06x06 - Breast Awareness Month

[bunniefuu]

So how are you doing, Mr.

MacArthur?

Kevin: Pretty good. Any side effects from the Andro-Lube? No, not really, no.

I mean, except for the burning.

Ugh.

Did you put it directly on your penis?

Yes, very generously.

We had a pretty thorough conversation about how you should not put it directly onto your genitalia.

I don't recall that.

You don't? They should probably put that on the label. Oh, it's on there.

Did you, uh, read the label?

Nope.

Right, but it's effective for you?

Yes. Except, don't get it in the hole, because then...

You put it directly in the hole?

Game-changing. Because I figured, you know, why not start from the inside out?

Well, there are several medical reasons you wouldn't do that.

Horrible.

Uh-huh.

Should I be worried?

In very rare cases, there are growths and tumors, but your blood and urine samples should be back soon.

In the meantime, why don't we just do a manual check. Lift up the hood, see what we got. All right.

There we go. Got any big plans for the weekend? Wouldn't say big.

No?

How about you?

Heading up to Lake Geneva this weekend with my boyfriend.

Boyfriend? Boy... There a problem with that, Mr. MacArthur?

No. No, no, no, no, no.

I love gay doctors.

Oh, do you? Yes. My ear, nose and throat guy: gay. Like, flaming gay.

Flaming?

Flaming!

So you think we're all flaming?

I wouldn't put you in the category of flaming.

Mm-hmm.

He's in flaming.

You're in Anderson Cooper.

I see.

It seems like you're taking this the wrong way.

I'm saying you would love this guy.

You're trying to set me up with him, is that it?

Maybe. I-I mean...

Even though I've established I already have a boyfriend?

Because we're all promiscuous and we'll just sleep with anyone that comes along.

I thought that was one of the perks.

I think your lab work should give us everything we need to know.

Have a good day, Mr. MacArthur.

Enjoy Lake Geneva.

Use protection-- sunscreen.

I know what I did was wrong, but I just find it weird. I do.

Pete: I disagree.

If you want the best penis doctor, you're not gonna find anyone more expert than a gay man.

Taco: I mean, the man takes his work home with him.

Like me, his profession is his passion.

Jenny: It's totally normal, Kevin.

You met my gynecologist-- single, straight guy, drives a motorcycle, really strong hands.

All right, all right, all right, thank you, thank you.

But it's not weird.

No, it's weird.

I mean, would you like if your girlfriend went to a male gynecologist?

This is not an issue for me.

Rosette and I broke up.

Those love pants didn't do anyone any favors.

Andre: Hey-hey!

Oh, my God.

Wow, wow, wow.

Andre.

Look at this!

Thank you very much. Did you Bling Ring Elton John's house? Oh, the pink?

I'm wearing it for Breast Cancer Awareness Month.

So you're telling us that you purchased the hat, the shirt, the sweater and the shoes all for Breast Cancer Awareness Month?

Well... I purchased them separately, but I thought this was a great opportunity to wear...

You are so full of sh*t.

Andre, look, if you want to wear pink, just wear pink.

You don't have to exploit breast cancer awareness for your fashion purposes.

I'm not exploiting it.

NFL players wear pink in October.

I'm like an NFL player.

Kevin, back us up on this.

This is ridiculous, right?

I can't.

I'm on h*m* probation.

Thank you.

Oh, God.

No.

I'm going to get a drink.

You're not seeing patients in that ensemble, are you? No. I have a pair of pink scrubs, you dummy. Perfect.

Hey, can I get another beer please?

Pete. What are you doing out on a work night? Oh, hi, Amy.

I'm trying not to get busted by someone I work with.

(laughs) I won't tell the King of Chardonnay unless you do.

Deal. I like your style.

You look good out of the office.

Well, you look good out of the office, and you look good in the office.

Oh. Aren't you dating Rosette from digital marketing?

No. That is over.

That ship has sailed.

Oh, I'm so sorry.

I'm not that sorry.

(Amy laughs)

When's Ruxin coming back anyway?

Who cares?

Guys, I just got a date.

With who?

