06x18 - Operation Infiltration

[bunniefuu]

[Sheep bleating]

So, who's gonna do it?

I don't want to do it.

Well, I'm not doing it.

Can Brick do it?

He's just a kid.

You can't ask him to do it.

Okay.

I will do it.

Frankie: What's more nerve-wracking than getting into college?

Opening the financial-aid package.

Should I do it fast or slow?

Fast. No, slow! No, fast!

Oh, God, I can't remember the band-aid rule.

Just open it!

Okay.

Uh...

What's it say? What's it say?

Uh... I don't know.

Is this for one year or four years?

Oh, my God, how can I go to college if I can't even figure out the financial-aid letter?!

[Breathing heavily]

I see room and board. I see tuition.

Yes. They're giving us everything we needed!

We're poor!

Whoo! [Laughs]

Yeah! We did it!

Oh! Whoo!

I told you we were poor enough. I never stopped believing.

You know, if we'd have worked a little bit harder, none of this would be possible.

Oh, I just love America so much!

Oh, hell, I love America, too.

America's the best! Whoo-hoo-hoo!

[Gasps]

This means I can go to prospective-students weekend!

Ahh!

Mom, do you think Axl would let me stay with him?

Come on, Sue.

We can't ask for two miracles in one day.

[Chuckling] Mm!

[School bell rings]

[Knock on door]

Hey, Dr. fulton. You got a second?

Yeah. Uh, come on. Yeah, come on in.

Have a seat.

So, what can I help you with?

Well, I'm hatching a plan to infiltrate a friend group.

Uh-huh.

[Clears throat]

Uh...

Is this the friend group you're talking about?

No.

Ah!

I've singled out a few kids in my robotics club...

Dante and Parker.

Their friend Max is moving to New York because his parents think he can do commercials.

I personally don't see it, but I wish him luck.

Anyway, this is my chance to get in with the other two.

They're gonna need a new third.

Ohh, I don't know.

When it comes to friendship, three isn't always a good number.

[Chuckles]

Have you not heard of the third wheel?

It's classic.

Like in a tricycle...

The third wheel is what provides stability.

Okay, well, what about these boys makes you think they'll be receptive to you?

Well, Parker got assigned to me in science lab, and he didn't groan.

And the whole time we worked together, he tolerated me.

Ooh, tolerating is progress.

I'm gonna make my move this Saturday on the trip to the robotics exhibit at the museum.

Mm. [Clears throat]

Pretend this is the bus. Ah.

[Clears throat]

When we're lining up to get on, I slip in between Dante and Parker.

Once we're in, Dante sits down first.

I immediately sit next to him.

If for some reason that doesn't work, I've got Parker right behind me as a backup.

I'm guaranteed to sit with one of them.

That's a good plan.

But remember... once you're in, do not leave, all right, because... well, here, let me show you.

Once, I... I left to go get a coffee stirrer, right?

Then the next thing I know, that ponytailed, tofu-head barista is sitting with Shelly.

They're getting married on Saturday.

Yeah.

Do you know I can't drink coffee anymore, Brick?

I did not.

[Groans]

[Toy clatters] [Sighs]

[Cellphone vibrates]

Oh, my God!

My sister's coming for the weekend.

Aw! Lucky.

Yeah. So lucky.

Hold up.

When you call Sue a loser and tell her she has a face like a butt and if they wrote a book about her, it'd be called "are you there God? It's me, Dorkaret," you're just joking, right?

'Cause I'm super tight with my family.

So, if all that mean stuff was for real and you didn't have a good relationship with your sister, that'd be a deal breaker for me.

Duh. Obvi, I'm joking. [Laughs]

Oh. [Laughs]

Ah, it's a good thing you get my comedy 'cause if you didn't, that'd be a deal breaker for me.

[Laughs]

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to text my sis.

God, I love her so much.

[Chuckles]

[Cellphone beeps]

Oh!

