05x10 - The Near Death Flex-perience

[bunniefuu]

Kevin: (groans) The answer's here.

It's here. Come on!

Pete: What are you doing?

I have a lineup problem.

I-I got everything but the flex.

It's between Lamar Miller or Greg Jennings.

There are rankings Web sites for this.

The rankings Web sites list them as equal, but they're not.

I just have to figure out the right calculations.

Ruxin: And which calculation is you writing "Miller" and "Jennings" over and over again?

(sighs) Please.

Really a beautiful mind at work.

Yeah, Russell Browe.

Andre: So funny to watch you obsess over trivial pursuits, where I have given myself to the greater good.

You know, today I'm working with the Caring Comrades.

That's great.

You do a lot of calf implants, give that money to someone who needs it.

No, no, no, I'm not giving money, Pete.

I'm giving my friendship.

What?

I'm working with Donald.

He, uh, has ALS.

Lou Gehrig's disease.

Today, today, today... I feel like the most, most, most... unlucky man in the world.

(chuckles)

I think the key with donations, Andre, is it has to be something they actually want.

You can't donate a punch in the face.

He loves this.

He's confined to a hospital bed, but he gets to experience Dre Town through me.

So, by comparison, he realizes that his life in the hospital isn't actually so bad.

I'm offering you an opportunity to be charitable today.

Pete, are you with me?

I'm good.

Oh, Andre, ask me, ask me.

Okay, Ruxin, would you come with me?

No!

All right, I'll go with you.

Thank you.

It'll give me a break from this lineup conundrum, and it'll look good at work.

(phone chimes)

Ooh, text from Rachel.

You're still dating that girl?

What is your problem with this girl?

You guys are j... How old is she?

She is 23 years old.

That means that her first Star Wars film was The Phantom Menace.

Her R2-D2 is Jar Jar Binks--

I'm good with that.

(à la Jar Jar Binks): Oh, Mr.

Pete, the old, old man have a small penis a-like you?

(horn honking)

What's that?

I don't know.

(honking continues)

Taco: Good afternoon, gentlemen.

Aw, Jesus, Taco, what did you do to Uncle Frank's van?

I hit the jackpot is what I did.

Guys, when my puppies d*ed, I was feeling pretty depressed.

Sweeping up dog hair, I was thinking to myself, "What am I doing with my life?"

And then it hit me.

I could be sweeping up human pubic hair that I cut.

No.

That's right, friends.

I'm gonna be a barber for down there.

Taco, that's insane.

Insane that no one's thought of it?

I know.

It's the perfect business.

I get to recycle the grooming equipment from my puppy business, I get to make my own hours and I'm super comfortable around genitals.

Oh, you're gonna make your nut on people's nuts.

Exactly.

Donald, look, I brought a friend.

This is Kevin, and this is Donald.

And I am his Caring Comrade.

(mechanized voice): You mean, "I'm your Caring Comrade."

Why would you be my Caring Comrade?

Because you have cancer.

I don't have cancer--

I-I'm just bald.

I told you that.

Then why are you so pale and sickly looking?

Enough.

Did you notice, though, that his computer voice sounds a lot like Ruxin's?

My voice is too cold and emotionless to be a human voice.

Yeah, that's pretty much Ruxin.

Yeah.

So, Donald, would you like to go out to lunch with the two of us?

(Donald grunts)

(mechanized voice): If it's not for charity, I wouldn't have lunch with you if it was the only cure for ALS.

(grunting laugh)

That's a good one, buddy.

Fives.

(grunting)

Come on.

This is amazing.

Yeah.

Yeah, give you fifteens for that one, yeah.

God, Andre, you made it weird.

You made it strange.

He always does.

(groans) Why do I always have g*dd*mn flex problems?

The safe play is Lamar Miller.

But there's something sexy about that Greg Jennings at home on Sunday night against his old team.

Feel like everyone's gonna make fun of me if I play a wide receiver instead of a running back.

Oh, sh... (tires screech, horn honks)

Oh! (panting)

Where am I?

Who's there?

I'm Greg Jennings.

And I'm your flex.

Greg Jennings, are you sure you're my flex?

Let's take a look at some of the bad decisions you've made in fantasy seasons past.

Good luck finding them, Greg.

Andre will never know.

Cheating in fantasy football.

I know. It didn't even help.

It made no difference whatsoever.

I'm here to help you make better decisions, starting with me.

If you take my advice, this is how your fantasy season could turn out.

Oh, wow, Shiva.

Let's clean you up, you dirty girl.

