05x04 - Rafi and Dirty Randy

[bunniefuu]

Open up, Spazz.

We know you're in there.

(Latin accent): Spazz no está aquí, man.

Where's the stuff, Spazz?

Uh, I honestly don't know, guys.

Actually, right now it's kind of a bad time.

I'm having a gastrointestinal kind of thing.

Hey, guys. What's up?

I love what you've done to the place.

Look at this.

(grunting)

Oh, look at you.

Want to break it?

If you guys need anything to drink or anything, there's a beer on the bed or some pizza in the bathroom, too.

Did you just offer us sh*t pizza?

It's got cheese in the crust.

Well, you know what the good news is?

The boss wants to see you...

(panting): Oh, good.

Let's go see him, then.

You didn't let me finish.

The boss wants to see you... dead.

What's up?!

Kevin: Ow!

Cheers.

No, that's my beer.

(phone ringing)

We could share this beer, 'cause we're best friends.

No. I don't think so.

Yeah, that's a good idea.

I've got a whole lip thing going on.

I'm having the best time with you bros.

Hey, guy, are you gonna answer that?

Pete: Rafi, I think it's your phone.

Maybe it's one of my hot dogs, I don't know.

(laughing): Whoa!

Andre: Answer it.

What? Oh, yeah. Hello.

Yes, it is.

Leonard Spazzinelli?

Yeah, I know him.

He's, like, my best friend.

Don't get mad.

(chuckles) Wait.

Dead? Wh-What do you mean?

Oh, my God!

Oh, my God!

(sobbing): Oh, my God!

Brian, Spazz is dead!

I don't know who that is.

Oh, no, no! No! No!

My God...!

Randy! Randy!

Aah! Randy...!

(sobbing loudly)

Hey. Come here.

Find Randy. Find Randy!

Rafi, hey.

(Rafi sobbing)

What's happened?

What's happened?

Spazz is dead!

It's the worst day of my life.

I got the news just today.

They sh*t him, Randy!

They sh*t him right in the head!

They sh*t Spazz!

I'm never gonna forget the last thing I said to him, man.

I said, "Spazz, you can put the whole thing in your mouth."

Yeah?

And he said...

(imitates choking)

I remember, man, I was there, pushing his head down on it and shoving it in.

Are you thinking what I'm thinking?

That I really have to take a sh*t after eating three hot dogs on the way over here?

No. We are gonna m*rder the people that m*rder*d our friend Spazz!

Yes!

Guess what.

What?

Dirty Randy and Rafi are going to Los Angeles.

Vigilante justice!

Oh! Look at this mess!

Who's this tall drink of water?

This is disgusting.

Please pick this up.

Margaret, I quit this bullshit job.

You can't quit-- you were fired four months ago.

I quit now! You go get me my severance package! You don't have a severance package. RANDY AND RAFI: You don't have a severance package!

I have a very good severance package.

Then get me your severance package!

What's a severance package?!

I'm going to call the security guard and he'll get rid of you.

Oh, guess what.

In this bullshit library, I own security!

(quietly): I don't own security; we should probably go.

That guy hates me.

Oh, okay, let's go.

We could get in trouble.

Let's do this for Spazz!

Right, let's do this for Spazz!

We're gonna go to L.A.!

Let's go to L.A.! Yeah!

Where's your car?

Where's your car?

Where's the p*rn-mobile?

I lost my car in a drag race with Korean teenagers.

Why are you drag-racing Korean teenagers?

It's the only way I can get a boner anymore.

Your fetishes are getting, like, really specific.

Are you finding the same thing?

It used to be that I just wanted to get a blow job from a woman with no teeth, but now I only want to have sex with a woman with one tooth.

I like having sex with a woman and ejaculating the moment she has her first menopausal hot flash.

Dude!

Yes! I call it man-opause.

That's what she'll think of it as. Dude, that's good.

Dude, it is so good seeing you, man.

Good seeing you, bro.

I'll talk to you later, man.

You're the best.

You're the best.

Wait a minute! Spazz!

We got to go to L.A.!

How are we gonna get there?

(Randy snaps fingers)

I got a new set of wheels.

Trust me, he's my best friend-- he's totally gonna let us borrow his car.

I really think my car will make it to L.A., man.

