05x06 - Heavy Petting

[bunniefuu]

Jenny: I have snacks.

Pete: Thank God.

You're welcome.

This is a joke, right?

No, we're on a bit of a health kick.

Kevin: We're doing the healthy thing now.

Ruxin: Oh, since the "muffalo wing" incident?

(laughter)

No, I just love my family and I want us to eat healthy, so we got rid of all our junk food and are taking vitamins.

All I think about is bacon.

Ha-ha, married people problems.

You know, you all should thank me.

You're disgusting.

Yeah, but that's just our personalities, though.

Honestly, Jenny's not wrong.

The only one here in decent shape is Andre.

Andre: Oh, thank you for noticing.

Would you mind giving us a little tutorial?

I mean, what have you been doing?

As a matter of fact, I can.

See, you can do everything that I do in the privacy of your own home.

I always like to start off with a squat.

It's kind of the most natural way to kind of begin anything.

Just get deep as you can go.

Drop in.

What happens if you get resistance, what do you do?

You just want to push right through it.

Push, push until you can get down, down, down, down, down, down, down, deep as you can, and it's gonna hurt, you know.

Okay.

But you got to just push through it and then explode.

Oh.

Oh, nice.

You have a great core.

Is there anything specifically you do for that?

Indeed I do.

I do a plank.

So you just kind of lay down... and take it.

This is great because you're doing two muscles at a time.

Mm-hmm.

Two is about the minimum.

You can always take two at once because then you're activating two different parts of your body.

Now I'm just getting worked up right now.

Yeah.

Now, do you find yourself getting hard while this is happening?

(laughter)

Well, I find this whole thing is hard, but, you know, I just got my bros to help me get through it.

Yeah, do you do it with other jacked dudes, or what?

Oh... I love doing it with jacked dudes.

No matter how many times you say, "Stop, stop, stop," they will not let you, and then you're thankful and you're pretty sore.

Well, you seem to be exhausted.

You earned this.

Oh, thank you very much.

Mmm, ha-ha-ha.

Tip's got the most nerve endings.

Mmm... all right, I'm out.

I got to go set up for Baby Geoffrey's party.

Is it his birthday?

No, it's not his birthday.

It's for his soccer team.

Were they undefeated?

No, they lost every single game.

Why can't kids just be losers anymore?

Well, Ruxin, you have years of expertise.

You should show 'em how.

That's right, there's a perfect example sitting right on your mantel.

Hasn't Baby Geoffrey lost enough having Ruxin as a dad?

Andre, why would say something so purposefully hurtful?

What? I'm just...

You don't know the power of your words.

I hold you in very high esteem, and when you make fun of me, it stings.

It's a joke, we all make jokes.

Andre, we would never say something like that to you.

Mm-mm.

I'm so sorry, look, he doesn't think you're a loser...

You-You know what?

It's too much.

I got to get out of here and go get supplies.

Why don't you just have Sofia get the supplies?

Because, since last week was my bye week, she's on her bye week this week in Miami.

Taco: Gentlemen, the word "taco" is no longer synonymous with hot dogs and hamburgers.

Taco's Truck has served its last customer.

Aw.

Oh, thank God.

I know you're all upset, but the food industry's way too complicated.

And who wants to wash their hands, like, three times a day?

Ugh.

That can't be healthy.

So, what's happening with Uncle Frank's van now?

I turned Taco's Truck into a puppy petting zoo.

Oh, yeah, that makes sense, sure.

Yeah.

It's the perfect business.

Hardly any overhead.

All you have to do is show up at kids' parties, bar mitzvahs, orgies, let people pet the dogs, they give you money for it.

Who would hire you to do one of these parties?

Uh, your super sexy wife.

I'm doing Baby Geoffrey's party tomorrow.

(Pete laughs)

Yeah.

I would rather set up a back rub station run by Jerry Sandusky.

Oh, if he's available, just tell him to come by.

Aah!

Guys, I keep onng goi through it over and over again.

I-I think I really upset Ruxin.

Kevin.

You urinated all over the floor.

It's not my fault that you gave me these vitamins that change my pee color like some sort of sick Willy Wonka trick.

What?

The color is neither here nor there.

The fact is, you didn't get it in the bowl.

I got a lot of it in the bowl.

That's not that bad.

Yeah, honestly, you get 70% of it in the bowl, you're doing great.

You guys put the pee bib around the toilet?

That's genius.

Yeah, you know, it catches all the remnants.