Showering with Shiva.

I want that, Greg Jennings.

That's my fantasy fantasy.

And it all starts with one decision.

What?

I'm your flex.

You're so wise, Greg Jennings.

What is the meaning of life?

It's about spending time with your fam...

Am I doing the right thing with my hair?

I mean, it's not quite straight, it's not curly.

It's sort of a wavy... Kevin, I have to leave you now.

(gasps) No.

Yes.

Oh.

Remember, Kevin, no fantasy team is a failure if you have a great flex.

Greg Jennings is my flex.

Say it.

Greg Jennings is my flex.

Say it again.

Greg Jennings is my flex.

Yes.

Greg Jennings is my flex.

Greg Jennings is my flex.

Greg Jennings is my...

(horn honks)

sh*t! Holy sh*t!

Oh, my God. Oh.

Oh. (exhales)

That was amazing.

I have clarity.

Jenny: Hi.

Greg... I had a lovely day, thank you for asking.

How was yours?

It was great.

I almost got into a near-fatal car accident.

What?

I saw this truck coming right at me.

I saw the light coming at me.

Kevin... I would have been decapitated.

Oh, my God, are you okay?

I saw, with clarity, exactly who to play in my flex.

Greg Jennings. He spoke to me.

It was awesome, babe.

Yes.

You just had a near-death experience, saw your whole life flash before your eyes... and you saw your lineup?

Yes.

You didn't see your wife or your kids?

You saw Greg Jennings.

No, I... Mmm.

Y... I saw you.

I think I saw someone that looked like you.

I was shouting. I was like, "Hey, Jenny, Greg Jennings and I are going on a bike ride!

It's a two-seater."

And I saw the-the other ones.

Being your children?

Yes. Ellie and Chalupa.

Christopher.

CB.

Christopher.

(Kevin groans)

Glad you're okay, Kevin.

Thank you.

Thank you so much.

Terrific end to a Terrific Lady Day.

Mmm.

Right?

So is there something that you would like me to do?

Mmm, this is really nice, but I'll think about it.

Mm-hmm.

What are you doing?

I was just trying to give you a hint that I figured out what I wanted and it was a little B-jibbers.

"B-jibbers"?

Yeah, a little BJ Raji, a little...

What are you talking about?

What?

David Blowie?

No, no.

No, I don't want to do that.

Why not, babe?

Your bush is brambly.

And I go down there, I can't breathe.

And it pokes my eye.

Just trim that thing.

It's thick.

I'm not gonna trim my pubic hair.

I do it for you.

And I'm so grateful that you do, whether it's the breadstick or the pizza slice.

But I'm working with a calzone-- it's natural, it's manly.

You need to trim it.

Okay, I'll trim it, I promise.

But tonight, you've had a Terrific Lady Day.

Can I just get a Terrific Man Minute?

Fine.

I'll just give myself a Terrific Man 30 Seconds.

Well, bring your weed whacker.

I'm not afraid of doing my own yard work.

Rachel, that was the best handcuff party I've ever been to.

That was the only handcuff party you've ever been to.

All right, that might be...

Look, I found a bed.

Oh, my gosh, what happened?

(chuckles)

Now, you have done so much for me.

What can I do for you?

Oh, I don't know.

(moaning)

Why are you tapping my head?

(chuckles, moans)

Oh, okay, I get it.

I get it, sure.

I know this move.

Mmm.

Put the old tie back.

Ah.

Okay.

Wow, these are really... tiny.

Um, are those frosted tips?

Do you like 'em?

Have you been to a place called Pubercuts?

Maybe I have and maybe I haven't.

Wait, that's a "T."

That's-that's the "Taco by Taco" promotion.

Oh, you know Taco?

You should try it.

Uh, uh, no, no, thank you, okay?

I've used Taco's homemade deodorant-- I'm not letting him put scissors down there.

Pubic barbershops are, like, totally in right now.

Yeah, they're in a van.

It's mobile.

They come to you.

You don't get this, do you?

No, I think you don't get it.

Oh.

I'm just... I'm gonna go.

You can keep my tiny underwear.

I'll see you later.

Taco.

Bam! Touchdown, Greg Jennings, from the flex.

Deal with that.

Wow. You should have a near-death flexperience more often.

I would love to, but Jenny won't be happy about it.

She didn't even like the way this one turned out.

Oh, I wonder why.

Maybe it's because, when you were dying, you didn't think about your wife and kids.

This is my last moment.

Can't it be about me and my true fantasies?