Back in the game.

Check it out.

At the bar right there.

Oh, the Asian girl?

Yeah.

Yeah, but that's two Asian girls in a row.

So what?

Yeah, you can't do that.

Why not? 'Cause that means you have an Asian thing. Yeah.

And girls don't want to date a guy who has any kind of thing.

Yeah. Then they wonder, like, oh, is he into submissive girls?

Has he been rejected by his own kind?

Is he only attracted to women with boyish figures?

Yeah, like Kevin. Hey, I don't have a boyish figure. Whoa, I got a text from Korea.

It's Ruxin saying when he first met you, he thought you were a pre-op transsexual.

What? Are you just having that phone on so Ruxin can insult me from Korea?

No, that's from before.

He sent me a list of insults, and I junpet's appropriate.

Oh, here's one.

"Pete, stop giving Kevin a hand job underneath the table."

Oh...

He apologizes.

He says it's obvious, but he's very busy.

Hey.

Ah! Ellie, what the hell?

Language.

It's for charity.

(Jenny sighs)

You owe me a dollar.

For this ribbon you just stabbed me with?

It's for breast cancer awareness.

Ellie, I'm aware.

You're aware.

Nobody is not aware of breast cancer.

Fine, here.

Tell me when it's November.

That's Bullying Awareness Month.

Oh, that's more appropriate.

You know what, I'm done here.

Do you want to just go for frozen yogurt?

Yeah.

Awesome. Help me up.

(sighs)

Feral child.

Mmm. Ooh. Mom, you have to weigh and pay before you eat. Oh, please.

I insist.

Really?

You're very brave.

Thanks.

Um... so are you.

Parents, right?

Oh, it's on the house.

Really?

Free yogurt?

All month long.

Thank you.

Uh, there is one more though, and she's got, like, 40 bucks worth of toppings.

That's on us, too.

You are so brave.

Wow. Um, thank you. My mom had breast cancer, too. Really?

Now it's just me and my daddy.

I don't know how you juggle it all.

I know. These kids are a nightmare.

Ellie, come on.

Let's go. You've got enough.

Thank you again so much.

I am coming back.

Yes, you are gonna be back for so many more free yogurts.

Thank you. You just keep that fighting spirit. You got this.

What's up, Bill?

I've noticed something lately.

Something I didn't know before, and I'm frankly quite surprised.

Listen, if there's an issue, I'm happy to... I didn't know you had an Asian thing. Right?

Wait... uh, Bill, just because I dated Rosette and now I think Amy's cool, it doesn't mean I have an Asian thing. Listen, when you date two out of my four Asians, that's a thing.

It's not a big deal.

Everybody's got a thing.

Myself... I'm into horsey-face women.

I'm sorry, did you say "horsey-face women"?

Uh-huh. Women with long jaws and teeth.

Nostrils that flare up when they get angry.

Or excited.

Okay, yeah, I got it.

I guess... Got your Carly Simons, your Alanis Morissettes. Hilary Swank, ooh.

Wow. (chuckles)

(intercom beeps)

Yes? Mr. Haddock, we're ordering lunch.

What are you in the mood for?

I don't know, what do you think about some sushi, Pete?

Okay, right.

(groans) Time to pick a kicker, Chalupa Batman.

It's the having to eat your vegetables of the fantasy world.

Hey, guys.

That new yogurt place is amazing.

They're just, like, doling out free yogurt, "Come back anytime."

Really? They're nice, huh?

Yeah, they were super nice.

You think they were nice because they think that you have cancer?

What?

Babe, they saw you in the bandana; that's what they think.

Just because I'm wearing a bandana, I have cancer?

I don't think so, Kevin.

Yes! People equate bandanas with cancer.

Just like they equate fanny packs with tourists.

And-and long skirts and high collars with bipolar, you know?

It's a disease, that's what...

People put two and two together.

Stop.

Speaking of disease, I need you to check this out.

What? We are not doing this in the dining room.

First of all, that has never stopped us before. Second of all, this is bad, okay? Whoa!

There is something wrong.

I went to Dr. Ewing, and he would not give me the examination I needed him to.

