06x04 - When Rafi Met Randy

[bunniefuu]

(g*nshots)

(both yelling)

(both grunting)

Oh, no!

(both groans)

High five?

Oh.

Oh, Rafi!

Get up!

Get up, you big idiot!

Get up! Rafi! Rafi!

This is it, Evan.

We did it.

Bear Stearns Plaza.

The crown jewel of the Bear Stearns empire. And we were the ones that built it. Well, I think there's only one way to celebrate this.

You thinking what I'm thinking?

Both: Champagne!

(laughs)

Ooh, the good stuff!

To Randall and Evan!

Ah, oh! sh**t!

(screams)

Evan!

No!

Daddy, Daddy!

The ice cream truck didn't stop.

What?

Would you, hon? All right, three ice creams coming up! Thanks, Daddy.

Excuse me! Excuse me!

Hey, how are you?

Can I get three vanilla cones, please?

Isn't he the best daddy?

Yup.

Ooh, look at that.

(Evan screaming)

Thanks so much.

(woman screams)

No!

Why?!

Wait...

What is this place?

Where am I? Rafael, we have been expecting you. My name is Nurse Pam.

This is your orderly Mr. Spazanelli.

I'm gonna need you to fill out this paperwork.

I-I got to, I have to go back to home.

I have to go where my wife is and my kids.

Your wife is dead.

No!

Your children are dead.

No, that's not true!

So, marital status will be single and children is zero.

Oh!

I don't belong here.

I don't need to be here.

I think there's been some sort of mistake.

I think you do need to be here because I think you've tried to commit su1c1de over 75 times according to your file.

So, if you could fill out this paperwork.

Well, all these razor blades in my bag, I need those 'cause I might shave later, so don't take those. Okay, did you hear that, Spazanelli? I hate rats, so I need all the rat poison I have.

I have to hang myself later.

You get these back never!

What?

What? "Never"?! Wait... Why... That's not a time. Not never, like, just when you get checked out, that's when you get it back.

Okay, that sounds reasonable.

Practically never, though.

Okay, so you have tried to hang yourselves?

A bunch of times.

Doctor says I have something called strong neck.

This sh*t is tight as hell!

No, that's my Sidekick!

Not anymore.

What?! If you could just fill out the paperwork, that would be very helpful.

Hey, man, it sounds like you're really good at trying to commit su1c1de.

I'm good at "trying."

I suck at "doing."

I know. Me, too.

So, I called a su1c1de hotline 'cause I thought they would, like, give me advice...

No, it's not! They just talk you out of it!

They tried to talk me out of it, which I thought was rude!

Yeah, it was very rude!

I miss them so much.

What's your name, man?

Rafael.

I'm Randall.

Nice to meet you.

Oh, I'm, uh...

I actually don't shake hands.

I'm kind of a clean, neat freak, germophobe.

Oh, well, Clean Randall, huh?

Yeah, that's what they call me.

Oh, that's funny.

(chuckles)

(both grunting)

Spazanelli! This is your job!

You hold mine, I'll hold yours!

You have to do your job.

No! You're helping them!

You're helping them.

(both yelling)

No! No, I want to die!

I want to die!

Let's go! We're done!

It's the only job you have.

All right, psychos.

Here are your bunks.

You will keep your bunks clean.

If you do not keep your bunks clean, you will have to answer to me.

I am in charge here.

Mail time! Joel.

Neil, here's your mail.

Read up.

It's blacked out again.

I'm telling you there's no point in allowing the U.S. Postal Service to deliver my mail if you're going to black out all the pertinent information!

What is the introductory APR?

What poetry has been written to me by the coupon writers at Macy's department store?

All the important parts are still there.

And I'm going to keep this.

The cat magazine with a dickhole in it?

It's not an obvious dickhole.

Oh, it's obviously the size and girth of a d*ck.

It's not a dickhole.

Both: What is it for?

You can have sex with my magazine, just please tell me if they published my letter to the editor.

Come on, Howard.

That guy's super into cat magazines sexually.

Gentlemen, my name is Neil M. and this is my associate Mr. Joel Cock.

