06x23 - Mother's Day Reservations

[bunniefuu]

[Crow caws]

All right, what's with the getup?

What, this?

Oh, just enjoying some of my past mother's day gifts...

My awesome yellow pants, my "First Mom on the Moon" t-shirt, and, of course, my macaroni necklace that says, "to mom, love Keira."

I can only feel bad for Keira's mom.

Who knows what she got?

Okay, I get it. I get it.

We may not have always hit it out of the park, but I got plenty of time this year to get it right.

When is mother's day?

Sunday.

And my mom's coming down, so it better not be lame.

Oh, not a chance of that.

If anything, I'm worried it's gonna be too good, so just be prepared to get everything you want.

What exactly do you want?

[Scoffs] You suck.

My country 'tis of tea...

You know the little tea place we pass by and I always say is so cute?

Well, I heard that they are having a proper afternoon tea for mother's day...

Finger sandwiches and cloth napkins.

It's gonna be very classy and very elegant, and that's what I want.

Since when do you drink tea?

[Scoffs]

You know, I have a whole other life that you don't even know about, okay?

I like tea. Fine.

I'll take care of it.

Quick question... do I have to go?

Yes.

Good, 'cause I want to go.

Okay, apparently mother's day is Sunday, and this year, you got to kick it up a notch.

Excuse me.

Why do we never have secret meetings in my room?

'Cause your brother's feet stink.

Oh. Really? I don't smell it.

Just take our word for it.

Okay, guys, here's the deal.

She's your mom, so this year you guys are getting the gift.

[Groans]

Oh, what the... [scoffs]

Hey, you're grown up now. You're 21. You're 18.

You're...

Really, dad?

You know how old you are.

And we got to do better than the "Mom on the Moon" t-shirt.

That's the bar.

Oh, that shirt was awesome.

Hey, I saw this "cave mom" one with a cave lady...

No, no mom t-shirts of any kind.

You guys got to bring it this year.

I got my job. I'm booking the reservation at the tea place she wants to go to.

And, yes, we all have to go. I checked.

Now get cracking on that gift.

[Clears throat]

So, mom, if you were to win the lottery for, say, 15 bucks, what would you splurge on?

$15, huh?

Yikes.

You got to get your dad to chip in.

Yeah.

Ooh, I saw they sent the course catalogue from east indy state.

Yeah! Oh, my god.

They have such interesting classes.

I know I said I wanted to be a psychologist, but it would be so fun to be a vet.

But I hear that's really hard.

Sue, don't limit yourself.

If there's something you decide to do, go for it.

Really?

Oh, absolutely.

You know, my mom was always telling me to play it safe and be practical, so I said to myself when I had kids, I would not limit them that way.

So, to hell with practical, Sue.

Your future is wide open.

You got to reach for the stars.

"Paging Dr. Sue Sue Heck. The elephant is sick."

[Chuckles]

How about you?

When you're a mom, is there anything you'd do different?

What do you mean?

Well, you know, my mom always did things I said I'd never do as a parent.

So are there things you'd do different from me when you have kids?

Oh, no. Mom, you're perfect.

[Laughs]

I don't know about perfect, but...

No, really, there's nothing you'd change?

Nope.

Well, I guess sometimes I wish you'd been more organized.

Oh. Okay.

Just 'cause I remember never having the permission slips to go on field trips, and it'd be kind of embarrassing 'cause I was the only one.

Or sometimes when I would try out for things, I wouldn't have what I needed, so instead of pom-poms, I would have to do a cheer waving around a pair of dirty gym socks.

Okay, got it, got it, got it.

So, yeah.

I guess I just think it'd be super important to be organized.

That's the kind of mom I'd want to be.

Okay, good.

I really need to concentrate on my driving right now.

Okay.

Yeah, I'm calling 'cause I want to make a reservation for six for this Sunday.

For our mother's day afternoon tea?

Oh, you'll have to do that online.

Oh, but can't you just do it?

We don't take phone reservations.

But I'm talking to you right now.

If... if you don't take reservations, why did you even pick up the phone?

To answer questions.

Okay, here's a question.