Uh, R-Randy, this-this is a BMX bike.

Huge day at work today, and I don't know why I told Ruxin I'd pick him up and drive him to the airport.

Jenny: No. You are going to be great.

Okay. I love you.

Bye.

What the sh*t?

Where's my car?

Oh, g*dd*mn Rafi!

♪

Whoo!

Whoo...!

(tires screeching, horns honking)

Whoa! sh*t!

Where are we? Where...

I don't know, we're driving.

We're good, we're good, we're good.

Hey, Randy, what's gonna happen in L.A.?

I think big things are gonna happen, is what I think.

You do?

I do.

Oh, look at this beautiful country.

Oh, we should go left.

Go left, go left, go left.

♪

I love seeing all the dead animals at the side of the road.

It really turns me on.

(groans)

Man! This baby's got the best butt plug I've ever worn.

You want it?

Yeah.

I thought when I fell off, I would get a lot more hurt.

Oh!

Oh, it's so nice of your friend's stupid kid to leave us his baby drug mirror.

Oh, yeah. Oh!

I gave him this.

So he could do dr*gs with it.

Instead, he just looks at his dum-dum face with it.

♪

I'm so glad we can share this moment together.

Me, too. It's just you and me... and Brian! What's up?

Hey!

Here we are at the Grand Canyon...

Wow.

...jerking off.

Just another of our "Coming on America" series.

Oh, my God.

This is Grand Canyon.

Tomorrow...

Oh, no, oh, God, shut it off!

Oh, my God, oh, God!

♪

Rafi.

Wake up. Wake up, man!

What? What?

We're in L.A.

Oh, my God! Amazing!

I know!

I had the craziest dream.

We were driving on the wrong side of the highway and caused a huge pile-up.

Oh, that actually happened.

What?!

I didn't wake you.

You just looked like an angel.

We just kept driving.

That's amazing.

L.A., baby! Ooh-ooh...!

Looks like this is where Spazz was k*lled.

This is nice.

Super nice.

I mean, whoa.

All right, I'm gonna go talk to the manager, see what he knows-- you take care of the car.

Done.

Hey. You had a m*rder here in your motel a couple of days ago.

I'm here to ask you a few questions, get to the bottom of it.

Are you the police?

Are you the police?

No.

Then yes, I am the police.

My name is Sergeant Lieutenant Randolph.

Dirty Randolph.

So, what do you know, man?

I don't know anything.

I told you everything.

You are a tough nut to cr*ck, but I'm gonna bust your nut.

Didn't want it to come to this, but looks like I'll have to use the powers of seduction.

Please don't.

Just tell me what I need to know-- maybe I can throw a little something your way.

Look, my friend, you are not my type.

I'm not your type?!

I'm everyone's type.

My junk is like O positive blood-- it's universally compatible.

Look, man, I'd hate to see something bad happen to this place.

No, wait. Hey, hey!

That paper's expensive!

Come back here! That's matte finish.

Take it easy, all right?

Okay, you gonna talk?

You got cameras in this little sh*t hole.

I want the shower cams, I want the toilet cams.

And not just the ones looking at the toilet-- I want the ones in the toilet.

I want to see what the poop sees.

No, you're not getting the poop cam.

Give me my poop cams!

No! Not getting my poop cams!

Whoa! Whoa! Rafi!

What?

What are you doing, man?!

What, you said take care of the car.

So you lit it on fire?

That's what "take care of it" means!

When I asked you to take care of my mother's cat, is this what you did?

Of course!

This is a "my bad" kind of scenario.

Totally.

I had no idea you couldn't light a car on fire in Los Angeles.

Now we know.

You can't burn a car anywhere actually.

Oh, you can.

I've b*rned, like, 40 cars-- never been arrested.

You should... you should g...

It's a great way to get rid of evidence.

Yeah.

Probably shouldn't tell me that.

We're on the same team here.

We-We're detectives.

For now. When we solve our friend's m*rder, we will become vigilantes.

Yes.

That's illegal. You can't be a vigilante.

Why? Batman does it.

There's no such thing as Batman, and being a vigilante...

What? You are so wrong!

If you go to Gotham right now, Batman is taking the law into his own hands.

Batman is a fictitious character...

Batman is the alter ego of Bruce Wayne, who's...