Cool name.

Welcome to the Cook County Psychiatric lnstitute, originally founded in 1812 for murderers, h*m* and people who didn't know how to sail.

Okay, let's start off our group therapy session as we always do-- checking in with just how insane everyone is feeling today. Neil?

I remain perfectly sane as I was last week.

For those of you who don't know my story, in the past I received a message from the future saying that I would wind up in an insane asylum.

I wait patiently for my future self to arrive so that I may secure his release.

I faked my insanity by stealing neighborhood pets, stuffing them inside each other and mailing them to professors.

"Neil as nutty as ever."

Not nutty. Certain.

Okay, now we have some new members of our group.

Would you guys like to introduce yourselves, please?

Hi. I'm Randall.

I guess I'm here 'cause I accidently caused the death of my best friend and business partner, and I've just been having a rough time lately.

Great.

I'm, uh, Rafael.

My family was k*lled in front of my eyes about six months ago on a city street in Chicago.

Wow, that's crazy.

A man, who had been pushed off of a 125-story building, fell on top of them, crushing them into the ground, creating a human disaster of organs, viscera and blood.

I have vowed to find out who pushed the falling man to k*ll him in a manner that befits the horrors that he fell upon me!

I will destroy him!

Top to bottom!

"T" to "B"!

Hope you find him.

Great. William, last week we were talking about your mother?

Yeah, I do, I don't want to talk-talk about my mother, just do, add 47...

She was making a grilled cheese sandwich for you.

She realized she forgot to put the tomatoes in and then she jumped inside the oven to k*ll herself.

I don't want you to talk about my mom in the oven!

Closed the oven door.

She stared at you through the little tiny window...

I don't want to talk about my mom!

Okay, look, look, you're upsetting him. He doesn't want to talk about it!

I-I think maybe just move on.

Maybe it's not working at all what Nurse Pam is doing here.

No, I don't think this particular thing is working.

Maybe it would be better if Nurse Pam sent William to electroshock therapy?

Why would he want that?

Robert, please take William to the electroshock therapy room.

Why did you do that to him?

(William yelling)

I feel like you're overreacting.

Yeah, it's disproportionate.

The punishment does not fit the crime here.

I'm gonna need you both to calm down.

We're being pretty calm actually, I mean...

Very rational. Lower your voices.

(quieter indistinct chatter)

And now I'm gonna need you both to sit down.

We are sitting.

I couldn't do this if I wasn't sitting.

I don't feel safe.

I got a code red. Kevin!

Please take them to the electroshock therapy room immediately. They're absolutely out of control. We'll walk voluntarily...

They're out of control!

I'm actually being very pragmatic, very open, very communicative.

I think we learned our lesson!

Yeah, what did we do?

Why are we even here?

Now, Rafael, before electroshock treatment, I usually call family members and let them know this is about to happen.

Uh-huh.

But yours are all dead.

Oh, come on. Hey, hey!

You can call my sister.

I don't know why we're doing this...

Now, listen, if I start smiling or laughing while it's happening, it's because I'm enjoying breaking you down.

Breaking us down? You don't have to...

(both grunting) It did make me laugh!

It did make me laugh.

Aah, it hurts!

Please don't do that again!

Please don't do that again!

All right, one more.

(both grunting)

Here we go.

All right.

(groaning)

There you... there you go.

You're all right.

(both groaning)

(both laughing)

That's not bad!

That one felt good.

Yeah, I'm kind of, like, energized like I just had an espresso.

I feel my personality is changing a little bit, though.

Yeah, but for the better, though, right?

Yeah, yeah, for the better.

(both grunting)

(laughs)

Screw you.

Yeah!

High five!

Gentlemen, time for exercise.

Why don't you exercise this?

No.

Why don't you exercise this?

(gasps)

Yeah!

That feels good.

(both grunting)

What was that-- five?

I'm gonna guess a four.

A six.

Hey, how about this?

Give us a two, then a seven, then a four.

My pleasure.

(both grunting)

I'm starving.

What...?

That's a turd. Big time.

(laughing)

It's his!

Did you find my turd?