Can I have a reservation for six this Sunday?

No, see, we like to route everybody online.

We find it much more convenient that way.

Oh, I see someone just took a table for six.

Was that you?

No. I mean, yes.

Yep, that was me.

I think you'll find it much more convenient to just get online.

[Dial tone]

[Sighs]

[Telephone beeps]

[Door opens, closes]

Well, it's official.

I'm a crappy mom.

Does this mean Sunday's off?

I'm serious, Mike.

I was talking to Sue, and I'd asked her if there was anything different she'd do when she had kids...

Why do you go looking for trouble?

And she said she'd be more organized.

[Sighs] And do you blame her?

I mean, when you're auditioning for "Cabaret" with only one character shoe 'cause your mom forgot to put the other shoe in your bag, who do you think's gonna get the part?

The girl with the good mom, not Sue.

Maybe it made her stronger?

[Scoffs]

That's B.S., and you know it.

Look at this drawer.

Yep, this is the kind of mother I am.

Oh, silverware, panty liners, stamps, a roll of film...

Oh, my fitbit!

Frankie, it's the junk drawer.

You know what? These aren't the junk drawers.

This is the junk drawer.

Yeah, happy mother's day, Frankie.

You screwed up your kid, and that's something you'll have to live with for the rest of your life.

Hey, did you peek at the card we got you?

Okay, let's all get out our lists.

Really, guys?

Sue, it's not that hard.

Let's just get her some food she likes.

She does like ham and frosting.

Let's get her ham and frosting.

We could make her ham-frosting rolls.

Boom. Done.

Perfect.

Yeah, that sounds like a wonderful tribute to the woman who can't even wear a two-piece anymore because of the stretch marks we left her with.

Fine. Un-boom. Not done.

Yeah.

Hey. Hello. Check this out.

Could they make it any easier for us?

Pre-selected mom gifts right in this bin.

How about cowboy-boot cleaner?

I love it.

What do you say, Sue?

I really think this is it.

Mm.

All right.

Um... Ooh.

What about this?

A bowl for watermelon that looks like a watermelon?

No, I specifically remember mom saying she does not like bowls for things that look like the thing.

[Gasps] Wow. Hey, check this out.

This is, like, nice.

Magazine rack for the bathroom?

Hmm?

She does have a lot of magazines.

Plus, she's been spending a lot more time in the bathroom lately.

Hey, we've all noticed.

Sue: Okay, so now we just got to find the ones she likes so we can put them in the rack and wrap them up nice.

Look for anything with Sandra bullock or the royal baby or the ones where people lose half of themselves.

[Gasps] Hey!

Mom and dad have been sneaking good toilet paper in here.

[Gasps]

It feels like a pillow for your butt.

No wonder dad always comes out of here whistling.

Hmm.

Oh, my god.

Mom already has a magazine rack.

Ohh!

And it's the exact one we got her!

Oh, just give her the new one and then take this one to our bathroom.

Nope, nope, nope.

We got to go back right now and get her something else.

Oh, this is impossible.

The woman already has everything.

Why must we continue to spoil her?

Oh, Axl, can I ask you something?

Now, I promise I won't judge you.

This is a completely safe space.

I'm just curious, as a parent, is there anything you would do differently from me when you have kids?

You are completely stubborn, and you refuse to listen to reason.

Don't have to answer right away!

Take your time and get back to me.

Okay, it's hard to know what she has in that house, so let's just get her something personal.

Hey, this looks like a real diamond, and it's only 7 bucks.

When have you ever seen a real diamond?

When has mom?

Ooh.

This turquoise looks pretty.

It'll match her eyes.

Mom doesn't have blue eyes.

Yeah, but she does have that blue vein in her neck when she gets mad.

[Gasps] Right.

Oh, perfect.

30 bucks, and it'll match her mad vein.

Done.

[Squeals]

[Door closes]

Frankie: Hey, kids, look...

I'm finally organizing the junk drawers.

It's never too late to get organized.

And, hey, if you see anything you want to keep, you better grab it.

Ugh.

[Sighs, laughs]

Well, it's... oh, look, permission slip.

