06x10 - Epi-Sexy

[bunniefuu]

Pete: Oh, my God.

(moaning)

(shuddering moans)

Oh, my God.

Oh, oh, my...

(muttering)

God, that was incredible.

What happened?

That was a little risky.

Wait, what do you mean, risky? What...

Is something going on down there? Is it...

Oh, no, no, that's not...

No, no. I'm a...

This is a clean machine.

Oh, okay.

What-what's up?

Um, I have a mild case of epilepsy, and I just had a little seizure, I think.

Oh, my God, Heather.

No, I am so sorry.

I didn't realize I was bringing that on. I just...

Oh, no.

Don't worry about it, because you didn't do it.

Well, you know, I was a participant in it, for sure.

No, it wasn't you at all.

Nothing you did affected me physically in any way, shape or form.

Uh, thank you.

(sighs) Just have to be more careful in the future so it doesn't happen again.

(sighs)

Yeah, of course.

Yeah, 'cause...

Yeah, that should never happen again.

Look, the thing is, it was the best sex I ever had, okay?

Hands down.

Taco: Wow, I thought the only disease that was good for sex was low self-esteem.

I know, it's crazy, but there is nothing that can b*at epileptic sex.

Kevin: She's just epi-sexy.

Yeah, super epi-sexy.

But I can't just be like, "Well, let's hang out again and maybe, like, we'll get lucky and there'll be a seizure."

Like, that's not appropriate.

Andre: Hey, guys.

What are you talking about?

Well, you now.

Oh, these things?

Yeah, I need them.

You don't need them.

Take them off.

Those are prescribed?

100%.

By an actual doctor?

I am a doctor.

You're not an eye doctor.

All right, you know what?

Guys, Andre obviously went to an eye doctor who diagnosed him with lame eye.

I don't have lame eye.

Well, let's hope not, because I want your vision 100% clear this weekend when my team kicks your team's ass.

How have you gotten by in this life without glasses or contacts?

I think it was kind of like a Daredevil thing.

I just, you know, felt by sonar.

All right, bullshit.

Let's test your eyesight.

Take your glasses off.

Okay, sure.

How many fingers am I holding up?

I don't know, Jenny.

Wow, I guess he really does need them.

Oh, God, it's Taco.

You-you can obviously hear his voice.

Well, he could have lame ear, too.

Guys, I am falling apart, but at least I look fashionable doing it.

(exhaling loudly)

Jenny: All right.

Here you go, guys.

Thank you.

You-you guys excited for the sleepover?

I am ecstat...

Oh, my gosh, I spilled it.

No, honey, it's okay.

It's fine.

I'll just wash it and I'll send it home with you tomorrow, okay?

Thank you.

Buddy, are you all good here?

You go play.

Hey, guess who invited himself over for dinner.

Hey.

Hello. Ooh, Chinese.

Where'd you get it from?

Oh, Mom made it.

Her chow mein is the best thing she makes.

Jenny doesn't make Chinese food.

What? No, I do.

She does.

Let me show you how I made it in the kitchen.

Go in the kitchen.

Shh!

Listen, listen.

Listen, Andre, ever since Ellie was a little girl, we would order Chinese food, and I would serve it to her and I would say, "Look at what Mommy made," and she would go, "Mmm, Mommy, this is so good."

She loves it.

And now she's, like, super proud of me, and I can't break her heart.

This is a very sad fairy tale you've dreamed.

Andre, you want to stay for this dinner, you got to go along with the long con.

Sounds more like the, uh, won con.

What?

Or won con soup?

We're not laughing because this is serious, Andre.

We're also not laughing because that's a stupid joke.

Oh, I see, uh, ancient Chinese secret.

You know what, you didn't see anything.

Now, stop it!

Okay, I got to go the bathroom.

Is there an elaborate story behind that?

Is there a special toilet genie that's collecting poop and pee to bring back to his village?