She did!

I turded in there!

Yeah, totally!

So instead of eating your stupid sandwich, you can snack on a d*ck.

But we didn't have a d*ck...

No.

...so we turded in there!

Boom!

sh*t-d*ck!

Yeah.

Snack on it!

Shock us!

Shock us!

(shuddering)

Oh... oh. Is that the best you can do, bitch? Oh, no, I got more than that.

But first you do me, do me.

All right.

Okay, okay, okay.

You ready? Go!

(screams)

(laughing)

This is how they made the Incredible Hulk.

Guess what.

What?

I don't need these anymore.

Nice.

You do me while I do you.

That's a great idea.

Right? Brothers.

(screaming)

Hey!

Turn that off!

What is the matter with you idiots?

(laughing)

Nothing, nothing.

Hey, hey, easy.

We're all on the same team, man.

Ooh, my arm, ow. Rafael, Randall, are you okay? What happened?

Rafael and Randall?

They were electrocuted to death.

(laughs)

I took the power of electricity and I k*lled the lonely, emotional Rafael.

And now I am Rafi.

Exactly.

And I took Clean Randall and I acknowledged that I'm actually a filth monster who loves the grossest stuff on Earth, so I'm Dirty Randy now.

Yeah.

And also, now we can high-five.

We can high-five now.

We can high-five now.

How rad is that?

Every time!

Not that time.

Okay, not that time.

Heads up, turds!

Ooh!

Look who's here.

Sexy lady alert.

Please don't.

I hear you were in the electroshock therapy room today.

Yeah.

Unsupervised?

All day. Well, we've been there enough, so we kind of know how it works.

You are not allowed in there!

(quietly): Mr. Spazanelli, I need you to lower your voice...

Whoa, sassy.

Oh, look at this.

Ooh, he's hard.

His d*ck is hard.

His wiener's hard!

My d*ck isn't hard!

Yes, it is!

Oh, come on, man!

Please stop pointing at Mr.

Spazanelli's penis.

Prude.

(blowing raspberries)

Please do not make that sound and do not make that gesture again.

What-What's that?

What gesture?

(blows raspberry)

Please, Mr. Spazanelli, do not go... (blows raspberry)

But you asked him what...

(blowing raspberries)

I just asked you not to go...

Oh, you know what it is?

It's this... Uh...!

Please do not go "uh..."

But you can't do a "uh..." without a... (blows raspberry)

Well, then, don't do "uh..." so then you won't have to...

You know, what we did before was this...

(blowing raspberries)

Okay, okay, that's absolutely disgusting.

Let's all do it together. Nobody's gonna be doing it together. Doing what?

(blows raspberry)

Okay, enough!

Now, because you two have broken the rules today, it seems your friends are gonna have to pay.

What do you mean?

In fact, I see William has a personal effect on him.

My lunch box?

It's just his lunch box.

No, no!

(sobbing)

Collective punishment is...

Aah!

Neil, you okay?

Lockdown!

Give him back the box!

We will get you, Spaz!

Lunch box, lunch box!

Relax.

Do your numbers.

(mumbling)

This will not stand!

Maybe I can help.

Who are you?

I'm Greg.

I'm a black guy who has great ideas and I want to be a part of the g*ng.

Listen.

Spaz is always going to the attic.

Huh.

Welcome to the g*ng, Greg.

It's not a number!

Eight is a number.

Guys, Spaz is always going to the attic.

God, you're right!

That's brilliant!

♪ ♪

Tight.

Let's go.

Let's go.

♪
♪

I'll get to you later.

Whoa...

Hell, yeah.

Then the prophecy is true.

This is my bag.

You think my lunch box is up here?

Is my lunch box...

Whoa.

Video camera.

Holy sh*t!

Puka shells!

And flip-flops!

Hey, hey, check this out.

What... oh, my God.

You guys, look at this.

That is actually the coolest jacket I've ever seen in my entire life.

It gets better.

This was in the pocket.

Oh, my God!

This is Goonies.

This is grown-up Goonies.

I call Data!

Okay.

Whoa!