Oh, which one of you missed the children's museum?

[Sighs]

Ugh.

Gaudy bracelet from your dad.

I hate turquoise.

He has the worst taste in jewelry.

[Sighs]

Are we seriously having another secret meeting in your room?

There hasn't been one good idea generated in here.

Here's an idea... I'm out.

I cannot go back to that store anymore.

I'm just gonna make her something.

Axl, she doesn't want a buttronauts mother's day card.

[Sighs] Forget it. We don't need him.

We just need a plan.

I am gonna stay in here and make a list, and you go out and casually check to see if mom has any candlestick holders.

Mom, do we have any candlestick holders?

Why?

Do you need them for something? 'Cause I can get them.

I don't want you not to have them if you really need them.

No.

Oh, brick, can I ask you something?

[Sighs] When you have kids, is there anything you'd do as a parent that would be different from what I did?

Well, I wouldn't take home the wrong baby.

Okay, technically, that was your dad.

I was whacked out on pain meds.

You do kind of appease us with television.

Oh, and I'd be sure to provide nutritious, home-cooked meals.

Uh-huh. Uh-huh.

And sometimes you make us feel like anytime we ask you to do something, it's a chore for you.

I wouldn't do that.

And, you know, you're not very organized.

Yeah, Sue already said "not organized."

I got that one.

And I would definitely insist on everyone getting the same chair.

Is that the kind of thing you were looking for?

Yeah, that's great. That's perfect.

Is there anything you would do the same?

Um...

Can I get back to you on that?

So, listen, I was trying to make a reservation online, but I clicked on some Teddy bear, and now I'm not sure...

Oh, yes, I see you ordered the "Give me liber-tea" deluxe 10-piece tea set.

Is there a problem with it?

Yeah, there is.

The problem is I didn't mean to order it. I want to cancel the tea set.

Are you a registered member of our chamomile club?

Do I sound like I'd be a registered member of your chamomile club?

Just go back, register as a member, click on the previous orders, fill in the form with your address, and they'll send you a shipping label to mail it back.

I know you can do it.

My grandma's made a reservation online.

Oh, great. Can you give me her number?

Frankie: So, it was one day before mother's day, and it was looking like another clunker.

Oh, brick, hey. Get in here.

We need to talk about mom's present.

No, you come here.

I don't want mom to hear us.

She can't hear us in here, either.

All secret meetings happen in my room. That's just the way it is.

[Door opens]

[Gasps] Axl!

Axl. Hey, get in here.

No, come here. Come here. [Whistles] Here boy.

What is this, a hallway dork summit?

No, dad is counting on us to deliver a present, and we've got bupkis, so we need to have a secret emergency meeting in my room right now.

Well, too bad, suckas. I already got my present.

A coupon book?

Aren't you a little old for free hugs?

Oh, this is much more than that.

I've got a "one not put the milk back with just a little bit in it,"

I got "a week of not calling mom gross and old," and a "hold in one fart at the meal of your choice...

Holidays excluded."

Pbht! That's your gift?

Not acting like a jerk?

Dad is gonna k*ll you.

[Laughing] Okay.

[Sighs] Yeah, I need back in.

Axl!

Axl, come here, come here.

Come, come on.

Come on, come on. Come on.

I think you click on the bear.

I tried that. It just keeps sending me to poems.

I like poems.

Ooh, right here, it says "tea service."

Oh, you would think that means serving tea, but I learned the hard way it just orders you pots and saucers.

You know what every mama secretly wants for mother's day?

Hmm?

To feel desired.

No. I think she just wants some tea and a good present.

You really shouldn't have waited till the last minute, Mike.

Yeah, thanks, Dave.

I can't figure out which Teddy bear is my favorite.

I think it's bearjamin Franklin.

Jim, would you cut that out?

You're gonna make me click on the wrong thing.

Tear out a page from the book of Chuck, boss man.

Forget the tea... bathe her in champagne.

And then take a strawberry, and you just...

I got it. Thanks.

Hey, you know what?

I think I click on this tiny sandwich, right?

Yeah, I think that's it. That's the one.

Okay, yeah.

