01x03 - S*** Heist

[bunniefuu]

Previously on Black Jesus...

[Laughing]

Yo, this is a lot bigger than what we budgeted for.

We're gonna need a lot more fertilizer.

You know, our plan is to talk to a few investors.

You about to get pounds of weed.

I mean elbows, girl. And on top of that, we doin' somethin' good for the community.

Man, I don't care about no community.

But I do need product.

Hey, baby.

Hi, Dianne!

I thought we talked about getting high and hanging out with homeless dudes.

I don't want you hanging out with these bums.

I think she finally tired of my ass, man.

Don't even let it happen, dawg.

She fine and mmm! And that's about as good as you're gonna do, dawg.

You lucky I ain't a snitch, man. 'Cause I'd have been had the cops come and haul your ass off. Matter of fact, next time I catch you at my complex, it's gonna be "punch in the face" time.

I think he's a danger to the community, and I want you to keep an eye on him.

Follow him around, keep me posted on what's happening.

Deal?

Go take a shower, man.

You want me clean, that gonna be extra.

Yeah, I checked the tracking number.

That's why I'm calling you right now.

Figure it out.

Okay, it's all good.

Farm n*gga. Up kind of early this morning.

Who's that?

Just Vic talking out his ass again.

Yeah, I heard your cult leader got y'all out there working hard.

Doing farm work, looking like a bunch of assholes.

It's a community garden, n*gga.

We trying to teach mother [Bleep] how to eat right.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. And you n*gg*s gonna save the whole community with turnips. Look, n*gga, I'm missing a very important package.

I ain't seen your package, Vic.

You ain't maybe, like, see the package and look in there and notice that it was some expensive Joseph Cannoli Italian loafers inside that package?

Loafers?

n*gga, is you serious? Hey, Boonie, he mad 'cause he lost his slippers, man. [Laughs]

Loafers, n*gga, not slippers!

Do they have laces? If they don't have laces, they slippers.

Ain't nobody asked your fat, rolly-Polly ass.

Hey, whatever you want to call them, Vic, they ain't in my crib.

Hey, you know what? Uh, then why don't you let me come in and look around the apartment?

I ain't got your slippers, man! A'ight?

Well, then...

Hey, n*gga, what you doin' sneaking up behind me like that, man?!

Big dusty-ass n*gga.

Scared you a little bit, huh, Vic?

He was scared.

He shook.

Hey, looky here, man, uh, I'm missing an expensive package.

It's a very important package. You wouldn't happen to have seen it, would you?

Oh!

About this big? About this wide?

Yeah.

You talking about those butter soft Joseph Cannoli slippers?

That's right. Yeah, yeah, yeah!

Whoo! Hey, them mugs is hard, Vic!

Man, you already a sharp dresser, but with them, you gonna be on the top of the extra-crispy n*gga list, man!

Now check it out, man... I knew you... I knew you would know, man. Where they at?

No, I ain't seen 'em.

I'm just sayin', though, they probably got lost or something, man.

And to be honest with you, man, God don't want you to have them shoes, dawg, 'cause you too thirsty for them, man. You want them too bad, man.

And you do know vanity one of the seven deadly sins, right?

I'm giving you one more chance to return my sli...

I mean my... my loafers, n*gga!

Swear to pops, homey...

I ain't knowing.

[Laughs]

He's upset.

Hey, shoes don't make the man, Vic.

Hey, man, spit it out, man.

The soil's no good, man.

We can't plant there.

I told you, dawg... wrong spot. All that damn work for nothing.

Yeah, well, the soil would've been good if we didn't give the cholos our fertilizer money.

And we need that fertilizer, too... a lot of it.

I mean, that's what pop said. And the fresher, the better.

It got to be fresh, coming from some happy horses, 'cause, you know, stress translates through the sh*t, man, and it'll [Bleep]

Up the quality of the weed. We got a big-ass area to cover, y'all, so we gonna need at least a truckload of it.

6 miles away, we have the Compton boarding stables.

They have cow and horse manure.

Wow. They're actually selling at $800 a ton.

$800 for some sh*t?!

Nah, that's crazy, man! How they gonna charge?

Where the free stuff at, man?