No, just no wipes.

You don't have to tell me that twice.

Don't you need your glasses?

Oh, door.

Stop doing that, Andre.

Where am I?

Oh, Jenny, remind me, next week will you make some of your famous Big Macs?

Oh, sorry.

Oh, who's that?

Excuse me?

Who is that?

Oh, big head, low hair line.

Kevin!

Yes.

How are you?

Well, not good, considering I just saw you staring at my scout team.

Every player that I'm pinpointing.

Basically, my whole strategy for the year.

Oh, good thing I didn't have my glasses, 'cause I-I'm as blind as a bat.

I mean, I thought that was an abacus.

And considering your past of cheating this year, I would think that you would really, really be very careful before you considered a second infraction.

That's why it's so good that I didn't wear my glasses, 'cause I am blind.

Good.

I'm telling you, I didn't see a...

Great, 'cause we're playing each other this week.

Remember that, and I would want everything to be above board.

Absolutely.

Okay, bathroom's that way.

So, what do you want to do?

Want to watch TV?

Okay.

Great.

What's wrong with your TV?

I don't know.

Did you pay the bill?

It's football season.

I paid my bill.

I tell you what, you just keep watching the TV, and I'll cycle through all the inputs, okay?

Okay.

Item one.

It's HDMI one.

Item two.

Nope, nope, just turn it off.

How about some music?

Okay.

You're gonna like this.

Okay.

(aggressive rock music playing)

Yeah!

What is this?

This is my jam.

This is, like, m*rder music.

I spin to this.

That's worse!

You got to watch the visualizer and listen to it.

I can't listen to this one second more.

Well, you got to...

That's the worst thing I've ever heard in my life.

I'm trying to set the mood.

Well, you don't need to set the mood.

I'm here and I'm already in the mood.

You know what, it's a good thing we didn't do this last night.

Why?

I had another stupid seizure.

Last night?

That sucks.

That you're having these seizures, and I'm not there with you.

But the good news is it's never happened to me two days in a row.

Oh, good.

So we are good to go.

Come on.

All right.

So we had sex, and, you know, it was pretty great.

It just wasn't...

So normal sex isn't good for you anymore.

You just wants epi-sex.

Kind of.

Well, once you figure out what you want, all you have to do is be honest with her.

Honesty is the best policy.

Right, Andre?

Yeah, that's why they call me Honest Andre.

By the way, that was a great pickup with Juwan Thompson.

Oh, yeah, right?

Broncos v. the Rams?

Forget it.

Forget about it.

That guy's gonna destroy.

You know what's surprising is he's only owned in 19% of leagues.

I-I actually had him on my scout team, but I didn't have the stones to pull the trigger.

But you did, Andre.

How'd you do it?

Anyway, I would say, just be truthful.

I did the research.

Great.

I'm gonna get a drink.

Anyone want a drink?

Honestly, I-I couldn't.

Okay.

God, that son of a bitch.

I caught him looking at my scout team without his glasses.

Oh.

Yeah, yeah, I'm pulling a guilt con on Andre.

Just gonna play up the honesty theme.

Honesty, okay, let me try it.

Uh, Kevin, "You're a really good brother," is a phrase that's been a lie every time I've said it.

Oh.

Whew, what a load off.

Yeah, this feels good.

You know what else feels good?

Someone's mouth on my wiener!

Rafi's here.

Yeah.

Look at this guy, right?

Who wants another round?

Guys, I'm buying.

My women's self-defense class is making me pretty flush right now.

Oh, God, PYH.

Protect Your Holes, my self-defense course for women, has exploded in popularity.

I'm even teaching a self-defense self-defense class where I teach the guys how to defend themselves against the defense techniques that I've taught the girls.

Oh, so this new class is, like, Protect Your Poles?

Ooh, Brian, that is we're best friends, man.

You're the only person I care about, and I would straight-up s*ab the other three of these guys and take off with you right now.