Lord Grapling's hook. And a rope ladder ladder rope. Are you thinking what I'm thinking? I'm thinking exactly what you're thinking, my friend. (laughing)

We are getting out of here!

Yow!

You guys gotta work on that.

That was a terrible high five.

We suck at it.

It was really bad.

See, the Goonies could do this.

Yeah.

Let's just try to do it slowly.

What?

Come on.

What it is...

All right.

Nice!

That was good!

You did it!

♪ ♪

Oh, yeah.

Yeah.

This is totally gonna work.

Totally.

I mean, he looks good.

He looks... really good.

No, he looks really good.

Oh, it's still Joel.

Yeah, but he looks amazing.

No, I'm Joel.

I'm still Joel.

Hi, Mrs. Joel.

Oh, boy.

Oh!

(giggling) Yeah, these'll work perfectly.

What's going on in here?

Oh!

(moaning)

Oh, yeah...

Can we help you, man?

Ooh...

Fantastic.

Oh, God... Oh... That was close, man.

Oh, I really started something here I can't come back from.

Oh, yeah, no, we're finishing this.

Okay, we should lock eyes.

Yeah.

Try to look a little dead, though.

(sighs) Okay, I think we're clear on the stairs. We get past the nurses' station...

Biggest problem's gonna be we don't have the code for this front door.

I know.

How are we gonna get the code to that front door?

Once we have that, we are out of this place!

We are home free.

Home free.

Okay, guys?

What do you think?

Anything.

Well, there's nine numbers on the key code.

Yeah, okay.

Nine times two is 18.

Yes.

So there's 18, uh... codes.

No.

That's not at all math.

That's number one.

Two tacos, 99 cents.

What-what does that mean?

No, no, that's a commercial we just saw.

That's okay, it's a discount offer, that's the best part.

Hang on, hang on, hang on.

He is on to something, though.

William, where are the tacos?

Hey!

Aah!

Aah!

Whoa.

I know what you guys are up to.

And I want in.

Absolutely.

Yeah. All we need is the code to the front door. It's easy.

4535.

Easy to remember.

8744.

No, no, no, 7769.

1111?

Pound pound pound.

Square, star, square, pound, square.

No, no, no, no. Okay, so it's, "no, no, no, no." No, no, no, no, no.

12! 12!

Is it 12?

No! Let's break it down into numbers, okay?

Four, five, three, five.

Thank you. But then I don't get a number and I'm, like, one of the leaders.

That's not fair.

Fine.

Electroshock has destro...

You guys, I've got it.

It's 4535.

Y... You got it?

Okay, we got it.

We got it.

Now tell me about these tacos.

Good game, guys, good move.

Good move.

Good move, Joel, you got this.

I think you got this.

It's not a real... it's not a game, it's...

Shut up, shut up.

We're just pretending, shut up.

Spaz, watch the nurses' station.

I'm gonna go have a cigarette.

All right, I'll come with you.

But I just said to stay here and watch the nurses' station.

Okay.

(whispering): Now.

(whispering): Now.

Now.

Joely, boy... do me proud.

Down the hatch, trash mouth.

Chew, chew, chew.

Something's wrong with Joel!

Oh, no!

I care!

(retching, coughing)

Oh, no! Oh, no!

Oh, God, oh, God!

Oh, no!

Are you all right?

Here. More pills, here.

Open up, open, open, open.

Get 'em in there.

Get 'em in there, get 'em all in there.

Help! Help!

We need more pills!

We need more pills!

Hey, Nurse Pram.

I'm Nurse Pram.

There's a p*rn on TV.

What the hell?

Everyone, look!

Oh, no!

I'm an inmate who's crazy... crazy in love with you.

A really well-done p*rn movie's on the screen.

What are those for?

Are you gonna tie me up?

You'll see.

I can't wait to see.

Oh, God, yeah.

Oh... oh, it's so hard.

It's so hard!

The rope is so hard! Say... The reaction we're getting is fantastic.

I know.

That guy is jerking off so hard right now. You did a great job directing this. Thanks, man.

(grunts)

Is it in?

Is it in?

Yeah.