Wait, wait, the remnants?

That's a full meal.

That's not a meal.

That's, that's a couple sessions' worth, Andre.

That's not one sh*t.

Is there a diet that makes any of you less foul?

Oh! Oh.

Ah, it's not that bad, actually.

Look.

"Now, what do you kids want for Christmas?"

Thanks for driving me all the way back to the city, Andre, I appreciate it.

Of course, and by the way, I wanted to talk to you a little bit about a trade.

Do not offer me Randy Moss.

I do not know why you drafted him, I do not know why you still have him.

First of all, he can come back.

Just watch, watch, okay?

Look, but I'm not talking about that.

You have great running backs.

I have a great backup QB.

I got amazing wide receivers.

Let's, uh, see if we can get on the dance floor.

Do a little dance.

A little trade dance, right?

It's an interesting proposition, I just... you know, I got to come up for air first.

What the hell does that mean, "come up for air"?

I'm swamped right now, man.

My work's kicking my ass, and I got a lot of stuff to do around the house.

Just a bad time, you know.

Take a second, we'll just get out our phones, we'll do it right now.

A-Andre, I can't even think past one minute from now, honestly.

If I was gonna consider this, I would need to take a bunch of stuff off my plate.

I don't even have groceries in my house right now.

We'll get you groceries.

We'll stop at the storon the way home.

Great, here's a little list for you.

Wait, you want me to get you groceries?

Yeah, I could just crush some e-mails while you're in there if that's cool.

"Milk"?

Do you want, like, one percent, almond milk...?

Sorry, Andre, I'm just slaying some voice mails real quick.

"Salad stuff"?

What does "salad stuff" even mean?

Is that, like, the dressings or the things inside the salad?

All right, Ian, here you go.

This is your trophy for not crying that one time.

On your way.

Geoffrey, you're not much of a physical specimen, but you can hoard orange slices with the best of 'em.

Here you go, bud.

Yay!

Do I get a trophy?

No, sweetie, these trophies are for losers.

Go play with them.

Aw.

I'm coming for you, losers.

Yeah, uh, speaking of losers, what happened to your pants there, Jackson Pollack?

Did an alien finish on you?

(Jenny sighs)

I spilled some pesto.

When did you have pesto?

I dribbled in my pants.

I peed my pants a bit.

A small bit, it's just a dribble.

That looks like a double dribble, at least a walk.

Flagrant foul.

I was out of pee bibs, and I was trying to check my lineup and e at the same time.

Classic tinker tinkle.

(horn plays "La Cucaracha")

Oh, what is...?

What is this?

Heavy Pet...

Ha-ha.

God, what are you doing?

Gentlemen, the puppy party has arrived.

You're driving around in a van that says "Heavy Petting"?

Yeah.

You got to use a pun name in the pet industry.

It's like a rule.

I was thinking about "Pup Pup and Away" or "Pup Tents," but market research pointed to this.

What market research, Taco?

Just me thinking about stuff.

That's not even a pun, Taco.

It's just a sex act.

Ugh, get your minds out of the gutter, please.

Kids!

Who's up for some heavy petting?

Yay!

(dogs barking)

Well, hi, doggie doggie.

Oh, you're so...

Oh, he's smiling.

That means he likes you.

Oh, no, no.

Ew!

Yeah, yeah, bite the neck, that's good.

Just like I taught you.

Jesus, Taco, half these dogs can't walk.

Yeah, which means they're great for petting.

They're not puppies, Taco, they're just old dogs.

I don't know how old they are, but I guarantee they're puppies.

You know "puppy" is not a breed?

No, it's an ethnicity, like "Canadian" or "vampire."

This guy's a purebred puppy.

Purebred.

This guy's a mutt.

Half-puppy, half-poodle, I think.

What you basically have here is a mobile pet cemetery, and I think that one might be a cat.

(cat meows)

Oh, do you think people will notice?

Hey, your dog bit my kid.

No, no, he probably just gave him a little "teeth hug."

Come on, Carson, we're getting out of here.

What?

If it makes you feel any better, that kid's a total bed wetter.

(Taco sighs)

What did I tell you, puppies?

No biting.

Bad puppies.

(device buzzes, dogs bark)

Whoa, hey, stop.

Taco.

Taco, you don't need to do all of 'em.

It's not Bow-schwitz.

They appreciate that I treat 'em all equally.

Rodney!

Excuse me, it's my nightmare neighbor.