Is that how they do it?

So you got to do it.

Give me your hand.

No, I'm not... no.

It's called a self-exam because you do it to yourself.

When you invite someone else to do it, it's foreplay, which I am down for, but not right now.

Early detection is the key.

What if I end up losing one, or maybe even both of my balls?

I mean, they've kind of served their purpose, right?

(Kevin gasps)

You're being very dramatic.

I think you've kind of become a hypo-cock-driac.

Oh, really?

Mm-hmm.

Well, there's something wrong, and you're gonna be real sad when we're burying my testicles in the backyard.

They're fine, I promise.

No, look at them please!

No.

One's heavier than the other!

I can't see Dr. Ewing for another two weeks, so I don't know what to do.

I-I mean, there's something really wrong down there.

You have, like, testicular Munchausen's.

No, Andre, you would not know what it's like to have a pretty cock and great balls.

Now, granted, my cock has taken some abuse over the years, with the naginata and the fire, but my balls are still great.

These are blue chip balls, Andre.

Okay, all right.

Why are we talking about balls so much, here? Isn't this Breast Cancer Awareness Month? It is.

You know we have to go to a bake sale now at Ellie's school?

For breast cancer awareness?

Yes.

Can someone please explain to me how selling me a snickerdoodle is going to cure the problem of cancer?

Well, we can't cure the problem of cancer, but we can cure the problem of bye weeks if you take Golden Tate and I take Torrey Smith.

It's a fair trade, am I right?

Okay, fine, we can make that... ouch!

Jesus, Andre! How long have you been single now? I don't know, like, what, like 13 months and five days?

(laughs)

Oh.

Salami vice.

Yeah, he's got salami vice.

He's got that death grip.

How many times a week you jerk off, Andre?

30? 40?

Okay, I am not sitting around my apartment jerking off, okay?

Trixie and I had a very passionate love life and that fire b*rned very hot...

Ugh... - ...and I need to keep on putting coal into that furnace...

No, no...

Okay, all right, enough.

Gentlemen.

Now that Taco Corp's made the nut of all nuts, I've decided to give back to society.

Taco Corp has started a charitable wing called Taco Cares and our first initiative is Breast Awareness Month.

Breast Cancer Awareness.

No, no, no, no.

See, that's the problem.

Why celebrate the cancer?

We should be celebrating the breast.

Vaginas have always gotten their due credit, as they should.

Past 15 years have been great for asses.

But what about the breast?

It's been a little forgotten.

I intend on bringing back the golden age of the breast.

Even breasts like Jenny's deserve some respect.

What's wrong with my boobs?

Kevin loves these boobs.

Yeah, I have to.

Who's with me?

That's the spirit, Pete!

Here you go, Kevin.

(whoops) No, no... There we go. Yes!

Please, open up your wallets and your bras and donate.

Wait, you're the one who has all the money.

Well, as a charity, I'm not gonna use my own money.

You know what? Enough.

I actually have a legitimate problem.

You guys were right about this whole Asian thing.

Everyone at the office has started, like, whispering, like, "Oh, Pete's got an Asian thing."

Which sucks, 'cause I actually really like Amy. I don't want her to think I have a fetish. You can't go Asian back-to-back. You have to have a buffer in there. That's kind of brilliant, actually.

So, basically, I need to have a full relationship with someone non-Asian by Friday, break up with her and then I'm clear for Amy.

Where are you gonna find someone by Friday?

Oh, I got somebody in mind. Amy...

Looking forward to Friday. Me, too.

Hey, Shauna.

Hi, Pete.

You know, I was thinking. You and I should go out sometime. Yeah.

Yeah, yes, we could.

Any-any time you want, yes.

Great, how about tonight?

I'll just need to, um, run home and turn off my Crock-Pot.

Unless you want to have Crock-Pot meatballs. (giggles)

No, you know what? Never mind.

My house is too dirty to have people in.

Oh, you're blowing it.

Shauna, what are you doing?

Forget tonight.

Why don't we just go right now?

We just go to, like, a happy hour or something?

Yes.

Let's go now.