Who's real, obviously.

In the movie, he's a real...

In the documentaries.

I'm sorry?

There's, like, a million documentaries about Batman.

There's one from the '70s, then there's some from the '90s, then they just had three in the last, like, decade.

There's, like, three new documentaries about Batman!

Do you have any idea what the term "documentary" means?

Yeah, non-p*rn movies.

With real people in them.

English Patient. You guys belong in a mental institution. That's how we met, actually.

It was lovely. Look, you guys just-just get out of here, okay? Just get out. Whoa. Wait, what?

Just get out of Los Angeles, okay?

Just get out? Just get out of here?

Just get out. When I saw you were bald, I thought I shouldn't be presumptuous...

I can't believe it took us this long, man.

You're a n*zi. You're a n*zi, man.

Excuse me? You just gave us a full-on n*zi salute. No, no, no. No, no, I was not. No, I was saying, "Get out."

What do you think the motion is?

That's what h*tler was saying. Is that what he was saying?

He was saying, "Jews, get out of Germany."

No, that's a Sieg Heil. He was going, "Heil" and he went low-l, too.

No, it's not like "high up high" and lo... No, it's-it's...

Look, I'm not even sure of the origins of-of Sieg He... You seem like you are.

No, I don't seem like I am. I was saying good-bye.

You've done it, like, 100 times, man.

I'm trying to show you! I'm showing you!

I'm showing here! This country is very open to Nazis. Okay, you know what, here are your friend's belongings. Take them, get out of here.

Ooh, Spazz's stuff. Whew, let's see what we got.

Don't dump it out on my... We're just gonna use this...

Why did Spazz have a tape dispenser?

That's not... That's my tape. Are these Spazz's?

Those are my paper clips. Wait, there's a clue in here.

"Booty Barn, Oxnard Road, Van Nuys."

Nice. How do we get there?

Looks like Spazz left us the keys to the Spazz Mobile.

Awesome! Tell you what, man, you hear about a m*rder at the Booty Barn tonight, you know who did it.

Rafi and Dirty Randy. You can go eat your own d*ck.

♪ Whew. Oh, ho, ho, ho.

This place is nice. Right? I'm glad you wore your nice flip-flops. Stay frosty, man.

Okay. One of these sickos could've k*lled our friend Spazz. We owe it to Spazz to stay here and investigate every clue we can as deep as possible.

Or at least as far as they'll let us go.

I want to investigate that clue.

There's a black clue back there that I'm really curious about. I heard there's a clue in the back that has coke. I've got a lot of pent up investigating to do. Oh, me, too! I got blue clues! Yeah, I'd like to investigate all over some of these clues! Let's do it, man.

Two Jagerbombs. One Cobb salad.

Hold the onions. (Rafi chuckles)

Dirty Randy's gonna make it rain!

Yeah! (grunting)

Dirty Randy should not be making it rain!

What are you doing? No, no, no. I'm jizzing money!

What? No. It's a money sh*t!

No, no, no, no! Yeah!

No, Randy, no. No, no. No, Randy...

(grunting) Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

Let me go. Let me go. Yeah, go, go. Get in there.

Get in there. (grunts)

Yeah! Yeah, get it! Yeah.

Oh. Oh, man. I can't believe they have a pinball machine here. I know. How cool is this, right? This is awesome!

They're kind of just asking for an Accused typesituation, though, you know?

What's that?

The Accused? The movie?

I've never heard of that.

What?! Oh, my God, dude, it's only, like, the greatest romantic comedy ever made.

I love romantic comedies!

It's like Sleepless in Seattle meets The Proposal meets nonconsensual sex. Who's in it?

Oh, my God, that dude. Um, Jodie Foster.

He's my favorite actor! He's so good in it, too.

He's such a good actor. He was great in Nell.

(speaking gibberish) Hey, it's starting to smell in here. I think we should have housekeeping come in and clean Spazz's brains off the ground.

No way, man. I like it. It's like having a little piece of Spazz with us. Aw. So sentimental.

Whoa! (all shouting)

Rafi? Dirty Randy?!

Cock brothers. Joel and Ethan Cock!

What is going on? Look at you. Look at you.

We haven't seen you guys since we were chased out of Chicago. Oh, man.

What are you guys doing here in Spazz's room?