Why does your lineup even matter?

You're gonna be dead.

I'll always play fantasy football.

I'll set my lineup from the grave.

Well, good luck in the afterlife, Ghost Commissioner, but in this life you have a very upset wife.

I'll make it up to her.

I'll-I'll take her to dinner or something.

I'll take her to that place, Lemon, that you guys went to.

Good luck getting a reservation.

Sofia's sorority sister's the hostess-- that's the only reason we got a table.

But if you do go there, you got to try the escargot.

Taco... Mm-hmm?

Are you trimming Rachel's pubes?

Sorry, Pete, barber-patient confidentiality.

There is no such thing as "barber-patient confidentiality."

Oh, there isn't?

Well, then, yes, Rachel has a standing appointment with me... Oh... every Tuesday for a simple trim and some highlights.

Unless she's on her period.

Then... All right, you know what?

Enough. Let's just pretend there is barber-patient confidentiality.

What are you so upset about?

You guys are Eskimo brothers to begin with-- you both had sex with Heather.

Very different.

There was sufficient time between me and Taco.

It's like Chernobyl.

I waited three weeks before I got into the exclusion zone.

What is the half-life for semen?

I don't understand what's the big deal.

It's not like I notarized her vag*na or anything.

(groans)

I mean, professionally, what do you do with men, though, in that kind of situation?

Why-why do you ask?

Sofia doesn't like playing through the rough; she just wants to be on the green.

Why don't you give Pubercuts a ring and we'll pencil you in and I'll take that Questlove down to a Kevin Hart in 20 minutes.

How 'bout it?

Oh, Ruspin, welcome to Pubercuts.

Huh? What can I do you for?

Um, honestly, I just was hoping to get some clippers, maybe a little advice, and then we could both be on our way.

Look, Ruxin, this isn't a Walgreens.

Yeah.

I'm an artist.

How do you know my name is Ruxin certain times and other times it's "Ruspin"?

Your name is Ruspin Ruxin.

You think my first name is Ruspin?

Yeah, but everyone calls you Ruxin because you don't really like your first name.

Yeah, that's right, Taco.

Yeah. Look, Ruspin...

Sorry, Ruxin.

Thank you.

You want Sofia's luscious lips to "B" that "D" ever again?

Let me clean you up and give her a clear path to it.

(groans) I can't believe I'm doing this.

Okay, now, anything on the menu catching your eye?

What's the Fu Man Pube?

Fu Man Pube is two thin strips of hair going around your "D" all the way down to your "A."

Just a simple trim, okay, Taco?

All right, let's get you ready for your first Pubercut.

(grunts)

All right, you comfortable?

No, I feel like I'm about to give birth to the worst decision I've ever made.

Ah, that's what they all say.

All right, let's see what we got here.

Oh, boy. It's like a front lawn of a foreclosed home.

All right.

Let's just get you started here.

What is that?

It's a straight razor.

You're not coming close to me with that.

This is my tool.

You got to trust... Ow.

I'll use the clippers.

Okay, here we go.

Let's get you started.

(buzzing)

Okay, so, what do you want me to do with your taint?

It's pretty messy.

I don't want you to touch my taint.

Have it your way.

Don't blame me when Sofia pays it no attention.

Hey, Taco.

Hey, Gus, come on in.

Have a seat.

Can't he wait outside?

I'm not gonna wait outside.

There's a chair in here.

And you want to watch another dude get his pubes trimmed?

All right, what are you looking for this week, Gus?

Ooh, I don't know, probably just a little off the bottom.

If you like what I'm doing here...

Take a look at this.

I'll just move the shaft out...

Jesus, Taco.

Oh, boy.

What? What-what just happened?

I kind of accidentally gave you the Skrillex.

You shaved half of my pubes off?

I will fix it.

Don't you worry about a thing.

And here we go.

Take a little off there.

And... done.

All better.

Taco, you shaved me bare.

Gave you the Hairless in Seattle.

Are we done here?

Absolutely. Hot towel?

I don't want a hot towel...

All right, here.

(screams)

We're in, we're in.

(whoops)

That was fun.

Yeah, I've never been to a place that has "beer bong" on the menu.

(moaning)

It's fun to try new things, isn't it?

Yeah, it is.

Yeah.

(moaning)

Let's take this to the bedroom, huh?

The bedroom? No.

Wh-Whoa. Wha... Whoa.

On the couch.

Okay. You know what?

I am down and all on board for the "Taco by Taco."

Yeah?

Oh, yes, let's do it.