Um, I texted Axl if I could stay with him this weekend, and he just texted back, "awesome, can't wait to see you."

Is there an emoticon with it, like sad face barfing?

No.

Hey, maybe it's an April fools' joke.

That's still a few days away.

Oh, but maybe he's setting me up for something when I'm there.

You know what? I don't care!

I'm going to college for the weekend!

Whoo!

Oh, hey, mom, what snacks are you bringing on the field trip?

What are you talking about?

You signed up to chaperone the field trip to the robotics exhibit in Indianapolis on Saturday.

Mm, that doesn't sound like me.

Yeah. Remember back in September when I asked you?

Do you want to do the back-to-school breakfast next week?

Ew. No.

Halloween party?

Negatory.

Thanksgiving feed the homeless?

Too soon. Don't stop till you hit April.

You want to do one of the later ones, so when the school runs out of money, they cancel it.

[Sighs]

And, hey, you'll get to see me in action.

I plan to infiltrate a friend group.

Just keeps getting better.

At least I wasn't the only one having a crappy Saturday.

For the past year, whenever big Mike was out of the house, Rusty would call Mike to come over and secretly weed out the junk.

Oh, good, you got a head start.

Oh, no.

Just catching up on my news. [Chuckles]

Reagan d*ed.

Rusty, we got to move here.

We don't know when dad's coming back.

Oh, no worries.

I already got rid of a C.B. radio and five microwaves.

Whoa. Don't throw out too much of one thing, or he'll notice.

Remember... we're just thinning.

Oh, I didn't do it yet.

No, I just put post-its on them so you could do it.

Not really post-its.

Actually, just... just little pieces of toilet paper.

Okay.

[Knock on door]

You're here! Whoo!

I'm glad you made it safe! I was worried about you!

[Door closes]

You were?

Oh, come here, you! [Grunts]

We're gonna have so much fun!

[Chuckling] Aah! Unh!

So, we were off to the robotics exhibit.

Operation infiltration was on.

[Indistinct conversations]

Hey, guys, plenty of room over here.

It's okay. I'm fine.

Oh, really? 'Cause you look kind of squished.

I don't know why you'd want to be squished.

It's a long trip.

There are certain safety regulations, so maybe you should just move over here.

Parker: I don't want to.

Hi. I'm Parker's mom. Is everything okay?

Oh, yeah, it's just they're kind of squished, and this seat is open, so I thought Parker could just scooch on over.

Oh, they're good. He's with his friends.

Well, he can still talk to his friends.

It's not like he can't see them. [Laughs]

"Oh, I'm two feet away. Where are my friends?"

[Both laugh]

Oh, I don't want him up and around when the bus is moving.

It'll just take a second.

We can scooch my man Parker on over, and then we can all sit and be safe and good and great.

Let's just let it go. They're fine.

Driver, we're good.

[Engine turns over]

Hey, I'm making my own vitamins now.

You want in?

Isn't that a big undertaking?

No, not if you don't involve the FDA.

All they do is dilute the potency.

They don't want you living a long time.

They made the ebola to guard area 51.

We got all our cash tied up in food and shelter right now.

But if something changes, I'll let you know.

[Hands clap]

Wow. Our old room!

He hasn't changed anything from when we were growing up.

All this time I've been staying in the tire room, I could have been living here.

My dirt!

[Laughs]

Ah, you remember when pet rocks took off?

Ah. I thought pet dirt would be right behind it.

That's seven years of my life I'd like to get back.

There she is!

Oh, man.

That's when pointies meant something.

Ha. Now you see them everywhere.

Hey! Hey, Mike, look at this.

[Chuckles]

We should finish our game.

What? No. We're not here to goof around.

We're here to trick dad and sneak out his stuff.

Well, that makes sense you wouldn't want to finish because I was winning.

You weren't winning. I had more countries.

Yeah, but I had just rolled a 6.

