02x14 - Young & Oh Brother

[bunniefuu]

So, how do I look?

(Gabi gasping)

Like Special Agent Rodriguez.

What's with the pantsuit?

Oh! Is it laundry day and all of your big sweatpants are in the wash?

No. Benji's gonna get here any minute.

Oh, I can't believe your chubby-wubby little brother is moving to San Francisco to work for mayor...

John... Bill...

Ed Lee.

(Scoffs)

Mayor Ed Lee?

I suppose.

Anyway, I'm dressed like this because I want Benji to know that I'm working at Garber, Stukenbaker and Rizz.

(Gasps) You got your old job back?

No. But did that sound believable?

Because he cannot know that I lost my job, Gabi, okay?

We're... we're Rodriguezes. We... we work. We succeed.

We do not play "Candy Crush" while falling asleep in the middle of the day watching Ice Road Truckers .

So, will you help me pretend like I still have my job?

Please...

I am the mayor of pretend town.

The Ed Lee, if you will.

Oh, man. I can't wait till the three of us are back together again.

Oh, and I made him his favorite dinner...

Chicken fingers shaped like little dinosaurs and a fudgy cake for dessert.

You know, he's not 10 anymore, Gabi.

Yeah, I know. But to me, he'll always be my little Benji, The Hut.

(Knock on door)

That's him!

Benji!

Benji?

Hey, guys!

Why am I dressed like this you ask? Well... that's because I just returned from a rigorous day of trading stock options and yelling at woefully incompetent people.

Okay then...

Hey, Gabi!

(Nervously) Hey!

Aw, did you make that for me?

Yeah! Would I like a piece of that...

I mean, um, ah, would you like a piece of this?

What I'm saying is, who wants a piece... of cake?

♪ She in the spotlight ♪
♪ and she turned my head ♪
♪ she run a red light ♪
♪ 'cause she bad like that ♪
♪ I like that ooh, baby, ooh, baby, baby ♪

♪ I like that ooh, baby ooh, baby ♪

(Alarm ringing)

Good morning.

Were you watching me sleep?

Me?

No, no. I'm... I was too busy reading...

Oh, yes. Just what I thought...

21 essential vitamins and minerals.

Me? Another promotion?

Wow! This really is a meteoric rise!

(Pretentious laughter)

Okay, okay. Bye.

Look at my big sis...

Taking over the world!

Oh! My little brother working for the mayor!

...Ed Lee.

I know stuff.

Do you know how to get out of a noogie?

(Grunting)

No, Benji! No!

I'm gonna grab a shower.

Okay. Me, too.

I mean... you know, once you're out of it.

Unless, you know... I'm kidding!

Okay. Well, I am gonna go... hang out at the car dealership on the corner for the day.

Do they still have free Wi-Fi?

Mm-hmm. And donuts! Oh, my gosh! You know... speaking of delicious things...

Uh, your brother is really gotten all... (Exclaiming)

You know?

Mmm... no.

What I'm saying is, uh... What if I, ah, what if I asked him out?

Are you attracted to my brother?

(Scoffing) Yeah! Aren't you?

(Chuckles) Okay.

You better be kidding, because that would be sick.

Okay? We grew up together.

Going out with him would be like going on a date with your own brother.

Uh, except I'd be dating your brother, who I am not related to in any way.

Gabi, you cannot ask my brother out.

I totally get it... Why?

Uh, well, because it's awkward, it's weird and it's just not going to happen.

So... (Chuckles)

We'll talk about it later.

Bye!

I'm glad I got you before you left.

I just got an e-mail from the mayor's office... he's invited the staff to a cocktail party tonight.

Wanna go?

Abs...

...solutely.

I mean, no. I mean...

Wait, you asked me to go with you.

I didn't ask you to go with me.

That's right.

So, pick you up at 7:00?

You know where I live...

For now.

I think I'm gonna get a wooden owl for the terrace...

Scare the birds away.

Yolanda: I like the birds.

They clean up the crumbs so I don't have to.

Aha! Caught-cha!

(In sing-song) I know what you're talking about!

(Mocking) I sincerely doubt that.

You're talking about my bachelor party.

You guys are so secretive!

If I didn't tell you months ago the exact date to throw it, I'd have no idea it was even happening.

(Laughing) Is it happening!

Yeah! It sure is!