You really got that whole thing in your ass, man.

Thanks, man.

Hey, Spazanelli, great work.

Call me Spaz.

Call him Spaz.

Right?

Spaz.

In my face...

Get the machine!

This machine?

Yeah.

That machine. We should 100% do this for a living. 'Cause we love it and we're great at it.

Whoa... (laughing)

What's going on in here?

Settle down... oh, Jesus Christ.

Stop it! Calm down.

We should get going, guys.

Yeah, we should get going.

Let's go.

Get-get against the wall.

Get him over there.

Will you put it back in?

It's in there.

Jesus.

Oh, is it?

Come here, come here!

I'm so beautiful.

Somebody turn that off!

Shock him. Shock, shock.

Not sure who that is, but shock them definitely.

Sho... Actually... No, do sho...

Yeah, don't shock him.

You know what?

Shock him. Who cares?

Thank you, Spaz!

Okay.

Whoa! Your lunch box!

(gasps)

My lunch box!

This is turning out to be the best day ever.

That's nice.

All right, let me check.

Yeah, visiting hours are until 8:30.

sh*t! There's two orderlies at the front desk.

Damn it! What are we gonna do?

Damn it! What are we gonna do?

Nothing! We're screwed!

There's nothing we can do!

We've come all this way for nothing!

No, wait!

I'll distract the guards... two, three, four.

But then you'll be stuck in this place forever.

You won't be able to escape.

I have all I need.

My numbers-- two, three, four.

And my lunch box!

Aw, gross!

Anyone want a bite?

No! No!

(all gagging and retching)

I'll take care of it.

Me and my lunch box.

No problem.

You're welcome.

Hi!

William, you know you're not supposed to be down here!

Guess what number I'm thinking off. I don't care what number you're thinking of... Five! (laughs)

Three, two, four, one, four, three, lunch box, lunch box!

Come back here, you!

It's locked!

Raf, put in the code!

Put in the code!

What? I don't know the code.

Where's Greg? Greg knows the code.

Who's Greg? Greg-- black guy with great ideas, he's part of our g*ng? What?

Oh, I'm sorry. The African-

American guy!

Now is not the time to be politically correct, Randy!

You actually think there's a black guy that's part of our group? That's why you keep saying the N-word!

Yes, I do because he says it, then I say it 'cause I want to be cool with him!

There's no patient named Greg in this facility.

Come on! What?!

Oh, wait, no, Greg! Greg!

What's the code?

Sorry, buddy. This is the end of our journey.

There's no one there.

You're not talking to anyone.

Oh, no!

Here they come.

Hey, get away from that door!

Get away from that door!

What?!

No! No!

Are you serious?!

No!

Come on, man! Not cool!

No!

Rafael, Randall!

Get off of me!

Both of you are gonna start paying for your actions.

And there's gonna be major consequences starting now!

Ooh!

A little electroshock?

I could use a tune-up.

Both of you have exceeded the state limit for electroshock therapy.

Awesome!

Nice!

You've both been scheduled for lobotomies tomorrow morning.

What?

What?

What? No. You can't do that!

The brain's the biggest erogenous zone.

It's done.

What? No!

It's-it's done?! When?!

No, I mean, it's done as in it's, it's definitely happening.

Okay, okay.

It's scheduled.

Wait, wait. I know how to get out of this lobotomy. Watch this.

I'd like to check myself out of this facility, please.

(laughs)

Wait, what?

I'm here voluntarily.

What? What does that mean?

You know, the State would really prefer you stay here for further treatment. You mean get lobotomized like this idiot? No, thank you.

I need my brain.

Okay, then there's just a few forms I'm gonna need to sign before you go if you wouldn't mind.

Okay, yeah, no problem.

You can't do this!

And your address right there.

Oh, uh, you know, for now, I'm just gonna put "under a bridge."

Works for me. Thank you.

Thank you.

Wait, what are you doing, Ra-Randy, what are you doing?

Before I go, I got to tell you something.

I love you, too.

That's not what I was gonna tell you.

Okay.

I k*lled your family.

Wha-what?!