You're running a class that's highly offensive to women.

Oh, no, in fact, it's highly defensive.

It's a self-defense class, Brian.

Duh!

The best part of the whole thing is I do it in b*llet time.

Please tell me you're not sh**ting b*ll*ts at your class.

I'm talking about b*llet time from The Matrix.

Where the guy, Lord Elrond from Lord of the Rings is sh**ting a g*n at the dude from The Lake House, and the dude from The Lake House is all, like...

Whoa!

And all the b*ll*ts are just, like, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew!

And they all miss him.

So what I do is I take, like, a whole bunch of speed, I get all ramped up, and then I'm moving in regular time, and everybody else is moving in slow-motion.

And I'm like, booge, booge, buh-booge, buh-booge, buh-booge.

Wait a minute.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Easy, Rafi.

That's self-defense.

No, it's not.

You're having sex with them.

I think I'm...

Tall Guy, come at me.

I don't really need to...

Tall Guy, come at me!

Am I supposed to be the man or the woman?

Doesn't matter.

Whoa, whoa, whoa!

No, no, no!

(shouting)

Stop!

You want me to stop?

Yes!

See, first mistake.

That's consent.

Protect your holes, Pete.

And your pole.

He'd be putting up way more of a fight if he didn't like it.

Get off, Rafi.

(mumbling)

He's fine.

We're just having fun.

No, we're not having fun.

You're taking it too far, Rafi.

(groans)

Are those your mints?

Yes, these are my mints, Rafi.

Okay, is this your pocket dog?

No, it's not my pocket dog, Rafi.

Oh, guess it's mine.

How are your holes?

Unprotected.

I could've been inside you in, like, a second.

To be fair, I didn't teach you the final move in self-defense self-defense.

Self-de-feces.

Excuse me?

It's a protective sh*t.

When someone's trying to get in, you start sending something out.

You can't just decide to take a sh*t.

It's a three-step process.

One, think about taking a sh*t.

Two, relax your sphincter.

Three, oh...

(groans)

Oh, no.

What?

Oh, boy.

This isn't my bad, guys.

My God, Rafi!

Get out of here!

No, it's okay. It's okay.

Mrs. MacArthur, I wanted to tell you about a fun project we have going on at the school, where the kids take turns bringing in their favorite family recipes for the class to enjoy and share.

Oh, that is fun.

And next week is Ellie's turn.

Oh!

I want you to make your world-famous chow mein.

Your chow mein is just extraordinary.

Oh, wow.

Please make the chow mein.

That is very culturally adventurous of you.

Yeah, I am pretty darn adventurous.

Okay, I'm gonna pencil you in for next week.

Great.

Alison! Hi, sweetheart.

Hi.

Oh, why don't you get your bag, Ellie.

Can I talk to your mom alone?

Hey, Cheryl.

Hi.

I hope Alison had fun at the sleepover the other night.

Actually, I think that she had a little too much fun.

She came home smelling strongly of, um... marijuana.

No.

Yes.

Really? Oh, Cheryl.

She's so young to start using.

(laughs)

A-Alison is not using.

Someone in your house is using.

Honey, let's go get some ice cream, huh?

Does she have the munchies?

(sighs)

Kevin, there's been a lot of distrust between us, and that's why I propose that this week, we set each other's lineup.

I like that idea, Andre.

It's like a fantasy football trust fall.

I'm glad that you like this.

And I kind of just started playing around here, and I got all your guys in there.

Looks great. I'll take it so.

You trust me?

I trust you.

Submit.

Great, well, then submit.

Lineup locked.

Okay, so now, let's do your lineup.

You know what, I'm actually getting a bit of glare off your glasses.

Let me just take these off.

Just put these over here.

Well, I can't...

I can't see without these.

That's not really an issue, though, Andre, because you trust me, don't you?

As I trusted you when you set my lineup.