I was about to take over Asia.

Wait. Wait. I remember now.

You rolled a 6 off the board.

It doesn't count.

Does.

Doesn't.

Does.

Just 'cause you keep saying "does" doesn't make it true.

Well, no, being true makes it true.

Fine. I'll let you roll again, see what you get.

Okay.

[Laughter]

All right, Axl, what is going on?

What? Nothing.

Oh, please!

You didn't sh**t any straws at me at the restaurant.

You didn't lick my bread and then put it back on my plate.

The whole day, you have been calling me "Sue."

Look, there's nothing going on, hmm?

The thing is, maybe it's you getting into college, maybe it's you getting your braces off after four million years, but you're not the same dork you were.

So I'm trying to treat you the way you said you always wanted me to treat you.

Unless, of course, now you're saying you don't want me to.

What? No. No, no, no.

If you mean it... that's great.

It's like a dream come true.

Sue couldn't believe her new relationship with her brother.

But then Axl made one fatal error.

He kissed her for the first time in his life.

Calling her by her actual name was one thing, but a kiss?

She knew he was up to something.

I love that you two are so close.

Yeah.

Well... you do for family.

And there it was.

[Game piece clatters]

Welcome to my empire, Yakutsk.

Rusty, you know what? You're right. This is fun.

Oh, sure.

Yeah, you got to relive the old days while you have the chance.

Like, remember when we were little?

Remember that one time?

You pretended to be dead. [Chuckles]

And I cried. [Chuckles]

And you still pretended to be dead, so I cried more.

And then you laughed and called me a moron and tickled me till peed myself [Chuckles] and I cried.

What? I never did that.

Sure you did.

You used to do that stuff to me all the time.

Ah, you don't know what you're talking about.

Like what kind of stuff?

Well, you told me Jesus didn't love me.

That one hurt because all the kids at Sunday school always said, "Jesus loves me."

So I thought, "man, this Jesus guy loves everybody.

What's his beef with me?"

Wow. Rusty, I'm sorry.

There was this one time you locked me in the closet all night.

And I cried, and you said if I didn't stop crying, then Bobby Sherman would k*ll our mom.

Bobby Sherman the singer?

Yeah.

Why would you believe that Bobby Sherman the singer was gonna k*ll mom?

Because I believed everything you told me.

Like, remember in high school?

I wanted to be a meteorologist, but you told me my body would look womanly against the weather map.

That's when I got into the old pet-dirt biz.

And we all know how that worked out.

Wow, Sue [Chuckles] you were right.

"You've got mail" is a great rom-com.

I don't know how I've gone this long without seeing it.

Did you get how Meg Ryan was falling in love with Tom Hanks without realizing that he was the one running her out of business?

Mm-hmm. Yeah.

That was super clear. Yeah. [Grunts]

Well, Devin and I are heading out.

There are cleanish towels in the bathroom.

And I'll see you in the morning.

Where are you guys going?

Devin: A party.

We'd invite you, but, uh, you got that orientation thing in the morning.

Mnh. [Chuckles]

Sue figured she had two choices...

Get mad that Axl was pretending to be nice to her just to impress Devin or get even.

Actually, I would love to meet all your friends and tell them how we're gonna be East lndy Twinsies next year!

Guess which one she picked.

Okay, never thought I'd be at a robotics exhibit with a bunch of middle-schoolers on a Saturday night, but here we are.

Life's a journey.

No flash photography.

Don't say anything. Don't say anything, Frankie.

Don't say anything.

Excuse me. I just have to say one thing.

You know, you said the kids were fine, but the truth is, your kid was fine.

My kid was not fine.

My kid sat by himself for the whole two-hour ride, so maybe it would have been a little finer if you had told your kid to sit next to my kid because 13-year-old boys are horrible.

You can't just let them make their own decisions.

If it was up to them, they would have ice cream for breakfast.

But we don't give them ice cream for breakfast, right?