Okay, I didn't technically k*ll your family, but the guy who did fall on your family...

The falling man?!

Oh, yeah! I k*lled him by accident. You-you made the falling man fall?! All right, man, look, you got it easy.

I got to walk through life remembering all this sh*t.

You're gonna have that part of your brain taken out of your head tomorrow.

I want my brain and I want to be best friends with you for the rest of time!

I can't be best friends with a brainless idiot, I mean...

I get it. You're cool.

I'll leave you with these words-- I'll see you on the flippity-flop. All right, nice meeting you guys. Cool beans, man.

Super cool beans.

Yeah, yeah, super cool.

All right, oh!

You're a great guy.

Too slow.

That was awkward!

Cool, cool. Why is everybody getting along so well?! No! Randy, no!

No! No, Randy!

Don't leave me!

So, in order to perform a successful lobotomy, one needs a giant nail and a teeny, teeny little baby hammer.

Are those medical terms?

Then you press the giant nail right next to the ear lobe.

Wait, what are you doing?

No, you don't! That's not how you do a lobotomy.

A lobotomy you go in through the nostril.

I'm doing an ear lobotomy.

There is no such thing as an ear lobotomy.

I'll do a throat lobotomy.

There's no brain in the throat.

I've done a**l lobotomies.

Okay, I'm listening.

But if you want a nasal lobotomy, that's pretty out there stuff, but I'm willing to give it a try.

Wait, now?

I'm coming for you, Rafi!

(grunting)

This is gonna be real gross.

Say good-bye to your thoughts, your dreams and your hopes for the future.

What?

Yeah!

What the hell?!

(grunts)

I'm here to rescue him!

You're too late.

Let's go, homie!

Yeah!

(both grunting)

You okay?

Yeah!

Did they lobotomize you?

I don't know.

Oh, looks like a little bit.

Will you ever be able to forgive me for what I did to your family?

What family?

Works for me.

Security!

(both laughing)

Hey, look!

Whoa! Whoa!

Guys! Nice!

Keep that safe for me, Joely.

Looks like we're getting out of here.

I really did see you on the flippity-flop.

(laughs)

(both yell)

No!

Oh, Rafi!

Wake up!

Oh, man, he's dead!

I k*lled my best friend again!

Oh, God!

Rafi!

(gasps)

No!

Rebecca Ruxin?!

No! What happened?

Rafi! What happened to him?

Oh, Randy m*rder*d him with his g*n.

Come on, dude!

You animals!

Don't you leave me!

Don't you leave me!

Don't you leave, my prince!

Not today! Here, here!

Let these guide you back.

Let these guide you back.

Don't go to the light. Come back to me....

Let them g... (gasps)

(grunts)

Are you okay?

I am now that you're here.

It's a mitzvah.

Yes.

It is a mitzvah.

(g*nshots)

We are gathered here today to join Rebecca and Rafi together in holy matrimony.

Congratulations, my friend.

Thanks, man.

Jenny: Rafi looks so handsome.

Andre: Where's Ruxin?

Pete: Not invited.

...why this man and woman should not be joined in holy matrimony, speak now or forever hold your peace.

I have something I have to say!

You cannot get married.

Not without your best man.

Hey, Brian, take a hike, you dumb dildo.

Kevin: Thank Christ.

You got a lot of nerve showing up here. I got to ask you something, big man. I'm listening.

Can you forgive me for what I did-- smushing your family and sh**ting you?

I do.

(short laugh)

Wow.

I made these from the b*llet I sh*t you with. Now, go make an honest Jew out of her. I plan on it.

And with the placing of these rings, I now pronounce you man and wife!

You may kiss the bride.

(all cheering)

Congrats, Rafi!

Rafi, Rafi, get up, you big idiot!

Rafi, Rafi!

Rafi!

(gasping)

I can't believe mouth to mouth worked.

That wasn't mouth to mouth.

That was true love's kiss.

You saved my life.

I'll never do anything to hurt you ever again.

Where'd you get that?

Don't worry about it.

(g*nsh*t)

Oh! Ah, turns out it is still loaded, guys. My bad.