Yeah. We're sh**ting a p*rn, yeah.

He always let us sh**t p*rn in his room.

That's amazing. He was so generous.

What are you guys doing here? We've been staying in his room 'cause there's, like, a little piece of him that's still here with us. Sure, yeah.

You know what I like to think?

That that part of him is the part that remembers me.

Yeah, this bloodstain is awesome.

We just had him bang her on it a little while ago.

Great idea. It's really quite beautiful, like, as a tribute to him. Kind of a posthumous three-way for Spazz. Nice. I say we power through till dawn and then drinks poolside.

I don't want to rush you guys, but if you need two more dicks... And three more balls.

...we're happy to jump in on this.

Champagne living and caviar dreams.

I mean, this is California at its best.

I don't want to brag, but at this particular moment, we're doing everything right. This is the life, boys.

Rolling 18 inches deep. Couple of beers, good friends, bunch of bath salts. Look, we can't forget what brought us here. Do you guys know who k*lled Spazz? Chuck Falcon.

What?! The amazing p*rn Chuck Falcon?

The Falcon himself. Chuck Falcon is, like, the Steve Jobs of p*rn. And like Steve Jobs, he also murders people. You thinking what I'm thinking? Pasta night?

No. That we are gonna have to go to... the Falcon's nest.

That was great, actually. Well, it's not gonna be that easy. I mean, Falcon takes security really seriously. And this weekend is his daughter's 11th birthday party. Well, we are gonna easily make our way in there when we go to... the Falcon's nest.

I've been telling you, I don't know 'cause...

Shut... Dude, don't talk after I say "Falcon's nest," okay? I want "Falcon's nest" to be the last thing anyone says. For the rest of the day?

Here. So we're not supposed to talk after you say it? No. Falcon's nest.

How long does this last for? Oh, my...

Longer than that. That wasn't long enough!

I'm trying to have a moment!

The only way we're gonna get into Falcon's place at this point is in disguise.

I've got an idea.

What?

We've got a bunch of p*rn wardrobe in our office.

Yeah.

Where's your office?

Parked right over there.

What? Whoa.

God, that's a nice office.

All right, what do you think-- Pretty Woman dress-up montage?

Uh, let's just skip to what we're gonna ultimately wear.

What do we got?

(laughter)

That's perfect.

My, oh, my, look at this.

Is this what normal people wear?

Who knows?

But it looks good.

Really?

I mean, where's the butthole?

How do people poop in these?

They don't take their pants off, do they?

Oh, sure.

You pull 'em down, poop, and then, once you're done, you pull 'em back up and fasten it.

You have just complicated the whole ordeal.

So, wait, but then the pants are just in, like, the dirt.

Only if you're pooping in dirt.

Where else would we poop?

We're not animals.

Yeah.

What p*rn is this even from?

Gay Dads 8. Whoa, gay dads-- that's a perfect cover for us. That's what we're doing.

Gay dads. Yep.

Now we just need an 11-year- old girl to get us into the party. I've already made a call.

This is totally gonna work. This plan is flawless.

I'm not gonna have to blow anybody at this party, am I?

Come on. Candy, we've been over this.

You're not a stripper today; you're our 11-year-old daughter.

The only people you can blow at this party are other 11-year- olds. Or else it's illegal.

Yeah. All right, here we are.

Yes. At a kid's birthday party where we belong. Happy birthday to all of you.

Oh, look, some girls your age, Candy.

Yeah. Why don't you play with these girls? Okay, Big Daddy, you know, have fun. Okay, I will.

Wow, walk over here. We'll go socialize.

Okay. Just like people who were definitely invited to this party.

Happy birthday. I love you, husband.

As do I you, husband. Thank you, this is so great.

We are totally fitting in here. Everybody believes it.

Dude, we are k*lling this. You got your g*n?

Yes, I've got my g*n. Do you have your g*n?

Of course I do. Let's find this piece of sh*t and whack him. Just walking over here.

Happy birthday, sir. Happy birthday, ma'am.

Come on, work it like you're really angry, come on.

I got to say, your daughter Alison and our daughter Candy are getting along so well. (Rafi sighs)

Quick question: does your daughter have a valid passport?

'Cause we're bringing Candy to Bangkok in a couple weeks for a "holiday." You know, it'd be really great if she had a friend to smoke with and cry to.

