did you by any chance slip anything extra in his Vaportini?

Yeah, we call it Kush and Ciroc.

And I may have put some ketamine in there, too.

Nice.

So, Andre's in a K-hole?

It's a Dre-hole.

(all laugh)

Okay, everyone's gonna come back to my man cave, and I'm gonna do some magic.

But first, just for a little bit, have a nap.

That's right.

Get this over and get a little comfy cozy and... (sighs).

(woman laughing)

Andre, we're entering your back door.

Ew. Ooh, this place is hideous.

Oh, it gets so much worse.

Let me show you something amazing.

(both laugh)

(woman chuckles)

(both moan)

(woman giggles)

You know, this couch is magic.

Oh, it is?

Oh, yeah.

Oh! (giggles)

Oh, it feels magic.

(both moaning)

Ta-da!

(couple screaming)

Ah, ha-ha-ha! Ta-da!

Jesus, Andre!

I mastered the Man in the Box!

I mastered the Man in the Box!

You know what?

Do me a favor, make my number disappear, huh?

(Andre laughs)

I mastered Man in the Box.

I was trying to be man in the box.

Thank you very much. Thank you.

Ta-da!

Oh, sh*t.

Cheer up, orgy. Whoo!

No, no, no, no, it's a magic, it's a magic trick.

Oh, God.

Oh, I got to pull out of this man cave.

Andre, film this.

All right, guys, let's get a picture.

Get in there.

Yes, you guys, get together with Sergeant Penico.

This is the veteran I was telling you guys about.

How did you hurt your ankle?

Was it over in action?

No, no, no, no, I got in a fight with a dog over a sandwich.

Geez.

But the, um, I lost my d*ck in the w*r.

Oh, wow.

All right, Sergeant.

Get the picture?

I got it.

Good to see you, Sarge.

Hey, Jay, never let 'em get you down, Jay.

All right.

That one has my heart.

It's our life's mission to help reassimilate people back into society by inviting them into our fantasy football league.

Mm-hmm, we call it "The League of Dreams."

Yes, The League of Dreams.

League of Dreams.

Wow.

That's impressive.

Yeah. We have an AIDS patient.

Ted.

And a recovering alcoholic.

Chuck. There's Ruxin, who had severe heart problems.

It's almost as if he's dead inside.

Taco the drug addict.

Yeah, drug addicts.

I don't even know his real name.

And then there's Andre, our saddest case of all.

We never thought we'd get him back.

No, there was no place for him in society.

But he's doing much better now.

He's doing so well, he is a doctor.

Both: Wow.

It's great to give back.

Mm-hmm.

I feel awful because I feel like we really misjudged you guys.

Completely.

That seems to happen.

I don't know why.

Yeah.

We should definitely hang out again.

We would love that.

Oh, sure, yeah.

That'd be great.

Absolutely.

Well, listen, you guys enjoy the party.

Go have some fun, and we'll catch up in a little bit.

Awesome.

Thank you.

Okay.

Great, guys, okay.

(Kevin sighs)

We are going to hell.

Yeah, and we're taking the Cutlers with us.

Yep.

(stomach growling)

Ooh, boy.

"Ooh" what? No. No!

These bubbles need a home.

Fine. Go to the bathroom, but spray afterwards.

Oh, fine.

So tell me about this League of Dreams.

The actual fantasy football knowledge in this league is pathetic... but the message boards are great.

Did you see the post when Jenny's kid drank your breast milk?

Wait-- what?

When Jenny's kid dra... when she stole your breast milk.

No.

So you're the one that stole my breast milk?

No.

Yes, you did.

Okay, yes, but there's a perfectly good explanation.

Oh, please tell.

Well, Taco was throwing this huge party...

Whoa. The addict?

Yes. And Kevin's mom kept testing my breast milk with these Breastalyzer...

So you stole my breast milk so that you could get wasted?

I'm sensing a little judgment here.

Breast milk's good if you ever...

Like, you just got to flavor it.

Oh, God! Jay!

Maple syrup.

(Kevin groaning)

Oh, I'm gonna blow.

(groans)

Oh, my God!

Need spray! It stinks!

Oh, God!

Oh, no!

Oh, cock, sh*t, mother, balls!

Kevin? We gotta go!

She's the one that stole my breast milk.

What?

Kevin, we gotta go.

Oh, my God.

(Kristin gasps)

What did you do?

I spray-painted their bathroom cabinet.

It must have been left over from the construction.

Why are you spraying it?

Because I had a bubble.

Dude, you can't do that here.

Well, if you can't fart in the bathroom, Jay, then I ask you where can one fart?

You animal! Even in w*r you don't do that!

Oh, I got another one coming.

Sorry.