You are gonna love it.

Mwah.

You know what you're gonna love even more?

What?

Your "Taco by Rachel."

I don't know what that is, but I love all things Rachel.

(grunts)

Oh, there we go.

Okay.

Are you ready?

I am ready.

Oh, good.

Okay. Mmm.

Hmm?

What-what is that?

Is that, like, some weird Japanese cell phone or something?

I am going to shave you.

Wh... Oh, no, no, no, I've never done that.

I, uh... No, no, that's... Hey, there's a first time for everything.

Oh, wait, does it hurt?

How does... No, it hurts a little bit the first time, but I promise it feels so good after that.

Can we just talk about it?

Can you please trust me?

I want to trust you.

I just want my first time to be special, you know?

It will be so special.

Mmm.

I will be so gentle.

Mmm.

I promise.

Uh, can we start with just the tip, please?

Just the tip.

Mmm, okay.

I'll go so slow.

Okay.

(buzzing)

Ooh.

(moans)

Ooh... Oh, I don't know, I don't know, oh...

Ooh, it's so good.

Oh, it feels weird.

Mm, please, shh, shh...

Oh, my God.

Whew. So much pubic hair.

Can you guys take some of this home with you?

No.

What do you want us to do with the pubic hair?

I don't know, stuff some pillows with it.

It's fluffy.

Oh, make a crafternoon of it?

Guys, you are not gonna believe what happened to me.

What?

Rachel date-shaved me.

(laughing)

This is not funny.

She got me drunk, she took out the clippers, and before I knew it, zip-- I had the full-on Baby Geoffrey.

I was violated and I was deflowered.

Please, you were deforested.

Amateurs should not be clearing that kind of heavy brush.

Great, well, if you're the expert, then get over here and fix it.

The best I could do for you is I could transfer some of the hair from your head down to your crotch.

You're gonna give me a pubic hair wig?

Mm-hmm. Hair's hair.

A regular Vidal Buffoon.

This sucks.

I'm, like, on the I.R. now.

It's gonna be three weeks before I get a Howie Long going, another two years before I get my Polamalu back.

It's so itchy, too.

Ruxin, how are you dealing with this?

Sofia's got this Puerto Rican agave root formula that's supposed to stimulate growth, so, uh, I'm all taken care of.

Can you get me some?

No.

I'm your friend and I'm in pain over here.

I don't care about your penis, Pete!

Enough with the Puerto Rogaine stuff-- I have a real issue.

I need you to tell Sofia we need a reservation for that Lemon place.

No, no more favors, okay?

This is not a great time to ask Sofia for favors.

Last night's unveiling didn't go so well.

Oh, Lady Ruxin did not enjoy the Baby Geoffrey.

My penis does not look like my son's.

He doesn't have the meaty clackers that I'm working with.

They haven't descended yet.

I'm sure eventually he will grow the big, beautiful meatballs that I have, all right?

Sounds like someone has testicular hubris.

Well, I don't really give a sh*t because I need some of that special juice to make my pubes grow.

And I need a Lemon reservation.

No, no, no. Nobody's happy unless this guy's happy.

You're never happy.

Yeah.

Exactly.

(groans)

You know, I think I know of a way that we can get Ruxin to call Sofia for us.

Guys, guys, no, no, no, we cannot do this.

Come on.

We cannot do this.

(mechanized voice): Special straw forever unsanitary.

Holy sh*t, he sounds just like Ruxin.

What did I tell you, man, huh?

Hey, Donald, it's me, Kevin.

And this is my buddy, Pete.

We were hoping to borrow your voice so we could call our friend's wife.

Donald, you don't need to do this.

Shut it, chemo.

(Kevin and Pete laugh)

Great.

What do you say, Comrade, help us out?

What's in it for me?

I don't... I don't know.

Whatever you want.

Yeah.

Is the wife hot?

Yeah. Latin.

Donald's disease makes it impossible for him to get aroused.

Not true.

I get aroused up here.

That's really creepy.

All right, let's do this.

Well, we'll just get this out of the way.

I'll get Sofia on speaker.

You hang tight.

You're gonna get me kicked out of Caring Comrades.

We don't give a sh*t.

(grunting laugh)

Shh, shh, shh, shh, shh.

(phone rings)

(mechanized voice): Hey, babe.

Hey.

Can you call your friend at Lemon and get us a reservation for Friday?

Really? You want to go again?

Put the reservation under Kevin's name.

Kevin and Jenny might join us.

Oh, God, are you kidding me?