Um, when is it happening again?

(Laughing) You guys are so funny.

You know it's tonight.

Both: Tonight?

Yeah, Alan just flew to Vegas for his bachelor party and I planned mine for the same time.

They got Alan front row tickets for Blue Man Group... which is weird because he's colorblind.

I already told Alan that yours will be way better!

I can't wait to see what it is! Yay!

All: Yay!

Yay!

It's gonna be so good!

Whoo!

We've got to come up with something fast or he's gonna be devastated.

And vengeful. When I forgot his half birthday, he keyed my car.

I don't know how to throw a gay bachelor party. I mean, what do they even do there?

I'm guessing we're gonna need a lot of glitter.

Oh, Gabi... hey!

Question...

Do you think you can bake me a cake that looks like a guy's butt?

Yeah, but are you sure that's what you want for breakfast?

It's not for me. It's for Elliot's bachelor party tonight.

Yeah. You got it.

Uh, Yolanda, can I get your advice on something?

(Sighs) Sofia asked me not to go out with her smoking-hot brother Benji...

So I said I wouldn't ask him out.

But then when she left to go to her fake job...

He asked me out. So that's like...

Totally cool, right?

Yeah!

There's no harm with going out with him one time.

You gotta try it before you buy it.

Hey!

Can I try it four times?

Hey!

Yes! All right, we have a venue.

I asked the manager of Alan's karaoke bar and she said we could use it for tonight.

Oh, that's great! And I made a ton of appetizers, all from this cool blog...

Natashaskitchen.Com.

You should be paying her. (Laughs)

Nope. Too far. Don't do that. Keeping paying me.

Oh! Hi, mister "about to change his last name, or maybe not, I don't know how it works with the gays."

Hey, miss "comes up with a nickname for every occasion, and it's really irritating."

(House music playing as ring tone)

Ooh, cute ring tone. How do I get that?

You be gay and you have "Yo Fellas," the gay dating app.

It alerts you when there's a match nearby.

Wait, why do you have Yo Fellas? You are still getting married, right?

I mean, Yolanda and I have been planning your bachelor party all morn...

...th.

Yes, the wedding's on.

I just haven't deleted the app.

It's not like I meet anyone. It's just nice to know I could.

It's like car insurance. You never use it, but it gives you peace of mind.

But I don't have car insurance and I still have peace of mind.

(House music playing as ring tone)

(Scoffs) It's the building's plumber.

He ain't getting anywhere near my pipes.

(Doorbell ringing)

Hi. I'm here for Gabi.

She d*ed.

I'm Yolanda.

Hey, Benji. Wow, you look great.

Thanks.

But nobody's gonna look at me when I'm walking with you.

Oh... (Giggling)

Why don't you go push the elevator button, I'm gonna grab my purse.

Okay, I don't have to try him before I buy him.

He's amazing. What am I gonna do?

Get yourself a new best friend.

'Cause he is fine!

(House music playing as ring tone)

(Chuckles)

Damn! Yo Fellas is blowing up tonight.

So glad I moved to San Francisco.

Oh, hey! Sexy outfit.

Oh, thanks. I forgot I had it. It was hiding in my closet.

Josh, are you sure about this decor?

Don't you think it's too formal for a bachelor party?

Uh, trust me. Elliot's gonna love "black tie only".

Oh! They're the ones wearing the black tie!

Nice touch!

Speaking of which... Am I allowed to?

I don't believe this!

What?

We got another "no."

Sam, no. Bruce, no.

No. No. No.

What are we gonna do?

Give Elliot a better personality?

No, we waited until the last minute and now no one can come.

Elliot's gonna know this was our fault that we forgot and it's gonna take more than a Channing Tatum ice sculpture to cheer him up.

I got an idea. Give me your phone.

(Camera clicks)

Congratulations, you're on Yo Fellas.

What?

I'm making a Yo Fellas profile with your photo and alerting every gay man on there, that you're throwing a party with free booze.

Uh, no. No, no, you're not.

Then you tell Elliot that we screwed up and no one's coming to his party.

Get a couple of me shirtless.

Mm-hmm. I thought so.

Bam!

Oh!

Sofia?

Hello?

She must still be at her very important job.

Rats!

Thank you so much for coming with me tonight.

Oh, for you anything.

I'm thirsty.