(grunting)

Okay, who do you want to be your number one running back this week?

What about, uh, Eddie Lacy?

Yeah.

You know, going to Philadelphia.

He's gonna have a monster week. Let's move Eddie Lacy up to your running back position.

Boom.

You okay?

Uh, I feel like it looks like a different name there.

Well, don't strain yourself.

No, I'm not... Just...

Andre, Andre, trust me.

Are you nearsighted or farsighted?

That's the thing, it goes in and out, that's the, uh, you know?

Mm-hmm.

I do have a question.

Okay.

I feel like Eddie Lacy's such a small name...

Mm-hmm.

...and this is like such a big name there, right?

That's my eyes, damn these eyes.

Hey.

Look at me the best you can.

I trust you and I want you to trust me. So...

I trust you.

Submit.

Huh? Let's shake on it, Andre.

All right, come here.

Good job.

Good talk.

sh*t.

(sniffing)

What the...?

(sniffs)

Oh, God!

Taco!

What's up?

Why are you in my garage?

I was eating.

No, what are you doing?

Oh, come on...

Don't you know what running the dryer does to weed?

Oh, it's gonna smell like clothes now.

Are you using our dryer as a guest bong?

No, my guest bong's your fire extinguisher.

This is my guest stash.

I was trying to be considerate by putting it somewhere you don't use.

I use my dryer!

I don't believe you.

Your kids are never wearing clean clothes.

You know what?

I have bigger issues with my kids.

Do you know I have to cook chow mein for Ellie's entire class?

Oh, you're finally learning how to cook?

That's great, that's really gonna help you find a man.

I have a man.

Mmm...

I need a recipe for chow mein.

Oh, well, I know a really good Chinese chef.

You do?

He's my Eskimo stepbrother.

Step...?

Yeah, we had sex with the same girl in an exercise class.

Ah.

Welcome to the kitchen of Ménage à Cinq.

Everything is set up here for our chow mein demonstration.

Thank you so much for letting us do this in your restaurant before it's even open.

It's a pleasure to have a master chef in here.

Everyone...

Hey, guys.

This is Lee Wei Lee.

Ah, Master Chef.

We are so excited to have you in our restaurant.

I'm gonna take off.

There's an organic, three-penis wine market that just opened up.

I hear they sell wine from the dicks of grass-fed animals.

That's healthy.

See you guys later.

Ah, Master Chef, I like your glasses, eh?

Great minds think alike?

Oh, I guess he wants to get us started. Okay.

Let's go. Okay.

Ooh...

(sniffs)

You know, I've read about this.

What?

Master chefs don't often use utensils.

They just use their hands and...

I'm so sorry, Master...

Boy!

Oh, yes. Thank you.

Thank you, Master Chef.

I think he likes... me.

How am I... how am I doing, chef, huh?

(Lee humming)

Do I keep...

(Lee continues humming)

Let him guide your hands.

(sniffing)

Dude, it's okay if he smells you.

Thank you, chef.

(Lee grunting)

Whoosh...

Yeah... okay, so... now we are... whoosh.

Ooh.

This doesn't seem sanitary.

Hee!

(laughing)

Okay.

Okay.

You know, chef, I actually made my own noodles last night.

I was wondering if you would taste them and see how I did.

Try the noodles?

(sniffs)

Oh...

(Lee humming)

What are you...

(Lee laughing)

Ooh, Lee Wei Lee's making his head noodles.

Those are good.

Taco, what is this guy's deal?

Is he... frittata?

Uh, yeah.

I mean, look at him.

Why would you not tell me that?

What? 'Cause I don't stigmatize people like that.

I don't go around saying that about Chalupa Batman.

What?

Come on, Lee Wei Lee, let's get out of here.

(Lee howls)

Yes, get away from these horrible people.

It's this way... it's...

He can't see through the dough.

Just make holes in the dough.

No wonder he kept on touching the pot.