Oh, I love the dog wiener.

Oh, it's-it's "wiener dog," sweetheart.

No, it's a "puppy wiener."

Smile.

That'll be $40, please.

Everybody calls me Ruxin.

Well, I don't.

What do you want?

Your dogs have been peeing on my lawn.

Not my problem, lady.

(dog growls)

Would you stop growling?

Bad dog.

(device buzzes, dog barks)

(whimper, thud)

Uh-oh.

I don't have any dogs.

Look!

Those are puppies.

They pee.

Stay with me, Zeke.

Do not go towards the light.

You stay.

Okay.

Clear!

You're such a liar!

That's why your wife left you.

She didn't leave me, she's on vacation.

(laughing): Oh, right.

Okay, mouth to mouth.

No, stop, Taco.

Taco, oh, God.

Taco, that's enough.

Oh, where has that tongue been?

These guys are gonna need so much therapy.

Well, you know, if I find another pee spot, I'm gonna slap the dickens out of you!

Really?

All right, kids, grab a shovel, we're gonna play "puppy funeral."

Wh-Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Stop the clock, stop the clock.

Your party's over.

We're not burying dogs with these children around.

Well, is there a ditch we could chuck it into?

Put him in the van.

No, there's already two dogs in there.

Oh.

Mom, Dad, look at this picture of me and Zoey.

Isn't she so cute?

Mm-hmm.

The elderly puppy is super cute, but it is dinnertime now, babe, please eat.

This is not dinner.

I don't know why we're calling it that.

What?

What i-- what is this?

This is broccolini, tofu, and kale?

I ca-- I can't do this, I need protein.

You know what?

I did forget one thing.

I'll be back.

Is it dessert?

No, it's the vitamins.

Oh, not those green pills.

They taste like compost.

Um, babe, I got to use the bathroom.

Okay.

(whispering): Hey, hey, come on, let's go, follow me.

What?

Shh, just shh.

Me, too.

Okay.

What are we doing?

Shh.

Okay, go, go, go, go.

All right.

Listen, this is the quiet cave.

And you can never tell Mommy what you sawn here, okay?

What's that?

Feast your eyes... on this.

Oh, Dad, it's gross.

No, no, no, no, it's covered in plastic bags, and the water in here is perfectly clean, and Mommy will never think to look inside here.

Ha-ha.

Ah.

So, milady, I ask you, care to join me for a dinner party?

Why, I would love to join you for a dinner party.

I'll set the table.

Uh-uh-uh, pinkies up when we eat our licorice.

Cheers.

Oh, it seems you spilled a little bit in the corner of your mouth.

May I get that for you?

Oh, lovely.

Rodney!

(Ruxin groans)

Everybody calls me Ruxin.

Rodney?

Yes, Mrs. Hatch?

I told you before that I want to keep your dogs off of my lawn.

As I told you before, I don't have any dogs.

So, I'm supposed to believe that you're the one peeing on the lawn?

Yeah, yeah, I'm peeing all over your lawn.

That's wh...

Ow!

Oh, God!

Ow!

And I'm taking this bracelet, too.

That's not a bracelet, it's a...

Oh, no, it's mine.

It was on my property.

Thank you.

You know what, go ahead.

Keep it.

And keep the curtains of mine that you're wearing as a dress.

Yes.

Hey, Pete, do you think maybe later todawe can talk about that trade?

You know, my head's just so full right now.

I think maybe just finish off my eight-hour online traffic school and then we can talk about it, okay?

Almost done.

Great.

You got it.

Thanks.

Why is Andre building you an end table?

Well, the rest of my bedroom set's already done.

This is the last piece.

You made him your trade maid.

Trade maid.

You sly little devil.

Mmm.

Guys, do you believe this?

You got to park 12 inches away from the curb when you parallel park.

Crazy.

Crazy.

Yeah, right?

I got the snacks, huh?

Yes!

Let's get rid of this healthy crap, let's go.

Oh, yeah.

Why are these all wet?

'Cause I keep them in the back of the toilet.

Oh!

What?

What... Why?

What?

I have to.

Jenny can't find out where I keep it.

Huh? Licorice?

No, no, thanks.

I'll skip the crappetizers.

Yeah, no toilunch for me.

Andre?

Yeah?

Huh?

Oh, I love the gummies.

Yeah.

Why is this all wet?

Uh, freezer burn.

Oh. I love it.

Keep me cool.

Yeah, I know you do.

Gummies for dummies.