All right, let me get my jacket.

Get your jacket.

I'll see you really soon.

(sniffs)

It's not great, but it's okay.

Let's just get in here, get Ellie... And 12 cupcakes. ...and get out of here.

I just want to go home. Wait... were you supposed to bake something? Eh.

I never do, though.

No one notices.

Okay.

What is Taco doing here?

I have no idea.

Just want you to know, ladies, I am very aware of your breasts.

Taco Cares, okay?

Breasts?

What are you doing?

This is a school.

Yeah, it's important.

I'm leaving behind some Breast Awareness Month literature.

Did you guys know that one in three nipples goes to bed unfondled?

What is all this?

These?

These are sad nipples.

Is that Mom?

Yeah, yeah, that's Mom in the '60s.

Her breasts looked great back then, until you ruined 'em.

We ruined Mom's breasts. We.

This is Andre's Aunt Kiki.

She was a boat model.

Very large.

Who's that?

That's my neighbor Russ.

He's really out of shape.

Now, guys, would you like to take part in our Sponsor a Breast Program?

For only 30 cents a day, you can sponsor a pair of Third World titties.

Your money's gonna go towards a bra and every month you get a photograph of your breasts to see how they're doing.

No. No.

You guys are really not charitable people whatsoever.

But you...

Those breasts need my awareness.

I'll be right back.

They're gonna kick us out.

Yeah.

Mom.

Hey.

Where are the cookies?

You didn't tell me I was supposed to make any.

It's a bake sale.

It's implied.

Oh, man. Cheryl.

She is gonna totally ream me for not baking anything. Will you just...

Well, you should've baked something.

It's a bake sale.

Just go cover for me.

No, I don't want...

Ah, the MacArthurs.

Hello, Cheryl.

Well, I see that you've come empty-handed again. No, I... I have...

I brought my charm. Can't sell that.

Cheryl, hi. What's that you said about showing up empty-handed? Oh. Oh...

Oh, my... when... when were you diagnosed?

What?

I knew it!

You do have cancer!

And that is why I just couldn't bake the cookies.

Of course.

There's actually someone that I would really love for you to meet. Uh, Pam?

Pam! Pam... Hi. Hi. This is Pam.

She's Cindy's mom.

She has cancer, too.

That's right.

Oh, my God.

I'd love you to join us.

I have a support group that's starting up in just a few minutes in the choir room and they say sharing is the best medicine.

I would think medicine would be the best medicine.

No. Like radiation and chemo and removal and... Well, those are helpful, but not entirely the best.

No, not like sharing.

No. Honestly, my prognosis is very good.

I feel great, I...

If-if you're too weak to bake, you-you probably need our help.

We have to take Ellie home.

Yes. This has been very tough on her.

While you're with Pam, I can just take her to the children's support group.

That's right, my daughter Cindy's in there, so you can be with her. Thank you.

You're welcome. Let's-let's learn about the three pillars of coping. Ah...

So why don't we head that way?

Give me one minute.

You take your time.

Thanks.

Oh, great, great, great.

Great, thank you.

Oh, my God.

You are lying to our daughter that you have cancer to get out of baking cookies.

I will tell her the truth after the bake sale is over.

She is going to be thrilled it was just a little pink lie.

We're going to the seventh layer of hell.

I thought I lost you two.

Oh, no, no, no.

I gotta get you to come.

We have a terrific guest speaker, so come on.

Let's go.

Oh...

Boy, you really enjoyed those wings, huh?

(giggles) Yeah.

I love little buffalos.

You can have mine if you want. Just go ahead.

Oh, we can take 'em, wrap 'em up, put 'em in my purse.

We can eat 'em for breakfast.

You know what?

I'm gonna take some pictures of us.

All right. Let's get some close-ups, here. Okay.

All right.

Look at us, like a real couple.

Okay. Okay, all right, good.

(giggling)

Let's get this going here.

Whoa, you're posting it to Facebook?

Yeah, I'm gonna put it on Twitter, I'm gonna put it on Facebook, I'm gonna put it on Vine.

All right, what do you think?

Should we be... Shpete?