Exactly. Yeah, marriage is the weirdest.

It's so tough. Now that we're married, we barely find time to have violent sex with each other.

Sometimes we just start having sex.

I'm like, "Punch me in the face first.

Jesus." We are k*lling this.

On fire right now. On fire, man.

Party's over. Nice line.

That was a good line. Okay, okay.

Come on, no. Okay.

Get off of me, man. These are the two idiots we were telling you about. Yeah.

d*ck. I'm Chuck Falcon.

Want to explain why you're here? First off, huge fan.

Huge fans. Mind blown.

Let me ask you another question.

What are you doing on my premises?

Oh, okay, our bad. Oh, okay, yeah, sorry, no problem. We're here to m*rder you.

We're-- no, you know, that's a, that's a bad way to put it.

We're here to avenge a friend's death.

Spazz. Spazz, who you know.

You k*lled. And in doing so it will mean that your life will come to an end.

Yes. You're not gonna k*ll me 'cause I'm gonna make your dreams come true.

I've seen your stuff. Wait, you haven't.

What, Toe-Bangers 3? What? What?

What? Come on.

Listen to me. Amateur p*rn is all the rage right now. It's so hard for professionals to make amateur p*rn look really amateur.

Oh, we're great at that. Yeah, I mean, I mean, that's what we are-- amateurs. Yeah, I make all the sex sounds with my mouth afterwards. (makes fart sound)

Squish. The stuff you sh**t makes people say, "I feel slightly dumber for having masturbated to that." Oh, my God, do you mind if we put that as a blurb on the back of the DVD?

I'm gonna offer you an exclusive deal with Falcon Entertainment. Oh, my God, oh, my God, oh, my God, it's happening, it's happening.

This is ha-- it's happening. I'm just like...

We can't forget why we're here.

This is like... We can't forget Spazz.

You k*lled our friend, man. Yeah.

He was stealing from us. Aw.

What? So, what do you think?

I mean, I don't know... Spazz was kind of the worst.

He was the worst, right? The worst.

I mean, that's Chuck Falcon. It's Chuck Falcon offering us a deal. Are you thinking what I'm thinking? I kind of think I am.

Where do I sign? What, why?!

What, what? We were gonna sign an exclusive contract! No, no.

You can't sh**t him! We have not been on the same page this trip, man. At all.

(both laugh) Gilligan's Assland, take one.

Ready and action.

Action.

That is great.

Oh, Marianne, you're doing great.

Craft service!

Come on, Boris, get over here.

Yes, sir, Master Prince of p*rn.

Yes, good.

You k*lled the guy.

You didn't pay him, right?

Myself.

Good.

Don't look at me.

Feed me.

All right, ooh.

There you go, Rafi.

(Rafi sniffs, grunts)

Candy, no!

What are you doing?! No!

Jesus, guys.

Get away from the dr*gs!

Guys, on a positive note, I feel like we probably got everything we need from this angle.

We can move on.

I don't like it anymore. Cut.

No, action.

No, cut!

Action!

Cut!

Action!

Cut!

Action!

No action!

Yes action!

No, no!

Action!

I said, "Action!"

I said, "Cut!"

Should we cut?

Yes!

No!

(both screaming)

I'm carrying you like a baby.

I have strapped you to my back in a papoose like I'm an Indian woman on the plains fleeing for my life against the British invaders!

This ends today!

Oh, it's got to end!

You thinking what I'm thinking?

Both: Duel.

Whoa.

That was-- we're-- that-- we're really on the same page right now.

Same page.

Here are the rules of the duel.

Ten paces, then start sh**ting.

You ready?

Both: Ready.

Go.

Both: One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten.

(both screaming)

(panting)

Oh, no.

(both grunting)

High five?

God.

Yeah!

Yeah, let's do it again!

No, he's dead.

Oh.

Oh, Rafi.

None of you saw sh*t!

He k*lled himself!

He sh*t himself while you were sh**ting at him?

Yeah, but that's our cover story!

Get up, you big idiot, get up.

Brian, it's Rafi.

If you're watching this, I'm dead.

Come to Los Angeles and avenge my death.

Brian, do not let me down in this, or I swear to God, I will haunt you every night...