I would go with that, don't you think?

I'm gonna go for it.

Is that what you would do? I would do that.

I'm in.

I'm going to tea!

We're going to tea!

We're going to tea!

Hey! We got tea!

[Laughs] We got tea!

[Gasps] Oh, this is darling!

Right?

I know.

I've always wanted to come here.

We can thank Mike for making it happen.

Seriously, this wipes away that breakfast in bed.

Not that ham-frosting rolls weren't an idea worth trying, really.

Grandma, how come grandpa tag didn't come today?

His staying home was his mother's day gift to me.

Oh. Frankly, I can use the break.

[Chuckles]

Happy mother's day.

Uh, we have a reservation for Heck.

Um... I don't think so.

No, there's got to be. Check again.

No, sorry.

Did you use our online reservation?

Yeah. Many times.

And I didn't want to have to throw my weight around here, but I'm now a premium member of the chamomile club, so I would think that would get me immediate seating.

Did you print the confirmation e-mail?

[Sighs] Okay, look.

Um [Clears throat] here's the deal.

I've got a very bad track record with mother's day...

Inflatable foot baths, yellow pants, you get the idea.

I really need this one to go my way.

You get me?

I'd love to, but we're full.

But good news... your two tea sets are ready to be picked up at the gift shop.

Two?

Jim.

I can put you on our waiting list.

Uh, how long's the wait?

Should be about 45 minutes.

[Sighs]

It should be about 10 minutes.

Great. Oh, great.

It's okay, honey. I'm sure we'll get a table soon.

Oh, no. It's fine.

It's just been a weird mother's day.

The whole week's just been weird.

Why? What happened?

Oh, nothing.

It's just, I-I was talking to Sue, and we were talking about how she should follow her dreams, 'cause you never told me to follow my dreams, and so...

Well, I'm sorry.

No, that's not what I'm saying.

That... that's not the point of my story.

I asked Sue what she would do differently as a parent, 'cause I think we all have things we would do differently from our parents, and she said... certain things, and it just kind of ended up hurting my feelings.

Mm.

[Sighs]

I guess I didn't realize you were so unhappy growing up.

No! No, no!

[Chuckling] You're a great mom.

You're the best.

You were just very practical, and you didn't want me to get hurt.

Well, I don't know if I was "practical."

I would say realistic.

Fine.

So, you didn't really encourage me to take risks, and so I told Sue that's what I would do differently as a parent.

I mean, I didn't realize I was holding you back so much.

That's not what I'm saying!

Oh.

We have a table of six for the Heck party.

[Sighs] I wouldn't call it a party.

[Sighs]

Well, here we are, having tea on mother's day, just like you wanted.

Uh, excuse me. Could we get some buffalo wings for the table?

Spicy or mild, maybe half and half?

Axl!

Oh, sorry, mom. It's your day.

Spicy or mild?

[Sighs]

Great. Now we just need five more of those.

That's for the whole table.

Oh. No, no.

You have to wait for the tea.

Well, I hope we get to eat soon.

I don't know how much longer I can stay.

I can't drive in the dark.

Mom, when I said that, I didn't mean...

[Cellphone vibrates]

Oh.

Hi, Janet.

Aww, you too.

Oh, we're in some restaurant Mike found.

We finally got a seat.

Oh, thank you, yes!

I love cashmere!

I'm wearing it right now.

Uh-huh. [Chuckles]

I need your gift. What?

You want to open it right now?

No, I don't have anything for grandma.

I forgot because I was so disorg...

Because I just forgot, okay?

It can happen to anybody!

But we got this for you.

We had meetings. We made lists!

Sue, I need this.

She's talking cashmere sweaters with Janet.

Then we won't have a gift for you.

You giving me a gift I can give to grandma is my gift.

Just give me the gift!

All right, thanks for calling.

Love you, too. Happy mother's day.

[Cellphone beeps]

Finally.

No, no.

You have to let it steep.

[Sighs]

No, dad. You heard the rules.

What are they gonna do... throw me in tea jail?

Maybe I'll get a meal there.

Hey, mom, why don't you open your gift?

Oh, hon... thank you!