No, everything's about the same. I mean, nothing in L.A. is free, not even dung.

Man, I don't even have $800 to my name. You know what that means?

That means I'm literally not worth a sack of sh*t.

Just don't seem right to me, though, y'all.

I mean, that's horse sh*t. It's part of the ecosystem.

The circle of life. No, you can't have a monopoly on horse waste.

Whoa, wait.

But if that's the case and all we need is sh*t, who's to say we can't just sneak in the stalls about 3:00 in the morning, do a little shovel, shovel, and bounce?

I mean, we just cleaning out the stalls, right?

Yeah.

I ain't even mad at that, Fish.

Are you serious?

You gonna do the job with us?

Carefully, though. Carefully. We don't want nobody to get hurt.

Man, who gonna get hurt stealing sh*t? I mean, the sh*t ain't gonna fight back.

He's right.

Technically, it won't fight back.

Tray, I don't need your technicalities right now.

We need horse manure.

[Breathes deeply] Hey, baby.

Hey! Mmm, damn, Jason.

You clean up nice, baby.

Mmm, thank you, baby, but I look like somebody that park cars.

Aww!

b*tches don't think that's sexy.

Well, I don't know about b*tches, but this woman thinks employment is sexy.

Okay?

Mm-hmm.

[Cellphone rings]

Oh, wait, hold on.

Let me turn that off.

Hey, I just want to say that I'm really proud of you for agreeing to take the job.

And since somebody's been such a good boy...

Bam! [Laughs] Open it.

Retro J's?

Mm-hmm.

Baby, you didn't.

I did.

Oh, my God. I don't even know what to say.

Oh, you can thank me later, papi.

Whoo-hoo-hoo-hoo! Baby, I love 'em.

Yeah?

Oh, you know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna get me a special case made for them. You know, one with the Plexiglas on both sides, with the mirror in the back so when you walk past, you can see both sides at the same time.

No, baby, they're meant to be worn, like tonight.

Wait. We are still going out tonight, right?

Oh, yeah, baby, for sure we going out to... look, I'm gonna wear them tonight.

You know what they say, right?

What?

Shoes make the man.

Mmm. Exactly.

That's my baby.

So you're sure nothing about my package?

Nope. They all be talking about that garden. And something about some sh*t.

sh*t?

Yeah.

Yo, I still think it was either the convict or the con man.

Oh, yeah.

They probably saw the package lying around.

I know I would've taken it.

Well, this package contained a pair of very fashionable loafers.

Mm. Like house shoes?

No, not like house shoes. Like loafers.

There's a big difference, okay? Look, you know what?

What I'm gonna need you to do is I'm gonna need you to go over to Fish's house, look around, and find my shoes.

Hmm. You mean like breaking in?

No, you ain't got to break in.

I got the key.

Well, why don't you go do it yourself?

'Cause I got you. See?

You go over there, you look around, you find my shoes, you bring them back. Think about it, man... this dude, Fish, works long hours at their farm, usually at night.

Gives you plenty of time to get in and get out.

Sounds dangerous. What do I get?

Macaroni and cheese, n*gga.

This is different. This is breaking and entering.

I go get them shoes, I want three nights in the bed.

You sleep on the couch.

Like I said, we get this call from a bunch of people talking about how there's this crazy guy at the park running around, you know, screaming, just being a lunatic.

Mm-hmm.

And so when we finally get there, baby, get this... he's naked. So, we finally get him in handcuffs, and then he's going on and on about how powerful his attorney is, blah, blah, blah, and I'm like, "look, you're naked. I don't care. I just want to see what's in your trunk."

Right.

Right.

So, we finally get to his car, and then I get in his trunk, and there's this big metal... and I just... What is it, baby?

I think I just saw Luther Vandross.

Oh, you know what? I just remember he dead, so that probably wasn't even him, baby. Anyway, what was you saying?

Um, what was I saying?

The naked dude.

Oh, the naked guy, right.

So, the naked guy takes us to his car, and I go to his trunk, and I open it, and there's, like, this big metal...

Uh, excuse me, baby.

Um... I got to go to the bathroom real quick.

Just got to pee.

I'll be right back. I'll be right back.