You want a water?

Uh... you sure you don't want something stronger, so you can get drunk and make bad decisions and become the best politician ever?

(Chuckles) You're still so funny!

To be honest...

You were the first girl I ever had a crush on.

Really?

And the last.

Because Gabi... there's something I have to tell you.

Oh, there's something I have to tell you, too!

What the hell?

I come home from a day of mergers and acquisitions to find you merging with my brother?

Well, I... I was choking and Benji was giving me mouth-to-mouth!

That's not what you do for choking!

That's not what you do for choking!

I can't believe... Gabi, I told you not to go out with my brother... and you do the exact opposite.

Actually, you told me not to ask him out and he asked me out, so...

So... it's the same thing!

Is it?

Uh, yes!

Just because you found this loophole, doesn't mean you can go behind my back and date my brother. It's not okay.

Seriously, Sofia...

It's not what you think!

Okay, then what is it?

Uh...

You know what?

This is stressing me out.

Is there a donut shop around here?

I... I can't believe you.

Seriously, Sofia, I don't understand what your problem is.

I mean, if I met Benji at a bar... you'd totally tell me to go for it.

I mean, he's hot...

He smells good, and I want to bite his...

Ah-la-la-la-la!

See! See, it's happening already.

This is exactly what I didn't want to hear, Gabi.

We share everything and I don't want to hear about my brother's... everything.

Well, I'm not gonna tell you everything.

I promise, except (Whispering) I think he's so hot!

God, Gabi, with you everybody's the one.

Josh is the one, Cooper's the one.

Now Benji is the one?

So you see it, too?

Oh, my God!

Well... why else would he come back into my life after all of these years?

To visit his sister!

Nah! (Exclaims dismissively)

Seriously, Gabi, you screw up every single relationship you're in.

Are you willing to screw up ours?

Really? You think me dating your brother is gonna screw up our relationship?

Yes!

Well, I think it's time we test that theory out!

(Dance music playing)

Wow! This is going better than I expected!

Yeah! (Chuckles) I can really pack 'em in!

Be careful how loud you say that.

Check out all these hotties.

(In sing-song) This is the best party ever!

But it's weird...

I haven't seen any of my friends.

No, th-they're here. You know, th-they're around.

Yeah, no one wanted to miss the chance to party with San Francisco's... sexiest bachelor.

No, they didn't.

Now if you'll excuse me...

Mama needs a stiff one... and a drink!

Oh! Yolanda... there you are!

Gabi, what are you doing here?

I really need to talk to you. I need your advice again.

Sofia and I got in a huge fight about me going out with Benji, because she thinks it's gonna ruin our friendship.

And I really don't think that's fair because I think Benji could be the one!

That's a shame!

Why?

Benji.

Gabi?

What's going on?

I'm gay.

I gathered.

I tried telling you earlier, but it was really hard and somehow I guess I led you on.

By inviting me on a date!

I never called it a "date."

I called it a "wanna come with me?"

Oh, yeah! I don't know how that could be confusing.

It was my first work party and I didn't know anyone.

I wanted to go with someone I was comfortable with.

You're like a big sister to me.

Oh, yeah. This just keeps getting better and better.

Gabi...

I'm sorry I gave you the wrong impression.

I'm just not out to anyone yet.

It's not easy. We were raised strict catholics.

Sofia's still a virgin.

(Choking)

Yeah, well, ah... (Chuckles)

So many secrets in this family.

You know what? You're right... and I'm sick of them!

I'm telling Sofia tonight.

As... as you should.

Ah... but right after I tell her that my friendship with her is more important than you.

Ouch!

Oh, come on. Don't be so hurt.

Okay? You just called me your big sister when... you're the big sister.

Gabi, come on!

Now that it's out. I want my sister to know.

I mean, I can't wait any longer.

(Scoffs) Really, Benji?

Because you know, up until this very moment you were so far in the closet...

You were in Narnia.

Hey!

What happened?

Well, I was running from donut shop to donut shop trying to find Benji, you know, when it hit me...

It doesn't matter if he's the one.

Who cares about that?

You know what does matter? You. You're the one. Boop!

Yeah, I'm not really feeling the hug yet.

Aren't ya? 'Cause I am. Boop.

What's going on?

What's going on is I love you.

Okay? And I would never let a guy jeopardize our friendship.