Or what about Pauna?

We have a couple's name already?

Yeah. Come on.

Okay!

Let's get a good one... let's get a good one right now.

Okay, a good one.

Yeah.

Oh, wow, that buffalo sauce is really strong.

Yeah, it's real strong.

(clears throat)

Oh, look at this. Well, well, well, what do we have here? Oh, Shpete.

So cute.

(sighs)

Salami vice.

You're such a good girl.

Hungry?

Ooh, watch those fingers, girl.

(clicks tongue) Yeah.

So regal.

(phone beeps)

Ooh, excuse me.

Huh.

Not Asian.

He is really plowing his way through that office.

Welcome, everybody.

I'm glad to see you here.

Let me introduce to you the chairman and CEO of Taco Corp, and its charitable foundation Taco Cares, Mr. Taco MacArthur.

What?

What?

(applause)

Thank you. Thank you.

I love the bandanas.

I am also a g*ns N' Roses fan.

"Hello!

My name is 'Take-o.'"

It's very nice to meet you all.

Breasts are beautiful things.

But all too often, they go unnoticed.

Like the homeless guy in the street we walk right by on our way to the vag*na.

No. No, please.

Yeah.

Now, the breast has four parts.

The magma, the firm part, the squishy part, and then the soft part.

Before we get into the fun stuff, I do have to talk about a subject that's a little uncomfortable: breast hygiene.

What?

Nobody wants a dirty titty.

No. No, Taco.

Oh, my God. You got to shine them titties up with baking soda and buttermilk.

I'm sorry...

You just mix...

This... I don't understand what this has to do with breast cancer.

Nothing to do with cancer.

Why is everyone so obsessed with cancer?

Because this is a breast cancer support group, and you do work for breast cancer awareness.

No, no, no, no.

I never said cancer.

Do not put words in my mouth.

I am here to teach women the importance of their breasts.

To tell them how special their breasts are. Women like Jenny here, who wasn't given much. What?

What? But she does so well with those tiny little bee stings. How dare you?!

She has clearly had a radical double mastectomy.

The fact that you haven't had breast reconstruction and that you walk around looking like that-- so courageous.

Good for you. Good for you.

What?

It's beautiful. And let's hear it for her husband, who's here supporting her.

And he teaches us a very valuable lesson: that he can still light up, get active for what is just a wasteland.

But he can grease it...

Thank you.

Whoa, whoa, whoa!

Whoa, Pam!

What?! Okay, this is no barren wasteland.

This is a beautiful wonderland that he loves exploring.

They're not bad. I like them.

Now, that is the breast awareness spirit.

Here you go.

Do you even have cancer?

Um... funny thing.

Um... no.

Oh...

The thing is, I am a distracted, overextended mother, and I didn't want to bake any flipping cookies.

Okay, excuse my monster wife.

Okay? I am so sorry about your cancer.

If it makes a difference, I actually might have testicular cancer. I might.

He might have cancer...

No. This is our month.

Your month is April!

You need to go.

Let's go. Let's go.

Great idea. Let's go.

Thank you so much.

Good-bye.

The cookies were lovely.

Hope to see you guys. That's right, ladies, it's your month! (whoops)

Hey, Shauna.

Oh, hi, Pete.

So, listen, I want to say, this has been a very important relationship to me. Ugh, wish I could say the same. What?

I don't think we should see each other anymore.

Wait, are you... are you breaking up with me?

I feel like I saw kind of everything you are.

There's really not much going on.

You know when you go to a pool at a hotel and you're like, "Oh, yeah, this pool's sexy"?

(chuckles) Then you get in, you realize the whole thing is just two feet.

You can't dive anywhere.

And it's kind of dirty.

Think I get it. Everyone's, like, suntan lotion is floating on it. It's gross.

You know what? Okay.

Good talk.

You're just like, "Ugh, I don't want to get that in my mouth!" Hey.

Hey, Amy.

You ready for our date tonight?

What up, Pete?

Hey, Tyree. Uh, one second.

I'm just gonna finish up here.

Actually, I just needed Miss Amy for a minute.