And the worst part is, I thought we were learning something.

You did?

Yeah, very, like...

Hi-yo!

Whoa.

Look at this!

Wow.

What is that?

Well, I heard you were opening a new kitchen, so I brought you a toilet.

Okay, get that out of here.

We cannot have that in the kitchen.

But what happens when the guys who are preparing the food need to take a sh*t?

They go to the bathroom.

Oh, what, so they're gonna pick up all this stuff they're working with, bring it to the bathroom so they can keep working while they go?

Okay, you know what?

Duly noted.

That guy that just left-- pasta for hair, dough for face?

Yeah.

That's Lee Wei Lee, isn't it?

Yeah.

Yes, it was.

I knew it.

That guy's dating my ex-girlfriend.

What?

Gail, the human garbage can?

Swimming instructor?

Yeah, and it's making me crazy.

No, see, this guy is... mentally challenged.

(laughs) I don't like him, either.

But apparently, he's some bigwig in the restaurant biz.

He's got a chauffer that drives him around in this, like, little yellow bus everywhere.

Meanwhile, you know, I'm riding a ten-speed that I stole from an 11-year-old.

Ugh. Pittsburgh-Tennessee.

This game is as low-scoring as your team, Andre.

Ha. Great.

God, Taco.

Because of you, now I have to learn how to cook this stupid chow mein all by myself.

Okay, why don't you just order the Chinese food?

No one will know.

Ellie has to document my process for her class, so I have to look like I know what I'm doing.

Well, even though you guys are horrible, narrow-minded people, Lee Wei Lee offered to help you guys again.

No.

Yeah, apparently he liked the way you smell, so...

Mmm. No, thank you.

Hey, that's a compliment.

Oh, Andre, this is so terrible.

I'm sorry.

96 to 43?

You didn't pick any of the players I asked for.

I guess my vision's just a little bit foggy.

You know what?

Maybe I need glasses, too.

That could be it.

No. You know what?

I'm getting a beer.

Give me your eye doctor's phone number, Andre.

(Rafi screaming)

Oh, God!

Oh, thank God you're here.

What is going on?

I've got a B.D.E.

What is that?

I've got a broken d*ck emergency.

I need to see a doctor.

Where's Andre?

There.

Andre?

Andre, look at this!

Andre, look at this!

Oh, my God!

Look at this!

My God, Rafi, stop!

(Rafi shouting)

Look at this, Andre!

It's leaking!

Oh... oh, God, oh, God, oh, God.

Don't walk away, Andre!

Oh, my God.

Some things you cannot unsee.

Only if you see them first.

You're not wearing your glasses, Andre.

Ah ha ha ha!

No?

Ah, the gig is up.

Well, you all fell prey to my elaborate hoax.

No, we didn't.

No.

What, you didn't fall for it?

No.

You knew the whole time?

Of course.

So the whole honesty thing, that wasn't real?

So, wait, we don't have to be honest anymore?

No.

I love you guys.

Ohh... okay.

Feel a little bit better now.

That was disgusting.

What is going on down there?

Yeah, right?

I was teaching my self-defense class and one of those girls, she really caught me with a shiv.

Right at the base, too.

And I was real hard.

You know how much blood's in your d*ck when you're real hard?

So all that just came pouring right out.

Ugh...

But I think I got it settled down now.

How?

I opened up your mayo, ga And mayonnaise has healing properties, the lndians used it.

What happened to that whole b*llet time thing?

Exactly! Right?

I took, like, 45 of these things and nothing happened.

All I have now is fresh breath and a broken d*ck.

Hang on, hang on.

What?

I need more mints.

Pete, you're like 30 deep in those. Your breath is fine.

But these mints are so god damn good.

Okay, carpe diem! Seize the day!

Come here!

(laughing)

Okay!

Whoa.

I'm feeling a little hot.

Yes, baby, you are hot.

I'm in the clouds.