Okay. I'll... I'll tell you the story when you get back.

Hey, Jay, we need to holler at you, dawg.

We got to go pull off this heist tonight.

A what?

This heist, man.

We got to go acquire some horse manure, man.

We need it for the garden.

Wait. And we got to leave right now?

Well, I see what you doing... got them exclusives on.

Boy, you [Bleep] rung, n*gga! [Laughter]

Yeah, look, whatever it is, man, I can't do it tonight.

You got some new J's.

So, what, you better than the crew?

No, it ain't that. Look, I'm having dinner with my detective girlfriend. I don't think it's in nobody best interest for us to go steal some sh*t.

Man, come on, Jay. We need you, dawg.

45 minutes, tops, dawg.

We gonna have you right back. She ain't even gonna notice you missing.

We having dinner.

How she not gonna know I'm missing for 45 minutes?

Brah, God needs you to do this, man.

Real talk.

Why me?

'Cause, man, we using Ms. Tudi's landscaper's truck, man. You know that mother [Bleep] stick, and you the only one in the crew that know how to drive a stick.

We got it all figured out, man.

Listen, unless you and pops can come up with some crazy miracle to make Dianne disappear, I can't help you.

Come on, Jay.

Jay! Jay!

Jason!

Jay! Jay!

Yeah, that... okay. No, no, no, it's... it's okay.

I understand. I'll be there.

All right, bye. Baby, I'm sorry.

You're never gonna believe this. I just got called in to work.

And it's... it's really important.

I just have to go. I'll see you at home.

Okay.

Eat your food.

Okay.

[Brakes squeal]

Mmm. A palace.

Hoo. Brewsky.

Everybody need a little taste. Okay.

Mm-hmm. Mmm.

Real. Give me a double hitter.

Mmm. Mm-hmm.

Ahh! Mm-hmm.

Yes, it is. Mm.

That's damn good.

[Chuckling]

[Breathes deeply] Oh, this is so fresh, man!

Come here... smell it! This is rich!

We're not here to be smelling.

Just hurry up and shovel so we can get up out of here.

And, fool, come on with the work lights, man.

Hey, hold up, man. I had it plugged in backwards.

Man, hurry the [Bleep] up, Boonie.

Dude, I told you already, man, the connectors are marked.

I got it hooked up. Check it out. Bam!

Ohh! Shh!

Be quiet, man. Come on. Let's get this stuff loaded up.

Hey, what the [Bleep] you doing, man?

Get your ass out here and help.

Nope, I drive. That's the deal. I ain't getting out.

Because of those shoes?

Come on, man. We need all hands on deck.

Let's go!

Nope, I'm not getting out.

[Bleep] Out of here.

Come on, Boonie, man, stop playing with them lights and grab a shovel.

[Bleep]

Hold on! I'm on fire! My g*dd*mn legs!

Ohh!

Somebody get the hose, man!

Oh, my God!

Oh, my God! Jesus!

Got it! Move, move!

Fire!

Jason, move I got him! You okay?

Damn, Boonie.

Good job, Jay.

You all right, man? Man...

[Sighs]

That was scary.

Listen, we're way behind schedule.

We got to go.

Jason, you got horse dookie on your new J's, man.

[Rap music playing]

[Dog barking]

[Groaning] Genie!

Mmm!

Giddyup.

Yeah. Giddyup.

[Humming]

[Laughing]

Uh-oh.

[Humming]

[Laughing]

Go get the gate. Get the gate.

[Truck engine turns over]

We're behind schedule. Let's go.

[Horse snorts]

[Truck door closes]

Go, brother. sh**t that ball!

Go ahead, playah! [Coughing]

Mm-hmm. [Grumbles]

[Remote clicks] Damn.

That damn O'Reilly. [Bleep] You.

Kiss my black ass.

Hey, can we just spread this out later, man?

I mean, ain't nobody gonna be looking for a big pile of sh*t.

Yeah, I guess so.

Hey, Jay.

I'm sorry, man. I did the best I could.

Sorry, man.

Man, you have no idea how much I'm screwed right now, man.

Dianne just got me these shoes.

Man, stop crying like a little girl over some damn shoes.