Yeah!

What the...?

Is that my scarf?

Aw, come on.

Um, your scarf?

Get up, come on.

What are you doing?

That is... No...

That is my, that is, that is my scarf, okay?

(laughs)

Now, that is... (grunts)

This is my scarf, not a toy.

All right.

Go fetch, girl!

(laughs)

That is my hat.

Dude, I was doing you a favor.

You are a brat, you know that?

An inconsiderate brat.

Whoa, wait, watch it, Andre.

Hey, Andre, did I just walk into my house and hear you yell at my kid?

Yeah, 'cause she's being a jackass.

Hey.

Yeah, well, she's our jackass. We made her that way.

Your daughter needs to be punished, and that dog needs to be put down. Why don't we just wait a week on the dog? Yeah, where'd that puppy go?

The wiener ran away. It's ironic, 'cause usually wiener make a beeline for Andre's buns.

Fives. Fives.

Andre, you're a bad person. You scared the puppy away.

Look, I am so sorry. No!

Zoey? Zoey!

Way to go, Andre. (sighs)

She's the one who's throwing my hat.

(Taco sighs) I lost so many puppies this week. Mostly to death or something called osteoporosis.

Hey, I think I've seen her jumping rope in the neighborhood.

Oh, that makes sense.

She does a lot of tricks.

What's "semi-trained"?

It means she's good with number one, but she'll number two just about anywhere.

Just plops them all over the place.

How old is she?

Nine, I guess.

But she looks a lot older.

Uh, it gets her into trouble quite a bit, as you can imagine.

Oh.

Oh, God, I hope she doesn't come back pregnant.

Look, if you see her, can you just grab her?

Like, she's gonna kick and scream a lot, but just throw her in a dark room, she'll calm down, and then you give me a call and I'll come pick her up.

You are sick.

You need medication.

Well, I got news for you, sister, I'm already on a lot of medication.

(Ruxin sighs)

Geoffrey, no!

Stop, Baby Geoffrey, stop.

I can't stop!

I know it's tough when you get the pee train in motion, buddy, but you got to stop.

Geoffrey, who taught you to do that?

Uncle Rafi. He told me it was bad to hold it in.

Yeah, but you can't pee on people's lawns.

Especially Nanny Pacquiao's, okay?

'Cause when you pee on green grass, it turns it yellow.

(gasps) That's it!

Oh.

I think it's good.

I really thought we were going to lunch.

This is lunch.

This is... this is salad shake.

I want food, real food that people consume.

Are you sure?

Yes.

Ew, what is that?

That's you.

How many pounds does it take to change a lightbulb?

Oh, God.

Drink up.

Oy.

Oh, it tastes like the back of a lawn mower.

Hey, buddy.

Hey.

You know him?

No. He was just staring at us, though.

Maybe because you were screaming about how horrible the drinks are here.

Everyone here knows it's horrible. They just...

They're buying into it.

That's how people...

No.

Oh, God.

No.

Both: No!

No, no, that's not...

Oh, my God.

She's our daughter.

Sweetheart, tell everyone that we are your parents.

Yeah.

My real pents wouldn't make me eat crap like this.

What? No.

No, no, no, you can eat whatever you want-- ice cream.

Twinkies.

Ho Hos.

Gummy bears.

Skittles.

Whipped cream right in your mouth. What do you want?

I want some of the sausage Daddy showed me in the bathroom.

No! No, no.

Right, that's a secret.

No. Secret? Secrets. All right, got to...

No. I's go, come on. We got to go, we got to go.

Hey, hey, hey, hey. Hey! Ow!

Hey, Daddy's little girl. Ha, ha.

Ow! You're hurting me! (grunts, breathes heavily)

Okay, that's most of the bedroom set.

Great, can you return it to the store, now, please?

Are you playing Minesweeper? I told you how swamped I am, Andre. I need the stress relief.

This trade's never gonna happen, is it?

Andre, this is the last favor I need from you, okay?

Okay. Thank you.

Little help? Ooh, cleared the board.

(sighs) Can no one change toilet paper in this house? Just...

Oh, my God. He hit all of the toilet paper, not one, just...

Hey, Jenny.

Hi. What the...?

(Taco sings)

Whoa!

Why is there food in my toilet?

Just the cheese is mine.

The rest of that junk is Kevin's.

What?!

Brothers.

Always cramping your space.

See you later.

Kevin!

Hey, was Taco just...?

Oh, no.