Oh, such pretty paper.

Let's see...

What are these?

Oh. Those are...

What are they?

Salad hands.

You got me salad hands?

They're salad hands.

Well, I... I certainly don't have any.

They're handmade from real bamboo, and you can hang them right off the edge of the bowl.

Frankie: Aren't they great?

You know, you can really... ooh...

Get your hands right into that salad.

[Chuckles] Well, thank you.

So, uh, what did you kids get for your mom?

Oh, actually...

Uh... [clicks tongue]

It's a coupon book!

You're welcome.

[Chuckles] Oh. Aww, look at that.

One "won't scratch my junk in front of company."

Really?

Happy mother's day.

Happy mother's day!

Well, at least your kids are creative.

I raised you to be practical, so I guess that's why I got a practical gift.

[Sighs] Mom...

[voice breaking] It's just that my mom was so flaky and all over the place that I guess I went in the opposite direction with you, and somehow apparently ended up crushing your dreams.

Mom, don't cry. I still have some dreams.

No, you don't.

You could have done something great, and instead you just ended up married to Mike.

Oh, you're fine, Mike.

It's just that, you know, at one point she said she was going to do things, but I said it was hard.

[Crying] Mom, I don't want you to cry on mother's day.

And I really don't want you to tell Janet about this, okay?

Oh, mom, I thought of another one.

Whenever I tell you a story about me, you always spin it into a story about you.

Kkkt!

[Sobbing] Oh, wait.

Is this all because I called you disorganized?

[Voice breaking] Oh, no.

Because I think you're the best mom ever!

I want to be just like you, except, you know, maybe I'd make sure there was food in the fridge for my kids' lunches.

But that's all!

No, Sue, you were right.

I just don't know what's wrong with me.

I... why can't I get it together?

I didn't even get you a present! I forgot!

Those salad hands weren't for you. They were for me.

Janet gets you a sweater, and I just get you a big, fat nothing.

Why are my expectations for mother's day so high?

It's just a day! Who cares?!

I do the same thing on new year's Eve.

"Oh, everybody put your hats on. We have to count down."

Just shut up, Frankie!

[Sobs]

Don't shut up.

Dad. [Chuckles]

What are you doing in here?

Well, the way I see it, I've got two options.

I stay out there, tell them they're being stupid, and make them cry... More.

Or hide in the bathroom of a tea place like a real man.

I see your point.

Whatever happened to never leave a man behind?

Still all crying and snot bubbles out there?

I think it's cresting. They're starting to hug.

Shouldn't be much longer now.

Yep, there were long lines to get in for tea on mother's day, but the longest line of all was the one at the return counter the day after.

Now, when I return these, I'm gonna get you something.

No. I don't deserve it.

No. I don't deserve it.

Aww. Now, that's kind of pretty.

Looks like a real diamond.

Mm.

Why couldn't they have gotten me that?

Next.

Ooh, salad hands.

Seen a lot of these today. [Chuckles]

Who would want to stick their hands in salad?

I know, right?

It's got Axl written all over it.

Did you say Axl?

I remember that name 'cause it's so unusual.

You have two boys and a girl?

Yes? Mm-hmm.

They were in here so many times trying to find the right gift for you.

They really agonized over it.

Really?

Yeah.

They said you worked hard so they wanted to get you something nice.

Aww. That must have been Sue.

No, actually, that was the older boy.

Axl said that?

Yeah.

Oh, and the girl, she was so sweet.

Aww. She was?

Of course she was. [Chuckles]

And they shopped so well together.

Let me tell you... my kids would have k*lled each other.

[Chuckles] You did a great job with them.

Someone must have raised you right.

Ah, that's me. I'm her mother.

Oh. Well, good job, grandma.

[Chuckles] Thanks.

So, do you want cash or store credit?

Cash.

My mom and I are gonna go get a drink.

Okay.

[All chuckle]

All right, there you go.

Thank you.

All right.

Bye.

Bye-bye.

You know what I could go for?

One of those long island iced teas.

Frankie: Oh, I love those.

You know where they make them really good?

Don's Oriental.

[Gasps] Let's go!