Your ass starting to sound like Vic.

Hey, man, tell her you got jacked.

Do not tell her that. I wouldn't mess with a guy who got jacked for his J's the first day he wore them.

Man, it's either be a punk or a sh*t thief.

It's up to you, man.

I'm out of here, man.

Wait a minute, Jay.

I appreciate your help, bro.

Man, can God fix my shoes?

Jay, you know how God feel about vanity, man. $300 for a pair of shoes?

Are you serious?

You know I love you, though, boy.

Hey, hey, hey. His girl a detective. He spent intimate time with a d*ck.

[Laughing]

[Speaking indistinctly]

He like d*ck. [Laughs]

He like d*ck.

[Both laugh]

d*ck lover!

Dang, boy, we ain't got no smoke, we ain't got no weed.

I got a lot of food, though.

I'm telling you, I got everything from pizza pockets to potato salad and everything in betwe...

Man, why the hell is my door open?

Did you forget to lock it?

Hell, nah.

[Farts, burps]

Are you serious?

Chill out, Fish. Relax, man.

This n*gga broke in my [Bleep] house!

Well, right now is not the time for anger, man.

It's the time for forgiveness, man.

He's sick.

[Sighs]

Lloyd! Hey!

Don't kick him.

Don't kick him.

Hey, wake your ass up, man!

I just bought that peanut butter!

Hey, man, check him, make sure he ain't stole nothing.

Fish, man, dude in his drawers, man.

He ain't got nowhere to hide nothing, brah. Lloyd.

Wake up, Lloyd.

This...

This n*gga ate a whole [Bleep] box of cereal!

Come on, man. Let's get his clothes back on him, man, and... Let's get this tape off his head.

I just bought them damn Froot Loops!

I got you, buddy. I got you, buddy.

Yeah.

Throw his ass in the dumpster where he belongs.

That ain't no way to be, Fish. St. Peter would never punch your ticket out talking like that. Hoo!

[Grunting]

Here, let me replenish you. Coconut water... a good source of electrolytes.

[Groans]

Jesus! You smell like sh*t.

[Sniffs] Maybe that's me.

I love you so much, Lloyd.

[Groans]

[Horses snort]

[Groans]

[Urinating]

[Gate rattles]

[Scanner beeps]

[Grunts] Hoo!

Hey, Lloyd.

Hey, Vic.

How you doin'?

You find out anything?

Vic, I went in there, turned everything upside down, inch by inch. What we got to eat?

[Chuckles]

n*gga, those are my Joseph Cannoli loafers on your feet right now.

Oh, no, no, no, no. These are my new house shoes.

House shoes? Those are my loafers, man.

Surprise! [Laughing]

Didn't I surprise you? Come on. Tell the truth.

I got you, didn't I?

Yeah, Fish think he slick, huh? Think he fooled old Vic.

He can't fool you.

Take your funky-ass feet out of my loafers, man.

You got it.

Looky there, brother. Looky there.

Beautiful. All right, there you go.

Looky there. Ooh.

Whoo! I think I'm gonna start my three days right now. Hoo.

What is the thread count on these sheets?

Hey, baby. How was your night, huh?

I didn't see the J's in the closet.

Oh, you know, uh, Fish making that custom case for me, you know, with the rat fur and custom foam on the inside.

Ay, dios mio.

Yeah, well...

I got to go all out for my J's.

Well, they're yours.

You can lock them away if you want.

Hey, baby, um... So what was the big emergency last night?

So I initially got called in just to redo some paperwork that mysteriously disappeared out of freaking nowhere, right?

[Laughs] But then get this... these idiots broke into the Compton boarding stables last night but not to steal the horses but to steal the horse manure.

Can you believe that?

Mierda!

What?

Some boo boo? Boo boo, baby.

Oh, that is... that's crazy.

But then the idiots left the gate open to the boarding stables. Three or four horses got out... expensive ones. Oh, we've been getting calls from all over Compton, so I'll be following up on that all day.

Oh, wow, baby, that sound like one big mess.

This is what we call our fun days.

[Chuckles] What's wrong, baby?

You look really tired.

What did you get into last night?

Oh, you know. Same sh*t.