You know how I feel about them.

(whispering): What the...?

I do?

What's the deal with that agave stuff you put in your hair after that bad haircut?

Um, I-I got that when I was back home.

Why?

Back to Kevin and Jenny.

Remind me what your issue is with them.

But, first, the hair formula.

Where can I get some?

Restaurant. Hair stuff.

Rod... Rod-Rodney?

Skittle-kylock-forkman-zebn, K-K-K-K.

(quietly): Stop it.

Babe, you sound really stressed out.

Are you okay?

I am pretty stressed.

Maybe you can help me relax.

Over the phone.

You mean like... phone sex?

Oh, God.

Yeah.

Phone sex.

Okay, I mean it's better than sticking my face in your tumbleweed.

So what are you wearing?

I'm wearing that low-cut red and white dress that you like so much.

What are you wearing?

Red wind breaker, and some khakis.

You can lie, Donald.

Weird, but sexy.

I wish I was there to put my good hand on your breast.

Okay, I am rubbing my breast...

What are you wearing under your dress?

Oh, just a pair of skimpy yellow lace panties.

Take them off.

Oh, God, I don't want to see this guy's finger strokes.

Okay, I just took them off.

Holy sh*t, she did it!

What?

I mean, this is so hot.

(sighs) It is so hot.

What else would you like me to do?

Oh, no, we got to... Stop. Ow!

Send me a hot, naked photo of yourself.

I'm gonna send you a hot, naked, dirty photo of me.

But you better send me one in return, Rodney.

Oh, God.

I'm not taking that.

Here goes.

(low grunting)

Okay. Now your turn.

(phone chimes)

Well, hello.

All right, I can do something with that.

(grunts) Just gonna get this guy out.

How 'bout this bird's-eye view?

Now take my medical compression socks off with your teeth.

Okay, done, done.

This is over.

Thanks, jackass, now I'm going to get blue balls.

You can't get blue balls.

It's not possible.

Yes, it is. Up here.

(chuckles) How do you like that, sweetie?

(siren chirps)

Oh, balls!

Sir, license and registration.

What's the problem, Officer?

You were texting and driving.

Uh, no, sir, I wasn't.

Let me see your phone.

No, why don't you give me your phone?

Step out of the car right now.

Okay, here we are.

Sir, give me your phone.

Here you go.

Is this child p*rn?

No, that's a d*ck pic.

You're taking pictures of children's penises?

No, that is my penis.

It just appears childlike.

There's no way that this tiny thing is a grown man's penis.

It is! See those balls?

Those are a couple meaty clackers.

It's like when you give a dog a summer haircut, it looks smaller.

It's still the same dog.

Look, I'll show you, okay?

Sir, sir, really, I don't... Just look!

Just take a peek.

(stuttering)

I'm not gay.

I'm just showing you this... No!

God, I hate flex dilemmas.

Pierre Garcon, Wes Welker.

Wes Welker, Pierre Garcon.

Sir, I don't...

Sir, put that away.

Whoa, whoa. Is that Ruxin?

Oh, my God.

(gasps) Oh, shi...

Hi, Mommy, we love you.

Welcome to your life.

No, no, no, where is my near-death flexperience?

Pierre Garcon or Wes Welker?

We love you.

Oh, this is bullsh...

...it! (grunts)

(tires screech, crash)

Oh, bullshit. Oh... You should probably check on that.

Get back here! Get back here!

Come on!

Oh, I'm so happy you're okay.

I was having such a hard time figuring out who to set Kevin up with.

Dr. Nowzick.

Uh... On behalf of the hospital, I'd like to talk to you about Donald.

Look, I totally understand if you want to kick me out of Caring Comrades.

It was just... - What? No, I want to thank you for your generous donation.

Thank you.

Here they are.

Oh, boy, look at all these happy faces in here, huh?

Because of you.

Y-Yeah.

Because of your generosity, they're having a lot of fun...

Oh, look, they're drawing hair on their dinosaurs.

Uh, my generosity?

Mm-hmm. I donated all my clippings to Caring Comrades in your honor.

These are pubic hair wigs?

Yeah.

You can't make pubic hair wigs.

Hair's hair.

How many clients did you have?

That's mostly Ruxin.

His bush was huge.

Oh, my God.

Because of your generosity, we were able to wig the entire pediatric cancer ward.

And we had some left over for Donald.

(groans)

Look, uh, Donald, I-I can...

I know what it is.

And I like it.

(Andre groans)

Looking good, Robot Ruxin.

Looking good.