Hey. (giggles)

So, uh, we good for tomorrow?

Yeah. I can't wait.

All right, baby.

See you then.

Later, man.

Bye, Tyree.

W-Wait, you're going out with me on Friday night and then you're going out with him on Saturday night?

What's going on?

So, my ex-boyfriend was black, and Tyree is...

(whispers): black.

Yeah, I noticed that.

And so I wanted to sandwich you in between so people don't think that I only date black dudes, you know?

So you have a black thing.

Oh, yeah.

Big-time. (chuckles)

I got to say, I am honored and humbled that you asked me to do this.

I feel like it brings our friendship to a whole new level.

Me, too. An all-time low.

You know, fine.

I'm not gonna do it.

It was a favor...

Okay, all right, all right.

Andre, would you please examine my testicles?

Fine. Let me just kind of explain what I'll be doing here today. I'll be taking my hand... Uh-huh.

...and I'll be going under your shaft, around your scrotum, and I'm gonna be massaging...

Massaging? Yes. I will be getting from the back, kind of rubbing up forward.

All right, I just want you to check to see if something's wrong please.

All right.

And here we go.

Getting close.

And that's me.

That's me.

Okay. All right.

And that's you. Hi.

I know. Just look right into my eyes here.

I will not... I will not look into your eyes.

This trade we made was great, and I'm excited about that.

Am I right, buddy? Come on.

Ow. Andre, please.

There you go, there you go.

Easy, easy, easy, easy, easy, easy! (screaming)

Whoa, whoa, whoa!

Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

Oh! Ow!

It's my d*ck hand.

It's gotten more powerful.

Why would you use your d*ck hand? Why wouldn't you use your ball hand?

I don't know. I was too busy trying to make eye contact with you, and I just got lost in the moment!

Why are you using such a tight grip on your d*ck anyway?

Well, if you have to know, Trixie had a very tight lady purse, and I just...

Oh, no, no, no.

No. No, thank you.

No, thank you.

I just need to re-create the feeling, that's all. I mean, look, it's not a weird thing. Oh, God.

You know, just-- it's a little extra pressure.

Look, we're still on for that trade, am I right?

Fine, just... ow!

Oh, God!

Oh, God, oh, God, oh, God.

I'm so sorry.

I'm so sorry!

Forget this happened.

(door closes)

I'm a monster.

Mr. MacArthur, what a pleasant surprise.

Dr. Mike, thank you so much for seeing me.

Uh-huh.

You know, your appointment wasn't until next week.

I know, but I-I need you to look at my balls.

You need me to look at your balls?

Yes. I've been spending a lot of time down there recently, and something is not right, you know?

One feels like an egg and one feels like a little grape.

Uh-huh. A grape?

All I know is I haven't been able to put my gel on for the last five days.

I cannot tell you enough times, you're not supposed to put gel down there, sir.

Please, you have to take a look at it.

All right. All right.

Okay.

Let's take a look.

No! No, no, no!

No, I... I can't.

I-I can't, I can't, I can't.

I can't do that.

What's wrong, Mr. MacArthur?

Did you just remember I'm a gay doctor?

No. No, no.

Just, my buddy grabbed my balls too tight.

Just squeezed them.

Okay. I think I see what's going on here.

Oh, God, what is it?

You're confused.

What?

You're having a crisis in regards to your sexuality.

Me?

I mean, you come in here, you have your stereotypically limp wrist, you have your pink accessories.

No. No, no, no.

You wanted me to touch your balls, and then you didn't want me to touch your balls.

You want a gay urologist, but you're also afraid of having a gay urologist, because what if you like it?

No, I'm not gay.

I'm married and have two kids.

Your wife-- does she have a boyishly athletic figure?

Does everyone say she's one of the guys?

Sh... yes. Maybe.

And your male friends-- are you close to them?

Some might say too close?

No...

Will you please please please just look at my balls?

Just put your hand back down there and get grabbing, feel around...

Kevin, it's not going to work out with us.

It's too complicated.

But I want you to explore, spread your wings.

What do you expect I would discover, except that I've got ball cancer?