And let's face it, you know, he's gonna get fat again.

Gabi...

Have you told Benji yet?

I have. Yeah. And it was seriously... one of the hardest things I've ever had to do.

But, you know, I had to be straight with him.

I just wish he would've been straight for me... with me. It was hard.

Well, thank you. I've... I really feel like you heard me and respected me and I appreciate that.

I will now accept that hug.

Oh, yay.

You know, it's a good thing that Benji is sweet and smart and good looking...

He'll find another girl.

Ah, he won't...

...be alone for long.

Hey!

Oh, hey, Benji.

So, did you tell you chose her over me?

I did. Barely. You're cutting it a little close.

Are you okay?

I'm surprisingly okay.

But let's sit down.

I have something to tell you.

What?

Oh, my God. What is it? You're scaring me.

Are mom and dad okay?

(Sighs) For now.

But wait until I tell them I'm gay.

Both: What?

Oh, my God! I did not see that one coming!

This is a shock-a-roon-ey.

Is it, Gabi?

Or did you find out he was gay, realized he wasn't the one, rushed over here to tell me I'm the one before he came out to me, so you'd look like a good friend and I wouldn't get mad?

What?

Clearly, the shock of his brand-new gayness has caused you to doubt my sincerity.

But I see three's a lot going on here, okay?

So I'm gonna give you two a moment.

So... you're gay?

I am.

Wow. When did... when did... w... wow!

I'm sorry it came out so fast...

Unlike me.

Look, I know you're shocked. I just didn't know how to tell you.

You want to know something weird?

I'm not that shocked.

You know, it's all sort of making sense now.

Like when you locked yourself in your room because dad wouldn't let you watch the season finale of Project Runway.

Who do you think called Child Protective Services?

I just didn't tell you because I didn't want you to reject me.

Oh, shut up. You're my brother and I love you.

You shut up! I love you, too.

Aw!

So everything's good?

You guys talked about everything?

We did.

So he's cool with you not having a job?

What?

Gabi!

Uh, at least I didn't tell him you're not a virgin.

What?

Okay, I'm gonna give you a moment.

(Dance music playing)

Have I had a little bit too much to drink... or are none of my friends here?

They're here. You're just too short to see 'em.

You're right. Maybe I can't see them... but I can see this.

That's right. I got the Yo Fellas alert about the party.

My party!

(Stuttering) I can explain...

Tell him, Josh.

Elliot... you're an amazing guy...

And an unbelievable publicist, who happened to drop the ball by not reminding me about his bachelor party.

You're blaming me for this?

I was trying.

So you thought throwing together a last-minute bachelor party with a ton of balloons, and a bunch of drunk, half-naked bow-tied strangers dancing all over the place would make up for the fact that you forgot?

Well, it did!

This is the best night of my life!

Yay!

I'm glad you enjoyed it, buddy.

You're worth it. Right, Yolanda?

Huh?

Oh, yeah. Happy Birthday, baby.

Attention!

Attention beautiful strangers, who normally would never give me the time of day.

Even though Yo Fellas is what brought us all together...

For me it ends tonight!

I have two great friends and an amazing fiance.

I don't need a security blanket anymore.

I've decided to make the ultimate sacrifice...

Deleting Yo Fellas.

(Device bleeps)

Elliot Park is officially off the market.

(All cheering)

Hey, Elliot, ah, meet Benji, Sofia's brother.

(Gasps) He just came out of the closet.

Oh, my God, I'm so sorry. That's your news.

I'm just so proud.

Wow! Congrats.

Did you hear my speech?

No, sorry. I missed it.

Perfect. Let's dance.

Take off your shirt!

You know, I think it's great you guys are gonna tell your parents the truth about your lives.

What if I tell them about me and they never let me come home?

What if I tell them about me and they want me to move home?

(Scoffs) You guys, you're looking at this all wrong.

When they find out that Sofia's jobless... they won't care that you're gay.

You know, when they find out you're gay... they won't care that Sofia's unemployed.

Because no matter what mom and dad think of my news... or my news...

(Both) We're in this together.

Aw! I want a super-hot gay brother.

Are you ready?

Ready.

(Computer bleeps)

Hi, Mom.

Hi, Dad.

Benji's gay!

Sofia's unemployed!

(Gasping)

I'm gonna give you two a moment.