[Stammers] I don't.

I mean, I have, if it's their birthday or we're out of milk, but not usually.

The point is, you're teaching your kid to just look out for number one, and now he's gonna grow up to run companies and wreck wall street!

Now, do you know if we keep the 3D glasses or not?

Ugh, forget it! I'll ask somebody else!

[Sighs]

Hey, mom.

Looks like somebody had an appointment at the angry salon for a "mad-icure."

[Sighs] You heard that, huh?

Well [Stammers] I was right.

I-I have the blood of righteousness coursing through my veins.

Mm, this might be more about you than Brick.

He's having a great time.

I mean, even if he was bothered by what happened, he has a good coping mechanism.

We all need coping mechanisms.

Like, I was upset that Shelly was getting married today...

But now I'm not even thinking about her.

It's almost like she's begging me to interrupt the wedding.

[Sighs] It's just, being a parent to Brick is hard.

It's just so hard.

And, I mean, I was spoiled because, with Axl, it was all so easy.

He always had friends.

Way to blow that wide-open lay-up, dude.

I totally saved you with that sick three from...

Hey, do they want to ride with Brandon?

He's got room in his car. He...

Oh, they're fine. Good game. Bye!

Oh, my God.

I did it, too.

I was one of the "they're fine" moms.

Ugh. See?

This is why I don't sign up for field trips.

Well, you can't b*at yourself up.

We all make mistakes.

The important thing is to learn from them and move on.

Seriously, though, the wedding's over at the first Baptist Church on Elm Street.

Should I do it?

Ah.

I lost again.

Hey, I should bring my duffel bag up here.

[Chuckles]

Now, when I'm at a bar, I won't have to ask women to go back to the tire room.

Now I can ask them to come back to my boyhood room.

And if they think that's weird, I'll just tell them, "it's okay. My mom's dead."

[Chuckles]

Hey, Rusty, do you ever think that, uh, you know, the way I treated you when we were growing up is maybe the reason...

Why you are, you know, the way you are?

How am I?

Well, great.

Oh, thank you.

I just mean y-your life is a little unconventional.

You live here. You don't own a home.

Yeah, no mortgage to pay.

That's got to weigh on you, huh?

Well, I mean, y-you don't have much stability.

You don't have a steady job.

You don't have a serious relationship.

Right.

And you got to go home to that short, angry lady, huh?

I don't think you get what I'm saying here.

There's something fulfilling about raising a family.

Yeah, but I don't have to worry about getting three girls into college.

Neither do I.

That's a great attitude, Mike. [Chuckles]

If they really want it, they'll work for it.

Ah.

Listen, I know you've...

You've made some bad choices in life, and, uh...

[Scoffs]

I feel for you, buddy.

Hey, you want me to take you out and buy you a beer?

I won't be buying.

I'm just using that as an expression.

Can't. Got to get home.

You know, the short, angry lady and all.

[Sighs]

Yeah.

[Upbeat music playing]

[Sighs] Hey, what's up, bro?

Oh, hey.

By the way, Sue, very cute hoodie.

[Chuckling] Oh, thanks!

Axl, do you think my hoodie is cute?

Yeah. It's cute.

Aww. What else about me do you think is cute?

Everything. Everything is cute.

Oh!

This party's dead. Let's go.

Ooh! I love this song!

Come on, Axl. Dance with me.

Nobody else is dancing.

Ooh! Well, someone's got to start.

Who better than a loving brother and sister?

You don't mind, do you, Devin?

No. Go for it. I'm gonna get a drink.

Okay.

[Humming] I know what you're up to.

Oh, yeah? Well, I know what you're up to.

So, if I were you, I would start voguing real fast.

Or what?

Or I tell Devin every mean thing you've ever done to me...

How you glued my toothpaste to my hand, how you glued your dirty underwear to my head, every glue story!