You've been eating secret meals on the toilet?

Not secret meals.

They're-they're crappetizers.

Oh, God.

Hey, um...

Oh, another elegant MacArthur family meal.

Do you guys have any of those vitamins that make your pee green?

Yes. Please, take them.

Thank you.

Bon appétit, Wolfgang Schmucks.

You're starving me out, here, babe.

I'll make you a smoothie.

I don't want a smoothie.

I want salty, fat meat in my mouth.

Pete's donger's available.

You had to see that one coming.

Is the dog gonna be okay?

Yeah, he'll be fine.

Took one of his wheels off so no one would steal him.

Ah. Smart thinking.

Yeah. Eat up.

You know what you're going home to.

Oh, at least I got my dad's toilet food.

Your dad's a smart man.

Toilet t*nk's the best place to keep food.

I got fruits and vegetables at Ruxin's toilet.

I got, uh, cheese and meats at Kevin's toilet.

Also have some hard-boiled eggs and mayonnaise at a toilet down at the, uh, Sears Tower in case I'm downtown and want some egg salad.

Whew!

That was a lot of food.

Real food.

Yeah.

Thanks for paying.

I'll get the next one.

Hey, can I have a ride home?

Sorry, kid.

No can do.

Headed downtown to find some new puppies.

But... I don't know how to get home.

Right.

I'm being irresponsible.

Here.

It's a compass.

"N" is this way, and I think you live somewhere this way... ish.

Hyah! Hyah! Let's go, boy.

Let's go.

Oh, my God, this is working.

(cackles)

Rodney!

Everybody calls me uxin."

I knew it was you who was peeing on my lawn.

I'm fixing your lawn.

Put that little cocktail weenie away.

I can't. Once the pee train's left the station, there's no turning back.

Well, I'll put it away for you, here.

No!

Come here with that little cocktail weenie, you...

No!

Come here. Come here! I'll get that from you. Oh, get...

No, Mrs. Hatch.

I'll get that from you.

Always whining, always whining.

(imitates whining)

Hey, you keep whining, you're gonna get zapped again.

Don't think I'm not gonna get you, little Rodney.

No, stop it!

Give it to me.

Fine, you leave me no choice.

(Ruxin whimpers)

(yelling)

What the...?

Come on, what the hell's wrong with this thing?

Hey, bad dog.

(groaning)

Whoa. What happened here, huh?

What's going on, Ruxin?

Not much. You know what.

I think the dog's still growling.

What did I tell you?

Bad boy!

(zapping, groaning)

Hey, Sofia.

Hey, is that Ellie?

(Ellie cries quietly)

Hey, hey, little girl.

What's up?

Come on.

No.

Want a ride?

No!

What are you doing so far away from home?

Taco left me.

Oh, well, come on, get in the van, we'll have some fun.

Look...

No. I don't want to get in the van.

I'm so sorry about the things that happened between us, but, look, I can't have you walk home by yourself. I...

Get in the van.

I got... I got, uh... candy.

I don't want candy from you.

Five-four-five to Central.

I got eyes on a potential perp.

Vehicle says "Heavy Petting."

Ellie, I can't have you walk home by yourself.

Your parents would k*ll me.

Uh-uh.

Okay, you know what?

That's it.

You're getting in the van.

Come with me.

No.

Come on, come on!

No, stop it!

Come on, get in the van.

Don't put me in the van!

I don't want to get in the van!

Just get in the van.

I'm moving in. I'm moving in.

Get in the van and be quiet.

I don't want to get in your van.

No!

Get in that van. There.

There! Stay in there, okay?

We're gonna play games, we're gonna have fun.

I don't want to play games in your van.

It's a secret between me and you, that's it.

No one has to know.

You sick bastard!

(both grunt)

Hey, Pete, it's Andre.

Trade go through?

The trade did go through.

With Ted.

What?

But I did all those chores and favors.

I helped clear your head.

I don't make trades with alleged sex offenders.

And you did clear my head.

I really appreciate it.

And once my head was clear, I realized that was a terrible trade.

Well, can you at least bail me out of jail?

(whispers): Pete, they're monsters in here.

They used part of my scarf as toilet paper.

You know what. I'm totally underwater right now.

I'm slogging through e-mails.

Maybe later this afternoon, okay?

Hello? Hello?

You realize you're literally doing what a dog does right now?

Yeah. Jenny will never look in here.

Ooh, Ding Dongs.

Hey! Get your own pot.