Yeah, you're in the clouds.

Yeah?

(gibbering)

Oh, God!

Oh, whatever you're doing, don't stop it.

Oh, my God, don't stop.

Oh, my God, don't ever stop!

You're like Superman.

Oh!

Oh...

(laughing)

Oh, my God, what was that?

I did not think you could make me feel that good.

Pete? Pete?

Pete?

What?

Pete, are you okay?

Did I miss the seizure?

Oh...

Filthy.

Godspeed, Jenny.

Godspeed those children's digestive systems.

Oh... where is it?

Where is it?

Wait, did you sleep here last night, Taco?

I can't find it.

Taco, what are you looking for?

I don't understand, it was right there. Where is it?

What are you looking for?

No, no, no, no, no!

Why would you do that?

My weed!

Your wife stole it.

You sure it's not already in here?

Some of it, but not the most of it.

Well, where did you leave it last, Taco?

I hid it in the Chinese spices and now it's gone.

Kids, this is chow mein, courtesy of Mrs. MacArthur.

Looks different, Mom.

Shh.

Okay, enjoy.

Again, Sheryl, I am mortified about the whole clothes in the dryer thing... I'm so sorry.

Don't even... don't worry about it.

I have a mentally unstable homeless brother-in-law, too.

Oh. I feel like every family has one.

(Sheryl laughs)

I hope I can pull off this whole chow mein deal.

It's not up to my regular standards.

Oh, I don't know.

I think people are really enjoying it.

Oh, my God.

This is the best chow mein of my life.

What is your secret?

Is that cumin?

Uh...

It's amazing, right?

It's amazing, it is amazing!

Is this my body?

Am I weak?

It's amazing.

Everything is cursive.

Everything is cursive...

I feel like I fell off the world.

I'm so hungry.

(laughing)

I'm falling.

I hate geometry!

Ah!

(laughing)

Oh, my...

There's marijuana in here.

No, that's impossible.

Is this what I think it is?

Oh, my God.

(children laughing)

Kids, stop eating.

Stop eating immediately.

She is never coming over to your house.

Ah...!

(laughing)

I'm gonna get fired.

I'm gonna get fired!

(laughing): I never liked you.

(giggling)

Hey, Gail.

Rafi.

What are you doing here?

I realize now that even though you're a piece of garbage, I shouldn't have thrown you away.

You know what, Rafi?

You're too little, too late, okay?

I'm with Lee Wei Lee now.

Oh, come on!

What's he got that I don't have?

This is a man of style, of sophistication...

There are times when we just look into each other's eyes for hours... and just get lost.

He doesn't have to say anything.

It's poetry in his eyes.

There's a real, like, powerful innocence there.

It's like he sees right... right into my heart.

He has empathy.

Huh?

When a fire truck goes by, he starts shrieking...

(Lee shrieking)

...and imitating it.

It's very, very loud.

You know? Because he feels for the people they're going to save.

I get it, Gail.

He's-he's the total package.

Look, I'm not opposed to a three-way situation, here, but I'm not leaving this for this.

This guy clearly has everything, but does he love you as much as I do?

Does he spend every waking minute of his life stalking you?

Does he wake up in the morning in your closet, sneak out, make you breakfast and then hide in another closet so that he can watch you eat that breakfast?

That was you?

Of course that was me.

Didn't you know?

I... no.

No!

Whoa!

Okay, guys, seriously, don't fight over me.

This ends now!

Okay!

♪ ♪

(grunting)

What? Whoa, what?

There is so much slapping.

No!

Ah!

(Lee laughs)

(Rafi laughs)

(grunting)

Oh!

Oh!

They're k*lling each other!

For me!

(grunting)

Go to sleep.

(Lee grunts)

Does it... what?

(sniffing)

What... what did you do?

Self-defeces?

Oh, no, self-defeces?

Yeah.

Oh, my God, he used my own move against me.