And I'll tell her about the farting, yeah, all the farting, every day for 18 years, 19 if you count the times that you farted on mom's stomach when she was pregnant with me, which I do.

Twirl me!

You can't tell her any of that stuff.

Bro code!

Oh, I am not a bro. I am a "so."

I am a sis!

I am your worst nightmare is what I am.

So you're gonna be nice to me, and you're gonna like it, or I will burn this thing down.

So, here's how it's gonna go down.

When we go back to your place, you and I are going to cuddle under a blanket on the couch and take a picture of it, like I have been begging you to do since Christmas 2007.

I am going to put that picture on a photo blanket and we'll take a picture of that and then we'll keep going until we're cuddling under photo blankets into infinity!

You're the devil!

Oh, well, just so you know, she's watching right now.

[Music continues]

[Finger snaps]

Oh, hey. Wait up. No, no, no.

Uh, uh, uh, don't be afraid. [Chuckles nervously]

I-I-I'm done with that. I-I'm sorry.

I overreacted.

Kids are gonna sit where they sit. They're 13.

You can't make them do what they don't want to do.

That's okay. I...

No, no, no, no.

You were just looking out for your kid, and I get that.

I have a cool kid, too... my oldest.

Not that I don't love this one.

I do. [Laughs nervously]

Anyway... I'm sorry.

[Sighs]

Oh, what fun! [Giggles]

Oh, Axl, I need the numbers of everyone I met tonight.

That way, I can text them.

Fine. Whatever. I'm going to bed.

[Switch clicks]

Mm. Oh, oh, Axl, uh, cuddle picture.

Axl!

Cuddle picture.

[Switch clicks]

[Laughs]

♪ Cuddle picture ♪

Okay.

One, two, three.

[Camera shutter clicks]

Ooh! Now let's do one where all you can see is our eyes.

[Laughs]

[Camera shutter clicks]

Ahh!

Ooh, now let's do one where we tickle each other.

[Gasps] Tickle. Axl, tickle!

Stop, Sue.

[Camera shutter clicks]

Tickle!

Sue, stop it!

Aah! That's it! I'm done!

Brothers and sisters should not love each other!

It's unnatural!

We're not supposed to get close till mom and dad start dying!

He's a fraud, Devin!

He's done a lot of bad things to me with glue.

He's been playing you!

Actually, I've been playing him.

Axl, all that crap about it being super important to me that you get along with your sister... not so much.

April fools', sucka.

[Gasps] You made me kiss my sister's head.

Yeah. That was awesome. Did not see that coming.

Sorry, Sue. I didn't mean to make you my pawn.

[Scoffs] Are you kidding? It was great.

He kissed me on the head and he cuddled me and I have pictures to prove it.

[Chuckles]

Oh! Sean Donahue liked it.

Yep, no matter how you got there, your brother being nice to you is your brother being nice to you.

[Vehicle approaching]

Oh, no, that's dad.

And there's 15 microwaves on the curb.

He told me never to touch his stuff.

He's gonna kick me out...

Just when I got my bitchin' room back.

Go out the window.

You were gone all day. I'll take the hit.

[Chuckles]

Hey, thanks, Mike.

You're a great brother.

You got to love April fools' day.

You never know what... or who...

Is gonna take you by surprise.

I want you to sit over here.

Parker: What? Why?

It's crowded where you are. Just move over here, please.

But Dante and I were... Parker, now.

Hey.

Hey.

At the end of the day, it's nice to know that, as moms, we all share a bond.

We're all joined together in one, big club where...

Brick, what are you doing here?

Eh, I'm done.

I sat with him for a whole minute.

I figured I should go out on a high.

I left in the middle of a sentence so we wouldn't have any awkward silences.

There's nothing awkward about that.

Oh, and I left my lunch box back at the museum.

[Sighs]

April Fools'!

I didn't.

It was my sweatshirt.

April Fools'!

It was my lunch box and my sweatshirt.

[Sighs]